What should a man do in such situations?
- Analyze the possible reasons for your wife's behavior
You need to consider both objective circumstances (your own behavior, the state of affairs in the family, etc.) and subjective ones (the internal state of your partner).
You should not withdraw yourself and ignore the grumbling and criticism of a dissatisfied wife. Of course, this is the easiest way - to leave the relationship, either realistically or psychologically. But unresolved problems tend to repeat themselves with great accuracy in subsequent marriages. Therefore, it makes sense to understand the “here and now” and consider all the possibilities for harmonizing life with your loved one.
It is important to remember: while the wife grumbles and nags, even if she is aggressive and illogical, she wants to save the marriage and unconsciously asks for help. A lady who has firmly decided for herself that this man is no longer interested in her (even if she has not yet filed for divorce for some reason) is calm, cold and polite. Even a woman’s negative emotions are an indicator of involvement in a relationship. This means that a man has a chance to return happiness to his family.
- Help a woman deal with her emotional state
Men are mostly rational and constructive. Therefore, they should take the initiative and establish a dialogue with the woman. In a quiet time, without the presence of other people, with a positive attitude, sit down with your spouse at the negotiating table (a kitchen table will do!).
Let her freely say whatever she wants. Encourage her expressions, whatever they may be. Do not try to answer her right away or offer solutions to problems. First, analyze the information.
If a woman’s speech is dominated by emotions, perhaps she just needs to speak out and throw out her feelings. Yes, this is unusual for men and difficult to understand, but this is how the psyche of the fair sex works. Allow your spouse to let off some steam. As blogger Martha Ketro wittily noted, sometimes a woman just needs a “good Italian scandal” with a couple of broken plates. In the future, the husband can come up with a way to collectively “relieve stress.” And what it will be: a good Russian bath with a broom, a pillow fight, diving into an ice hole, or Russian rock from a radio on a night highway - it’s up to two people to decide.
If the theme of fatigue is a refrain in your wife’s speech, then it’s time to reconsider the “family contract” in terms of the distribution of responsibilities.
Specific complaints expressed after the emotions have spilled out should be written down, discussed and a compromise sought.
Explain that when your wife constantly nags you and is always unhappy, you worry, but cannot understand what exactly she wants from you. You try to make her happy, but you need specifics.
If you can’t build a dialogue on your own, then it makes sense to find a qualified family psychologist and resort to his services as a mediator in “negotiations.” It is important to remember that joint consultations will be most effective. A couple is an integral organism: if problems begin in it, it means that both spouses need self-development.
- Divide chores around the house
A modern woman works equally with a man. Therefore, in family matters, equality and fair play are also needed.
The catch is that men sometimes simply cannot imagine the amount of work a woman spends on seemingly basic household chores. It’s worth trying to replace your wife for a week (there are even talk shows on this topic like “Dad Got It”) or simply objectively listing all the duties that the wife performs in the family, indicating the time for their completion.
Next, it makes sense to divide these efforts into 3 parts:
- what a husband can do;
- something that is easily replaced by gadgets (fortunately, technical thought has come up with many devices for the household, and progress is gradually making them more and more affordable);
- something that you don't have to do at all.
Sometimes it’s amazing how a woman, with “persistence worthy of better use,” continues to strain herself with cases whose results are of no use to anyone. And he is offended that he does not receive gratitude for this. Current family attitudes and complexes prevent her from looking objectively at her efforts.
Thus, during a consultation with a family psychologist, the couple (already in a “divorcing” state) found out that the wife considered it her duty to “scrub” the entire rather large apartment every day and prepare a fresh four-course dinner. And the husband, raised by scientist parents in a Spartan environment, did not even suspect about it. And he did not at all pretend to such a level of sterility, and a couple of times a week he could afford to invite his partner to a good restaurant or warm up ready-made food. And buying a robot vacuum cleaner was not a blow to the couple’s budget.
- Give your wife a day off
It is sometimes much more difficult for women than for men to escape from problems and worries. Representatives of the stronger sex can actually make “Off.” in your head and “lower”, for example, over a stationary float. Their partners, in most cases, cannot do this.
Therefore, it makes sense to provide at least a couple of days a month “time off” for the woman you love, completely disconnecting her from all worries. Babysit with your children or make arrangements with relatives and order food to be taken home. And so that your spouse doesn’t worry and doesn’t “chase her thoughts,” send her, for example, to a SPA center. So that, as in the old joke, she “will make you a happy wife and mother to your children.”
- Listen to your wife's words and desires
Yes, a spouse can pour out a hurricane of emotions with a minimum of constructive information. And the man really wants to disconnect from this flow. But in a family, reasonable dialogue and “hearing” of each other are necessary.
Try to find your own version of “peace negotiations”. For example, there is this practice: a board in the house with the title “This will make me happy/happy.” On it, spouses write wishes to each other. It is important to do this in a positive way. Compare:
- “I hesitated because you were such a slob. Pack your socks."
- “It will make me happy if once a week you clean the apartment yourself and allow me to go for a walk at that time.”
Of course, each family will have its own options for dialogue construction techniques.
And, most likely, things will not start working out right away. But the effort will pay off.
- Show affection and care
After many years of marriage, spouses often become so close that the wife is already perceived as “the guy” with whom fire, water and copper pipes have been passed.
But no matter what wedding anniversary you celebrate, no matter what heights you reach together, your husband should remember that in every woman there remains that part of her in which she is still a gentle and touching girl. And she needs warmth, care, kind words, a touch of romanticism in everyday whirlwind.
Idealization of a partner before marriage
Many men complain: “While we were dating, the future wife was sweet and attractive, but as soon as they lived for several years in marriage, constant discontent and scandals began.”
The fact is that family relationships need to be built. This is difficult and requires the participation of both spouses. Unfortunately, most men, and even women, don’t even think about it.
A man, changing his status as a bachelor to that of a married man, subconsciously believes that he now has a free housekeeper, not seeing the personality in the woman next to him.
But no one will like the consumer attitude towards themselves. Internal discontent accumulates and breaks out in the form of constant “sawing” of the husband. And now the girl who was once ideal in the eyes of a man becomes a vixen.
But if the husband showed more respect and interest in his wife as a person, it is unlikely that she would become forever dissatisfied.
Women tend to idealize their partner, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Thinking in stereotypes, many believe that you can close your eyes to shortcomings and then change a man. This is where the huge mistake lies: it is impossible to remake and educate either a man or a woman to suit himself.
And so, consciously or unconsciously, the woman does not pay attention to the shortcomings of her chosen one. And after some time in marriage, it becomes clear that no one is going to change. And sometimes a man’s attitude only gets worse. The natural reaction of a person with a healthy psyche to this will be dissatisfaction.
And finding themselves in a “deceived” position, both spouses, instead of calmly talking about their grievances and disappointments and changing together for each other, building healthy relationships, begin to make claims to each other.
It is important, in order not to find yourself in the role of an eternally dissatisfied wife or a reproachful husband, to talk about your ideas and family before marriage. Such conversations should not be a list of strict conditions, but an exchange of views. And in order to understand whether this woman (this man) is suitable for you to live together or not, you will need more than one conversation.
Dissatisfaction with her husband is caused by a woman's internal problems
Unresolved internal conflicts and complexes can cause dissatisfaction with oneself, life in general, and one’s spouse. It’s easier to take it out on loved ones, such as your husband, without understanding the reasons for your irritation.
Often, the insufficiently rich emotional life of spouses leads to dissatisfaction and reproaches. Mental health requires emotions, but the brain doesn't care whether they're positive or negative. And it’s easier to get negative ones.
Therefore, when you feel dissatisfaction for no reason or not caused by your spouse, you should try not to take it out on him and do something pleasant for yourself. Any little thing that will allow you to enjoy and relax. Take an invigorating shower or bath with sea salt, take a walk in the park or just down the street, get a mask or manicure.
The main thing, of course, is to look for the causes of discontent and eradicate them. If you have a problem with the perception of your own appearance, then you should get acquainted with body positivity.
Books on self-development and positive psychology will help you get rid of a negative vision of the world.
It is important to love yourself and pay attention to your personal needs, develop, and grow as a person. Then causeless discontent will not poison life, and there will be no reason to take it out on your spouse.
The reason for the wife's dissatisfaction is the personal qualities of the spouse
A wife's dissatisfaction is not always associated with her internal problems. Often the reproaches are fair, it’s just that the man doesn’t want to look at himself from the outside.
If a husband drinks, or beats his wife, or does not work for years, or constantly cheats, then society will definitely condemn him. In all other cases, the man is for some reason considered ideal, and the woman’s dissatisfaction is attributed to bad character.
As mentioned above, a man, after marriage, believes that a priori a woman should do household chores, work, and if there are children, do them, and his participation in family life is insignificant.
This male stereotype is extremely dangerous, and it is it that turns a smiling and affectionate wife into an evil fury.
The lack of initiative of the husband, who is unable to either clean up after himself or keep the child busy with something useful, irritates the woman. No less annoying is the lack of sincere interest in your spouse’s feelings and hobbies.
The lack of help and care makes the wife always dissatisfied.
How to correct the current situation?
First you need to change your attitude towards your wife. According to psychologists, people tend to develop in themselves those qualities that others pay more attention to. Therefore, when your wife always hears about herself as a “vixen,” you shouldn’t be surprised at another scandal. Criticism cannot inspire a person to change, only love and respect can.
Thank your wife, don’t take for granted a delicious dinner, clean clothes, and order in the apartment. A sincere thank you and help with household chores works wonders.
A man should get involved in the process of raising children, and not just take them to school (kindergarten). Play, take a walk, help with homework - this will provide an opportunity to build a close and trusting relationship with your son or daughter and give your wife some rest. And when she is rested, she is unlikely to express dissatisfaction.
The husband’s help in solving various family issues will finally allow a woman not to play a “male” role, but to be herself - sweet and attractive.
Psychology of female reproach
Do you know how many times another wife reproaches her husband during the year? Somewhere around 1000-1200 reproaches fall on a poor man’s head, in other words, that’s 3-4 reproaches a day...
Reproach is a form of interhuman aggression. This is a massive psychological attack that a man undergoes throughout the day. At the same time, one should not confuse constructive criticism and reproach. These are two different things. What is constructive criticism? Suppose the wife says: “You don’t earn enough?” The husband is a conscientious man - he begins to earn more, for this he takes on additional work and becomes overworked. With constructive criticism, the wife will say: “Well done, you started earning more.” That is, she will praise him. And what will the wife say when reproached: “You began to earn more, but you completely stopped being at home and abandoned the children.”
If a man has some kind of superhuman powers and starts to manage both children and making money, then the wife who reproaches will say: “You don’t have time to do housework, you stopped going to the theater with me.” That is, the wife is never satisfied, she will put forward more and more new demands. It is this unsatiability that distinguishes a reproaching wife from one who constructively criticizes. The famous “Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish” comes to mind. This is a wonderful psychological study reflecting the model of female reproach. At first, the old woman reproaches her husband for the fact that he cannot do anything for the family and turns to him with a request - to ask the Golden Fish for a new trough. When they give her a trough, she demands a new house - they give her a house, but she still reproaches her husband and already wants to be a noblewoman, and then a queen.
The reproach, of course, does not arise out of nowhere. The twentieth century created the conditions for female reproach. The modern woman asserts herself in social relations, in everyday life, and in politics. She is often more educated than her husband and often earns more than him. The classic patriarchal family has almost completely disappeared. Many women with a very strong character, with aggressive traits, do not recognize the masculine role of a man. Of course, not only women are to blame here, but also men who have lost their key positions in the family. Similar changes are taking place not only in our country, but throughout the world. Moreover, in different countries the reproach has approximately the same form. Consequently, reproach is higher than national characteristics and is a universal phenomenon, men all over the world suffer equally from it.
What kind of reproaches are there?
Direct reproach, when a woman directly accuses a man of being bad, financially insolvent, and so on. Often, a reproach can belittle sexual dignity: “You are not a man.” For many, such a reproach causes severe stress, deep feelings, and self-doubt. This phrase hurts especially strongly, causing a man to feel guilty.
Another type of reproach is comparative. Comparative reproach, one of the most difficult for a man. He can be very cunning and evil. The woman says: “You know, Pyotr Ivanovich bought a fur coat for his wife.” Such a reproach “includes” a third party and a comparison is given that is not in favor of the husband. It is used for this purpose, so that a man suffers, so that he knows what is worse and what is inferior in comparison with other people. You need to respond to reproaches in a way that your wife does not expect. And she expects excuses. Incorrect answer: “But I bought a coffee pot last year and took it to the resort” or “Remember how little I earn.” Correct answer: “I am very happy for his wife. Pyotr Ivanovich is a very nice person, I know him well, he makes good money. Well done for buying your wife a fur coat. Many people do this now."
How to protect yourself from unfair reproaches?
The consequences of reproaches can be very sad. Sometimes a reproach is frankly unfair, sewn with white thread, but a man is inclined to believe it, take it at face value, which leads to neurosis, a breakdown of the nervous system. Some people experience reproaches like: “You are not a man” for a long time and deeply. Therefore, if a woman makes such a reproach, agree. There is no need to make excuses. “Of course I’m not a man. How did you guess it? I don’t even have anything in common.” Thus she will be at a dead end. And if the perplexed wife asks: “Who are you then?” "I am a frog." A stupid question gets a stupid answer. This is one way to deal with aggression - to respond with stupidity.
The reproach can be turned against a woman using her own weapon. If she says: “You are not a man,” then you must answer: “You could not awaken the man in me, which means that, as a woman, you also have some shortcomings.” Returning a reproach to the one who sent it is the “boomerang principle.” When a woman says: “You are the worst of all,” it will not be bad if you intensify her reproach. “You have a lot of girlfriends, and they all have wonderful men: rich, strong, handsome. And only you, the unfortunate one, are forced to spend your life with a rag.”
You can ignore reproaches, show indifference, or simply try to understand him. After all, the one who reproaches is an unhappy person. Most importantly, you never need to make excuses. A person makes excuses when he feels guilty. It is possible and necessary to respond to a reproach, but there is no need to become neurotic, cry, or suffer. Everything must be worthy. “You have a weak character,” the woman will say. “Weak character, you say. Well, whatever it is,” a smart man will say. Such an answer will be more worthy than you starting to get angry and prove that everything is completely wrong.
Why do women reproach?
This may indicate a woman’s own inferiority and the presence of neurotic complexes. Sometimes this is due to sexual dissatisfaction. The cause of aggression may also be a woman’s character traits. Some people enjoy the feeling of seeing another person suffer. And if no defense helps and reproaches make life unbearable, then turning to a specialist may be a way out of the deadlock.
When a wife argues with her husband
(From personal correspondence.)
Question:
“Actually, everything is fine with us, one problem comes up from time to time - my wife likes to argue. On any occasion he begins to insert his opinion. He argues and argues and gives up - they say, let it be your way. And she went about her business. And after these battles, I’m like a squeezed lemon, I have less energy, and some problems immediately appear in business. Time is running out to patch holes. Why is this happening?"
Answer: What happens when a wife argues with her husband?
The spirit of a man is surrounded by several shells - physical, emotional, etc. The owner of a male body comes into this life with a tendency to spread outward, influence, and permeate the surrounding space. The spirit, permeating these shells with itself, as if “dresses” in them, thereby manifesting itself in the denser world. The further and wider it spreads, the stronger it becomes. Moreover, its relationship with each layer is fractal. And for further penetration it is important how this happens with the first, closest shells.
The shell resists, tries to absorb, close the spirit within itself. If a man managed to enter her as a Master, then she submits and becomes a reinforcing asset, you can rely on her, she serves the man. It is good to see this using the example of the body - the body wants to absorb the spirit, corrupt it, seduce it into something tasty, comfortable and pleasant. The man subjugated the body, entered it as the Main One, and the body begins to serve him, helping him to enter further into space with greater strength. A man has learned to cope with emotions without allowing them to take over his mind - this becomes his strength.
A woman is also an environment that a man wants to fill with himself, with his radiance. A wife is a man’s life in miniature, in which he tries to spread himself, his orders, laws and principles, to realize himself, to achieve the maximum. Impulses come from the Man, which she envelops with herself, from this the male impulses become more significant, more manifested, more dense. A man has a better sense of what comes out of him and who he is. A woman with the power of the Moon helps him to better feel himself, his power of the Sun. After the woman, the man spreads himself into the world around him.
Understanding this, we can return to the question of why problems appear in business when arguing with my wife. External activity (business) is a more distant “shell” of a man than his relationship with his wife. That is, he has problems on nearby borders, he wanted to spread there (in the family), but it didn’t work out, he ran into barriers, in the battle with which he lost his strength. I haven’t nourished this shell and, going further, I experience problems, this is natural. An argument with your wife takes away your luck, ease of performance, and energy for accomplishments.
It’s not an option, by the way, when men run away from arguments with their wives to further distances - they immerse themselves in work. You will have to pay for the unresolved issue with your nearby “clothes”; many people drink, for example.
So an arguing wife is a big problem for the husband. A docile, absorbing wife will strengthen him, and an argumentative one will put barriers around him.
In the old days they said: “A wife’s affection gives strength to her husband.”
Husband blames wife for all problems
Good day! I am 35 years old, my husband is 39, we have been married for 2 years, our daughter is one year old. I have never been married before, but my husband has a child from his first marriage and several attempts to live together with women. We have such a problem. I met my husband on the Internet, started a relationship, and got married 3 months later. Even before the wedding, he tormented me with assumptions like “all women are bad, especially after childbirth, they cheat on everything, etc.” and so on. and you will be like that...” Although at the same time he claimed that he loved me very much! I reassured him because I was absolutely confident in myself - I’m decent, hardworking, I don’t go to clubs, I have a higher education, I work as a doctor (and my husband didn’t even finish school). Naturally, I immediately had to treat all his relatives for any reason! After the wedding, he began to be terribly jealous of everyone, he checked documents, letters, pages on the Internet... It turned out that he had a child support debt of about 300 thousand, he and his mother forced me to go through a bunch of trials regarding this (otherwise we would have all things were taken away). After 2 months, he quit his job, and I became pregnant... I worked hard on duty and in the garden (planting greens, radishes and selling) almost until the birth, begged money for living expenses from my relatives, took out loans... He has not worked for 2 years, constantly He looks for illnesses in himself, in which his mother-in-law supports him (takes him to psychics!). I examined him completely - there was nothing except gastritis and excess weight. For 2 years of idleness and surfing the Internet, I also developed osteochondrosis and hemorrhoids! asks me to constantly massage him, scratch his back, cook delicious food, that is, devote time only to him. I also fully paid for the apartment, internet, etc. I’m now on maternity leave, all the money is gone, they don’t give me loans anymore... As soon as I approach my daughter, she starts yelling that I’m tying her to me and devoting time only to her! If she cries at night, she swears, says that she was in a hurry to marry me and have a child... she spends her last pennies on herself, and she yells at me all the time, calls me terrible names, humiliates me, and beat me several times. He asks me to allow him to have a mistress, since I am not gentle or affectionate and refuse anal sex! He calls my parents names (who now fully support me and my daughter!). If I refuse to help with my mother-in-law’s hospitalization (she also invents a bunch of illnesses, but there’s nothing to worry about), she threatens me. He demands 200 thousand for making me a child! When I try to argue with him, he claims that all families live like this, and husbands don’t help their wives - this, he says, is not fashionable now... when I start crying, he gets even angrier. I tried to talk to my mother-in-law - she blames me for everything and tells me to figure it out on my own (at the same time, she calls my son 20 times a day, constantly complains about his health, and my husband limits my communication with my parents). When he is adequate, he asks me for forgiveness and carries my daughter in his arms, asks me to give birth to a son, but as soon as I do something wrong (I’m afraid to pass by him and express my opinion about something!), everything starts all over again. He forbade me to communicate with my friends and acquaintances, I am completely isolated! Now he accuses me of having problems as soon as he met me... I don’t know what to do!!! We got married - he himself insisted and rushed me with both the wedding and the wedding! Gentlemen, psychologists, tell me, is there a way out of our situation? Is it possible to somehow limit the influence of the mother-in-law on her husband? Where should I go if he starts extorting money or making threats again? WHAT SHOULD I DO???
Ex-wife blames for all sins (3 answers)
