Why do we constantly feel guilty towards our parents?

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The relationship between children and parents includes a whole range of psychological manifestations. They arise, develop and fade in the process of growth and maturation of the child, having a significant impact on the formation of personality and the subsequent course of his life. One of these psychological manifestations is a feeling of guilt towards parents. Almost all people experience this emotional process to one degree or another. It is important to understand the essence of these phenomena and ways to overcome them. This is what we will try to figure out.

Guilt towards parents is familiar to many people.

Definition of the concept

Guilt is a negative emotional feeling that arises in a person due to the fear of judgmental assessment by surrounding (significant) people of his actions or intentions. Feelings of guilt are common to all normal people. But the degree of its strength and influence on everyday life can vary.

All “guilt” can be divided into two groups:

• conscious,
• unconscious.

There is conscious guilt, a person understands its nature, knows or suspects the reasons for its occurrence. With unconscious “guilt,” a person does not understand the causes and manifestations of processes that negatively affect his personality, behavior, perception of the world around him and current events.

Feelings of guilt towards parents are negative emotions that are formed in children under the influence of the special nature of the relationship with their parents. The key reason for the formation of a feeling of “guilt” towards the mother and father is a certain parenting style.

Parents, by their chosen strategy of behavior towards their children, determine the degree of guilt towards them with which their sons and daughters will subsequently have to live.

All parents can be divided into two groups:

• "good enough"
• manipulators.

“Good enough” mothers and fathers understand that their baby is an individual. They spend all their upbringing efforts on developing the traits and qualities of an independent, healthy and self-sufficient personality. Their son/daughter will grow and develop side by side, but sooner or later will go into free swimming. Such parents understand that their children will still love them. These are simply the rules of normal life.

“Manipulative parents” view the child as an integral part of their life. Even before the baby is born, the mother and father “shape” his appearance, character traits and habits. Such parents make life plans with their daughters and sons, without providing for the option in which the children sooner or later grow up and begin to live their own lives. They build relationships using various manipulative models that force their sons and daughters to submit to their will out of guilt.

There are two reasons for the manipulative behavior of mothers and fathers.

1. Parents have no idea that they are manipulating their children, destroying their normal future. They do not have the necessary knowledge in the field of psychology and education. Mothers and fathers behave as the current situation and their own experience allow.
2. The presence of psychological problems “from childhood” in the parents themselves. The feeling of “guilt” is formed due to the desire of mothers and fathers to protect their children from the difficulties that they themselves encountered when interacting with their parents as children.

All manipulations with the help of which “guilt” is formed in children are divided into two groups:

• verbal,
• non-verbal.

Verbal manipulations include various words and expressions. We hear them all the time in the family, on the street or on TV.

Examples of reproaches and statements of a manipulative nature:

• “You don’t love us and don’t value us,”
• “We do everything in our power for you, and you...,”
• "The best years have passed on you"
• “It would be better if a girl/boy was born, as your sister/your brother asked,”
• “When I’m gone, then do what you want,”
• “This is not how you should do it, everything is in one place,”
• “With such behavior nothing good awaits you,”
• “Masha is great at the neighbors, and you...,”
• "You didn't live up to our hopes"
• "We expected more"
• “Where did this come from?”

Nonverbal manipulation includes facial expressions, gestures, intonation, and behavior. Initially, children perceive their mother using non-verbal communication methods.

All this is absorbed on a subconscious level. Later, when the child grows up, non-verbal behavioral manifestations of parents are still taken seriously.

Correcting your mistake is the most sensible thing to do on the way to getting rid of oppressive feelings

So, we made a mistake in something, stumbled, committed an unseemly act and worry about what happened, we cannot calm down, forget about it, throw bad thoughts out of our heads. In other words, we endlessly replay the same scenario - as a result, we are guaranteed headaches, insomnia, stress and irritability. But what happened is already in the past, nothing can be changed, so why exhaust yourself in vain? The only thing we can do is, if possible, correct the mistake and try to avoid it in the future. Anyone who is overcome by a feeling of guilt towards their parents must realize this simple truth.

Manifestation

Parents choose a wide variety of behavioral strategies for manipulation.

Types of manifestations of guilt are presented below.

1. A burden. Children are taught that without them, the life of their father and mother would be much better. The pattern of guilt formation is especially characteristic of single-parent families. Mothers, unable to cope with the psychological pressure of the difficulties of supporting themselves and their child, blame the baby for all the troubles of their lonely situation.
2. Discontent. For every act of disobedience there is a punishment. Children develop a strong understanding of their constant wrongness.
3. Misfortune. Age and health are used as controls. “You can do whatever you want, but my heart hurts very much because of your plans.”
4. Idealism. Parents know what the child needs. Any violation of the “outlined picture of life” leads to unjustified expectations and feelings of guilt.
5. Hope. Parents perceive the child as a means to achieve certain goals. Any deviations from the given plan destroy hopes and create a feeling of guilt.
6. Tears. The mother/father reacts to the behavior of children that does not suit them with emotional pressure. When an adult child leaves his parents’ house, the mother/father “acts out” the tragedy on the doorstep.

When a child moves, parents can put on a tearful performance

Refusal to Convict

Try to always be friendly to people and not judge them harshly for mistakes and shortcomings, then they, too, may be lenient towards your mistakes. If someone offended you and now feels guilty, forgive him - this is better than accumulating resentment, anger and hatred in your heart.

Remember: only a strong and courageous person can apologize. Such people deserve respect. By apologizing, a person acts smartly: from now on he will not be tormented by a constant feeling of guilt.

Consequences

The feeling of “guilt” before mother and father has a significant impact on a person’s subsequent life. Psychologists identify two main scenarios for the development of events when an excessive feeling of guilt is formed.

1. “Guilt” completely suppresses a person’s personality. Such people are lonely, cannot start a family, they live with their parents while they are alive. Initially, this situation is perceived as temporary, but later guilt gives rise to a mixed feeling of hatred and love for parents: an adult child secretly hates mother and father, but is so attached to them that he cannot do anything.
2. The son/daughter finds the strength to leave their parents physically, but their connection due to “guilt” remains on the psychological level. Parents manipulate such people by phone or via the Internet if they live far away. The “guilt” and constant “presence in life” of parents affects the well-being of new families of such “children.”

Feelings of guilt keep parents together, preventing them from starting their own family

Forgiveness

Be kind to yourself. We do not know whether the one we have offended will forgive us, or whether he will even be able to do so. Sometimes this can be difficult. But every person who has made a mistake and repents of it must forgive himself. With all your heart, be condescending to yourself, and also ask for an apology from the people who were offended by you in order to get rid of the painful feeling that oppresses you. Forgiving yourself means moving away from your guilt.

Take certain actions to correct your oversight or mistake, try to make amends in all possible ways. First of all, admit to the person whom you offended with your action or word that you are truly sincerely sorry. Repentance goes a long way. If possible, try to make sure that the bad memories pass without a trace, namely, so that you are sincerely forgiven. After this, the feeling of guilt towards your husband or any other family member should go away.

Overcoming Guilt

One of the key points in finding a solution to the problem of getting rid of guilt towards parents is understanding the very concept of duty to parents. What do we really owe?

1. Keep in touch with them, communicate and visit parents with your new family.
2. Provide all possible assistance, whenever possible, solve important tasks and problems.
3. Do not hold grudges for any actions in childhood.

Parents just need to be loved and thanked, and not done something out of guilt and obligation. In turn, parents will give reciprocal love and gratitude.

What children don't owe their mom and dad:

• for coming into this world,
• for the energy, work and time spent on education,
• for the personal failures of the mother and father.

How to get rid of guilt towards parents:

1. The best option is when parents begin to realize the danger of their behavior. The mother and father turn to a psychologist and adjust the nature of the relationship with the child. In such cases, the feeling of guilt will develop with normal, natural manifestations, without a significant impact on the psyche.
2. A more common case is an “adult” child turning to a psychologist who realized that he has problems associated with feelings of guilt. A specialist, having understood the specifics of the situation, helps to work through “guilt” and minimize its impact on everyday life and psychological state.
3. A way to independently solve the problem of feeling guilty before parents is to avoid manipulative influences through a deep understanding of the nature of relationships with parents. Such a painful process, with the help of competent discussion, allows you to effectively rebuild behavior and form a new line of communication.

Guilt before mother

This situation has its own characteristics in cases where the mother raised the child alone, and after he “went into free swimming”, constantly manipulates him, causing a feeling of guilt. In a full-fledged family, a woman proportionately distributes her attention to children and spouse. If there is no “other half”, then all attention will be focused on the child. In the process of growing up, such guardianship becomes a burden, which gives rise to a feeling of guilt in children for changing the structure of communication that the mother is accustomed to.

How to get rid of the feeling of guilt towards your mother: deeply analyze the situation, try to direct maternal energy in a “healthy direction” (hobbies, communication with friends, travel, a new life partner, grandchildren, animals).

Rebuilding a mother’s life is quite problematic, so it’s worth trying to involve a specialist. A psychologist will help resolve the situation so that the mother understands the need for changes in her relationship with her children.

Getting rid of guilt is difficult. But this does not mean that the problem cannot be solved. You can get rid of it yourself or with the help of a specialist.

Guilt towards parents and choice of profession

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There are various professional dynasties in society, when from generation to generation children follow in the footsteps of their parents. But not all of them made this decision consciously and voluntarily. In the 21st century, everything is still much more difficult, because many professions have lost their relevance and prestige. So, if a young man wants to become a musician, and his family demands to continue the dynasty of doctors, military men or agronomists, then it is best to survive short-term disagreements with the family than to be unhappy all your life. Becoming a musician may have a one in a thousand chance of success and happiness. Having made the decision of your parents, becoming a doctor/military officer/engineer, there is no chance of being happy. But there is only one life and lost time can never be returned, so you should only follow your calling. Parents always want to see their child happy. That is why, having chosen your own path and achieved success on it, you will be able to please your parents much more, and the feeling of guilt will go away by itself in the early stages.

Feelings of guilt in front of those closest to you can cloud your consciousness, and the decision made in this regard may be rash. In this situation, you cannot trust emotions; comprehension must be logical and time-consuming.

When you feel guilty, tell yourself these phrases

It is important to learn to manage your emotions and not lose your temper when you get angry. If you are acutely experiencing guilt and remorse, consciously saying these phrases to yourself will help:

“Then, in those circumstances, I could not do differently. But now, when I look at the past from the top of my experience and thanks to the knowledge that I have, I can.

“I didn’t have any bad intentions when I hurt the child.” Then I couldn’t cope with my feelings and didn’t realize what I was doing and what the consequences might be. There was a lot I didn’t know and didn’t understand. Today I know!

– Thanks to the mistakes I made in the past, I understood more about myself and others, learned a lot and continue to learn. I began to understand my child better and am doing everything possible to avoid repeating something that I might greatly regret tomorrow.

- Today is a new day. There has never been such a day in my life and there never will be again. It’s up to me how I live it.

“For now, I don’t set big goals, for example: “Never scream again.” To begin with, I have a small but very important goal - not to yell at the baby, but to spend more time with him, playing and doing what he wants. If I start to get angry and irritable, I will remember this small goal of mine and will try to mitigate any conflict, rather than escalate it.

– I will try to get closer to the child emotionally during the day, speak kindly, stay calm, and if it’s difficult for me and I start to “get wound up”, I’ll carefully leave the room and breathe deeply for 5 minutes :), then I’ll come back and hug him.

– I forgive myself and let go of my past. It no longer has power over me. Every day I live better than the previous one. I accept and love myself.

Children can't raise children

The child is very observant and notices literally every detail in his small space. He learns to live, based on the beliefs he develops, how to live correctly. Parents are a shining example and confirmation for the child of “how it should be.” Here it’s time to remember the verse “What is good and what is bad.”

When educating, we do not take into account the main thing: children perceive the world literally and react to everything that happens with their childish spontaneity. We are angry with the child, thus trying to protect him from further failures, and the child perceives criticism as non-acceptance of his existence in this world. We show attention to the child with our teachings, but the child considers this a reproach against him. We teach children to survive in this world, thereby creating complexes and feelings of inferiority in them. Unfortunately, we do not engage in our own upbringing and do not ask ourselves the right questions about raising a child. Basically, how can a child teach life to a child? How can you give another person, even a small one, something that you yourself don’t have?

Scenarios

Children raised by parents of the second category can often observe their mother's tears, as well as hear complaints and reproaches. Let's look at a few scenarios that such people follow.

One of the most common is “Victim of Circumstances.” From childhood, a child is told what sacrifices a single mother had to make in order to raise her son or daughter, how many sleepless nights she spent at the bedside of her often ill child, how hard it was without money, how difficult it is now and there is nothing left ahead.

Parents can do this unconsciously, pursuing a good goal - to develop great love, gratitude, simply by simply sharing their thoughts and experiences, but in fact, even in an adult after all this, only that same feeling and thoughts about a debt that cannot be returned no matter how hard you try .

Sometimes “victims of circumstances” try to hide the manipulation, reminding them that none of this matters. The mother loves the child and does not blame him for anything: “When I was your age, I sat with the baby, you screamed, and I wrote my diploma with my other hand, but that’s okay. Go hang out with your friends. I’m just droning on like an old lady.”

There are “ideal” people, in their opinion, not just parents, but ideal people in general. Such people believe that they are competent in everything and always. They know what to do, when, where, with whom, how much time, and so on.

They can constantly control and reproach the child, instill in him a feeling of inferiority: “I’m always wrong,” “I’m to blame,” “I’m doing something wrong.” A child, and then an adult, strives to live up to such ideal parents, but he simply cannot do this, since he is a priori guilty. He did not live up to some expectations that he most likely did not even suspect.

There are also manipulative jokers who humorously mock a child who does not understand irony at all: “I’m crying not because I stepped on a nail, but because you upset me again.”

Sometimes parents share information that is completely inappropriate for a young child's ears. For example, if they didn’t plan to have a child at all or wanted a girl/boy, but it didn’t work out. In this case, children will naturally experience feelings of guilt, shame and remain dissatisfied with themselves.

Models of parental manipulation

Parental manipulation leads to feelings of guilt towards them

Feelings of guilt arise due to certain parental behavior, so you need to figure out which manipulations are the most powerful.

1. The first model of behavior is that the parent often repeats to the child: he gave the best years of his life to his upbringing and, if he had not been born, these years would have been much more fun. Psychologists call such representatives “parents - victims of circumstances.” These words are repeated by a single mother, talking about how her life went downhill after the birth of her baby. With such an offensive phrase, the mother causes an incredible feeling of guilt, which does not disappear in the child over the years, but only intensifies.
2. Children who are unlucky enough to have perpetually dissatisfied parents often experience similar feelings. The slightest error in actions and behavior makes the child think that he is somehow wrong or even inferior.
3. An unhappy parent can also cause feelings of guilt. Often at a young age we had to hear: “Go out until midnight. The main thing is that you will have fun, and the fact that your mother will worry and sleep poorly is not important.” When going for a walk, the child knows that it is better for him to return earlier, because his mother will worry. And that's the best case scenario. Particularly sympathetic children simply stay at home, following their parents' whims for the rest of their lives. They have no privacy, friends, etc. due to following their parents' whims.
4. “Ideal” parents also have a strong influence on children. They present themselves in such a light that they can see better what clothes look best on a child. They know better the activity that is suitable for the child, etc. These representatives are convinced that the child should live as they say. Parents choose who to work with, who to communicate with, and who to keep away from them. Such parents necessarily demand an account from their children in the form of stories and evidence. Even an unformed person in such conditions perceives the slightest mistake as a catastrophe on a global scale, and tries to follow the example of his ancestors in order to become the same ideal.
5. Feelings of guilt can arise from interaction with all-forbidding parents who keep their children on a short leash and do not even allow them to think about some dubious pastime at a disco, about walking with a member of the opposite sex, about receiving some kind of unacceptable grade.
6. Democratic parents can also cause feelings of guilt with their “jokes.” The first time, the child will not understand what is going on and will perceive what is said as a joke. But over time, reproaches in an ironic form will develop into a feeling of all-consuming guilt.

There are many more models, but the most common ones that affect the child’s psyche are mentioned above.