The wedding festivities are over, leaving behind the excitement, preparations and one of the most important events in life - your family’s birthday. The first family days have arrived. Or you haven’t registered your relationship with the registry office yet, but have decided to start living together and have just moved your things into your shared apartment. Most often, the first days and weeks of life together pass in a romantic aura. After all, you fall asleep and wake up together for the first time, drink morning coffee in the kitchen together, cook dinner, watch movies in the evenings... Life together is very exciting and pleasant at first. But, unfortunately, often only at first.
After the ball…
After a couple of months, you suddenly begin to notice that your loved one’s clothes can be found in any part of the apartment, even in the most unexpected ones; after eating, he regularly “forgets” to wash the dishes after himself, and on your shelf, in addition to underwear, dirty men’s socks appear out of nowhere. . If at first you simply don’t pay attention to such little things, then after a few months they begin to irritate. You and your newly-made spouse begin to quarrel and argue over an unwashed cup or dirty floor in the living room... This is how everyday problems begin.
Everyday life is not always a romantic, but an integral part of life together. There is no need to be afraid of such first “grinding in”, but it is important to go through them correctly, without spoiling the newly formed fragile relationship. A lot of divorces were recorded in the first years of life of young spouses. Most often they occur on a domestic basis, when a young husband and wife cannot cope with the first difficulties that arise.
Roles in the family: how to find yours
A family role is a way of behavior of a person that corresponds to the norms accepted in the family, depending on the position he occupies in the system of relations. We choose our role long before we start thinking about the future with a specific person. And above all, this is influenced by the parental family, its internal structure, the relationship between mother and father.
Let us turn to the literature for a simple example. For example, the role of Bluebeard's wife - it was not by chance that the heroine got it. This is a woman who lives with a powerful and dominant man. He cares, but at the same time he suppresses, controls, and is psychologically (and sometimes physically) aggressive. The wife’s actions are as follows: she cries, complains, is often sad, thinks about how to earn the Beard’s praise, and emotionally rejoices at his gifts and kind words. Now let’s see how this relates to the parental family.
It is logical to assume that such a role in the family is organic for those who lived in a similar situation in childhood. Overbearing father, suppressed quiet mother. Or, on the contrary, the father was very soft, affectionate, and compliant. And his active and active mother constantly told him: “You can’t do anything forever,” she started quarrels, showed obvious interest in other, “real” men, and cited them as an example. The girl, although she loved her dad, subconsciously began to weed out similar representatives of the stronger sex. By adulthood, she clearly knew that as a life partner she wanted to have “a solid shoulder, a core of character and so that she could hit the table with her fist - and that’s all.” She saw herself perfectly in the role of a weak and gentle creature, happy, but just a little suffering from misunderstanding. If mom and dad had divorced and not played the role of a female leader all their lives, then the choice, quite possibly, would have been different.
Roles in the family: who is in charge?
What are the roles in a family? First of all, basic ones, with their traditional functions. The husband provides financially for the family and makes the final decisions. The wife takes care of home comfort, cooking, takes care of the children and, as a rule, also makes her contribution to the “household piggy bank.”
Meanwhile, modernity makes its own adjustments to the usual family scenario: the main “breadwinner” and owner of a highly paid job may be the wife, and the husband in this case partially or completely takes on her household responsibilities. By the way, this practice is widespread abroad, especially in Scandinavian countries. And dad “going on maternity leave” is a normal phenomenon there. If this suits the couple, and the husband has a business in which he is successful and can prove himself, then changing roles in the family does not threaten a strong marriage. If this arrangement does not suit one spouse or both, which manifests itself in quarrels about “who is in charge,” then this option needs to be adjusted. Otherwise, prolonged disharmony can destroy the family, and besides, this is not the most suitable role model for children.
Roles in the family: carbon copy and exactly the opposite?
Very often, children, becoming adults, copy the experience of their parents’ families and take on the roles played by their father or mother (for example, a henpecked father - a fighting mother; a father is “like the head of the family” - a mother is an eminence grise; a father-commander - mother - “lieutenant at attention”, etc.). Therefore, it is better to get to know your chosen one’s parental family early and learn its traditions. But it must be said that there are often cases when children “do the opposite” if they categorically did not like the way their parents lived. For example, if mom constantly yelled at dad and humiliated him, then the daughter may want to prevent this from happening in her family, and as an adult she will consciously cultivate respect for her husband, control her outbursts of anger, so as not to repeat the family picture that traumatized her. in childhood.
Everyone to rehearsal!
When communication with potential partners becomes closer, roles are honed and adjusted. The initial period of a relationship is also, to a certain extent, a rehearsal of the family role. Even at the moment of meeting, we unconsciously evaluate how we will “play” together: whether we are suitable for each other or not. “Absolutely my man. We’ve known each other for half an hour, but it seems like we’ve been together all our lives.”
Such a phrase means the following: personality traits, attitudes, ideas, behavior - everything corresponds to what we need in our role. Sometimes this means similarity, sometimes it means addition. So, for example, in terms of attitude towards people and education, we more often want to see what is called an equal. To speak the same language.
But in terms of the expression of leadership qualities, in terms of the ability to take responsibility, it’s the opposite. Relatively speaking, in a combat battle, two people cannot shout at once: “Follow me!” That is, they can, of course, but it will be more dangerous than interesting. Both cannot be indecisive and modest. After all, in this case nothing will happen at all.
It is no coincidence that the initial period of living together is called grinding in. At this time, the husband and wife must adjust their aspirations, plans, habits, so that eventually the pieces of the puzzle (their individual lives) form a common picture - a family. And everyone should play their role in it - preferably with pleasure. But this doesn't always happen.
Roles in the family: plot-role conflict
“Andrey and I got married two years ago. He is a musician, an esthete. At the beginning of the relationship, he said, casually, that his woman should always be on top. I was very much in love then and therefore did everything to live up to his ideal. For example, I got up before him, put on makeup, cooked breakfast for him - through effort, because I love to sleep. I did fitness to be slimmer - for him, I read and watched what was interesting to him. And now, it seems, I’m close to a breakdown, some kind of apathy and anger... I’m tired of pretending to be “Lady Perfection”, I want to be myself, to live in my own way.”
Marina, 30 years old
A family is a living organism that changes over time, adapting to realities. However, no one is immune from problems. Conflicts manifest themselves in different ways, being obvious and hidden. Sometimes a person doesn’t even feel any negativity, and suddenly in an instant he realizes: “This is not my life!” But more often, the discrepancy between our real role and what we want is still felt:
- through protracted quarrels that do not bring emotional relief;
- through frequently occurring situations when the planned event is very, in most respects, disappointing (“I wanted to show concern, but no one even appreciated it”);
- through a general feeling of dissatisfaction (“everything is somehow wrong”);
- through envy of other families and relationships;
- through poor health (headache, lethargy, tension).
A role that is mentally challenging and requires too much energy on a physical level. If any of the above happens often, or even more so, all the “symptoms” occur, then there is no point in simply waiting for everything to resolve itself. A prolonged role crisis leads to the fact that a person either leaves the performance himself, unable to cope with the workload, or is asked to do so.
Therefore, it makes sense to agree on what kind of family you and your future husband envision while still “on the shore,” before marriage. And it is very important to take a closer look at his parents, their family structure. After all, a family is a long-term project, especially if children are planned in it.
Stay home, woman!
“While we lived without children, everything was fine. My husband did not create any obstacles to my working. But when the conversation came up about going on maternity leave, he suddenly said: “That’s it, you can quit right away now. How why? A normal woman should take care of children. My family has been doing this for several generations.” That is, I should give up my career, interests, give up all my studies simply because of the traditions of his family? In my opinion, this is wrong. But I haven’t been able to convince my husband yet.”
Anna, 28 years old
What is the problem? You are offered the role of “hostess and mommy.” I want to combine self-realization and family life.
Why did the conflict of interest arise? The family is a traditional structure that strives to preserve relationships and norms. We are ready to demonstrate tolerance and acceptance of innovations in words and when it comes to other people. But in our family we want everything to be “as it should be.” So your husband found himself in this situation. For the time being, he was fine with your employment, but then, when a new factor arose - pregnancy, stereotypes came into play that a woman’s place was at home.
How to proceed? Speak directly. Express your comments, suggestions and expectations to your husband. Men value directness and logic. Let’s say one of the arguments could be like this: “I will explain why the prospect of returning to work after maternity leave is important to me. You loved me for who I am - with passion in my profession, content with such a life. If I give up self-realization, I will lose an important part of myself and will no longer be the woman you loved. And I don’t want you to lose interest in me.”
Make it clear that you are ready to compromise. You don’t have to prevaricate, since you are still going on maternity leave, which means you will take care of the child and the house, as your husband wants. So tell him: “I’m glad that we will have a baby and that I will be able to devote more time to the family during these 1.5 years, this is a considerable period.”
Show that you need support. And be sure to add affectionately and with a smile: “But it will still be easier for me if I know that I can return to work, and you will support me in this.”
And not a friend, and not an enemy, but so...
My husband and I are hikers. This hobby brought us together at one time. We always understood each other, were never dependent on comfort and big money... We were married for 10 years, it didn’t work out with children, but we tried not to get hung up. And three months ago I found out that I was pregnant. Words are not enough to convey my shock... Of course, I had to give up going on trips, I was already in storage twice. But my husband, it seems, was not affected by the change in our lives. He still goes to the mountains with friends as if nothing had happened. He doesn't have a permanent job. I need his help in everyday life, financially, but he doesn’t want to change anything. The baby will be born, he says, then we’ll see...
Svetlana, 35 years old
What is the problem? In your marriage, you and your husband played the role of friends sharing common interests. Now you are mastering a new family role - a future mother, but he does not want to leave the role of “just a friend” and get acquainted with the role of a responsible husband and father.
Why did the conflict of interest arise? Very often, people get married just to be together and enjoy it, but without fully realizing that marriage imposes certain obligations on them. And they are fully felt when a child is about to appear in the family. Husband and wife are preparing to take on new family roles - father and mother. The first should provide financially for the family, the second should take care of the interests of the baby and, since in your case, the lifestyle has become “sedentary,” about the house. However, changes in family roles rarely occur simultaneously. Therefore, when one of the partners suddenly declares: “That’s it! Enough!" (or does not declare, but simply acts differently than before), this causes bewilderment for the other. With a change of role, you will have to change habits, lifestyle, renew relationships, and this is not so easy. Especially when in a new role there is less attention and involvement in relationships.
How to proceed? Clarify the situation. Ask your husband a direct question: “How do you see our future, given the changes in our lives that have occurred?” Let him think about it and reassess his values. In fact, his reluctance to change his lifestyle is understandable. For many years, everyone was happy with everything: hiking, modest earnings, common aspirations. And then suddenly you’re pregnant, there’s no baby yet, but something needs to seriously change.
Express your sympathy. There is no need to immediately criticize the “irresponsible” position of your spouse and force him to justify himself. This is not constructive. You can start like this: “I understand that it’s not easy for you to change the way of life to which we are accustomed, but now there will be three of us. You can't turn a blind eye to this. Think about what steps you are ready to take given the fact that we need more money, and I need your help?”
Try using the self-fulfilling prophecy mechanism. People tend to exhibit the behavior that we expect from them. Let your husband feel that you believe in him and don’t rush it. Remain friendly, interested in his affairs, let him understand that he is “a sensitive, reliable, wonderful husband who will later become a caring father.” Gradually one gets used to the role, and in the future it is performed easily and with pleasure.
If people love each other and are determined to overcome difficulties and change together, then patience, restraint, the ability to give in, negotiate, and show attention will help them ultimately master all family roles.
Brothers and sisters - to be continued...
There is an opinion among psychologists that the family role is influenced by the position a person occupied in the parental family in relation to his brothers or sisters, if he had them.
- For example, an older brother who had a younger sister can create a stable union with his wife, who also had an older brother. He is used to making decisions, protecting, and for her it is natural to accept care. These relationships are called complementary - complementary. Each of the partners in the parental family was already in a similar “situation”, which makes it easier for them to live together in the “roles” of husband and wife. Similarly, a younger brother who has an older sister expects his wife to take care of him, to look after him. It is natural for a wife who had a younger brother in her parental family to show a similar attitude towards her husband, maintaining the same behavior; the union will be stable and harmonious.
- And, accordingly, it will not be easy to find a common language for a woman who was an older sister in her parental family and a man who was an older brother. Both are accustomed to being leaders, and here they will have to agree on who will give in to whom in family life.
So that life doesn’t get stuck
It is possible and necessary to deal with everyday problems. If you resolve your relationship in this matter, it will be much easier for the two of you to move on through life together. How to cope with everyday problems?
- Don't get hung up. There is no need to perceive every sock found out of place as a worldwide disaster. You need to tell your loved one that you don’t like it, but you should do it carefully—without scolding.
- Don't make scandals. If a scandal breaks out over an unwashed cup, this is not normal. Learn to resolve problems and conflicts peacefully, without raising your tone. You can always talk and discuss any conflict situation calmly.
- Analyze your own behavior. It often happens that we see a “mote in the eye” of the other half, but do not notice the log in ours. We're not perfect either. “He found a hair in the sink and is nagging,” you grumble, “I’d better put the dirty shirt in the basket.” Or maybe you should take a closer look at the sink, and following your example, your husband will begin to clean up his dirty things?
- Look for compromises. Each of you stands on your own. Everyone is right in their own way. Sometimes it is easier to give in and avoid a fight or try to compromise. For example, he washes the dishes, and in return you bake his favorite pies. Remember that in a couple you do not need to pursue the goal of being the main one. It is important to maintain harmony.
- Be in love. Here's some simple advice. Do not worry. Remember that in front of you is not a pest and a furious destroyer of order, but a dear person in whom even his shortcomings are loved. If you have no desire to come to terms with your spouse’s lifestyle and behavior, then perhaps the person next to you is not your person...
“They didn’t get along” or “the relationship broke down in everyday life” - these are excuses from couples who truly did not value their union and did not strive with all their might to preserve it. Moreover, such a desire must necessarily be mutual. Then your family boat will never break on the rock of everyday life.
How does your family cope with everyday difficulties?
Simple solutions to small household problems
At home there is always something to fix and fix - frankly, there are so many things that it’s exhausting to count. If every time you open a squeaky door you think, “Damn, I’m so tired of this!”, then it’s time to stop and solve the problem right now.
Don't have time? Do you think that someday on Saturday you will gather your courage and deal with all the little things in one go? Remember how many times you have already made this promise to yourself. Most of the small, annoying ones - not even problems, but problems that seem to be not serious enough to seriously think about - can be solved in a couple of minutes, and much easier than you think.
Photo: iris
Creaky floorboards
Creaky floors in a country house or in an old house can, of course, be used as a free alarm - you will always hear if someone is sneaking up on your bed at night. But for the most part, they are still rather annoying and tiring. You get up at night to drink water and sneak around like a ninja in your own house - God forbid, the creak wakes up the dog, and the dog wakes up the whole neighborhood. There is also no point in playing blind man's buff - you can immediately hear who is in which direction. Well, we should also feel sorry for teenage children - it’s impossible to sneak out of the house at night on creaky floors. Fortunately, there is a simple and quick solution to this problem. It is enough to sprinkle talcum powder on the cracks between the floorboards - and this annoying squeak will no longer bother you.
Dripping wax
Candles are great for creating atmosphere and mood, whether it's a birthday party, a scary ghost story, or a romantic dinner. However, dripping wax or stearin can ruin this mood if the drops get on a birthday cake, carpet or sofa. This problem can be easily avoided if you put the candles in the refrigerator a few hours before the holiday. In principle, if there is enough space in the refrigerator, candles can be stored there permanently so that they are always ready. Just remember to keep them in an airtight container to prevent the candles from permeating your food (and vice versa).
Photo: decor8 holly
Creaky doors
The problems with squeaky interior doors are the same as with floorboards. If you need to sneak from room to room unnoticed - well, let's say, to surprise you and bring your beloved coffee in bed - there is a way out. All you need is ordinary vegetable oil applied to the hinges - and the door will open and close without a single sound.
Withered flowers
Someone suddenly decided to surprise you and gave you a bouquet? It’s wonderful and touching, but after a couple of days the surprise will be forgotten, the water in the vase will turn green, and the flowers will wither. It's not your fault, it's the law of nature. Our little trick will help you delay the inevitable and show the person who presented the bouquet that you appreciate their attention. Add a little vodka - this will prevent the water from blooming and keep the flowers fresh for several days longer.
Photo: decor8 holly
Stubborn screwdrivers
Isn’t it true, dear ladies, a man will never believe that what prevents you from unscrewing a screw is not a lack of strength, but an insufficient grip on the screwdriver handle? Well, let him feel like a real man, let him try it himself and make sure that the handle is really uncomfortable.
There is an elementary way to simplify your life and preserve his self-esteem. Wrap a thick rubber band to improve grip and help remove stubborn screws.
Rusty tools
When purchasing a tool set, think about where you will store it. If it is a balcony or a garage, experts from the How Stuff Works portal advise putting a piece of chalk or charcoal , which will absorb excess moisture and help the tools not to rust. If this does not help, then the rust can be removed by mixing salt and lemon juice in a ratio of 6:2. You need to rub the resulting paste into the rust with a dry cloth, then rinse and wipe dry.
Dried brushes
After a long day of painting, who wants to hunch over the sink washing off their brushes? The problem is that unwashed bristles will dry out completely and the brush will be useless. However, do not rush to throw it away. You can try softening the bristles in hot vinegar and then using a wire brush to separate the hairs and remove any remaining dried paint. So next time you will again be able to afford not to wash your brushes after painting, instead enjoying the contemplation of the results of your painting work.
Photo: decor8 holly
Alexey Petropavlovsky
20.05.2016
