5 reasons for a 4 year old child not to obey – what should parents do?

Every child from early childhood sometimes behaves in a way that is completely incomprehensible to parents - behavior sometimes does not fit into “adult” logic. What is the reason that a 2.5-year-old child does not obey, throws unreasonable hysterics, not allowing parents to rest peacefully after a working day? There can be many options. Some parents make the mistake of preferring not to pay attention to such behavioral features of the baby and believing that with age “everything will go away on its own.” Unfortunately, this approach causes serious deviations in the psyche of a child left alone with his problem. Others, on the contrary, try with all their might to calm the baby, unwittingly turning him into a little tyrant.

About the importance of the problem

Let's consider what is associated with regular whims, disobedience and hysterics at 2.5-3 years old. First of all, it is increased nervous excitability. Moreover, in some children it is observed from birth and represents personality traits, in others it arises with age under the influence of external factors (both the education system as a whole and specific events).

Such behavior can be observed on an ongoing basis or represent attacks that occur as a response to psycho-emotional stress that accumulates over time. It is extremely important for parents to understand these factors and solve the underlying problem, otherwise all this will carry over into adulthood and become the reason that the matured child will be considered nervous, intemperate, even aggressive.

It is interesting that some children are constantly hysterical, wanting to manipulate their parents, to force them to “dance to their tune.” Babies do something similar, trying to get their mother’s attention at any cost. Older children, at 2.7 years old, become much more cunning - they understand how others will react to one or another of their actions, and often very skillfully subjugate their parents.

Possible reasons

Let's consider what are the main reasons why a child throws tantrums, cries, is capricious, and refuses to obey his parents. There are several of them.

• Lack of attention. Some parents mistakenly believe that a baby at 2.5–2.6 years old does not yet need to communicate with them, that he is very small, does not understand anything, so it is enough to feed him, wash him, change clothes and put him to bed. They consider talking to the baby unnecessary. The result is that the child suffers from lack of parental attention, so he tries to solve the problem in an accessible way. So, the baby will very quickly realize that crying and hysterics are a great way to concentrate everyone’s attention around him. And he will use this technique.
• The desire for revenge. Some children, who, in their opinion, were offended by their parents, may begin to act up, thus wanting to take revenge.
• Riot. Some mothers believe that until the age of 3, the baby does not have his own will, his own point of view, so they allow themselves to use an orderly rude tone towards him, in every way to belittle his importance (“who are you anyway”). The result will not be long in coming - the child will become nervous and capricious.
• Self-esteem. Anyone is pleased when people feel sorry for him, pay attention to him, and show sympathy. Children are very smart, therefore, once they cry and realize that their mother is ready to drop everything and come to feel sorry for him, the baby will constantly use this “trick” to assert himself.

Another possible reason is the appearance of a younger child in the family. The parents' attention switches to the baby, and the first involuntarily becomes the “elder”; he not only receives much less parental affection, but is also offered new responsibilities that he does not need at all. Being unprepared for such responsibility, a child can become very “spoiled” and begin to be capricious, wanting to regain his mother’s attention.

In addition, hysterics can be caused by:

• overwork;
• inability to get what you want;
• lack of vocabulary to express one's experiences and feelings, which leads to the need to use crying.

It is important for parents to remain calm and understand that this time is an inevitable period in the lives of many children that must be endured.

Night hysteria

Situations are also possible when a child wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, cannot calm down, breathes heavily, is covered in perspiration, and does not recognize his own parents. The reason most often is that the baby had a nightmare, which can be repeated several times a night. The condition is called “night terror syndrome” and most often goes away with age. Parents need to take measures to prevent their child from accidentally causing physical harm to himself.

Mood

And one more feature, it is additional, but very important. If everything is fine with the child, he has no physical ailments, he will be in a joyfully elated mood .

This seems to be not such an obvious thing, but it is very revealing. In principle, children of this age, despite all the difficulties, are very sunny creatures, joyful, rejoicing. Their positive emotions prevail. If this is not the case for your child, then either something is seriously wrong with his upbringing, or the baby is not entirely healthy.

We’ll talk about the physical characteristics of babies in their second year of life next time.

Signs of hysteria

Children cannot stand it; due to their age, they begin to cry and throw hysterics at the slightest sign of discomfort.

The following signs will help you recognize a tantrum in a child:

• an outburst of uncontrollable anger;
• tears;
• loud, hysterical screams;
• irritation.

The child at this moment cannot control himself, causing rage and anger in the parents, since the older generation is confident that the baby has everything necessary for happiness. If the situation occurs on the street, then it is aggravated by the intervention of “sympathetic” passers-by who ask to calm the child down or reproach the parents for raising him incorrectly. Wanting to calm the baby down, mothers fulfill any of his demands, just so that the child calms down. And quick-witted children quickly understand how they can always get what they want. They begin to use whims, which, unlike hysteria, are most often conscious and used to achieve a goal.

The child will want to test his parents’ strength, starting to cry and be capricious whenever he fails to get what he wants “in a good way.” At this moment, it is very important to show restraint, not to let the baby feel power, otherwise he will continue to achieve his goal with hysterics, and the system of norms and rules will be greatly shaken.

Recommendations for parents

To solve the problems of children's disobedience and constant tantrums, parents should, first of all, pay attention to their own style of behavior. Perhaps, due to excessive busyness, the mother is unable to devote adequate time to communicating with the baby, which provokes him to cry. In this case, you need to talk to the baby more often and tell him fairy tales.

If a parent realizes that he unwittingly offended the child, he should apologize and admit his mistake, otherwise the desire for revenge will only intensify. You cannot humiliate a child, order him, treat him like a weak-willed creature who does not have his own opinion. Of course, at such an early age the baby is still completely dependent on his parents, but such an attitude will not lead to anything good - over time he will come to terms with constant humiliation, grow up timid, unsure of himself, completely devoid of leadership abilities.

During periods of children's whims, it is important for mothers and fathers to remain calm, although sometimes this can be quite difficult. You can read more about hysterics in children here.

You need to set a positive example. It is not surprising that constantly arguing and nervous parents have the same children who use the model of behavior available to them and consider it the norm. That is why, in order to solve the problem of whims and hysterics, it is often enough for the parents themselves to behave calmer.

It is important to show not only endurance, but also imagination.

Let's give an example: Masha refuses to eat porridge, saying that it is tasteless, causing bewilderment to her mother, because 10 minutes ago Masha herself asked to cook this particular porridge. Dad comes into the kitchen and, seeing the plate, is happy, says that he will eat everything with pleasure, and even picks up the plate. And Masha is mischievous again, saying that she can handle the mess on her own. Thus, the cunning dad managed to achieve his goal and feed the child.

It is unacceptable to spoil a baby, even if it is a long-awaited and only child, the favorite of the whole family. It is important to teach the child to understand that, besides him, the parents have other things to do, so you cannot demand constant attention. However, you should not ignore the child’s needs; you need to ask his opinion, be sure to listen to him, although not always fulfill his wishes. Any refusal must be justified; it is important for the child to understand why it is not allowed.

The apogee of the crisis of three years - hysterics

The child perceives them as a means of manipulating adults , who still dictate their own rules. At such moments you may feel like a guinea pig, because... hysteria can happen in a crowded place. And under the reproachful glances of others, parents are often lost and do not know what to do in such a situation. In this situation, you need to remember that it is difficult not only for you, but also for the child himself, who consists of nothing but contradictions. Try to change your response style, give the child the opportunity to demonstrate greater independence, and perhaps this period will go more smoothly.

Expert advice

Factors that can cause negative behavior in a child are quite diverse. Therefore, the advice of a psychologist involves, first of all, establishing the cause of whims and hysterics. Based on this, ways to solve the problem are determined.

• If the reason is overwork, you need to create a daily routine in such a way that the child has the opportunity to rest during the day.
• Excessive busyness of a child can also cause attacks of nervousness and whims. Some parents, with good intentions, enroll their son or daughter in various clubs or continuously teach them at home, which affects the psyche and leads to similar problems. You can cope only by normalizing the baby’s life and avoiding excessive stress.
• A common reason is rebellion against parental despotism. In this case, you need to allow the child to become more independent, give him the opportunity to dress himself, choose a suit for himself. It is important to ask his opinion about what to cook for dinner, where to go for a walk. Moreover, parents do not need to become obedient “servants” of their child; it is enough to show interest in his position and listen to his opinion.
• As soon as the child is about to cry, you can try to distract him with an easy-to-follow request.

Active listening can help your child deal with their own emotions and feelings. Parents can use the phrases “I see that you are upset because you broke the doll”, “I know that you are angry.” The child learns to understand himself and control his emotions.

Prevention

A 3 year old child has tantrums. How to avoid them? And here, as they say, you can’t get by with half measures. This requires an integrated approach. Starting from the daily routine and ending not only with teaching the baby, but also with working on yourself.

1. Dose the emotional and physical stress that your little one receives during the day. This is especially true for cartoons with various superheroes that are so popular today. The brain of a child at this age is not yet ready to perceive a large number of special effects and adequately respond to the fantastic images of the characters in these films.
2. A three-year-old child should go to bed on time in the evening and fully rest for the prescribed one and a half to two hours during the day.
3. Carefully monitor your baby's emotional state. Voice your observations: “I see you are upset. Can you tell me what the reason is?”, “Are you offended because the girl didn’t treat you to candy?” This will help the little one understand his feelings and start talking about them.
4. But your task is also to teach your child to control his emotions. To do this, he must clearly know the limits of what is permitted. What you can do and what you can’t do. Identify all the taboos, and most importantly, explain why certain actions are prohibited. A child should not blindly follow someone’s orders. He must be confident in their appropriateness.
5. In your toddler's daily routine, allocate enough time for games. You can guide them in the right direction, you can participate in them. This is a powerful pedagogical tool. And it would be a sin not to use it. But give the child the opportunity to be alone - the master of his own play area.

   Having noticed the first signs of an impending hysteria in a child, try to distract him, switch the baby’s attention to something interesting and entertaining.

6. There is no need to try and always do everything for your beloved child. The baby may still be quite clumsy in his attempts to dress himself or help you with cleaning, but these are his first achievements. And they make him stronger, more confident. They build character and self-esteem.
7. Try to use requests, rather than orders, to achieve the desired result. The kid will be very willing to please you, but the order may be met with hostility.
8. If in a given situation there is an “either-or” option that suits you equally, give the child the right to choose. If there is no real choice, you should not create an appearance and then try to impose your option on the little one.
9. So that the baby does not perceive hostilely your attempts to put him to bed or take him home from friends, warn him in advance that soon it will be time to end the game and begin the mandatory procedures.
10. Carefully observe the baby's reaction to developments. And you will notice the symptoms of an approaching hysteria. This could be clenched fists, snoring, pursed lips, whimpering, etc. Try to divert the toddler’s attention to something interesting.

Remember, at 3 years old a child is just learning to manage his emotions. For him, this path is not easy and thorny. So become for your beloved child on this path both hope, and support, and an inexhaustible storehouse of knowledge. Then you won’t be afraid of any hysterics!

How to calm down?

Let's consider the recommendations of experts to help deal with the most difficult question: how to calm a child who is freaking out, hysterical, screaming and crying, demanding to buy him a toy? Some children even lose control of themselves and start banging their heads against the wall. The situation is very difficult, especially if everything happens in a clinic or public transport. How to be?

1. Above all, experts urge keeping it brief. In this state, the child cannot perceive long parental speeches and does not delve into their meaning. Therefore, you need to speak to your baby strictly, clearly and concisely.
2. A calm tone and soft but confident intonation are the best helpers in this case.
3. You cannot give up, deciding to fulfill a whim, just to calm the baby down, promising yourself that next time the mother will be more persistent. The solution to the problem cannot be postponed.
4. It is unacceptable to respond to a child’s aggression with aggression; parents need to show restraint and patience. Moreover, physical punishment should not be used.
5. If the situation allows (mother and child are at home), it is very advisable to leave him alone with his tears, but under control. The child will understand that he has “lost a viewer” and will stop crying and screaming, quickly lose interest in the whim and switch to something else.

To some parents, the latter measure may seem unnecessarily harsh, but it is not. Very often, if one child takes a toy from another, the offended child will try to protect his property. But if an adult is nearby, he will run to complain, maybe even throw a tantrum so that someone else will solve his problem. By allowing the child to remain alone, a thoughtful parent will take a step towards becoming his independent and independent personality.

After a tantrum, it is important to take the child in your arms or hug, talk to him tenderly so that he does not have the feeling that his mother has stopped loving him. But the system of prohibitions must be strictly observed. At the same time, it is very important that one parent does not violate the prohibitions of the other (for example, dad gives the child chocolate, although mom strictly forbade it). This shouldn’t happen, both should be “on the same team”, support each other, and all disagreements should be resolved in the absence of the baby.

Parental tactics and strategy during a 3-year-old crisis

Of course, it’s easier for you to quickly wash, comb and dress your child, and put a spoonful of porridge in his mouth. You are in a hurry, but the child does not understand this - after all, he can do these actions himself. Therefore, from now on, if we want to raise an independent personality, you will have to redistribute your time and start getting ready for a walk or to kindergarten in advance. Change your style of communication with your child , try not to order and coerce, but to cooperate and provide a choice: “Help me cross the road, I’m so afraid of cars,” “Which blouse should we wear for a walk, red or black,” “Will you eat soup or porridge.” Perhaps such techniques will help calm the child’s rebellious spirit. If your child demonstratively screams in a store, demanding a toy, say a firm “No” and turn away. Try to remain calm, although this will be very difficult to do under the disapproving glances of others. After he calms down a little, tell him the alternative : “You wanted a bear, but let’s buy pencils and draw a big bear at home.” And after the baby has calmed down, talk through your own feelings about what happened “I was very upset .....”, but in no case evaluate the child “you are bad”, “your behavior is disgusting...”. In turn, this will teach the child to subsequently express his feelings . The 3-year-old crisis is a turning point in the development of a child’s personality. This is a difficult period not only for you, but also for the child himself; it is not for nothing that this period is called the “age of obstinacy.”

When to contact a specialist?

There are situations when disobedience, crying and whims are a consequence of hyperkinetic syndrome - a mental illness. In this case, you will have to take professional help.

In addition, it is imperative to show the baby to a neurologist in the following cases:

• loss of consciousness or trouble breathing during a tantrum;
• vomiting after;
• lethargy, sudden apathy;
• The condition does not stop even when the baby is 4 years old.

These symptoms may indicate a serious illness, so they should not be ignored.

Almost all parents have to go through hysterics and crying, whims and tears, the main thing is to learn to understand their baby and react sensitively to the changes happening to him. Then there will be much fewer problems.