How friendships change as we grow older
As a child, we are friends mainly with children from our class or neighbors. At this time there are still no special interests, intimate conversations and intimacy. Children share Friendships and Adaptation Across the Life Span games and activities, learn to empathize with others and come together to achieve a common goal.
In adolescence (13–19 years old), we keep some of our friends from school and make new ones. At this time, close peers partially replace our parents. Mental closeness and mutual support appear, we learn to open up to another person, trust him and understand what he wants. Friendship also prepares teenagers to become couples.
In youth (19–30 years old), social connections reach their peak.
We lose some of our friends, but the broken contacts are more than replenished with new ones. Fellow students, first colleagues, partners, their friends and acquaintances - the circle of friends is wide and varied.
And now, after 30 years, our connections are slowly beginning to evaporate. Teenagers spend 29% of their waking hours with friends, but in middle age this figure drops to a measly 7%.
By the age of 65, 12–22% of people remain without friends at all. And although pensioners have much more time for communication, many simply no longer have anyone to communicate with. Old connections are lost, and it is difficult to make new ones.
What if the problem is deeper?
Why don’t they want to communicate with me if the main problems have been resolved? Things are much more complicated when the problem with communication is associated with psychological complexes. First of all, it is an inferiority complex. There is only one way out, to realize that you are an exceptional person, thereby increasing your self-esteem and simply learning to love yourself. However, this process takes a lot of time; most likely, you will have to seek help not only from specialized literature, but also undergo some training or get advice from a specialist. But you will never regret the time and money spent, because self-development is quite an exciting activity, it is a process that can change a person literally beyond recognition. Friendship is work, it is mutual obligations, something more than simple friendships. Some people have a problem such as the fear of taking on this responsibility or the fear of being deceived or betrayed by another person. People are afraid to take risks, don't trust anyone around them, and can't open up to another person the way friendship requires. Therefore, the question of why people don’t want to communicate with me is a very pressing one. The ability to build healthy relationships with others is one of the most important tasks of a person.
Why do you lose friends as you get older?
There are several reasons why adults stop actively making new contacts and lose friendships.
The needs and goals of communication change
Teenagers and young adults think Social Network Changes and Life Events Across the Life Span: A Meta-Analysis that they will live forever. At this time, collecting information about the world is a priority, and a variety of social contacts are best suited for this purpose. Young people communicate with everyone, easily make acquaintances and strive to become peers.
With age, the picture changes. People realize that life is finite and they should spend it on something pleasant. The number of friends begins to decline: only those who provide emotional closeness and warmth remain. The rest are mercilessly expelled from the social circle.
Priorities shift to family
At first, marriage expands Friendships in Young and Middle Adulthood circle of friends: people become closer to friends and relatives of their spouses. However, over time, priorities shift to family. The spouse provides the person with what he previously received from friends: he becomes an entertainment partner, satisfies emotional needs - gives support and consolation, helps mentally and physically.
With the birth of children, this effect only increases. A small child takes a lot of time, the range of interests changes greatly, especially when compared with childless friends. Often people become isolated in their family, and friendships naturally fall away.
No time left for communication
Like marriage, going to work can increase the number of friends you have. People often communicate with those who are similar to them in some way: they share a view of the world, have similar interests and social status.
The probability of meeting such a person at work is quite high. Social Network Changes and Life Events Across the Life Span: A Meta-Analysis.
At the same time, old friends gradually disappear due to lack of time and the growing gap in interests and status.
Life circumstances interfere
In 68% of cases, friendships in midlife end accidentally, due to circumstances Friendship in Later Life: A Research Agenda, such as moving. Only 25% of people intentionally leave a relationship, usually due to betrayal.
Such circumstances also include accidents: the death of a sibling, spouse or child. After traumatic events, connections with friends may weaken due to grief and reluctance to maintain contact.
A series of circumstances and lack of time leave us without close friends. This is natural, but there is nothing good about it. After all, a person needs friendship no less than healthy sleep and exercise.
Physical and mental exhaustion
Excessive workloads and lack of pleasure from work often lead to loss of vitality and deep fatigue. Working hard, every person unconsciously wants to receive in return something that will bring him moral satisfaction. If a business in which you had to invest a lot of energy and labor ultimately does not live up to expectations, after physical exhaustion comes moral exhaustion.
“I don’t want to communicate with friends, go to work and think about the future” - this is a typical behavior pattern for patients with apathy. The duration of treatment depends on the person. Therapy will be long and exhausting if he cannot find a suitable stimulus.
Fatigue is the main enemy of a good mood, positive thoughts and self-confidence. If it becomes chronic, burnout is inevitable. Apathy does not occur where there are no compelling reasons for it, so it is extremely important for people prone to psychotic disorders to avoid stressful situations, not allow themselves to get involved in conflicts and emotional distress.
Why friendship is needed at any age
From childhood, friendship determines our health and well-being. Children and teenagers who have friends are more interested in learning and do better in school subjects than lonely children. Emotional closeness with peers increases self-confidence and reduces the risk of depression.
In middle age, friendship still means a lot to a person. And although relationships with a spouse have a stronger impact on psychological health, connections with friends come right after them and turn out to be more important than communication with relatives.
In old age, close relationships and social support help Trajectories of cognitive decline and social relations preserve cognitive functions, while social isolation, on the contrary, worsens health and quality of life.
This was confirmed by the Grant Study, a 75-year large-scale study. What does it take to live a good life? Lessons from the longest study on the happiness of life of more than seven hundred men from different social classes, trying to understand what really makes people happy and healthy.
It turned out that those who have strong connections with family, friends and their community live happily and retain good health and memory longer than those who are lonely or dissatisfied with their relationships.
Try not to lose friends: loneliness kills.
How to stop talking to your ex-partner
Trying to maintain a good relationship with your ex-boyfriend is a futile idea that threatens negative consequences, so it is better to focus on ways to stop communicating. The jealousy of the new chosen one is far from the only trouble that you will have to face while continuing to answer calls and messages from your ex-lover.
Regardless of who initiated the breakup, some former partners are characterized by inappropriate behavior, including attempts to exert psychological pressure, blackmail, and manipulation. Close relationships require openness and trust. Partners usually know intimate details about each other that are not customary to share with random, unfamiliar people.
This is why you shouldn't talk to your ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Such communication is often associated with awkward moments and situations. There are other reasons not to maintain a broken connection. If you continue to communicate with your ex-boyfriend, you may have doubts about the right decision to break up, despite the fact that you were forced to end the relationship for good reasons, such as cheating, lack of attention or misunderstanding.
Sooner or later, the same reasons will force you to break the connection again and again experience painful, unpleasant sensations. The best way to break up is to talk, state the essence, reasons and arguments. During a personal meeting, you need to openly explain yourself and argue your position.
Men who are abandoned always take the news sharply and painfully. They try to dissuade their beloved from this step, claiming that she is making a fatal mistake. The main thing in such a situation is to withstand the onslaught and not give up positions. Basic principles of the decisive meeting:
- Don't blame or make your partner look bad.
- Prepare for the meeting, rehearse your speech.
- Avoid memories of romantic, happy moments.
- Choose neutral territory that is not associated with pleasant memories.
After a breakup, psychologists recommend changing your social circle so that nothing connects you with the past. Stopping communication with a former partner on the Internet is organized using available tools. In the personal profile settings of any social network, there is a “block” button, which stops access to personal data on your page.
How not to be alone
The only way to improve anything in any area of life is to devote time to it. And friendship is no exception.
Maintain old relationships
Friendship is not static Friendship in Later Life: A Research Agenda: it is formed, maintained and dissolved. At any point in life, intimacy between people can increase, decrease, or remain unchanged, and what level your relationship will be at depends on the investment.
Meet with friends, call them, take an interest in their lives. Try doing something together that is important to both of you. For example, run together in the morning, go to the movies on weekends, do something good, or just get together for a cup of coffee once a week, but - definitely! - no omissions.
Change the environment to create new connections
The theory of Social Network Changes and Life Events Across the Life Span: A Meta-Analysis of a social convoy states: throughout our lives we are accompanied by a group of people that changes depending on circumstances. Every change in environment can give you new friends in the future.
Start a new hobby: sign up for a master class, go to group classes at the gym, find communities of interest in your city. You can find a friend at any age, and the older you get, the more meaningful and deeper the new relationship will be.
Ways to end a friendly conversation
To stop communicating with a friend without unnecessary conflicts and omissions, it is better to resort to such a technique as a frank dialogue, where you justify your position on this issue in detail and logically. It is important to realize the necessity and inevitability of this step in order to eliminate doubts and uncertainty in the decision made. Then it will be easier to express your thoughts when you meet.
In the case of a frank conversation, there is an important advantage - your friend still has the opportunity to understand the motives of your action and draw appropriate conclusions. If he has sincere, warm feelings for you, disagreements and discomfort in communication can be overcome. To find out how to stop communicating with a person, it is better to familiarize yourself with the recommendations of psychologists:
- Ignoring. Avoid any contact, including telephone conversations and personal meetings. If you have mutual acquaintances, it is better not to attend group events for some time, where you might accidentally run into a former friend.
- Unavailability. If you are forced to meet every day with a person with whom you want to end a relationship, for example, in the office, at school, in the entrance of a house, try to limit the conversation to general, meaningless, short phrases. When asked about plans, answer that you are busy. Don't share your thoughts with this person. If you work together, the content of conversations should not go beyond the scope of work processes.
- Decency. After the relationship ends, do not discuss your ex with colleagues, mutual acquaintances, or other people. If you find out that an ex-friend is spreading gossip about you or making unflattering comments about you, try not to react to such comments, even if they hurt you. Your ex-friend is offended by your coldness, which is reflected in his actions and behavior.
- Politeness. If you have to talk to an ex-friend, remain polite and tactful. Good manners and courtesy do not oblige you to anything, but show you as a well-mannered and adequate person.
To stop communicating with a person without offending him, it is better to choose tactful methods, such as transparent hints and unambiguous signs. For example, the number of dialogues in an Internet messenger can be reduced to a minimum if you warn the unwanted interlocutor that you cannot maintain personal correspondence during the working day. This distracts from the performance of official duties and is a reason for dissatisfaction with the boss.
External factors
I want to start with external reasons why people may not want to communicate with you.
There was a boy at our school who always smelled bad. His classmates avoided him, the girls made fun of him, and no one wanted to sit next to him in class. Yes, children are cruel, no one could directly tell him that he smelled bad. But even in adult life, people are unlikely to approach you with such a phrase. Meanwhile, smell plays a very important role in communication.
If a person smells strongly of garlic, onions or other aromas, then it becomes impossible to stand next to him, especially in the heat.
Start with your appearance. Look around, look in the mirror. Many people find it unpleasant to communicate with unkempt and sloppy people. Dirty, bitten nails, shoes covered in lumps of dirt, clothes with holes, a dirty head. All this is repulsive.
If you notice that people try to avoid you and don't get too close, then I recommend starting with your appearance. Look at yourself from the outside. After all, all this can be put in order, get rid of unpleasant odors, repair clothes, bring nails and hair into proper shape.
Don't get upset and don't lose your temper. There is no such situation from which there would be no way out. Especially in appearance. We'll fix everything!
