Everywhere you look, unconditional love and acceptance of your partner for who they are are promoted. Both on social networks and on various thematic forums dedicated to personal and spiritual development... It seems that society has forgotten that only the military registration and enlistment office can accept a man as he is. Well, as for a woman... you never know what to expect from a woman - therefore, the question of acceptance remains open throughout the entire relationship.
Egoists are around us i
Supporters of the idea of unconditional love believe that only complete egoists and manipulators make demands on another person. Unconditional love is considered a certain standard, a symbol of progress. Are you dating an alcoholic guy who alternates his date with you with a week-long binge? Does your girl wear a thin strap instead of a skirt that attracts the eyes of every man? It’s nonsense, if you don’t accept your partner with all his desires and character traits, it means you don’t have the ability for unconditional love. This is exactly what any proponent of this concept will say.
The Harm of Unlimited Acceptance2
On the one hand, such an attitude can be very useful - for example, when it comes to the connection between mother and child. But in the romantic realm, unconditional love leads to unhealthy situations. A sexually mature man or adult woman is not a baby who is unable to change himself for the sake of building quality relationships in society.
And unconditional love becomes especially dangerous in a partnership built on the principles of BDSM. In such a couple, everything rests on the exchange of power, delineation of clear boundaries, and devotion to their Master (Mistress).
The view of psychologists 5
The founder of the concept of unconditional love in psychological science was Carl Rogers. He put forward the idea of unconditional acceptance of the client.
This was one of the main techniques used by Rogers in psychotherapy. He showed his clients full support and acceptance, no matter what they said or did. Rogers believed that all psychologists should treat their clients this way.
Does unconditional love really exist?7
Science supports the idea that unconditional love actually exists. According to one study, the emotion subjectively felt as unconditional love occurs when a specific network of neurons in the brain is activated.
In this study, this type of attachment was found in most cases between mother and child. The same feelings we experience as romantic love are generated and maintained by the brain centers responsible for motivation and reward. The neural ensemble that is activated during mother-child attachment remains inactive in this case. In other words, we treat our partners in exactly the same way as they treat us. At least when it comes to psychologically healthy people.
Love is conditional and unconditional
Unconditional love is so different from the love we are used to receiving that most of us don't really know what it is.
Nowadays, “love” refers to various forms of infatuation, passion, intimacy, attachment, codependency and selfish needs, and this is not about true love.
One of the dangerous attitudes about love is associated with the idea that love is given for something, that it must be earned, that it must be fought for. In short, love is the reward for good behavior. This “conditional love” attitude is formed in childhood in a fairly simple way. For example, a mother says to her child: “If you don’t eat this porridge, I won’t love you” or “If you’re naughty, I’ll give you to someone else’s uncle.” In this case, the child finds himself in a conflict situation: either be himself, but there is a risk of being left without love, or meet parental expectations for the sake of their love. And for a child, love is a vital necessity, no less than food and safety. For him, love appears as a means of manipulation; it can be given, or it can be taken back. This attitude forms a scenario in which a person is doomed not only not to love anyone, but also to prevent others from loving him.
Conditional love is inherently selfish and self-centered. Conditional love only lasts as long as certain unspoken rules are maintained or followed. According to the principle: you give me, I give you.
“If you behave well, I like you, I love you”, “if you bring straight A’s from school, I love you”, “if you don’t deceive me, I love you”, “if you bring home a lot of money, I love you” , “if you don’t cheat on me, I love you,” etc.
Don't demand the impossible from others ! They have their own tasks in this world. They came into this world for their own lessons, not yours. They came into this world to live their own life, and not yours, which, as you may tell yourself in moments of self-revelation, “failed” or “didn’t quite work out.” Don't try to change the world without changing yourself. Don't try to change your neighbor. This is how violence enters our lives. The road to hell is paved with good intentions! Change yourself first. By changing, we change the world around us. If we change, those around us will change, our lives and our loved ones, who are connected to us by very close ties, will change. Not right away, have patience, but it will definitely happen, because the external is a reflection of the internal.
Unconditional love is similar to the love a woman experiences when she gives birth to a child and holds him in her arms for the first time. At this moment she is all glowing. Then it becomes clear that love is light . She loves her child in every way. He doesn't let her sleep, sometimes he hurts her, he messes her diapers, he takes up her time, but she loves him, she loves him unconditionally . But months pass, and conditional love begins to creep to the surface, gradually displacing unconditional love. “If he sleeps peacefully and doesn’t scream, I love him,” “if he gives me the opportunity to do household chores, I love him.” If the opposite happens, irritation, anger and other negative energies enter life, and these, in turn, attract other situations. The wheel of karma begins its run.
The external reflects the internal . Like attracts like .
True love is a rare and incredibly valuable feeling. The moment you experience true unconditional love is the moment you feel fully seen, understood, forgiven, accepted and able to love yourself just as you are. It is the most all-encompassing and liberating feeling you have ever experienced.
Unconditional love means loving someone or something without any conditions. In other words, no matter what the other person says, does, feels, thinks or believes, we still love them unconditionally. Unconditional love can also be applied to other beings such as animals. But perhaps most importantly, unconditional love can be applied directly to ourselves.
The more we are able to love ourselves unconditionally, the more we will be able to love others in the same way.
Unconditional love means accepting all the good, the ugly, and the ugly about yourself and others. Remember that no one is perfect and no one can ever be perfect. Life is a constant journey and growth. Don't love others based on what they look like, who they are, or what they do, love a person exactly as they are at that moment, simply because they are worthy of being loved. The same advice applies to you: embrace all the pain, wounds and imperfections within you.
Love without conditions.
How many “impurities” of love
We are used to calling it love...
The flight of the soul has been replaced by melancholy
And filled with tenderness and pain...
How carefully we hide
Love disguised as doubts -
As soon as I felt jealousy,
We hand over the reins to her...
Ridiculous, stupid and funny
And so easily we cripple love,
Converting minutes into days
And fleetingness leads to infinity...
Why love and reproach?
To love “for something” or “if”?
Isn't it better to just know?
Love soaring in bliss?
Isn't it better to give away heat?
Not for reciprocal flattering gestures,
But because I was lucky
Can two souls hear the trembling of the heart?
Isn’t it better to repeat in your thoughts:
“There is no more wonderful soul than the beloved!”
After all, we are ready to dream with her
And dissolve together in bliss?
And don't expect anything
And don’t try to change it,
And accept it as God's gift
The one who caused happiness?
...Let someone say that dreams
Unfortunately, it cannot be brought into reality... -
I will not fail to object:
“Sometimes the whole world is subject to love!
But only true love -
Without “admixtures” of melancholy, without falsehood...
The love I knew
Only those who value happiness...
Who does not strive to possess,
And I learned to enjoy
That bright feeling that to fly
Will allow us on the wings of happiness...
Who does not find the ideal,
And he notices perfection...
Whose unconditional love
Instantly turn your dream into reality”...
Zhernakova Marina.
With unconditional love, author.
A sexually mature person or an infant in the guise of an adult8
Usually at this point, fans of all-consuming acceptance experience a stupor. Angelic patience, endless devotion and admiration for the supposedly “ideal” qualities of a partner - isn’t this the ideal that each of us should strive for? It turns out not. If your partner is an adult and able-bodied person who also has sex with you, then it is stupid to treat him like an unintelligent child.
The spirit of a mature personality must reside in an adult body. And if this is not the case, then it’s worth thinking: should I continue to build a relationship with a big guy? Maybe this person needs a second mommy (another daddy)?
Disappointing conclusions due to errors9
Adherents of unconditional love believe that partnerships can be comparable to parent-child relationships, although in reality the latter have a completely different neurophysiological basis. A sexual relationship for an adult is much more complicated, which is why not everyone can live “happily ever after.” And in the end, unjustified expectations lead to disappointed conclusions: “Only mom is worthy of love (only dad is worthy).” Perhaps this is so - the only question is what kind of love?
An adult does not live under the care of his parents: he is forced to constantly deal with the external environment and its changing conditions. Humans are hardwired to survive and succeed—whether it's finding food, shelter, or quality relationships with sexual partners.
Are you a believer in unconditional love? To be honest with yourself, answer the question: how would your feelings change if your partner cheated on you? Would you be genuinely happy that he was having a good time with another member of the opposite sex, and would you encourage him to continue to do so? If not, then there can be no talk of any “unconditional love” in a relationship.
About unconditional and conditional love
Perhaps you are familiar with this worm-like thought: “Eh! If only I were wiser, more modest, more tolerant, and knew how to forgive!” You begin to punish yourself for your inability to love unconditionally and feel ashamed of your lack of enlightenment. Thank God there is no extra Ferrari parked in the garage at the moment, otherwise I would have sold it and left for Tibet out of emotion. Enlighten yourself!
And really, where is this fine line between eccentricity, selfishness, fair expectations, over-inflating oneself and reality, demandingness and fairness? Playing an angel in the flesh and trying to be kinder to people, don’t we sometimes allow our beloved ones to shamelessly climb onto our well-groomed heads and from there wave their legs at us?
The truest love is unconditional! And this is unconditional! Being the apogee of the evolution of human emotions, it can truly make a person happy. And not just one, but a whole couple. Only a person is capable of love, despite the uselessness of the chosen one from the point of view of the instincts of survival and reproduction. They love the crippled, the unattractive, the old, the barren, the poor – all kinds. That is why we are human beings, so that by the greatness of our feelings we differ from our smaller brothers.
But experiencing unconditional love for a stranger is at least strange, and sometimes unsafe. Well, wouldn’t it even occur to you to call a person you’ve known for almost a week your best friend, and even trust him with your soul?
So true love takes time, testing for truth, in order to become all-forgiving and unconditional.
We must understand what we want with this person: love or relationship. These are two different strategies: the strategy of building long-term relationships requires the presence of an important base - trust! But for Love-Romantic Passion, Love-Attraction, trust is not necessary. For a satisfying long-term relationship, it is desirable to experience Love-Acceptance or Love-Attachment, which is truly unconditional and in many ways resembles friendship. The man and woman went through the stages: Mutual Exchange, Overcoming, Complicity, and now the true meaning has appeared in the relationship: just being together, because with you it’s better than without you, and for your sake I want to become better.
And the relationship “he doesn’t love me, but I still love him”, “I endure for the sake of Love”, “I suffer, but I hope that he will change soon” rather destroys a person’s personality, but does not ennoble him. When handing over the keys to your heart to another, leave the keys to your happiness for yourself!
Nature's idea was still brilliant: love as an incentive to become better! This joyful feeling - this is amore naturale! And suffering and attempts to love an unfamiliar man for his beautiful eyes, to impose your feelings unrequitedly - this is the road to suffering. And this is not unconditional love, but an obsession that you need to get rid of as soon as possible.
Your feelings are your life energy, and if you don’t replenish it, so much the worse for you. REAL love is built on trust and feedback. Trust, fall in love. But don’t rush into a relationship headlong, because this abyss will swallow you up. Well, if unrequited love happens to you, find the courage to take responsibility for your feelings and experience this feeling with dignity, developing and improving for yourself, for the sake of the future of another, who may be waiting for your love and is capable of reciprocity. As Osho said in the book “Love. Freedom. Loneliness": "Love gives you wings to soar high!"
Exercise “False guilt”
We are often unfair to ourselves. We also love to torture ourselves with some far-fetched feelings. Although often it is other people who are not entirely right or are simply preoccupied with their own problems. Leave them the right to make their mistakes, and get rid of emotional masochism yourself by answering these 3 questions: What is my guilt before this person? Do you feel like I failed the person’s expectations? Have there been circumstances in which I have been forced to act against the interests of another? Minute of wisdom:
There are some flowers of love that bloom only after a long period of intimacy. There are also annual flowers: they bloom for six weeks in the sun, but after six weeks they disappear forever. There are flowers that take years to bloom, and there are flowers that take many years. The more time it takes, the deeper the love. But it must be the devotion of one heart to another heart. This must be silent devotion: eyes to eyes, heart to heart, being to being. This needs to be understood, not said. Osho
SMILE)))
Quarrel in a friendly family: - Fuck you! - I went myself! - Let's go together?! - Went!
Read more educational articles:
- How to please a modern man? 5 NEW Rules!
- How can a woman become a Muse for her beloved?
In BDSM, unconditional love becomes violence10
Sexual violence (just like violence of any other kind) occurs in conditions of imbalance of power - when people forget about spiritual unity. And BDSM practitioners, unfortunately, are no different from others in this regard. Sometimes some of the fans of this style put forward completely unrealistic demands in relation to their partners. For example, on one of the dating sites you can see something like this:
"I'm looking for a true submissive who can satisfy absolutely all my desires."
This “100% submission” should be a wake-up call for anyone who loves BDSM. If a dominant claims that a “true submissive” would do absolutely anything, this speaks of his truly inflated egoism.
Sometimes such arrogance turns into real fetishism, manifested in various fields of art - such as fiction or cinema. For example, for a long time the movie “The Story of O” was positioned in BDSM communities as a masterpiece of sadomasochistic eroticism. However, there are numerous instances in the story where the heroine is bullied or coerced. All this is not only unpleasant sexually, but also makes her completely unhappy.
Of course, sexual fantasies about cruelty and rape are extremely common. But these are fantasies. Non-consensual behavior has no place in real BDSM. Dominants with a healthy psyche know how to maintain stability in a couple - and this is never possible if subordinates do not enjoy the process. And regardless of what position a person occupies - “top” or “bottom” - it is critically important to determine for yourself the boundaries of what is acceptable and communicate them to your partner.
Unconditional love for children
Mothers usually love their children with unconditional love. No matter how the child tests her patience and nerves, forming his character, no matter what he does, his mother will always love him. This love is an example of love without conditions, which we all should love ourselves, our loved ones and in general everyone, without exception.
A mother's unconditional love is very important for young children. When a child feels loved regardless of his actions, mistakes and failures, he seems to be safe and feels protected. In conditions of unconditional love, it is easier for him to develop and learn about the world, his psyche and sense of self are formed correctly.
It is important for a parent not to forget about the unconditionality of his love for his child and not to stop showing love, despite his behavior or grades received at school.
My 3-year-old son, after I play with him, feed him something tasty or give him a ride, often says: “Dad, I love you very much.” And when I scold him, he calls me a turd. This is the kind of conditional love he has now. Having the greatest need for love, young children prefer to love for something specific.
Conditions are a friend, not an enemy 11
To begin with, each submissive should define these boundaries in his mind: think about what type of dominant behavior is acceptable, and what type of behavior can never be tolerated under any circumstances. For example: “I will never build a relationship with someone who raises his voice at me,” or “I don’t need a person who lowers my self-esteem.”
Then, if the situation requires it, you need to communicate these boundaries to your partner. Do this confidently but in a respectful manner. And then you just need to adhere to the agreed conditions. If a partner deliberately crosses the line, you can first respond with a warning before ending the relationship or taking other measures. Our terms mean little as long as the rule breaker gets away with it.
And don't feel guilty about setting conditions. After all, they are part of a healthy relationship between two adults - and in BDSM as well.
Partner Acceptance
What about the things you don't like about your partner? Are you ready to live with these things, even if they bother you? In order for a relationship to develop successfully, this is necessary. But remember the main thing is that we cannot change a person so that he becomes what we want him to be. He must be willing to make changes on his own. And mostly for my own sake, not for yours.
For example, your partner goes out with friends every Saturday night to relax and does not invite you. You don't like it. You ask to change this somehow, but he insists on spending the evening only with friends. Are you ready to accept this? Or will you make a problem out of it? Yes, we should be able to “make sacrifices” for the people we love, but we should also be able to fully accept them for who they are. Perhaps this is really important to him, or maybe this evening away from you is the reason your relationship remains strong.
