Britney Spears: “I hate my ex-husband!”
Why does it happen that the most loving couples end their relationships with the loudest and most scandalous breakups, and then proudly say: “I hate my ex!”?
After all, it would seem that since you loved each other so much, then it was appropriate for you to part amicably. But in practice the opposite happens. From love to hate one step! And we see this every day in the example of many stars, for example, Rihanna or Britney Spears. And Madonna once proudly declared that she hated her ex-husband Sean Penn. However, she generally hates many of her exes... Britney Spears also throws arrows of hatred at Kevin Federline - for taking away her children, ruining her life, ruining her career (for everything, in general). WomanJournal.ru asked the age-old questions: why do we hate our exes and what should we do to put our feelings in order?
How to deal with an envious person
The companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) explained to us the essence of the envious person, pointing out that this is a person who cannot be satisfied with anything.
So, the companion Muawiyah (may Allah be pleased with him) Fr.
It is also reported that the following lines belong to Imam al-Shafi’i (may Allah be pleased with him):
There is hope that all hostility will be suppressed,
Except for the one that comes from the envious person.
Wise people taught us not to bother ourselves and not to make efforts to achieve a good attitude on the part of the envious person, because this is impossible. They said: “Don’t tire yourself out trying to win the favor of an envious person, because he will never accept your kind attitude towards him. And if you want to be safe from his harm, then try to hide your situation: do not show him your joy and your blessings.”
From the book “The Well-Being of the Righteous” by Sheikh Akhmad-haji Abdulaev, Mufti of Dagestan
Why do Rihanna and Madonna hate their exes?
Take, for example, celebrity couples. Madonna, Sean Penn, Rihanna and Chris Brown... They could easily claim the title of the most passionate and sincere lovers. But all their enchanting romances ended in real enmity. In the case of Madonna and Rihanna, love transformed into hatred after being beaten. WomanJournal.ru has already written about why loving men can beat their women and how to tame the aggressor. You don't need to be a psychoanalyst to understand why, after domestic violence, many women like Madonna, Rihanna and Oksana Grigorieva hate their exes. But what to do with this hatred? How to put your feelings in order? And is it possible to take a step back, from hatred to love or at least neutrality?
Why did all this happen to me?
The life of any of us depends on our perception. Initially, it consists of how we were raised as children, and then what experiences we received as adults. It happens that one psychological “breakdown” is enough, which in the future will distort the entire life scenario. Here are some common examples:
- As a child, the sensitive, emotional girl was forbidden to cry and show emotions. In the future, this leads to the fact that she unconsciously reaches out only to men who can be pitied: losers, drug addicts or drunkards, chronically unemployed “couch sitters.” There are enough normal men around, but her feeling of love is “triggered” only through pity.
- As a child, the girl received a psychological anchor on the topic of pair relationships. This often happens when her mother has had her own negative experience. Sometimes one vivid, emotionally charged story from a mother about the pain her father caused her is enough for it to be forever imprinted on the child’s soul.
- The anchors can be very different: for example, the relationship between a man and a woman is unconsciously perceived as “dirty.” The reason could be the reaction of parents in early childhood to the first swear words that the child heard and repeated at home.
Swear words are always about sexuality, but the child does not yet know or understand their meaning. A sharp, negative reaction from parents (a shout, punishment, a demand to “wash your mouth with soap”) fixes the connection of any intimate meanings with something dirty and reprehensible. In the future, it is difficult for such a woman to reveal her sexuality in a couple, and the relationship sooner or later breaks up.
These are just a few real life examples. The reasons why life in a couple is not going well can be very different. By revealing them all, you can free your psyche from those unconscious processes that prevent you from becoming a happy woman.
Why we hate our exes: expert commentary
Tatyana Volkova, psychologist, image consultant, coach, told WomanJournal.ru why we hate our exes:
To the question: “What feeling is the opposite of love?” - in most cases the answer is: “Hate.” Actually this is not true. The opposite of love is indifference. Love is perhaps the most capacious, most energy-consuming feeling. A loving person directs all his thoughts, all his strength, and aspirations to interact with the object of his love. And if something breaks down in a relationship, the energy that fills love does not go away. She can't just up and disappear. And love is replaced by hatred. Hate and love are equally powerful, but at the same time oppositely polar feelings, like two sides of the same coin. And only after going through all the circles of hell that await a person who has hated the most dear person in the world, indifference comes. Only after “getting over” hatred, having decided on the answer to the question “who is to blame for the separation or divorce and what to do,” can you calm down and begin to live on.
The difficulty is that hatred and everything connected with it are feelings that are socially disapproved. This forces you to silence hatred and worry within yourself. The hater “cooks in his own juice,” which in no way helps to cleanse the soul and calm him down. To free yourself from hatred, it is very important to find a way to release the energy that overwhelms the hater. You can engage in active sports, creativity, break old dishes that are associated with the offender... Whatever! It is important that this method is acceptable to the hater and does not cause him rejection and the feeling that he is doing something unworthy.
By the way, accepting the situation does not mean that you will get back together after a divorce, for example. It means to forgive, and to forgive means to let off steam, forget and allow yourself to move on.
Quotes about envy, hatred and revenge
Why are envious people always upset about something? Because they are consumed not only by their own failures, but also by the successes of others. Abul Faraj
Who in this world can protect themselves from envious people? The higher a person stands in the opinion of his fellow citizens, the more important and honorable the post he occupies, the faster he becomes a target for malicious envy: whole streams of dirt, oceans of slander are poured out on him. J. Amadou
Ambitious people are more envious than people without ambition. And cowardly people are also envious, because everything seems great to them. Aristotle
Hate can be inherited, love can never be inherited. B. Auerbach
He who takes revenge destroys himself along with others. B. Auerbach
Envy is one of the most effective elements of hatred. O. Balzac
Hatred without the thirst for revenge is a seed that fell on granite. O. Balzac
For low natures, there is nothing more pleasant than to take revenge for one’s insignificance, throwing the dirt of one’s views and opinions into the holy and great. V. G. Belinsky
People usually do not so much enjoy what they have been given as grieve over what they have not been given. V. G. Belinsky
Every hour devoted to hatred is an eternity taken away from love. L. Burnet
The envious person is sad either because he himself has suffered misfortune or because someone else has been lucky. Bion Boristenite
No passion bewitches a person like love and envy. F. Bacon
Envy never knows a holiday. F. Bacon
A curious and annoying person is usually also envious; for it is unlikely that he delves into other people's affairs because it concerns himself; no, he marvels at other people's happiness. F. Bacon
Those who, out of whim and vanity, want to succeed in everything at once are invariably envious. They will always have someone to envy, for it is impossible for many not to be superior to them in at least some way. F. Bacon
Envy accuses and judges without evidence, it magnifies shortcomings, gives loud names to the slightest mistakes; her tongue is full of bile, exaggeration and injustice. L. Vauvenargues
Nothing can calm an envious person. L. Vauvenargues
Success makes few friends. L. Vauvenargues
Envy is poison for the heart. F. Voltaire
Hatred combined with contempt can shake off any yoke. F. Voltaire
Insignificance cannot organically digest greatness. V. V. Vorovsky
Of all passions, envy is the most disgusting. Hatred, betrayal and intrigue march under the banner of envy. K. Helvetius
It is better to be the subject of envy than compassion. Herodotus
Hatred is an active feeling of discontent; envy - passive. It is not surprising that envy quickly turns into hatred. I. Goethe
Hatred is partial, but love is even more partial. I. Goethe
An envious person withers and loses weight at the sight of someone else's contentment. Horace
There is not a single vice that is so harmful to the well-being of people as envy, for those who are infected with it not only upset themselves, but also darken the joy of others. R. Descartes
An envious person causes grief to himself, as if to his enemy. Democritus
Envy is the beginning of discord among people. Democritus
Envy is to the mind what pain is to the eye. The mind can go blind from envy. A. Jami
The darkest torment we suffer is the one who envies others in everything. A. Jami
If we focus our attention primarily on what we have rather than on what we don't have, very little will satisfy us. B. Johnson
Secretly inflicting torment on your envious people means being in a good mood. Diogenes
Hatred is the wrath of the weak. A. Daudet
If the praise lavished by friends sometimes gives reason to doubt their sincerity, then the envy of enemies deserves complete trust. K. Immerman
Envy is the sincerest form of flattery. D. Collins
The only passions that do not give pleasure are envy and fear. D. Collins
A person who claims that he was not born lucky could at least rejoice in the well-being of his friends or family. Envy robs him of even this joy. J. Labruyère
Envy is more irreconcilable than hatred. F. La Rochefoucauld
Our envy is always more durable than the happiness of others that we envy. F. La Rochefoucauld
Hatred that is too fierce makes us inferior to those we hate. F. La Rochefoucauld
Envy is such a low and cowardly passion that no one dares to admit to it. F. La Rochefoucauld
A wise man is happy with little, but for a fool nothing is enough. F. La Rochefoucauld
The surest sign of high virtues is not to know envy from birth. F. La Rochefoucauld
The one who has managed to earn the praise of his envious people has truly extraordinary merits. F. La Rochefoucauld
Envy attacks the highest virtues and spares only mediocrity. G. Lewis
Envy is a restlessness (displeasure) of the soul arising from the fact that another person has a good we desire, whom we no longer consider worthy of owning it. G. Leibniz
To imitate is to envy. G. Lessing
We call envy that baseness of our nature that makes us grieve and yearn at the sight of what, in our opinion, constitutes the happiness of others. B. Mandeville
Envy is the most unconscious and most base flattery. E. Marbo
The most painful thing for an envious person is if no one envies him. R. Martin du Gard
Envious people will die, but envy will never die. J. Moliere
Curiosity arises from envy. J. Moliere
The envious person is his own enemy because he suffers from evil created by himself. C. Montesquieu
Envy moderates its fury only after thoroughly enjoying its baseness. A. Maurois
Envy is a companion of glory. Nepot
Just as rust eats up iron, so envy eats up the soul. Periander
I prefer that my enemies envy me, rather than me envying them. Plautus
Envy is regret for someone else's good. Plutarch
An envious person says not what is, but what can cause harm. Publilius Syrus
There is only one way to fight envy: to make the lives of the envious happier and fuller. B. Russell
A person will never become richer from envy. D. Ray No one is so prone to envy as self-deprecating people. B. Spinoza
We usually hate those we cannot despise. M. Thiru
People who hate the truth also hate the people who have the courage to speak it. F. Fenelon
The destructive poison that poisons our souls is envy. G. Fielding
Hatred is the heaviest and most disgusting chain that one person can bind himself to another, for the ends of this chain are saturated with malice and fear. U. Foscolo
The memory of an envious person is nothing more than a series of hooks for hanging malice. D. Foster
Every horse thinks that its pack is heavier than the others. T. Fuller
Hatred is a coward's revenge for the fear he has experienced. B. Shaw
Love looks through a telescope, envy through a microscope. B. Shaw
Envy is the enemy of the happy. Epictetus
The fate of one whom no one envy is unenviable. Aeschylus
Only those who are not worthy of envy are not blasphemed. Aeschylus
Revenge is the pleasure of a petty and base soul. Juvenal
"Good" colleagues
At work, we may often notice unfair treatment or negative feelings from employees. Envy is the most common of them. You have a new stylish watch or a new car. And she or he has neither one nor the other. You got married successfully, bought an apartment - there will always be reasons for envy and jealousy.
Just understand one important truth: you are not the one with the problem. As a rule, envious and jealous people are dissatisfied with their lives. But instead of trying to improve it using their own intelligence and strength, they simply begin to quietly hate you.
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Don’t give extra reasons for envious people; train yourself not to advertise your own successes. And most importantly, don’t be upset or offended.
Be as friendly as possible. Understand a simple truth: your life goes according to your scenario, and outside interference will not interfere with it. And you definitely don’t need conflicts and showdowns.
The benefits of thinking out loud
If for some reason deleting a contact is impossible for you, then you should talk to this person, clearly voicing your views on the current situation.
Do not start a showdown if you are very irritated or tired. Beforehand, try to think through the possible reactions of your interlocutor. And remember, talk to the person in the manner you would like to be talked to.
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If a person who is negatively opposed to you is close enough in your reality, then in this case, try to reduce contacts with him to a vital minimum. Avoidance as a method of defense is quite appropriate here. And don’t give up hope for a frank and confidential conversation that could “cool down” the tense relationship.
If the offender does not understand your desire to find a compromise, then the best way to stop him is to ignore him. You are absolutely under no obligation to maintain contact with someone who is capable of mocking jokes and insults. Remember that you should value only those friends with whom you find it easy and joyful to communicate.
