It is difficult to imagine human relationships without manipulation. The media, authorities, bosses and relatives have a serious influence on each of us.
It’s harder for those people who are manipulated by loved ones: husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend, other family members and friends. You don’t want to dance to someone else’s tune, but it’s inconvenient to refuse. How to understand that you are being manipulated and fight back the offender, read on.
Examples of manipulations
Manipulation is emotional blackmail. The essence is to subjugate another person through pressure.
Most people don't think that they are manipulators. A person does not always press out of malice. Sometimes he does this unconsciously, because his parents did this to him in childhood .
For example:
- The wife, who shows her dissatisfaction with all her appearance: what happened, does not say. Thus, she makes the man feel guilty and forces him to do what she needs.
- A mother who distracts the baby from what is really interesting to him, forcing him to eat or be quieter.
- A girl sighing on a date with the words “I’d like to go to a restaurant now...”.
- A man who reminds of himself once every couple of days and makes a woman wait and hope.
How can you understand: are you being manipulated, or is your loved one simply behaving this way without malicious intent?
The main signs of a manipulator
Manipulators have the rare quality of seeming like “prince charming” at the beginning of a relationship.
1. Body
Remember that our instinct of self-preservation reacts with a surge of adrenaline to danger. I wrote about this in one of the articles. Nausea, insomnia, causeless fever, vomiting, rapid heartbeat, incoherent speech, sweaty palms, sudden weight loss, memory loss - it’s difficult to remember the details of the meeting with him. This is a signal. Ideally, at this moment you need to cut off contact with this person. But unfortunately, our misunderstanding and female naivety force us to continue.
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2. Discomfort
Psychological discomfort when communicating with such a man. Remember: good is when it’s good. And if you feel bad, then something is wrong. As a rule, this condition manifests itself as tension during communication. You always can't relax around him.
3. Illogicality
He says one thing and does another. And this is repeated repeatedly.
4. Closedness
He doesn't introduce you to his friends, you never know where he is or with whom.
This list is not complete, but it is enough to identify and identify a manipulator at the first stage. Another thing is that many of us think: “Or maybe I imagined it? He's so good." The fact of the matter is that manipulators have a rare quality - to seem like “prince charming” at the beginning of a relationship. Therefore, a woman with an ineffective (weak) value system continues her relationship with him, and then we get a chapter of our book of life called “Experience of a relationship with a manipulator.” The difference in this experience will only be in the depth of the trauma, which is determined by the type of manipulator we ran into.
How to understand that you are being manipulated
It is easy to understand that you are being manipulated. Psychologists identify the main signs - feelings that arise when you are under emotional pressure.
- The desire to rush to help to the detriment of one’s own interests. A person is ready to give up what he’s doing and rush off to help someone else. He may have urgent obligations, they didn’t ask for help, they only hinted with the words “when you’re done,” “if it’s not difficult for you,” “it’s a pity, but I was hoping.”
- Guilt. You don't understand why you feel guilty. Manipulators know how to cultivate feelings of guilt in others; they are usually themselves to blame for the situation that has occurred.
- Use. The offender does not always show gratitude for the help. He can go beyond principles, do everything possible, and in response hear “is this all I could?”
- A feeling of victorious righteousness. It appears on its own, without requiring analysis. This happens at the moment when a person begins to understand: he is being manipulated. He stops being a victim and fights back against the offender.
Sarcasm and teasing
Passive-aggressive manipulation is based on sarcastic grins, teasing and caustic remarks towards the partner. This is difficult to discern right away for the simple reason that close people will allow each other to make fun of themselves. But one day, friendly banter can take things to the next level.
Sarcasm is used by the manipulator as a weapon that slowly kills the victim. With each new time, the injections will be more caustic and deeper. A gradual increase in the amount of sprayed poison ensures addiction. And if you get angry at one of the comments, the aggressor can always write it off as a joke. At the end of the conversation, he will add the catchphrase: “You have become too sensitive.”
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Psychological defense techniques
Do you understand that you are being manipulated? Think about how to get rid of this. Psychologists give techniques to help fight back any manipulator:
- Get rid of the cause of the incident: no motive - no manipulation.
- Turn your attention to the manipulator: ask him for help in return, give him “useful” advice.
- Abstract: genius is simple. Stop communicating with such a person.
- Address the manipulator by name, looking intently into the eyes. This behavior will shame the offender. This technique will work if a person is purposefully trying to use you for his own selfish purposes. How to understand that you are being used , read here.
- Don’t let me generalize: “I’m not always late, but today.” If a husband is trying to instill in his wife a feeling of guilt that she is a bad housewife, the woman, instead of immediately rushing to bake a pie in the middle of the night, can explain to him that there were many other important things to do this week and he did not help her.
- Firmly repeat the refusal until the manipulator understands.
- Don't allow your personal space to be invaded. Learn how to assert personal boundaries .
- Stop cultivating feelings of guilt.
Don't flatter yourself with hopes that one day this person will stop manipulating. If you succumb to his “provocations,” he will do it again and again. If possible, reduce communication or stop it altogether.
Psychological test: are you easy to manipulate?
Here are the results of the test “Are you easy to manipulate?” If you have already passed the test, then the results are presented below, if not yet, then you can do it using the link provided below.
You can take the test using this link: Test: Are you easy to manipulate?
From 8 to 13 points - Now your style of behavior depends primarily on the opinions of others. You get discouraged easily and have great difficulty forcing yourself to do things you don’t like. The word “must” unsettles me. Suspiciousness prevents you from establishing relationships with people. This is not to say that you are the master of your decisions. At the same time, you are too sensitive, you are led by your emotions. You need to reconsider your approach to solving most problems, otherwise you risk becoming a victim of other people's manipulations.
From 14 to 20 points - You strive to find your way, although for now you are swimming more and more with the flow. Able to critically evaluate their actions. So those around you cannot influence you if they do not have arguments convincing enough for you. If common sense tells you that the position you defended is harmful to you, then you are able to abandon it. Analyze the situation more often, weigh your decisions, find arguments - this will help you avoid manipulation by other people.
From 21 to 27 points - Deep down, you consider yourself always right and infallible. But you are also subject to external influence. There are two or three people who are significant to you, before whose opinions you give in and give up your positions. And yet, having rational and analytical thinking, strive to find a middle ground between your own views and the situations that life puts before you. It helps that you instinctively choose the right path. Conclusion: you are protected from the manipulations of others, but there is a group of people whose opinions are difficult for you to resist.
From 28 to 34 points - It is very difficult for you to give up your views and principles, even if you see that you are wrong. The more someone tries to influence you, the stronger the resistance. But, most likely, behind your external perseverance lies not so much self-confidence as the fear of getting into an unpleasant situation and “causing fire on yourself.” On the other hand, it protects you from most of the manipulations of others.
From 35 to 40 points - Once you get something into your head, it’s impossible to change your mind. You are a tough person who recklessly pursues your goals. But sometimes you burn bridges in vain and then slowly regret it. But someone who knows you well and anticipates your reaction can skillfully and quietly guide your actions. So, less stubbornness and straightforwardness, more intelligence and flexibility! If you learn to control your emotions, not only will it become impossible for you to manipulate, you yourself will be able to easily pull the right strings and get the right reactions and actions from people.
Isolation, lack of care
Having lived with an emotional tyrant for 9 years, I have personally experienced all these passive-aggressive tricks. When, after the divorce, I read books on psychology and found an identical resemblance to the psychological portrait of my ex-husband, I was left wondering: how were all these characteristics copied so accurately from him?
But at that time I felt that I was placed in some kind of parallel reality. My will was broken, my self-esteem was destroyed. His favorite technique was the “cold war,” which could last up to two months. At the same time, my ex-husband pretended that I did not exist in the house. He didn’t talk to me, didn’t show concern, and waited for me to confess.
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It would seem that his method did not work, because I did not succumb to these tricks and did not take responsibility for his next insult. However, living in a big house in isolation was causing me to slowly go crazy. I think that if I had not managed to break out of this vicious circle, in the end it would have broken my will.
Suggestion
Passive aggressors love to inspire their victims with something that doesn’t really exist. They lie without a twinge of conscience, they commit inappropriate acts, and then foam at the mouth and deny everything. Their main goal is to make the victim believe that she made it all up.
Not long ago I came across the detective drama “The Girl on the Train” with Emily Blunt in the title role. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. The main character's husband is a typical passive aggressor, programming his victim to develop a scenario convenient for himself.
Avoidance of responsibility
However, there are many psychological manipulations. If an emotional tyrant wants to get away with something wrong, he immediately falls at the feet of his victim, offering insincere apologies. For example, my husband sometimes drank at work or stayed late with friends without warning me.
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Every time he came home late, the first thing he did was actually fall to his knees, saying, “Forgive me, my Showman (the nickname he gave me).” This confused me, making it impossible for me to clarify the details of his absence. He felt that he would not bear any responsibility, and from that moment on he could walk around the house like a peacock.
Well, since the manipulator was justified, now he can, with a clear conscience, shift the responsibility for his sins onto his victim. He will do everything to make the victim feel guilty for his lateness. But here is another option: if he does not receive a promotion or earns little, he will definitely connect the current failures with his soulmate.
Manipulative men often blame their wives, who are on maternity leave, for a decrease in their standard of living (even if the woman has good child care benefits or an additional source of income). Placing the blame for your failures on the shoulders of another person is so convenient. It is easier for an aggressor to blame a partner than to follow the path of self-development.
