Are you tired of making concessions to people who, using cunning tricks, convince you to abandon previously made decisions? Do you feel that your environment is twisting ropes out of you, taking advantage of your kindness and cleverly pressing on your feelings of guilt? It's time to fight back against offenders by learning to defend your vested interests. 10 psychological techniques that will help you get out of the trap and resist the manipulator. It's time to say no to blackmail, pressure and doubts about your right to a better life.
How to resist a manipulator?
Answer the question: who are you?
The main problem of overly compliant people is an absolute lack of understanding of who they are, what is their priority in life, what principles are they willing to give up? Once you decide on all of the above, you will stop falling for other people's tricks. Understand, altruism must have a goal, you must understand what you are willing to sacrifice? If friendship is more important to you than love, follow the lead of your comrades with a light heart and prepare for a quarrel with your spouse. If your career comes first, you can safely stay late, sacrificing your family and health. But now you need to make a choice: to whom do you say “yes” and to whom do you say “no”. You can't be good to everyone.
The boss is a manipulator - why you?
The manipulator gains the upper hand thanks to a certain technique of influencing the victim with feelings of fear, guilt, and remorse. Such internal self-flagellation leads to emotional devastation, the desire to heal deep wounds by leaving this world.
Manipulators can be everywhere; the hardest place to resist them is in the family and at work. Such a game of creating negative emotions affects a person’s self-esteem and deprives him of both material (money, time) and energy resources (life).
Why you? Most manipulation techniques lead to violation of logical structures.
When Alice from L. Carroll's famous fairy tale found herself in an unfamiliar country, she became an ideal victim for manipulation, because she had no idea what was happening.
When a manipulative boss gets to know the team, he immediately determines with whom he can behave in a suppressive manner. A victim is an insecure person who is unable to resist the manifestations of other people, the state, or external circumstances.
Deprive the manipulator of power
Other people have power over us exactly as long as we ourselves allow it to them, accepting their gifts, care, help in business, agreeing with their authority. Deprive the manipulator of his trump cards - return gifts, solve problems yourself, find support from third parties - and then you won’t have to feel like an eternal debtor, agreeing to unfavorable conditions. A person will not be able to pull strings that he does not have. True, you will have to grow up, taking responsibility for a lot. Think for yourself, how much are you willing to pay for your freedom?
Nip generalization in the bud
A favorite tactic of manipulators is to take words out of context, inflate the situation to the size of an elephant, and then poke the person under the nose. You didn’t call your mother once, forgot to send a document to your boss, returned from a party later than usual - and you were immediately presented with accusations as if you always act this way (you don’t appreciate, don’t love, don’t care about all your responsibilities, you’re an unreliable and bad person). The play is designed to make you feel guilty. Don't be fooled! Encourage the person not to exaggerate the situation and base his conclusions on real facts. This is a surefire way to resist a manipulator.
Work days
If your boss manipulates your colleagues, then you need to know how to work with him so as not to become a victim of the aggressor.
Rules for communicating with a manipulative boss:
- Do not react aggressively to negative job evaluation.
- Answer questions clearly, quickly, clearly, firmly, confidently, without a hint of doubt in your voice.
- Respond to criticism and accusations calmly, friendly, giving undeniable arguments.
- Learn to find positive aspects in critical situations, thereby reassuring your boss and colleagues.
- Do not use ironic or sarcastic expressions in conversation (this is like a red rag to a bull).
- Change the topic of conversation or ignore the words of the manipulator.
- You can agree with the aggressor’s words, and then ask a clarifying question, making him think.
- Taking a pause in your dialogue with your boss will help you calm down and find the right answer.
- It is important to learn to stand up for your rights without violating the rights of others.
- Sometimes you can pretend to be a more stupid person than you really are (as in the fairy tale about Ivanushka and Baba Yaga, who ended up in the oven instead of him).
- Maintain subordination, building constructive relationships with the boss and subordinates.
To destroy manipulation, you need to be aware that such situations are created on purpose. The best way to fight is to behave unpredictably, destroying the expected scenario like a house of cards.
To equip yourself in dealing with the “puppeteer,” it is recommended to study special literature, for example, M. Litvak’s “Psychological Aikido,” where different tactics of behavior with a manipulator are described using real-life examples.
Knowing how to resist a manipulative boss, it will be easier to communicate in a team, build fruitful relationships with superiors, avoiding emotional exhaustion and moral decline. It is important to remain calm when dealing with the aggressor, thus putting him at a dead end and eliminating the possibility of controlling the individual.
10 best ways to improve your relationship with your boss at work
Don't be afraid to counterattack
Manipulators are used to driving people into corners. Don't be a victim; you have the power to change the rules of the game by going on a counteroffensive. How much longer must you endure injustice? Ask the aggressor: “Why do we always do what only benefits you? What about my own interests? “This is the 10th time you’ve asked me for a favor, but when have you ever done something for me? Maybe it’s your turn to do my job?” Don’t be afraid to change roles, this will show the absurdity of the demands placed on you and scare off the hypocrite.
Watch on YouTube: How many missed moments have accumulated?
Refer to situation analysis
Are your parents accusing you of being selfish by forcing you to spend the weekend with them? Does your boss insist that you are a terrible employee, so you have to write someone else’s report? Stop and think how true are the words you heard? If that week you visited your mother three times, gave her pocket money, took her to the doctor - what kind of selfishness are we talking about? This is a banal manipulation. If you are responsible for all the sales of the department, if not a single transaction is made without your approval, then you are not such a useless employee. Analyze and share your observations out loud, do not fall for outright blackmail.
Habitual behavior of the manipulator
To know what to do with the “boss-puppeteer”, you need to study the rules of his behavior in society, among colleagues.
- Manipulators are always in the center of what is happening, focusing their attention on narcissism.
- Such a manager often changes his opinion: if in the morning he says one thing, then in the evening he says something else. The point is to confuse subordinates in order to morally punish them later, violating the psychological climate in the team.
- Manipulators love to set one against the other, getting away with it. The goal is for fun, to replenish energy balance, or for one’s own benefit (money, time).
- A common “puppeteer” technique is to make an order for a third party in his own presence in order to avoid refusal. He is not interested in the circumstances and intentions of the one who will carry out the “order”.
Recruiting agent researchers claim that you can identify a manipulative boss during an interview. You should pay attention to your own internal state (discomfort in the stomach), the imposition of inadequate rules of the game by the manager (delays in the office, work on weekends), deliberately prolonging the conversation with chatter.
And the founders of the Christian-Buddhist movement are confident that it is fear (cowardice) that is the cause of people’s aggressive and manipulative behavior, lack of a sense of self-sufficiency, self-confidence, love and joy in life.
Use the “sticky record” technique
Is your interlocutor starving you out, pressuring you with constant requests or fictitious “shoulds”? Repeat the refusal as many times as necessary, with one addition - do not include any emotions. Imagine that you are a robot who echoes an aggressive client: “The operation is not available, we will call you back.” Become this robot and say “no” in a variety of variations: “I don’t like this topic,” “I already told you no,” “we closed this issue two years ago.” What should it look like? “I thought you wanted this yourself. - Don't make things up. “But I put so much into it, don’t you feel sorry for my efforts?” - Don't make things up. “How can you be so heartless, you don’t value me!” “Don’t make things up.”
Keep your distance
To disarm the victim, many manipulators resort to cunning - they invade a person’s personal space, forcing him to experience discomfort and make concessions. How do they do it? Accompany the request with a touch of the hand, share candy or give a friendly pat on the shoulder. To avoid falling under their hypnotic spell, try to step away. The further the better! You can literally refer to urgent matters, promising to return to the issue later. Then consider the refusal and send it via email or call back. This way there will be no physical contact, and therefore no other people’s influence.
How to avoid falling for a manipulator's tricks
Kind, trusting, naive and impressionable individuals are easily manipulated. They believe everyone unconditionally, have an altruistic approach to life, and depend on the opinions of others.
To overcome the manipulation of your boss and colleagues, it is enough not to enter the aggressor’s field, learn to keep your mouth shut (stop posting personal information during office “graters”).
You should not flaunt both your strengths and weaknesses. The less a manipulator knows about a person, the more difficult it will be for him to find the reasons for the psychological impact on him.
Traps in dealing with an office manipulator:
- The manipulator tries his best to gain the trust of his opponent, and then asks for the fulfillment of certain requests. It’s difficult to refuse, but it’s painful to carry out.
- Imposing a certain model of behavior, using such expressions as “you are the best in this field”, “you know how important this is to me and there is no way I can cope without you”, “this is how we do it…”.
- An attempt to turn a person against a co-worker - or, conversely, the use of flattering persuasion to make contact with a business partner. It is important to ignore such a proposal in order to avoid the reputation of a gossip and so on.
- An attempt to make the opponent an accomplice in “black” fraud.
- Playing on vanity - imposing the role of an ideal employee, everyone's favorite and the best worker. In such a situation, it is difficult not to live up to expectations!
Also, a manipulative boss can use a humiliation strategy, lowering the employee’s competence in front of his colleagues, openly calling him out for rudeness. The main thing is to remain calm and not give in to emotions.
Prepare an escape plan
It’s one thing when the manipulator is a stranger, and quite another thing if it’s your spouse, relative or boss to whom you are subordinate. Just “I don’t want” will not get you off here, especially if the aggressor knows your weaknesses well, has power over you, and his threat is not an empty phrase. When standing up for interests threatens the loss of money, work or family, it’s time to think about how much you have to lose? Maybe it's time to look for another place for self-realization or another relationship in which no one will offend you? Consider a retreat plan, seek support from family and friends, and don’t focus on just one option. Otherwise, you will live your whole life as a patient.
Criticism and condemnation
Don’t react to criticism, but at the same time don’t do the same to other people. If they are once again trying to judge you, commenting on your actions in a negative way, then the best option would be to ask your interlocutor how he would behave or what he should do in a given situation. Such questions most often disarm the opponent, he softens and the conversation moves into a more peaceful direction. Now this will no longer be criticism, but a sincere conversation in which the interlocutor will try to give you advice. What you do next is completely your own business.
Reveal your cards: say your observations out loud
If you have long ago figured out the offender, you can try to leave the game by telling the person that his intentions have been revealed. This step takes courage, but it is effective. Just say: “You accuse me of selfishness because you don’t want to lose your influence, you’re afraid of being unwanted.” “Your threat is an attempt to tie me more tightly, you are not confident in yourself and think that I will find someone better...” The main thing at this moment is to radiate calm and confidence, to be above the situation. As soon as you feel that you have been touched, know that the manipulator has already gained power over you, you are on his hook.
Manipulation is everywhere...
Most often, we are not talking about strangers, but about people close to you: these are your friends, family members, children, bosses, co-workers. Those. people you interact with on a daily basis.
During the manipulation process, a person feels guilt, awkwardness, and the feeling that he is being deceived.
Manipulators never persuade or ask. But they say something like that, and you begin to do what this person needs. Manipulators have many techniques for influencing. And the first thing they need is to hook you. To do this, the manipulator must be an excellent psychologist or simply know you well: your weaknesses, your fears, what you can be caught in (pity, guilt, responsibility, flattery, recognition, pride, glory).
For example, how can you distinguish between hidden manipulation, when a person flatters you to get something from you, and sincere admiration? It’s very simple - it’s your feelings. When admiration is sincere, you experience joy, delight, and nothing negative is mixed into this feeling (a feeling of awkwardness, embarrassment). The spoken words also matter: a manipulator with flattery will never say words of gratitude. Those. he who flatters does not thank. And he doesn’t say the words “thank you” or “grateful”.
Examples:
- Sincere gratitude: “Thank you for coming last weekend and helping me at the dacha. This was a big help for me. I'm very grateful to you." How will you feel? Joy happiness. There will be no bad taste, no obligations.
- Manipulation: “You helped me last weekend - that was great. You always help me. And now I have so many things to do at the dacha that I don’t know how I’ll cope with them. There is only one hope for you." How will you feel? Guilt.
Why do people manipulate others when you can directly ask for something? Often their pride does not allow them, or they are simply not taught to ask for help.
One of the most common manipulations is when a wife manipulates her husband (a woman manipulates her partner). “What a beautiful dress in the store! If only it would look beautiful on me!” How will a man feel after this phrase? Will it be a pleasant feeling? No, he will feel irritated, obligated to buy. Many men have been resistant to this kind of manipulation since childhood. A man simply may not understand what a woman wants from him. He may be ready to buy this dress, but he really doesn’t understand what they want from him.
When manipulating, you will not get gratitude from the person, because he did not ask you for anything, he manipulated you. Those. you yourself decided and did it yourself - why should I thank you?
When you are asked for something and you experience a feeling of guilt, fear, embarrassment, or another negative feeling - you are being manipulated!
