Constructive and destructive criticism: what it is, rules, steps in the algorithm, theses

Rules for constructive criticism

A good writer is not necessarily a good critic, just as a good drunk is not necessarily a good bartender. Jim Bishop

It's hard to accept being criticized, but there's one criticism that's hard to be offended by: constructive criticism. Its essence is that the emphasis is not on what is bad, but on what to do to make it better. For example, you can say: “You did well, but it seems to me that the result would be better if you changed this...”.

The purpose of constructive criticism is not only to identify the problem, but also to solve it. It is based on the desire to help a person, and it is aimed at a specific problem.

Constructive criticism has its antipode - it is unconstructive criticism. It, unlike constructive criticism, is not aimed at helping to solve a problem, but at the personality of the opponent, belittling and insulting him.

It is curious that criticism with good intentions and a desire to help, and seemingly constructive, cannot be called such if the person at whom it is directed perceives it negatively.

Constructive criticism: what does it mean?

This is expressing your personal opinion with the goal of helping a person. The interlocutor evaluates your work or action and makes clear comments that are aimed at improving your activities. Such a discussion can be objective, that is, it can be an analysis or a form of useful recommendations or advice.

The main signs of constructive comments.

Objectivity. When a person expresses his opinion, he does not pretend to be true, but emphasizes that this is only his personal position.
Accuracy. The critic pays attention to specific elements of the work that seem unclear or questionable to him.
Reasoning. The person who criticizes explains his point of view and gives arguments.
Awareness. The critic must be well versed in the topic of discussion. He may have professional training or experience.
Respect. The person making the remark should not become personal and impose his point of view. It is necessary to treat your opponent with respect.
Sincerity. The critic points out not only the disadvantages, but also the advantages of your activities.

This type of discussion allows us to see our weaknesses in order to quickly correct them and achieve an ideal state of work.

Definition concept

Constructive criticism involves the opponent ethically expressing his personal opinion, which is distinguished by a sincere desire to help. Through his actions, he evaluates the activities of the person he criticizes and strives to contribute to the development of his success. At the same time, he gives clear recommendations.

Objective criticism concerns business relationships between employer and subordinate, adult and child, teacher and student. The boss, using it, corrects the employee’s activities. If this does not happen, there is a risk of losing your job for poor execution of instructions.

This type of criticism does not disrupt the child’s development; he will grow up strong and self-confident. It also has an effective effect on the student: it helps eliminate mistakes and increases the desire to acquire new knowledge.

The critic in this case must understand the area affected by the comments. Only then will he be able to give effective advice. There is no place for expressions of emotion here; it is important to state only specific facts. When criticizing constructively, it is important to note the positive aspects.

Destructive criticism

This is an indication of the opponent’s shortcomings for selfish purposes. Such a critic has no desire to help; he does it to offend the person.

The main reasons for such unfounded reproaches.

Manipulation. Manipulative influence on a person is aimed at persuading him to take actions beneficial to the critic.
Envy. Even if it is a flawless job, envious people will still find flaws and point them out, even if it is not true.
Non-standard. If any opponent does everything differently from others, there will be a large number of people who want to unreasonably criticize him.
Bias. The critic is completely confident in the truthfulness of his thoughts and does not give the opportunity to refute them.

The main differences between these two varieties

Constructive judgments contribute to self-development, while destructive ones destroy aspirations and cause mental wounds. The main feature of valid criticism is the provision of valuable advice for correcting mistakes and improving performance.

Negative reproaches are based on insults and aggression; such appraisers are not responsible for their words, which hurt and reduce self-esteem. If you encounter such an individual, try to avoid communicating with him, this way you will maintain your calm and your confidence will not suffer.

Actions that do not relate to objective judgment:

Intimidation. Not allowed: “If you don’t clean your room, you’ll go hungry.” Allowed: “Clean up the house, while I prepare dinner.”
Insults. You can’t: “You look very bad, haven’t you washed your hair again?” In general, one should not evaluate external data.
Subjectivity. Don't criticize your friend for her taste, dreams and goals.

Why are we so sensitive to criticism?

Many studies have concluded that praise has a positive effect on the result, but various types of comments have a negative effect. We react to reproaches more sharply and remember them faster than compliments. One of the reasons for this phenomenon is evolution. During the evolutionary period, we learned to quickly respond to negative stimuli. In the wild, such signals portend mortal danger, so it is necessary to respond sharply to them in order to survive. Now everything has changed, but we react to troubles in the same way - emotionally and strongly.

Psychologist Daria Milai

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The next reason why we are overwhelmed with emotions when someone criticizes us is a new experience. We have a negative attitude towards stimuli that are unusual for us.

The benefits of objective comments

Reasonable assessment is the most important tool with which we become better, and it also allows us to work on our mistakes. Constructive comments should prevail in professional activities; they are important for relationships with partners, colleagues, as well as with friends and relatives. Without the ability to talk about what you don't like, you will not build strong family, friendship, or team bonds.

Being comfortable with our judgments helps us to be more courageous in making smart decisions, and it also makes us realize that for everyone, neither we nor our work will ever be perfect, and there will always be things that need to be improved, no matter how small. Outside comments identify our weaknesses and give us the opportunity to correct our work so that it becomes even better. It is important to hear the assessment and identify shortcomings that can be corrected, rather than accepting the false conclusion that everything is perfect.

Such a thesis as constructive criticism is one of the important tools for the formation of society and the development of human relations. When we are discussed, it means that we represent something.

Benefits and harms

Having heard objective criticism, you need to listen to it, and not be offended and angry. It gives you the opportunity to become better and work on your mistakes. Such comments allow you to establish quality relationships in your family, at work, and with friends. So, the positive aspects of adequate reviews are:

the chance to see mistakes with the help of others;
the emergence of a motive for self-development;
understanding the interests and needs of the opponent.

Any aspect of criticism affects self-esteem, lowering self-confidence. It hurts a person who takes everything to heart. In this case, you should learn to perceive objective comments adequately.

When is criticism appropriate?

It’s worth expressing your opinion about a person’s work or actions if you want to help him and not to insult or offend him. If a person posts the result of his activities online or presents them to colleagues, he should prepare for comments in advance, listen to them carefully and thank them for the help provided. When evaluating any subject or activity, a critic needs to determine whether he is the target audience and whether he has the right to evaluate this work, since there is a possibility that the shortcomings he identifies will be insignificant and will not affect anything.

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Criticism is allowed to those people who will subsequently interact with the opponent and deal with his unfinished mistakes.

The main feature of all judgments is the relevance of the opinion and the understanding that it will benefit the person being criticized and will not offend him. This behavior should be followed when commenting on a person’s appearance. It’s stupid to assume that she will immediately make an appointment with a stylist just because she was told about it. Criticism should be where without it complete failure can occur.

Examples

Before you start criticizing, you need to think about whether you have enough knowledge and experience in a certain area. For example, I didn’t like the dress that the seamstress made to order. It will be difficult to point out shortcomings in such work, because the critic does not have a tailor's education. Judgment should begin with kind words, praise, and a respectful tone. End the same. This will enhance the opponent’s perception of the speech spoken. Sometimes he has something to respond to comments, so there should be an opportunity to do this, because maybe the reason for what happened may be justified. The critic should be prepared to offer possible solutions to the problem.

Praise

Criticism-praise is used when the boss is not satisfied with something in the work performed. The following expressions are suitable:

overall good, but not perfect;
the work is good, but it does not suit our case;
good, but you can do better;
It’s clear from your work that you tried, but it’s not enough;
everything is true, but not on time.

In relation to a child, this method of criticism is used if he misunderstood the task or did unnecessary actions that are not indicated in the task. In this case, communication can be established like this:

you overdid it, there is no such thing in the task, this is already unnecessary;

it’s clear that you tried, but read the assignment carefully;

READ Oratory: methods of development and application options

ok, but something is missing, let's think about how to fix it.

Concern

Criticism-concern comes to a point when the work is not submitted on time. Personal emotions appear in statements. Dissatisfaction can be explained this way:

I am concerned about your dishonesty;
I am amazed that your report is not ready;
I’m not sure that I can entrust this task to you next time.

Impersonality

Impersonal criticism is expressed when there is no desire to name names. For example, in a work team they say this:

There are employees among us who cannot yet cope with their responsibilities, but we will not name their names;
it turned out that not everyone understood how important this is for us, I hope they understood who I mean;
some employees still do not comply with their work schedule;
let those who did not find the strength to admit their mistakes be ashamed.

Astonishment

When using criticism-surprise, you need to control your intonation. She should not be indignant, but surprised. This is not swearing with ridicule. Here are examples of surprise:

Did you fail to complete the assignment?
I'm amazed the report isn't on my desk yet.
Haven't you seen your shortcomings yet?
I can't believe my eyes. Do you have an error? Not expected.
How so?
Do you really like your job?

If the child did not do all the work, or made little effort to achieve the result, there is no need to scold him. Suffice it to say: “How sloppily written. There’s still work to be done on your handwriting, but I believe you can do it.”

Warning

Wanting to point out a mistake to the employee, but not offend him, for criticism-warning you need to choose a firm, but not threatening tone. The following phrases are suitable:

I recommend that you think about the mistakes yourself and draw conclusions.
If repeated violations are detected, I will punish you.
This is the last warning to you.
Next time the conversation will be different.

Question

If the work is not completed as required, some employers are interested in knowing the employee’s independent decision. Then they will ask:

How will you fix it?
What are you planning to do?
How will you correct the situation?
What do you propose to do to fix it?
How will you get rid of errors?

Fear

Examples of criticism expressing concern:

I'm afraid this won't be the last time;
I think that tomorrow it will be the same;
something tells me that next time the result will be unsuccessful again;
I’m afraid I can no longer trust you with important tasks;
I am haunted by the repeated mistakes in your works (actions).

Hope

Hope for correction is expressed in the following phrases:

I hope that you will improve and will not make any more mistakes;
I would like you to do a better job next time;
I think you will cope with the task in the future without errors;
I want to believe that you will become more attentive;
I hope you can do better.

READ Top 7 ways to resolve conflicts and a description of their main types

What makes a judgment constructive?

First of all, it is a respectful and correctly noted comment about the opponent’s work or actions. Such a review does not imply a hidden meaning and further personalization, a surge of negativity for self-affirmation at the expense of another individual, and this statement should not offend him or hurt his self-esteem. All of the above components do not apply to constructive criticism.

When assessing, attention is paid not to condemnation, demonstration of superiority and ridicule, but to real help, which will subsequently allow a person to achieve perfection.

You need to criticize where this action is appropriate. If you are sure that the interlocutor will adequately respond to your comments, act, but if you notice any barrier and feel aggression directed in your direction, stop, as your opponent will not support the conversation with you .

Before expressing your point of view and pointing out shortcomings, start your dialogue with praise, describe all the advantages of the work that attracted you, ask open questions, discuss. Also, think through your arguments carefully, speak clearly and on topic, and respect your colleague.

How to criticize correctly

When you evaluate another person's actions, it is important that he hears what you have to say. The rules of constructive criticism will help with this:

Express your opinion when you are one on one with a person. Respect your opponent, do not make his mistakes public.
Offer options for solving the problem. Help with advice or action, otherwise the meaning of the criticism will be unclear.
Keep calm. The opponent will respond to aggressive statements with aggression.
Evaluate work in a timely manner. If constructive criticism is expressed after a long time, you will be considered a quarrelsome, vindictive person.
Alternate negative moments with praise. The person will feel valued despite the mistakes they have made. He will try to justify the trust and will not make similar mistakes in the future.
Criticism is a dialogue. Let your opponent speak. Perhaps he could not influence the situation that led to the mistakes.
You cannot criticize by referring to others. Be responsible for your words, otherwise you will be accused of spreading gossip.
When the causes of errors and solutions have been found, leave this issue. There is no need to constantly remind your opponent of his mistakes.
If your opponent is irritated and unable to adequately perceive your words, put off the conversation for a while.

What notes should you not pay attention to?

We often express our opinion, we do it involuntarily, we do not strive to ensure that our point of view is objective. Sometimes we don’t want to help someone at all, we simply talk about our thoughts, tastes, experiences or hobbies, and we can also throw out a flurry of negative emotions on a colleague.

Nowadays we are very susceptible to criticism, we face it everywhere.

Internet. On social networks, people leave comments to each other, some are positive, others are aggressive. You shouldn't take them seriously.
Policy. Our television screens often broadcast debates between political figures, who, despite their status, subsequently turn to shouting and sometimes to personalities.
The science. A community of scientists can become divided over differing opinions on one specific issue.

Don't pay attention to judgments that are intended to hurt or offend you. They are untrue and unfounded. In any group of people you will find a like-minded person who will support you and give valuable advice and recommendations.

Methods of psychological protection

Psychological protection - these are the mechanisms of the psyche, which seem to protect the individual’s awareness of various kinds of negative emotional experiences and perceptions, contribute to the preservation of psychological homeostasis, stability, resolution of intrapersonal conflicts and occur at the unconscious and subconscious psychological levels.

In the ordinary life of any person, certain emotionally intense and negative situations arise, the experience of which leads to various kinds of personal disorders, troubles, negative affects, and destruction. When a person’s desires, interests, and needs cannot be satisfied, despite significant efforts, states of emotional tension arise—stress and frustration. Often all constructive attempts made do not lead to the desired goal.

The tension continues to grow and the person ceases to notice alternative paths. In addition, an increase in tension is often accompanied by emotional arousal, which interferes with rational choice processes: a person becomes worried, panics, loses control of himself, and various destructive consequences appear. In many cases, stress relief occurs with the help of psychological defenses.

Examples of defensive behaviors include:

— aggression (or attack on the “frustrator”);

— autism (self-isolation, “escape from the frustrator”);

— repression (suppression of desires, “rejection of the frustrator”);

— rationalization (explaining behavior with false motives, “justifying the frustrator”);

— sublimation (switching behavior from an unsuccessful activity to a new one, “replacing a frustrator”)

- forgetting;

- self-forgiveness (“Yes! What?”);

- projection of one’s own guilt onto everyone else (“It’s your own fault!”), etc.

Scheme of personality “action” with the participation of psychological defenses

As we noted above, the term “psychological defense” was first introduced into psychology by the famous Austrian psychologist Sigmund Freud.

The concept of psychological defense mechanisms is more fully presented by A. Freud, in particular in her work “Psychology of the Self and Defense Mechanisms,” the Russian version of which was published in 1993. Considering psychological defenses as one of the mechanisms of adaptation and integration of the personality, she believed that they are unconscious, acquired in the process of personality development, ways for the ego to achieve a compromise between the opposing forces of the id or super-ego and external reality. Psychological defense mechanisms are aimed at reducing anxiety caused by intrapsychic conflict.

A. Freud (following her father S. Freud) believed that the defense mechanism is based on two types of reactions:

Protection is not a personality structure “built-in” from birth. In the process of socialization, protective mechanisms arise, change, and are rebuilt under the influence of social influences. For example, protection can turn into altruism or accumulation of values, etc. Ultimately, psychological defenses become a way of existing for unrealized drives, desires, and needs.

Psychological security is a property of a mature personality, which depends on intelligence, attentiveness, a penchant for analysis, critical thinking and emotional stability. There are several practice-tested psychological defense techniques.

Getting stung by one or even several bees can be good for your health. But if you are attacked by a swarm of wasps or find yourself the victim of a poisonous snake bite, then you will be in trouble. Your competitors, ill-wishers or enemies are capable of causing you no less harm simply by using words that hurt your soul as a psychological weapon. And the longer you worry about this, the more likely you are to end up among the losers.

“If a person shows that he is irritated and is not able to control his emotions, he needs to do something other than work with people,” confidently stated the Frenchman Michel Fadoul, who has achieved brilliant success in business at the world level.

Ask yourself and others more often magical questions: what, where, when, how, why and why? Try to imagine the entire panorama and dynamics of the event, see the whole picture and note contradictions, inconsistencies and blind spots, pay careful attention to the details. They are the necessary material for assessing the reliability of information. We offer you several psychological defense techniques developed by us and tested in our trainings.

Reception "Fan" . Analyze what you react to most painfully. What irritates you? What makes you mad or sad? Remember the specific words, intonations, gestures of your opponents or offenders. Close your eyes and remember again all the most offensive, biting, burning words that make you feel confused and worthless or cause powerful outbursts of aggression.

Now imagine that you are sitting opposite the person who is inflicting these psychological blows on you. He is the one who says cruel, hurtful words to you. And you feel yourself starting to get turned on. Create a feeling of impact within yourself. What part of your body reacts to it? What happens: does heat appear throughout the body, or is something shrinking inside, or maybe breathing is simply interrupted? What exactly is happening to you? Use the emotion ventilation technique. Imagine that between you and the offender there is a powerful fan, which immediately takes his words to the side, their sharp arrows do not reach you.

Open your eyes, and you will probably feel that you are now able to withstand such a psychological blow.

Reception "Aquarium" . If, when communicating with people who are negatively disposed towards you, you continue to react painfully to their attacks, use this technique. Imagine that between you and your offender there is a thick glass wall of an aquarium. He says something unpleasant to you, but you only see him and don’t hear the words, they are absorbed by the water and only bubble with foam on the surface. That's why they don't affect you. And you, without losing your composure and peace of mind, do not succumb to provocation, do not react to offensive words. And thanks to this, you turn the situation in your favor.

Disneyland reception . The painfulness of a psychological blow can be softened, or even completely eliminated, if you treat all people like little children. You don't take offense at stupid children, do you?

Imagine that you find yourself alone against a whole group of people who are negatively disposed towards you. The preponderance of forces is on their side. And you have only one chance to turn the tide: imagine them as a group of children on the playground. They get angry, act up, scream, wave their arms, throw toys on the floor, and trample them underfoot. In general, they try in every possible way to piss you off. But you, as an adult, wise person, treat their antics as childish pranks and continue to remain calm until they fizzle out.

You do not perceive their words as insults, you do not react to their attacks. It’s funny for you to watch all this as an adult... The “Fox and the Grapes” technique. If there have been cases in your past when someone managed to annoy you so much that the experience of defeat remains to this day, use the technique of rationalization, removing negative “anchors.” Remember the fable “The Fox and the Grapes”: not reaching the bunch of grapes, the fox said that she didn’t really want grapes - they were sour and green.

Reception "Ocean of Calm" . Imagine yourself as the main character of the parable: “The ocean receives the waters of many stormy rivers, but at the same time remains motionless. The one into whom all thoughts and emotions flow in the same way remains dispassionate in peace.”

Reception "Theater of the Absurd" . You can use such a psychological defense technique as bringing the situation to the point of absurdity. This is basically the same as making a molehill out of a molehill. That is, to hyperbolize out loud beyond recognition what someone is only hinting at, and thus unexpectedly knock psychological weapons out of the hands of one’s enemies or ill-wishers. Your goal is to make sure that any attacks from an ill-wisher no longer cause anything but laughter. This is the solution to the problem of how to protect yourself from psychological attack.

Reception "Puppet Theater" . If you find it difficult to communicate with people who are emotionally significant to you, use this technique. Imagine that they are just caricatured characters from the TV show “Dolls”. And let them say nonsense when communicating with each other. And you just watch it from the outside and make your own assessments. Play this show until you laugh. Your laughter is an indication that the technique worked.

In addition to psychological methods of reducing one’s own psycho-emotional stress, there are methods of protection (rules of behavior) that help create a favorable socio-psychological environment during the discussion.

Let us highlight the most important rules of conduct:

The interlocutor is not always right, but often it is beneficial for us to admit that he is right, especially in small things.

Big moves are usually beneficial. They open up new opportunities, due to which the advantage lost for a while is quickly restored.

To a certain extent, comments and objections can be considered a natural phenomenon in any conversation, but in no case should you feel like an accused person who must, of course, defend himself.

In order to make it easier to understand the position of our interlocutor and his reaction, we need to try to look at the comments and at the interlocutor subjectively - from his point of view. The objective reason for comments can often be some small thing. At the moment of making a comment, the interlocutor rarely remains calm; as a rule, expecting our reaction, he becomes sensitive to any sign of distrust and defiant behavior. The conclusion suggests itself: in such situations, we must fully think through and control our behavior so as not to add fuel to the fire.

Remarks that are caused by the “inferiority complex” experienced by our interlocutor require special attention and great caution, since if he is insulted as a person, the matter can reach a scandal and the conversation can descend to the level of an ordinary quarrel.

It should be borne in mind that comments and observations do not always have to relate to the material as a whole, which is the subject of the conversation, but rather may relate to its appropriateness, choice and method of presentation.

There is no need to draw conclusions about the insincerity of our interlocutor until it is actually proven that he is not telling the truth. At the same time, it is better to try to justify the interlocutor than to immediately condemn him. He may be wrong in some ways, but despite this, you can trust him, which, of course, will greatly facilitate the achievement of mutual understanding in a business conversation.

If we go along with questionable comments and objections, this will certainly not mean that we take the blame upon ourselves or that these comments oblige us to anything in the future.

You can put your interlocutor in a good mood by making some concessions. But you need to know exactly the size of the concessions before deciding on them. Often the concession is actually less than it seems to us at first glance.

Any disagreement with a remark must be fully explained to the interlocutor (it must also be motivated from a psychological point of view), since a correct refutation of a remark can often increase our chances of success in a business conversation. We should refrain from clashes in conversation, as this can actually call into question the correctness of our relationship with the interlocutor.

When your interlocutor reacts emotionally, you should remember that you can hardly have a business-like conversation with an excited and agitated person. The interlocutor should always feel that we take his comment seriously and that we have carefully considered it before giving a final answer. In addition, it is advisable to express to him your thoughts about the remark and intermediate assessments, the linking of which leads to neutralization of the remark.

At the same time, of course, one should not rush to the other extreme - excessively delay explanations. You should make it easier for your interlocutor to express comments and objections, and try to detect his unspoken displeasure and excitement. Replying to clear and reasonable comments does not require special tactics or special interpretation. In such cases, if possible, we should, as soon as possible and with a sense of full responsibility and attention, sort out the mistakes due to which the interlocutor avoids us and leaves us without attention.

This is, in short, “bon ton” - the rules of good manners that should be followed when the interlocutor begins to make comments to us during a business conversation. These rules should not be adhered to too strictly, since they also develop and adapt to the practice and current norms of business conduct and, of course, to our personality and the personality of the interlocutor.

Psychologists also recommend resorting to various methods of ethical protection. Ethical protection is the actions of an individual carried out in order to protect against attacks on his dignity.

Now let's give an example from real life. The young lady says: “I was wearing a striped fur coat. The man behind said, “Do the tigers get off at the next stop?” I replied: “No, they let donkeys through!” I used to think that I handled the defense well and put the gentleman in his place. And now I see that I have descended to his level, without in any way initiating his subjectivity, and therefore, without performing any of the named functions. I suppressed the subject without changing him in any way.” We will present here several methods of ethical protection (some of which we will illustrate with examples), the further use of which is useful in any area of relationships.

Soft methods of protection:

1. Question for reproduction - to suspend the communication that has begun at a low level, belittling a person’s dignity. Please reproduce the words that allegedly turned out to be incomprehensible. Paradigms are used: “Sorry, I didn’t understand...?”, “I didn’t hear, could you repeat it?”, “What did you say?” Usually, the offender is not able to communicate at the level of his choice after such questions.

2. Question about the addressee - naive misunderstanding is instrumentalized. The impossibility of the form of communication proposed by the partner is declared. "Are you talking to me?" (facial expressions of bewilderment; plasticity of searching for who such an address is addressed to, but without ridicule, mockery, arrogance).

3. Cultural reproduction—produced for the purpose of correcting behavior. The point is to show your partner a different form of communication (cultural). Paradigm: “If I understand you correctly...”, and what the partner said is added, but in an ethical form (helps to bring it to a higher level of communication).

4. Reference to personal characteristics - a declaration, recognition of any personal qualities that do not allow a person to communicate at a given level: “I’m not used to this...”, “I’m always embarrassed...”, “I’m built in such a way that I can’t.” . The subject seems to regret that he cannot maintain communication at a given level, but this regret is firm and unwavering.

5. Justifying behavior is a way of elevating a partner, recognizing his merits. “You probably wanted...”, “You probably thought...”. The partner seems to see his good possibilities in the mirror. The offender unwittingly agrees with positive suggestions, and the level of communication rises higher.

In our example with the “tigers” and “donkeys,” this method could be the most effective, although it would look less impressive: “Perhaps you wanted to ask if I would let you (get off) at the next stop?” But you would raise your opponent to another level of communication and at the same time preserve his and your own dignity.

6. Showing kindness is a way of cheerfully ignoring what happened. Concentrating on detail. “It’s so good that you reminded me...”, “If it weren’t for you, I would have forgotten or not noticed...”, “Thank you for saying”, “How attentive you are to me...”

Now rehearse yourself, choosing the optimal method of soft defense in conditional situations.

Hard forms of protection

Strict forms of protection can only be used in relationships with adults. They are rarely used because they cause communication to be temporarily interrupted.

1. Generous forgiveness - visible resignation to the rudeness of a partner who cannot yet behave differently. “If you want it so much...”, “If this is the only way you can do it...”, “If it brings you a feeling of satisfaction...”. This is a strong impact that does not imply further communication or clarification of the relationship.

2. Comparison of the partner’s merits with his behavior - the hidden mechanism of influence of this form of protection lies in the elevation of the partner. The partner doesn’t want to fall from this height; he has something to lose. The paradigm of this method: “You are so ... (smart, decent) ah, ...". The last part of the phrase is unsaid, the offender completes it, thinks it out himself.

3. Leaving you alone is a tough and laconic method. Breaking relationships “here and now.” Responsibility for what was done is shifted to the partner. The paradigms used are: “You are probably not able to understand what you said,” “It’s a pity that you don’t realize what just happened,” “You don’t understand what you did.”

When using methods of ethical protection, it is important to ensure that you do not resort to moralizing and open assessment. It should be remembered that psychologists recommend using methods of ethical protection primarily in pre-conflict situations.

Where to start if you want to constructively criticize your opponent

Before building a dialogue, count to 10 and determine your motives; if they are aimed at benefit and help, express your point of view and be sure to justify it with arguments, but if they arose for the sake of your self-affirmation, then it is better to remain silent.

Your remarks should not sound like an accusation - you are not in court, and your colleague is not the accused. Reason, talk about shortcomings, but do it with respect and friendliness. There is a “sandwich rule” that says - when discussing, praise your interlocutor, then point out the shortcomings, and then again say a few compliments.

Rules for constructive criticism

In order for your judgments to appear objective, you must adhere to the following recommendations.

Prepare carefully for the conversation, think through all its details in advance.
Find the right moment. You need to create all the conditions for comfortable communication; there must be a calm environment so that no external irritants disturb you, and there are no unnecessary people present.
Determine whether the interlocutor wants to contact you. Don’t be intrusive, ask him what he’s doing, if he has a free minute, in case he’s very busy.
Praise him at the beginning of the conversation. And the opponent will not take the comments so painfully.
Speak sincerely from the heart, be gentle. For example: “I’m upset that you left yesterday without saying goodbye, I was worried, don’t do that again.”
If you are overwhelmed with joyful or negative emotions, try to contain them. It is better to express judgments in an even and calm voice.
Never criticize a person. You should evaluate not him, but his work and actions.
Motivate him, tell him about your mistakes, bad experiences in any business.
Be more specific, clearly formulate your thoughts: “I want you to stop misbehaving in class, this is a violation of the rules, you are interfering with the lessons.”
Prepare yourself, because the interlocutor may flare up, object, or behave aggressively. In such a situation, you need to remain calm, walk away from the conversation, and then continue when your opponent has calmed down.
If the communication was successful, end it on a positive note. Say: “You have come such a long way to achieve your goal, it is not easy, you should not give up, you are such a smart and capable person.”

You must understand that in front of you is a living person who has her own advantages and disadvantages, your thoughtless words can hurt and offend her, therefore, if you wish her well, try to objectively express your point of view.

Constructive criticism algorithm: basic steps

I will list step-by-step instructions on what should be done so that your opinion is adequately perceived by the other side. If this is a dialogue between a boss and a subordinate, the manager must adhere to the following algorithm.

Formulate the specific task that you have set for your interlocutor.
Next, explain to him reasonably and in detail what he was wrong about and what he did wrong.
Tell him that you are on his side, make him understand this in every possible way.
Support your colleague, reassure him, say a few compliments and send him to correct the shortcomings.

It is necessary to treat your subordinates with understanding, because the greater the motivation, the higher the productivity. Yelling and insults will make no employee work harder or more attentively.

Ask a question

Taking into account the psychological characteristics of partners in evaluative statements

Criticism only becomes useful when people accept it.

This rule can be reduced to the following settings:

— Criticism addressed to me is my personal reserve for improvement.

— Criticism is a form of help to eliminate shortcomings in work.

— There is no criticism from which one could not derive benefit.

— Any retouching of criticism is harmful, since it “drives the disease inside” and thereby makes it difficult to overcome shortcomings.

— The business perception of criticism should not depend on who (which person, for what purposes) makes critical remarks.

— The perception of criticism should not depend on the form in which it is presented: the main thing is that the shortcomings are analyzed.

— The central principle of constructive perception of criticism is “everything I have done can be done better.”

— The most valuable benefit of external criticism is to find a rational grain for yourself, even where it is not visible at first glance.

— Any criticism requires at least thinking about what caused it, and at most, how to correct the situation.

— A useful way to deal with criticism is to see areas of work that are outside your field of vision.

— The first step in correctly perceiving criticism is fixing it, the second is understanding from the point of view of its benefits to the cause, the third is correcting the shortcoming, the fourth is creating conditions that prevent its repetition.

— If they criticize me, it means they believe in my ability to fix things and work without failures.

— When there is no criticism addressed to you, this is an indicator of disdain for you as an employee or lack of faith in your ability to perceive it in a businesslike manner.

— The most valuable criticism is that which points out the imperfection of what seems normal.

— Criticism of the possible negative consequences of the decisions I have made is a prerequisite for the timely prevention of work failures.

— The person being criticized has no right to be offended; he only has the right to constructively comprehend what is said to him.

— The person being criticized has the right to counter-criticism. He can actively defend his position. The only thing he is strictly forbidden to do is distort facts for the sake of justification.

— A large number of biased (unfair) criticisms are an indicator of a poor psychological climate in the team. This in itself requires active critical reflection.

“If I reacted to a critical remark with restraint and in a businesslike manner, it means I have overcome myself, I am a strong person.”

- Any criticism is useful if only because it allows you to find out the attitude of the critic towards you, which could be expressed in more extreme forms.

“People are most impressed by a response to criticism that contains specific commitments about what will be done to improve things, with a specific time frame and realistic possibilities.”

— Acknowledging criticism means accepting responsibility for correcting shortcomings.

- Even if the critic is mistaken, one should not rush to rebuke him: in order to involve others in the sphere of criticism, it is useful to support his attempt to critically understand the matter.

All participants in the discussion of any problem have the same rights and are equally subject to these rules.

How to respond to comments

First, realize that they help us develop if we listen to them, calmly listen to advice and extract something useful from it for ourselves.

You should not take any statement with hostility, if working on the project took you a lot of time and you put a lot of effort - this does not mean that the result of your hard work is ideal. Respond to critical comments with dignity, acceptance, and calm.

Also, you should not make excuses to critics; it is better to silently listen to advice and recommendations, answer questions if necessary, and then, after thanking all participants in the dialogue, leave the room.

Tips for parents

I will list several recommendations that will help teach a child how to properly respond to objective and biased judgments of outsiders.

Convey to your child the importance of remaining calm. He should not contradict the teacher, make tearful excuses or behave aggressively.
Contact him often so that you know about all the abuse he is subjected to. Be honest with each other.
Teach him to stand up for himself and respond correctly to destructive judgments.
Don't raise a perfectionist and don't tell him that he is to blame for something. Bring your life experience, when you made a lot of mistakes, he should understand that every person existing in this world had to make mistakes.

Adequate perception of all comments and assessments of critics is the key to stable career and spiritual growth. Without self-improvement, you will not be able to lead your work and family life.