Unfortunately, even the closest people are not immune from conflict situations. Often, parents and their growing or already adult children complain about misunderstandings with each other, and if this problem is not resolved in a timely manner, it can lead to serious consequences.
I constantly quarrel with my parents, why does this happen?
Quarrels between parents and children, alas, are not a rare occurrence. Some families manage to smooth out rough edges and avoid arguments, but in many cases misunderstanding is inevitable. There can be many reasons for such a development of the situation, and often the matter comes down simply to a difference in interests, due to a significant difference in age.
Probably, your quarrels with your parents occur because it seems to you that they do not understand you at all and “live in a different time.” Be that as it may, it is important to understand that you should still treat your parents with respect, even if you do not agree with their opinion - this is what well-mannered and worthy young men and women do. Cases when a mother or father wishes harm to their child are practically excluded - no matter what they advise, most likely it comes from good intentions. That is why, first of all, focus on what your parents want for you to feel better, and then think about everything else.
We are often very harsh with our parents, and we realize that we are wrong only many years later. If you don’t want to live with regrets, then learn self-control - this is important not only when communicating with relatives.
If you think that you understand more about something than your parents, then this is an even greater reason to show leniency towards them. Be kind to them, even if right now you don't think they deserve it.
Important steps in resolving conflict
Very often, after a scandal, children wonder what to do if they had a big fight with their mother. There are also situations when parents are looking for an answer to the question: how to make peace with an adult daughter or son. To successfully resolve a conflict, you need to go through several stages:
You need to accept the fact that a quarrel occurred, and its participants have the right to be angry and offended at each other.- Usually, during quarrels, strong feelings arise that interfere with rational thinking and sober assessment of the situation. The colors deepen, it seems that the cause of the quarrel is insoluble, and the relationship is ruined forever, the only way out is to scold each other, making it even more painful. In fact, it is emotions and adrenaline that speak. In such a situation, explaining or proving something is a waste of time. Both participants in the quarrel need time for emotions to subside and an opportunity to think. This does not mean that you need to avoid the problem, it means that you need to calm down, cool down and abstract yourself from the situation for a while.
- When parent and daughter find themselves far from each other, it’s time to think about the reasons for the quarrel. Initially, you need to give the opportunity to get angry: kick a ball, a pillow, draw, do physical exercises, do cleaning - all of the above actions will help relieve unnecessary tension.
- After the anger has subsided, you can turn to rational thought: take the side of the parent or child, assess the degree of significance of the conflict, and possible ways to solve the problem. Think about the real reason why you had a fight. Understand that the other person now also feels bad, hurt and sad about what is happening.
- After complete relaxation and analysis of the situation, the person is ready to talk. You should explain your position, giving arguments and arguments. If your opponent still thinks emotionally, you need to give him the necessary time to calm down.
It is also not wrong to think that you need to make peace immediately, that it is the one who values the relationship who first asks for forgiveness. And they do this not only out of great love, but also in order to understand the reasons for the quarrel and come to a consensus where the interests of neither party will be infringed. Also in such a situation, the behavior of loved ones is structured, for example: a son, father, grandmother - in order to reconcile the warring parties, they need to be allowed to calm down, given the opportunity to speak out and find out the reason.
This behavior will not correct the current state of affairs, but will delay the outburst of negative emotions in another case, with even greater force. To avoid questions about what to do if you quarrel with your mother, or how to make peace with your daughter, you need to learn how to quarrel “correctly.” In any quarrel, it is important to take timely measures to correct the situation, but after achieving your own peace of mind.
What to do if you quarrel with your mother
Think about the situation
Think about why the situation turned into a conflict. Also think about whether you could have prevented such a development of events or whether it was completely out of your control. Before getting angry with your mother, assess the situation from several angles. Put yourself in your mother's shoes: how would you feel if you were in your mother's position in this situation?
Don't make excuses
Of course, it may be that you are not at all to blame for this conflict, but do not rush to look for excuses for yourself. In practice, it is very difficult to find a situation where only one participant is to blame for a quarrel. Having carefully thought about what happened, you, of course, will understand that its outcome is also your fault, and perhaps even to a greater extent.
Be more tolerant
Usually, after a conflict, people who love each other begin to reproach themselves and think about how this situation could have been prevented. Surely, it’s not easy for your mother now, and she is worried not only about the cause of the quarrel, but also about its very fact. Invite your mother to calmly discuss the situation. First of all, do not try to impose your opinion, but listen carefully to all her arguments. Even if your mother’s words seem absurd or unfair to you, control yourself. After calmly listening to her position, convey yours just as calmly. If your mother gets angry or interrupts, tell her that you want to talk to her when she is ready to listen to you without unnecessary emotions.
Be more proactive
To soften the situation, you do not need to show your resentment and do not help your mother in any way if you are in a quarrel. Respond to her calls for help, and take the initiative in household chores yourself.
What to do if you can’t find a common language?
Coming to an understanding with parents is sometimes very difficult, but you should not give up trying to be heard and understood.
Correct behavior will help reduce conflicts to a minimum, which will be beneficial for both parents and teenagers.
To do this, you need to follow a few tips:
- Focus on what you can influence. Don’t blame your mother, it’s better to think about what ways you can try to achieve peace in the family. Most often, a quarrel begins not because of specific parental words, but because of how the child reacts to these words. If you discuss any situation calmly, you may not lead to a quarrel.
- Learn to listen to what they say to you, including criticism. Make it clear that you are willing to accept another point of view. In this case, mom will do the same.
- Remember that you and your parents are always one team. Even if they say mean things, it's because they want the best for you. Imagine controversial situations like a game of tennis, only the ball is stubbornness and unwillingness to agree with the opinion of another: the more you hit this ball, the longer the game will drag on.
- Put yourself in the shoes of a mom or dad, imagine that you are solving a problem with your children.
- Know how to show obedience, develop a calm tone with which you will express your disagreement. It is possible that in some situations it is easier to make concessions than to complicate them by demonstrating your stubbornness, which will not lead to positive changes.
- Prove to your mom that you are an adult with logical thinking. For example, if you make a promise, be sure to keep it and do not neglect your responsibilities - this applies not only to household chores, but also to studies.
How to make peace with your mother
After a strong quarrel, lies or bad deeds
Choose a suitable place for reconciliation. Of course, there should be no third parties present. Since the quarrel occurred between the two of you, you shouldn’t involve other people in solving the problem. An exception may be other close relatives who are also somehow hurt by your behavior.
Decide on the “right” time. Nothing should distract you or your mother from the conversation. Also pay attention to the mother’s mood - she should not be tired, irritated or in a hurry to get somewhere. In general, take care of the ideal conditions for conversation.
Start with an apology, then move on to explaining your actions. Of course, your apology should not look like a favor or condescension. Mom probably wants to hear sincere repentance and regret in your voice - she is unlikely to be satisfied with a formal apology.
If I'm to blame
If you realize your guilt, then this is already half the battle. Now it is important to convey to your mother that you really understand that you were wrong, and at the same time you are very sorry for what happened.
Explain to your mom what exactly prompted you to do this or that way, and what you intend to do if the situation develops in a similar way again.
Show not only in words that you were wrong, but also in deeds. Of course, this is not about trying to “appease” your mother with gifts - this is unlikely to help. Try to be more attentive to her, spend more time with her. Don’t forget to help your mother, to show care at least in small things.
Ask your mother directly how you can correct the situation and make amends to her. Surely, she will tell you what offended her the most, and how you could improve the situation. If you cannot fulfill its conditions, try in a calm atmosphere to find the most advantageous compromise for both of you.
Promise that in the future you will try not to make the same mistake. Of course, it would be ideal if you actually try not to make such an oversight again.
If she's wrong
If it seems to you that your mother is wrong in the current situation, then first you need to make sure whether this opinion is not your subjective one. Put yourself mentally in her place and try to understand why she had the wrong opinion. Perhaps this is partly your fault?
By being aggressive or showing dissatisfaction, you are unlikely to be able to achieve a positive result and improve relationships. Remember that your goal should not be to try to prove that you are right - it is more important to reach agreement. Talk frankly with your mother, offer to calmly discuss the situation and share your opinions about it with each other.
How to make peace with your mother if she is offended by you?
Of course, the best way to make peace with your mother is not to quarrel with her.
However, this is not always possible. Contradictions that arise between you and your mother often lead to conflict. If you had a fight with your mother, you need to look at the situation from the outside. So to speak, evaluate it soberly. Calm down a little, sit in your room, listen to music, open the window and get distracted and watch what is happening outside the window, think about what happened and the consequences that may arise for you and for her.
Under no circumstances should the scandal reach its peak.
If you don’t even have the strength to restrain yourself, try your best not to raise your voice to your mother and it’s better to stop the conversation. This behavior of yours will greatly upset both her and you. It’s better to offer to calm down and continue the conversation a little later under the pretext that you need to calm down and collect your thoughts; this will also be useful for mom.
Let the storm of emotions subside, subside and calm down.
There is no need to run to ask for forgiveness five minutes after the scandal or accuse your mother of something again. If the scandal happened very late in the evening, it is better to talk about it the next morning, when your mother’s and your own nerves will have already calmed down. If you and your mom had a fight in the morning, wait a little and discuss it with her. Don’t leave an unpleasant aftertaste of a quarrel for the whole day. It is better to calmly sort everything out and get relief from reconciliation. If it is very difficult to start a conversation first, then write a letter or note to your mother, which will contain the main message “I am very sorry that this happened, let’s talk later and try to understand each other calmly.”
Admitting your mistakes is also an important moment in a relationship and a sign of maturity. If you learn to draw conclusions from your actions and admit your shortcomings, then it will be easier for you to find a common language with your parents and they will see in you an adult and equal member of the family. Then it will be easier to make peace with your mother.
Besides the fact that your mother is not only your parent, she is also a person, an individual with her own views and goals in life.
Her understanding of the situation may be completely different from your judgment. Let's look at a simple example. There is a chair in an empty room. It has certain characteristics: color, strength, appearance, and more. If you invite two people into this room in turn, for example, you and your mother, and ask you to name only three characteristics of the chair you saw, then each of you will name different ones.
Let's say your mother says that this chair is comfortable, antique and elegant; and you will notice that he is short, gray and decrepit. A coincidence is, of course, possible. As a rule, there is no more than one such match. This example clearly shows that each person sees everything differently. It all depends on his inner world, character, experience, upbringing and even mood.
Therefore, your mother’s advice, which you sometimes don’t like, should not be discounted. You need to take into account even the teachings, express your opinion and reach mutual agreement. Sometimes you can just listen, you don’t have to agree with everything, sometimes your mother doesn’t just demand submission, but tries to explain to you something from her experience and ideas.
Conduct an experiment, try to listen to your mother sometimes, but not comment back and argue right away. You will see that the intensity and pressure in your mother’s words will immediately begin to decrease, gradually, over and over again! Remember the law from the physics course: “The force of action is equal to the force of reaction.” This law also works in relationships, in emotional reactions. This will temporarily help reduce tension in your relationship. You will be surprised and ask, why me? Why not moms? Try it. It is sometimes more difficult for adults to admit that they are wrong, and even more so to restrain themselves, even if they demand exactly this from you.
The desire to make peace with your mother is the impulse of your soul towards unity with your loved one.
You probably understand that after your scandal, your mother is in a very bad mood, and she is also in pain. Sometimes parents take things that their children consider trivial too much to heart. Therefore, under no circumstances should we let the development of the situation take its course! This could end badly. Problems need to be solved, not avoided! Try to choose a convenient moment and talk to your mother.
It's better to start a conversation when both of you are not busy. Turn off your phone so that no one will distract you, and tell your loved one how hard it is for you because of a quarrel that happened for some reason. Offer to sort it out without nerves. Words of apology will not be superfluous if you already understand that you were wrong. Invite your mom not to quarrel anymore and try to keep her promise. This, of course, does not guarantee that there will never be quarrels again, but it can help improve the situation and, at a minimum, stimulate both of you to try not to make trouble in the future.
It’s good if reconciliation ends with some pleasant ritual, for example, a delicious dinner or tea party, shopping together or a walk, maybe you watch a comedy or KVN together. Let only the positive ending and the experience of friendship be remembered from this situation! Yes Yes! You can be friends with your mom!
How to properly apologize to your mother
Sincerely ask for forgiveness
The main thing in this matter is sincerity. Mom has lived longer than you, and most likely learned to recognize genuine and fake emotions. If you are largely or partly to blame for the argument, then, of course, your mother expects you to admit your guilt and apologize to her. Some people believe that asking for forgiveness is humiliation. Usually only strong people are able to admit their mistakes.
Write a letter or SMS with an apology
Perhaps it is difficult for you to start a conversation with your mother or the right opportunity has not yet arisen. In this situation, you need to find another way to convey your apology, and do it at least with the help of SMS or a paper letter. If a mother who is offended by you can brush off the conversation, then she will most likely still read your message, even if she does not admit it right away.
Sincere conversation
Of course, a sincere conversation will best help in this situation, but you should choose the right time for it. If you understand that now mom is clearly not in the mood for a conversation, then you should not force it. Prepare a good dinner or buy some goodies for tea and invite your mother to talk over the meal or tea.
Psychologist's advice
When you ask for an apology, it is important that you are sincere at the time. Remember that the interlocutor does not expect you to simply apologize; he often expects you to understand that you were wrong, and not just do him a favor by admitting a mistake.
It is important not to aggravate the conflict, but to resolve it, so if you see that the interlocutor is not at all in the mood for a conversation, then it is better not to impose, but to find another convenient opportunity for conversation.
How to ask your mother for forgiveness?
The best way to apologize is to open your heart to your mother and repent. Every mother, even a very offended and angry one, loves her child deep down. The reluctance to forgive in most cases is caused by the desire to teach a lesson, to make them realize their mistake and reconsider their behavior.
In order for your mother to forgive, you need to not only apologize, but also explain what made you commit the offense. Even if these are not entirely pure thoughts and intentions, the main thing for the mother is that you were able to recognize them. Learn this lesson and try not to repeat the mistake again. Ask your mother for advice on how she thinks she can prevent such situations and conflicts. This will help you get closer and restore trust.
How to calm your mother when she swears and cries
Talk to her calmly
If your mother has come to tears, then you probably understand that she is really very upset and it is not easy for her to cope with the situation emotionally. Answering her in a similar tone is unlikely to improve the situation. Answer calmly, but this calmness should be sympathetic, but not indifferent or distant. Perhaps mom needs to speak out - don’t try to interrupt her. However, during pauses, choose the most necessary words that suit the situation.
Hug, kiss
However, more often than not, upset mothers need more than just words, but to improve their relationship with their child. She is unlikely to pull away if you hug or kiss her in a moment of emotional weakness. However, even if this happens, and she brushes aside your expressions of tenderness, do not even doubt that her soul will become much easier, and with your gesture you will only improve the situation.
Say that you appreciate and love him very much
It is important for a mother to hear words of love from her child - such confessions are never superfluous! It often seems to parents that their children do not appreciate all the sacrifices they make for their children, or do not even notice them. Perhaps there is also such a problem in your relationship with your mother? Tell your mom that you see how much she does for you and really appreciate her efforts.
Why do quarrels arise with your mother?
Regardless of upbringing, age, or religious beliefs, many people come into conflict with their parents. And the main mistake in this matter, which almost all adults make, is to assume that the child’s opinion is always wrong. In families where the issue of misunderstanding between generations remains unresolved, withdrawn children grow up. What is the reason for constant quarrels with your mother?
- Often representatives of the younger generation believe that they are already old enough to lead an independent and independent life.
- Parents continue to support their child and do not want to accept the fact that he has already grown up and has the right to his own opinion.
- Many conflict situations arise due to domestic unsettlement and the reluctance of children to help with routine household chores.
- The child’s reluctance to study and strive to get a good education.
Even if the child has become an adult and an independent person, it is very difficult for the mother to accept this. She continues to decide for you how to dress and what to eat, what hobbies to choose, what sports to play, what profession to choose and much more. Trying to prove to parents that their requirements have long changed with life experience is always difficult, because of this, quarrels with mom arise. However, it is always worth making an attempt to avoid them.
Appease mom or beautiful forgive
Write a poem (your own or one you can find on the Internet)
Of course, most mothers are very sensitive to signs of attention from their children. If you need to apologize to your mother, then you are unlikely to seriously correct the situation with poems - first, it is advisable to talk frankly and admit your mistakes. But a poem for a “fixing effect” can be very effective. If you are a creative person, then perhaps it will not be difficult for you to write your own poem for your mother. Is this mission still too much for you? Then you can choose a suitable verse with an apology on the Internet.
Give a bouquet of flowers
Many women love flowers, and your mother is probably no exception. Surely, even a small bouquet of her favorite flowers will cheer her up. If it is customary in your house to care for perennial plants, then perhaps she will be even more delighted to have a flower in a pot. Most likely, you know your mother's tastes, and you can choose a bouquet to suit her taste.
Invite you to a cozy coffee shop for a conversation
Perhaps you and your mother periodically visit your favorite coffee shop? In this case, this establishment may be a great place for reconciliation! However, if you usually don’t go to a cafe with your mother, then there is a good reason to change this.
Make a collage of your photos together
Of course, your mother will be glad to receive your attention, and a collage with joint or personal photographs may be quite appropriate. Such a step may not be regarded as the main apology, but the collage may well become the “finishing touch”. Choose your mom's favorite photos - it's possible that she forgot about many of them, and she will be pleased to relive the memories.
Have an interesting time together
Many parents believe that grown-up children are very immersed in their own personal lives and practically do not devote time to their family. Admit it, this is often what happens. You can always fix this by spending time with your mother. You can do this in different ways - go to the cinema, watch a good movie at home, cook a delicious dish together and much more!
Is it possible not to quarrel with your mother, but to live in peace and harmony?
If you want to live in peace and harmony with your mother, then you can achieve this, even if she has a grumpy character. However, this circumstance is rarely the main cause of quarrels - more often mothers and daughters quarrel due to simple misunderstandings. Suggest to your mother not to swear, but to try to find a compromise in any controversial situations. At the same time, it is important to move from words to action, and not to “pull the blanket over yourself” in the event of a conflict, but to try to resolve the difficulties that have arisen. Well, and most importantly, you need to be more tolerant and remain calm if you understand that you are being unfairly accused. Most likely, your mother will appreciate your reaction and will listen to you just as calmly. If you realize that you are truly at fault, do not use the rule that the best defense is attack - have the courage to admit your mistakes.
Advice from experienced psychologists
If you say a lot of unpleasant words to your mother during a conflict, then it will be very difficult to resolve the situation later. You will have to accept your guilt and take action.
READ How to apologize to a guy and get forgiveness
Advice from psychologists on how to better improve relationships with your mother:
- Sincerely apologize for your words and misdeeds. It is advisable to do this some time after the quarrel. The heated situation will not allow you to sincerely express regret about what happened, as well as convince your mother that you have really rethought everything and are ready to listen to her complaints. Keep yourself in control while listening to criticism again. Do not raise your voice to your mother to avoid new showdowns.
- During the apology, it is important to have non-verbal contact with the mother. When you say words of repentance, look into the eyes. As soon as your mother forgives you, give her a big hug. Physical contact is the main element of ending a quarrel. Even if the mother is angry or offended, she will not push her child away.
- In the final part of the dialogue, say that you know how much your mother loves you. Let her know that you appreciate her care and will love her under any circumstances.
In the future, celebrate the end of the conflict by going to the movies, visiting a cafe, or simply having a family celebration at home. You can also give your mother a gift or write a poem for her.
With constant care for each other, the desire to quarrel disappears, and minor problems and misdeeds begin to be perceived in a completely new way. You can prevent the start of a conflict, even if your mother has a grumpy character. It is enough, even at the beginning of a quarrel, to offer a compromise that will be beneficial to both parties. It is also important to listen to criticism silently and not to use the rule that says that attack is the best emotional defense. Know how to admit your mistakes and ask for forgiveness for them.
