You have met the one and only man of your dreams. The world around was filled with new bright colors, colors of passion, desire, and, of course, dreams of living together for the rest of our lives in love and harmony. But like every person, he turned out to have a past. And the past in the form of a former family: wife and children. Even if the chosen one had simply had a frivolous relationship with a girl, this fact would also not have gone unnoticed by the new passion.
And the viper of jealousy towards your ex has already crept into your heart and is eating away at you a little. It would be good to gain strength and cope with this, because you truly fell in love with this man, which means you must accept him for who he is, with all his past. And if you can’t cope and jealousy overwhelms you, are you afraid of harming your relationship or losing your husband? And then my ex-wife constantly bothers me with calls. There is only one thing in my head: how to stop my husband being jealous of his ex-wife? There is no clear answer to this question, but let’s try to figure it out anyway.
I'm jealous of my husband's ex-wife. What to do?
The ability to solve problems in marriage is influenced not by experience, but by a person’s psychological age. Remember yourself at 15, 20, 30 years old: reactions to the same event vary, as do needs. Regardless of what happens to a man, the first thing that should come to mind is the thought: I create my problems myself, I am responsible for my life. With this idea, look at the moments preceding the conflict in order to find the answer to the question: “Why or for what need could my husband distance himself from me or cheat on me?” The answer will allow you to find out the level of female self-esteem and the quality of interaction between spouses.
Almost 50% of people in Russia stop in personal development at the age of 20, so reactions to intergender conflicts remain youthful, and phobias remain untreated. This interferes with the rational perception of reality and becomes a cause for stress. However, if we assess the situation in the family without bias, the conflict-producing link is the spouse. To refute this, it is enough to identify facts proving the deliberate suppression of a woman’s jealousy by a man.
What should I do if my husband is jealous of his ex-wife? To find the answer to this question you need to:
- Analyze the situation to identify the type of jealousy: find the origins, situations or behavioral lines of the husband that cause it;
- Interpret the psychological attitudes that put pressure on the female subconscious, forcing her to see a threat in that girl;
- Since the conflict involves three parties, evaluate the interaction between the ex and her husband and identify the presence of hidden intentions on both sides.
Among common cases, psychologists note 4 high-frequency ones:
- The previous girlfriend has become a friend, their relationship is the same, but physical touching is limited to hugs (each contact seen by the wife can be regarded as an attack on the husband’s feelings, which causes anger at the offender and fear of changing the man’s love orientation);
- They met only at night because they were both busy, so they were only in a bed relationship and continue to communicate (there is a fixation on the idea that the husband, in the absence of his wife, is capable of resorting to bed activities with his ex-girlfriend, this forces him to limit his freedom through numerous checks: from monitoring dialogues on social networks to enhancing the sense of smell when hugging him);
- The first wife has a child, whose father is your husband (visualization of frames in the head of a jealous woman knows no bounds at the moment the father is with the child, this increases neuroses and fear that, against the background of his attachment to the child, he will have a desire to raise him in a complete family, means returning to it (about 30% do this, but only 2% of such unions are preserved));
- Your ex often appears on the horizon, for example, she has become a work colleague, is your children’s teacher, or works in a store opposite your house (the wife’s psychological discomfort directly depends on the man’s behavior in the presence of a potential homewrecker);
- It seems that her husband is jealous of her (see: A husband is jealous of his ex-wife. What to do?).
In any of these cases, the woman’s psychological state is harmed, so let’s look at significant episodes from each. If your story is distant from those listed, try to persuade it to one of them; they will differ in content, but will be interpreted in the same way.
Do husbands have exes?3
And here a lot depends on the relationship of the spouses. When there is nothing connecting you other than everyday life, it is rarely possible to say about any relationship after a divorce. If there are children together, a woman will always remain someone’s ex-wife. And this is a warm attitude towards the husband, with whom the most beloved person is connected - a child. And if a woman is grateful for this miracle, she will never treat the person who gave it badly to her.
An alternative case is when a couple separated due to mutual claims. He earned little, and she gave up the best years of her life, raising a child for whom he did not even pay child support. The woman will try not to make contact, avoiding meetings in every possible way. But he won’t stoop to insults; he is, after all, the father of her child. Despite attempts to maintain neutrality, she will not refuse to talk to her ex-husband about the children, and will not stop communicating with her mother-in-law if the relationship can be called at least to some extent good.
As practice and statistics show, ex-spouses rarely get back together, but there is always a connection between them: either issues regarding children are resolved, or feelings are killed when you just need to love in order to forever put an end to the idea that one of them will change. As a rule, this does not happen, and that people are wasting their time. Why girls are jealous of their ex-boyfriend and what this means to their current boyfriend, read our article at the link.
Why is my husband jealous of his ex-wife? Causes.
There are three categories of jealousy: conscious, subconscious and unconscious. Conscious jealousy does not provoke an emotional outburst; it is used “for the sake of decency” to demonstrate love and limit the presence of third parties in one’s gender territory. Subconscious jealousy causes a storm of emotions: anger, antipathy, resentment, disappointment, despondency, but is the result of psychological trauma. Unconscious jealousy can be defined as a provocation for subconscious purposes. For example, in the words of a woman: “I am jealous of my husband’s ex-wife, but I don’t understand why,” but after psychotherapy it turns out that she did this to take revenge for an old insult and due to the lack of male attention (her husband almost ignored her in the evenings).
Internal causes of jealousy.
Subconscious impulses (grounds), forcing one to experience a negative range of emotions in a conscious state, deplete the nervous system, so it is necessary to interpret them in order to learn how to cope with the surging neurosis. This will not affect the situation, but will save the woman from many diseases associated with the endocrine and cardiovascular systems. A woman's jealousy is associated with interaction with her mother. Many people mistakenly believe that this is influenced by paternal upbringing, yes, it happens, but extremely rarely, just like a woman who is interested in football.
Step back, sit down and remember if the following events took place in your childhood:
- The mother is busy with important work, you are trying to attract her attention, you call, but she pushed you away, scolded you, without listening to your ideas or requests (this model of interaction forms in the girl’s head the idea of \u200b\u200bgrabbing on to someone who will act differently);
- She left, leaving you alone, did not explain when she would return and whether she would return at all, but you were in hysterics for a long time (mistrust, fear of loss, betrayal and even relationships are born (some women are afraid to fall in love so as not to feel jealousy));
- As a child, your mother’s drill led you to the point where you were unable to approach her with a question, for fear of a reaction (a fear is formed of admitting jealousy, opening up to your husband, asking about his whereabouts and feelings for another - relationships are built on subjective ideas about your spouse);
- If there is a sister or brother, do you think that their mother loved them more? If yes, give reasons for your answer (this way the girl’s self-esteem decreases, she grows up with a lifelong desire to compare herself with someone, while often underestimating other people’s personalities if she feels infringed on her own);
- The father left the family without asking your opinion, and later did not interact with you enough (a child’s resentment towards the father can: give rise to hatred and distrust of men, force one to stick to one’s husband, keep him under a tight rein, which collectively indicates low self-esteem).
These 5 global concepts form desperate jealousy, so at the slightest visualization of betrayal or the departure of a husband, the whole body boils. Adaptation requires psychotherapy, but you can use memories from childhood to fight on your own. It is important to correctly interpret the culprit in the formed form of mental reaction, and then, with all your might, switch to a third-party priority activity.
But not every woman, saying “my husband is jealous of his ex-wife,” associates a negative feeling with fantasies and is a pathological jealous person. Sometimes it's about a man and his old girlfriend.
External causes of natural jealousy.
If a wife, while monitoring a broken couple, discovers behavioral signs characteristic of a love relationship, a natural defense mechanism in the form of jealousy is activated. This phenomenon came to us along with polygamy, when our ancient ancestors had to stick together to survive in harsh conditions. It works for a loving person who does not want to lose his partner, so this jealousy is justified. Thus, the phrase already makes sense: “I am jealous of my husband’s ex-wife because she kisses him on the cheek and strokes his lower back.” There is no point in giving examples of a husband’s interaction with a potential homewrecker, if any, since any deviation from marriage towards another woman violates the wife’s mental state. It is enough for her to inform her husband about this, since distancing herself from her previous girlfriend will contribute to better interaction. If he values it, he will listen.
It is important to remember that a husband who has no intention of becoming intimate with her will not seek contact with her unless this is due to raising a common child. If an intention is discovered to separate your husband from you, then you have the right, by uniting with him or independently, without violating the provisions of the criminal code, to get rid of her.
Friendship with an ex: reality and myths
In films you can most often hear the phrase “let’s remain friends,” but in fact these are the most dishonest words when they are trying to maintain a beautiful face despite a bad performance. The girl doesn’t need anything from her ex, although the guy wouldn’t mind having one or two girls in reserve, to whom he can return as soon as possible.
If there are situations where ex-lovers are left to themselves, because he is a good doctor, an artist, or just a “necessary” person whom you have known for a long time. This is the only reason to continue to communicate. A normal girl will never boast about her love affairs and cling to her successful marriage. If there is even one chance of hurting your ex, you can lose all the benefits that can be gained from the post-love relationship.
It is impossible to save a relationship in which the guy initiated the breakup. The girl simply does not need to continue communicating with him. She will say hello and talk to his mother if they are neighbors or meet somewhere else. But it is stupid to be jealous of her past, which so irresponsibly abandoned her and took away the biological clock of youth. No woman will think of her ex as something pleasant, even if they shared good memories.
How to avoid a pessimistic outcome of events?
In a fit of negative emotions, women run the risk of committing a reckless act, which is why psychological practice is full of funny stories:
- I’m jealous of my husband’s ex-girlfriend , so I set a condition for him: either me or his ex... (although they worked in different offices of the clinic and just said hello, but my husband had to quit, and then look for a new job for 5 months, which also happened to be a beautiful nurse , who previously studied with him in the same educational institution, this fact became a reason for new jealousy);
- He called me by her name, because of this I realized that he was cheating on her and filed for divorce... (although before that, the woman created drama every evening for 2 months, pronouncing the name of her ex-girlfriend, and he didn’t even communicate with her, wife discovered her on his friends list and intuitively began to program his unconscious).
Considering only these two situations, one can understand that although the thought of a husband’s inclination towards polygamy haunted women, this had nothing to do with reality. In view of this, you need to rely not on suspicions, but on facts (see How to find out that your husband is cheating? 60 signs of male infidelity.).
If the husband’s communication with his ex puts pressure on jealousy, it is advisable to honestly admit this with a slight bias towards the role of the victim, but without suppression and insults. Afterwards, discuss what value she represents to him, whether he is going to spend time with her, and establish rules that, if followed, will preserve the marital relationship.
If your husband has to see the child, try to find contact with him (take a walk together, have a tea party...). This will help you find out the level of influence of children’s whims on your husband and eavesdrop on the conversation to identify the manipulation of that lady. It is known from practice that women are able to “cloud” the child’s consciousness so that he repeats memorized texts in order to attract money, goods, payments for services, and even persuade him to return to the family.
If you feel that in the presence of your ex, your husband is transforming into a male conqueror, it would not be shameful to play his game, starting with comparisons of his person with someone from the people who are authoritative for you. Focus the idea on his “Excellency”, treat him first class, saying: “Does Your Excellency want anything else?”, without offering a smile and good nature. At the moment when he asks for intimacy, he refuses with the words: “Why are you asking this from me? You divided your love with your eyes, I noticed even then! Here’s to her...” Ignoring followed by everyday inaction until a man apologizes will do the trick.
If the spouse has children from a previous marriage
You definitely cannot change this situation, just come to terms with it. No matter how much you want, your spouse will communicate with his ex-wife. It’s good if the separation was peaceful and without mutual claims - then the likelihood that the ex-wife will turn the child against her husband is extremely small.
A common mistake that many women make is to prevent them from meeting children from a previous marriage. Unfortunately, such tactics do not lead to anything good - you will only ruin your relationship with your spouse and there is a high probability that he will return to her again.
Don’t make scandals, quarrels, or give ultimatums—either you or the children.
Of course, your husband may make a choice that is not in your favor; after all, children are part of his life. Be wiser - make friends with his children, invite them to visit, love them as your own, then your spouse will love you even more. A man’s relationship with his ex-wife: should not be a reason for jealousy and resentment; on the contrary, you need to treat your husband with warmth and attention; if necessary, you can make friends with this woman or try to break all ties
How to stop your husband being jealous of his ex-wife (girlfriend)?
If jealousy towards your husband's ex-wife is not due to his or her real intentions, then therapy is needed. The simplest method for getting rid of an illness on your own is self-hypnosis. There is no need to repeat the same thing to yourself every day; it is more advisable to include rational thinking and ask a set of questions:
- What makes me different from my husband's ex-wife? I'm second.
- Why did I become second? Because he failed to get from the first one what I give him.
- What couldn't she give him? Love, since it is the main motivator of the husband’s good deeds.
The conclusion that should come to your mind: “I’m better than my ex, that’s why he chose me, and if we met 10-20 years ago and divorced, and the ex became his second, he would consider me better, because today he only looks back in my head." Next, support this statement with arguments based on your beliefs and the psychological situation in the relationship.
In continuation, I recommend reading the material: How to stop being jealous of your husband? Advice from a psychologist.
The presence of many ex-passions or wives
The faithful had considerable experience in love affairs, and the ex-girlfriends were a perfect match for beauty and wisdom. How to compare with them and win in an unspoken competition?
Advice. Remember that, despite all the love affairs, your husband chose you, and jealousy of the past is simply groundless. After all, there is something in you that made your loved one propose to you, want to spend his life next to you, have children, create comfort. Leave all the old events in the past where they belong.
Test to determine the coefficient of female jealousy.
1. Do you think lying is the worst phenomenon in human life?
2. Is his/her social network account freely available to you?
3. Do you stare at other members of the opposite sex?
4. Do you often spend leisure time together?
5. Was there a time in his/her past when he/she was dragged into bed through naivety?
6. Do you often call to find out your location?
7. Do you feel resentment against peers from the past that still persists to this day?
8. Do you regret that you didn’t meet him/her earlier, then things could have been different?
9. Have you ever had an ex who cheated on you?
10. Does the number of his/her exes directly affect your respect?
11. Do you think that he/she should be under control?
12. Are you checking his/her phone?
13. Do you often imagine him/her in bed with another person?
14. Would you take revenge on everyone who once offended you? Only honestly!?
15. At school, you studied almost perfectly in the first grades, but as you got older, your grades worsened?
16. Do you prohibit him/her from meeting friends?
17. In your childhood, did your mother often leave home for a long time, without explaining where?
18. Was your first love at an early age and turned out to be unpromising?
19. Do you look at his/her gaze when a prominent person passes next to you?
20. Do you prefer that he/she not change much?
Mental problems
It also happens: a man has issues that only a psychiatrist can deal with.
Childhood traumas, past experiences, a lot of things. Especially if you left him yourself, and he really suffers and wants to return the relationship. And, most likely, this is one of the reasons for your divorce.
In this case, both jealousy and “love” can be truly sincere. Although his emotional dependence on you will play a big role here.
This is the case when you need to be really careful with your ex-husband. Such a person may suffer alone, quietly, even to the point of suicide, or openly and inappropriately display aggression, even outside the framework of the conflict.
This is one of the reasons why you need to leave a marriage wisely and carefully, with respect for each other - unless the case is hopeless.
What else may be useful to you:
- Using Turbo Gopher, you can clear your mind of all
jealousy-inducing thoughts and images, as well as the emotions associated with them. - You can get to any episodes of your past, including all those that influenced the formation of your jealousy. With Turbo-Gopher, you don’t even have to remember all your situations from the past - your subconscious remembers them, including all childhood and even infant psychological traumas, and this is enough to process them and free yourself from their influence on your present and future.
- Work on Turbo-Suslik is carried out completely independently
, without any assistants, mentors, etc. - To practice using the system, you will only need half an hour to an hour a day
at a convenient time, and you will feel the results very quickly.
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is a natural reaction that follows someone's attack on your property. You and your loved one belong to yourself and each other, so jealousy flashes in any classic relationship. But what about jealousy towards your ex?
He does not belong to you, just as you do not belong to him. Everything is in the past, you both have found freedom. Or maybe only he has found freedom, because you still can’t calmly watch him develop a new relationship. This time jealousy decided to play against the rules.
No, in fact, jealousy continues to remain neutral. It's all about you and your attitude towards your ex-love. You still feel possessive about your ex and won't let him go. Even if you think that the past is over, your subconscious mind will drag you back to the past.
What are the reasons for this and how to deal with it?
