Why is he leaving?
His surrender from the battlefield is a clumsy attempt to avoid conflict. Probably, as a child, he did not learn to defend his opinion, put forward his own arguments, or admit that he was wrong. He continues to adhere to the principle “I don’t see, it means it doesn’t exist.”
He does not want to understand that the conflict will end only when both sides come to a compromise. And it turns out that he won’t have to make any decisions, and then you cool down, the conflict seems to end on its own.
In this case, the reason that led to the scandal will not disappear anywhere. It will come up in conversations again and again, leading again to a quarrel. And each time the intensity of passions and emotions will intensify until the relationship breaks off.
Harsh methods of correction: revenge
Have you talked to a man, made a scandal or thrown a tantrum, but it still doesn’t affect him? Teach him a lesson. If he didn’t pick up the phone, also stay late at work for a couple of hours and ignore his calls. But here male jealousy can manifest itself. When he did this, it was natural for him, but for you it’s just ugly behavior. But still, this method can be successful if the man understands what is causing your behavior.
His parents can also influence the husband, who sometimes does not spend the night at home, if they have control over their adult child.
A simple heart-to-heart conversation can help to correct the situation. First let the man speak out, and then talk about what happened to you when your loved one did not spend the night at home.
Don't let men get away with "truancy" at night. Depending on your temperament, you can create a scandal and hysteria; crying, screaming and impulsive expression of emotions will help. But we still do not recommend influencing the situation in this way. A simple heart-to-heart conversation will put everything in order better than any scandal.
Where does a husband go after a quarrel?
When a husband leaves home after a quarrel, it is important for the wife to understand where he went. It's one thing if you go to your mother. She will always listen to him, support him, they will discuss you together and decide that you are categorically wrong. In this case, his infantilism will progress. After all, he is pleased with the support of a loved one and is satisfied that he does not need to do anything.
The second place where a husband can go after a quarrel with his wife is his mistress’s apartment. Unlike his wife, she will always be sweet and gentle, she is satisfied with everything about him, she does not create scenes or hysterics. Therefore, it is always easy and pleasant with her, he is drawn there. And at such moments, the mistress will actively turn the husband against his wife, emphasizing in every possible way that she is completely different, loves and appreciates him, accepts him for who he is.
The husband can also go to a friend. But this is not an option that can be used often. Even if his friend does not have his own family, he can quickly get tired of such intrusions. When a guest is in the house, the owner is somehow obliged to be hospitable, even sacrificing his own comfort.
Or the husband may have his own shelter. For example, a garage. There he will be able to cool down and think about all the circumstances that led to the quarrel. In this case, a calm environment will have a beneficial effect on him. Having calmed down a little, he will be able to quickly finish even the most unpleasant conversation with his wife.
My husband constantly leaves home
Hello.
The child is 1.8 months old. I'm 28, my husband is 36. Civil marriage - one year, plus married - 2 years. We quarrel often. It has always been this way. The first year took several hours. once a night. I wrote, called, returned, but never in the evening, always the next morning. With the birth everything got worse. I can’t take a sedative to let go of insults during quarrels because I’m breastfeeding. Then it happened that he left for a couple of days. Lived in a hotel. I returned it. Since January of this year, he left completely packing his things 3 times for 2-3 weeks, lives with his parents so as not to spend money on rent (as he says), returned it, said that he would not leave again. The first time (2 weeks) I took out a loan of 300 thousand rubles. and bought a car. The second one, a week later, he moved out from his parents, rented a room, took out a loan of 100 thousand and we put 100 thousand on the card and spent it all, as he says, on clubs, restaurants, gasoline. At the same time, it’s absolutely not a club, I only wanted to go there once during my life together. This is despite the fact that 100 thousand were put aside for the down payment on the mortgage. Now, with a salary of 50 thousand, we pay 23 for the apartment, 12 for loans, and live on the rest. He says he didn't cheat. I used to get paid 10 maternity leave. now nothing. In the fall I go to work because he doesn’t have enough money. I never have sex once or twice (just since January) a month, but he says that after quarrels he doesn’t want to. I ask: do you want me? It says that on the contrary, I really want it. But things are still there. We fight about everything. The initiators of the quarrel are both. We are both not shy in our expressions, but I never remember this to him, and he always remembers and says that this is the reason for his departure and call it an act “on emotions.” That I’m not a person, he asks. During care, he never calls, doesn’t write, doesn’t ask how the child is doing, maybe what he needs. Now he's gone again. Almost 3 weeks. Yesterday I sent 2 emails. letters of incrimination and self-exoneration. There is no strength to respond to provocations and go through his “complete withdrawal” again next time. Question 2: 1. Is his caring for his wife and small child for 2-3 weeks justified and is this normal, adequate behavior in response to quarrels (that is, can this really offend so much or is this a psychological problem that needs to be solved). Is this commensurate: the insult from the words spoken and such a long departure from his wife and small child, when we need him and his help. 2. Is it possible that by what actions (denial of the need and desire for marriage, indifference) can this series be interrupted, or will this always continue? In the sense that he changed for the worse: before marriage he did not abandon us (then me). In his previous marriage (10 years) he never (according to him) left. That is, he developed this habit recently and only with me. www.all-psy.com
In what cases is it really better to leave home after a quarrel?
Unfortunately, it happens that spouses lose control of themselves during a scandal. Any arguments are used, you want to hurt your interlocutor more strongly, break a plate over his head, or better yet, an entire set. And then say something that will crush him mentally. And then there will be no turning back. The process of reconciliation will last for a long time, the wounds from cruel words will remind of what happened for a long time.
And if at that moment, when the wife reached for the plate, the husband put on his jacket and left the house, then he does not stop the conversation, but takes the pause necessary for both. Maybe he will walk around the house or go to the nearest store for something sweet for tea. Within 15 minutes, emotions will subside for both.
Every time there is a quarrel, he leaves home
Hello, Alexandra!
When family life doesn't go well, both partners are usually to blame. So in your case, there are “kinks” on both sides.
Firstly, your husband’s immature behavior and inability to take responsibility for the relationship. A child’s style of behavior is when, when offended, he “collects a bucket and a spatula and leaves the sandbox to go to mommy.” Does this remind you of anything?
Secondly, after the birth of the child, your attention switched to him, which is natural. But, your husband felt deprived, and in order to attract attention to himself, he began to dictate certain conditions aimed at satisfying his importance. “I should have served him dinner 10 minutes before he arrived.” - reminiscent of military drill, when the commander’s order is the law. This suggests that there is no ability to negotiate, to reckon with the other partner. Therefore, it is easier for him to simply leave when something is not the way he wants it than to figure it out and find a compromise. This is also a child's position.
Thirdly, the period of caring for a small child is very labor-intensive, requiring physical and emotional costs. You need to learn to take care of yourself physically, to be able to manage your time so that you can rest and recover. Only a rested woman can be a happy mother and a caring wife. Otherwise, you will constantly break down or show dissatisfaction, or perceive your husband’s statements in the wrong way.
Fourthly, now you are being tested for strength; whoever fails first will break. You want your husband to return on his own, and even repent and realize his mistakes. And your husband is waiting for you to ask him to return, then he will deign and further assert his order. But this tactic has nothing to do with feelings, with love.
Alexandra, if you both still have feelings, a desire to save the family, then contact a family psychologist together, they will help you “get out of the trenches” and establish peace. But both should want this, then it will make sense.
Sincerely,
Furkulitsa Elena Kuzminichna, psychologist Chisinau
www.all-psy.com
How to bring your husband home?
Usually, no significant effort is required from the wife to bring her husband home. He will return on his own in a few hours or days, depending on his character. But if something doesn’t go according to the traditional scenario, then we need to act. The tactics of action taken by the wife depend on where the husband has gone.
How to take your husband away from your mother
Every mother is ready to protect her child from all the dangers of this world. And even if her child is no longer a baby, she can be very attached to him. Therefore, she does not allow him to fully live his life. In her opinion, not a single woman in the world deserves to be the wife of her wonderful son.
Perhaps this is one of the most unpleasant types of mothers-in-law, but if the desire to return your husband is stronger than all the circumstances, then you need to act carefully. In this case, you need to call or meet with your husband when your mother is not around. Otherwise, she will certainly interfere in the conversation, and a new scandal will result. And again she will not allow her son to make any decision.
You need to lure your husband to neutral territory and try to start a conversation. First you need to apologize and say that you went too far in the quarrel. You don't really mean all the things you said. And ask him to come home. Because you love and miss. And it is advisable to make sure that he comes to his mother for his things in a few days, when you strengthen your influence on him.
Such relationships are like a tug of war. Moreover, this is not a relationship between a wife and her husband, but between a wife and her mother-in-law; as a rule, neither side takes the husband’s opinion into account. He is a kind of trophy for everyone: whoever he ended up with is the winner, she is a real woman.
How to take your husband from your mistress
If your husband has left for someone else, then most likely he has been cheating on you for some time. It is unlikely that he will go to someone with whom he has not had a relationship before. If you are ready to put up with the presence of another woman in your relationship, then return your husband. And if you are not ready for the fact that she will not go anywhere even after you and your husband reconcile, then you should not take any action.
It is better to return a husband from his mistress in the same way as from his mother. You need to somehow lure him to neutral territory, and without his mistress knowing about it. And start the conversation there.
When your husband returns home, you can end your conflict and find a compromise. But under no circumstances should you reproach him for having a mistress. After all, you didn’t return him so that there would be another reason for a family quarrel?
How to get your husband back from a friend?
If the husband's friend is married and has his own family, then it is unlikely that they will tolerate him for more than 2-3 days. Therefore, he will soon come home himself. Or he will go on to his mother or mistress, it depends on his character.
But if a friend is single, then he may well be granted “political asylum” for an indefinite period. Especially if both men consider alcohol the best cure for all mental anguish.
As in the cases described above, there is no point in invading their territory or luring the husband home. You need to talk to him on neutral territory, that is, in a park, on the street or in a cafe. The main advantage of such places is that no one will have additional support and strangers who will interfere in the conflict.
But you shouldn’t sort things out in public; at the very least, it’s not polite. Your goal is to ask your husband to return. At such a moment, you should not remember what caused the quarrel or what solutions you propose. The conflict must be ended where it began - at home.
How to get your husband back from his own hiding place?
Children often build huts, tree houses, or even pillow forts. They are in charge there, no one puts pressure on them, no one forces them to do what they don’t want, even if it’s right.
As children grow up, the need for this kind of shelter continues. For men, this place often becomes a garage. After all, the wife does not go there unless absolutely necessary.
Therefore, you need to give your husband time to think everything over. There, feeling protected, he will be able to comprehensively think about the cause of the conflict and then be able to propose possible solutions to it.
He can sit in his shelter for quite a long time. As a rule, unsanitary conditions and lack of comfort do not bother men. Therefore, the wife must again initiate the return. When both spouses have already calmed down and cooled down, you can call your husband straight home and prepare something tasty for his return that he likes to eat. And over a cup of tea you can calmly continue the constructive dialogue.
What to do?
It is important to note that a man makes a firm decision to leave the family only after he has completely cooled down. Moreover, it has “cooled down” in all respects. The lack of passion, intimate and spiritual intimacy, of course, makes a man think about a change of scenery. But he makes the final decision only with a cool head, and not after the next showdown.
If, after all, your husband leaves home after a quarrel completely and irrevocably, all the showdowns are over, and you know exactly the reason for his leaving, it is recommended to do the following:
Don't try to force yourself on him. Frequent calls, SMS, attempts to meet, to watch for him at work, at his parents' house or in other places will only lead to the fact that they will actively avoid you. Have self-esteem and do not humiliate yourself in front of the man who left you. Practice shows that this line of behavior is the most correct and competent. If your husband is gone and doesn't call, just stay calm and don't get hysterical.
Don’t go to fortune tellers to ask them to return your husband to the family. Even if this method works, it will not do anything good. Because a person will certainly feel that attraction is happening against his will. This will cause him internal discomfort, and, of course, you can’t even dream of the previous harmonious relationship.
How to make peace if he is to blame?
Often one of the parties to the conflict may think that the other is to blame. But this is rarely true. Usually, in any conflict, both are to blame. Therefore, any reconciliation begins with the need to calm emotions, and after that analyze the situation that caused the scandal, according to the following points:
- Is the subject of the argument really something that needs to be resolved? Sometimes one action causes irritation, and an insignificant trifle becomes the reason for a scandal;
- What exactly is the husband’s fault? This question should be answered, omitting all emotions, clearly and to the point;
- What did you do in advance to avoid a scandal? Have you already said that you are not satisfied with this or have you offered your solution?
- Why didn’t the husband hear his wife’s words? Maybe there was more emotion than meaning in what she said? What is the wife's fault?
Having analyzed the situation on these points, you can see that both are to blame, albeit to varying degrees. Therefore, it is necessary to first admit that you were wrong, and then begin the process of reconciliation.
When to start looking for a husband?
If there are any particularly frightening moments, then you need to notify everyone who could probably help you. For example, if, when leaving, your spouse showed aggression towards you, threatened you with something, or blackmailed you. Or if he took some valuable property that belonged to you.
If you feel that danger may come from this person, then “washing dirty linen in public” is possible and necessary!
Call reliable friends or your parents so that when he returns you won’t find yourself tete-a-tete with him, or spend the time yourself until you meet him outside the house - in any safe place where there is someone to stand up for you.
Even if the spouse comes with flowers and apologies, this does not always mean that an idyll has arrived - abusers skillfully alternate between anger and mercy. Sometimes demonstrative departures after family scandals become a tool for them to emotionally influence the victim wife.
Temporary separation is often good for a relationship
In general, any feeling of anxiety, insecurity and manipulative actions of your husband should be a reason to protect yourself.
Resentment
But she was even more offended by the fact that the man took a minimum of things: but she did not forbid him to take anything with him. But he left most of his clothes, all his personal photographs. He even left behind his favorite golf clubs and the collection of books that he had been collecting for so long! Rosie was offended. Was everything really so bad in their family that the husband did not want to leave himself any reminder of the past?
By installing a camera in the garden, a man changed his view of animals stealing vegetables
“New Jacobins” suspected the philosopher Immanuel Kant of political incorrectness
These balconies emanated despondency. A few plants and trinkets and a balcony is heaven.
Green remembered her friend's story. The husband left his friend when she was pregnant with her second child. What offended the woman most of all was not the fact that her husband abandoned her, but the fact that he took practically nothing with him. Then Rosie listened to her friend and did not understand why she was so upset. Well, he didn’t take it and didn’t take it, big deal. And only now she realized how offensive it is when a once loved one cuts you out of his life like that.
