Domestic violence is a fairly common problem that, unfortunately, is usually ignored. Nevertheless, situations where men beat women cannot be ignored. Why is this happening? What is the possible way out of such situations?
Bias towards women
Unfortunately, a large number of men have a prejudiced attitude towards the opposite sex (which may be due to their upbringing or the influence of friends). They consider women second-class citizens who are called upon to remain silent and serve men. Naturally, when a woman shows some kind of activity or begins to defend her rights, this is perceived with hostility.
How to help you stop drinking?
A woman who loves her husband can help him stop drinking. However, neither talk nor ultimatums on her part will help correct the situation. A person who regularly drinks alcohol every day needs treatment and rehabilitation, which is carried out in special centers.
Often, people with alcoholism do not recognize their own problem and categorically refuse medical help. This is where a loving wife can help. Convincing an alcoholic to undergo treatment means providing him with the best help.
Offense against a woman
There are a lot of psychologists' opinions about why men beat women. In particular, there is a version that representatives of the stronger sex blame their companions for some failures in life and thus take out their grievances. For example, a friend became pregnant, the guy had to get married, which entailed some consequences. Perhaps this prevented him from getting his dream profession, perhaps he had to give up true love, perhaps an early marriage destroyed his dreams of traveling, and so on. This resentment lives in the head and periodically makes itself felt in the form of attacks of aggression.
Alcohol and drug abuse
Alcohol and drug intoxication is one of the main causes of domestic violence. What do psychologists think about this? Why does a man hit a woman when he drinks? It is difficult to give a specific answer, because alcohol affects a person unpredictably. It is almost impossible to determine what exactly is going on in his head at this moment. But most psychologists agree that in a state of intoxication a person becomes liberated and releases all the negative feelings that he had previously suppressed. It’s not for nothing that they say: “What’s on a sober man’s mind is on a drunk man’s tongue.” Well, or on a fist.
How to stop my husband's assault?
Good afternoon, I am 32 years old, my husband is 35 years old. We are Western Kazakhs. Married for 7 years, dated for 4 years. There are two children: a daughter, 6 years old, and a son, 2 years old. I always earned more than my husband, even when we were dating, I got married at 25. The only thing he helps with is cutting wood in the apartment, and now my daughter helps. He believes that all the duties of the wife. You don’t have time, sit at home and be content with what I earn. A year later, she gave birth to a daughter, and after a while the husband began to be physically rude, either hitting the arm, then the legs, then the head, or deliberately pinching our hands so that it would hurt when we slightly quarrel or swear, etc. Mostly they fought over money, that is, he reproached me for earning more and behaving disrespectfully towards him. Although I was never the first to yell at him, never swear, I always treat his relatives well, we live with my mother-in-law, I always try to be a good daughter-in-law, wife, mother due to the upbringing of my parents. In 2013, my husband began to believe more deeply in Islam. I stopped drinking, smoking, started reading religious books, and visiting the mosque. Afterwards, his demands on me intensified: not to wear anything above the knees, not to drink at all (although I only drink semi-dry white wine, I can’t stand the rest), not to sit with people who drink, not to have alcohol in the house. At those moments, we often argued, swore, quarreled, and it came to physical assault, sometimes even in front of my mother-in-law and daughter. The next day he walks around as if nothing had happened, starts a conversation, becomes polite, and so everything just goes by. The children love him very much, especially his daughter, he also loves them very much, he can come in the middle of the party to put his daughter to bed and then go back, for the sake of the children he can refuse friends, for him mother and children come first. In the last 3 months, I was given 1 additional project at work for additional payment, before I agreed, I talked with him, explained that I could sometimes be late and not always leave work at 6 pm, and only after his approval I agreed to the additional work. I'm home every weekend and holiday. Only on weekdays can I stay until 8 pm. After two weeks, he began to reproach me, I was silent, because I understood that this could not have happened without my mother-in-law. Then, when I was indignant that I was being paid for the project, that he knew in advance and that he agreed, he didn’t know what to answer, only angrily said that he would “fuck me,” I tried not to push it and remain silent, but sometimes I received slaps and blows. I can’t go to my parents, I don’t want to disgrace them. Mom is already suffering from blood pressure, sugar and heart problems. And dad will probably be very disappointed. But yesterday morning my husband beat me in front of the children, the reason was that I didn’t come home from work on time, and then I told him to try to find a job that pays more, because his earnings are not enough for us and I will sit at home and take care of the children and the house. For this, he beat me and began to destroy everything around, he didn’t even stop when the children cried and asked. I begged him not to beat me in front of the children when he kicked me in the head. Then he threw the children out of the room, locked the door, wrapped a towel around his fist and said that he would “f*ck me, but no one would know,” only bruises remained from what he kicked. I can’t lift my right arm and my whole body hurts. My mother-in-law was not at home. I managed to break free, grab the body and call my mother-in-law, but he snatched the body and threw it on the sofa and continued to beat me and said that he would teach me how to respect a man, if my parents did not teach me this. But it turns out my mother-in-law heard on the phone. From the humiliation suffered, from the feeling of guilt in front of the children, so that this would stop quickly, I lost my mind and climbed to the window, to be honest, now I don’t remember how everything happened and how I felt. My husband pushed me back into the room and at that time the children came running, I hugged them and just sobbed and calmed them down. After a while, my mother-in-law came and, having learned that I had climbed out the window, began to scold and reproach me, so that I should call my parents and if I suddenly get my hands on myself, she does not want her son to go to prison. What all women get from their husbands and only fools like me who are not normal can climb out the window. At that moment, anger at my husband gave way to complete disappointment and indifference, where I got up from my seat without shedding a tear and silently went to clean the kitchen. A few minutes later I heard my husband’s voice as he forbade my mother-in-law to call my parents. Then she automatically continued cleaning and doing laundry around the house, without a tear. As usual, everyone behaved as usual, except for me, but I didn’t show it. The husband, as if nothing had happened, approached with questions, to which she answered briefly and reluctantly. I don’t love my husband as much as before, but I will never forgive him, because I remember in my memory and in my heart every assault he made. But for the sake of the children, I will never be the first to file for divorce. I will step over myself once again and continue my life for the sake of my children. I try to forget and not ruin life for myself, my children, or those around me. Sometimes I wonder if this is right? For me, the main thing is children, their future. I myself have two higher educations and a master’s degree. I know 3 languages, I work for a large oil company. My husband also has 2 higher educations and works in a good company. For me, the most important thing for children is where they will feel better. Sometimes I think about divorce, but I don’t want the children to live in an incomplete family and so that they don’t feel disadvantaged and children of a divorcee, etc. I ask you for advice on how to stop my husband’s assault? Would it be better for children to live in a full-fledged family, where every six months the father is a tyrant and the mother cries hysterically, or in a family where the father and mother are divorced? Thanks a lot. I apologize in advance for the emotionally chaotic letter.
How to stop assault in the family? (2 answers)
Problems in society
Family psychology provides a lot of interesting information. Why does a man hit a woman? The opinion of psychologists forces us to pay attention to the social sphere. Perhaps the man has conflicts at work or disagreements with friends. But for some reason he does not want (or cannot) conflict with the offender. As a result, he brings all the aggression home and takes it out on his wife.
Where to contact?
When a man raises his hand against a woman, it is not only immoral, but also illegal. When a husband commits such a cruel act against his wife, you need to know where she can turn for help. But first you need to remember that as soon as a fight breaks out with her husband, the woman should try to quickly leave the “battlefield”.
If a woman intends to radically solve the problem with beatings and stop them forever, she will have to gradually visit several authorities to confirm the fact of violence, these are:
- police;
- medical facility (so that the doctor records the beating);
- advocate;
- court.
The victim must apply for protection in this order, since not all types of assault will allow the case to reach the court.
For example, if the husband’s actions caused minor bruises or he slapped him in the face, and there were no threats on his part with a weapon in his hands, the police will not accept such a statement of beating.
In this regard, the process of punishing a socially dangerous person can begin only in the presence of serious bodily injuries. And this, in accordance with the norms of criminal law, is punishable by various penalties (up to imprisonment).
Expert opinion
Irina Vasilyeva
Civil law expert
The wife needs to prove the fact of complete defenselessness before her husband. Until this moment, it is pointless to hope for help from the state and complain to various authorities, with the exception of filing an application as part of a private prosecution.
Star influence
Questions like “Why does the Snake man beat the Horse woman?” or “What are the reasons for domestic violence in Aquarius?” seem ridiculous. However, knowing the characteristics of the zodiac signs, you can to some extent predict what kind of situation may cause assault. Here are the main factors of aggression for different zodiac signs:
- Aries. This is one of the most hot-tempered characters in the zodiac circle. These people are especially aggressive when forced to do something they don't want to do. Aries also cannot stand moral pressure.
- Calf. This is a very friendly sign, whose representatives are not so easy to piss off. But if this happens, be prepared for a stormy stream of aggression. The main reasons why a Taurus man beats a woman is humiliation and betrayal.
- Twins. Behavior is difficult to predict. A calm person can flare up in a minute. The reason is an attempt to teach and command.
- Cancer. A very soft and affectionate person. He begins to get angry if close people ignore him, pay little attention, and skimp on expressions of love.
- A lion. Loses his temper with or without reason. Any little thing can cause a scandal; it is difficult to predict and anticipate an outbreak of aggression.
- Virgo. A patient and loving person who can keep negative emotions inside for a long time. The cause of aggression can be accumulated resentment about a situation that occurred in the past.
- Scales. A peace-loving sign that does not tolerate conflicts and tries to avoid them. Outbursts of anger arise from many irritating nuances that accumulate over a period of time.
- Scorpion. An unbalanced person who gets angry himself and wreaks havoc around him. After an irritating situation, he does not react immediately, but carefully plans the course of the conflict.
- Sagittarius. A quick-tempered person who can get angry at the most unexpected reasons. A careless statement that contradicts a person’s views can make him angry.
- Capricorn. Quite calm and flexible, but very strict and demanding person. Lack of discipline and irresponsibility can make him angry.
- Aquarius. A relaxed and peaceful sign. A meaningless argument “for the sake of argument” can drive him crazy.
- Fish. A melancholic and peace-loving person, who, however, is prone to extremes. He doesn’t like to sort things out, but he can lose his temper from offensive injustice.
Women's mistakes that lead to beatings
There is no justifiable reason why men hit women. However, women sometimes make mistakes that can directly or indirectly provoke this situation. Here are the main points:
My husband beats me - is it worth saving such a marriage for the sake of the children?
It is especially terrible when children see the beatings. Such a picture can cause serious psychological trauma to children.
Important: Dear women! There is no need to try to save a marriage with a tyrant because of children. Your children don't need this.
Of course, children need both a mother and a father. But the main condition is that there is love, mutual understanding and peace between parents. If this is not the case, the child will only get worse.
You must choose the lesser of two evils. And if a child regularly sees dad hitting mom, it’s better to live separately. If a man is a normal father, he will see the child later, provide him with financial assistance and participate in his upbringing.
It is important for a child that both parents are happy. Then the child himself is happy. Even if parents simply quarrel and are unhappy with each other, the child suffers and worries. But it’s another thing when a child sees a beating. As mentioned above, a child can receive serious psychological trauma. This trauma can cause a lot of trouble for a child, even when he becomes an adult.
- For a girl, such a situation can serve as a signal that men should be afraid. She will not be able to build a normal relationship with a normal man.
- Already an adult girl can choose a husband who will also give up in the future.
- A boy can absorb his father's behavior pattern. He can become an aggressor when he himself becomes a grown man.
Children during family quarrels
In addition, living in constant fear can provoke a decrease in the child’s immunity and further frequent illnesses. Think about whether children need this imaginary happiness in a complete family. You shouldn’t feel bad and be afraid that your child will judge you for depriving him of his family. Believe me, the child will definitely not thank you for such a childhood.
A normal, psychologically healthy family environment is what children need.
Children of different ages experience violence against their mother in different ways:
- Children under one year old do not yet understand what happened.
- Children 3-5 years old simply experience fear and anxiety.
- Children of primary school age begin to understand and feel sorry for their mother.
- Teenagers experience such situations extremely painfully, hold a grudge against their parents, want to take revenge on the offender, and feel guilty.
The first question a woman should ask herself is: is such a situation worth, first of all, the peace of mind of the child. The answer is obvious.
My husband hits me - what to do?
What to do?
If you are faced with beatings, the main thing is not to remain silent and not to endure. You can do the following:
How to avoid domestic violence
Realizing the peculiarities of the psychology of beatings in the family, the husband and wife can try to correct the situation if they really value their relationship. If a guy realizes that his behavior is inappropriate, he should consult a psychologist and undergo a course of therapy aimed at developing internal self-control.
The wife of a tyrant husband also needs psychological help. Expert advice will help her build the necessary psychological boundaries and restore peace of mind. But if a man refuses to seek psychological help, the only way to avoid domestic violence is to separate. You cannot give in to persuasion and believe promises of improvement. The tendency to aggression cannot disappear; inadequacy only increases. And if at first the husband allows himself only light pushes and slaps, soon they will turn into full-fledged beatings. The longer a wife endures aggression, the more difficult it is to get out of this relationship and start a new one.
To forgive or not to forgive?
Whatever the answer to the question of why a man beats the woman he loves, the attitude towards such behavior should be extremely negative. But oddly enough, many women who experience domestic violence forgive the domestic tyrant, continue living together and endure periodic attacks. There may be several reasons for this phenomenon:
What do psychologists say about this? If the beatings are of a regular, repeating nature, there can be no talk of any forgiveness or hope for change. This is an already established habit, lifestyle, or even mental illness. A woman should think about her safety.
If the assault was one-time in nature, it is worth analyzing the situation. What was the reason? Perhaps you drove a man to white heat with your words or actions? If there were no provocations on your part, this is already an alarm bell. Don't wait for the man to hit you again.
My husband hit me in the face: what should I do?
In this situation, women act differently. One will forgive and forget, the other will not tolerate such behavior and will break off the relationship forever. It is very important not to take the position of a victim: “He hit me, but it was my own fault, I provoked him.”
A healthy and adequate man understands that no matter how much she wants, a woman (unless, of course, she is a master of sports in martial arts) will not be able to resist him.
Raising his hand to the lady, he admits his own powerlessness and inability to solve problems in another way.
It doesn’t matter whether the man slapped him in the face or slapped him on the back: the fact remains that this is physical violence. Why do wives forgive abusive husbands?
- Material dependence . The wife simply has nowhere to go, nothing to feed the child, she has no loved ones who would support her in this situation. Not everyone will decide to just take a suitcase and go nowhere. Especially if you have a baby.
- The beauty and the Beast . “I will re-educate him” is a very dangerous delusion. In 95 cases out of 100, the magical transformation does not occur. An aggressive and jealous person continues to actively demonstrate his temperament. And the lady can either admit defeat and leave, or endure his antics for the rest of her life.
- A pity . This is a syndrome of chronic masochism. Such a woman considers herself to be to blame for all troubles, and her husband is a white and fluffy bunny. Here it is not the aggressor, but the victim who first of all needs psychological help.
Family problems specialist Lyudmila Ovsyanik painted a psychological portrait of a victim of domestic violence:
“This is low self-esteem, increased anxiety and suggestibility, and lack of self-confidence.
In adult victims, there is a justification for the actions of the offender (“the victim is always to blame”), an exaggerated sense of guilt, a suppressed feeling of anger, and the belief that no one can really help.
Women have a diminished understanding of the role of women in society and in the family.
The adult victim is afraid of publicity, changes in social status, condemnation (“it’s her own fault,” “she earned it”), or the overly painfully perceived sympathy of others.
He is afraid of the instability of his life if he leaves his family: often it is the lack of housing and means of livelihood that forces victims to endure violence for many years.”
It is necessary to clearly define the boundaries of what is permissible, otherwise isolated cases can develop into regular beatings.
How to recognize a potential bully
You can talk a lot about why men beat women, but it’s better to never deal with this, because the consequences can be very dire, even fatal. Therefore, even at the initial stage of a relationship, you need to take a close look at the man. A potential fighter can be recognized by the following signs:
How to behave during a drunken attack of aggression?
Every woman, being married to a fan of alcohol, should know how to behave with an aggressive husband who has too much to drink. It should be remembered that in order to calm down a drunk person and not provoke an even greater attack of aggression, it is necessary:
- Talk to him as usual: in a calm voice, restraining your own emotions. You should not show your fear, because this can be regarded as a sign of weakness, and a weak person is always a potential victim.
- Agree on everything and promise what the rowdy demands. Most likely, when he sobers up, he will no longer remember the subject of the conversation;
- Remember an incident when a person who had too much alcohol was at his best, and praise him.
If you are unlucky enough to meet a drunken aggressor on the street, then you need to try to keep your distance and calmly leave, pretending that you are moving along a pre-planned trajectory. You should avoid looking directly into the eyes of such a person, and if he tries to speak, answer calmly.
