“I want to get married” - this natural desire of a woman is due to many reasons, because for many, marriage gives a feeling of security, confidence in the future, the opportunity to build a happy family life, raising children in love. Therefore, the desire to get married is not just a whim, it is an urgent need to fulfill the role of a wife and mother, because for almost every woman, family and children are the most important value in life.
“I want love, I want to get married” - you can often hear this from girls. Of course, at the same time, many representatives of the fair sex are overwhelmed by thoughts of a luxurious wedding, which implies a chic dress, wedding ring, bridal bouquet, champagne, limousine. And so that everything is no worse than for others, for example, for former classmates who post wedding photos and from which it only makes their soul worse. And the girl begins to think: “Will I ever have such a wedding?”, “Even if it’s not a big one, but still.”
I want to get married, how to get rid of loneliness? Initially, a woman should understand what motivates her desire to get married. If the cause is loneliness, then perhaps the problem lies in the woman’s low self-esteem. The psychology of men is such that a priori they cannot admit that they want to marry them. This topic should not be raised at all in relationships between lovers until the man speaks about it first. In a relationship, a man should feel like a conqueror, so the lady should be given the opportunity to achieve her, and the woman’s task is to become desirable and drive the man crazy, in the good sense of the word.
“I want to get married quickly, what should I do?” - advice from a psychologist
Nothing can bring people of opposite sexes closer together than common interests. Therefore, psychologists at the first stage of a relationship recommend adapting to your partner’s communication style, slightly maintaining the pace of the conversation and copying his gestures. And after people get to know each other more closely, other aspects of life will open up in the future that will interest both. The feminine attitude in search of similar interests will provide an opportunity to get closer to the chosen one and find a trusting, stable union.
I want to get married and start a family
It happens that a person has already met and the girl wants to marry her beloved, but her desire remains a dream for now, despite the fact that they have been dating for a long time or live under the same roof.
“Why do women want to get married?”, “What does this stamp in the passport change?” - indignant men often say to their loved ones when they once again start talking about the need to legitimize the relationship.
Psychologists say in this regard that a stamp in a woman’s passport changes a lot. This is not a simple formality, but a commitment to each other, as well as a confirmation of the seriousness of men's intentions. A stamp in a passport means the birth of a new family. After this, both spouses begin to approach life differently. If previously both lived one day at a time, now a man and a woman begin to think about a joint future, make plans and set common goals for themselves.
“People over there somehow live without painting!” - others will say. Yes, they live, but not many representatives of the stronger sex think about how a woman feels at the same time. In such relationships, the woman always loses. Because, as a rule, she earns less than a man. And while waiting for a baby and after his birth, a woman is especially vulnerable and needs material support from him. The absence of a stamp in a passport does not allow a woman to feel completely confident in her partner. She is afraid that after the birth of the child, when difficulties arise, new responsibility for the baby will appear, the common-law husband’s attitude towards the family may change, so only a painting can debunk her doubts.
A man is ready to do a lot to be with the woman he loves, often he doesn’t even realize it, because for her sake he goes to work, achieves career growth, and makes plans. But when he has already received a woman, he begins to feel quite comfortable in a civil marriage and for this reason he often states the following reproachfully: “Do you want to get married? I don’t like being pressured.” A woman in such a situation begins to make excuses and claim, often the opposite, being left alone with her natural desire to get married.
It so happened that in modern society, women who want to get married have begun to be accused of selfishness, distrust, and being behind the times, and the healthy, normal desire to start a family is ridiculed.
Representatives of the stronger sex refer to high divorce statistics in their arguments for civil marriage or explain their reluctance to legalize marriage due to unsuccessful official past relationships with the female sex.
Do I want to get married or not?
This chapter is from the book "Designed to Be a Woman"
Let's talk today about why women get married. And why doesn't everyone come out? What prevents us from easily and simply becoming wives? Why are so many women tormented by a similar question: “How to get married”?
What does it take to get married?
- The groom is one piece
- The groom must agree. It seems like a small thing, but very important. There are different grooms.
- Relationship
- Certain circumstances (sometimes this plays a role. Of the “successful” circumstances, paperwork comes to mind, for example in the Pension Fund. So we got one girl married during the course. And of the “not very successful” ones, perhaps the bride’s pregnancy comes to mind.
- Mutual desire to seal the union with vows.
And the last point sometimes turns out to be very important. We often say that we want to get married. We can shout about this at every intersection. But this may not happen in our lives.
I remember one of the psychological trainings that I took while at the institute. When I was in a long and unpromising relationship. The coach asked me why I didn’t want to get married. And this shocked me. How come I don’t want to get married? Yes, I already came up with rings for us, chose a dress for myself, even planned our honeymoon. And the number of children, and where we will live. And so on. It's just that he doesn't propose to me.
I was indignant about this for several minutes. And then the coach stunned me again: “We have in our lives exactly what we want. If you don’t have it, it means you don’t want it.”
To say that it was as if he poured a tub of cold water on me would not be enough. For several months afterwards I walked and thought about his words. After all, there was truth in this. For example, I wanted to go to St. Petersburg - everything worked out. It just happened. I really wanted to learn how to snowboard – and I succeeded again.
Everything I really wanted, what I was passionate about, what I constantly thought about - all this was realized. Sooner or later. There were opportunities, people, events happened.
And only with marriage there is some kind of nonsense. So many years have been spent, there is zero effect. Maybe the option is hopeless? Or did I somehow choose this option?
As it turned out later, this option could have worked out too. After all, he subsequently proposed to me. When it was already too late. So, it was all about me.
It was not difficult to understand what exactly was the matter. Too many factors combined into one big reluctance to be married. And resentment towards my father, who left my mother during pregnancy and then died completely. And the absence of a picture of a happy family before my eyes. And there is constant talk around about how hard it is to live married, that it’s easier to do everything yourself. And the reluctance to adapt to other people, change, and do household chores.
I remember even at university I told him that I would have a son, but that I didn’t need a husband. It will be easier this way – both for me and for my son.
In general, those words penetrated very deeply into my heart and into my head. And I began to see what was preventing me from getting married. First I had to deal with my fears. I started writing a list of what am I afraid of? It turned out impressive:
- Lose your freedom
- Lose independence
- Become a housewife
- That they will abandon me
- That they'll hurt me
- That I can't become a good wife
- What will they cheat on me?
- And not only
I wrote it now - and I just vividly remembered those feelings. And a burning desire to still find someone reliable and loved. And the paralyzing fear that this loved one will hurt.
The next list was about what's great about being married? Here I had to collect the advantages for a long time, dig for a long time and look for:
- It's cheaper (one apartment, one refrigerator)
- Have someone to go to a party with
- Have someone to go on vacation with
- Have someone to give birth to and raise children with
- Have someone to talk to
- If I get sick, there will be someone to help
- Not alone.
Everything unfolded roughly in this spirit. But when I looked at my two lists, I immediately understood why I was single. I really don't want this! After all, the fear of pain and betrayal is much stronger than saving one refrigerator. And I already learned to go to the movies alone. And I also know how to cope with the disease alone. Why should I get married?
This is how my eyes were opened to something that I had not wanted to notice for a long time. All the most painful places were sealed with adhesive plasters and covered with makeup. But the wounds did not heal. The pain and fear did not decrease. I had to remove the adhesive plaster and treat it. Heal your inner child, your birth scripts, raise your self-esteem, find your way.
It's been a long journey. The way to meet your dad. The way to meet your mother. The path to yourself and your life. You know the result. Three years after that day, I got married. Four years later, we got married.
And again this path is repeated
And now in my groups I meet the same unmarried girls. Who have already been burned in this life. Who live according to the not-so-happy scenarios of their mothers and grandmothers. Those who really want to be happy and get married, but they can’t.
And I conduct classes for them, and they write to me everything that I know and remember very well. I ask them why you need to get married, and I see:
- Married woman status
- For mom and grandma,
- To have someone to take care of
- To be protected
- For my husband to earn money and for me to be at home,
- To give birth to children,
- To wear a white dress,
- So that you don’t feel ashamed in front of your friends
- To be like everyone else
- Because it's time - age is running out
And only a little I see true desires:
- To be with your loved one,
- To build the future together,
- To develop personally,
- To give Love...
I ask the girls again and again:
“Why do you want to “buy this elephant”? Do you even need this elephant? Maybe you feel good like that? If a list is written with great difficulty, then life will be difficult to follow. Because you don’t understand why you need to go there, what good will happen there? Perhaps you have seen a not very good relationship between mom and dad. Or mom and dad got married one day and got divorced. Or there was no dad at all, and you didn’t even know what relationships were like. What kind of marriage is this!”
And then we write the second list. It's easier to write. It has more points. And more power in each of them. They are no longer tense, not forced. Each one looks like a bare wire.
- Giving up personal freedom
- Refusal of his father's surname, which is very important to him (such a betrayal of the interests of the father)
- Become financially dependent
- Fear of betrayal
- Fear of betrayal
- Fear of pain
- You need to adapt to the other person
- What about my mother? She is alone, not married...
- What about my sister? She is older and unmarried...
- Fear of losing yourself, dissolving in it
- Fear of being alone later
- I can't make decisions on my own
- Losing your self-sufficiency
- Fear of repetition of some situation - your own or your loved ones
And each of these points is very important.
For example, personal freedom. For some people this is vital. Personal space. And for them it is incredibly scary that after marriage this personal space will be taken away from them, stolen, and never given back, that all other advantages: children, social status - simply fade next to this one big minus!
The most difficult topic is usually financial dependence. After all, a woman in any family, one way or another, at some point finds herself completely unarmed and completely dependent. After giving birth to a child and going on maternity leave, they are forced to ask their husband for money. And for most modern women, this is humiliation. All money issues are very painful for almost every family. We were not taught to talk about money and sex. Therefore, these are the two most painful topics. Which are difficult to talk about. And it is impossible to remain silent.
The issue of trusting a man is even more difficult. What will you need to give up the right to make decisions after the wedding? After all, most of us modern girls were prepared for an independent life. We were taught that we cannot trust men, we cannot depend on men, because they will definitely let you down, deceive us, and offend us. There are no other options. Therefore, it’s better to do everything yourself, it’s better to suffer and endure. And be strong, self-sufficient, emancipated. Get a profession, go to work and earn your own bread, so that God forbid, do not depend on anyone.
And it is precisely this model that prevents women from building family relationships. It is this program that prevents many from getting married. A man simply does not want to marry a woman who does not need him. Who can do everything herself. He just doesn’t understand why she needs him in this case.
In family life, the best thing a woman can do is to completely trust a man, give him all her care, all her love, trust him completely, and let him be in charge. Unfortunately, this is very difficult for women with such experience. Very hard. I know and remember this from myself. It is possible, but it is a very long process.
And when these two lists are written, they can be compared. View the number of items in each list. And then “weigh” them. After all, sometimes one item can outweigh the whole list.
And in a group of girls, the second list almost always outweighs. List of fears, doubts, experiences. Although each of them wants to be married. Head. But…
If you are overwhelmed by the second list, try to find significant advantages of family life. Try to start by consciously balancing these lists.
For some, raising children may be a very important point. In a harmonious and complete family. To pass on the program of “good family life” to your children.
For some, the point that a man can become your partner and assistant in your self-realization will be a good help. That relationships can be initially built on mutual complementarity and mutual assistance. Look for such examples around you and put them in your piggy bank.
By the way, collecting examples of happy families is very useful. After all, our piggy bank of unhappy families is full. Over the course of so many years, we have already added a lot of evidence there. And examples of successful marriages are usually devalued by the phrases: “they probably don’t love each other” or “this is rather an exception to the rule.”
Start with famous families if there are no examples around you. For example, Ivan Okhlobystin has a wife and six children. Or Stephen Covey. Wife, nine children, fifty-two grandchildren. Together all our lives. Alexander Lazarev and Svetlana Nemolyaeva, Lyubov Orlova and Grigory Alexandrov, US President Eisenhower and his wife Mamie. There are many examples - it is important to learn to notice them!
And most importantly, dare to look your fears in the face. This is not a very pleasant meeting. But it will allow you to go further. See what is bothering you. And deal with it.
Maybe this “blockage” has been lying here for twenty or thirty years. And you walk around in the dark, constantly stuttering. And maybe your legs are already bruised in these places. And you still don't understand why.
When you turn on the light in this room, you will be able to see the reason for your constant falls and abrasions. And most importantly, you can pick up a broom and a rag and clean up. Get things in order in your head, in your heart and in your life. So that next time you can walk through this place without stumbling. Without experiencing pain.
And I really want our generation of intelligent and at the same time very sincere women to be able to change the course of history. So that our daughters and granddaughters have before their eyes an example of a happy family. So that they can see and know what a blessing it is to be married. Be married. To be a wife, muse, mother, woman.
“I want to get married”: how it does NOT work
Ask the average single woman about her goal in her personal life and, if she is busy arranging it, you will almost certainly hear: “I want to get married.” It is clear that one word is missing here by default. This means, of course, “I want to get married happily.”
Let's try to figure out why such a statement of the task is almost guaranteed to mean the impossibility of its implementation...
Something that cannot exist in this world at all...
The paradoxical nature of this formulation is no longer perceived by almost anyone, we are all so accustomed to it: women speak, and men hear. Well, a woman wants to get married: that’s normal, isn’t it? And even great?
Why does almost everyone want it, but few get out? And those who come out do not initially want this, but something completely different? And what exactly do they want?
A person, to be honest, periodically plays some kind of schizophrenic games, as Eric Berne popularly talked about: he thinks one thing, but says another. As a result, it does the third. Although, in fact, everything is even more complicated. A person thinks one thing, but means another.
Mind games. This is how the unconscious works.
But let’s return to the request “I want to get married” (options: I want to start a family, I want to build a serious relationship, I want to find a husband, etc.)
The paradox of this formulation is that getting married, so to speak, in general - that is, getting married, as it were, in a theoretical vacuum - is impossible. You can eat at all if you want - when it doesn’t matter what you eat. Or drink - when you are so thirsty that you are ready to drink even rotten water. Even on a trip, you may want to go in general, and not somewhere specific.
But it is possible to marry only a specific person who is already available, and with whom some kind of relationship has already been built.
Therefore, such a goal for a woman who is already in a relationship with a man is natural, logical, and understandable. This man has already proven himself as a man, as a friend, as a like-minded person, as a lover: for a woman it is already clear that he will also prove himself well as a husband. “I want to marry…” - good luck. And God bless you, as they say.
But “I want to get married” from the lips of a single woman who is not in a relationship is, sorry, a lie... But what does such a woman really want? After all, it is absolutely obvious to everyone, including herself, that she has no one to marry yet?..
Mind games
The answer, of course, is on the surface. A woman wants a man. That is, she wants to enter into a relationship with a person who will prove himself as a friend, as a like-minded person, as a lover. But at the same time, as we have already noted above, she says that she wants to get married. And it’s even possible that she really thinks it is...
But why not just say: I want a relationship with a man? Do I want a friend, like-minded person, lover?
The answer, again, is simple. One cannot underestimate the power of a powerful stereotype that has been formed in human culture for thousands of years, and eventually turned into an evil and harmful overseer living in a woman’s head. “Wanting to get married” is natural, normal, and approved by society. Wanting a man, a friend, a like-minded person, a lover is scandalous, daring, provocative, and condemned by society. Add here the long-standing Russian communal mentality, mixed with the Christian culture of sin and its fear... But I’m not “like that”: I’m waiting for the tram.
So I’d rather, out of harm’s way, want to get married. And I will say exactly this, so that, God forbid, someone doesn’t think something... In the end, what’s wrong? My potential man will understand what I really want? That’s why he’s a man?..
That's exactly what a man
The fact of the matter is that, most likely, he will not understand: unless he is a psychologist or a professional gigolo and Don Juan (which often coincides). For a man, “I want to get married in general” sounds something like “I want this pink green yellow thing”: let Fedot show agility, let him be able to get us something that cannot exist in this world at all...
Therefore, he automatically projects this desire onto himself (who should I marry? After all, there is no one here except me?), which, of course, instantly makes him tense. And not because he doesn’t want to get married. And not because he is afraid of responsibility. And not because he doesn't like this woman. But because it’s not clear: how can you want to marry someone you don’t even know yet?
So the relationship collapses before it even begins. So a woman has been wanting a pink green yellow thing for years, and she doesn’t get it. Although there are pink, green and yellow ones, in fact, there is a sea around her, and all of them, in principle, are ready to cooperate... You just need to admit to yourself that there is no B without a previous A. There is no marriage without long communication, long communication without the first dates, first date without acquaintance...
And, if you abandon other people’s stereotypes, and allow yourself freedom in desires and actions, mixed with basic common sense, it is impossible to remain alone...
For those who, even after reading this article, continue to believe that they should immediately talk about marriage, and will try to build a relationship with a man in this way, I can only recommend looking even more boldly into the future: “I will meet a serious, interesting man who will bury me in... Twenty years at the Smolensk cemetery. Or I’ll give it to him - if anything happens, I promise.”
To bet on a strong future is just a bet.
I wish you love and happiness. And everything real is not difficult...
Want to get married
A desire that sounds like “I want to get married” arises when a woman is implanted with the idea that her main values in life are marriage and children. The question arises: how often would this desire be heard if women were not instilled with this idea? But the answer to this question is difficult to obtain in the modern world.
The more pressing state of affairs is that the desire “I want to get married” is a normal manifestation of female nature. Every woman should want to be fulfilled in the role of wife and mother, otherwise society will look at her as not quite developed and full-fledged.
The idea that a woman wants to get married is further fueled by vivid ideas about how the wedding will play out. Psychologists often note that the desire to get married is often associated not with love and the desire to start a family, but only with the goal of having a luxurious wedding, where the woman will finally be the center of everyone’s attention, put on a beautiful dress, beauty will reign around her and fun. We can say that a woman does not want a future husband, but an ideal wedding where she can outdo the wedding celebrations of her girlfriends.
This can be associated with some desire to create a holiday for yourself. After all, a woman is so rarely pampered, especially by her man!
It should not be ruled out that a woman simply wants to be loved. And a man’s desire to marry her is a clear indicator of this. This is why everyone dreams of a wedding as a way for a man to prove his love.
However, women often yearn for a wedding only because they are lonely. When meeting men, they often start talking about marriage during their first meetings and dates. This greatly discourages men who have not yet thought about this topic. This is why women are advised to remain silent until the men themselves speak up and offer to marry them.
How often can you hear from women: “I want to get married!”? Often these individuals do not understand the misfortune that they bring into their lives. Not only are they, for some reason, unable to create those relationships that would give them happiness and love, that would bring the lovers to the registry office, they also try to forcibly organize their family life. “I want to get married” is a wonderful dream, but until it becomes a goal. When a woman becomes simply obsessed with this desire, she launches a mechanism for the destruction of all her beautiful ideas about an ideal relationship.
What could such a goal lead to? A woman obsessed with the dream of getting married begins to literally grab onto any man who comes her way. The level of her assessment and criticism of her partner’s personality decreases sharply and becomes equal to zero. This means that she will be ready to marry anyone who offers her his hand and heart.
And who will this person be? Often men subconsciously understand how much women want to be their wives. They also understand well when ladies not only want to start a family with their loved ones, but are obsessed with this desire. But not every man will want to play the role of the messiah and fulfill the desire of a woman, since it is important for him not only to love, but also to respect and see a person in his partner. But, unfortunately, in a woman obsessed with the dream of getting married, no personality is visible, since she is not critical of herself or other people.
What will be the result of this desire? There are two options for the development of events: the woman will remain alone or marry anyone. In the second case, the husband of a woman with the desire “I want to get married” will be a worthless and insignificant person. This is the type of person who would agree to be the messiah.
At first, family life will delight the woman, but over time, the veil that closed her eyes because of her goal will fall, and she will be horrified by the life she has chosen for herself. The husband will most likely be completely unattractive to her, drinking and possibly partying. Everything about him will irritate her because she will not perceive him as a man. Over time, they will separate and the marriage will fall apart. This is the result of wanting to get married.
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