Why is non-reciprocal love possible when one loves and the other does not?

Many psychologists are of the opinion that only the person who experiences this feeling towards himself is capable of love. In other words, those people who treat themselves with disdain, are in a hostile relationship with themselves, are not able to give love to another person. Such individuals, as a rule, have practically no expressed empathy: they do not know how to “read” other people’s emotions and sensations, or to grasp what another person is feeling. And they are not able to give love in response to such a feeling.

Self-dislike is the basis for the formation of the inability to love. But, besides this, we can highlight five points that influence a person’s ability and desire to experience strong and vivid feelings and share them with others and the world.

The problem comes from childhood

In a situation where the inability and inability to love originate in childhood, there may be two scenarios for the development of events.

1. If there is no demonstration of feelings in the family, no conversations about emotions, and it is unacceptable to show one’s love, then the child gradually begins to develop an inability to love. He does not see in front of him the correct - adequate - model of behavior that he could adopt. For him, limitations of feelings become the norm. Therefore, having become an adult, such a person may feel confused, awkward or even angry when someone expresses romantic sympathy towards him or demands love from him. In the picture of the world of such people, the capacity for love simply does not exist. They don’t understand why this is needed, what the meaning is and why they should say some words or take any actions.
2. Children who grew up in families in which they lacked warmth and affection, as a rule, also do not have the ability to love. Parents and those closest to them did not instill this skill in them, did not fill the child with love, did not form a sense of self-worth in him. As a rule, such individuals may seek a romantic relationship, but in order to fill an internal emptiness. They will bask in the feelings of other people or their passion, without giving anything in return.

Does non-reciprocal love mean that a person is bad?

If you fall in love but are not reciprocated, the thought that you are not good enough often arises. In fact, the lack of mutual love does not indicate how good you are at all. You simply do not meet the criteria of the person you liked. This is neither good nor bad, it just happens that way. However, there are probably people for whom you will be the most ideal, even if you don’t change anything about yourself.

Photo on Unsplash

In other words, there will always be people in this world who like you, who are ready to fall in love with you, who will be indifferent and even unpleasant to you. This happens to all people. If you want reciprocity, you have only one behavior left - to look for a person who will like you and who will like you. Otherwise there will be no reciprocity.

Focus on achievements

Experts adhere to the idea that goal-oriented people, so-called careerists, tend to be incapable of love. For such individuals, what comes first is not relationships and emotions, but achievements, goals, success and results.

Direct workaholics can also be included in this category. As a rule, individuals who are immersed in work do not know how to love and relax. From their point of view, emotions and feelings can be regarded as useless, distracting and even burdensome.

According to statistics, many workaholics become such due to the desire to escape from any everyday problems and situations, due to the desire to escape from themselves, their inner feelings and unresolved internal conflicts. Often the cause of psychological discomfort is precisely unrealized love or non-reciprocal sympathy. Therefore, the inability to love in this case may be based on a banal reluctance to experience something similar.

How to understand that you don’t know how to love: 5 signs

1. You can't live a day without your partner. It would seem that the main thought runs through all the songs and poems like a red thread: “I can’t live without him/her” or “I need him like air.” But in reality, how can you determine whether you love a person or not? In a good way, you do not dissolve in your partner, allowing both him and yourself to develop as individuals. You give some freedom, and don’t suffocate with your emotions.

2. You put the man's interests first. Naturally, you push yours into the background. This indicates your inability to assert personal boundaries. It is easy to subordinate you to someone else's will and imposed standards. I tell you how to get out of the vicious circle in my other article, “How to distinguish your desires from those imposed in the search for a calling?”

3. You are jealous. It's more about attachment than true feeling. You perceive a person as a part of yourself, and not as an independent person. Most likely, you do not know how to trust.

4. You are guided only by physical sensations. How can you understand that you don’t love a person, but are just obsessed with passion? Surely everyone has experienced “goosebumps” and “butterflies in the stomach”. But this is nothing more than a surge of hormones. By the way, if you are interested in learning more about the intimate side of relationships, I recommend taking a look at the “Love and Sex” section.

5. You are afraid of losing your partner. As a result, you are in constant tension and cannot relax. True love awakens the brightest thoughts and aspirations, and does not generate negativity.

Excessive self-love

Despite the fact that psychologists highlight a person’s love for himself as the basis for the ability to experience this feeling towards the world around him and other people, excessive concentration on himself can lead to negative consequences.

Morbid egoism and pathological narcissism can become the reasons why a person does not know how, cannot and does not want to love. Such a person is completely focused on himself, strives to please himself, constantly maintain the most comfortable living conditions, and fulfill exclusively his whims and desires. People with similar traits find it difficult not only to love, but also to build friendly or even working relationships.

I want to love! What to do?

First, learn to ask yourself the main question: “How to love?”, instead of “How to understand that this is love?” Do you feel the difference?

• Pay attention. It is not difficult. Just ask how your man’s day was, arrange small surprises.
• Respect your partner. Even if you have a different range of interests. To put it bluntly, he loves lamb, and you are an avid vegetarian, this should not be a reason for hassles.
• Develop empathy. Many people are scratching their heads: how to understand what you really love. They undergo tests and consult with psychologists. Increase your spiritual rating, my beautiful ones. Show qualities such as empathy, mercy, and the ability to support.
• Farewell. No one is perfect, and until you learn to let go of grudges, you will not be able to truly love.
• Make a compromise. If you always push your line, don’t understand and don’t hear your partner, then you won’t have a healthy relationship.

It may be difficult for you at first. But at some point you will enjoy your emotions. You will see that giving is twice as pleasant; giving thanks is beautiful. I wish each of you to experience this amazing feeling!

Dear girls, tell me, how was it for you? Offer your life hacks: how to determine if you love a person?

Inability to idealize

Oddly enough, from the point of view of psychiatry, the inability (inability) to love is literally a painful condition. In psychiatry, the inability to experience this feeling is often equated to a severe neurotic disorder. Why? For the reason that the person who seeks advice from a psychiatrist or psychotherapist has certain traits and symptoms that indicate pathology. Among which there is an inability and unwillingness to experience romantic feelings.

The very feeling of love presupposes a conditional idealization of the chosen object, be it another person or life in general, the world around us. If a person cannot or does not want to prescribe ideal traits to an object, she will not be able to truly love. The basis of such inability or reluctance, as a rule, lies fear: fear of attachment, fear of disappointment, fear of moral pain, fear of dependence, and so on. Experts note that very often people who do not know how to love are vulnerable, sensitive, anxious, suspicious and fragile.

Dmitry Kapustin. LOVE AND SEX. Why some people can't love

There are people who don't know how to love. Why do they care whether their partner gets pleasure or not? The main thing for him is that he feels good. He likes. But - yourself. About why orgasm is a greater incentive for women. Who needs an orgasm more - a man or a woman? Complete satisfaction for a man is a great incentive, but not as much as for women. For women, getting maximum release is such a tone, stimulation of a woman’s life that, although they do not admit it publicly, they put orgasm in first place. This is despite the fact that women are extremely rarely capable of 100% orgasm. Why does a woman have sex? After all, you can simply get pleasure by eating pizza or going to a concert. All girls are frigid in childhood. At 6-10 years of age they have no sexual desire. Already from the age of 10-12, sex hormones begin to eroticize the girl’s psyche, and interest in the opposite sex appears. But even then she doesn’t want sex, she needs intimacy. On the one hand, everyone tells girls that they need to keep a low profile and be like everyone else. But, on the other hand, she needs to be individual. Therefore, she faces a major task - to not stand out in the crowd, to be an individual, to be like everyone else, but at the same time - so that the boy she likes will pay attention to her in this crowd. She is looking for a knight on a white horse, she wants to be noticed out of everyone, her friends will die of envy, and for this knight on a white horse to take her away. She just needs to enjoy the empathy of what she sees - a dawn, a concert... And the main thing is that women’s fantasies be fulfilled. If you like a boy, then he should pay attention to her, a girl needs to meet him and understand that he is interesting, or be disappointed and move on to the next one, but realize her fantasy. Otherwise, a feeling of inferiority, closedness arises, and the woman does not feel loved and desired. Why should 10% of men think: something is wrong with sex? 20 years ago there were 8-10 sexologists in Belarus - the same number now. This means that people solve problems themselves, or these problems are not important to them. Otherwise, sexologists would be shaken like a pear. But there are problems. It is believed that 150 million men worldwide experience the disorder. I stick to another figure - about 10% of men of puberty age - from 18 to 80 years old - have problems that in one way or another should affect their quality of life. Not just sexual. This means that sooner or later each of them must think that something is wrong with sex. What do people do when health problems arise? If a person has a toothache, one will drop everything and run to the doctor, while another will take analgin and hope that it will go away on its own. It's the same with sex. Freud said a good phrase: “A person can be helped only in one case - when a person suffers.” A typical example is an alcoholic who drinks and does not suffer - he cannot be helped. But when he begins to suffer himself because he spends a lot of money, his liver has been planted - then you can work with him, you can help him. There is no doubt that sex affects all areas of life. The question is how significant sex life is in the values ​​of a particular person. I have a patient for whom the main thing is health, money, cultural interests, hobbies, and only after all – sex. He sublimates. And if he communicates sexually, he is satisfied with what he has. And he doesn’t care whether his partner is happy or not. About where people who don't know how to love come from. There are people who don't know how to love. Why is it indifferent to them whether their partner gets the pleasure he expected or not? The main thing for him is that he feels good. He likes. But - yourself. The appearance of people who love themselves the most depends on two factors: how desirable the child is and how much the mother showed love for him in the first two to three years of his life. Why mom? A small child is not afraid of women, he is afraid of all men. He, like a baby in the animal world, has a self-preservation instinct. Indeed, among animals there are very few gentle males, because children reduce sexual desire. When the female is nursing a child, she does not allow the male. Does he need it? How to get to the female? Kill a child. Therefore, the child reacts more calmly to women, especially to his mother. Among the tasks that a person solves in the first years of life is to determine what gender the people around him belong to, what gender he belongs to, to demonstrate himself, his body and gain the approval of others. Also, the little person needs to single out the main one from all those around him, provoke him and check how significant he is to him. How can I do that? Just like you all check on your loved ones. The child’s verification system is simple - he begins to hide and waits for his mother’s reaction. He sits, hiding, and thinks: “Will he come to his senses or not.” And this is such a horror for him when he sits, hiding for three minutes - an eternity! - and mom is talking on the phone or doing something else! He doesn’t understand this - he loves his mother and it would be a tragedy for him if she went somewhere. It is important for him that his mother is there when he needs it. As soon as he runs up to his mother, she must drop everything and take care of him. Mom should be gentle, affectionate and attentive. And she should be like this not 3 hours a day, but 24 hours a day - at least the entire first year of life. Whether the child will love, whether he will be loved, whether he will not exploit the state of his significance, depends on the purpose for which the child is conceived. Sex education begins exactly when a mother decides to conceive a child. Anything can happen in life; a “breakdown” can happen at any stage. But so that the mother does not have regrets, she must tell herself that from the moment she felt that she was pregnant, and the first few years of the child’s life, she will belong only to him. It is his needs that are most important. If the mother simply gave birth, fed, swaddled and sat one down to play, the child perceives this as if he was told: “Live on your own!” How can you survive on your own? Just to love someone. But who? Of course, yourself! This is how the child becomes an egoist, a narcissist. And he decides to engage in “prostitution” - to get what he didn’t get from his mother, to get his “candy” from everyone who touches him. The child begins to exploit others. Such children have a lot of friends and acquaintances, they play with everyone, they go to their hands - because the more you go to people’s hands, the more candies they give. He begins to skim the cream off of it all, not feeling anything towards the person who gave the candy. This is, after all, a version of prostitution - that is, receiving something without deep personal contact with a person. He treats those around him as people who just satisfy his needs. The same thing happens in the future and in sex - he loves himself and has sex for himself, he does not care about the expectations and disappointments of his partner. How often this happens is difficult to say. The chances of this option increase if the mother did not receive the same affection from her mother - then she most often treats her first-born the same way. A kind of relay race: an unkind grandmother created an unkind mother for her first child. But! The firstborn, of course, does not receive the proper amount of affection; he can repeat the results of his grandmother and mother. However, if the relationship with dad develops, then, as a rule, with the second and third child, mothers learn to be more attentive and affectionate. Nothing can be fixed in adulthood. Such a person understands that he is exploiting another, but he has no empathy or sympathy. He doesn't understand other people's pain. When our loved one is writhing from a toothache, we look at him, and we also feel bad. But not that kind of person - he will say that he is sorry, give you a pill, send you to the doctor, and calmly continue to watch TV. In the same way, he will not worry about someone else's orgasm; he does everything just to get pleasure himself. Therefore, the child must feel that he is loved. A maximum of two or three years after birth, other significant people appear - dad, relatives, environment, peers. But mother must pass the baton of love. After this he will be able to love everyone around him. But selectively. A normal child does not play with all children, does not go easy on everyone, and becomes very selective in communication. In the same way, subsequently he does not sleep with everyone, but chooses a worthy one.