Adviсe
4 April 2020, 15:30
- Minimum conflicts
- Realize the need itself
- Some nuances
Man is a social being and cannot do without communication. Friendships, relationships with colleagues or love affairs are prone to constant change and a certain buoyancy. Life circumstances change, people change to suit these circumstances. And, no matter how great this relationship was yesterday, today it can turn out to be exhausting, toxic, unnecessary .
If communication has “fizzled out”, the best option would be to bring it to naught rather than continue a relationship that does not bring joy.
Breaking off any connection is always difficult, but during such a period try not to focus only on your feelings, but also think about the feelings of another. “Spit in your soul”, “wiped your feet” - this is exactly how a deeply offended person can characterize you in the heat of the moment. And no matter how you try to smooth out the awkwardness of the necessary decision, you will need all the sense of tact and exceptional politeness so that your friend or colleague does not feel humiliated.
You need to end the conversation as politely as possible.
Method 1 - “The usual excuse”
It is best to excuse yourself at the very beginning of the conversation. This is not the first time you have communicated with this person and you know that you can’t expect anything useful from him.
You need to excuse yourself calmly and quite sharply. Use any, even completely unexpected, arguments. For example:
- I'm busy. - What are you doing? -...I'm painting the bus! - ??? - !!!
This dialogue can be developed in any direction. It is advisable to do this completely inconsistently.
Usual arguments: - I have guests; - I'm doing the laundry; - I'm leaving; - someone is waiting for me; - I'll tell you later; - My milk is running out!
That is, an argument is used that clearly indicates that you do not want to continue the conversation and further human intervention in your affairs is completely inappropriate.
Secrets of communicating with an irritable person who (surprisingly) never makes mistakes.
When something goes wrong, it's always your fault, not his.
Common situation? When a person behaves this way and you have to tiptoe around them, use the following strategy to avoid conflict and prevent similar situations from occurring in the future. This situation can be repeated many times, and if a person is involved who adequately assesses the situation, the problem can be solved quite quickly; if it affects someone who is in error, conflict is inevitable.
This behavior is based on low self-esteem. It seems to a person that everything that happens in his life is in one way or another due to the fact that they are trying to use him. For example, if you make him wait, he will decide that you don't care about his condition or that you don't respect him enough to show up for a meeting on time.
If you have high self-esteem, you will not hastily attribute a person’s tardiness to their attitude towards you; you would rather assume: something happened. Or decide that the person is making you wait, trying to feel his own importance. In this situation, do this: firstly, do not jump to conclusions that such actions indicate disrespect for you; secondly, if you do come to this conclusion, do not get angry - because you do not need someone else's respect in order to respect yourself.
Someone with low self-esteem thinks (mostly on a subconscious level) something like this: “This person doesn’t like me or respect me enough to treat me appropriately.” By accepting ourselves, we accept those around us. We perceive the outside world through the filter of our own self-image, and if this idea is distorted, our relationships with people worsen .
“I have to look at him!”
This is why we always want to see the driver who cut us off on the road. There is always an explanation for such an action, but if the driver looks like he did it deliberately, out of lack of respect, we become even angrier. If this driver had turned out to be an old woman, we would not have been very angry, assuming that she simply had poor eyesight, and would not have taken what happened to heart. In addition, we always want the person behind the wheel to confirm our idea of who exactly can drive a car like that, since this increases the feeling of control over the situation - to know everything and always be right.
Low self-esteem makes a person self-centered, he begins to believe that the world revolves around him, and takes into account only his own desires and needs.
Self-esteem is the basis of self-esteem. Without respecting yourself, you cannot respect others. And if you also believe that others do not respect you, then you assume that their actions were intentional.
Psychological solution.
Are you tired of such phrases: “Because of you, I missed my turn” or “Why did you order this for me? You know that I don’t eat fried food,” or “Why aren’t the documents prepared? You had the whole night for this, didn’t you?” Then read on.
Solving this problem is quite simple. However, please note this first: no one has the right to insult you. If you feel like you've become a psychological punching bag for someone, do whatever it takes to change the situation.
Remember: people will treat you the way you allow them to . If you are dealing with someone who is at least somewhat reasonable, make it clear that their behavior is unacceptable.
But let's analyze a situation where it is not possible to do this - for example, if you are dealing with your boss, or your wife, or not very close family members.
The key to solving the problem is simple: give the other person what he so badly needs, and do it at a time when he is in a good mood. Thus, for the next aggravation of the situation, such a psychological climate will be created that your “enemy” will consider it inappropriate to find fault with you. He may choose another target for attacks, but this target will no longer be you. By applying this strategy, you become a source of psychological support for the person. That is why he cannot cut the notorious branch on which his psyche “sits”.
Instill self-respect.
The best defense is attack. Create a psychological reserve for your opponent so that he can use it if necessary. Below are simple ways to do this.
- Criticize a person only when absolutely necessary, using the methods described in the article “How to criticize correctly without hurting feelings.”
- When someone makes a mistake, support them and don't be too hard on them.
- Be tactful and polite when communicating.
- Do not discuss the person with others.
- Tell someone you know in common that you deeply respect and appreciate this person.
- Never humiliate your interlocutor or show your disrespect for him, especially in the presence of other people.
All these actions seem simple, but sometimes they are difficult to put into practice. However, their role in changing the relationship with a difficult person can be decisive.
Change a person's perception of himself.
You have to make the person identify with someone who won't pick on you and blame you for their problems.
This can be done through a simple but well thought out phrase. This situation requires that the other person perceives himself as a good-natured person, so you can say something like: “I admire how calm you are when things get crazy” or “I really appreciate you being patient with me.”
Phrases like these will help tap into such a powerful psychological factor as internal consistency. Thanks to these types of phrases, the person will feel an inner urge to act in accordance with your ideas about him, since you have touched his ego. People need their behavior to be consistent with how they see themselves and how they think others perceive them. It sounds very simple, but numerous studies confirm that self-image is very easy to change through this technique. People with low self-esteem may do irrational things, but giving up their sense of self is not one of them.
Get the person to do something for you.
If you turn to such a person for advice or ask him to share his thoughts, he will do it for you. He will give you his time and attention. When we invest in someone or something, we treat the object of that investment with due respect. Regardless of whether we are talking about a machine, a company or a person, the same psychological factor is at work. We take care of what we invest in, trying not to cause harm.
Now you become a source of support for this person, his admirer. To criticize you would be the same as criticizing himself, and even worse, since he seems to value you more than he values himself. (See the next article, How to Get Along with Unbalanced People, for other helpful techniques for dealing with this problem.)
Real life example.
The restaurant manager yells at the waiter for any reason, even the most insignificant.
Waiter [choosing the appropriate time]. Do you know what I respect you most about, Mr. Harris? You are always so calm in a tense situation, I just admire it. Mr Harris. Well, sometimes I do lose my temper... Waiter. None of us are immune from this. But you control yourself more than anyone else. Mr. Harris now sees himself through the waiter's eyes. The next time a manager wants to raise his voice at his subordinate, he will stop himself (most likely subconsciously), because he does not want to destroy the image of a person who knows how to control himself.
The waiter also turns to the manager for advice, again choosing the right moment for this:
Mr. Harris, I know you are a wise man. This is very personal, but I want to ask you for advice about a problem that I have with a friend...
The manager will willingly give advice to the waiter, making an emotional investment in him. As with any investment, a person is not indifferent to their future fate. He will never harm the object of his investment. Mr. Harris will no longer yell at the waiter.
Short review.
To calm an irritable, hot-tempered person, do the following:
1) inspire him to respect you; 2) change his idea of himself - perceiving himself as another person, he will begin to behave like another person; 3) make him invest his feelings in you.
Method 2 - “Why the dull one, or the Prestidigitator”
This is an active position and active actions. Be surprised and take the conversation in a different direction. Ask a lot of questions. Moreover, the questions are completely different - secondary and distracting from the essence, perhaps even stupid and indecent. A very important point: inconsistency of questions is a very strong factor.
Don't let him take the initiative in the conversation. Ask a bunch of “stupid” questions. Eventually this person will become uncomfortable and will begin to end the conversation. Don't be afraid to be like the notorious "blondes." This is very helpful.
Method 4 - “Phone is a lifeline”
This is the most marginal method, which has two options:
a) what can I do, they called me; b) I urgently need to call.
In both options, you ignore your interlocutor by interrupting yourself or him mid-sentence and suddenly starting to enthusiastically talk on the phone with another person. Of course, you can apologize in advance, but this does not change the essence of the matter.
The more obtuse the topic of your conversation on the phone, the better the effect. You can even step aside to “talk calmly,” and when you return, “not engage” in the conversation again. This is a gradual transition to the next, fifth, method.
Don't build your life around relationships2
Are you the kind of person who gives himself completely to a new relationship? When you fall in love, do you forget about daily routines, social connections, your dreams and career ambitions, completely focusing on your feelings for your partner?
Think about whether your relationship has overshadowed other equally important parts of your life? Did you communicate less with family and friends when you got into a relationship? Have your friends told you that you disappear from their radar when you fall mutually in love: you don’t make appointments, don’t write or call? Perhaps you believe that a person can find everything they need in a relationship, and interactions with other people are not so important when you have a partner?
How to stop loving a person if you have long believed that there is nothing more important than a relationship? And if you have built your whole life around your partner, it will be very difficult for you to get rid of attachment after breaking up.
To make it easier to cope with a breakup, try to restore lost social connections. Spend the weekend with friends, visit your parents. Make new friends if you can’t establish old contacts. Let other people into your life so you don't feel lonely.
When you start your next relationship, try not to become isolated. One partner physically cannot give you as much companionship and support as all your friends and family combined. Don't forget that there are many other important people in your life and in your partner's life.
Keep in touch with them and encourage your partner to do the same. This will help maintain a stable emotional environment in the relationship and not become dependent on your lover or lover.
Warning!
However, you should not abuse this method with good people if you yourself do not want to become an outcast. Otherwise, you can be branded an idiot and become completely uninteresting to people. Then they will start avoiding you. You probably won't like it.
Tags: conversations, psychological help, psychology of communication, psychological complexes, psychological problems, interlocutor, communication
