Child from 1 to 3: why does he fight and throw toys?

Causes of aggression

Just as a child’s game of war cannot be taken seriously as an attempt on the lives of the participants in the battle, not every blow is a sign of a child’s aggression towards loved ones .

How can you recognize when it’s time for your child to explain the boundaries for his behavior desired by those around him and what his attempts to behave rudely with others really mean?

Of course, if the child is too small and is not yet able to not only evaluate his actions, but even has difficulty controlling his own hands, no one is safe from accidental hits in the face.

But if in the future adults do not show that such actions are an undesirable phenomenon, then the habit can take hold in the subconscious of the little person and become a completely acceptable practice for him.

Why do children hit their parents?

Age 1-2 years:

1. In infants, coordination of movements is far from perfect , so all blows that occur are on the conscience of the adult caring for the child.
2. Children one year old and a little older begin to socialize and try to determine their place in the family through aggression. This is not a pathology, but a sign of the natural development of the child.
   To avoid problems in the future, the process must be monitored and used for educational purposes.
3. One of the adults taught the child a game conventionally called “punish mom and dad,” or he himself behaves aggressively towards them. And the child reads the information and copies the behavior.

Age 3-4 years:

1. Spoiledness and permissiveness , lack of an adequate response to aggression towards an adult.
2. Hysterical character.
   An instantly excited psyche requires a quick release, so the process is poorly controlled by consciousness and is not regulated by internal “brakes” that appeared due to upbringing.
3. A tense family situation or even violence: what the child sees is what he reproduces.
4. Developmental deviation. Children with serious mental illness cannot control their behavior.

Age 5-6 years:

Preschoolers already understand well the difference between permissible and impermissible behavior if they grew up in an adequate environment.

Therefore, any non-playful attempts to hit an adult or parent are a sign of a serious problem .

• the child is allowed to do everything, which is why he is accustomed to the fact that no one can tell him;
• deviation in mental development;
• living in a family where demonstrations of violence and aggression are normal practice;
• access to violent videos.

Why does a one-year-old baby hit his mother in the face?

While he is just beginning to explore the world, slapping the face is a way of understanding the world and one of the few forms of protest available to a child at the moment. The child does not yet fully realize that in the adult world this is a way of expressing insult, humiliation and aggression.

But in any case, it is strictly forbidden to transform an accidental blow into a game format, inciting the child to repeat spankings in the face of the mother or another person again and again.

The child may begin to develop an essentially disgusting habit of getting pleasure from hitting someone. In the future, this skill base may be the reason for a poorly realized but persistent urge to bully someone.

An intentional blow should be stopped with words indicating your dissatisfaction with such behavior and blocking the raised arm and leg for a second action.

If a child persistently tries to perform a blow and succeeds, you can counter the manipulation with a response action . Naturally, not in full force, but noticeable.

For example, tap the handle with your finger and strictly say that you can’t do that. Even without yet understanding the meaning of many words, when children reach the age of one year, they already perfectly recognize intonations and are able to respond to them correctly.

Why does a child hit his mother?

At a certain period of their development, children can show their emotions in actions that are unacceptable in society, so they try to cope with surging emotions, express protest or resentment, or simply test the boundaries of what is permitted.

Release of emotions

Young children do not know how to control their emotions, and often during active games a child of 2-3 years old hits his mother. This does not happen out of malice, and the baby does not want to cause pain at all, he is simply looking for a way out of an emotional outburst in such an accessible way. In essence, nothing bad happens, but sometimes such attacks can be quite painful, and as the child grows up, he will accept this behavior as the norm, which can cause conflicts with his peers on the playground or in the garden.

Sometimes the reason for this behavior is the parents themselves, who strive to pinch the one-year-old baby, crush it, bite it , everything naturally comes from an overabundance of feelings and surging parental love, accompanied by smiles and jokes. But the baby remembers this pattern of behavior, and this is a ready answer to the question why a one-year-old child beats his mother.

In order not to further aggravate the current situation, start with yourself, try to control your emotions and show your love for your son or daughter with hugs, kisses and gentle words, then the baby will follow your example and do the same.

But if the problem already exists, it is necessary to make it clear as soon as possible that this is not worth doing.

How to react if a child hits his mother? To begin with, you should tell your child that you don’t like this behavior, but you shouldn’t scold him, since it’s not him who is bad, but his action. Explain to the baby that it is better to hug parents and not hit them, show how to do this. If the child does not understand and continues to hit his mother in the face, you need to let him go, or move away while once again explaining the reason why you do not want to communicate with him.

Protest

Often parents, worried about the safety of their child, are overly strict and limit their life with prohibitions. Being in such an environment, the baby constantly hears: you can’t, don’t go, don’t take, which creates psychological pressure and prevents development. And if a one-year-old child hits his mother in the face, having fun or not realizing the seriousness of his act, then a 4-year-old child deliberately hits his mother out of a feeling of protest and disagreement with the established rules. Essentially, this is how the baby is trying to defend his right to be a child, and in some ways he is right, if you do not take into account the methods of his struggle.

If a child hits his mother in response to a remark, how should he behave? It no longer matters what the remark was, whether it was fair or whether the mother simply asked him not to throw toys around, the baby no longer hears his parents. There should not be many prohibitions; for children under 4–5 years old, you cannot say the word “no” more than five times during the day. Try to find compromises, smooth out rough edges, and make fewer comments. The reaction to the fact that the baby hit should be a dialogue, because this is what the baby lacks - to be heard, to listen to his opinion, to take into account his wishes. If the response to the blow is anger, or a scream or a retaliatory blow, perhaps the baby will no longer dare to do this, fearing the reaction of the parents, but the reason that led to such a reaction will remain, and perhaps will result in a more serious problem in the future. As practice shows, children who grew up in too strict families become uncontrollable in adolescence.

Aggression

Probably all parents, to one degree or another, have encountered the problem of aggression. The baby is angry with you, he may offend another child, hurt an animal, or demonstratively break a toy. There are many reasons for this behavior. It is important that it does not become fixed and does not become the main way of expressing the child’s feelings.

Investigating the reasons that contribute to the formation of aggression in childhood, many researchers (B. Kraihi, N.M. Platonova, R. Baron, etc.) are of the opinion that the main model of such behavior is the family. The family may show coldness, indifference or hostility on the part of parents, negative assessments, suppression, disrespect for the child’s personality, emotional rejection of the child, conflict, excessive control or complete absence of it, excess or lack of attention from parents, prohibition of physical activity, aggressive father's relationship to mother.

An inadequate family parenting style is considered one of the main reasons for a child’s aggressive behavior. Research shows that parents of aggressive children are often laissez-faire or give too much freedom, even to the point of not paying attention to the child at all.

If a 3-4 year old child hits his mother during an outburst of aggression, what should he do?

According to leading psychiatrists at the Moscow City Psychological and Pedagogical University, firmly say “no”, reinforcing your actions by holding the child’s hand and making an expressive gesture. Under no circumstances give back! the child will not comprehend your “educational” technique, but will do the same, imitating your behavior / L.G. Borodina, E.N. Soldatenkova / Adults need to remember that sharp suppression of aggression and severe punishment can lead to the consolidation of negative behavior. An adult prone to severe retribution unwittingly sets an example of aggressiveness for the child. It is known that children who often observe the “anger” of significant adults adopt the form of their behavior. The lack of punishment also leads to the consolidation of aggressiveness. Psychologists HH Zavadenko and T.Yu. Uspenskaya (see Dubrovina I.Vsoavt. Practical psychology of education. M., 1998) suggest, if possible, ignoring defiant actions of a child with signs of aggression (in acceptable forms) and encouraging his good behavior.

It is important to teach children to express their feelings correctly, to help the child learn to react to certain situations and environmental phenomena in an adequate form, and not to suppress their emotions. Do not evaluate the child’s feelings, do not demand that he not experience what he is currently experiencing. As a rule, violent reactions are the result of prolonged suppression of emotions.

The baby’s nervous system is not yet perfect and any stress in the form of family quarrels, moving, changing the daily routine can provoke a nervous breakdown, cause hysteria or aggression in him. As a rule, aggressive children throw out their negativity on those closest to them, or on those who cannot fight back. If mom understands and forgives everything, she becomes an object for beating.

Dr. Komarovsky advises: if a child hits his mother, give him change in return, since no pedagogical admonitions or persuasion will help. As Evgeniy Olegovich says, aggression is an instinct, and in response to your controlled aggression, children learn to understand that the strong must be respected. Perhaps the doctor is right in some ways, and if a child of 1-5 years old beats his mother, then, having received in response, he may stop doing this, since another instinct will work - self-preservation, but the aggression will remain and will look for a way out elsewhere. Having concluded that the strong must be respected, he will understand that the weak can be offended. And then he will take out his bad mood or uncontrollable anger on children who do not know how, do not want or cannot give change, or on animals.

You need to teach the baby to cope with his feelings, and if he wants to hit, smash and break, buy him a punching bag and he can let off his steam without hurting anyone. It is even better over time to send such a child to a sports section, where, in addition to techniques and activities, the discipline of respect for others and the prohibition of using force against the weak are taught.

Checking the limits of what is permitted

Despite their character and personal qualities, children have a model of behavior that they were taught in the family. The time comes, and children begin to test the waters, unconsciously, but still trying to check what is allowed and where it is prohibited. So, if a 1-year-old child hits his mother in the face, from the outside it looks funny, but it is the parental reaction to such attacks that determines whether the baby will continue to do this. And if a child hits his mother at 2 years old, then most likely he will start doing this at 5 years old, since his mother allowed it.

What to do?

A child hits his parents when he freaks out: what to do? From the age of one and a half to two years, children quite consciously perceive themselves and the world around them within the family.

With proper upbringing, they already have some understanding of the boundaries of normal behavior, but, naturally, they are not always able to control their aggressiveness and other strong emotions.

But they are gradually learning the connection between bad behavior and subsequent punishment in the form of a ban on dessert, playing on the computer, etc.

Directly at the moment of hysteria, one of the options for an adult’s behavior may be to hug the child tightly and lock his arms and legs.

With a normal child’s psyche, such influence quickly has the desired effect, since it does not allow the child to go all out.

In addition, the calmness of an adult also has a positive effect.

What to do if a child is naughty? Read about it here.

What to do if a child throws

It often starts with the baby throwing toys out of his crib or throwing food while sitting in the high chair. Instead of just saying, “Oh, you threw away the toy. Do you want her to stay on the floor?” - Mom and Dad lift her up. Then the child understands: “Oh, this is a very funny game!” Sometimes it all starts with children - especially boys - throwing toys at someone (usually mom, because she's always there), as seen in the following letter:

“That's my problem. My son Beau, who is eighteen months old, has been throwing things for the past six months: during playtime, while eating, and worse, throwing toys at other people. I see that he is not doing this to cause pain. But he is a strong boy, and it hurts. In any case, this must end.

When he throws food, I tell him not to do it. I can even take some action: interrupt feeding, remove him, etc. But as for throwing toys, there is nothing I can do about it, except say: “Don’t throw toys at mom, it hurts her,” and take the toy away. But he finds another and rushes again! I can’t take all his toys away..."

This is another mother who chose the right path. Bo probably throws himself because he has discovered a new ability, not because he wants to hurt others. And his mother believes that this should be ended immediately.

The problem is that it doesn't offer any alternative to his behavior. In other words, she must show him situations in which it is acceptable to throw something without harming others. Ultimately, she cannot wean him off this completely, and she doesn’t need to - he’s a boy.

Therefore, mom needs to direct this ability in a different direction: give him five balls of different sizes that can be kicked or thrown. Take him outside and explain: “This is where you are allowed to throw balls.” If it's winter outside, you can take snowballs instead of balls. It is very important to find a completely different place so that he understands that this cannot be done at home (unless your place is spacious enough). When he throws the ball, praise him.

Since he's been throwing around for six months now - a third of Bo's life - I suspect he's already learned to turn it into a game and is pretty good at manipulating his mom. She should not only take away the toy he throws at her. Even if she is at home with the baby, she can take him out of a room where there are a lot of toys, into another room where there is nothing but boredom (for example, the living room), and sit with him. He is already eighteen months old - he will quickly understand that his mother will no longer tolerate such behavior.

How to behave?

Demonstrate to the child your dissatisfaction with the behavior using facial expressions and a stern voice.

It is advisable to block every blow with an interception, fix your arm or leg in the air and say out loud that you cannot behave this way.

In the absence of the desired reaction, warn the child about a subsequent retaliatory strike on your part if the child does not stop the attacks.

At the end of the acute phase of aggression, find out the cause of its occurrence and eliminate factors to prevent relapse.

It is important to get those around you (husband, other relatives) to adhere to the policy of resisting the child and humanely stopping aggression, and not encouraging him with statements like: “So she is!” Come on, come on! Here’s a naughty mom, come on, come on, spank her.”

A 1-year-old child fights – not funny!

For the first time, a child fights with mom or dad unconsciously. When a 1-year-old child hits his parents in the face with his palm, they do not experience pain. They are amused by the fact that the baby laughs boisterously, listening to the sound that his little hand makes. With all your appearance you show that his behavior is correct. Your thoughts are clear - what will a baby do to an adult? But are you doing the right thing? After all, with laughter and cheers you encourage the child to continue such actions. You should react to your baby's blows or bites correctly:

— Explain to your child that you are in pain in ways that are accessible to you and the child. Make a “sour face”, as if you are going to cry from pain or tell in words how unpleasant it is for you;

- Show how pleased you will be if the baby hugs you and strokes your face rather than hitting you.

The main thing is not to put restrictions and not to shout at the child, this will cause fear and the reaction will be the opposite. There should always be a fallback (alternative) action:

- Impact - stroking;

- Bite - kiss.

How to stop fighting with your parents?

Adhere to the same line of behavior as described above.

If the situation repeats frequently or in cases where the child continues to try to punish older relatives, it is better to consult a psychologist to determine the essence of the problem and the factor provoking such behavior.

Advice from psychologists:

1. Don't confuse a baby's occasional slap in the face with someone trying to hit you. But in any case, do not turn such actions into games if you do not want the formation of an incorrect behavioral matrix.
2. Pay attention to the point of uniform behavior of adults in this matter : any actions reminiscent of beating should not be used as an element of the game. Pillow fights, soft sword fights, boxing, and playful romp do not count.
3. The first cases of pugnacity may be a sign of interest in the breadth of the boundaries of acceptable behavior and a desire to clarify one’s position in the “pack.” Therefore, do not panic, but simply explain that you cannot behave this way and that you are the main one in the family, not the child.
4. Find out the reason for aggressive behavior.
   If you are spoiled, urgently and categorically change your parenting methods. If there is an aggressive atmosphere in the family, look for a way to change the situation. If you identify an irritating factor in the form of aggressive computer games or movies, eliminate it.
5. Seeing the child's accumulating irritation, give him the opportunity to run around to his heart's content or get carried away by active play .
6. Be sure to respond to unacceptable behavior and stop it at the beginning of the conflict.
7. Always try to find out the reason for anger .
8. Form in your child the concept that the feeling that has taken hold of him is anger and it is normal to feel it, but it is forbidden to manifest it in the form of physical punishment of someone else. Be sure to follow this line of behavior yourself.
9. Don't sort things out in front of your child. He will perceive aggression without even understanding the meaning of the words, and will definitely work it out with you or someone from the environment.

We react correctly

Of course, your reaction to the first case should be correct and pedagogical. After all, if in response to a painful blow you simply smile, the baby will learn that “punishment” gives you pleasure. In order for the baby to understand that hitting his mother is wrong, you will need to do consistent educational work.

In the first year, a child is just learning to communicate with others and gradually learns the rules of interaction with people. The child cannot understand them on his own, so your goal is to explain to him every minute what actions are allowed and what is prohibited. It is important to approach this issue carefully and seriously. If a child hits his mother or loved ones, offends pets or fights in the sandbox, you must strictly suppress such behavior. There should be no “discounts” for unreasonable age, otherwise the baby will learn in the first year that such actions are acceptable and will always behave aggressively.

1. In response to hitting your child, you should show him your true emotions. You must show the baby that you are very upset and were in pain. It will be great if your relatives, noticing that the baby hit you, come up and take pity on you. This way the baby will quickly realize that his actions caused you pain.
2. The reaction should be similar when a baby hits not his mother, but, for example, children in the sandbox or relatives. You should take pity on the offended child, explaining to your baby what pain he caused.
3. If a baby constantly fights with all adults, it is important to stop him in time, and, looking the child in the eyes, sternly say that you cannot hit a person and thereby hurt him. If this does not help, you should put the baby in a crib or playpen, as if “weaning” him from you for a short time. But as soon as the baby asks to come to you, you must take him in your arms and caress him so that the child knows that you are always there and love him.
4. The most important thing for a baby is communication with you. In response to the baby's blow, you can say that you were hurt, and then silently go about your business, thereby depriving him of your presence. Over time, the child will understand the connection between “crime and punishment” and will stop hitting you.
5. When no words help, the solution is to hold the child's hands until the child calms down. All this time, you must, with a serious expression on your face, sternly, but without raising your tone, tell the baby that you can’t hit your mother and that it hurts. It is important to demonstrate to your child that you will not allow yourself to be hit, but you will not reject him either.
6. Some parents show their child how it feels for them by hitting him lightly, but still quite noticeably, in response. Psychologists are against such a solution to the situation, but it is still effective. The child instantly, “in his own skin,” feels the pain of his actions towards others and stops fighting. The main thing is to consistently follow the rule of three pedagogical steps: explanation (“Don’t hit me, it hurts me”), warning (“You hit me again, and I’ll hit you back”) and action. At the same time, your answer should be quite painful for the baby; he will perceive gentle spankings as a game.

How to stop a 1-3 year old child from hitting his mother - the best ways to extinguish aggression

Psychological development of the baby

In order to better understand your child, it is worth familiarizing yourself with the stages of his mental development at two years. This will help not only to understand him and realize how best to build relationships with him, and what measures in education are best used.

So, the child undergoes the following developmental changes during this period:

• The beginnings of self-awareness and acceptance of oneself as an individual person are emerging. It’s easy to understand: in infancy, the baby and mother are one whole, and the child does not perceive, there is not even the beginning of the thought that the mother exists separately, and he exists separately. If breastfeeding occurs for a long time, then this relationship is prolonged. But from the moment the child learns to walk and the first attempts to speak appear, a crisis arises. There is a separation from the mother, and the process of self-awareness begins.
• At this age, active speech develops. Another very difficult and important moment for the baby is when he masters speech and is already learning to interact and come to mutual understanding. After all, quite often parents encounter aggression and even tears from the child when they do not understand him. He could easily come up and hit you out of indignation. In this case, parents should take the baby by the hand and explain that this is very bad behavior, and mom or dad doesn’t like it at all. And in order for his desires to be understood, it is necessary to ask the child to show or ask leading questions, but just not try to guess. Otherwise, the baby’s expectations will always be set on the fact that the parents must immediately guess what he needs.
• Thinking in children from 1-3 years old is visually effective and here, perhaps, the whole secret is hidden. See and do, repeat the same actions several times, consolidate your knowledge through actions. Intellectual development gradually occurs, and at the age of 2-2.5 years the baby already develops an internal plan of action. Moms and dads should clearly understand that for a baby to think means to understand the emotional connection and take certain actions in a certain situation, as he himself perceives it.
• And of course, emotional development at this age stage plays a big role not only in relationships, but also in understanding one’s desires. Children of this age are all self-centered, in other words, for them only their desires exist. Parents need to treat this with understanding and patience, but methodically and without negativity to explain how the child should act and react in a given situation. Yes, you shouldn’t expect that mom and dad will be heard right away, but repeated repetition and the same reaction of parents to the baby’s behavior will help develop the correct reflex and, over time, an understanding of the situation itself.

If parents understand how the baby perceives this situation, how exactly he sees it, then it will be much easier for them to choose words and, accordingly, react to his behavior.

It is necessary to understand some common situations of aggressive behavior in two-year-old children, and how a parent should respond to them.

Common mistakes parents make

Advice from psychologist Anastasia Umanskaya on what not to do if a baby hits his mother:

• The child is given change . Even a symbolic and weak blow in response only convinces the child of the correctness of the chosen tactics of behavior. He accepts the model as normal and will use it from time to time.
• They pretend to cry . A small child of one or two years old may really like that his actions cause such a reaction in his mother. It cannot be ruled out that the little robber will start beating his mother, so that later he can see her tears. The same applies to strong screams, screams (allegedly from pain), and so on.
• Press shame on such behavior . A child between 1 and 3 years old does not yet understand what shame is, so your words will not be heard.

If I can’t, I’ll do it out of spite!

A small child is a truly uncontrollable creature who actively explores the world around him, and parents so want to protect him from trouble. Therefore, they very often put prohibitions and obstacles where they are not needed at all. The more prohibitions there are around, the more actively the feeling of contradiction grows in the soul of the little rebel. Taboos must be firm and clear. In addition, the reason for the ban can already be explained to a child of 2 years old. Let it be in simple, understandable words, but be sure to make it clear that it will hurt him if he falls from the chair on which he climbed with his feet. If a child tries to help you and grabs a broom, a ban cannot be set. Even to yourself you cannot explain the reason for this taboo. After all, his dirty hands will be washed, and the joy from the fact that he helped his mother will know no bounds.

You have limited the number of prohibitions, but your baby is trying to overcome you and do what he wants? He's just bored! Find something you can do together that interests your child. If a tomboy is running around the house after a cat, screaming and falling, go for a walk and let him “let off steam” in the yard with peers. Or sit him down and read books about naughty children who got into difficult situations because they didn’t listen to their mother. And even better - about cats who really like to lie on the rug and sleep, but they don’t like being grabbed by the tail and running after them around the apartment.

If you don't allow your child to do what he wants, but don't explain why he can't. If you don't offer an alternative activity, he becomes aggressive. This explains why a 2-year-old child beats his parents.