“My son is 11 years old and he is a very lazy child. Moreover, before he was an ordinary boy, inquisitive, everything was interesting to him, he wanted to try everything, he loved to study, he went to school with pleasure. But literally a year ago everything changed. He’s suddenly tired of studying, he refuses to do anything around the house (although he was lazy to do it before), and most importantly, he’s given up all his favorite activities. Stopped going to clubs, abandoned books, is only interested in the computer and can run around the yard with friends. The room is a mess. We barely finished fourth grade, and now we’re already in fifth grade, high school, this is a completely different level, and I’m very worried how my son will cope. At the same time, all the teachers say that the boy is smart and capable, but is lazy.
Of course, I’m trying to fight: I force him to do his homework, I want to enroll him in the sports section, I suggest we do something interesting together. But the son doesn’t want to do anything, refuses, and sometimes gets hysterical. He doesn’t listen to anyone, he even contradicts his father! We talk, force, even punish, but it is useless.
I don’t understand where the former active boy went. What will grow out of such a lazy person, he won’t achieve anything in life. Tell me, what to do with such a lazy child who doesn’t want to learn anything?”
— Anna, mother of 11-year-old Artyom
A hardworking child with excellent grades in the diary, success in sports and a creative hobby - almost every parent dreams of this. But in life, most often, everything is not like that: a son or daughter is too lazy to even clean up their own room, not to mention success in school or sports achievements.
Therefore, every parent has at least once wondered what to do if the child is lazy. Some of the children simply have “lazy” periods, while others seem to have been born indifferent to any activities.
Childhood laziness has many negative consequences. The good news is that this problem can and should be dealt with. Competent work on instilling hard work in a child will certainly yield results. In this article we will tell you why children become lazy and how to teach your child to work for life.
Opinion 1 “He doesn’t want to, that means it’s too early”
“If a child turns away from classes, it means it’s too early, the time hasn’t come.” One of the common opinions is true in a certain sense. The child is not psychologically ready to do what is offered to him and the way it is offered to him. At three or four years old, not every child enjoys playing cards or learning letters. This activity does not yet meet age needs. If you insist and force that it is difficult and not interesting for a child at this age, then you can really form a negative attitude towards classes.
Another thing is that if a child refuses tasks that most of his peers can perform, then the reason for the refusal is often a delay in the maturation of the functions necessary for further learning. In this case, it is necessary to study the reasons more carefully and look for approaches to activities that are accessible to the child, when what the adult offers will be easily accepted by the child.
What to do if your son doesn’t want to work (adult).
They say: “small children - small problems, big children - big problems.” Very often in life, many mothers are faced with the problem of their son’s reluctance to go to work. At any age, the son knows that he is guaranteed a roof over his head and a delicious dinner, and he can ask his beloved mother to give money for clothes and entertainment; she cannot refuse her child, even though he is far from twelve.
Adult sons, in addition to their rude attitude, very often upset their mothers by not wanting to go to work, and in addition, they also demand money, constantly complaining about their state of health or the lack of vacancies, or an overly characteristic leader. In general, there are many excuses.
First, the mother must stop considering her adult son to be a small child. The son must be made to understand that he is already a man and must provide for himself and his future family. You should also change the mother’s attitude towards her parasite son: become more strict and serious, stop constantly cleaning his room, pamper him with a delicious lunch and new things. You should also transfer the household chores onto the shoulders of an adult son: let him wash his socks, as well as the rest of his clothes, wash the dishes, and prepare dinner.
In such a situation, a very good solution can be an example as a natural father - a real man. You can talk about how he studied, where he entered, where he served and how he got a job, and also recall all his achievements at work.
A frank conversation with the father and the responsibility gained as a result of the mother’s refusal of household services will help the adult son realize the degree of his maturation and the need for work.
Opinion 2. “He doesn’t want to, that means he’s not interested”
“If a child stops studying, it means he is not interested.” We can agree with this opinion; the volitional processes of a preschooler are usually poorly developed, and he is happy to do what works and gives pleasure. In preschool age, “I don’t want to, I’m not interested” is often equivalent to “I can’t.” The reasons can be very different: from the consequences of hypoxia to the lack of desire to do something because mom and dad are quarreling. Personal characteristics and characteristics of parent-child relationships can also be the cause of suppressed cognitive interest in children.
Method two: kill motivation
Another way to discourage desire is when a child wants something, but is scolded or punished for it. The kid wanted to draw on the wall, he drew - and they shouted at him for it, he was humiliated, and then for another six months they remembered this offense... The next time he wants to do something, he will remember that situation and restrain his desires.
It happens that a child really wants something, but his desires are persistently ignored. For example, he wants to be able to draw or paint beautifully, accurately, but his hand still doesn’t obey. And his parents don’t want to deal with him. Where the baby could, with the help of adults, expand his development zone, he is left alone. A child cannot learn anything complex on his own, without outside help. And then he refuses first this, and then other activities. After all, in order to continue wanting to do something, you need to have experience of success.
Parents often complain: if you put pressure on him, he does it, if you don’t put pressure on him, he doesn’t do it. Unfortunately, this may mean that “I want” is already “broken.” And this often happens with adults. “I just can’t bring myself to do it!” - they complain. Some are sincerely surprised: “What, does it really happen that you don’t want to work through force?” Normally this is the only way it should be. Normally, a person’s motivation is not external, but internal. “My hands are itching,” although no one is forcing me to. Of course, this does not mean that a person should not make any effort! But he does not force himself, does not strain himself, does not feel like a victim of circumstances.
Look at the little children. These are perpetual motion machines, they cannot be stopped! They have a huge supply of internal motivation. Another thing is what we, adults, do with these engines, how we relate to this vigorous activity.
You need to be close to the child all the time, watch him, help him. But we don’t want to, we’re tired, we have enough to do. And now the child hears: “Sit down!”, “Don’t make noise!”, “Don’t get in the way!”, “Stop!”, “Stop it!”, “You give me a headache!”, “You’ve completely tortured me!” . What child enjoys being “daddy’s headache” and “mom’s tormentor”? And he begins to restrain his desires, and now he doesn’t bother anyone - he sits quietly in front of the TV all day or fights in a computer game. Only mom and dad are unhappy again for some reason: “Why aren’t you interested in anything, don’t want anything? I would go somewhere, do something..."
Opinion 3 “If he doesn’t want it, then it’s not his”
“There is no need to torture a child, let him play and do what he likes. If he doesn’t want to, then it’s not his.” A completely self-sufficient point of view. Of course, all children are different. What is interesting for one child leaves another indifferent. We could have stopped there if not for one thing. There are things that children just can do. With pleasure, because they like it or because adults ask for it - they simply can. Can hold a pencil in their hand and draw simple lines. They may not get much joy and prefer to run with the ball, but they CAN. But it’s another matter when a child refuses precisely because he simply cannot. And it is precisely this “CAN’T” that should make parents think and start looking for solutions.
For a child to want to study, it is important that several conditions coincide.
Interesting - I want - I can.
What to do if the child does not listen.
In the life of every child there is a certain period that begins at about two years old and lasts about a year. This phenomenon is called a period of protest. The child responds to almost all requests and wishes of the parents with a categorical refusal. Very often there are cases when a child rolls on the floor in a store, stomps his feet on the playground, throws toys at home, etc. In this case, the main rule is the correct reaction of parents to such behavior of the child.
It is known that children may not obey for two main reasons: in the case of a prohibition to do something, but the child wants to do it, or in the case when the child is asked to do something, but he does not want to do it.
Therefore, adults must remember that first of all it is necessary to ensure a calm and relaxed environment at home. You should try to maintain a certain daily routine for both parents and children. The child must feel and know that he is loved by his parents.
Parents must be able to find a middle ground: not to set certain limits and strict prohibitions, but also not to let the child go too loose, indulging him in everything. Concessions are needed in any case, but only in moderation.
There are situations when children become spoiled depending on the influence of other people. For example, at home a child is not allowed to do many things: take a TV remote control or a match, but when he comes to visit his grandmother or aunt, the child immediately receives permissiveness.
When the child returns home, it becomes difficult for him to understand why it is not possible here, but it was possible there, and he simply does not listen to his parents. Therefore, no one should ever undermine the authority of parents, both mom and dad. If a child categorically does not want to obey and behaves disgracefully, you should:
- - firstly, warn him about possible punishment and calmly ask him to calm down and stop misbehaving;
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- secondly, if the child still continues to behave inappropriately and does not listen to his parents, the promised punishment should be applied;
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- thirdly, the child must understand why and for what he was punished.
Then the child will gradually begin to think about his behavior, and in order to avoid punishment in the future, he will become obedient.
What does it take for a child to be INTERESTED?
1. The selection of games, manuals, and tasks must correspond to age and needs. It is best to consult with specialists when choosing games and manuals. It is worth reading the recommendations and descriptions, and being interested in how other children play these games. Just buying it and putting it on the shelf, indicating that the child “doesn’t want it” is annoying. To prevent this from happening, ask what is best to buy for the development of your son or daughter. Listen to recommendations. Watch your son or daughter. Many games made with your own hands and even together with a child are much more interesting. Moreover, it is not difficult and for many educational games it is enough to use the materials that surround you.
2. Just to be interesting doesn’t mean you have to buy “bright, catchy, rattling toys.” Psychologists note that the abundance of colorful toys distracts attention and limits activity, for example, to simply pressing a button. Games and tasks should be in the area of what is understandable and age-appropriate.
3. It also matters how you invite the child to play, how you give the game task. If a toy is placed on a shelf or given into the hands, it does not always involve the child in activities. It's best when you introduce a new game into existing play moments with your child. For example, you start enthusiastically building a garage next to a child who is driving a car. Parents often say that they have already tried all possible methods, but the child still throws everything away and refuses to play. In these cases, it is necessary to more carefully understand the reasons.
3. To make it interesting, you need to encourage active activity and spark interest. For example, create conditions for the child to look for or get a new game. Interest is stimulated when parents themselves enthusiastically begin to play different games of the child. In this case, it is important to feel your baby and understand at what point the initiative needs to be transferred, and how you can help so that the initiative does not fade away.
4. Train yourself to set aside time to prepare your lesson in advance. From experience working with many parents, I know that preparation does not take very much time, you just need to accustom yourself to it. When preparing a lesson, you can think about what can be captivating and interesting.
My child is constantly on the Internet and doesn’t want anything else. What to do?
Adolescence in modern children begins much earlier than the classic age of 13. Already ten-year-old boys and girls are defending independence, trying to separate from their parents and achieve the right to do whatever they want. The editors of Chips Journal spoke with teenage psychologists Maria Zavalishina and Anna Privezentseva and found out what to do if a child is not interested in anything other than YouTube videos, is rude and tests their parents’ strength.
What to do with children who at 10-11 years old no longer want anything? Parents jump around them, take them on vacation, offer them clubs, and all the children want is to hang around on the Internet.
Anna: The child doesn’t want anything - this is a traditional request to a psychologist, a fairly common situation. The worst thing that can happen is the onset of depression. But when a child is psychologically healthy and simply doesn’t want anything, we explain it as follows: in adolescence, self-awareness begins to form - the child strives to understand what I am like, what I want, what I should do, how to continue to live. In order to understand who I am, I first want to give up everything that is not me.
Accordingly, all parental suggestions and ideas on how to spend free time automatically become irrelevant. Because I didn’t come up with this, I didn’t start it, and everything that my parents suggest is automatically a no-no.
And if at the moment when a child refuses something, the parents calmly perceive it, move away from pressure, he has time and space to begin to navigate what he wants. This does not happen automatically and can take quite a long time. But this process is very important, you need to treat it with respect: this is a way to learn how to make a choice.
But children do not sit with their faces turned to the wall or looking at the ceiling; they are most often busy with gadgets or television. How to deal with this “I don’t want anything”?
Maria: Against the background of personal changes, it is very important to remember that there are quite serious neurophysiological changes. The brain biochemistry of adolescents is very different from that of adults. To put it bluntly, the neurotransmitter, which affects all cognitive processes, is responsible for the reward and pleasure system and partly for stress resistance, is produced in much smaller quantities in adolescents than in adults. This is also associated with the feeling of constant boredom and dissatisfaction among teenagers.
But at the moment when some reward-related action occurs, this neurotransmitter is produced in much greater quantities than in adults. The teenager is on a swing: most of the time he is depressed, but as soon as he receives a “reward”, he is plunged into a world of great pleasure. What exactly can be a reward is a separate topic. Typically, this is associated with peer approval or some kind of achievement within the game, as well as risky behavior (which can manifest itself in different forms). Children of this age generally have little energy, but their willingness to strive for rewards is quite high. And if we talk about gadgets, it is a very quick and easy pleasure; something that is always available.
And, of course, it is very difficult for a child to stop: the more you immerse yourself, the more you want. And one more thing: those structures that are responsible for control and volition in the brain have not yet matured in adolescents. And they find themselves in a cage: on the one hand, a flow of pleasure, on the other hand, boredom, and on the third, the inability to somehow regulate themselves and realize the consequences.
But does this mean that parents need to compete with gadgets? Offer interesting activities and provide constant entertainment.
Anna: At the age of 11-12, parents still have the opportunity to influence their children’s behavior: the role of the parent at this time is quite large. Someone solves this by banning and limiting gadgets. This works for some time, but then the child will still say in a rude manner: goodbye with his instructions and advice. I have not seen successful stories when parents controlled the time they used gadgets: as a rule, these attempts are doomed to failure with rare exceptions.
The child will break agreements like “you play for two hours and then go do your homework.” He will still play as much as he wants, because pleasure is higher than agreement.
But nevertheless, something can be done. For example, talking to a child. Don’t tell him: “you should go to the sports section,” but talk in terms of his personal development. It’s like: “look, you’re growing, your body is changing, it’s important and good, it would probably be good to watch your figure, your body. It would be great if you went to some sports activities. Let’s see what they are and what you would like and would be interested in.”
Through negotiations, parents can achieve their goal: the child is engaged in sports three times a week, and not sitting in gadgets. But the goal is achieved not by direct prohibition, but by expanding children's capabilities and horizons. It is important that the child learns to choose and has this choice option.
The dialogue is important: not “you will take English because you are a poor student,” but “look, you want to travel and it will be cool if you learn a language.” By the way, games or videos can also be a starting point for such conversations. For example, if children play online games, there are often foreign teams there, and there are many English-speaking bloggers on YouTube, and the child has a need to understand another language.
My call is this: there is no need to veto games, because most often this confrontation leads to a serious conflict. The game must be woven into the child’s reality in such a way that it is not the center of his life and the center of your conversations and relationships.
Often in a family, the struggle to give up a gadget reaches such an absurdity that parents and children simply stop communicating on any other topics, as if apart from how many hours you played today and how long it can last, there is nothing else to talk about. Parents enter into a dependent relationship with the child and thus begin to support his dependence. It is still important to maintain sanity: less panic and more constructive suggestions.
5 signs your child is becoming a teenager
Maria: Now all the processes responsible for perception, concentration, and memory are changing. The teenagers of today and those who were teenagers ten years ago are very different. Even at the physiological level: they have different ways of perceiving information. And people still don’t quite understand what to do about it. It seems to me that I will act as a kind of evil policeman, but I have a different position regarding gadgets: control should begin in childhood, and not when a teenager is already playing. I agree that late bans will not work, but restrictions are very important because the child himself is not able to regulate them. They should appear at an early age, when the child comes into contact with digital technology. But most importantly, this should not be a scandal, violence, and should not begin spontaneously and suddenly.
It’s more or less clear with younger teenagers, but how to interact with older children who don’t want anything? You can’t put pressure anymore, but what can you do? Maybe you need to “become a friend to the child”?
Maria: Still, a parent is not a friend. A child has friends, and they have a different function, a different relationship. And the parent has a position that involves, among other things, introducing restrictions, drawing boundaries and other regulation. There just needs to be a balance in everything.
Anna: I agree that the function of a parent is not “to be a friend.” The parent has responsibility for the child. He is legally, at least, responsible for it. But you need to understand that the responsibility of a parent also has its limits, it is not unlimited. A person can only control what belongs to him - for example, his body, his feelings, emotions, thoughts. But he cannot control another person, in particular a teenager. No matter how much he wanted and no matter how his responsibility dictated it to him.
Harsh attempts to control a teenager look like violence, and in fact they are. These attempts, as a rule, meet with severe resistance from the teenager, but if he does not have enough strength to fight, he simply quietly sabotages. For example, a parent says: “Sit down, do your homework.” The teenager sits down at the table, opens the textbook and picks his nose for the rest of the evening.
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All that a parent can do in this situation is to say in plain text: “I think that it would be much more important and useful for you to do such and such. I am ready to provide you with opportunities. I’m ready to pay for you, ready to sign you up, ready to take you, ready to support you. If you need help, I’m ready to wake you up in the morning, and so on. I am ready to do all this because I worry about you and love you. But then comes your responsibility.” Such a conversation is possible somewhere from the age of thirteen, fourteen. And that’s all from then on, period. There is nothing more the parent can do. A teenager must learn to take responsibility for himself, for his life.
The sooner a parent gets rid of the illusion that there are some cunning methods that can force a teenager to do what he wants, the less difficulties both he and the teenager will have.
Often a teenager spends all his strength on protest; he fights with his parents instead of sitting down and thinking about what to do with his life. And when teenagers find themselves in a situation where no one is putting pressure on them, they begin to do something themselves. After a while. This happens differently for everyone depending on their intelligence. Some people understand this in a month, some in a year, some in two. But at some point they all understand that they can’t live like this any longer, something needs to be done.
If the parents do not put pressure on them, ask how things are going, feed them lunch, and so on, then the teenager has the opportunity to still take advantage of the parents’ offer or come up with something of his own and ask the parents for help. This is how I imagine it.
In psychology, enrollment is open for group classes for teenagers 11-17 years old, and for children 9-10 years old. There is also the opportunity to sign up for an individual face-to-face or Skype consultation.
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What does it take for a child to WANT to study?
1. Regularity and habit of studying. When parents introduce activities into their daily routine and the child begins to get used to the fact that an interesting game with his parents now awaits him, he begins to make contact better and is more willing to engage in activities. When choosing a time for classes, you need to understand when the child’s performance is highest. In some cases, when a preschooler quickly gets tired and fed up, you need to set yourself up in such a way that you can offer tasks during the day at any favorable and convenient time.
2. A comfortable, inviting environment also helps to create a desire to study. A comfortable table without distracting pictures, a chair selected in height, properly organized shelves with games and aids - this is what organizes the child’s attention.
3. The ritual of classes, certain habitual actions make it possible to organize the attention of a preschooler. For example, a favorite song that gets you ready to start studying.
4. Encouragements (parents' joy expressed in something tasty) at the end of the lesson. Stickers, stamps, a trip to the slide after class - these are all things that keep you motivated.
5. Of course, it is important to praise and support the child. Warm words, the ability to notice effort and effort are the most powerful motivators. The basic attitude “You’re great”, a positive attitude towards the activity itself. Don’t be afraid to overpraise, supporting your child with inspiring words.
6. Conduct classes outside, use all surrounding objects to reinforce some concepts with your child. The relaxed, natural environment in which you play with your child helps the child perceive the activity as an exciting game.
“Come up with a game that would be interesting to you too”
Opinion of child psychologist, sand and play therapist Daria Klepalskaya:
Often, instead of: “Mom, let’s drive the cars,” you just want to lie on the couch, read a book or scroll through your social media feed. But what to do? A child dreams of time spent with a parent, it’s so interesting! “He/she is an adult and can come up with so many interesting games!” the kid thinks. When a child asks to play with him, this is not at all an order to play exactly THIS. You can come up with your own game. Think about what you would love to play now? Remember, your child needs your attention and time spent together.
Even children can concentrate
“Mom, will you play with me?” — I just picked up my three-year-old son from kindergarten, I have two huge bags and I urgently need to prepare dinner. Besides, I had a hard day, and now I want coffee and at least 30 minutes of silence. Instead, I should be an artist again.
It’s not enough that my son can’t spend five minutes alone. He won’t stop even after an hour of playing together, he can’t or doesn’t want to. It was at that moment when I was completely tired of such evenings that my grandmother came to visit. She looked at us and said that children are quite capable of concentrating on something on their own. My son simply lost this ability because I played with him too actively and did not allow it to develop.
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In fact, I sometimes felt guilty when my one-year-old son sat on the floor and did nothing but pull his nap. “Victor is an only child and gets bored easily. When we’re both at home, I always think it’s my job to take care of him,” I confessed to my mother. Like many other parents, I suddenly realized that sometimes I pulled my son away from boring and meaningless (in my opinion) activities when he was simply watching a bug.
Fixed time for independent play
The best way for children to find their own rhythm of play is when they can play alone regularly. One to two fixed periods per day are ideal for this. Mom told us how she once explained to us that now we must play alone, completing certain tasks.
Start with ten minutes and slowly increase the time to half an hour. Make sure the background is calm and free of distractions. Does your child not play alone? Start playing with him in parallel and move on to another task as soon as he is immersed in his own game.
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Play alone: the beginning will be difficult
At what age and for how long children can play alone also depends on the type of nervous system. Some children make it clear to their parents that they want to play alone. Others constantly require their participation. It's hardest for those who have one child because they don't have stimulating role models or siblings.
But in my case, the main role was played by the fact that I simply did not give my son the opportunity to be alone, get bored and start inventing something to do for himself. Well, my mother taught me that the problem was not with him, but with me. Because I created a vicious circle for myself. On the one hand, my son did not give me a minute of free time, constantly demanding to play with him. On the other hand, I encouraged this behavior and did not try to find a way out. More precisely, I only scolded him, not realizing that he was not at all to blame for this.
While my grandmother was visiting us, she began to make up for my omissions. She began giving her son tasks that he completed alone. At this time, she cleaned the room or prepared dinner, and upon returning she always praised her son for his achievements. And fortunately, he himself began to ask to give him the task. The boy enjoyed doing things himself so much that now he doesn’t want to be disturbed. How little our children sometimes need to change!
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The child is playing alone: do not interrupt
If your child is really busy on his own, don't interrupt him if possible. This applies to both older and younger children. For example, most children lie quietly in bed after waking up, playing with their hands and feet, or babbling to themselves. These moments when the child is self-sufficient are the beginning of independent play. You can even actively prolong these immersion phases by placing a rattle or stuffed animal in the bed shortly before he wakes up. Or attach a mobile above the crib.
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