0 20356 December 2, 2020 at 09:35 pm Author of the publication: Evgenia Astreinova, psychologist
A depressed girl isolates herself from family and friends, withdraws into herself and doesn’t want to communicate with anyone? Or maybe she has become incredibly tearful and anxious, suffering from panic attacks? When a girl is depressed, does she get irritated and angry, or simply fall into a stupor and unable to take on anything?
There are so many different signs by which we try to determine the causes of a person’s bad conditions in order to help him! And we are looking for a solution, rushing from one extreme to the other: we are looking for folk remedies for depression, we are studying whether yoga will help with depression. Or maybe it’s worth taking the pills that the doctor prescribes? However, you can get a girl out of depression only if you have accurate knowledge of what mechanisms of our psyche caused certain symptoms. These mechanisms are disclosed in detail in System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Why love and mental disorder do not contradict each other
Love, no matter how strong, cannot cure mental illness.
But there is a scientifically proven fact: stable and supportive relationships improve mental health. Even those with severe disorders suffer fewer attacks and spend more time in remission. If you think: “Why any recommendations, you need to do your homework!” - keep in mind that approximately every fourth person around is not healthy. And if we take borderline states (that is, mildly expressed disorders), then almost every second person is abnormal to one degree or another at some period of his life. Since few people like to go to psychiatrists, this may become clear after many years of relationship. And at some point you may become seriously ill yourself, and you will probably count on care, and not on the fact that those with whom you have lived for years will run away in horror.
Tip #5. What about talking?
No talking. In order to bring your loved one out of depression, you should understand why this blues attacked her in the first place.
Carefully try to find out the true cause of depression. You may not be able to help her solve her problem. Yes, this is not necessary! Your girlfriend will see that you are attentive to her. She will understand that you are interested in what is happening in her life.
Or maybe it will even happen that you can help her in a difficult situation with wise advice. Advice, Karl! There is no need to lecture or put pressure on the girl! To bring your loved one out of depression, it is important to listen and hear.
How to love someone with depression
A fairly typical sad story of a relationship with a depressed partner: you had a magical romance, you dreamed of being together all the time, and finally built a common nest. And now nothing makes him or her happy, and in general he or she does nothing: sits at home and whines. “They probably already stopped loving me, or never loved me at all,” you think.
It is important to distinguish clinical depression (major depressive disorder) from reactive depression. The second develops in response to difficult events, and the chances are quite high that over time it will go away forever. In the first case, the person is chronically ill, usually from adolescence.
Attacks of depression occur more or less regularly, including without apparent external causes. Depression is almost twice as common in women, but it is more difficult to recognize in men, because they do not like to complain about symptoms and try to avoid visiting doctors.
Therefore, for a man with depression, the risk of suicide is higher, as well as slow self-destruction through alcohol or psychoactive substances. And a low mood can be accompanied by severe irritability, which makes the life of loved ones even less pleasant.
Depression can also manifest itself in less obvious ways. For example, in physical symptoms: my head always hurts, my back ache, my stomach twists and I have no strength for anything. Sex causes a lot of negative emotions - from quiet irritation to violent tears.
What not to do if your partner is prone to depression
Criticize and blame.
Believe me, your partner can do this very well on his own and does it from morning to evening. The consciousness of a depressed person is distorted; during these weeks (or even months) he really considers himself an unfit loser who is not worthy of your love. On the contrary, praise in such a state will never be superfluous: even for washing her hair and making tea.
Dissatisfaction with the world around and disappointment in what you used to like so much should not be egocentrically taken personally: most likely, at these moments, your partner is not thinking about you at all, but about the fact that his or her whole life is one complete failure, but humanity is heading towards the apocalypse.
Create stress
. If your girlfriend or boyfriend is prone to depression, it is important to understand that they objectively have less strength and energy, they get tired faster and react more strongly to negativity. The magic kick method, calls to get out of your comfort zone and brilliant advice in the spirit of “be more positive” will not help in any way. This does not mean that you cannot demand anything from your partner at all. It is possible, but not now, but when a person returns to normal and is able to perceive these demands adequately. A depressed man experiences double pressure, because he is traditionally expected to act and take initiative. It must be recognized that this will not happen in the near future. You may have to take on providing for your family for a while.
What to do if your partner is prone to depression
Stir it up a little.
In a depressed person, it is not the body that is paralyzed, but the willpower. He is physically able to get out of bed, but does not see the point in doing so. He needs to help, but in no case put pressure, but interest him. Negative emotions of all kinds are already overflowing, so it is important to show that there is still something pleasant left in life.
If the depression is severe, it will be a great achievement to simply take your loved one by the hand and take them out for a breath of fresh air, like someone who is seriously ill (which they are). If the situation is easier, you can choose different activities, the main thing is that they are feasible.
Support your efforts to get better.
Relevant for any mental disorder: instead of devaluing comments “everything is fine with you, rest a little and move on,” support practical steps towards recovery. Take her to a neurologist and psychotherapist, remind her how important it is to get enough sleep and exercise.
If episodes of depression recur and do not go away for weeks, you will need to take antidepressants (only with a prescription from a good doctor). And discouraging this is a disservice.
Always remember that depressive episodes pass, and if the person was good, then he will remain so. How soon depends on both of you.
pros
People prone to depression are by nature sensitive and impressionable. Many of them are thoughtful, subtle and romantic people who are no strangers to art. If you are attracted to lovers of philosophical conversations and poetry, there are very, very many depressed people among them.
Minuses
Such people can be not only weak and passive in life, but also obsessive. They become very attached and have a hard time with separation. This can result in a constant shifting of responsibility onto the partner and demands to take care of the one who has been tamed. Depressed men often become bitter drunkards, getting used to drowning out their depressed mood with alcohol.
About antidepressants
Depression is often confused with ordinary blues. This is incorrect and even risky. A depressive state does not go away on its own; it cannot be triggered. The disease must be treated by taking antidepressants under the supervision of a doctor. Mild drugs are mainly available with a prescription.
For example:
- Valerian tincture.
- Hawthorn tincture.
- Novo-passit.
- Mirtazapine.
- Amitriptyline.
- Mianserin.
- Persen.
- Azafen.
- Schisandra tincture.
- Ginseng tincture.
- Leuzea extract.
- Deprim.
- Paxil.
- Prozac.
- Maprotiline.
Before taking pills, you should consult a specialist. Otherwise, you can cause irreparable harm to the body.
How to Love Someone with Bipolar Disorder
It is impossible not to pay attention to this self-confident charismatic. He pursued you with all his passion, and he managed to impress you not only with his lively wit, but also with a surprise trip to Africa on safari. Imagine your surprise when, after just a year of marriage, your partner turned into a weak-willed inhabitant of the sofa. He watches helplessly as you, in splendid isolation, complete the creative renovation he started, and only occasionally makes comments about how maybe it shouldn’t have been done. And in general to come together.
The entire life of a person with bipolar disorder (and this applies to both men and women) is a seesaw, a rollercoaster of dizzying highs and painful lows. Each slide has its own degree of steepness: for some, the contrasts are not so strong, and they retain a normal human appearance almost all the time. Others are first taken out of touch with reality (mania with psychosis), and then thrown into the abyss (severe depression).
What not to do if your partner has bipolar disorder
Expect consistency.
He won't be there. If you dream of “taming and domesticating” a bipolar person, you are in vain. Even the most conscious and well-treated person needs a certain amount of adventurism. This is a person doomed to constant search: for himself, for a place in life. You shouldn’t expect him to patiently climb the career ladder in a big company for 10 years and complete all the things he started. But you have a chance to become the main constant in his or her life (such people actually really need something constant).
Argue.
When a person is in mania, it is useless to argue with him. At this moment you are a mere mortal, unable to appreciate the genius of his ideas. And if there are signs of psychosis, any conversations are pointless. Only potent drugs will help.
Support the madness.
The opposite tactic is also very dangerous: encouraging and supporting madness. Traveling all over India by bike? A business selling walrus tusk souvenirs? In mania, a bipolar person is ready to rush to carry out any crazy idea, and you may even like it at first. But if you are healthy, this will be a great adventure for you, and for him it will be a trigger that can trigger a real attack of psychosis. Or suicidal depression.
What to do if your partner has bipolar disorder
Look for balance, establish a routine.
The golden mean probably sounds boring, but you have to stick to it in everything. Most likely, it is you, as a more balanced person, who will have to establish and maintain an adequate routine for living together: eat normal food on time (and not cake with champagne), go to bed on time, alternate work and rest, and if things get worse, take mood stabilizers. Your partner's health depends on this routine: the more stable his daily life is, the fewer attacks he will have.
Channel your energy.
It is useless to prohibit inventing adventures, but you can take on the role of an expert who rationally assesses the prospects of new ideas.
It can be occupied, for example, by drawing up a detailed business plan and collecting information. If a person is still inadequate, he will spend his energy on diagrams and sketches and calm down a little. And if he remains critical, maybe he will come up with something truly brilliant.
Keep track of your finances.
In mania, a bipolar person can easily waste the entire family budget on cute trinkets. Psychologists strictly advise that during an attack (which is usually only a few weeks) you confiscate your partner’s documents and bank cards and even block the Internet.
pros
Perhaps the most “creative” diagnosis. A wide range of emotions and wild imagination help such people become inventors, entrepreneurs, and actors (if they have talent, of course). On the rise, this is a holiday person and the soul of the company, who will pick you up in his arms and carry you towards adventure.
Minuses
The climb never lasts long. The main problem of living with a bipolar person is instability: he either works around the clock, or doesn’t work at all, then comes up with a dozen things to do, then abandons them, leaving you to deal with the consequences.
People with bipolar disorder can be not only creators, but also swindlers and graphomaniacs, as well as pathological liars and incorrigible cheaters.
A manic person changes lovers as easily as he changes all his other hobbies. Those who have known each other for six months and couples with 10 years of experience and three children are not immune from this. The craving for novelty and adventure does not always lead them to good things.
How to Love Someone with Anxiety Disorder
You met a nice girl with whom you finally felt warm and cozy. Sensitive, attentive, for the first time in her life she put your apartment in order and, it seems, is ready to care for and cherish it, like her own mother. However, the comparison with your mother is not the most encouraging, because pretty soon she begins to control you in the same way. You can no longer hang out at the bar after work, because she won’t let you go, scared to death that someone will beat you up and rob you. However, she herself doesn’t go to parties either, because she can’t stand loud music and large companies. And at some point, an attempt to correct the mess she caused at home causes real hysterics.
This may not just be a “severe character”, but an anxiety disorder - a widespread and diverse mental disorder: from generalized anxiety disorder to panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder and various types of phobias.
Each anxious person has their own main fears: some are shaken by the company of new people, others by worry for loved ones. Constant worry exhausts and leaves little energy for useful activities, so you shouldn’t expect high energy and efficiency from them.
Some people will find fearfulness and impressionability very cute, but don’t flatter yourself too much: anxiety has another side - aggression aimed at self-defense. This side is especially pronounced in anxious men: they, as a rule, are also economical and caring, but the level of control (for your own good!) can reach despotism.
A common way to cope with anxiety is through numerous rules and rituals, which reach the point of absurdity in obsessive-compulsive disorder. This is not a whim, but a relatively effective way to cope with the situation: the performed ritual calms you down and gives you a feeling of control over what is happening. This is definitely not worth laughing at. After all, when you say a prayer to calm yourself before an important event, or sleep with a textbook under your pillow before an exam, you are doing the same thing.
What not to do if your partner has an anxiety disorder
To be left alone with problems.
Being left alone with fears is the main nightmare of the anxious. Dr. Spock's "the best way to stop a tantrum is to not react to it" doesn't work here. You, of course, will save yourself from an unpleasant sight, but the relationship is unlikely to last long after this. And if you stay nearby, embodying understanding and calm with your whole appearance, they will definitely appreciate it. Holding your hand firmly and leading you away from an unpleasant place may be enough to stop a panic attack. It is important to listen to the entire stream of consciousness and say something reassuring.
“Feed” anxiety.
If you yourself are quite anxious, you will have a very difficult time. It is important for the anxious person to believe that there is a person nearby who controls the situation better than him. And if you easily become infected with panic and begin to voice new terrible versions of what is happening, then he will lose the last ground under his feet.
Save from all adversity.
Sparing your beloved or loved one from all hardships (from nervous work to a couple of hours in an apartment alone) is also not a solution at all. Anxiety has a dangerous feature: fueled by fears, it grows, capturing new spaces. This is called “generalization”: first a person is afraid of white mice, then of the laboratories in which they live, and in the end he cannot cross the threshold of the university. Thus, the anxious person risks driving himself into a corner and finding himself in complete isolation.
What to do if your partner has an anxiety disorder
Don't escalate.
Since you are together, find out what exactly scares your partner and never abuse it.
Keep me posted.
Regularly communicate when you arrive home, what important things you are doing and why you are in a bad mood. This way you will save your and her or his nerves. After all, when an anxious person does not know what is happening, his brain draws the worst version possible. By the time you return from an unplanned meeting with a friend, a team of volunteer rescuers may already be looking for you.
Create a safe environment.
The sensitive psyche of an anxious person cannot tolerate overload. She can be “closed” even from an excess of positive impressions, for example, at a stormy holiday. Therefore, it is extremely important that the home is a quiet and cozy place where you can relax.
Support in the fight against fears.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy suggests fighting fears using the “wedge by wedge” method: accustoming yourself to frightening situations. But this needs to be done gradually and in truly safe conditions, no “throw you off the boat and let him learn to swim” (they will never forgive you for this). The support of a partner creates this feeling of security, and in general it’s great to expand the boundaries of an interesting world together: for example, climb onto a beautiful roof arm in arm with your loved one and overcome your fear of heights.
pros
Anxious people are considerate, empathetic, and responsible. They try to foresee everything and prepare for everything simply because they cannot do otherwise. They will find a way to save money for a rainy day, will always notice when something happens to you, and will take a warm jacket for you on a trip. If you value care and are not afraid of some degree of overprotection, then you will be comfortable together.
Minuses
The reasons for fear and anxiety may have nothing to do with reality, and then guardianship turns into hysteria or domestic terror. Anxious people can be rigid and controlling in their attempts to protect themselves from anything threatening. They torment loved ones with interrogations and prohibitions. It’s not for nothing that at psychology lectures they like to cite the example of Chekhov’s “Man in a Case” - a rather difficult character.
Pathological jealous people are also often anxious people.
And if you even accidentally put your loved one in a situation that is unbearable for her, for example, you get stuck in an elevator on the 20th floor because she is afraid of heights, you may be physically harmed by heels and nails.
What can you do to avoid getting depressed?
Experts who help people cope with personal problems have identified several general rules for overcoming depression. The measures are quite effective in restoring a person’s faith in himself and in the future.
READ Ways to leave a guy beautifully and painlessly
List of recommendations:
- Write down the positive and negative qualities of the second half in two columns. Periodically re-read the column with negative character traits.
- Find a friend who will calmly listen to all your mental anguish. Talk to him, cry.
- Look at your ex-partner as if from the outside. Perhaps he no longer possesses the qualities that were attractive before.
It is important to find an activity that will completely captivate you with its promise and novelty. And also schedule your day minute by minute so that there is no time left for sadness.
How to Love Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Like depression, this disorder is more common in women. But don’t forget that a quarter of all “border guards” are men. Finding yourself in a relationship with a “border guard” or “border guard” is as easy as shelling pears: these are emotional, sociable guys who literally cannot live without love. But they quickly become disappointed (or disappointed), and therefore periodically remain in active search. The essence of their relationship style is perfectly described in the book “I Hate You - Don’t Leave Me”: a constant storm of emotions and contrasts.
Today you were a princess and a dream come true for him - and a week later he calls you an arrogant egoist. In the morning she sings in the bathroom, and in the evening she complains that she has been unhappy all her life and is not understood by anyone. The peculiarity of border guards is the comprehensive predominance of feelings over reason. At the most physical level: their amygdala, the part of the brain that is responsible for emotions, mainly negative ones, is overactive. Their thinking is colored in black and white, at every single moment everything is either perfect or too bad.
Borderlines have difficulty understanding who they really are and what they want from life and from you: this is called identity disorder. It is very painful. Often border guards cause physical harm to themselves just to numb their mental pain.
To maintain balance, the border guard needs to “attach” to a more stable person and look at himself through his eyes. No partner will be able to fully compensate for the deficit that has been going on since childhood, and therefore the relationship will not be easy. But this does not mean that they are doomed to failure. Provided there is sufficient awareness on both sides, there is a chance to learn how to smooth out rough edges.
What not to do if your partner has BPD
Ignore.
Being hysterical from a border guard is not only pointless, but also dangerous. If you leave, slamming the door, it will be perceived as “gone forever, no one needs me, why live.” It can even go as far as suicide threats, which will seem like banal blackmail to you. This may be true, but always remember that most border guards have actually attempted suicide. Some of them risk becoming the last. Emotions are so strong and unstable that they drown out the voice of reason completely. Accusations made in hysterics cannot be taken seriously. When the storm subsides, the border guard will most likely completely forget what he said.
Provoke.
The psyche of a border guard is easily excitable and unstable, and therefore they easily succumb to provocations. If you push your opinion or argue aggressively, then a banal finding out who is going to the store will turn into an analysis of your relationship from the first day you met. With a stream of abuse and the most sophisticated accusations.
What to do if your partner has BPD
Acknowledge the reality of his feelings.
No matter how absurd the drama unfolding out of the blue may seem, for the border guard all the experiences are absolutely real. At this moment he feels rejected, lonely, practically non-existent. Just admit it - the borderline rarely finds understanding for his feelings, which are always “too much” for others, and will be grateful. You can also simply distract yourself from intense experiences: not always, but your favorite movie or good sex will save you.
Connect your mind.
In psychotherapy, the main methods of helping people with BPD are teaching techniques to control emotions and training logical thinking. You can also help your partner with this by calmly (without moralizing!) talking through and explaining conflict situations.
A reality check helps a lot: using specific examples, explain that there are no real reasons for his fear (for example, of being left alone and in poverty for the rest of his days). It is important to remind that bad moments will pass, and life will move on.
pros
Many people with BPD are bright, strongly feeling, and creative. They are easily carried away by both people and activities, they love the new and unusual. With them you definitely won’t get bored from the lack of emotions and events in your life together.
Minuses
They are manipulators. Since childhood, border guards have become accustomed to the idea that they must fight for care and attention by any means necessary. And if you don’t give them enough of this (and it’s impossible to give them, because too much is required), heavy artillery can be used against you, and before you know it, you will find yourself guilty of all the ills of the universe. Stalkers who pursue those who have rejected their love are also often people with BPD. Their self-esteem is so strongly tied to their chosen one or chosen one that they are unable to let it go.
What to do if you have a mental disorder
Sometimes or quite often we are unbearable. No one chooses to have a mental disorder, but no one relieves us, adults, capable people with our own characteristics, of responsibility for relationships. We can make them better, more honest, more constructive. In the end, this is in our personal interests: as I already reminded, balance in relationships is not a guarantee, but almost a prerequisite for mental balance.
Tell me honestly.
No one can read minds; you can’t expect your partner to guess everything himself and to guess every time you feel bad. If you have serious plans for life together, tell us about your personal characteristics and triggers. About in what situations you really need help and in what form. Don’t expect that people will understand you and agree with everything right away - accepting the fact that a loved one has a mental illness is really difficult.
But if, after numerous and patient explanations, your partner continues to stand by his prejudices, you will probably have to admit that the relationship will not work.
Another scientifically proven fact: destructive relationships in which a person with an unstable psyche is regularly devalued, accused, and provoked into negative emotions are worse than none at all.
Explain.
Perhaps you don’t really want to act as an educator and rummage through scientific literature. But if you don’t explain (in detail, with links to authoritative sources) to the person you live with what your diagnosis is, no one else will, and then misunderstanding is guaranteed. If it's hard to find words, find some good movies and books. And if there is trust in your relationship, you can invite your partner to talk to your doctor.
Aim for remission.
There are many people in the world with mental disorders who quite happily create families, build houses and give birth to children. But all happy families are similar in one thing: the spouse with the disease is aware of his condition and undergoes therapy. Psychotherapy helps some, others need pills, while for others a healthy lifestyle and self-control are enough.
If you deny the very need to somehow adjust your behavior and believe that your partner is obliged to accept you as you are, with all your problems, you can hardly count on a long-term relationship.
There are also statistics that show: when a partner is not treated, the probability of divorce for various disorders reaches 90%.
The main causes of depressive disorder
As a person grows older, he strives to find a partner with whom he will be good and comfortable. People spend years on relationships, putting their whole soul into them, trying to make them more harmonious and ideal. Therefore, the breakup of a union is always perceived painfully by the participants of the couple.
The disease is more common in women because they live more emotionally. Girls hope for a wonderful future under the wing of a strong companion. And a breakup brings a feeling of fear, uselessness, and uncertainty. Violation of spiritual harmony serves as an impetus for the development of the disease.
READ How to get over a breakup with a girl: a step-by-step plan and recommendations from psychologists
Men are less likely to develop depression after breaking up with a girlfriend. This is due to the fact that young people switch more easily to work and can plunge headlong into business problems. However, such a life is accompanied by a feeling of guilt towards children, ex-wife, girlfriend. Often a man cannot find a suitable match for a long time and languishes alone, disillusioned with freedom.
How not to be an asshole
No matter how severe our illness may be, only part of our unpleasant actions depends on the symptoms, the other part depends only on ourselves. Trust Viktor Frankl, a psychologist who found opportunities to show humanity even for people with schizophrenia imprisoned in a concentration camp.
A person with a mental disorder is in a state of attack/episode only a small part of the time, the rest of the time he is quite capable of controlling his behavior (if this were not so, the issue of deprivation of legal capacity would be on the agenda).
If you can't help but destroy everything around you when panic strikes, you can fix what's broken when you come to your senses. And apologize to those who managed to suffer, thanking them for their patience and support. One friend told a touching story about how, being deeply depressed, she made jam for friends because she could not express her love for them in words.
You can’t abuse your partner’s trust either: for example, attribute any unwell health to illness and shift difficult tasks onto him every time.
The resource of anyone, even a completely healthy person, is limited, and at some point a partner may leave, not because he is a traitor and does not value you, but simply because there is no more strength. And this is not the worst ending: having burned out, having given away more resources than he had, he risks falling into depression himself - or becoming dependent on alcohol or other harmful substances (not the rarest situation in families of people with mental disorders - it’s not for nothing that they exist support groups specifically for relatives). Then you will have to save him.
How long can this condition last?
It is impossible to say exactly how long a person’s depression will last after a breakup. On average, the depressed state does not leave the individual for several months. By the end of the first year after a breakup, people recover and are ready to make new acquaintances with people of the opposite sex.
The duration of depression largely depends on the character of the person, his temperament, worldview, vitality, desire to get rid of negative emotions and experiences. The number of years spent with the chosen one also affects the reason for the separation.
