How to survive the betrayal of a loved one - advice from a psychologist

This article is dedicated to benefits of betrayalas a way of life. Its goal is to recruit new members to the club of traitors and lightly troll the rest. If you are not in the mood for jokes, then you can read about how to quickly cope with the consequences, learn about the roots of the problem, or build (with considerable effort) reliable protection against subsequent betrayals. So, try to imagine a world full of traitors...

You can say one thing and do another
You can go back on your promises
You can have fun when others are sad
You can leave those with whom it is uninteresting and difficult
You can do whatever you want
You can experiment and take risks
You can be wrong
You can be a carefree child

Betrayal and lies, deceit and cowardice are common manifestations of a normal child. And there is a world full of traitors, there is a world full of children. It is more dangerous than in a world where there are no traitors, but there are more chances for happiness. If you, in principle, do not allow such manifestations to occur to yourself and your loved ones, you are betraying yourself and them in the most important way.

Injustice that cuts the soul

What phrase? Yes, a couple of unremarkable words about how a person who was once close to you and the one whom you previously considered your friend spent a wonderful holiday together during the New Year holidays.

Do you remember? Do you feel all the pain and disappointment rising in your throat again? How did an unbearable feeling of injustice, anger and disappointment engulf your entire body, squeezing it from all sides? Something broke inside, and the torn ends of this “something” still cut your soul.

Do you remember how at that very moment you wanted to destroy them both? Take revenge on them for their betrayal and lies. A lie that was played out in front of you like a performance every time you met and communicated together for several years.

Do you remember the day when you wrote a message that the show of lies was over? How did he pour out a couple of sheets of accusatory text, torn by rage, hatred and pain at the same time?

Do you remember how in response you received a sincere apology and a request for forgiveness for everything? Apologies for lying, because they were afraid to tell the truth so as not to hurt you. Funny paradox, right? They were afraid to hurt you with the truth, but in reality they pierced your heart with lies, like a sharp spear, the wound from which has not healed to this day.

Betrayal and the One Who Doesn't Betray

Lord Almighty. Part of Disis. Church of St. Sofia, Constantinople

“Every man is a lie”... How many times have each of us read, heard or spoken these words of the psalmist! But how differently they can resonate in the heart... It’s one thing when you simply read the rule for Communion, which includes the 115th psalm that begins with this phrase. You may not even pay attention to it. It’s different when you realize that you yourself are a lie. Here you can even find some consolation: yes, you are dishonest, deceitful, fickle, but it’s not only you who are like that, but “every person” in general. But if they betrayed you, let you down, abandoned you, left you without help exactly when you needed it most... Then you comprehend all the power, all the mournful depth of this prophetic statement. Because it is very difficult - not only to find yourself alone, alone with your misfortune and pain, but also to suddenly understand that those whom you hoped for, whom you considered a faithful friend, brother, sister, actually did not have the same feelings for you . Or they fed and stopped feeding. Such a discovery can not only hurt the soul, sometimes it can actually kill it, destroy something very important in it, necessary in order not to exist, but to live.

And therefore we can say this: the sooner we learn that “every man is a lie,” the fewer disappointments await us, the fewer tragic surprises. What you're ready for doesn't hurt as much. Or, again, it doesn’t kill, at least. The only question is how to live with this knowledge? Seeing everyone around you as potential traitors, not trusting anyone, not believing a single word? Not to get close and not to become close to anyone, to isolate yourself from the whole world, to hide, since “they are like that”? Turn into a hunted, frightened, wild animal looking around in disbelief? No, of course not.

Any understanding of the depravity and tragedy of our life here, devoid of love, as Ecclesiastes asserted, only multiplies sorrow (Eccl. 1:18). Moreover, such an understanding.

Are you betrayed and abandoned, are you hurt and scared? Run, cling as close as possible to the One Who Himself was betrayed and abandoned by everyone. He will console, reassure... And you will see that in spite of everything, in spite of everything that has happened to you, you are not alone, and not abandoned, and not forgotten, and not betrayed. Because He alone never abandons, forgets or betrays. Only He is One! But this is not just “enough.” In general, this contains everything that is necessary.

And only the Lord will teach you how to love those who did not have enough love for you, how to forgive, and will give you the necessary strength and no less necessary wisdom. Because it is the Lord. And next to Him, the impossible becomes possible, unbearable pain is transformed into joy, all contradictions are removed, all barriers crumble. Just to be close to Him - as close as possible...

Repressed pain of resentment

Of course you tried to get rid of the pain. First I cut these people out of my life. Then I tried to forget everything that connected you with them. I deleted my phones, stopped communicating with mutual friends, and erased all memories from my memory.

Years passed. Vivid impressions gradually replaced the pain of resentment and injustice. New acquaintances and friends filled me with positive emotions and delighted me with a sincere attitude. Gradually, it began to seem to you that you had probably forgiven your offenders, since memories of them no longer brought internal discomfort. You rejoiced at this fact, because in your heart you had long wanted to forgive them.

True, the joy of forgiveness was short-lived. Exactly until the moment you met them by chance together. At that very second, an avalanche of negative emotions hit you, all the scars of hard-healed mental wounds were torn. The suffocating pain of disappointment and a sense of injustice rose in my throat again. The illusion of forgiveness collapsed and was broken into small pieces. Only one thought flashed through my head: “Why am I in so much pain again, because it seemed to me that I had forgiven them?”

The rest of the day you walked around, not finding a place for yourself. The mental pain did not subside, and its wick is still smoldering. You clearly realized that you forgave them only with your mind, but not with your heart. And only one question gnaws at you day after day: “How to forgive betrayal and lies with all your heart?”

Is it possible to forgive cheating with another woman?

Depends on the situation. If there are no children in your family, then the decision will be easier. It is also worth paying attention to factors such as the repentance of the chosen one and whether the other woman was a permanent lover or whether their relationship turned out to be fleeting.

It happens that a man deliberately lives for several months, or even years, in two families, unable to decide who is dearer to him. In this case, it is better to ease the agony of choice and start looking for a life partner for whom you will be the only woman you love.

It’s a completely different case if your lover was seduced or spent the night with another woman after a quarrel with you. Under such circumstances, it is also not easy to forgive a person, but if he sincerely repents of what he did, then you can try to understand him. Most likely, this connection was fleeting and meaningless to the man. Of course, you shouldn’t immediately pretend that nothing happened - ask to be given a few days to think about what happened. After this, tell your lover that you forgive him, but if this happens again, you will not be able to stay together. During the period of your reflection, the man will probably realize how dear you are to him and how much he does not want to lose you, and subsequently will value your relationship more.

Of course, if you understand that even a fleeting affair is too much for you, and you will never come to terms with it, then you will have to end the affair. You will come to the same decision sooner or later if the chosen one does not feel guilty for what happened, and periodically raises reasonable suspicions of new betrayal with his behavior.

If you haven’t been together for too long and haven’t started a family yet, then you should think about whether you want such a person in your life. A guy who decides to betray you is unlikely to value you highly. However, if you see that he is very upset about what happened and considers it a big mistake, then you can try to give him another chance, and nothing more.

Are there children in your family? Then in this situation, you have to think not only about yourself, but also about them. If betrayal by your spouse occurs systematically, again and again making you upset, worry and cry, then, undoubtedly, an unhealthy psychological climate reigns in your family, which is not good for the children. Instead of spending time with your child, you are busy thinking about what is going on in your relationship with your husband. By forgiving the traitor again and again, you do not save the family at all - only its appearance is preserved. By doing this, you undermine your health and spoil your mood, depriving the child of communication with a happy mother.

The situation is completely different if the spouse stumbled once, realized his mistake and does not want to lose you. Talk to your husband, make it clear to the end why this happened, and how you can restore trust. Convey to him that this should not happen again if he wants to be the head of a friendly and happy family. It may be necessary for the two of you to visit a family psychologist if you realize that you cannot cope with what happened on your own. For a person who regrets what he did, his own betrayal, like it for you, is a serious stress. Consider a change of scenery for a while and relieve tension in the family by going on a short trip together or at least spending a weekend in an interesting place.

The world through the prism of a square

In order to understand these emotional states, as well as to get rid of them forever, you first need to understand their causes. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan will help us understand these cause-and-effect relationships.

As Yuri Burlan’s Systemic Vector Psychology explains, a feeling of injustice, betrayal and resentment arises only in people with an anal vector in a certain state.

The reasons for the appearance of such states lie in our unconscious. More precisely, each vector has a certain prism of perception of the world around. In the anal vector, it is the shape of a square, that is, a figure with straight sides.

- How to let go of the setup and betrayal?

______________

How to forgive a person? Betrayal hits you where it hurts and is most vulnerable, so you don’t see any opportunity to forgive with all your heart. In theory, you know that you need to forgive and let go in order to move on with your life. And for a short time you have the feeling that you have succeeded, but then the resentment again begins to eat away at your soul, and you realize that somewhere there, deep inside yourself, you cannot forgive with all your heart.

Forgiveness comes from your head, but the depths of your soul do not respond, and you understand it. You feel that this resentment does not allow you to live calmly and joyfully; you periodically return to this topic, remembering betrayal, betrayal and your pain.

And it seems that time does not heal this pain, it only sews up the wounds, leaving deep scars in the very heart.

For true forgiveness to come, you must first understand that the person who betrayed you did not come into your life by chance, and betrayal is your life lesson that you can learn thanks to him.

You, of course, can send curses to him, be angry with him, hate him, not forgive, hold a grudge, blame him for ruining your life. You can do whatever you want, but it will not help you and will not ease your suffering.

This does not mean that cheating is good, and your partner acted this way because of your fault, of course not. But you attracted him into your life.

Somewhere in the subconscious, you saw and felt what your chosen one is capable of and what he is not. But you were too enamored with the attention and love he was giving you. Have you ever thought about how small discontent at the beginning of a relationship will develop into big complaints in your life together? And these are not the only omissions.

And these are not all your mistakes. Your very mental structure is tuned to such a person. It existed within you long before it came into your life.

Your inner theater has attracted the appropriate hero for its play. Therefore, by and large, he has nothing to do with it, you yourself, without suspecting it, created your own internal drama, and this person came into your life to play the role already prepared for him.

You followed your unconscious script without a choice. By blaming your partner, you do not change anything within yourself; you continue to be captive of your script, causing yourself suffering. Think about yourself and your soul.

____________

Warp of the inner square

In Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan it is said that representatives of the anal vector often use words such as “equally”, “fairly”, “in half”, “honestly”. It is with these words that they notify the outside world about their psychological comfort.

The straight sides of the square represent a rigidly fixed structure. Any distortion of at least one of the edges of the square leads to a violation of the geometric integrity of the square.

The same thing happens to the psyche of a person with an anal vector. Any deviation from his concepts of justice and truth leads to internal distortion and, as a result, causes terrible psychological discomfort. Any negative word or deed instantly triggers this mechanism, turning it into a strong feeling of injustice. Immediately a resentment forms, the person withdraws, becomes gloomy and even goes into a state of stupor, in which he mentally returns to the offender, replays the situation again and again, mentally proving his own rightness.

Being in this state, the representative of the anal vector wants to equalize his internal imbalance. He wants to restore justice to himself in any way, and the option of returning to this balance is to take revenge on the offender.

If you immediately ask for forgiveness, then the anal person automatically becomes equalized. But if you leave him in an offended state for a long time, then the desire for revenge will grow exponentially, leaving him all this time in terrible internal discomfort.

Love and betrayal: a woman's view

Psychologically, it is very difficult for a woman to understand the reason for betrayal, and she plunges into the abyss of soul-searching in search of the culprit. In this process, she may make many mistakes that will significantly affect her self-esteem and future life. So, what happens to a woman who knows about her husband’s betrayal:

A woman with irresistible force strives to get at least one glimpse of her rival. This should not be done under any pretext. Visualizing a rival will only aggravate the state of depression and melancholy in which the deceived wife is immersed. Think about it, if your rival turns out to be younger, more beautiful and more successful, what kind of blow will this cause to your pride? Psychologists note that the image of a rival is practically imprinted in a woman’s consciousness, and she begins to cultivate shortcomings (explicit or imaginary), causing pity for herself on the part of her husband and friends. To get out of this state, she will need many months of careful work on herself. Most likely, you will need the help of a professional psychoanalyst.
The woman blames herself for everything that happened. Most often, this reaction occurs in women with a victim mentality. The deceived wife strives to correct the situation and become several times better than her rival. She extinguishes the anger caused by betrayal and activates the functions of mother, mistress and mistress, bringing them to almost perfection. Unfortunately, this path cannot help a woman survive her husband’s betrayal, and after a while she comes to the stage of aggression. In particularly difficult cases, suppressing anger can lead a deceived woman to the clinic of neuroses; quite often neuroses provoke the appearance of other diseases, such as ulcers and cancer.
Overly emotional people throw out all their pain on a man. They see only him as the culprit for the betrayal that happened and in every possible way remind him of what happened. Unfortunately, a woman is not able to think rationally at such moments, and with her behavior she pushes her husband away. After some time, when emotions subside, the woman may understand that the family is already lost and the man has made the final decision by choosing a rival.

It is worth noting that any reaction of a woman to her husband’s betrayal is a normal and natural attempt to survive the situation. The main thing is that the woman allows herself to throw out negative emotions and approaches the solution of the problem with a sober head. If for six months she cannot cope with her emotions and her husband’s betrayal still causes her uncontrollable anger, she needs to contact a specialist who will help her approach the stage of “reconciliation” with the betrayal that happened.

Closed doors of trust

According to System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan, such an internal distortion also occurs in the case of betrayal. Only owners of the anal vector perceive betrayal as betrayal and injustice towards them.

The fact is that the concept of family relationships among people with an anal vector is at the highest level of the hierarchy of values. They experience an absolute sense of inner comfort, giving their partner their care, devotion and fidelity. They expect the same and in the same quantity in relation to themselves.

In case of betrayal, all their values are shattered. All the love, care and trust given turns out to be devalued. A person develops a strong resentment and a feeling that his highest values have been betrayed and trampled upon. From this moment on, the owner of the anal vector slams the doors of trust forever, hangs a barn lock on them, the key to which remains only with him.

Deception is choosing one way of looking at a situation over others.

Cinema is a deception of the eyes, music is also a deception of the ears... every art is a deception of the senses. The ban on deception blocks a person’s ability to change his point of view on a situation. All our points of view are subjective, there is always something left out and something distorted. Any words can be deception. And to believe that there are phrases and actions that do not contain a drop of deception is naive and painful, because it is unrealistic... i.e. also a deception. Even the traffic light is green at one moment and red at another . He can also be called a deceiver. If you can't express your outrage directly...

Why do we get stuck in grievances?

People with an anal vector are naturally endowed with excellent memory, as well as a desire to often return to situations from the past. These qualities are given to anal people by nature so that they can fully realize their abilities in society, that is, accumulate the experience of the past and pass it on to the future generation. Otherwise, we would reinvent the wheel every time, instead of developing further. Therefore, it is from anal people that real experts in their field, teachers and professors emerge.

However, when these properties of memory are used for personal purposes, they also sink anal people on their own ship of grievances, not allowing them to forget and forgive the situations of bygone days.

How to survive betrayal: ways to get rid of pain

Any creature comes into this world defenseless and helpless. In the first months of its existence, a baby is not able to provide for itself; it cannot support its life on its own. The baby can only trust the world around him, in the hope that it will allow him to be alive and provide him with everything he needs. At first, the child seeks support from the closest people: mother and father. He believes them unconditionally. The baby needs not only food and water, warmth and sun. The baby needs unconditional parental love, which gives confidence that nothing bad will happen to him and that he is safe. In the third year of life, a person’s zone of social interaction expands, new connections appear: he finds himself in the Big World. The baby establishes new contacts, acquires skills to interact with others, and learns to build relationships with other people. He tries to successfully interact with peers, older children, and adult passers-by. At the same time, the child treats everyone with trust and does not expect tricks from others. Years go by, and the grown-up child comes into contact with the realities of a world in which deception, envy, lies, meanness, and betrayal exist. He has to master the methods by which he can clearly establish who is in front of him - a friend or an enemy. However, a person retains trust in close people. He trusts his parents, relatives, friends, loved one, life partner, colleagues, business partners. Until he personally experiences human betrayal. Faced with betrayal, the person is overcome by a wave of seething feelings. He feels bewildered, not understanding how a loved and dear person could act so basely. He feels anger, frustration, resentment, anger at the whole world. He can blame and reproach himself, dressing himself in the trappings of a loser. Or there is complete emptiness, when it seems that the whole world has turned its back and people are turned against you. Betrayal and deceit have been familiar since the time of Christ, when Judas Iscariot betrayed the Lord for 30 pieces of silver. The theme of betrayal worried poets and writers. The fact of such vile deeds being committed is captured on the canvases of brilliant artists. Many films and songs have been written about love and betrayal. Read on to learn why “The Kiss of Judas” is so scary and painful for any person. What is the essence of betrayal: unexpected pain
How does betrayal happen?
The Kiss of Judas occurs in different ways.
But betrayal is always unexpected, it’s like a knife in the back. After all, the essence of this deceit is the sudden collapse of a person’s trust in the aspects that are most important to him. Betrayal is committed treacherously, destroying existing faith in moments. It is impossible to predict and foresee. A person is not able to spread straw in advance where he is destined to fall. What is the essence of betrayal?
Although Jesus’ path to the resurrection and salvation of sinful humanity passed precisely through betrayal, over millennia the pain from such perpetrated deceit has overcome intensely, turning the soul inside out.
Although betrayal happens at every turn, such treachery causes great pain to a person, leaving deep wounds and unhealing scars. Although lies, deceit, betrayal, and scams are quite common phenomena, it is impossible to vaccinate against betrayal, and it is impossible to get used to it even with heroic efforts of will. What is the peculiarity of betrayal?
It has a very unpleasant characteristic.
Such a treacherous phenomenon is an extremely complicated case, which is accompanied by a sophisticated search for the truth by the victim and masochistic self-flagellation. A devoted person temporarily becomes Sherlock Holmes, trying to get to the truth of why he was deceived and abandoned. However, unlike a wise detective, most often the person places the blame for such a vile act on his own personality. Another feature of betrayal is that the victim is instantly rewarded with clouding of reason. A betrayed person instantly loses the ability to objectively perceive what is happening, draw reasonable conclusions and see the world in real terms. Often, betrayal leads to the fact that the victim begins to fiercely hate the whole wide world, attributing to everyone around him the traits of villains and scum. Betrayal has another distinctive feature. Despite the thousand-year history of apostasy, betrayal, and meanness, such phenomena have not been sufficiently studied by psychologists. Until today, there are no clear rules on how to avoid betrayal in your personal life, friendships, and business. Is it possible to predict betrayal?
No one is immune from human cunning.
If in the animal world a vile creature that betrays the pack usually dies alone, then a traitor in the human community can continue to live happily ever after. Even a wise prophet is unable to predict betrayal, since a person cannot exist without faith in those closest to him. It is difficult to predict this villainous act due to the fact that most often it is the closest people with whom you eat porridge from the same plate who betray you. Who is most often betrayed?
The victims of deceit most often become the closest people who have entrusted the secret of their inner world to the traitor.
The injured person is usually a person who has dedicated her life for the comfort of her spouse. A selfless mother who devotes herself completely to raising her offspring. A faithful friend who told her friend all her worries, worries and joys. A colleague who unconditionally helps a negligent colleague. A boss who trained an inexperienced subordinate. A business partner who got back on his feet thanks to the efforts of the victim. Love and betrayal also go hand in hand, and the more one of the spouses trusts his partner, the higher the risk that he will become a victim of deceit. In a word, as in the time of Christ, the closest and dearest tablemate becomes a traitor. Why do people commit treason?
A person is pushed onto the path of betrayal by the imperfection of the inner world - the lack of harmony and balance of feelings.
The reason for betrayal is a destructive style of thinking and a pathologically deformed character. Lack of moral values and incorrect life priorities. Complexes, fears, anxieties, pathological ideas become the reason for committing crime. At the same time, the reason for the betrayal is often not realized by the villain: he does not understand why he committed such a vile step. Often the act of betrayal itself occurs spontaneously, without any preliminary preparation or making insidious plans. What excuses are given for betrayal? As a rule, people who have committed treason find a lot of arguments why they committed a grave sin. There are thousands of options for explaining deceit. This is both a way of self-expression, and an action for the sake of one’s own prospects, and an action for the sake of the victim’s happiness. This is the use of an opportunity, a necessary step, and a decision to change your life in a radical way. Such a vile “feat” is accomplished for the sake of selfish interests, personal enrichment, career advancement, and getting a better position in the company. Betrayal occurs to satisfy one's base needs, for example: excessive lust. Cunning can be explained by the desire to increase one's own self-esteem at the expense of other people's suffering. Such an act can be performed in the name of another person, for example: to save a seriously ill person who urgently needs an expensive operation. However, there are only a few traitors who committed treachery for the sake of good intentions. Traitors have one thing in common: they all select compelling arguments, distinguished by lacy pretentiousness, in order to justify their actions in their own eyes and not be stigmatized by society. They try with all their might to stifle the barely audible voice of their own conscience. What happens after betrayal?
Not only the victim, but also the traitor himself suffers from the perfect deceit.
The injured person receives enormous psychological trauma, but it is quite possible to overcome such pain. Some pour out their resentment with alcohol, others eat away their mental pain with food, and still others drive out their frustration with intense physical activity. You can survive the pain of betrayal on your own or with the help of a psychologist. And, having experienced a negative state after betrayal, a person becomes more experienced and wiser. But with a traitor the situation is much worse. At first, he tries to find explanations for his action, tries to raise himself in his own eyes. Unable to rationalize his act, the traitor begins to seek support from other people. However, the thought of committing a vile act does not allow him to relax and live fully. The traitor begins to look for ways to deceive himself and drown out the pangs of conscience. He tries to distance himself from the object of betrayal: he avoids his company and addresses death wishes in his direction. As a result, the entire inner world of the traitor is filled with negative energy, which systematically kills the person who committed the evil. Of course, there are also those traitors who, over time, experience sincere repentance and change their attitude towards life. Is there retribution for the betrayal committed?
There is always retribution for the evil done.
No matter how skeptic a person is, no matter how he views the laws of the universe, punishment for betrayal will certainly follow. In the earthly world the rule always works: what goes around comes around, and the return will undoubtedly follow. What awaits the traitor? Sooner or later the traitor will reap the fruits of his crime. Moreover, the “return” force will be much greater. More often than not, he will also be betrayed and offended. The abandoned partner will experience a deterioration in commerce and a decline in business. Anyone who cheats on his loving wife will have a meeting with a flighty woman who will cuckold him. A painful loneliness awaits a betrayed friend. Those who have offended their parents face a difficult old age, when there will be no one to bring a glass of water to the suffering and infirm. The worst punishment for a traitor is the deterioration of his mental health. People who have internal conflicts often plunge into prolonged depression. They are overcome by obsessive fears. They are haunted by ideas of their own sinfulness, and suicidal thoughts come to mind. It has been established that there is a direct connection between mental disorder and health. A person who has problems of the spiritual aspect often suffers from diseases of the autonomic nervous system, has problems with the heart and respiratory organs. Who is prone to betrayal?
There is no specific formula by which you can accurately identify a potential traitor.
However, it is possible to point out certain traits, the presence of which creates a tendency to commit atrocities. Most often, people who are characterized by excessive pride and selfishness become traitors. Those people who consider themselves the navel of the Universe, and consider other people to be lower beings. A person with extremely low self-esteem who tries to elevate himself at the expense of others can become a traitor. Someone who craves power and glory can commit treason. Those who are dissatisfied with their lives, but are not ready to make efforts to change their own destiny, are prone to betrayal. How do you know if a person is capable of betrayal?
To protect yourself from the fact that a loved one or business partner commits betrayal, you need to be attentive and observant.
Test others in small ways and pay attention to minor mistakes. Those who do not keep their word and neglect verbal agreements can commit betrayal. Those who are seduced by small gains and shift the blame onto others for their own failures. Those who do not have a powerful inner core and flutter through life from side to side. How to avoid betrayal?
The basic rule is that you should not tempt people with trust.
In business, it is necessary to clearly set tasks and demand unconditional fulfillment of responsibilities. It is necessary to delegate authority, reward merit and punish mistakes. Follow the rule: trust, but verify. To avoid the betrayal of a loved one, you cannot dissolve in his world. Love and respect for one’s own person, respect for one’s interests, attention to one’s needs will protect against the fact that your beloved husband will cheat and betray. A rational combination of freedom and control over children will protect relationships with descendants from the appearance of lies on their part. To prevent betrayal, a person must be honest with himself and with others. You must be prepared to discuss all controversial issues. Do not keep silent about your dissatisfaction, but engage in an open dialogue. Do not harbor dark thoughts in your head, but express them directly and correctly. How to survive betrayal: we act for our own good How should you behave when you become a victim of betrayal?
The answer is banal.
The main step is not to worry, but to calm down. Do not take decisive action right away, but give yourself time for the unrest to subside. At the first stage after betrayal, the main task is not to add too much, so as not to suffer from your hasty decisions later. How to survive betrayal?
Let's follow the steps.

After the emotional storm has subsided, it is necessary to study your past, identify and analyze your own mistakes and take measures to avoid them in the future.
We remember that blaming the traitor and reproaching ourselves is a waste of time and energy. It is necessary to accept the crime that has taken place as a fact and discard all accusations.
How to survive betrayal? We need to throw out our negative emotions. But not by throwing tantrums and scandals or using physical force. We could shout out our resentment loudly in a deserted place, drive it out, desperately hammering a punching bag. We can work in the garden until we sweat, or diligently scrub the dishes until we feel better.
It should be remembered that the fact of betrayal could be a fatal mistake, an evil mockery of fate. Evil is not always done with intent and a cold heart. We must give the offender a chance to justify his action.
If you need to find out the reason for betrayal, deduction methods will not help here. We can only understand why we were deceived and betrayed by having a frank dialogue with the offender. However, a traitor is not always ready to communicate with the object of his crime. In such a situation, you just need to let go of the past without trying to establish the truth.
How to survive betrayal? We need to face the truth. Do not create illusions and do not indulge in rosy dreams. Admit the truth, no matter how bitter it may be.
To survive betrayal, you need to distance yourself from problems. Put an end to failed relationships, move on from your past life.
It should be remembered that life goes on and does not stop after betrayal. It is necessary to find new guidelines and define fresh goals for the future.
We must take into account that some existing character defects and errors in our worldview contributed to becoming a victim of betrayal. It was we ourselves who gave the traitor the cards. You need to pay attention to yourself and discover the weak links in your nature.
We should draw up a clear program for the development of our personality. A harmonious, integral nature with a powerful inner core is protected from meanness.

Instead of an afterword
Despite the blows of fate, life continues after betrayal. We have the power to become the Master of our own destiny and create our own beautiful reality. By changing our thinking style to a positive and constructive one, discarding ideas of self-blame, eliminating thoughts of our own inferiority, overcoming fears and worries, we pave the way to a happy future.

Is it possible to forgive and let go?

Resentment is the most severe destructive state of the psyche. It negatively affects the entire life scenario, and also inhibits development in all areas of human activity. It takes away vitality and the opportunity to enjoy life, meaningless and destroying everything in its path. A person constantly experiences a feeling of deprivation and is afraid of failure.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives us the key to the doors of the psyche, to understanding the cause-and-effect relationships of our own resentment, makes it possible to see its root and thereby get rid of the painful consequences. We have a technique that allows us to deal with the “anchors” that are deeply stuck at the bottom of our unconscious.

People who mastered the method of System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan got rid of the most severe grievances that had been destroying their lives for a long time. They gained the opportunity to enjoy life every day, creating new trusting relationships with the people around them.

“...I realized what made me be like this, I understood myself, I learned to understand others. It’s difficult to put into words, but I now have a state of “no offense” at all. After the feeling of deprivation went away, came the inability to be offended in principle by people. It’s absolutely impossible to offend me!
How? How to do it? How can I now be offended by someone if I perfectly understand what motivates this person? How can I be offended by him because he feels bad and he tries to pour out his “badness” on me. He doesn’t know how to do it any other way... Living without resentment is a huge achievement and relief for me. It was as if hundreds of kilos had fallen off my poor neck. This is an incredible feeling..." Anna M., Tver

“...Life has become much more joyful and easier. Still would! I realized the reasons for the behavior of my ex-husband and father. Understanding these reasons, I stopped being offended and hating them. The fear of divorce disappeared and the decision came by itself - I didn’t have to go to him, we were getting a divorce through the court, without my presence. Without offense, it became much easier to react to those who were offended. It's a relief when the grudges fade and only good memories remain. I realized that there were good moments with these people. I felt grateful for the experience. How good it is to live without offense!!! » Victoria P., teacher-organizer and tutor, Podlesnoe

Start getting rid of grievances and correcting your life scenario for the better already at the free online training on Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan. Register using the link right now:

Author: Anna Mima

The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”

Why is he cheating?

A clear understanding of the mechanism of male infidelity plays a big role in solving the problem of betrayal. For a woman, love and betrayal are absolutely incompatible things. A loving wife will always remain faithful to her man and accept him with all his shortcomings. The male psyche is structured differently, and various factors can serve as the cause of betrayal.

Rejection syndrome. Very often, men experience manifestations of maternal dislike in early childhood. The mother is constantly dissatisfied with her son, does not pay attention to him, and leaves him alone for a long time. This behavior is characterized by a kind of “swing” - today I love my son and allow him everything, but tomorrow I push him away and leave him alone. Such maternal love has a huge impact on the child’s psyche. A man who grows up in such conditions will almost certainly cheat on his woman. He quickly becomes disillusioned with the fair sex and, after his first crush passes, he immediately goes in search of a new lover. If, at the moment of falling in love, a man managed to marry the woman he liked, then, most likely, he will begin to cheat on her within two to three months.
The man is a “narcissist.” Men of this psychological type are more prone to cheating than others. The narcissist perceives only his own feelings, desires and needs. He is not able to sacrifice his interests for the sake of his partner. Such men are very sensitive to compliments addressed to them and are almost always ready to prove their masculine worth. At the same time, the wife is not perceived by the “narcissistic” man as an independent person who has certain rights in marriage.
Middle age crisis. Most often, the betrayal of a husband who has reached middle age and felt the onset of a crisis is isolated. A man believes that he has achieved little in his life or, on the contrary, has spent his whole life achieving the well-being of his family without realizing his own desires and dreams. Most often, the spouse becomes to blame for this lack of fulfillment. A man thinks that another woman would make his life more colorful and interesting.
Accumulation of disagreements. The most common reason for male infidelity is a mountain of accumulated disagreements and contradictions. Most often, this happens when, throughout their lives, spouses have not been able to solve some of their problems, hushing them up or considering them frivolous. At a certain moment, this “abscess” opens and the man finds understanding in the arms of a colleague or casual acquaintance.

After analyzing the situation that caused the man to betray her, the woman can begin to find a way out of this difficult conflict. Most often there are only two ways:

acceptance of the situation and continuation of life together (if a man cheats due to character, then be prepared for a repetition of the situation, but a single betrayal provoked by problems in the family will most likely never happen again);
preparation of documents for divorce.

Whatever the reason for the betrayal, before you say “You betrayed me!” and make a fateful decision, you need to consider the problem from several sides.

— 5 ways to forgive the infidelity of a loved one

___________

How to forgive an insult?

1) Let your emotions out. Under no circumstances should you bury yourself in a blanket and withdraw into yourself, trying to wait for the moment when the pain inside simply subsides. If you want to scream, scream. If you want to break dishes out of despair, hit them.

2) Keep your distance from the situation. Did you shout? Amazing! Now try to pretend that all this horror did not happen to you. Distance yourself from the problem. 3) Face the truth. Try to analyze your life (you can seek help from a psychologist).

4) Sit down at the negotiating table. Sit down at this table and finally start communicating. Listen and speak. It can be very difficult. If it seems that you can’t cope on your own, again contact a psychologist.

5) Start a new life. Remember that the main role in building a new life will lie with you. Find the strength within yourself to do this. After all, you have your whole life ahead of you! And the main thing is that in this life you do not lose trust in people. Of course, you shouldn’t rush headlong into the pool, you need to constantly think whether the person is worthy of your trust, but if you completely close yourself off from all the people around you, you will be very unhappy.

_______________

- How to forgive the unforgivable?

__________

Alas, this also happens. You have been betrayed so cruelly that forgiveness is out of the question. What then are we talking about? Probably about revenge. You are tormented, not knowing how to respond to the offender. You blame yourself for being too gullible. You are amazed again and again how it was possible to do this - to you?

Unfortunately, various sad incidents are also bad because they take away from us the illusion of our own exclusivity. It is also called the “recruit illusion.” This illusion can be described with a simple phrase - “nothing like this can happen to me, because it’s me!”

The collapse of this illusion is very painful. It turns out that “this” can happen: people betray and deceive - not someone, somewhere. It turns out that this is possible here and now, right with you, so unique and inimitable. And now you need to take revenge: to prove to him (her or them) that they were mistaken by mixing you with the crowd.

You may be surprised, but revenge will not help. Firstly, absolutely everyone wants to take revenge “in the heat” of resentment. That is, you are not unique in this either. And secondly, revenge does not at all undo what was done to you. And therefore, you are again in the crowd.

There is only one way to forgive the unforgivable. It works despite its paradoxical nature. Try to understand what forced the offender to act this way and not otherwise. This is especially important in the case of intentional atrocities against you. Think about it: what did you do that caused you to be harmed so horribly?

Imagine how bad it must have been for a person who committed such an ugly act. Don’t you think that a loved one could hit you casually, without thinking? So there were reasons? And they were probably serious. And, sad as it may be, this reason is you. And you probably did him no less harm. And how did you manage to do this? This is the most interesting thing. And when you find the answer, ask for forgiveness for your part of the evil done. I promise you will feel better.

___________