How to get rid of feelings of revenge and live happily

For whom revenge is sweet

A friend told how she became the victim of an unsuccessful acquaintance. I walked around the park with a young man a couple of times and decided not to keep in touch with him anymore. She formulated the refusal as gently as possible. In response I heard that she was a street wench. And then the girl’s phone suddenly began to be attacked by unknown men. The investigation showed that the offended fan posted a profile with her photo on a dating site and introduced her to a person of easy virtue. What is the logic of the avenger? What was he trying to achieve? Could the unpleasant consequences have been avoided?

Let's turn to the geometry of the unconscious to understand why they take revenge. The trigger for revenge is resentment. And not everyone has it built into the mechanism of their psyche. The tendency to take offense is an innate quality. The desire to give justice to the offender arises only in people with an anal vector. The structure of the psyche, woven as if from straight lines, predisposes to such a reaction. Such people unconsciously strive to divide everything equally and suffer when this principle is violated. Resentment is the feeling that something important was not delivered that you were counting on. Feeling of unequal distribution. It bends the edges of the “psychic square”; psychologically this is perceived as severe discomfort.

This is the reason for the revenge of men and women. They feel resentment as an internal distortion that they strive to correct with all their might. After all, if a picture hanging crookedly or notebooks unevenly laid out on a table can be moved with a slight movement of the hand, then with a distorted soul everything is much more complicated.

Revenge can at least briefly compensate for the severity of the condition. It represents the triumph of straight lines: the offender received as much pain as I did. We suffered equally! It brings relief.

However, why does a person need revenge on a girl who did not promise anything? What did she do wrong?

Most often, in such cases, a man expresses resentment towards women, which originates either from the first relationship or from a resentment towards his mother. Even if the man himself does not admit it to himself.

A person with a head can understand perfectly well that revenge is unconstructive and even turn over thoughts about forgiveness in his mind. But you can't order your heart. More precisely, the unconscious. The desire for revenge is an uncontrollable mental reaction. Until its cause is realized.

The innate way of perceiving the world of people with an anal vector is divided into clean and dirty. They perceive women on the same principle. Girls in their eyes are either pure or slutty. Having had a painful experience once, a man draws conclusions about all women. If one quits, then everyone is dissolute. This is a trap of systematizing thinking in the anal vector. Well, if the relationship with your mother does not work out, then the imbalance arises for life.

What triggers the desire for revenge

Children with anal vector are dependent on their mother's approval. They are obedient and ready to carry out her instructions with diligence. The innate pace of people with such a psyche is thorough, unhurried.

If the mother criticizes the child or is indifferent to his achievements, then psychological conditions are created for the formation of resentment. The “edges of the square” can also become distorted due to the mother’s excessive fussiness. When she hurries and interrupts a baby with an anal vector, disrupting his natural leisurely pace, he becomes stressed, which does not at all contribute to the favorable development of the psyche. If such episodes are regularly repeated in the life of a boy with an anal vector, resentment towards the mother may take hold. Then in the future he will project it onto all women without exception. The slightest touch to an old emotional wound will stir up old resentment and the desire for revenge.

However, this does not mean that every man with an anal vector will take revenge. Resentment is an unbalanced state of mind. If events develop favorably, people with this psychotype are the most decent and reliable. When they are realized in the social and sexual sphere, their natural resources are emasculated in their intended use. In a sense, there is no strength left for resentment. The preconditions for negative states are created by a lack of respect in the team and an unsatisfactory personal life. When there is no pleasure from fulfillment in society, then a person’s greatest pleasure comes from leveling the “square”—revenge on the offender. It is rather a temporary relief from suffering and does not bring long-term satisfaction. Mental problems will still make themselves felt and will require repair.

What can cause a desire for revenge in a man or woman?

A man can expect a new acquaintance to want to start a family and spend most of his time at the stove. But her mental qualities can give rise to completely different aspirations. For example, to career growth and frequent changes of environment. Such conflicts are a common occurrence in the lives of men with the anal vector, since they experience a natural attraction to women with a skin vector that is completely opposite to them in properties. The husband may believe that the other half is acting out of spite, even if the wife had no intention of causing him suffering. Unmet expectations fuel resentment.

But this does not mean that at the slightest offense he will begin to take revenge. Natural inertia makes people with the anal vector reluctant to take decisive action. They can endure for decades until some event turns the smooth lines of his psyche into a ram’s horn.

What do they usually take revenge for? The most terrible blow for any person is the one that violates his values. For a person with an anal vector, these are family, children, devotion, chastity, sincerity and purity in every sense. For adultery, a man with an anal vector is capable of violence, and can also take a child from his wife.

What do women with anal vector usually take revenge for? The list of reasons is not much different from men's. For example, for adultery. In this case, a woman with an anal vector can even do something that she would never do in good condition. The most naturally faithful wife can cheat on her husband with his best friend. So she unconsciously wants to cause him the same pain that she experienced.

A person tends to evaluate people's actions through the prism of his values. Thus, people with the anal vector sometimes attribute a desire to take revenge on those who do not even think about retaliation. For example, a wife exposed her husband’s infidelity, after which he left her with a child and debts. A spouse with an anal vector through herself may regard such behavior as revenge, although in reality her husband’s motives may turn out to be completely different. Let's say, act in the most beneficial way for yourself, which is typical for people with the skin vector.

The book “Private Visits” examines the most difficult situations that are not so often encountered in psychotherapeutic and advisory practice. The author describes modern methodological approaches to psychopathology and therapeutic techniques for working with patients presenting with intrapersonal and interpersonal problems or suffering from certain mental disorders

Part 1. Revenge and hatred in the therapeutic process

Introduction

About a year ago, I received an unsigned email (which is quite typical for communications with personal problems), the author of which asked whether psychotherapy could help in overcoming the desire to take revenge on the offender? It was noted that we were talking about a loved one who apologized, and they were even accepted. But the desire for revenge still remains.

The author of the letter was asked to meet. And this is where our correspondence ended. Considering that such problems are not isolated, and also that some people have extremely idealized ideas about some magical effect of psychotherapy, while others are convinced of its complete uselessness, I would like to offer for consideration several old cases, significantly changing the original data and, accordingly, the ability to identify their former patients. What unites these cases and is presented without any correction is an inescapable desire for revenge.

These cases have already been published several times in professional publications, but I think that familiarization with them will be useful for a wide audience, because no one has ever managed to live without mental trauma. Moreover, as therapeutic experience testifies, life is initially traumatic.

Devoted friend

Over the course of several years (the “perestroika period”), the patient, together with a childhood friend, created a solid business, or more precisely, a number of very effective commercial structures. And at this stage, his friend “dumped” him, leaving him with practically nothing. I applied for depression due to moral and material losses.

Over the course of several years, the patient verbalizes plans for increasingly sophisticated revenge—from setting fire to a former friend's car to ideas about stealing his child or physically eliminating a former companion. To the question: “What will this give?” - reacts adequately: “It won’t give anything. I’ll just take out my anger and go to prison.” Gradually, the theme of revenge in the patient's material is exhausted, and plans appear to surpass the offender economically and punish him in this way.

Five years later, this task turns out to be close to completion, and during the same period, a former friend decides to “repay the debt,” as it were, and offers to transfer ownership of one of the (formerly common) commercial structures to the patient. To clarify the motive, I will add: he proposes to transfer this structure to my patient and in an equal share to his ex-wife, whom this friend recently left, and who knows nothing about business. After some hesitation, the patient accepts this offer, and then also enters into a short-term love relationship with the ex-wife of a former friend, although he is aware that this is nothing more than another option for satisfying feelings of revenge. Then there were fantasies about marrying her and adopting a child - her and her former friend (which the patient almost independently interpreted as an analogy of his previous desire - “to steal a child”). Fortunately (this is not my conclusion, but the patient's), these fantasies were not realized, and after a while he married someone else and completely restored his position in business.

After nine years of therapy (we met no more than once a week for the last three years), the patient admitted that she was his only “outlet” and saved him from a paranoid desire for revenge and the implementation of catastrophic decisions.

More than thirteen years have passed since the end of therapy. Sometimes, once every 3-4 years, he calls me just to talk.

The main thing is that he is happy, and his own children are growing up. Of course, this also makes me happy; I am only sincerely sorry that this amazingly kind-hearted and talented person left Russia and now lives abroad.

Once, at the end of our work together, he called it “a long funeral of friendship,” identifying himself as a “close relative of the deceased” and me as a “hospice nurse.” I must admit, this is not the worst way to describe the role that I had to play with my patients.

* * *

There are several psychic phenomena well known to specialists. I will not explain their mechanisms, but will only mention their content.

A person experiencing emotional discomfort (for one reason or another) does not always notice a deterioration in memory (up to 40%), a decrease in his intellectual potential (up to 50%) and a slowdown in the speed of motor reactions (up to 30–40%). Therefore, being in a depressed or anxious state, such people (from the point of view of psychiatry - completely healthy) much more often find themselves in various unpleasant situations, become the cause of accidents in transport and in production (including high-tech and energy-intensive ones), take not entirely adequate decisions, etc. Naturally, they try to overcome their mental discomfort, thinking a thousand times about how to get rid of it and what decision to make. But in most cases, this does not lead to the desired results, except that a predisposition to “mental chewing gum” is formed and to getting stuck in a traumatic situation, when the psyche begins to traumatize itself.

To overcome such a situation, another is always needed. Attempts at independent comprehension, as already noted, in many cases turn out to be unproductive. Qualitatively different mental mechanisms are activated when pronouncing the created situation and its emotional content in the presence of the Other. Only in this case does what in psychotherapy is designated by the term “verbal rejection” occur, that is, the transfer of traumatic mental content from an internal state into an external event and its response (with the help of speech). In this case, it is not any other that is required, but a significant Other. Some try to use their loved ones or just friends for this. But this rarely helps, since in order to really resolve a particular problem, this Other must not be involved at all in the situation being analyzed and be outside the daily life of the person in need of help. Well, and in addition, he must have the appropriate knowledge about the functioning of the psyche and the skills to work to overcome crisis situations, including careful attitude to internal experiences (which often have independent value), in order to become a significant Other even in the process of the first meetings.

Scorned Wife

The patient’s husband, with whom she has been in love since her youth, treats her quite warmly and caringly, but for several years now he has been denying her sexual intimacy under a variety of pretexts (fatigue, ill health, exhaustion, possibly impotence). After some time, the patient learns that he has a mistress, and not even one. During the sessions, she repeatedly talks about an obsessive fantasy of how her husband will have an accident, after which he will be bedridden and finally understand that her love is the only valuable thing in his life.

I notice that, in general, she paints a rather gloomy picture of her future: a paralyzed husband, bandage pots, no sex, no care or attention at all from her husband, and deprivation of most of the family budget. And then I add: “Why not, in your fantasies, divorce him or, for example, not let him die in the same accident?” “The patient immediately replies that this is not part of her plans: “I want him to suffer, and for a long time!” “My statement that in this way she is punishing herself rather than him is met with complete acceptance: “Well, so be it.” The feeling of revenge turns out to be as insatiable as love.

The most difficult thing was restoring her self-esteem and belief in her sexual attractiveness, which, in my opinion, was beyond doubt. Objectively, she was an extremely impressive woman, but she felt and behaved with the uncertainty of a poorly built plain woman.

Let me make a small digression. Self-esteem is a very important psychological phenomenon that is formed in early childhood and mainly on the basis of parental relationships with the child. Subsequently, neither external data, nor intellectual or creative talent, or even universally recognized social and material achievements have a significant impact on it. From this point of view, low self-esteem may turn out to be a socially very acceptable quality (more precisely, convenient for the immediate environment). It can continue to motivate a person for a long time to achieve new and new achievements, with one specific feature - they do not bring her a feeling of happiness.

Correcting self-esteem is always a rather complex and time-consuming therapeutic task, since its formation dates back to early childhood and extremely deep personal formations, which, in addition to social, also have genetic conditioning.

Let us return to the analyzed case of the rejected wife. There were many moments that could be assessed as turning points during the therapy process. I'll give just one. One day she came to a session in high spirits, which did not happen often. I didn't need to ask any questions to find out why. The patient immediately reported that yesterday she was at a friend’s birthday party - a pure “bachelorette party.” There was one toast: “Let everyone who didn’t get us cry, let everyone who didn’t want us die!” She said this with a noticeable lift, and then repeated it again.

I am much older than her, and have heard this toast more than once, so I began to think even before the completion of my patient’s entire phrase (who clearly “savored” it). The main thing at the beginning of this session was not the patient’s elated mood at all, but something completely different - her aggression for the first time, instead of her typical masochistic focus (on herself), turned outward, to the object of her affection: “Let him die!” I only had 2–3 seconds to process this and make a decision: just continue to listen to the patient without interrupting, or (at the risk of “identifying” with her husband) transfer the situation under discussion from “there and then” to “here and now” . The second decision was made and the question was asked: “Does this concern me too?” “At first the patient did not understand (or pretended not to understand) my question...” In what sense?” she asked. I said nothing. After thinking a little, she nodded in agreement, but (with some delay) said something else: “Well, you... are a therapist...”. - “Is this some kind of special gender?” - I asked... It was extremely important to try to make sure that her (previously directed at herself) aggression, which finally found some more adequate outlet, was not projected onto all men, and in the process of subsequent discussion this task was solved.

We always pay attention when the verbal answer and its nonverbal background do not coincide (in this case, a nod as a sign of complete agreement, and a certain uncertainty in the verbal response to my question).

On this day, almost our entire meeting was spent discussing her external characteristics, with a projection on “those who did not want us.” Naturally, I in no way sexualized my phrases or my attitude towards her. Nevertheless, the patient was given adequate “feedback,” in particular, to her self-esteem and her humiliated (repeatedly voiced, mostly indirect) request about her sexual attractiveness. At the same time, from the side of a man who is significant to her, which I have already managed to become. But this did not immediately affect her obsessive fantasies about her “paralyzed” husband.

This incident provides me with another opportunity for additional comment. — When hatred arises for the object of affection (a loved one), a specific “splitting” of the personality is formed. This severe form of mental dysfunction is well known in psychiatry, but in such cases it is less noticeable and appears in an “erased” version. I will try to explain this in the simplest form possible. One part of the personality continues to love, and the other begins to hate, and at the same time, not only the infinitely dear and at the same time hated object, but also the loving part of one’s own personality. Moreover, she experiences a special feeling of pleasure from constant insults and humiliations of this part of her Self (herself). In this case, such a “splitting” was easily detected by phrases like: “I keep telling myself: “You’re a fool!” The last fool! Idiot! Another would have been divorced long ago!” “But... I love him.” — The main conclusion from this internal “dialogue” (between her and her), which the therapist must make, is that the patient’s integrity of personality is violated, and this affects the functioning of the psyche in the same way as a violation of the integrity of the body, and is partly comparable to situations when a person causes physical harm to himself.

When such a phenomenon appears, for a certain period of time the therapist has to work, as it were, with two different personalities and instantly recognize which of them he is talking to at one time or another in each session. The next essential goal of therapy is to restore the integrity of the individual, and then a gradual transition from the obsessive repetition of self-destructive programs to programs of positive orientation - overcoming the problem.

I have a firm conviction that both the problem and the method for solving it almost always belong to the individual who presents it. Only she can’t find him on her own. In my personal “arsenal” there may be a dozen solutions, but only the eleventh – my own – is suitable for the patient. Therefore, I never give advice to my patients, but simply help them search.

Let's return again to the case of my patient. Over time, I still manage to persuade her to try to expand the options for her fantasies and strategies for overcoming the current situation (I repeat once again: options for fantasies, that is, verbal projects for her future, which, of course, frightened her). After some period of such discussions, she comes and immediately declares: “Well, I’ve taken a lover, just as you wanted!” I ask, “Did I ever talk about this?” “No,” she replies, “they didn’t say so.” But I felt that you wanted it."

To be honest, I didn’t think about it and, knowing about the typical situations of spouses “semi-departing” and then returning to the family, I was counting more on this (conciliatory) option. But I also understood her need to project guilt outward (in this case, onto me) and at this stage did not explore the problem. Subsequently, she left for her lover, leaving her teenage daughter with a very difficult character (as a result of her parents’ marital problems) in the care of her husband. Revenge took place after all.

* * *

The treatment for this case was almost half as long as the previous one and lasted only 4 years. Someone will ask why it took so long? There are many objective reasons for this, well known to specialists. It is appropriate to cite only one here. Freud also called psychotherapy “growing up the patient,” and if we take into account the “psychological age” of the problem with which my patient came, her emotional age “frozen” (I will not name the reasons) at around 6–7 years, although in fact in fact, she was slightly over 30. During the same period of early childhood, her attitudes towards objects of attachment acquired a masochistic overtones. Thus, her “growing up” by another 25 years to bridge the gap between her biological, social and emotional ages lasted only about 4 years.

Every time patients ask me: “How long will it take?”, I sincerely answer: “I don’t know.” And it is true. I don't know how long it will take us - a few months or a few years, but it is always appropriate to explain to the patient that this will not be a lifetime of suffering.

In therapy, we always move at the speed that is available to the patient, and do not try to “enlighten” him, starting from our professional knowledge or sudden insights. We always remember that turning to the past is, in fact, plunging into the still stormy abyss of deeply intimate experiences and passions, even if on the surface everything seems smooth. We, therapists, plunge into this almost every day, but even for us, with all our experience and professional activation of defense mechanisms, it does not pass without a trace. And our patients are usually bad divers. And first we need to teach them to at least just swim.

After the joint decision to end therapy, we never met or even called back with this patient, and this is a good sign - it means that she did not have such a need. Only one day, while walking around the city, I suddenly noticed that from the opposite side of the street, leaning on the arm of an athletically built man and bouncing in place, as happy children usually do, a woman was waving at me. I didn't recognize her right away. She lost weight and seemed to become taller and younger. I waved back to her, and at that time she was saying something to her companion. I think she was explaining to him who I was. Most likely, she said that I was some old friend of her parents, known to her since childhood. And it is true. After all, I existed in her mental reality from the period when she was about six years old, helping her grow up and feel wanted and happy.

Four levels of resentment

It is possible to get rid of the painful state of resentment forever only through a deep understanding of the laws of the psyche. Time does not heal resentment. If it has crept into the soul, it will only get worse over time. Revenge compensates for her for a while. As it grows, it goes through four stages of transformation. This is an insult to:

• person;
• a group of people;
• society;
• God.

At the same time, it is easiest to cope with resentment when it has not yet taken root. Here is a pedestrian with an anal vector sprayed by a cyclist. If the owner of the iron horse immediately apologizes to the victim, he will forgive with all his heart. Straight lines of psychological comfort will not have time to bend, since the offender’s apology will straighten them out!

But the longer you have to wait for compensation, the more resentment takes root in your soul. And if it has reached such proportions that the offended person threatens revenge, it is worth taking these words as seriously as possible. A person with an anal vector is straightforward. When he voices his intentions, he actually intends to carry out his threat. A sneaky strike on the sly is not in his customs.

The greatest danger to society comes from the resentment of a person whose psyche combines anal and sound vectors. The severity of internal states with such a connection can reach such a high level that a person decides to commit mass murder for the sake of revenge. These were Roslyakov, Breivik, Vinogradov. Their diagnosis is moral degeneration. Why do they take revenge? The resentment towards God and the loss of moral guidelines among such people go off scale to such an extent that they are ready to commit mass murder.

What is revenge for good?

There are situations when only response actions, confident and timely, can stop a person. Then the principle of revenge for good operates, punishment becomes the only way that will help in the current situation. In this case, it, like medicine, will pursue good goals, but this cannot serve as an excuse. When there is no other way to protect yourself, your family and friends, revenge can take the place of the court and implement what the state and an entire army of human rights defenders are unable to do.

Can revenge be justified?

Many people disagree on the question: is revenge good or bad? Should you give in to your feelings and punish your offenders, or should you be generous and try to forgive them? When discussing what revenge is, we must not forget about such important concepts that influence life as faith, upbringing, and morality. You can justify revenge in your own thoughts, but will this be an argument for others? If you ask believers what vindictiveness and generosity are, then for them any manifestation of aggression towards people is a grave sin.

ECO-FRIENDLY REVENGE

It happens when we do not have the opportunity to talk to a living offender. For creative individuals, this method is suitable: write a story in which the main character takes revenge in all colors on his offender. Gestalt therapists suggest putting a chair in front of you, imagining the offender on it, telling him everything and kicking him in the face. You can do with this chair or with any object what you would like to do to restore justice. You can simply describe the situation as it was, but at the end remember the cherished “if only...” and write the ending the way you would like. Sublimated resentment can lead you to the creation of Facebook, like Mark Zuckerberg, or to a complete collapse in life, it depends on your talents and luck.

The most unecological revenge is to seek allies against your offender. At the same time, your inner anger will increase, and you will feel even more like a victim in this unfair life. And such a position has a negative impact on self-esteem and subsequent life choices; the victim will always find an executioner.

What to do with the destructive desire for revenge?

There is an exit. It is necessary to get from the situation “I feel bad, I didn’t get enough, I want to take revenge” into a situation where “I feel good and want to do good to someone in return, feeling grateful to this world.”

1. It is necessary to get rid of psychological traumas of childhood.

To fully understand the mental forces operating in us, their characteristics, properties, methods of harmonious fulfillment, and also to work through distant childhood traumas and grievances against parents. This can be done fully only at the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.

2. Learn to be a fulfilled person.