How to overcome excellent student syndrome and finally relax

Excellent student syndrome (excellent student complex) occurs in childhood, although it is believed that it manifests itself more often in adults. A child who has an excellent student complex is convenient for his parents because of his obedience and efforts to meet their requirements. In an adult, the manifestations of this syndrome lead to many difficulties in life.

The excellent student complex (syndrome) is not only the desire to do everything perfectly. This is an obsessive need to receive recognition from others, high assessments of one’s actions on their part. Plus, to be successful in any field and to be the first in everything.

Causes of excellent student syndrome

Considering that the origins of the excellent student complex in adults come from childhood, it is necessary to identify the reasons for its appearance. In the process of socialization, the child is significantly influenced by the environment, parents - to a greater extent. Excellent student syndrome in children can develop due to improper upbringing. When their parents rely on the erroneous experience of their educators and have insufficient knowledge in the field of child psychology. The main causes of excellent student syndrome:

1. The child receives praise from parents and educators only for the excellent results of his actions. At the same time, his personal characteristics, abilities, and inclinations are not taken into account. Gradually, the child is no longer praised for high-quality completion of the task. This kind of performance is becoming the norm. The child develops the belief that he must do everything in the best possible way, and it cannot be any other way.
2. Adults often make the mistake of comparing their child with other children who, in their opinion, are more successful in something. It would seem that this is done with the best intentions: to arouse in a son or daughter a desire to develop, to become better than others. The consequences of such upbringing are twofold: either the child develops an inferiority complex, or being first and better than others becomes an end in itself, the child stops enjoying the process of completing tasks. His goal is to earn approval at any cost. As a result, there is an excellent student syndrome.
3. If there is a firm belief in the family that love is earned only through good deeds, then the child sees its manifestations only when he behaves well. A belief arises: the more “correct” he is, the more he is loved. A girl or boy tries to conform to their parents’ ideas of “correctness”, while moving away from their individuality and developing an excellent student (excellent student) complex.
4. Adults regularly scold and punish a child for mistakes according to the principle: “if you tried harder, everything would work out.” Gradually, this develops in him excessive self-criticism and excellent student syndrome. As an adult, a person constantly strives for perfection, acutely experiencing his failures and mistakes.
5. Indifference on the part of adults causes a child to feel lonely and lack self-confidence. He tries to attract the attention of his parents with good grades and actions, tries to do everything perfectly in order to finally receive the necessary attention and recognition.

The danger of excellent student syndrome in both adults and children manifests itself in emotional and mental exhaustion. A person in this state has a hard time experiencing his mistakes and defeats. With such internal tension, even everyday obstacles can seem insurmountable after a while.

Excellent student syndrome is more often observed in women who in childhood were taught the idea that they had to be an obedient girl, an exemplary, well-rounded student. True, this complex is also not uncommon among men.

Where does the syndrome of an excellent student or excellent student come from?

How does this desire to do everything perfectly arise? Like many other psychological difficulties, the roots are in childhood. As a rule, this is only a consequence of other problems or attitudes, and not the root cause. But the source just needs to be found and eliminated in order to understand what exactly to do next.

1. Yet most often the reasons are hidden in the parent-child relationship. There can be a lot of provoking factors, most of them are related to the methods of raising a child. If a child thinks from childhood that family love depends on good grades, earned certificates and medals, then such a problem awaits him. When a student can get his mother's attention only through achievements, he will try to achieve more goals.
2. Often parents openly tell their child that he is bad if he brought bad or simply not excellent grades. At the same time, not only twos and threes, but, for example, fives with a minus can be considered “bad” in the family. Parents themselves can live by the rules that only the best is considered the result.
3. Punishment also leads to the syndrome. They can be physical, then the desire to be an excellent student is not the worst possible consequence, but they can be ordinary deprivations of something.
4. If mom and dad don’t say anything, don’t reproach, but are silently dissatisfied with the child and feel disappointed, then this also works “great.”
5. If you exaggerate the importance of good grades with success in life, then you can also get into trouble. There is no direct connection between A's in school and a good career.

It is important to understand here that we are talking about exaggerations. All children are different. Some even benefit from daily lectures on the importance of education. Children continue to live in their own routine, but take into account information from their parents. But someone, due to excessive care, turns into a broken toy, which considers the result only an A plus or first place. We should not try to embody in our children what we ourselves have not succeeded in achieving. You need to try to accept them as they are.

Symptoms of the disease

The symptoms of excellent student syndrome are very vivid and acutely experienced. In some situations, this complex can develop into a pathology, becoming akin to a disease, but this rarely happens.

However, even moderately expressed signs of excellent student syndrome complicate life, limit a person’s capabilities, and provoke difficulties in interpersonal relationships. The severity of excellent student syndrome can vary; its distinctive features are:

• an inflated sense of responsibility, especially among women: they must be ideal mothers, wives, women. Have time to do household chores, raise children, plan family leisure, build a career, and also maintain an impeccable appearance;
• The need to do everything perfectly is perfectionism. A person sets a high standard for himself, which everything he does must meet. If there is no such correspondence, he feels broken, empty, worthless. Unfortunately, in reality, not everything depends on a person, so achieving the ideal often becomes impossible;
• acute reaction to criticism, even objective. Criticism causes in a person with excellent student syndrome not a desire to change, to work on oneself, but an inferiority complex and a depressive state;
• an urgent need for the approval of others. A person craves approval and praise for his every action and achievement. He does not accept himself as he is, because he is internally convinced that without perfect completion of the task he is not worthy of love and respect;
• “winners in everything” - men and women with excellent student syndrome do not know how to lose, they must be better than others in any situation. They are painfully aware of the victories and success of those who are better than them;
• fear of taking risks - a person with excellent student syndrome rarely opens his own business, is afraid to start from scratch, suddenly change his profession, move to another city, etc. All these fears stem from the fear of failure, the fear of doing “something wrong.”

The most interesting thing: people who strive to be perfect, successful in all areas of life, rarely achieve significant success. Often their peers, who have a simpler outlook on life and from time to time allow it to flow on its own, worry less about failures and achieve greater results.

What is excellent student syndrome in adults

Here we will talk about specific already formed conditions that interfere with adult life. Excellent student syndrome is indeed most often found in women, but some men are also prone to similar conditions. As a rule, the causes of the occurrence and development of this “disease” do not depend on gender. The syndrome appears in the area of ​​an elementary school. Parents are usually, on the contrary, happy that they are raising a conscientious and responsible child. The kid is trying to get straight A's in his grades - isn't this happiness?

The bad thing is that excessive craving for great achievements and excellent results is carried over into adulthood. Some people live by the same principles only at work, because this is a logical continuation of their apprenticeship, while others want to extend this way of existence to all areas of life. People make incorrect logical connections. The wife thinks her husband only loves her when she cooks the perfect dinner. An employee of a large company decides that her boss treats her kindly only because she never misses deadlines. These people are satisfied only with the ideal scenario of events and nothing else.

This syndrome forces you to spend a lot of effort and energy to achieve success in areas where it is not particularly needed. This causes difficulties in relationships with family, colleagues and friends.

A person spends all his free time on maintaining his image and achieving results, but not all goals are amenable to him. Therefore, there is a fear of taking on new things and projects or learning new things. A person simply cannot withstand the first stage of training, where he is not yet able to do everything perfectly. And if there are no ideal indicators, then there is no point in what was done.

In fact, the excellent student syndrome has its advantages. Initially, the basis is the desire to do your job as well as possible. This implies responsibility, meticulousness, scrupulousness in doing things, meeting deadlines for completing assignments and many other useful characteristics. Therefore, it is usually not recommended to completely get rid of the syndrome, but rather to take control of it.

Portrait of an excellent student: alarming symptoms

There are several signs by which you can distinguish a person with excellent student syndrome:

• the desire to always be first in everything;
• acute, prolonged experience of any, even minor, failure;
• a person with excellent student syndrome reacts sharply to criticism and remarks;
• fear of failure, leading to refusal of activity;
• constant comparison of oneself with others, a jealous attitude towards the praise of another person, not his;
• self-esteem, depending on the views and opinions of other people;
• persistent desire to always meet the expectations of others;
• a person with excellent student syndrome is characterized by a negative attitude towards the successes of others and poorly concealed glee over their failures;
• excessive self-confidence, which sharply decreases after criticism;
• inability to enjoy life and treat oneself with humor.

Symptoms

In children, this syndrome has the following symptoms:

• the desire to get excellent grades in any way - a child may set up a friend because of competition or not tell about a bad grade;
• lack of balance - hysterics occur in the absence of praise from an adult, even when the child is performing simple chores around the house;
• fear of making a mistake - when a child is afraid that he may do something wrong and nothing can be corrected;
• self-esteem, which depends on the criticism or praise of others;
• the child’s bad attitude towards classmates who achieve success: a little person simply cannot rejoice at the successes and achievements of other people;
• lack of responsibility for one's actions and words.

Diagnosis of the syndrome

In some cases, with serious emotional instability, consultation with a psychiatrist may be required to determine or exclude excellent student (excellent student) syndrome. He will be able to determine what causes a person’s condition: a healthy desire for self-realization or a pathological desire that requires serious correction. For this purpose, perfectionism tests consisting of 24 or 45 questions are used in psychiatry. The subject's frank answers will help determine his psychological state.

How is the “excellent student syndrome” formed?

A child’s desire to “always be on top” and demonstrate his success to others is often a manifestation of his deep lack of self-confidence. The reasons for this uncertainty can be very different. Usually these are complexes about one’s appearance, lack of friends, and, in the child’s opinion, family status that is not high enough. The child may also believe that his parents do not love him enough. In this case, the desire to get good grades can be a way to attract the attention of adults and prove to them your worth.

Children often become an extension of their parents' ambitions. Many of them believe that in order for a son or daughter to achieve something in life, they need to completely devote themselves to the child. Child psychologists have long proven the fact that the behavioral and psychological problems of children are a reflection of the internal attitudes of their parents and the patterns of behavior that are accepted in the family. Fathers and mothers who place high demands on themselves unconsciously transfer their own qualities and problems onto their children, forming in them the so-called “excellent student syndrome.” At the same time, parents may not make specific demands on the child. Children subtly sense the mood of those around them, intuitively tuning into their “wave”.

A perfectionist child, as a rule, experiences even minor failures very acutely. The pursuit of success and achievements can turn into depression for him. After all, being always the best is hard both physically and mentally. Such children lose their childish spontaneity and ability to enjoy what is good in their lives. They have problems communicating with peers.

The fear of doing something wrong prevents a perfectionist from learning. The child is very worried about academic failures, gets upset when he makes a minor mistake, is afraid of making a mistake when answering in class, and when he receives a C, he suffers. There are cases when such children dropped out of school altogether.

Parents and children will learn how to do homework correctly by watching another video lesson on the “I am a Parent” portal. Child psychologist Ekaterina Tsukanova gives advice.

Is it worth treating the disease?

There is nothing wrong with a child or adult striving to achieve their goals and improve their life. It’s another matter when these aspirations develop into obsessive states and turn into pathology. This can undermine a person’s emotional health, causing serious mental disorders. In this case, you need to look for ways to get rid of the excellent student complex. Otherwise, the consequences can be destructive for the individual.

Causes

Psychologists are unanimous in their opinion that all the reasons for the development of excellent student syndrome should be sought in childhood. The most common are:

• excessive demands from parents and teachers;
• compensation for parental failures;
• lack of attention, indifference on the part of adults, lack of parental love;
• self-doubt, low self-esteem;
• constant comparisons with other children;
• psychogenic nature: unstable psyche, frequent depression, fears, feelings of anxiety over time develop into a syndrome;
• the presence of excellent student syndrome or perfectionism in parents (raising the child in their own image and likeness);
• the attitude that love must be earned: by high marks, good deeds, perfectly completed tasks;
• frequent conflicts with parents;
• feeling of constant loneliness.

In 90% of cases, the parents are to blame for the child developing excellent student syndrome.

How does the syndrome interfere in adult life?

Obsessing over little things, depending on the opinions of others, striving to meet their expectations, overreacting to criticism - all these manifestations of the excellent student syndrome complicate a person’s life, provoking problems in various areas:

• At work, a person with excellent student syndrome finds it difficult to tolerate the successes of his colleagues and tries to overcome them in everything that aggravates relationships in the team. The boss may set such an executive employee as an example to others, thereby causing a negative attitude towards him. Employees do not like such “upstarts” and often discuss them behind their backs.

Individuals with excellent student syndrome are not capable of creativity. It is easier for them to carry out monotonous tasks within established limits - all for the sake of approval from their superiors. They are able to sacrifice their personal time, staying at work longer than anyone else, but this is done not so much for the sake of achieving a goal, but for the sake of encouragement and recognition.

• In personal life, the excellent student complex manifests itself more often in women. They are sure that a stunning appearance, the ability to cook deliciously, satisfy a man in bed, keep the house in perfect order and earn more than their husband - only these qualities make them the best wives worthy of love.

Consequences in adulthood

Excellent student syndrome in adults, which appears in childhood, can cause serious problems in adulthood. Let's look at what exactly can happen.

1. At work. It will be very difficult for such a person to see more successful people next to him. He will try his best to earn the approval of his boss. For this reason, he will stop sleeping, resting - all for the sake of “a catchphrase.” And when this happens and they begin to extol him over his employees, his colleagues will react sharply, begin to discuss him behind his back and, to put it mildly, hate him. Such people are most often able to perform monotonous work according to a given algorithm, rather than creative and creative tasks.
2. On a personal level. In this regard, the syndrome is especially acute in women. The girl will try to become perfect, she will want to learn how to cook better than the guy’s mother, she will clean the apartment several times a day so that her beloved can see what kind of housewife she is. But when a young man takes all this for granted and does not praise the girl, a scandal is inevitable. After all, she tried so hard, all so that he could express his admiration. Naturally, not every guy will tolerate such an attitude towards his person, and most often he will simply break off the tense relationship, and the girl will be left alone with her syndrome.
3. Raising kids. Such parents are extremely demanding of their offspring. They want their child to be perfect, the smartest, strongest and most beautiful. A father or mother with the syndrome enrolls the child in several clubs at once, language classes, and sports clubs, because the child must succeed in everything. Parents react extremely sharply to their offspring’s poor performance, and do not listen at all to the child’s opinion if he does not want to attend one or another club. Because of their total control and constant busyness at work, where they need to be the best, they do not devote any time to communicating with the baby, are not interested in his experiences and fears, and do not provide support. Children with a strong psyche, when they get older, organize serious protests and begin to do everything in defiance, which sometimes leads to the most dire consequences and serious manifestations. Children with a weak psyche will simply begin to imitate the will of their parents, and over time they themselves will acquire this syndrome.
4. Relationships in society. It is extremely difficult for them to create a social circle and find friends. After all, their essence is to constantly compete with the strong, trying to surpass them, and criticize the weak, showing their superiority. Therefore, such people’s friends do not last long. And new acquaintances are considered successful mainly in cases when a really weak person who completely agrees with this definition becomes a friend.

When you meet an “excellent student,” you will hear many flattering words about yourself, indicating his success. And, if you decide to make a remark or say that achievements are not significant and are worthless, you will see a painful reaction and strong resentment.

Ways to get rid of the syndrome

If you feel that your life has reached a dead end, and relationships have only a negative connotation, you can fix everything and get rid of the excellent student syndrome. What should be done for this? Decide whether you need the help of a specialist or if you can handle it on your own. Perhaps it will be enough to visit a psychologist. If the problem is deeper, you may need to consult a psychotherapist. The fight against the excellent student complex includes the following options:

1. Communication with a psychologist will help you set your priorities correctly. A person will begin to realize that the desire to be perfect in everything spoils life, and does not improve it. In the process of communication, you can learn to increase self-esteem, get rid of dependence on the approval of others and free yourself from the excellent student syndrome.
2. Allow yourself to make mistakes, not to be perfect in all life situations. Learn to do some things less than perfectly: not wash all the dishes, leaving some for later. When putting all the items in their places on the table or shelves, “forget” something: carelessly leave a piece of paper in the middle of the table or put a T-shirt with your underwear.

This kind of “clutter” will help you loosen the grip of perfectionism and the excellent student complex. You will notice that nothing has worsened in your life: people’s attitude towards you has not changed, your daily routine has not been disrupted, your abilities and skills have not undergone catastrophic changes. Gradually, you can move from small “violations of order” to larger ones. This will make you more independent from the opinions of others, give you a feeling of freedom from internal restrictions and relieve you of the excellent student syndrome.

1. Don't compare yourself to other people. No one will repeat your path; everyone has their own experience, environment, upbringing, abilities, inclinations. There are no absolutely identical people, therefore comparing yourself with anyone other than yourself is unjustified and meaningless.
2. Realize that no one expects you to be perfect. Don't attribute to people what they don't really think. Based on this, you should not expect constant approval of your actions from others.
3. Ask your loved ones for help: introduce in the family the useful habit of often hugging each other for no reason, praising each other without reference to any actions. That is, to make it clear that you (and you) love each other just like that, and not for any special merits. This method helps very well in the fight against excellent student syndrome.
4. Do something extraordinary in your eyes at least once a week to release real emotions. Regularly set aside time for relaxation: completely abandon all worries, occupying your time with entertainment: going to the cinema, chatting with friends or relatives, visiting a water park and other entertainment venues.
5. When faced with criticism of your actions, you must remember that this is the opinion of an individual person. Try to look at the criticism from the outside, how objective it is, and if so, what benefit can you take from it. Do not perceive criticism as an attempt to humiliate or insult your dignity or abilities. This misperception stems from an excellent student complex.
6. Invent a hobby or start a new business. And don’t expect others to reward you for the results of your work. Do what you want for the sake of the process itself. To derive pleasure not from the result, but from the “doing” itself. Let not everything work out and not look perfect, the goal is not to win over others, not to be superior and have an excellent student complex, but to have fun.
7. Allow life to take its course: influence what you can influence, and let go of situations that you cannot influence.

What can excellent student syndrome lead to?

The ability to judge your work, accept criticism, and make mistakes are important skills. If a person does not have them, at some point he may stop developing and doing anything at all, so as not to be worse than others.

Often it is not possible to cope with the problem on your own. To find the root cause and eliminate it, you should contact a specialist.

Someone, after serious tests or exams, ends up in the hospital from nervous overstrain. The feeling that your whole life depends on grades leads to disastrous consequences. Many are waiting for lost years of life and a destroyed psyche. With age, this can lead to various addictions.

Examples of excellent student syndrome

1. Katya is in seventh grade at a secondary school. She also goes to music, drawing, gymnastics and dancing. She has no free time at all. She tries to achieve high results in everything, because her mother really loves it when Katya brings home certificates and medals. Once Katya took second place in a dance competition. Mom said that this result is worth nothing. Katya was so upset that she got sick and went to the hospital. In the future, Katya will grow into a woman who will not be able to tolerate any of her own mistakes at work.
2. Vanya went to group music lessons. He wants to learn to play the guitar. The guys who have been in the group for several months can do much more than him, which is logical. Vanya cannot stand that he is the weakest in the group. After two weeks, Vanya quit classes, although playing an instrument was his long-time dream.
3. Maxim always studied well, but his dad did not believe in him and said that he would not achieve anything. When the boy grew up, he entered one of the best universities in the country, from which he graduated with honors. Then he was hired for a good job, where he stays until the evening and copes with all tasks perfectly. But dad still thinks that his son could do a better job. Maxim's life is focused on proving to his dad that he is capable. Any mistake is perceived as a failure and a step back.

Prognosis and prevention

Is an excellent student complex always a bad thing? First of all, you need to understand how much the desire for leadership and developing the skill of “success” in all areas prevails over common sense. If it doesn’t become painful, such aspirations can give strength, motivate, and be an impetus for great achievements.

If a person lives only with these aspirations, with a manic need to be the best in everything and to overcome everyone, it is worth urgently addressing the problem of the excellent student complex. Since in this situation a person’s life and personality are in a destructive stage. He ceases to feel needed and plunges into deep depression. In the end, everything can end very badly: taking your own life. The best prevention of a problem is its complete absence. Parents need to think about the methods of raising a child, their expectations towards him, and the consequences of their actions. The excellent student syndrome can latently ripen in a child from whom impeccability and perfection are expected.

In an adult, preventing an excellent student complex can be a constant reminder to yourself that life is beautiful in all its manifestations, even if victories are not always achievable and mistakes are made. Another great way to get rid of the excellent student syndrome is to develop the ability to laugh at yourself and trust in life through the ability to let things take their course from time to time.

Excellent student syndrome and perfectionism. What is the difference?

Many people believe that excellent student syndrome and perfectionism are one and the same. In many ways, these states are indeed similar, but they cannot be called completely identical due to several important differences.

Advice from psychologists

It is necessary to fight the excellent student syndrome when it interferes with living, building interpersonal relationships, starting a family or raising children. The main thing is that in this case everything is done without fanaticism.

There are also positive aspects to the excellent student syndrome (excellent student complex) - it can be used to achieve goals. Not someone else's, but yours. When you achieve what you are striving for, it is not the assessment and approval of others that should be important to you, but who you became in the process of achieving it and what peaks you were able to conquer.

Methods of disposal

Communicating with family and showing mutual love can help cope with overachiever syndrome

Psychology, professional consultation with a specialist can come to the rescue in this matter, or you can try to cope on your own. The following methods may be effective.

1. You need to divide things according to their importance. First of all, do what needs to be done urgently. If you don’t have time, for example, to wash the kitchen floor, it won’t be the end of the world.
2. It is very important to set aside time for rest. Good sleep and nutrition are of great importance.
3. Try to stand in front of a mirror and praise yourself for your strengths. But not for victories that were won through hard work.
4. Introduce family rules requiring daily hugs and praise without taking into account any achievements. It is very important to convey to a person with this syndrome that he is already the best, he is loved very much.
5. You can try to give free rein to the extreme. Go on amusement rides or a rope park.
6. We need to start a new business. Decide on a hobby. Be prepared for some setbacks. After all, we are all human and this cannot be avoided. It is important to wait out this moment and understand that there is nothing wrong with making mistakes and not being superior to other people.
7. Pay attention to creative self-development. This is especially true for drawing. Thanks to creativity, you will be able to relax and begin to express your emotions with the help of a brush.
8. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, try to go against the rules.
9. If you see that an “excellent” student is starting to worry and is very worried, then at such moments it is necessary to support him.
10. Try to completely change your appearance. This could be changes in hairstyle, hair color for women, or fashionable clothes.
11. Communication with a psychologist. The specialist will explain what is more important, how to plan your day and set priorities. He will tell you how much a person with the syndrome aggravates his life, complicating it. The doctor will teach you how to get rid of the fear of communicating with others. You can go to sessions either individually or with your family.

Now you know that no one is immune to getting the syndrome of an excellent student or excellent student. You must understand that adult life was preceded by similar behavior in childhood. If you yourself have a small child, do everything to prevent the development of such a complex.