Why is it bad to apologize all the time?
The habit of apologizing for every mistake, even an insignificant one, and sometimes for something for which the apologizer is not to blame, interferes with building a normal dialogue - the interlocutor has to endlessly assure that everything is in order and there is no need to apologize, and such a need quickly begins to tire. The manner of constantly apologizing creates alienation during communication and does not allow you to establish close contact with the interlocutor. For someone who likes to apologize, his own habit has a negative impact also because by his behavior he discredits himself in advance in the eyes of others, allowing him to “shift” all the blame if something happens. There is also no need to talk about any authority or respect - no one perceives an endlessly apologetic person as a person to be reckoned with.
The meaning of the word and the rules for its use in speech
In S.I. Ozhegov’s explanatory dictionary, the word “I apologize” is explained as “The same as excuse(s) (see excuse in 3 meanings) (colloquial).”
- Sorry). An expression of regret for the concern or inconvenience caused, as well as a form of politeness when asking or asking a question. Sorry, I accidentally pushed you. Sorry, let me pass. Excuse me, can you tell me what time it is? It turns out that this is just a colloquial analogue of the word “sorry.”
In explanatory dictionaries of the Russian language, for example, Ozhegov’s dictionary, the word “I apologize” has the mark colloquial. (spoken)
Why are they like this?
Most often, women suffer from the habit of constantly apologizing - we, girls, are taught from childhood to behave modestly, to be kind and tactful and... to feel guilty if we suddenly acted in a way that “good girls” “shouldn’t” do, even if for there were very good reasons for this action. The need to apologize all the time is most often associated with low self-esteem, fear of condemnation, the desire to gain the approval of others, the desire to be useful and “good” for everyone, lack of confidence in one’s own rights and strengths, and even shame for oneself. In addition, the habit of apologizing is fraught with another danger for its owner - in a situation in which a person really finds himself guilty of something, it will be difficult to mistake his apology for sincere repentance, because others have long been under the impression that he is always he simply apologizes “automatically.”
How to ask for an apology correctly
Often you sincerely want to apologize, but you don’t know how to do it correctly. They seem to have asked for forgiveness, but the offended person continues to be angry. There is definitely something you are doing, or rather, saying, wrong. A proper apology can open the door to forgiveness and spiritual healing even in the most difficult situations. Harriet Lerner, psychologist, bestselling author >. - Let's start with >. Knowing their most common traits will lay the foundation for understanding the characteristics of a successful apology.
Here are three sure-fire ways to ruin any attempt at reconciliation.
- Use the clause >. It is quite natural that any person wants to hear a sincere apology from a pure heart. When you say >, all sincerity disappears. > almost always means excuses and even completely cancels the original message, says Harriet Lerner. - What you say after > may be completely fair, but it doesn’t matter. > has already made your apology false. Thus you say: >. Keep in mind that the best apologies are short ones. There is no need to indulge in long explanations that can ruin any good intentions.
- Resort to pseudo-apologies. These are phrases like >. Keep in mind that a true apology is all about your actions, not the other person's reaction. Such a false request for forgiveness with an attempt to shift the blame onto someone else's shoulders is much worse than no apology at all. This way you only emphasize your indifference and offend the person even more. In essence, this is not an apology, but a way to evade responsibility. > is not an apology. The speaker does not accept responsibility. He considers himself right - and morally too (after all, he apologized). But in reality, he only shifted responsibility onto the offended person. What he actually said was: >. In such a situation, one should say: >.
- Say the word >. It also makes the person question his own reaction to the act that offended him. > or >, advises Harriet Lerner. — Almost every apology that begins with the words > is not an apology. It would be much better to say this: >. In addition, the words > are often perceived as condescending>>.
When trying to make amends to another person, always pay attention to such little things that can turn your > into >.
What to do?
If you find yourself apologizing too often, try these tips:
- Take a pause. As soon as you feel like asking for forgiveness, take a deep breath and analyze - did you really do something wrong? If the answer is “no,” but even after that it’s hard for you to stop apologizing, think: since it’s not your fault, why are you doing everything to make others think differently?
- Formulate it. Learn to formulate your questions without starting them with an apology. If you want to clarify something for yourself, you should not be ashamed of it - your respect for the person you want to ask a question can be expressed in other expressions that emphasize politeness, for example: “help me, please ...” or “don’t could you tell me..."
- Transform. Think about the situations in which you start to apologize most often and come up with phrases that you can use instead of apologizing.
- Empathize. You can express your concern without apologizing; find ways to show compassion and empathy without endless “sorry.” It will be much more pleasant for a person who finds himself in a difficult situation to hear that you understand him, sympathize with him and are always ready to listen.
- Give thanks. Apologies easily turn into gratitude, which makes them more pleasant to the ears of others, and their author automatically evokes sympathy. For example, instead of apologizing for inconveniencing someone, sincerely thanking them for their help will instantly turn your message from negative to positive.
Yulia Prikhodko
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Why do we constantly apologize?
Previously, the word “sorry” was used exclusively to express sincere, deep sadness or repentance, but today it is used for any minor inconvenience. Why?
People, especially women, apologize so often that developers have come up with a special app that tracks inappropriate apologies and conciliatory language in email correspondence. Just Not Sorry
(Just Don't Apologize) is the name of an app that helps you speak more directly and assertively.
This got me thinking: why do we apologize so often and is it a sign of weakness?
The word "sorry" dates back to the earliest stages of the development of the English language. Studying its history - from Old English to today - is very interesting. The fact is that previously the word “sorry” was used exclusively to express sincere, deep sadness or repentance, and today - for any minor inconvenience.
The shift occurred in the 19th century and was accompanied by a transition from the phrase “I am sorry
) to a simple “sorry”
-
the phrase became more and more formal and less personal.
The famous British publicist and writer Henry Hitchings believes that this is due to the politeness, detachment and aloofness inherent in the 19th century, as well as the emergence of the concept of “firm character” ( stiff upper lip
).
The English say the word “sorry” at least eight times a day, and sometimes up to 20.
We still use the word “sorry” to express sincere grief or compassion - “I was sorry to hear about your loss. ” of your loss
).
But its meaning has greatly weakened, and intensifying adverbs are required to express regret: “I 'm truly sorry
,” “I
'm extremely sorry
.
One of the quotes included in the Oxford English Dictionary well illustrates the problem with the current use of the word "sorry": "Well, I'm sorry," she said, although there was no regret in her voice or expression ( Well, I'm sorry ,' she said, though she didn't look sorry, or sound sorry
). That is, a person can say “sorry” without meaning it.
Apologies: Social Lubrication
Despite all its formality, the word “sorry” is a very important “social lubricant” in English-speaking societies. Imagine the scene: people are standing in line at the station for a ticket. Another person comes up and asks if he can skip the line since he’s running late for work. The easiest way is to say directly: “Let me go in front of you.
). But this sounds unacceptable to most English-speaking people. Softer, polite expressions are used more often.
Need to ask
, emphasize mutual respect and even friendship: “Hey, buddy, can I ask you to let me go ahead?
I'm terribly late." Various words are also used to prevent conflicts, softening phrases: perhaps, please, sorry ( perhaps
,
please
,
sorry
).
English-speaking people also use conditional verbs ( could/would
) and even use the past tense to add metaphorical distance to the request: “I was wondering if I could pass in front of you?”
( I was wondering, could I possibly go in front of you?
) (…)
funny old word
All these examples show how far the word “sorry” has moved away from the expression of guilt. It can be used solely as a means of “neutralizing” awkward situations. And also to complain about poor service (“Sorry, but I ordered fish”) or to defend your rights (“Sorry, but someone is sitting there”).
Cross-cultural and cross-linguistic experiments have shown that such frequent use of the word “sorry” is characteristic of the English. The only people who apologize as often are the Japanese. Statistics show that the British say the word “sorry” at least eight times a day, and sometimes up to 20.
The problem with an app that tracks apologetic speech in emails is that its creators view the word “sorry” solely as an act of contrition. They say that a person thereby reduces his status and undermines his position. But using the word “sorry” you can politely refuse an offer ( Sorry, but I'm just too busy right now
— “Sorry, but I'm too busy right now”) or ask for help (“
I'm sorry to bother you when I know you're busy
— “I'm sorry that I have to bother you when you're busy”). Take away this useful word and you might come across as rude. There are many work situations in which an email to a client or boss requires apologetic language: explaining why a report isn't ready yet, asking for a pay rise. Not using softening structures is a very risky policy. (...)
For women, asking them to imitate men's speech, thereby seeking a level playing field for themselves, is to ignore the real issues of gender inequality, which have nothing to do with the way women dress or speak. In any case, the word “sorry,” whether spoken by a man or a woman, is an integral part of our current culture. Sorry, but I don't think the app will change this in any way.
Translation
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So is it possible or not to say “I’m sorry”?
However, many, including some linguists, view this word negatively. Their explanation: when a person says “I’m sorry,” he seems to be acting impolitely, not asking the other to forgive himself, but doing it himself in advance. It turns out to be some kind of pseudo-apology, a favor. In other words, to say “I apologize” after an unsuccessful action means to commit another tactlessness, rudeness, as if to say “I, in general, am to blame, but I don’t need your forgiveness” or “I apologize to myself for the inconvenience caused to you.”
When a person says “sorry,” he is asking another to forgive him. “I apologize” seems to mean “I apologized to you, but I don’t care whether you accepted it or not .
However, it is difficult to judge the objectivity of such an explanation. Because, firstly, the word “sorry” can mean not only a request, but also an order, everything will depend on the intonation of the speaker. Whereas the word “I apologize” can be pronounced with sincere regret, and then it is unlikely that anyone will have a complaint.
A negative interpretation often comes from the object to whom the apology is offered, that is, it is not the language, not the word itself, that is to blame, but its perception by the addressee.
The variety of meanings of the suffix “-sya(s)” in Russian
As you know, the suffix “-sya(s)” in Russian has not only the meaning of an action directed at oneself (such as “wash”, “get ready”). There are many other meanings:
- The internal state of the subject, mood, experience (to rejoice).
- Action performed by the subject (roll).
- An action that is constantly inherent in the subject (nettle stings).
- An action performed by several persons at once (meet).
- An action that a subject performs in his own interests (stock up).
- Completeness, exhaustion of the manifestation of an action, satisfaction with it (get enough sleep, go for a walk).
In Russian, the suffixes “-sya” and “-sya” are not at all unambiguous - they can give the verb different shades of meaning
In this regard, some experts treat the word “I apologize” quite normally, justifying this by the fact that the suffix “-sya” in it is not at all equivalent to the reflexive pronoun “myself”.
Question: My Russian language teacher once said that the word sorry does not exist in the Russian language, because a person cannot forgive himself. What about the word swear? I’m not scolding myself, but I’m arguing with someone. It turns out that it is not correct? Daniela, Riga, student.
The question was answered by Anton Somin, graduate student and teacher at the Institute of Linguistics of the Russian State University for the Humanities: Answer: Dear Daniela!
You are absolutely correct in noticing that the postfix -sya has several different meanings in Russian. 1) One of them, perhaps the main one, is an action directed at oneself (i.e., at the speaker): dressing ≈ dressing oneself, washing ≈ washing oneself. This is the meaning of the reflexive voice (usually called reflexive in scientific texts). But we also see other meanings, as, for example, in verbs like swear. And indeed, cursing does not mean “scolding yourself”; if a dog bites, this does not mean that it bites itself; when a fish is fried in a frying pan, it does not fry itself; if Mark Zuckerberg’s fortune is estimated at $17.5 billion, it does not mean that the money counted itself, and when people kiss or hug, they kiss and hug each other, and not themselves. What meanings of the postfix -sya do we see here?...
As we can now see, in the verb to apologize, the postfix -sya can mean not that we are excusing ourselves, but something else.
https://www.lingling.ru/useful/expert.php?ELEMENT_ID=1447
What can an apology hide?
But it's not that simple. It is clear that when apologizing, a person wants, for example, to avoid conflict or to calm down his inner trembling, his anxiety. But sometimes there is internal passive aggression hidden in apologies. When annoyance, disappointment, pain take the form of an apology. But since the person cannot do anything about the situation, he apologizes.
Someone will say: “Yes, it’s the same thing, the one asking for forgiveness is simply avoiding conflict.” Yes, this is partly true, but only half, because emotionally the situation is different. It’s one thing when a person is afraid, therefore he worries and apologizes, and another when he is annoyed, he is disappointed, but he does not feel fear and apologizes in order to end the situation, to put an end to it. What is important here is the motive why a person acts this way and not otherwise.
