Why people get divorced: good reasons for divorce

Reasons for divorce

The reasons for spouses' divorce can be different. I would like to highlight two main reasons why one of the parties turns to a specialist /psychologist/.

If one of the parties wants to save the marriage by all means, how does the other party treat this with indifference or, on the contrary, actively resist saving the marriage.
When spouses doubt whether divorce will really resolve a conflict situation in the family.

In the first case, a psychologist is unlikely to help a divorcing couple - after all, as they say, “You can’t become nice by force.” His consultations in such cases can be useful, at a minimum, in helping a person accept the real situation and supporting him in a difficult period of his life.

The second reason is when both spouses doubt their decision to divorce and are ready to reconcile and restore the relationship. In such cases, family life may experience a crisis and temporary difficulties. At the same time, the spouses understand this and are ready to make every effort to overcome it, they are ready to review and change their behavior for the benefit of the family. Unfortunately, not all couples are ready to take responsibility and continue the hard work of strengthening their relationship. Sometimes the decision to break up is the only right option.

Parting is a part of any person’s life and the most difficult period from a psychological point of view.

It is the process of actually breaking up with a partner that is a fairly common difficulty that psychologists have to work with.

Divorce is the end of a broken relationship between spouses.

Why people get divorced: eight more possible reasons

It turned out that the spouses have different views on life

The fact that newlyweds have different views on life often becomes clear only after the start of their life together. This may serve as grounds for ending the marriage. It would seem, what's so scary about that? However, if people have diametrically opposed views on rest, on work, on nutrition, this inevitably leads to the imposition of their views as a standard. If the other half is pliable and easily adapts, then there are no problems. But when two strong personalities meet, expect trouble. The only option is to come to terms with the difference in views and accept your life partner for who he is.

Moral pressure

A person by nature can be either a leader or a subordinate. And that's okay. But the basis for ending a marriage may be the manifestation of the makings of a family despot in one of the spouses. Unfortunately, this often only manifests itself after several years of marriage.

The solution to the problem may be to suppress the despot’s aggression by demonstrating to him one’s moral and spiritual strength, which allows him to defend his position. And people who have discovered signs of despotism in themselves should realize the value of existing relationships for themselves and restrain the desire to manipulate another person.

Do you respect me?

People intoxicated with love do not even think about the importance of mutual respect. Conflicts provoked by emotions often end in mutual insults. At the same time, they don’t even think that this could provoke the emergence of disrespect for each other. And without this, a normal family cannot exist.

Heightened feelings of jealousy

Jealousy is a normal feeling for humans. But in some individuals it develops to a painful state. Literally anything can serve as a reason for such people to be jealous. Over time, endless nagging and unrelenting suspicion begin to weigh down the second spouse, and the marriage happily breaks up.

Lack of sex or too much sex

People have completely different temperaments, and because for one it is the norm of life, for another it is too much. In this matter, the main thing is that both partners have a desire to reach a consensus on this difficult issue. But it is possible only when steps towards it are taken by both partners.

Stubbornness as a distinctive character trait

It is necessary to defend your point of view, no one argues with this. But when a person is not able to hear arguments proving that it is wrong, then communicating with him becomes more and more difficult. And if two equally stubborn people get together, then their divorce can be predicted with a high degree of probability.

The rhythms of life do not match

We are talking about larks and owls here. When one gets up early and does a lot of things, it seems like a chore in life, while the other, having slept until lunch, is ready to work tirelessly all night. People simply have different internal biological clocks. It is unlikely that you will be able to adjust your partner to your liking in such a situation, and therefore you need to find the hours that are optimal for both and spend them together with mutual pleasure.

Different views on raising children

Each of the spouses was brought up in their family according to the rules established there, which seemed to him the only correct ones. But there are two parents. And the upbringing of each of them could be based on completely different principles. The best option in such a situation is to take the best of both options, and build the educational process of your own child on the basis of this. After all, a divorce on this basis will not improve the lives of either parents or children.

As we can see, there are many reasons why a family can break up. But all of them do not matter if people really love each other and really want to live together. Overcoming life's adversities together only makes such couples more united and stronger.

Stages

Considering the possibility of divorce.
This is an emotional divorce, legal, financial, parental and social.
Adaptation stage.

Details:

Experts believe that divorce is a specific process that begins with each party considering the possibility of divorce and making a final decision to dissolve the marital relationship, that is, each partner begins his own independent life.

The second stage is most often longer and also has several stages. This is an emotional divorce, legal, financial, parental and social.

Remember about personal children

The end of the process is the complete independence of the partners from each other and from the family. What is common still remains (children, relatives, friends), but it no longer has the same influence as in the first stages. An important point is to achieve mutual understanding and build normal further relationships in general issues relating to children, their upbringing, participation in their lives and development, adaptation to changed realities and living conditions. Parents need to remember that in addition to their personal drama, there are also children with their unformed psyche; their decision, first of all, greatly affects the well-being and psychological well-being of the children.

Divorce goes through several stages. Experts describe them as a stage of denial, hatred, negotiation, depression, adaptation. At the stage of denial, the partner does not want to accept reality. Since a lot of effort, time, and feelings were put into building relationships, it is very difficult to come to terms with this fact. At this stage, everything is seen in a slightly different “light”. The stage of anger and hatred is a way of protecting against strong emotions and experiences.

The negotiation stage is used to win back a partner; various means can be used:

manipulations,
blackmail,
deception,
threats.

The stage of depression occurs when previous actions have not brought results and a depressed state occurs. A person understands his powerlessness, his level of self-esteem drops, a desire to be left alone arises, and trust in people is lost. This period can last a very long time and often prevents a person from regaining trust and entering into new relationships.

Relationships during divorce

Lack of guarantees that you won’t have to change the “tough for soap”

Many people live by the principle “it’s better to have something inferior, but one that belongs to you.” Often this opinion is held by women with low self-esteem, who are sure that they do not deserve better and simply do not believe that family life with another man may not be such a hell.

Social pressure also plays a big role here. You can often hear phrases from women: “everyone cheats, some just hide it well”, “everyone lives like this”, “life has always been on women”, etc.

When you constantly hear this, you involuntarily begin to believe and reassure yourself: “if everyone lives like this, then why change anything? I know what to expect from this man, but what if another turns out to be even worse?!”

But the point is that this fear is unfounded. A large number of men are able to remain faithful and divide life in half or even take on most of it, it’s just that usually women living with such husbands consider all this to be the norm, so they don’t talk on every corner about how incredibly lucky they are.

Relationships during divorce

A person's life changes dramatically after a divorce. Many questions arise:

material nature,
relationships with children,
surroundings.

All his previous habits of behavior, the structure of his life, everything is subject to reassessment and changes. A person learns to live independently, solve his problems alone, satisfy his needs, spend free time in his own company without a partner.

In cases where one of the spouses did not want a divorce and tried to save the family, severe trauma is caused to his psyche. He goes through difficult periods.

There are also several stages here. The first stage is protest, when the partner begins active actions, sometimes aggressive and thoughtless, and tries to change his behavior. Everything is aimed at avoiding divorce. However, this is generally ineffective behavior. The despair stage includes depression, when the partner realizes that he is no longer in control of the situation. Next, at the denial stage, the partner comes to the conclusion that his spouse is not suitable for him. Gradually, a person moves to the level of reconciliation with the situation and gets rid of the feeling of injustice, begins to see everything more realistically.

Relationships during divorce by period

Emotional period. Illusions are destroyed, strong feelings arise: fear, despair, aggression, manifested in attempts to control the partner, to avoid a possible divorce, and upcoming problems.
A period of reflection, despair. The stage is accompanied by severe pain, hatred, shock, and fear of loneliness. Behavior is inappropriate and contradictory. A person is trying to return to his comfortable state, get back pleasant sensations, and restore balance.
Legal stage. This paperwork, sometimes accompanied by litigation, involves more and more people in the divorce process. At the emotional level, it is also a difficult period; the parties may still experience strong emotions, depression, and alienation. The situation is aggravated by disputes, threats, and complex negotiations involving strangers and relatives. At this stage, the help of competent specialists is especially important, especially for children.
Economic divorce. Financial difficulties may arise for one of the parties, the most unprotected and dependent at that time. There is a feeling of helplessness, weakness, apathy, indifference, or aggressive actions in attempts to maintain material well-being.

Establishing agreements regarding children. The most difficult time to go through this period is for a partner who did not initiate the divorce, or with whom the children and all the worries are left with them. Most often, these are women who have to look for a livelihood, start working again, and seek help from friends and relatives.

Stressful situation for a child during divorce

Social reasons and factors provoking divorces

Social trends and processes cannot but leave their mark on the institution of the family. And although this is not a direct influence, but an indirect one, I could not ignore it. Let's figure out what factors can provoke such a huge number of divorces.

Propaganda of childlessness

The motto of modern youth is to live one day at a time and don’t worry. Everything that does not fit into this doctrine - namely, any responsibility, hard work, moral and ethical principles - is considered harmful and destructive. We see how the idle and selfish lifestyle is idealized in films, modern literature and show business.

Naturally, there is no place for children in such a picture of the world. And childless marriages break up much more often - this is a fact confirmed by statistics. The total number of divorces is 65%.

Exaggeration of the role of sex in people's lives

Sexual stimuli today lie in wait for us everywhere - on the street, on TV, on the radio, on the Internet; the only place you can hide from them is in a kindergarten or church. Particularly “progressive” sections of society constantly strive for sexual liberation, although there is no room for liberation.

Against the backdrop of such aggressive brainwashing, married people begin to feel somewhat damaged and deprived, because marriage imposes certain restrictions on male and female libido. They begin to look with envy at their single friends and come to the conclusion that they did not have time to have fun. And having escaped to the long-awaited freedom, as a rule, they bitterly regret the broken family.

Body cult

First of all, of course, women's. The deification of girlish beauty has always taken place, but today it has acquired completely grotesque forms. It’s a paradox, but it is the fair sex themselves who suffer from this state of affairs first of all.

A woman loses her external attractiveness before a man - the birth of children leaves its mark, sad as it may be. Closer to 40, she can no longer compete with young girls for the attention of the opposite sex, while the target audience of men, on the contrary, is expanding. Having reached his fifth decade, he can be a desirable gentleman for both a twenty-year-old and a fifty-year-old lady.

When young photoshopped beauties with perfect bodies look at him from Instagram pages, he begins to critically evaluate his wife. All her services to him and the years spent together fade into the background. It is at this age that men often leave their wives and demand a divorce.

Help from a psychologist

The help of a specialist during the period of divorce will be different, individual, depending on the stage of the divorce (before the divorce, during the divorce or after it), and in what state the person is.

Before a divorce, the main goal of a psychologist is to help the client find a thoughtful and balanced decision. Sometimes it is advisable to suspend legal registration for this period in order to find out the reasons for the divorce and the possibility of reuniting the partners. It is important to consider that every family goes through temporary difficulties, a crisis in relationships, and divorce is not always the best solution. Sometimes spouses do not understand all the consequences of divorce, especially for children.

Sometimes a hasty decision on divorce is influenced by public opinion, the negative influence of friends and relatives. Many ideas are presented as truths, but in fact they are not true. You can often hear that a second or third marriage is always better. If there are difficulties and problems in a marriage, then the only solution is divorce. Divorced families are already a normal phenomenon, children will easily get used to it. Divorce is better than scandals and disputes. Some parents consider only their own interests and do not take into account changes in the lives of their children. It is a common belief that your new partner will love your child as much as he loves you. All these misconceptions and false ideas can negatively influence the decision to divorce and have nothing to do with reality in the future.

Further, when the partners have made the main decision about divorce, an important point is the ability of the spouses to restrain their emotions, not to use their negative manifestations to vent grievances, but to direct all efforts to solving joint problems and the negotiation process. This is the most difficult period. Any living person experiences a storm of emotions. The strongest of them are anger and resentment. There is a desire to take revenge, to hurt, a sense of reality is lost, the behavior of many is similar to the behavior of immature teenagers. At such moments, the support of loved ones, friends, parents, specialists in the field of law and psychology is very important. If such a decision has already been made by both parties, then the role of the psychologist is to make the spouses realize the inevitability of divorce and the need for constructive dialogue to solve all the resulting problems. The main subject of disputes are issues of property, disputes about the division of everything acquired jointly in marriage, as well as issues of maintaining and raising children.

The property issue will not be resolved miraculously

It’s difficult to live together for several years and not buy anything except forks and spoons. As a rule, in addition to love, spouses are connected by a mortgage or other loans for expensive purchases. Dividing all this during a divorce is often inconvenient, it seems petty or unprofitable, but over time, the common property will only increase.

There is a nuance here - some banks try to protect themselves and, in the event of a divorce, offer spouses to repay the mortgage early. This is possible only in rare cases, so people, without a real opportunity to leave, are forced to live with each other while the loan is repaid. But if a husband and wife can afford to live separately, then it is better to take this chance and share an apartment after paying off the mortgage.

Legal issues

These include:

Property division agreement;
Determining the place of residence of minor children;
The procedure for paying alimony;
Further communication with children.

It is very important to complete all documents in a timely manner. Legal issues include official procedures regarding divorce, agreements on the division of property, determining the place of residence of children, the procedure for paying alimony and further communication with children. The best way is to pre-trial resolve all issues based on mutual agreement and taking into account the interests of the children. The main goal of parents, as responsible adults, should be to realize that children should not suffer from their decisions. All their actions should be aimed at helping children overcome this difficult period, maintain close relationships, connections with both parents, not lose a sense of security and gradually return to a normal state.

After divorce

After a divorce, the psychologist’s task is to help the spouse who has suffered from the consequences of the divorce, has received serious psychological trauma, and is unable to get out of this state without outside help. He needs moral support and professional help to achieve psychological balance, self-confidence, and satisfaction. Sometimes you have to continue to overcome negative feelings towards your partner, preventing the accumulation of negative experiences, maintaining the ability to enter into new healthy relationships. Sooner or later, adaptation to the new life occurs, all feelings pass, and the attitude towards the ex-spouse changes. Relationships improve and can even be friendly. Ideally, it is good if partners manage to remember the positive moments of their marriage, remain friends, colleagues, continue cooperation, participate in the lives of their common children and, if possible, help each other.

Unfortunately, this is a perfect model of relationships and, most often, irritation with the partner, tension in the relationship and the inability to overcome conflicts persist for a long time. Of course, cases cannot be ruled out when the parties stop contacts completely and do not maintain any relations with each other. In any case, for a long time both parties continue to experience all the consequences of the divorce, finally overcoming difficulties a year, two or three years after the separation. Then finally the emotional state stabilizes and a feeling of calm and well-being arises.

Remarriage after a negative experience

Why people get divorced: the ten most frequently cited reasons

Early marriage

Very often, people who have not yet reached adulthood are captured by their first love. They enter into marriage convinced that this will last forever. But there comes a period of growing up, and this can become a reason for divorce. The spouses come to understand that their beloved half, growing up, continues to consider him or her the same teenager, and this has a negative effect on the psyche.

Most often, this situation lasts no more than a few years and becomes a valid reason for divorce. Such a bleak ending to a relationship can only be avoided by understanding and accepting the fact that growing up occurs simultaneously in both partners. This means that your outlook on life may change, and new goals and aspirations may appear. And only mutual understanding will help save the marriage.

Desire to make a career

It often happens that for one of the spouses, and sometimes for both, personal growth in society and the growth of a personal career come to the fore. This is another reason for divorce. Relationships in the family quietly fade into the background, the interests of the partner are no longer taken into account. And this, naturally, cannot please him.

And there comes a time when, sitting at the family table, the spouses simply cannot find a common topic for conversation. That is, under one roof there are people who live two lives that do not intersect with each other. Can this be avoided? Undoubtedly.

You must leave your work at the threshold of your home, returning to it in the evening. Having the same hobbies and hobbies can also have a beneficial effect on a full-fledged family life. But if nothing works out at all, then you should start a common business, which will definitely help.

The oppression of everyday problems

Very often, the grounds for divorce are hidden in the difficulties of everyday life. No one thinks about them at the stage of meeting, courtship and proposal at the registry office. This is a very bright and joyful period, but it tends to end quickly. And before the couple there appears a gray and sometimes very unsightly shadow of everyday life. She is able to extinguish any torch of love and drown out the brightest feelings.

But this scourge can also be overcome if you rise up to fight it in a friendly and harmonious manner. There is no need to try to shift the most tedious and unpleasant part of household work onto your partner. After all, it can be divided equally, and then it will not divide, but unite. And finding common interests and hobbies also helps in this case.

addictive

When the first euphoria wears off, another problem arises, which often acts as a reason for divorce - the need to adapt to each other’s habits and accept each other’s priorities. If this does not happen, then irritability appears and hostility arises. The reason for this may even be a tube of toothpaste that is not closed due to established habit.

The main rule in such a situation is that there is no need to force anything on anyone, as this almost always provokes rejection. Habits don't happen suddenly. They develop over the years, and therefore we must fight them slowly, one step at a time. The main thing is to have the desire to overcome them without harming the relationship.

Financial questions

In today's reality, financial issues almost often play the role of grounds for ending family relationships. We consider ourselves a modern society, but even today in every man there lives a potential provider of livelihood for the family. Therefore, it is very difficult for him to come to terms with the fact that his wife’s earnings exceed his income.

However, most men never admit it. But the psychological burden of realizing one’s inferiority presses on every day. The result of this is increased irritability, the desire to find some shortcomings in your partner in order to morally suppress her. This provokes scandals, resentments, and very often separation.

The need to contain emotions

Many people tend to try to restrain their emotions for fear of offending their partner. A person doesn’t like something in the behavior or habits of his other half, but he doesn’t talk about it, digesting it all within himself. Such people can be compared to a volcano. They, like him, accumulate dissatisfaction and dissatisfaction for a long time. But at some point, conditions are created, and all this spills out on the spouse at once and this becomes the reason for divorce.

Not everyone can survive this. Therefore, it is better to speak out in front of the person. But he will speak out, not shout. And he will most likely understand and take a step forward. Practical experience suggests that to avoid a sudden eruption, it is quite enough to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk at least once a week.

Lies can destroy the strongest relationships

The cause of divorce in a family can be a simple lie. No matter how creatively a person lies, sooner or later the truth becomes clear. And with the understanding that you have been deceived for a long time by the person closest to you, not everyone is able to continue living together.

Of course, a liar is trying to justify his behavior. But “even a bad truth is better than a good lie.” And this truth was not born out of nowhere - there are centuries of human relationships behind it.

Alcohol addiction

This is one of the main reasons for divorce from a husband in modern Russian society. There is so much talk about it that we do not need to go into the details of this problem.

Use of physical force

In modern society, the old folk wisdom “hitting means loving” has lost its relevance. For this reason, the use of physical violence may well become grounds for divorce. Of course, for the sake of great love, a lot can be tolerated, but provided that this is a one-time incident, and not a continuous chain of violence that becomes a mandatory attribute of every feast.

Adultery

Cheating is perhaps the main cause of divorce. The number of people who can forgive betrayal of a loved one is small. Of course, you can try to get into his position and try to understand the reason that pushed him to this act. And after that, declare forgiveness, but a residue will remain and will sting for the rest of your life.

Remarriage

The negative experience of divorce certainly influences the decision to enter into a new marriage. For yourself, you need to figure out what contributed to, served as the basis for the previous divorce, try to identify mistakes, understand what qualities, behavior prevented mutual understanding and for what reason they find themselves in similar situations with similar people of a certain type. You should analyze your behavior, the possible influence of your parents and environment, and take into account all your weaknesses for the future.

Sometimes the reason for divorce is cooling in the relationship after some time, or different views on the process of raising children, alcohol or other addiction of a partner, violence, infidelity, often this is too short a period of acquaintance before marriage. You should analyze all aspects, see your mistakes, and consider how to behave constructively in such situations. Sometimes such a simple method can prevent you from rashly choosing a similar partner with similar problems.

At the same time, women, to a greater extent than men, believe in the ability of the new chosen one to replace their child’s natural father. It is important that the motive for entering into a new marriage is not only the need to have a full family, but also common views and principles of life.

It happens that former spouses again want to restore the relationship and live together. Then they have a lot of work to do to understand what unites them (children, common business). You should also analyze past relationships, causes of conflicts, misunderstandings in order to prevent repetition of the same mistakes, habitual behavior, and reactions.

Two types

When it comes to remarriage, the most common types are:

When a middle-aged, sometimes elderly, divorced man chooses as his companion a young, beautiful, free girl, not burdened with children, full of energy and strength. Such relationships initially bring a lot of positive emotions, but most often they are formed on the need of a man to take care of a young girl as if he were his child, receiving in return fresh emotions, a surge of new strength and inspiration. The girl, in turn, finds protection, guardianship, patronage, and care in her husband. If both parties are happy with this, then the marriage has good prospects. In cases where a young spouse changes over time, becomes socially mature, independent, and sometimes wealthy, she can leave her usual role in the relationship. He begins to try to distance himself from the excessive care of his spouse, increasingly indicating his boundaries, showing his independence, and sometimes trying to seize the leading role in the family. Problems can also be of a financial nature, when the spouse’s income level changes, he can no longer provide the chosen one’s standard of living. The age difference manifests itself in the fact that the elderly spouse is not always able to maintain the standard of living of the young active partner due to health conditions.
Marriage with a woman who already has experience in family life and children from her first marriage. Although in most cases both partners have experience of starting a family and divorce, usually in such cases the age difference is small and there are children on both sides. At the same time, both partners are not satisfied with the previous relationship and enter into a new marriage with great enthusiasm in the hope that they will be able to avoid all the mistakes. Everyone wants to hope that in this union, married life will be much better, the relationship will be more harmonious, and they will certainly not make the same mistakes. As a rule, they already have a lot of experience, become wiser, have their own formed habits, an understanding of what they want from life, family and partner.

As for children, having them from a previous marriage often significantly complicates the process of getting used to a new relationship. Both adults and children need a lot of time to adjust, adapt, accept a new position, and get to know each other. To facilitate this important process, new parents (stepfather or stepmother) should try to take a position in the life of their children that will differ from the position of the natural father or mother for the better. We must understand that they will also be compared with their biological parents. Competition is hardly possible here; there is a high probability of losing against their background, of failing.

Who initiates the divorce?

According to statistics, in Russia in the 50s of the 20th century, only 11% of couples were divorced; in the 80s, the percentage of divorces had already reached 45. The peak number of divorces occurred in the 90s, when the number of weddings was earlier than the number of divorces. Moreover, in Soviet society, the initiators of divorce were often men; currently, in 80% of cases, women file for divorce.

Previously, a woman was stopped by the fear of losing her married status. Divorce was condemned in society and people tried, no matter what, to save the family. Today, other values dominate, and often personal well-being comes before family.

However, I do not argue that it is necessary to preserve the family in every possible way when there is nothing left of it. Just imagine how many women in Russia endure domestic violence or forgive their husbands for infidelity. This doesn't even come close to family harmony. This behavior can cause enormous mental damage to both the woman and her children. In some cases, divorce is a favorable outcome.

And yet women file for divorce more often than men. What pushes them to take this step? And why do men leave less often?

Nowadays, women have become more independent from men. She strives to independently provide for herself and her family, creating a safety net in the form of a good career and material wealth. A wife is no longer just a housekeeper and mother of his children. This is a woman with her own opinion and social status. Sometimes she occupies a higher position in society than her husband.

However, this state of affairs does not protect the interests of the family, but on the contrary creates conditions for conflicts to arise. A real man by nature strives to be a leader and head of the family. And modern women often stifle these qualities in their spouses with their behavior. Trying to press harder on a sore spot or bite to the quick.

How often do you hear from women: “He’s not a man, he earns little, he can’t do anything, and he’ll never achieve anything.” At the same time, the lack of love and support from a woman leads to the manifestation of deviant behavior in men (alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, etc.).

As A.V. said Kurpatov, it is much more difficult to create unbearable conditions for a man than for a woman, so he does not go “to nowhere”, but goes straight to another. (3) Oddly enough, a man can tolerate a tense family situation for a long time. But at the same time, he will seek consolation on the side.

The most interesting thing is that even with a mistress, a man is in no hurry to leave his family. He prefers an already established way of life, especially if it suits him, than the unknown with a new chosen one.

Why do men have mistresses, read the article “12 reasons why your husband cheats. What to do? Recommendations from a psychologist."

A woman, by nature, needs a feeling of security. Therefore, guided by the instinct of self-preservation and having great social opportunities, she is quite capable of making a choice in favor of loneliness rather than enduring a tyrant or traitor husband.

However, the decision to divorce is not easy for both spouses. And the pre-divorce situation can drag on for many years.