The father does NOT take care of the child! WHAT TO DO? 5 REASONS for the “absence of dad”.

In everyday life, men, as a rule, are completely occupied with the material well-being of their family, and, alas, there is very little time left for raising children. It’s not uncommon for dad to come home from work after midnight, and the opportunity to fully communicate with the kids only falls on the weekend. But what if dad has no desire to participate in raising his child at all?

The main ones:

• Dad works a lot and is so tired that he simply no longer has the strength to care for the children.
• Dad's upbringing was appropriate : his mother also raised him alone, while his father “brought money to the family.” Such an echo from the past is a very common reason, although it is fair to note that many men, on the contrary, try to make up for the lack of fatherly love in childhood in adulthood. Like, “everything will be different for my child.”
• Dad believes that he already “does too much for the family . And in general, washing diapers and rocking a child at night is a woman’s job. And the man must lead, guide and nod approvingly at his wife’s reports about the children’s successes.
• Dad is simply not allowed to take care of the child. This reason, unfortunately, is also very popular. Mom is so worried that “this clumsy parasite will again do everything wrong,” that she simply does not give her husband the opportunity to become a good father. The disgruntled father eventually gives up trying to break through his wife’s “armor” and... withdraws himself. Over time, the habit of observing from the side turns into a normal state, and when the wife suddenly angrily exclaims “you’re not helping me at all!”, the man simply cannot understand why he is being reprimanded.
• Dad waits for the child to grow up. Well, how can you communicate with this creature who can’t kick a ball yet, or watch football together, or even express his desires? When he grows up, then... wow! And fishing, and hiking, and driving a car. In the meantime... In the meantime, it’s not even clear how to hold it in your hands so as not to break it.
• Dad is still a child himself. Moreover, no matter how old he is. Some remain capricious children until old age. Well, he is not yet mature enough to raise a child. Perhaps in 5-10 years this dad will look at his child with completely different eyes.

My husband doesn't take care of the children at all. I started thinking: do men even need children? And how are you?

Recently I thought about the question: do men need children? I grew up in a complete family: I had a caring mother, father and even a younger brother. We had a dad in our family, but the thing is that he just was. He never took us fishing, never played with us, never told us funny stories. Dad seemed to be there, but it seemed like he wasn’t there, his presence wasn’t felt. My mother always went to school meetings. And even when in the eighth grade my brother’s classmate cut up his new jacket with scissors, my mother went to deal with the bully. No one has met me since our first dates. Well, that was, that was.

When my boyfriend proposed to me, I shared with him my feelings about wanting a caring and attentive father for my children. My beloved quickly dispelled my fears, and we got married. Two years after the wedding, our daughter was born, my husband helped me in every possible way in caring for the child.

Motherhood was not difficult for me, and a year later, when I learned about my new pregnancy, I was only happy. Just nine months later, my husband and I became parents to another beautiful daughter. Everything went as usual, I won’t say it was perfect, but I couldn’t call my chosen one a bad father. But then our eldest went to school, and two years later so did our youngest. And here I experienced a feeling of deja vu.

I had the impression that I was repeating my mother’s fate, and my children were repeating their own. Every day, my husband comes home tired from work and plops down on the sofa. He never teaches the girls homework or takes them to school. It is clear that he cannot physically meet them from school, because at that time he is still at work. But in the morning he could see them off, but no, he’s in too much of a hurry, so I take my daughters away.

When his daughters come to him with questions about their lessons, he simply sends them to me, brushing them off that he doesn’t know the correct answer. On weekends, he spends his time watching videos on the Internet instead of playing with the children. I tried to gently explain to my loved one that I needed to spend more time with the children. To which my husband said that if he had a son, he would find something to do with him, but it’s better for a mother to spend time with girls.

It's such a shame. I know how important the role of a father is in a girl’s life. It’s already beginning to seem to me that I simply chose a man similar to my father as my husband. Or are all men not interested in their children? My younger brother has a son, but I wouldn’t say that he spends a lot of time with him. There are fathers who are interested in the lives of their children, walk with them in parks and take them to the circus. Or is it all weekend dads? Maybe in order for my daughters to have a dad, I should divorce my husband? I, of course, would not like to act so categorically. But I don’t know how to deal with my spouse and how to make sure that there is a father in my daughters’ lives...

How to involve dad in this important process?

1. It is strictly not recommended to remove dad from his responsibilities immediately after the maternity hospital . Yes, the baby is still too small, and the dad is clumsy. Yes, mom’s maternal instinct tells everything, but dad doesn’t have it. Yes, he doesn’t know how to wash diapers, and what jar from the shelf is needed to sprinkle talcum powder on the baby’s bottom. But! Dad has a paternal instinct, dad will learn everything if given the opportunity, and dad, although clumsy, is an old enough man not to harm his child.
2. Do not demand your husband’s participation in raising the baby in an orderly tone. Involve your husband in this process gently, unobtrusively and with the wisdom and cunning inherent in a woman. “Darling, we have a problem here that only men can solve” or “Darling, help us with this game, we definitely need a 3rd player.” Possibilities - a carriage and a small cart. The main thing is to want it.
3. Be smarter. Don't try to put yourself above your spouse in the family. This is dad - the head of the family. This means that dad decides which school to go to, what to eat for dinner, and which jacket his son will look most manly in. Give your spouse the opportunity to make his own decisions. You will not be left behind, and dad will be closer and closer to the child. Axiom: the more a man invests in his child (in every sense), the more he values ​​him. Moreover, no one is stopping you from giving your husband the options for schools, dinners and jackets that you like. Compromise is a great strength.
4. Trust your spouse. Let him accidentally tear the Velcro on diapers, stain the kitchen with vegetable puree, sing the child the “wrong” songs, put him to bed an hour later and draw inappropriate pictures with him. The main thing is that he participates in the child’s life, and the child enjoys it.
5. Praise your spouse often. It is clear that this is his responsibility (like yours), but your kiss on the unshaven cheek and “thank you, darling” are his wings for new successes in communicating with the child. Tell your husband more often: “You are the best father in the world.”
6. Ask your husband for help more often. Don’t put everything on yourself, otherwise you will have to carry it all on yourself later. Initially, involve your husband in the process. He bathes the child - you prepare dinner. He plays with the baby, you clean the apartment. Don’t forget about yourself: a woman still needs time to get herself in order. Constantly come up with urgent matters (not too long, do not abuse your spouse’s kindness) in order to leave your husband and child alone as often as possible - “oh, the milk is running out”, “Darling, the bread is out, I’ll run out quickly, at the same time I’ll buy your favorite gingerbread cookies”, “ oh, I urgently need to go to the bathroom,” “I’ll just put on my makeup and come straight to you.”
7. Dad stubbornly avoids the upbringing process? Just no hysterics! First, calmly explain how important paternal upbringing is for the development of the child’s character and personality. And then gently and unobtrusively “slip” the child to dad for 5 minutes, 10, or half a day. The longer the father spends with the child, the faster he will understand how difficult it is for you, and the stronger his attachment to the child.
8. Start a good family tradition - going to bed with dad. To daddy's fairy tales and with daddy's kiss. Over time, not only the child, but also the father will not be able to do without this ritual.

Experience communicating with your children

This experience begins to accumulate as soon as a baby appears in the family. And the success or failure of this experience determines whether a man wants to repeat it.

The law of reinforcement works here: If the reinforcement is positive, the person will repeat the experience, if it is negative, he will avoid it.

People always strive to do what they are good at and what they feel successful at. This is especially true for men, for whom the worst test is to feel like a failure.

Read more: What to do with a 4 year old child

Who creates such reinforcement for a man?

• A child creates when a man sees happiness in his eyes, when the baby enjoys communicating with dad;
• creates the situation itself when a man does not experience a feeling of confusion, when he knows that everything is working out for him;
• and of course, it is created by a woman. And it is a woman who can change the situation.

However, it's not that simple. In our culture, the usual ways of reacting to a loved one’s mistake are:

• blame him for everything;
• point out an error (so that it can be corrected as soon as possible);
• give assessments and recommendations (after the action is taken, not before);
• act disappointed (so that he can see what offense he has caused);
• cite other people as examples (it’s especially painful for men when they cite other men as examples);
• compare with oneself;
• take offense.

And what are the results of such behavior?

The man distances himself more and more from the child and refuses to take any responsibility. He gets angry and does not try to delve into “purely feminine” issues: treatment, study, education, organization of holidays, etc.: “If you can do better, then do it.”

It is important to involve him, and not take everything upon himself. You cannot push your husband out of the family. A woman can often intuitively make the right decision regarding a child, but a man cannot. We need to help him.

The father doesn’t want to raise his children – should we deprive him of parental rights?

Even if you are on the verge of divorce (or have already divorced), deprivation of parental rights is too serious a step to take out of resentment, annoyance, etc. Although a mother herself can raise a son or daughter.

It takes very compelling circumstances to deliberately leave a child without a father. This is his categorical reluctance to participate in raising the child, a destructive lifestyle or a threat to the health/life of the child. Your relationship with your husband does not matter in this case, what matters is your husband’s attitude towards his child.

Before you decide to take such a step, think carefully about your decision, putting aside emotions and ambitions!

What to do if parents are divorced

Unfortunately, divorce is not uncommon. Some fathers strive to meet with their children, and in this case mothers should not interfere with communication. However, it also happens that the ex-husband does not want to deal with his child. Here it is worth looking at the situation.

— Talk to your ex-spouse, find out why he does not want to communicate with the child. A man should explain that he is not just a father, but a role model. Any conversation should take place in the absence of children; adults should solve all problems only among themselves. Hysterics and quarrels are unacceptable. Communication should be in a calm tone, because the goal is children, their upbringing and emotional calm.

— Deprivation of parental rights. This is an extreme measure, and it is used if there is a possibility of violence on the part of the father, he evades paying child support, has mental illness, or uses illegal substances. Deprivation of rights occurs through the courts.

A family is not just people living together. They must be responsible for each other, help and support their loved ones. A woman’s wisdom is to lead her husband, without pressure and conflict, to the idea that the child needs the attention and upbringing of each parent.

In what case can rights be revoked?

According to the RF IC, the grounds are:

• Failure to fulfill parental responsibilities. This formulation includes not only the father’s evasion of obligations for the health, upbringing, education and material support of the child, but evasion of alimony payments (if, of course, this decision was made).
• Using your family/rights to the detriment of your child. That is, inducing a child to engage in illegal activities (alcohol, cigarettes, begging, etc.), obstructing their studies, etc.
• Violence against a child (physical, mental or sexual).
• Illnesses of the father , in which communication with the father becomes dangerous for the child (mental illness, drug addiction, chronic alcoholism, etc.).
• Intentional harm to the health/life of the child himself or his mother.

Where to file a claim?

1. In the classic situation - at the place of registration of the child’s father (in the district court).
2. In a situation where the child’s father lives in another country or his place of residence is completely unknown , go to the district court at his last place of residence or at the location of his property (if the mother knows it).
3. If, along with the deprivation of rights, a claim for alimony is filed - in the district court at your place of registration/residence.

Each case of deprivation of rights is always considered with the participation of the guardianship authorities and the prosecutor.

How to prove?

Even if the ex-spouse regularly sends alimony, he can be deprived of his rights if he does not participate in raising the child. For example, he does not call the child, comes up with excuses not to meet with him, does not participate in his educational life, does not help in treatment, etc.

The rights and responsibilities of a father after a divorce - every parent should know this!

But mother’s words alone will not be enough. What is the proof of a father's non-participation in a child's life?

Firstly, if the child is already able to speak, an employee from the guardianship authorities will definitely talk to him . Who will ask the child how often dad meets with him, does he call, does he come to school/kindergarten, does he congratulate him on the holidays, etc.

It is not recommended to provide the child with appropriate “instruction” : if the guardianship authorities suspect something is “off,” then at a minimum, the court will not satisfy the claim.

Parental family

• Firstly, this is the model of behavior and relationship with the father. If a boy respects his father, he develops the correct model of behavior: “My father is good - I am good as a father.” If a man treats his father with disdain or ridicule, it means that he will feel, paradoxically, the same attitude towards himself in the role of a father. If the father at some point left the family, the model of the father is formed from scraps of films, stories from others, etc. But, unfortunately, in our culture there are few worthy examples of fathers.
• Secondly, the model of behavior and relationship with the mother is of great importance. If in a man’s childhood the mother always made all the decisions on her own, suppressed the father, took care of the children herself, played with them, helped with their studies, organized events, then he will expect the same from his wife.

But don’t despair and think that nothing can be fixed. From the moment a child appears in a family, a man has absolutely equal chances of becoming both a bad and a good dad.

Evidence you will need to provide along with your claim:

• A document from an educational institution (school, kindergarten) stating that dad was never seen there.
• Testimony of neighbors (note - about the same thing). These testimony will need to be certified by the HOA board.
• Testimony (a petition for calling them should be attached to the claim) from friends or parents, from fathers/mothers of their child’s friends, etc.
• Any other evidence of all the circumstances that confirm a certain guilt of the father or his absolute non-participation in the life of the child.

Has there been a similar situation in your life, and how did you solve it?

When does dad come into play?

Yes, men are different, but you need to remember one important thing: a man should always participate in the life and upbringing of a child.

For many, this will sound strange; the stereotype is too common: a man works, and a woman is on maternity leave.

As a result, representatives of the stronger sex shirk their parenting responsibilities, hiding behind the phrase: “You’re a mother, you know better.”

But the mother knows the baby’s needs better, since she spends more time with the child, prepares for motherhood and communicates with other representatives of the “club of interests.”

A man acquires knowledge of paternity along the way, learning information from his wife, friends, and colleagues. It becomes a discovery for a man that in addition to baby cream, there is also powder, oil, and dozens of other hygiene products.

A man needs to be involved in the process of caring for and raising a child from birth. Tell the baby's father what you know, and don't be shy about asking for help.