How to become a don't care in life
How to develop healthy indifference and where should it be used? This phenomenon is new, but has deep roots going back centuries. In our culture, indifference seeped from Eastern philosophies, in particular Buddhism. Enlightenment is impossible without inner balance, and everything that happens to us is an illusion and vanity. Only true peace is worthy of attention.
Another source of indifference is the principle of Wu-wei from Taoism. It says: keep calm and the corpse of your enemy will be carried past you. That is, nothing in this world is worth disturbing internal balance.
Doing nothing, inaction, non-interference in the natural course of things - isn’t this not giving a damn? Liberation from passions and negative emotions is the goal of many modern people who are tired of the frantic pace of life.
A person who doesn’t give a damn is able to maintain his health, good mood, excludes the possibility of influencing himself and does not succumb to the influence of others. He does what he considers necessary and does not indulge others. Sounds good, doesn't it? Everyone dreams of personal freedom, which is deprived of in society. Not caring gives such an opportunity.
Make it to Violetta's
In those days when I was just beginning my work on the study of human experience, I happened to see Verdi's La Traviata. Known for its magnificent music, it is also a moving love story between a young aristocrat and Violetta, a lady of the demimonde. The young man's father turns to Violetta and convinces her to leave her lover in order to preserve the honor of his family and not spoil his sister's marriage prospects. By sacrificing herself, Violetta is forced to pretend to reject the man she loves. Soon she experiences a relapse of consumption (as tuberculosis was called in the 19th century). In the final act, the dying Violetta lies surrounded by her few friends. Her lover is warned and rushes to Paris to see her. Love and hope give the woman strength, but her condition quickly deteriorates. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve seen the opera, every time you’re filled with tension and fear: will the young man arrive on time? There is a feeling that it is extremely important for him to see his beloved before she dies. Of course, he succeeds, the heroes perform several wonderful love duets and after 10 minutes of amazing music, Violetta leaves this world.
On the way home from the opera, I wondered: why are these last 10 minutes so important to us? I suddenly realized that I was not at all interested in Violetta's life span. If they had told me that she died at 27 years old, and not at 28, as I believed, the news that she had lost a year of a happy life would not have touched me at all, but the possibility of losing the last 10 minutes of her life meant much more. Moreover, the emotions I would experience from the lovers' reunion would not change if I knew that they had spent a week together rather than 10 minutes. However, if the hero had been late, La Traviata would have been a completely different story.
“Disregard for deadlines is normal in a story, and its mood is often determined by its ending. This is how memory works: it creates stories and stores them for the future. We perceive life as a plot not only in an opera - and we want the story to end well.”
A story is about meaningful events and memorable moments, not the passage of time. Neglect of deadlines is normal in a story, and its mood is often determined by its ending. This is how memory works: it creates stories and stores them for the future. We perceive life as a plot not only in the opera - and we want the story to end well. When we hear about the death of a woman who has not spoken to her daughter for many years, we want to know if she made peace with her on her deathbed.
We don’t care about our daughter’s feelings—what matters to us is the narrative of the mother’s life, which we want to correct. Caring for people often manifests itself as a concern for the quality of their stories—not for their feelings. And, of course, we can be concerned about events that change the stories of people who have already died. We sympathize with the man who died believing in the love of his wife when we hear that in fact she dated her lover for many years and stayed with her husband only for his money. We feel sorry for our husband, although he lived a happy life. We feel the humiliation of a scientist who made an important discovery that was found to be wrong after his death - although he himself did not experience this humiliation. Most of all, of course, we care about the narrative of our own lives and really want it to be a good story with a decent hero.
How to include not giving a fuck in a relationship and when it’s appropriate
Complete indifference in love relationships, for example, has a detrimental effect on them. It is impossible to build them with a person who is indifferent to everything. This is very difficult for a partner. A love affair implies passion, mutual desire, the desire to do something pleasant. None of this can be achieved from a person who doesn’t care. You have to choose - love or balance.
It is appropriate to turn on indifference if a partner is trying to put pressure, seek to manipulate and create an artificial intensity of passions. If you decide to learn this art, you need to learn the principle - how to become a non-governer and not be nervous. Why is this so important? Beginners who don’t give a damn, who consciously decided to cultivate this quality in themselves, are initially tormented by a feeling of guilt and are nervous about how their reactions are perceived by others.
For example, just yesterday a sympathetic guy who did not say “No” suddenly turns on a mask of indifference and does not succumb to the tricks of those who are accustomed to using him. He hears reproaches and bewilderment addressed to him and suddenly finds out how bad he is. Although just a few days ago he was considered a reliable good-natured person who could be used with impunity. Naturally, the feeling of guilt makes itself felt and spoils the nerves. Therefore, you need to understand how to not give a damn in life and not experience pangs of conscience.
How to be calmer about problems?
Question for a psychologist:
Good afternoon. I have flashes of sadness over normal problems. Such as lack of money, large bills for housing and communal services, the need to make large purchases, etc. I pointed out that these are flashes, because at the moment when, as it seems to me, a problem arises, it always happens as if suddenly for me, that is, at some minute I understand that there is no money (although, firstly, there is, secondly, I knew about the spending in advance and I agreed with everything and understood everything) I get terribly upset, just as if a catastrophe had happened, then I try to find the strength to cope with this situation, but I start to cry furiously and in the end I'm looking for the culprit. Usually the outbreak lasts 1 day, the next day I try to pull myself together, be disciplined, and already on the 3rd day I begin to be tormented by a feeling of guilt and misunderstanding - what is the reason for all this. I tried to look for some deep reason in this, but there is none. Everything is really normal, I just react this way to some minor difficulties. I am very scared and it seems to me that everything that is happening is not my life, I made some mistake and now everything will be bad. I'm married, no children, high school, normal. I earn money. I come from a single-parent family, I lived with my grandmother, then with my mother, relations in the family were always not very friendly and somehow it is not customary for us to discuss everyday issues, everything somehow has to be resolved on its own and someone always has something for us must. My mother and I lived quite poorly, in an old hostel, and in my youth it always seemed to me that nothing would work out in life and that I had to work very hard. I have been working since I was 17 years old. My relationship with my husband is good, except for the problem described. We earn the same amount, but since we have a mortgage, renovations, and youth, sometimes we don’t have enough money, but this is some kind of standard situation, i.e. just like others. I don’t know when such attacks began, but I always reacted very violently to everyday problems, it seemed to me that the question of money, how to spend it, take out loans / not take out loans, buy equipment, not buy, is of paramount importance. I really don’t like it when people don’t know how to count money or behave wastefully. I would even say I hate this. Sometimes such outbreaks happen for other reasons, for example, now I can’t get pregnant, and sometimes it seems to me that this will never happen, but again it all comes down to money, and if I can’t, then I will need money. At the same time, I never regret my loved ones. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, but if my mother needs expensive medicine, what are we talking about, it’s necessary. The essence of my question is not the problems themselves, but these difficulties exist. And how not to be hysterical about this. Somehow it’s easy to say in words - I’m upset that I didn’t have enough money for a haircut, etc. and so that at the same time it would let me go, that is, I would calmly worry about the problem. I have no questions or complaints about myself in life, I love myself and, in principle, I have peace with myself, this applies to appearance, work, etc. And in life I am a calm person, even in stressful situations I am always very calm, there are no outbursts of emotionality with me. I can shout or quarrel with someone (for example, in a clinic), but I do this not because I can’t restrain myself, but because I know that sometimes problems can be solved with the help of pressure, and for me this is just a method, nothing more. But this happens very rarely. But when I get upset, I stop being myself, I turn into the aunt from the Let Them Talk program, I moralize, demand, look for who is to blame and hate myself for it. Then everything goes away. I used to quarrel with my mother like that, now sometimes I blame my husband, sometimes I just withdraw into myself and get hysterical with myself. When I lived with my mother, I believed that everything was her fault, that she was not capable of solving even her own problems, and that she could listen to me and somehow be more organized and collect less gossip and be indignant, and be more involved in her own life. In the end, I bought my mother an apartment, I take care of her because she is sick, I solve all the problems, and so the problem with her was resolved. All this no longer irritates me, since she has a very serious incurable disease and it seems like there’s nothing to talk about, the person is sick. My husband and I think that we live too well, that is, we should be more modest. But we don’t drive expensive cars or spend money unreasonably. But we buy good furniture and equipment, and clothes, go to paid dentistry, etc., that is, we are a modern family that does everything ourselves and does not expect anything from anyone. But we must remember what country we live in and there is no need to get used to good things. And in the end (for example, this case is one of many), when buying a kitchen, I threw a tantrum that it was very expensive, although neither the price at that time nor the company had been agreed upon, but I was sure that he would order the most expensive and we wouldn’t be able to pay for it. Why? I don't know. He is a decisive person who can be relied upon; I am not required to make such decisions. Why couldn’t I say - honey, it’s expensive, we need to consider other options. Answer: because he won't listen to me. But there was never a time when he didn’t listen to me. He sometimes jokes with me that I’m a terrible money-eater, but this doesn’t concern serious issues, these are jokes about the fact that I don’t want to pay for SMS from the bank for 60 rubles. or that I’m the same old woman who finds out where things are cheaper and goes to the other end of the city, etc. Sometimes I get angry with him, why he can buy himself an expensive sweater, but I can’t. But this has nothing to do with the ban or lack of money. It's just that he can, but I can't. He's a cool guy, and I'm a poor guy. I had panic attacks before, which also lasted 3 days, the same cycle as I described. My specific question is how to be myself all the time, the calm, reasonable person that I am. How to be calmer about everyday difficulties? Thank you in advance.
Question author: Ekaterina Age: 34
How to become a non-groomer: advice from a psychologist
The ability to remain detached is a sign of a mature person. Will psychology answer how to become a non-giver and will it help with this? In general, yes, although this term has not yet entered psychological dictionaries and is not officially recognized. But this science has other tools and definitions that will help achieve the goal.
For example, the question “how to start treating everything more simply?” is similar to “how to make it so that you don’t care.” To successfully fight the negativity around you, you need to realize how detrimentally the environment affects the psyche, how it absorbs and gradually erases your personality, turning you into a convenient addition.
Yes, yes, if you want to learn not to give a fuck, you will have to become inconvenient for some people. Colleagues who are accustomed to dumping their work on you or bosses who are squeezing out all the juice are unlikely to be happy about such changes.
The “beloved” mother-in-law will be shocked and amazed at the new quality of her son-in-law. If previously it was possible to put pressure on the conscience, induce a feeling of guilt, or simply force one to take certain actions, now this trick will not work. Working on yourself will require willpower.
How to become a person who doesn’t give a damn, advice from psychologists and those who have taken this path:
1. Accept that you are now different from the gray mass. A person who doesn’t care can’t be “like everyone else” and you have to come to terms with this. You need to believe in your uniqueness. This is a manifestation of healthy selfishness.
2. Realize that no one is perfect. If anyone says otherwise, he is lying. And in general, everyone lies. Some intentionally, some unknowingly. In any case, you shouldn’t believe everyone.
3. Don't admire what someone else likes out of a desire to please and please. Look for a response in your own soul. Music, art, politics - only your perception should matter to you.
4. If there is no way to influence the course of events, change your own attitude towards what is happening. There are people who are much worse off than you right now. Only death cannot be corrected; everything else can be corrected.
5. You should not cultivate envy in yourself. A person who envies others is not capable of becoming a non-giver. Nobody owes you anything, you have what fate has offered.
6. Don’t take everything to heart and don’t take any attacks from others personally. If they don't like something, that's their problem, not yours.
Not caring is not coldness or indifference, it is a way of thinking and worldview. Such people are able to show empathy, love, and care. Their difference is that they do all this voluntarily, without coercion. It is their choice, and they are free to do so. That's why many people are so jealous of people who don't give a damn.
How to learn not to give a damn and not turn into an insensitive cynic? It is important not to cross the line beyond which there is aggression and anger. These two feelings will never help in achieving the goal; they have a detrimental effect on the psyche and destroy a person from the inside.
The dissatisfaction and anger that sit in the soul have nothing to do with detachment and a sense of emotional balance. Many psychologists of our time think about this phenomenon, and there is even a book on how to become a non-giver - a guide to action.
Living Without Anger: How to Stay Calm in Turbulent Situations
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Photo: Maria Pavlova
Have you ever felt angry and then regretted it? Probably everyone has experienced such a situation. Our anger causes our loved ones, co-workers or passers-by to suffer. This natural human emotion can destroy even the strongest relationships. Its negative impact is difficult to overestimate. Therefore, it is important to figure out how to live without anger, remaining calm in turbulent situations.
What is anger?
Anger is one of the strong destructive emotions that is a reaction of pride. Anger arises when deep inside we are confident in our abilities and want everything to happen exclusively according to our “scenario”. If the people around us do not act in accordance with our desires and plans, then strong internal dissatisfaction and resistance arise, the external manifestation of which is anger.
In any life situation, we always face a choice of what to do. Acting consciously or unconsciously from a position of pride, it becomes impossible to accept an unexpected state of affairs. A difficulty, a test, a blow of fate comes, and it seems to us that this is unfair. Pride manifests itself when we put ourselves at the center of the world and want only positive events to happen in our lives, all desires to come true, circumstances and people to serve for our pleasure.
The mood of pride, which results in anger, can be seen in various modern techniques and methods of success, which teach how to fulfill any desires and adjust thinking. Unfortunately, in such cases the expediency and usefulness of the desires themselves for the development of personality is not questioned. A desire that must be fulfilled is considered important. When the desired is not realized or is realized in a form that does not correspond to the plans, resentment or anger arises.
Humility is the best cure for anger
Acting from a position of pride, we want to subjugate the world, we oppose ourselves to life. It always ends in disappointment and disappointment. But there is also an arc choice of behavior - humility. Sometimes we can confuse humility with weakness or a passive attitude in life. But that's not true.
True humility is a quality that allows you to live in harmony with the world around you and according to the laws of the universe; it is an active life position. This mindset allows you to accept life in its natural course. Acting humbly means respecting reality without resisting what is happening. Each event, according to the laws of abundance and love, leads to our development, to the fact that something good comes into life. And even if it seems that everything is bad, we must remember that we do not see the full picture. Any situation is useful because of its experience and the opportunity to work on your qualities.
Being in humility and trusting the turns of life, it is important to accept events with love and gratitude, seeing the Higher will in everything.
How to stay calm and not get angry
1. Acceptance of the situation
As mentioned above, first of all, when unforeseen situations arise that could lead to anger, you need to learn to accept what is happening. If inside we act from a position of humility, acceptance, openness to Higher powers, then the understanding naturally comes that any event is “for the good”, for growth and development. If we choose this behavior, then there is no room for anger - no struggle, no complaints.
For example, you were accidentally hit by a stranger who was passing by in a hurry. Acting from a position of pride, you can begin to be indignant or even start a fight. However, as we know, this will not lead to anything good. Accepting this situation means treating the passerby with understanding. Perhaps his haste and inattention are caused by important circumstances or problems.
If we choose this behavior, then there is no room for anger - no struggle, no complaints.
2. Realizing that this is a lesson
If there is a negative state of affairs, in our opinion, that could cause anger, we should look at it as a lesson and see the manifestation of the Higher Meaning. Even if it is not yet clear what good the situation can lead us to, we need to realize that everything is given for our education and improvement of character qualities.
For example, you feel like you are constantly being criticized or judged. If this is the behavior you cannot accept, and it causes anger, then this is an important lesson that life wants to teach you. By realizing that criticism and condemnation often comes from your mouth towards others, and by working on negative character traits, it will be easier for you to accept comments, which, by the way, can often be constructive.
Life seems to put a mirror in front of us, pointing out those moments that need to be worked on. Any suffering and failure on the external level shows our internal destructive beliefs.
3. Trust in life
Trusting life and understanding that the world, through the energy of abundance, gives us the best, allows us to open up to new events that bring benefit to all areas of activity. Trusting life means being flexible, balanced in unexpected circumstances, humbly accepting the course of life as it is.
Has it ever happened that you were laid off from your job or things went really badly with your activities? This is a typical situation for many. At first it could cause a lot of indignation and anger, but later, it usually turns out that at this place all possibilities for implementation have been exhausted, and the new work turned out to be better than the previous one.
Try to trust everything that happens for at least one day, without resisting circumstances and observing how harmoniously, easily and according to the Highest laws everything develops around you. And you will see how much good and amazing things can come into your life!
4. Gratitude
Any situation, even the most painful one, should be perceived with gratitude. Failures, trials, illnesses, betrayal - often it is such difficult turns of fate that teach us tolerance and help us take the first steps on the path of self-awareness.
Imagine that your wallet has been stolen. The first reaction to such an incident is usually anger. By accepting the situation as it is, and seeing the will of the Higher Powers in it, you will be able to realize that in this way the “excess” was taken from you. As they say, money is better than, for example, health.
The ability to thank life for trials is a quality of strong-willed people. It comes when we choose humility instead of an attitude of pride. Humility is the attitude of a student that allows him to endure difficulties with dignity and be sincerely grateful for them.
5. Calmness
By changing your internal ideas, you will acquire new behavioral skills. Instead of pain, rejection, anger, you will be able to calmly react to the most unexpected and unpleasant circumstances.
For example, previously you could not get out of conflicts with dignity and responded with anger to aggression. By practicing humility, trust in life and gratitude, you will learn to behave calmly in conflict situations, finding a reasonable way out of the problem.
When calmness becomes your natural reaction, the need for such lessons will be exhausted, and the situation on the external plane will also change. There will be fewer reasons to worry, and more reasons to be happy.
Accept life with love and gratitude and be happy!
How to become a girl who doesn't give a damn
It is much more difficult for girls to step on this path of self-improvement. If only because women are more emotional and impulsive, they are rarely friendly with logic and perceive reasonable arguments with doubt. Indifference comes from the mind, not from the heart, and requires a cold mind at least at first.
To the question of how to become a non-giver and not get upset, you can answer this way: don’t get hung up on what’s happening and don’t be tormented by feelings of guilt. A good example of a woman’s healthy indifference is Scarlett O’Hara from the book “Gone with the Wind.” She very competently distanced herself from current problems, saying to herself: “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” She didn't waste her emotions, she used her mind.
How to become a non-giveer in a relationship? Maintain the remnants of reason (although this is difficult to do when passion is raging in the blood) and do not allow yourself to be manipulated. No man is worth being turned into a doll that he controls. The tips listed just above will help with this.
Carolina Korableva
About the author: Hello! I am Karolina Korableva. I live in the Moscow region, in the city of Odintsovo. I love life and people. I try to be realistic and optimistic in life. What I value in people is their ability to behave. I am interested in psychology, in particular conflictology. Graduated from RGSU, Faculty of Occupational Psychology and Special Psychology.
Healthy indifference, how is that?
Usually, few people like people who don’t care, they consider them indifferent, and normal people consider those who are endlessly “worried” with or without reason. People who don't give a damn are often called “thick-skinned.”
Someone is like that, indifferent and thick-skinned. But for some reason they are actually healthier than their restless comrades. And all this is because they have a healthy indifference.
Healthy people who don’t give a damn, as a rule, do not bury their heads in the sand, but simply calmly try to solve problems, and do not say that “everything is bad”, that “we weren’t rich, so it’s not worth trying.”
Healthy indifference allows people to try, search for themselves, make mistakes, lose something, but not be upset about it “for the rest of their lives.” And move on.
