Child's jealousy of mother's man. Causes and characteristics of childhood jealousy. What should parents do? Psychologists about childhood jealousy

The article reveals the causes and main manifestations of childhood jealousy when a “new dad” appears in the family. The signs of childhood jealousy towards a new husband and ways to overcome the difficulties encountered in the form of advice from a psychologist are analyzed.

Unfortunately, more and more often, various difficulties and problems arise in families, which lead to the fact that relations between spouses reach a dead end and there is simply no other way out other than divorce.

In this situation, not only adults experience severe stress, because children experience no less shock, and sometimes suffer much more than their parents.

Later, despite the fact that the first marriage was not successful, often the woman still decides to get married, and then a new problem appears - childhood jealousy of the new husband.

The child is jealous of the new husband ↑

So, you find yourself in a situation where a new husband has appeared in the family and, accordingly, a new dad to your child. Why do children begin to be jealous of their mother for her new man, even if he treats both the woman and the children very well?

As soon as the “new dad” appears, the woman finds herself in a rather unfortunate position - she seems to be in the line of fire between two competing parties and plays the role of a kind of “buffer”.

As a result, a conflict of loyalty arises, which is typical in situations where a mother supports her child (which can upset her husband) or vice versa, when a woman, as a wife, takes the side of her man. It is then that the child, feeling betrayed, may begin to show jealousy.

In addition, children are afraid that the love, affection and care that is intended for them will go to someone else. But children are selfish by nature, so they don’t like to share what, in their opinion, belongs only to them.

Here it is important to make it clear to the child that mother’s love will remain inviolable, and both the woman and the man should guarantee this.

Does the eldest son offend the youngest? Learn how to deal with childhood jealousy when you have your second child. I am jealous of my husband towards my mother-in-law: what should I do? Read the advice of a psychologist here.

Causes

There are many reasons why a child is jealous of a new husband, but there are standard ones that encourage almost all children to display this negative emotional reaction.

The list of typical causes of childhood jealousy includes:

• reluctance to accept a new family member, which is usually associated with the child’s deep belief that dad will soon return to them;
• fear of losing the love and attention of their mother, because many guys mistakenly think that their mother will stop loving them if she has a man;
• childish selfishness, when the baby is accustomed to the fact that only he gets all the best and the mother should not give her attention to anyone else;
• the new husband’s negative attitude towards the child, which is not uncommon;
• increased demands of the “new pope” and excessive severity;
• mother’s reluctance to take part in resolving conflict situations between the child and the new husband;
• the appearance of a brother or sister - the common child of mother and new husband.

Signs

It is very easy to understand that your child is jealous, because children’s emotions manifest themselves much more clearly and it is not yet very possible to restrain them.

Volitional control begins to actively form only at primary school age, and reaches its peak of development in early adolescence - somewhere around 16-18 years old.

A child shows jealousy in different ways, which mainly depends on his age, type of temperament and level of education. But there are standard forms of behavior that make it very easy to determine childhood jealousy and your child’s negative attitude towards the current situation as a whole.

So, the most characteristic signs by which you can determine that your child is showing jealousy include:

• crying, hysterics, whims, protests and rebellion that children exhibit (this is typical for children of early and early preschool age);
• preschoolers may show isolation, frequent causeless grievances, avoidance of contact and communication with parents and other adults, and in order to attract the attention of mothers they can use negative forms of behavior (wetting, being capricious, boycotting requests, disobeying parents, ignoring prohibitions);
• a sharp deterioration in the academic performance of a junior schoolchild (the diary is covered with comments from the teacher about behavior and bad grades flaunt on its pages, which have never been there before), the child provokes conflicts in the family in such a way that the mother takes his side and tries to irritate the new “dad” ";
• open aggression (most often verbal) in adolescents, isolation and secrecy, manifestation of elements of deviant, addictive and delinquent behavior in them.

The main signs of childhood jealousy

Manifestations of a jealous attitude towards the object of their love in children largely depend on the strength of this love itself, personality characteristics and the reaction of parents to this.
Therefore, they will not necessarily be stormy and defiant. A child can experience everything deep inside. That is, signs of childhood jealousy can be divided into obvious and hidden. Obvious manifestations of jealousy in children include the following behavioral reactions:

1. Aggressiveness
   . The most common form of expressing your “ardent” feelings towards a competitor. This can be physical impact (if it concerns the “children’s” category) - fights, the desire to pinch, push, take something away. In general, it will hurt. Or emotional pressure - insults, teasing, name-calling, the desire to slander, persuade someone to do something bad, set them up. Or both methods together.
2. Hyperactivity
   . Excessive activity of the child, which has not been observed before, should also alert vigilant parents. A pet that has been pushed off its pedestal changes its tactics of behavior as compensation for the feeling of uselessness. At the same time, the newly minted “live” not only does not want to calm down, but also refuses to eat, nap, or recently enjoy favorite activities (walks, toys, meetings with friends or family, playing with a pet, etc.). He is moody and cannot concentrate on one activity.
3. Neurotic reactions
   . In very sensitive children, the response to a jealous attitude to a change in their status in the family or company may not be behavior, but the reaction of the nervous system. For example, hysteria, stuttering, nervous tics.

The following signs indicate that a child is experiencing jealous feelings within himself:

• Anxiety
  . Negativity, resentment, and misunderstanding accumulated and pent up inside still break out, despite the outwardly calm child. These may be sleep problems - restless, interrupted sleep, difficulty waking up or getting up. The digestive system can also react - poor appetite, digestive disorders, change in taste preferences. The psyche also gets involved, bringing back old fears and inventing new ones. School performance may also suffer.
• Change of mood
  . A clear sign that a child is experiencing a stressful situation is a change in his emotional behavior. If a previously cheerful and active baby suddenly becomes sad, passive and whiny, this is a hidden urge that he needs help and attention.
• Avoidance of independence
  . Very often, older children begin to consciously “unlearn” and “not be able” to do what they did independently before the arrival of a new family member. A child’s idea of ​​the world tells him that if he becomes like the baby to whom his mother now pays so much attention, then she will devote the same amount of time to him.
• Deterioration of health
  . Internal experiences can also affect the child’s health - he may get colds more often or suffer from exacerbations of chronic diseases for no apparent reason. Or he may use simulation or trauma to attract attention.

Important! A child’s jealousy is his emotions, experiences that he can take with him into adulthood, thereby greatly complicating it. Therefore, it should not go unnoticed.

Stages of accepting a new family member ↑

Be prepared for the fact that before accepting a new dad, the child will most likely go through the following main stages:

1. Protest . Each age is characterized by different protests, but the goal is the same - to attract additional attention. The manifestation is the following: refusal to attend kindergarten or school, a favorite dish, activity, etc. To find a way out of such a situation, first of all, you should not tell the child what to do and what not to do. It’s better to ask what he wants, think together about how to get out of this situation without breaking the child’s psyche from an early age.
2. Despair . At this stage, the child may give a not entirely adequate reaction to the questions, suggestions, and wishes posed. He perceives everything too painfully, perhaps he does not control himself and therefore often throws hysterics. In this case, your reaction should be calm - do not succumb to the child’s provocation and hug him, despite the fact that he will be capricious, cry, push away and scream. At this moment, emotions are raging in him - from love for you to hatred, but this is exactly how all the negativity accumulated in the child’s soul finds a way out.
3. Denial . Most often, the manifestation of this stage can be seen in the absolute disregard of the stepfather. The child requires attention exclusively to himself. It’s important here not to let yourself be manipulated and not to let your child decide who you’d rather be with and how best to behave.
4. Humility . Any of the above stages usually lasts no more than a month and a half, and acute, critical moments - up to 3 days. Then the child gradually resigns himself, becomes ready to compromise, communicate, and accepts the new dad into his family. If this does not happen in your case, it is better to seek help from a specialist.

The right start

Before formalizing a relationship with a new man and starting a life together, be sure to introduce him to your baby. It is best if their first meeting takes place on neutral territory. A joint walk or picnic in nature will allow the child not only to get to know your chosen one, but also to get a little used to the new person. Later, when you invite your future husband to visit you, the baby will be much easier to perceive his presence, as well as the fact that he is now next to you.

Never hide the truth from your child. Having decided to get married, the first thing you should do is have an honest conversation with your child. Try to set your child up for an “adult” conversation and talk to him as an equal. Remind him that he is already an adult and therefore chooses his own friends, explain that you do the same. However, be sure to tell him that with the appearance of “this guy” in your life, your attention, care and love for your baby will not decrease.

Another important issue that should never be ignored is the attitude of the future stepfather towards your child. Be sure to pay attention to how your chosen one communicates with the baby, whether he tries to get along with him, whether he is interested in his opinion and desires. If a stepfather finds fault with a child or shows intolerance, this should certainly alert you. It is unlikely that his attitude will change radically after you start living under the same roof.

Mission: earn authority ↑

The new pope must understand that he must still earn the right to be called that. First of all, he must be an authority in the eyes of the child, and for this not much is needed:

• keep the promises made (this will characterize him as a person who keeps his word, so first you should think carefully before promising something);
• explain the causes and consequences of certain actions, situations, incidents, because any person, and especially a child, wants to understand the cause-and-effect relationship (this is also necessary to avoid the fact that in a certain situation the child will be at a loss, invent reasons for himself, look for shortcomings at home, will become a withdrawn and self-doubting person);
• adhere to the introduced rules and try not to break them (in order to avoid double standards, because otherwise this will not have the best effect on your baby’s future);
• be sincerely interested in the child’s life, his experiences, achievements, hobbies, try to be “on the same wavelength” with him, support him in failures and mistakes, motivating him for further success.

What not to do

1. There is no need to rush things and confront the child with the unexpected fact of a stepfather appearing in his life. He simply will not be able to suddenly replace his still beloved dad, with whom he may be in contact, with his stepfather. And even if the baby never knew or does not remember his father, it is difficult for him to adapt to the change in life in the family. And how can he accept the fact that his mother can love someone else? A child needs time to accept all the changes in his life. A stepfather also needs time and patience to establish a normal relationship with his wife’s son or daughter.
2. Do not demand or ask your child to start calling his stepfather dad. By the way, kids willingly call their stepfather dad. As for older children, they, as a rule, decide for themselves what to call the man with whom they and their mother live at the moment.
3. Do not rush to plan the birth of a second child if family relationships have not yet been established. A woman's pregnancy will only complicate the situation. Therefore, you will first have to make every effort to overcome alienation and jealousy towards the stepfather and the unborn baby. Do not forget that the appearance of a baby in the family is stressful for the older child; this will cause fear that he will be loved less, especially by his stepfather, in whom he has not yet gained trust.
4. Do not try to brush off problems that arise in the relationship between the stepfather and the child, especially if they happen regularly. You shouldn’t expect that you will “fall in love, be patient” and get used to it – this is not the case. Over time, the situation may worsen and reach a dead end. Feelings of jealousy towards the stepfather and accompanying negative emotions, if not dealt with, will create a lot of problems and conflicts that threaten the existence of the family itself.
5. You should not punish a child for his bad attitude towards his stepfather or his inappropriate behavior. Do not arrange an analysis of his actions in the presence of the new “dad” - you will receive a new portion of hatred and resentment.
6. A stepfather should not immediately zealously take up the upbringing of his stepson or stepdaughter, scold them for any offenses, or punish them. After all, you must first gain authority and respect from children. Let the biological parent, that is, the mother, do the upbringing.
7. Family life is not complete without controversial issues; conflicts and minor clashes often occur in the relationship between spouses. Never resolve conflict issues in the presence of children. After all, the child will always be on the mother’s side, even if she is wrong. Here is another reason for a child’s rejection of his stepfather in the family.

   

Advice from a psychologist ↑

The problem of a child becoming jealous of his mother for his new husband has long been of interest to psychologists and psychotherapists who have conducted many different experiments that have given excellent results.

Thanks to the work of experienced psychologists, today there are recommendations regarding the correct behavior of adults in a situation where a child is jealous of his mother and stepfather:

1. Try to convince your child that the appearance of a new dad in the family is not only in your interests, because for the child he can also become a good friend and protector. Show your child that he is not alone, that he has not lost your support and support in the form of you, and that the new husband is not at all an enemy for him.
2. Under no circumstances force your child to call your new husband daddy if he doesn’t want to. It is better that he comes to this himself, without pressure and unnecessary haste.
3. Do not leave your child alone at a time when you are completely immersed in overwhelming feelings. The more often you spend time with your new husband outside the home or just alone, the more negative the child’s attitude towards his stepfather will be.
4. During a conflict, try not to take the side of either your husband or your child, remain neutral.
5. It is very important not to brush off or ignore your child’s warning signs when he tries to convey to you that his stepfather is wrong about something. Naturally, this could be a false alarm (and even a provocation), but it’s definitely worth understanding the situation, otherwise you may later regret your inaction.

Remember, no matter how good your new husband is, you are first and foremost responsible for your child. Your decisions must be thought out and weighed, and actions (neither yours nor your husband’s) should not harm the child in any way.

Measures to prevent jealousy

With the arrival of a younger child in the family, parents have less free time. The attention that the firstborn received is redistributed to 2 children.

As a result, the older one begins to feel that because of the younger one they “stopped loving” him, and a feeling of rejection appears. Here parents need to be sensitive to their firstborn.

Preparatory stage

It is necessary to neutralize childhood jealousy even before the birth of the youngest child, preferably even at the stage of planning and pregnancy.

It is optimal if the eldest is about 4-5 years old, after passing the first age crisis. The fact is that at this age children begin to need to take care of someone; they often themselves begin to ask for a brother or sister.

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Regardless of the age of the first-born, it is necessary to carry out proper preparation and introduce him to the expectation. Tell them that mom has another baby in her belly who will be born soon, and that he will need the care of his parents and an older family member. Describe how he will grow and develop, remember what the firstborn was like.

There is no need to promise that the newborn will immediately become a playmate, how much fun it will be to chase a ball, draw, etc. Otherwise, the child will be greatly disappointed when he sees the helpless bundle brought from the maternity hospital.

Communication with a newborn

The jealousy of an older child towards a newborn will help to calm down communication and physical contact with the baby. This way the firstborn will be able to feel a connection with him, feel responsible for him, become truly close and understand how defenseless the second baby is.

If the child is still small, then the newborn can be placed on his lap. Of course, the communication process needs to be controlled.

It is necessary to interest the firstborn in caring for the younger one, involve him in various activities, and ask for help. And be sure to praise her for bringing diapers and bottles and other small help, saying that without him it would have been very difficult for mom. This way the elder will feel needed.

It is important to explain that a newborn requires round-the-clock care and attention. Tell him that the first-born received all the same attention, even more, since the mother was not distracted by anyone else.

Communication with an older child

It is important to properly build communication with your older child. Let him understand that having a junior not only adds responsibility to him, but also increases his status, gives him some privileges, and makes him an “adult.”

You should not overexert your first-born child with caring for a newborn. If he is tired, he is tired, then it is better to let the child play, draw, watch cartoons. Otherwise, negative emotions cannot be avoided.

Every day there should be a time when parents communicate only with the elder. At least an hour to play together, read fairy tales, talk. You can keep your firstborn occupied so that he doesn’t make noise while the younger one is sleeping.

It is important to maintain a balance in your relationship with children and to be fair. This is especially important as babies grow and mature. They will fight, make peace, take away toys, quarrel.

Parents will have to maintain balance in this complex system. You should not immediately blame the first-born or blame him for the fact that he is older and should be smarter; you need to try to impartially understand the situation.

Another important point is to avoid comparing children with each other. In this case, not only jealousy will appear, but also complexes.

How to overcome jealousy?

A completely natural phenomenon is a child’s jealousy of his stepfather. Your baby is not used to sharing your love with someone else. Often a child is jealous of his mother even of his own father, and even more so, he does not want to share his mother with “someone else’s uncle.”

It often happens that the stepfather is jealous of the child. This may seem strange to you, but men need attention just as much as children. Such cases occur not only in families where the stepfather is raising someone else’s child, but even the own father is sometimes jealous of his wife’s own child.

In such situations, the fate of your family depends solely on you: try to give your love and attention to your spouse and baby in equal quantities, so that none of them feels deprived or unnecessary. Involve them in household chores more often, ask them to help you clean, welcome guests or bake a cake - this way you will show them both that you value their opinion and love so much that you simply cannot do without them. In addition, joint activities perfectly bring together and unite all family members.