Why children steal: anxiety, coercion and more

Child theft is a fairly common problem. And some families have to deal with this regularly. How to understand why a child steals money from their parents, and how should adults behave correctly in this difficult situation? Advice from psychologists will help parents take the right position, improve relationships with children and avoid repeat theft in the future.

Most parents at some point have to face a situation where a child takes someone else’s thing without asking. And if money is stolen, then this news simply leaves parents in shock and bewilderment; they cannot understand how this could happen and why this happened to their child and what to do in this case. The main thing is not only to find the right words and explain to the child why his action is bad and what consequences it can lead to, but also to understand why the little person committed this act. Then they start thinking about what their relatives and friends will say if they find out about this

Having learned that his own child steals, every parent first of all experiences shock: “How could my child do this?” Then the adult begins to think about why this happened, what his fault is in this situation, how to punish the culprit and what to do to prevent this situation from happening again. Most parents, especially mothers, in such cases feel guilty, thinking that they missed something in their upbringing, could not explain and convey to understanding.

First of all, you need to calm down and try to understand the situation and understand whether the child stole for the first time or whether this has already happened before, and the parents only now found out about it. Now you need to admit that the concept of theft is generally inapplicable to children in general, because the child’s real life and fantasies are inseparable in his mind. Sometimes he himself cannot realize that his act is so terrible.

The age of the child is of great importance. If he is 3-5 years old, he simply does not quite understand the difference between his own and someone else’s, and he is unlikely to be able to restrain his desire to take the thing he likes. But as they get older, children begin to understand the concept of property and belonging to someone.

A child can, while visiting, take a beautiful toy or book simply because he liked it. Sometimes children sneak things from supermarkets, such as sweets. A child cannot resist so many tempting things, not realizing that all this must first be paid for.

If this happens for the first time, mom or dad should explain to the child the difference between theirs and someone else’s and that in stores all things have their own price. The mistake parents make is that they scold the child for a valuable thing, and if he takes someone else’s book or toy without asking, no one will even pay attention to it. You need to understand that for a child things are not measured in monetary terms, he likes them or doesn’t like them.

The child simply succumbed to the impulse to take the thing he liked. No more. Older children should already be clearly aware of the concepts of “theirs” and “someone else’s”, so in the case of theft, you should understand why exactly the child took such a step.

The task of parents is to convey to the child’s consciousness that other people’s things cannot be taken without asking. You definitely need to ask permission from the person who owns this item.

General information about child theft

There is a widespread tendency in society to call petty theft, including children's theft, kleptomania, which is a mistake .

Kleptomania is a mental illness that is relatively uncommon.

It is extremely difficult for a kleptomaniac to restrain the impulse to steal something, and thanks to theft, he feels pleasure and relieves nervous tension.

The impulse to steal something from a kleptomaniac intensifies if something traumatic .

At the same time, such a person may be well aware that he is doing wrong. Most kleptomaniacs try to fight the disease with the help of psychiatrists and psychotherapists.

Kleptomania most often occurs between the ages of 30 and 40. In childhood, this disease is very rare. Therefore, children's theft should be called theft, and not kleptomania.

Even a child who does not lack toys and tasty food can steal, but more often theft is carried out by children from dysfunctional families , who regularly experience a feeling of inferiority when looking at happy peers, dressed in beautiful clothes and bringing interesting toys to the group.

An active desire to steal in such children may be combined with other deviant characteristics, for example, increased aggressiveness.

Recommendations if a teenager steals

If a teenager steals, then parents should be more strict than with a young child. At puberty, a person is already aware of himself and is aware of his actions, and the conversation with him is structured differently. A teenager skillfully manipulates the feelings of adults, which needs to be taken into account. There is no need to take empty promises from him - you should find those words and that meaning for the sake of which he will be ready to give up theft.

Why do children steal?

Why do children steal? The main reasons for child theft:

1. An impulsive desire to get what you want at any cost. This is especially true for children under seven or eight years of age, who are not always able to fully control their own impulsive desires. The child saw an attractive object and took it, almost without thinking about the consequences. Even if he has certain moral principles, the desire to possess the object turns out to be stronger than the fear of punishment.
2. The desire to attract the attention of others with the help of a beautiful toy. Children quickly notice that a child with an interesting and colorful toy or tasty food instantly attracts the attention of his peers: everyone wants to make friends with him, communicate, because there is an opportunity to get sweets or play with a wonderful toy.
   Many children begin to see a cause-and-effect relationship in this: if I have an interesting subject, they will love me, I will get friends. It is important for parents and educators to give children a different attitude: real strong friendship is built differently, and personal qualities in it are much more important than toys.
3. Stealing for fun, an adrenaline rush. This applies more to teenagers. During adolescence, a person actively searches for himself and may make incorrect moral conclusions. If a teenager gets involved with the wrong crowd, they may try to steal something. Most often - because of the desire to make money, and sometimes - just to feel the excitement, to prove your own coolness to yourself and your friends.
4. Revenge. A child may try to take revenge on an adult or another child who offended him by stealing an expensive item. Moreover, the subject itself often does not interest him. Children who steal for revenge may try to damage the stolen item in order to take more revenge (tear bills, dirty a toy).
5. Gaps in child upbringing. Every parent must ensure that their child receives the necessary moral guidance. It is necessary to explain to children the difference between “us” and “stranger” in the first years of life and further improve these attitudes. Moreover, gaps in education can arise in children from families of different levels. At risk are children from extremely disadvantaged families in which parents do not pay any attention to upbringing.

In extremely rare cases, a child steals because an important adult, such as one of his parents, asked him to do so, or in cases where an adult clearly told him that stealing is good and useful. This affects a small percentage of marginalized families.

A factor that increases the likelihood that a child will want to steal is financial problems in the family . However, even a child from a desperately needy family is unlikely to commit theft if his parents have given him clear moral guidelines about it.

Therefore, this factor can significantly increase the likelihood only if there are additional ones, such as lack of proper upbringing, living with toxic or marginal parents, negative influence of friends and acquaintances.

Children who lack attention and love are also more likely to steal and cheat.

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Recommendations

Parents should immediately prevent their child from taking other people's things. They can tell you that the owner of the valuables will be terribly upset when he discovers it is missing. It is advisable for the child to give back what he took. Feeling ashamed, he will not want to repeat a conversation that is unpleasant. Nobody wants to feel like they are in an awkward situation again.

1. If a child steals because he does not have pocket money, it is worth talking to him about this topic. It is best if the parents allocate a certain amount that the son or daughter can spend at their own discretion. If the family’s financial situation does not allow them to allocate much, it is worth telling the child about it. He can work part-time in the summer if he needs finance for a large purchase.
2. If the reason for theft was the example of your parents, you should reconsider your attitude to life. You shouldn't show off other people's things that you brought from work. What is innocent fun for mother and father will become a role model for the child.
3. To avoid theft, parents should pay attention to the child. Don’t think that divorce or family quarrels are stressful only for spouses. Common children suffer much more. They need attention and time spent together.
4. The child may experience anxiety that causes him to steal. In this case, you can talk to your son or daughter and understand what is happening in his life. You should contact the police or teachers if the child has become a victim of blackmail. If a confidential conversation does not work out, you can contact a child psychologist.
5. After some time, children from the orphanage stop hiding things and food under their pillows. They adapt to new circumstances and understand that there will be no more difficulties. It is enough to pay attention to them, to make it clear that they will not be returned back to a specialized institution.
6. If a child has been diagnosed with kleptomania, he should consult a psychiatrist. He will tell you what to do to avoid serious consequences due to the behavior of your son or daughter.

Video: Doctor Komarovsky about what children's lies and theft are

Psychologist's advice

If a child has stolen something and you need to react immediately (that is, you have just found out), it is important:

1. Don't become aggressive. Firstly, you could be misinformed: perhaps some kind of mistake occurred and the child did not actually steal anything.
   Secondly, any aggression is unconstructive and will only intensify the psycho-emotional trauma that the child will already have when he fully realizes what happened. Try to calm down. Drink water, count to ten, take a couple of deep breaths and then get serious. And you need to deal with the situation and discuss it with your child only when you are clearly sure that it was he who stole.
2. Realize that right now it will not be possible to convey the necessary postulates to the child. You all need to calm down.
   Do what you can do at the moment: talk with the victims (the seller, the parent of the child from whom something was stolen, the administration), think about how you can correct what happened. At the same time, try to explain to the child that he did something wrong and that stealing is prohibited. Speak in a confident, firm voice, devoid of aggression. Never raise your hand to a child.

When you and the child find yourself in a calm environment, then you need to move on to a full discussion of the situation . Ask questions related to what happened.

Most likely, the child will not be able to tell everything in detail, will cry and may become completely silent without saying anything relevant.

This is normal: he is reliving what happened, feeling helpless and upset. It is important at this moment not to lash out at him.

A child stole something from a store - recommendations:

1. If the item from the store is in good condition, it should be returned immediately and explained to the seller along with the child. It is important that the child apologizes.
2. If the seller does not want to accept the goods back or the goods are in poor condition, it is important to talk to the child about this point: explain to him that now he will have to pay for what he stole. If a child has pocket money , this should be used for payment so that he is aware of the loss.

A child stole from his parents - tips:

1. Try to calm down and behave with restraint. Ask him in a calm atmosphere about why he did it and what he planned to buy with the money taken without asking. During the discussion, avoid rude words (“thief”, “criminal”, “stole”), which will only increase the tension and will not help resolve the situation.
2. If your child does not have pocket money, it is important to discuss the possibility of having some with him. Even if the family’s financial condition is quite deplorable, it is important to allocate at least a small amount of money: this will help the child learn to value it and determine priorities. Some children take their parents' money because they do not feel its value and believe that they will not notice that it is missing.
3. If your child already has pocket money but doesn’t have enough, discuss whether the amount can be increased and how. It is useful to set a condition for the child: he takes on some responsibility and thanks to this he receives more money. Older children can be offered to earn extra money during the summer holidays.

If a child took money for someone, it is important to understand this situation and, if necessary, contact the police (in case we are talking about extortion).

What to do if a child steals?

The main thing that every parent should do is not to rush to conclusions, but first consult with a specialist: a teacher, a teacher, a psychologist. It is important to think things through carefully and not make hasty decisions. Children in most cases do not realize the seriousness of theft and their act, and this fact should be taken into account.

Initially, every parent should understand what not to do:

1. Don't threaten. When some parents find out about the theft, they begin to scare their child with prison or the police. Why shock him once again and expose him to stress, which may later result in an allergy or other psychosomatic disease.
2. There is no need to put “stamps”. Parents, in a fit of their own anger, may say: “Criminal”, “My child would not do such a thing, you are terrible” and much more. Children perceive cliches realistically; they have no concept of a “comic” or “temporary” expression.
3. Don't compare your child with your neighbor's. Why start making comparisons with other children, because this can begin to oppress him with renewed vigor.
4. Under no circumstances should you reprimand a child in front of witnesses, show aggression towards him or raise your voice.

Every parent must first of all be psychologically stress-resistant. You need to learn to tactfully explain to your child why you can’t take other people’s things, and why stealing from a store is wrong. It is worth showing clear examples through your own actions in your own family. You can share toys, things, territory with your child - this is yours, and this is mine. Through personal experience, children absorb information faster and begin to understand what can and cannot be done.

If a child begins to worry during a conversation, there is no need to put pressure on him, he needs psychological support. When he understands the seriousness of the committed act after explanations, he may begin to worry. Most parents do not understand that children always take everything to heart and even a humorous phrase can cause severe psychological shock. In this case, I always recommend psychological consultation to parents to investigate this or that fact of theft.

And after psychological support for the child, it is worth thinking about how you can correct the situation in the future. You can offer to give your child his own toy or pay for it with money that was given for his birthday. Perhaps a simple apology will suffice. The child must begin to feel his own responsibility for the actions he performs; this is precisely the main goal of any education.

How to deal with the problem?

Recommendations:

1. The main thing is prevention. Discuss the topic of theft with your child, offer role-playing games related to this, ask what he would do in certain situations. Clearly explain to him the difference between “someone else’s” and “yours” at an early age.
2. Make sure your child has pocket money. This will help him better understand their value.
3. Cultivate independence in him. Send him shopping more often, outline the range of things he needs to do regularly. Children who understand their responsibilities from an early age also have a better understanding of the value of money than children who are overprotected.
4. Make sure there is a calm, trusting environment in the family. If a child knows that he can trust anything and not get aggression, it will be easier for him to express his desires, and the need to steal will disappear.

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Finding out the reasons for theft

Quite often situations arise when parents do not attach importance to certain aspects of the child’s behavior. They believe that there is nothing wrong with a daughter or son taking someone else’s property. These could be toys that the baby brought from kindergarten, or a shovel that someone left in the sandbox. If you don’t immediately discuss with your child that taking someone else’s property is bad, he will develop this behavior pattern. Theft will continue into adulthood. You need to immediately make it clear to the child that he should not take things that do not belong to him.

You can often hear from the parents themselves how they took an office item, some item, or a food product from work and brought it home. Spouses can discuss among themselves that there is nothing wrong with the fact that “the enterprise lost something due to their fault.” This way they can set an example for the child. Because of this, he himself will begin to steal valuable items. Do not forget that children perfectly imitate the behavior of significant adults. They will be extremely perplexed if, by doing the same, their parents scold them for stealing.

Why does a child steal money?

1. He is not given any pocket money and may be subject to blackmail from his classmates. It is likely that the child seeks to win the favor of his peers by purchasing sweets for them, paying for movie tickets or attractions. This situation is not uncommon. Especially if the family has just moved to another city, and the baby is forced to adapt to new circumstances.
2. By stealing, a child may try to attract the attention of his parents. They may be busy at work all the time, or be going through a divorce, which is why their son or daughter suffers from lack of attention. They have to show negative behavior so that adults finally understand what a severe lack of love and care the child is experiencing. We have to resort to extreme methods so that the parents unite in the fight against his problem.
3. A child may start stealing because he is experiencing anxiety. By surrounding himself with various objects, he may try to calm down. Each new theft serves as an adventure for him, through which the child receives positive emotions.
4. In addition, the child may suffer from kleptomania. This is a serious condition that may cause him to not realize what he is doing. Parents can personally see how their son or daughter calmly takes things from the store that are hidden behind clothes or in a bag.
5. A special category of children who start stealing are former pupils of an orphanage. They could observe theft in their own family and begin to practice it with friends from a specialized institution. It often happens that children not only take things, but also hide food under the pillow. It is worth being prepared for these situations, so as not to later ask the question of what to do if a child steals money at home.

How to punish a child for stealing?

Adviсe:

1. Avoid any violence. Do not under any circumstances raise your hand to a child, do not blame him, do not mock him, do not restrict his movements, do not take away his toys.
   This will not help anything, but will only make him feel worse and destroy trust.
2. A good option would be to use pocket money. At the same time, the child must clearly understand why the amount of his pocket money will be reduced (explain to him that you will pay this amount for the item he took).
3. Until the age of nine or ten, it is impossible to seriously punish a child: their volitional sphere is not sufficiently developed, so it is difficult for them to control themselves. Moreover, “serious punishment”, even in the case of older children, should not include violence and insults.
4. Theft is a problem that requires a comprehensive approach. Parents should carefully understand the situation and try to solve it constructively so that there is no repetition in the future. This approach works much better than conventional punishment.

If a child steals regularly, and admonitions and mild punishment do not work, you need to contact a specialist in child psychology .

How to wean yourself from a bad habit?

Basic recommendations:

1. It is important to solve the problem comprehensively, and if necessary, involve a psychologist. It is necessary to find out the reasons for theft and work with them.
2. For every reason, you need to find a constructive solution. If your child does not have enough pocket money, discuss options with him.
   If there is a clear lack of financial resources in the family, calmly, without hysterics or aggression, explain the current situation to him. At the same time, if the child has been removed from responsibility and relationships with money all this time, he may not understand the parent’s explanations, because money has not received any particular value for him.
3. If the child was taken care of too much, it is necessary to retreat from this. Gradually expand the area of ​​his responsibility, give more instructions. If the child is old enough and has wanted a pet for a long time, get one, but make it clear that the child will be the primary caretaker.
4. Do not leave money openly if the child has already been caught stealing. Don't increase the temptation to take it.