5 stages of accepting the inevitable: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, resignation

In the face of unhappy circumstances, a person experiences corresponding emotions. In bereavement, we spend different periods of time going through each step, and each stage occurs with different levels of intensity. The five stages of loss do not necessarily occur in any particular order. We often move between stages before achieving a more relaxed acceptance of death. Many are not even given the time needed to reach this final stage of grief.

According to the American psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who observed dying patients, there are five stages of accepting the situation:

1 Negation.

A person does not accept information that he will soon pass away. He hopes that there has been a mistake or that they are talking about something else. The first reaction to the impending death, loss, or death of a loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. “This is not happening, this cannot be,” people often think. This is a normal reaction to rationalizing overwhelming emotions. It is a protective mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of loss. This is a temporary answer that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2 The person understands that this is about him and blames others for what happened. As the masking effects of abandonment and isolation begin to subside, reality and pain emerge again. We're not ready. A strong emotion is deflected from us, redirected and expressed as anger. Anger can be directed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family.

Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know that a person cannot be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent him for hurting us or for abandoning us. We feel guilty about it, we get angry, and it makes us even angrier. A doctor who diagnoses a disease and fails to cure the disease can become an easy target.

Health care professionals deal with death every day. This does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who are angry with them. Don't hesitate to ask your doctor for more time or to re-explain the details of your loved one's illness. Arrange a special meeting or ask him to call you at the end of the day. Ask for clear answers to questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand what options are available to you.

3 Bargain

. Having calmed down a little, the patients try to make a deal with doctors, fate, God, etc. That is, they are trying to delay death. A normal response to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control: if only we had sought medical help sooner; if we had listened to the opinion of another doctor; if only they were treated better. Secretly, we may make a deal with God in an attempt to delay the inevitable. It is a shakier line of defense to protect us from painful reality.

4 Depression.

Realizing that they have the time allotted by doctors to live and nothing can be done, patients despair and become depressed. They experience apathy and lose interest in life. There are two types of depression associated with grief.

First

is a reaction to the practical consequences associated with loss. This type of depression is dominated by sadness and regret. We worry about costs and funerals. We fear that in our grief we have spent less time with others who depend on us. This phase can be simplified with a simple clarification. We could use a few kind words.

Second

the type of depression is more subtle and in some ways perhaps more private. This is our quiet preparation for separation and farewell to a loved one. Sometimes we really need to be hugged.

5 Adoption.

The patient comes out of depression and resigns himself to the inevitable. He begins to take stock of his life, completes, if possible, some things, and says goodbye to loved ones. This stage is a gift that not everyone receives. Death may be sudden and unexpected, or we may never move beyond anger or denial. This phase is marked by relative calm.

People grieve in different ways. Some people hide their emotions, others experience grief more deeply and may not cry. Each person will experience emotions differently.

The above stages are also observed in less tragic situations. A person goes through these stages with any negativity, unless the strength of the experience is less. People don't necessarily go through the stages in a strict order.

The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you have to go through each stage in the exact order. Instead, it is more helpful to look at them as a guide in the grieving process, which helps you understand your condition, yourself.

In 1969, American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published her book On Death and Dying, which described five stages of grief that correspond to certain feelings people have when dealing with irreversible change. This system became known as the "Five Stages of Grief"

Denial: “This is impossible! This can't happen to me!
Anger: “Why did this happen to me?!” Who is to blame for this?!”
Bargaining, an attempt to postpone the inevitable:
“God! Help me overcome this and I promise..."
Depression:
“Why do something if the end is inevitable?”
Acceptance: “I can’t change this, but I can prepare for it. I accept this situation. I accept this world"

Dr. Kübler-Ross explained that these are normal human reactions to inevitable changes and called them “human defense mechanisms.”

. This is what we experience when we try to cope with such situations. Moreover, these same stages are characteristic not only of tragic cases, but also of any changes associated with losses (unexpected dismissal, divorce, forced relocation, loss of property, etc.)

Knowing this model can be useful for everyone in order to understand in difficult situations where a person is currently located and that these are absolutely normal reactions of all people.

In addition, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross adds in her work that an important thread that connects all stages is hope

.
This hope gives us faith that any change can have a good ending and that everything that happens to us has its own special meaning, which over time we will understand
. And that even in the most difficult moments of our lives there is opportunity for personal development and growth.

“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”
Friedrich Nietzsche, German thinker and philosopher

Of course, like any model, the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross system describes a simplified model of human emotional reactions, for which many psychologists criticize it. But the fact is that knowledge of this model can serve as a support and help a person overcome a difficult situation. It all depends on your faith and internal attitudes.

Live in such a way that when you look back at the end of your life, you don’t say: “Lord! How did I waste my life like this?”

Vladimir Kudryashov, professional coach ICF

Sign up for an introductory session!

PS Be that as it may, and no matter what happens to us, life is beautiful and amazing if you treat it that way. Change is inevitable. But every change has its logical end to give rise to the next changes.

“Everything passes... and this too shall pass”
(inscription on King Solomon's ring)

In conclusion, we invite you to make sure that even such a serious topic can be viewed with fun and humor :)

Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of someone or something important to you. During periods of grief, you may experience feelings such as sadness, loneliness, and loss of interest in life. The reasons can be very different: the death of a loved one, separation from a loved one, job loss, serious illness, and even a change of place of residence.

Everyone grieves in their own way.

But if you are aware of your emotions, take care of yourself and seek support, you can bounce back fairly quickly.

Stages of Grief

Trying to come to terms with the loss, you gradually go through several periods. Most likely, you will not be able to control this process, but try to become aware of your feelings and find out the reason for their appearance. Doctors distinguish five stages of grief.

Negation

When you first learn about a loss, the first thing that comes to mind is: “This can’t be happening.”
. You may feel shock or even numbness.

Denial is a common defense mechanism that prevents the immediate shock of loss by suppressing your emotions. Thus, we try to isolate ourselves from the facts. During this stage, there may also be a feeling that life is meaningless and nothing has value anymore. For most people experiencing grief, this stage is a temporary reaction that gets us through the first wave of pain.

Anger

When reality can no longer be denied, you face the pain of your loss. You may feel frustrated and helpless. Later these feelings transform into anger. It is usually directed at other people, higher powers, or life in general. It's also natural to be angry at a loved one who died and left you alone.

Bargaining

The normal response to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often to regain control of the situation through a series of “If only”

, For example:

If only we had sought medical help sooner...
If only we had seen a different doctor...
If only we had stayed at home...

This is an attempt to bargain. Often, people try to make a deal with God or another higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable severe pain.

Often this stage is accompanied by a heightened sense of guilt. You begin to believe that you could have done something to save your loved one.

Depression

There are two types that are associated with grief. The first is a reaction to the practical consequences of loss.

This type of depression is accompanied by sadness and regret. You worry about costs and disposal. You feel regret and guilt for spending so much time grieving instead of spending time with your living loved ones. This phase can be facilitated by the simple participation of relatives and friends. Sometimes, financial assistance and a few kind words can significantly alleviate the condition.

Second type of depression

deeper and perhaps more private: you withdraw into yourself, and prepare to part and say goodbye to your loved one.

Adoption

In the final stage of grief, you accept the reality of your loss. Nothing can be changed. Although you are still sad, you can begin to move on and get back to your daily routine.

Each person goes through these phases differently. You can move from one to the other or skip one or more steps altogether. Reminders of your loss, such as the anniversary of your death or a familiar song, can trigger the stages to repeat.

Sequence of recovery from despondency

The first sign indicating that the sufferer has begun to free himself from grief is the opportunity to speak out and share his feelings. Voicing your feelings out loud allows you to symbolically let go of these thoughts and work through the emotions associated with them.

Later, the bereaved person gains the ability to relax, let go of negative experiences and learn to manage his feelings about death. The third step is the ability to switch from thoughts about death to other, positive things that help a person move on. The fourth stage symbolizes the return of resources to their previous existence, equalization of the emotional state and the ability to live as before with their joys and troubles.

Death is an integral part of life. Its awareness brings a lot of pain and suffering to the person who had to face it. However, the experience can teach you a lot, for example, to appreciate life and its special moments, to give love to your loved ones. People who are gone forever cannot be brought back, but we must remember that life goes on.

How do you know if you've been grieving for too long?

There is no “normal” period for grieving. The process depends on a number of factors, such as character, age, beliefs and support from others.

The type of loss also matters. For example, you're likely to grieve longer and harder over the sudden death of a loved one than over, say, the end of a romantic relationship.

Over time, the sadness will subside. You will begin to feel happiness and joy, which will gradually replace sadness. After a while you will return to your daily life.

Negation

The most amusing and at the same time annoying stage is when, for every argument regarding the uselessness of Vladimir Zelensky as head of state, you receive the answer that “he needs to be given time.” For example, from April 21 to May 19, the prefix to this was “he didn’t even take office,” and later – “he has no support in parliament,” “his predecessors are hindering him,” etc.

At the same time, no one paid and is not paying attention to the fact that in those rare cases when Zelensky speaks himself, and not through heralds, real, constructive proposals are simply not heard behind the populism. All this beautiful 20 billion for infrastructure and 5-7% economic growth per year faces many obstacles, and the first is the environment of the guarantor.

This entire gathering of “servants of the people” came to power for the sake of self-affirmation and self-enrichment. Some of them will obediently press buttons when required from above, while receiving a salary and a “bonus” in an envelope. More risky personnel will look for a “part-time job”, however, we must assume that there will be few of them.

Five years ago, Ukrainians believed that Petro Poroshenko with his then capital would not rob the country. Like, there’s already enough money. Now, for some reason, the Ukrainians decided that those same “new faces” would not rob. However, trying to prove this often resembles trying to quote Nietzsche’s famous expression to an overly religious person.

Do you need professional help?

Sometimes grief doesn't go away for too long. You may not be able to accept the loss on your own. In this case, you may need professional help. Talk to your doctor if you experience any of the following:

Trouble performing daily tasks, such as work and cleaning the house
Feeling depressed
Thoughts about suicide or self-harm
Inability to stop blaming yourself

A therapist will help you become aware of your emotions. It can also teach you how to cope with difficulties and grief. If you have depression, your doctor may prescribe medications to help you feel better.

When you are experiencing severe emotional pain, it can be tempting to try to distract yourself with drugs, alcohol, food, or even work.

But be careful. These are only temporary relief and will not help you recover faster or feel better in the long run. In fact, they can lead to addiction, depression, anxiety, or even an emotional breakdown.

Try the following methods instead

Give yourself time.
Accept your feelings and know that grieving is a process that takes time.
Talk to others.
Spend time with friends and family. Don't isolate yourself from society.
Take care of yourself.
Exercise regularly, eat well, and get enough sleep to stay healthy and energized.
Get back to your hobbies.
Return to activities that bring you joy.
Join a support group.
Talk to people who are experiencing or have experienced similar feelings. This will help you not feel so lonely and helpless.

Without encountering serious disappointments and avoiding terrible losses. Not everyone can get out of a difficult stressful situation with dignity; many people experience the consequences of the death of a loved one or a difficult divorce for many years. To ease their pain, a 5-step method of accepting the inevitable was developed. Of course, it will not be able to get rid of bitterness and pain in an instant, but it allows you to realize the situation and get out of it with dignity.

Adoption

Although this is the final stage, leaders need to understand that acceptance does not necessarily mean agreement. People understand that further resistance is pointless, and they begin to evaluate the prospects: “Okay, it’s time to work. Let's think about possible options and solutions." Acceptance often comes after initial short-term results. You can see manifestations of this stage in the fact that employees:

ready to learn new things;
invest effort in making changes work;
feel involved and involve others.

To achieve results at this stage it is necessary:

strengthen and reinforce new behavior patterns;
reward for success and achievements;
develop and set new tasks.

Of course, in reality, people do not always go through all the stages sequentially. Moreover, not everyone reaches the acceptance stage. But managers and change leaders in organizations who understand these emotional dynamics have a number of advantages:

understand that resistance is normal.
realize what stage of resistance people are at and what reactions can be expected next.
are relieved to realize that their own reactions and feelings are normal and not signs of weakness.
can develop and implement appropriate actions to move through these stages quickly and efficiently.

Successful changes to you!

Emotional intelligence expert: Elena Eliseeva

A complete collection of materials in the electronic manual “Change Management. You can get a review of methods and tools for free by filling out the form.

Source: NewRealGoal.com.ua

I was lucky, it wasn’t every day that I was faced with the fact that my lack of knowledge in English put me at a dead end. Yes, there were stupid situations when a joke in English was posted in the general work chat and, while everyone was laughing, I frantically Googled the translation to understand what was so funny (English - funny, amusing).

Also, when you begin to understand the meaning of your favorite English songs, you experience terrible disappointment.

Anger

Anger is when your man yells at the hotel receptionist because he sincerely thinks that if you explain it to an English-speaking person in Russian, but LOUDLY, he will understand. And you stand in silence, because decent girls don’t scream.

Anger is when a prospective partner sends you a brief and a presentation on a product in English, and instead of being furiously creative, you start “machine translation”.

Bargain

- there is no time (I work, I work day and night, I raise a cat, I feed myself, I feed my man, sometimes I sleep and do a manicure - what kind of English is there anyway?); - I don’t know which school to choose (there are many of them, there are more of them than pigeons in the capital, each has so many reviews that if you read everything, you risk growing old without knowing what the mysterious “circumstances” means) ); — expensive (yes, I work day and night, but it’s still expensive).

Depression

And the lost time, my own laziness and reluctance to study plunged me into such melancholy that I almost gave up... But no! “I won`t give up*,” I told myself, and it began...

*I won't give up - English.

Adoption

Classes are conducted via Skype, and before each lesson a reminder comes, saying, “Dear, don’t forget!” After classes, I am now given homework, and I need to complete it in my personal account. This way, lesson time is not wasted on checking - during the lesson they either immediately praise you or explain your mistakes and help you avoid them. Comfortable.

You understand that if you still don’t know English, you are missing out on a lot. Opportunity to communicate, time and sometimes your own nerves. Unfortunately, more often than not we start doing something useful after we have gone through these notorious “five stages”, and again we regret the wasted hours. In fact, every situation can be reduced to just “acceptance”; the main thing is to tell yourself in time: “We must!”

We need to learn English, gentlemen. Necessary.

See also: Where to work and how much to earn after Python programming courses

Source: BigPicture.ru

Crisis: reaction and overcoming

Each of us may experience a stage in life when it seems that problems simply cannot be avoided. It’s good if they are all common and solvable. In this case, it is important not to give up and go towards the intended goal, but there are situations when practically nothing depends on a person - in any case, he will suffer and worry.

Psychologists call such situations a crisis and advise taking attempts to overcome it very seriously. Otherwise, its consequences will not allow a person to build a happy future and learn certain lessons from the problem.

Each person reacts to a crisis differently. It depends on inner strength, upbringing and often on social status. It is impossible to predict what an individual's reaction will be to stress and a crisis situation. It happens that at different periods of life the same person can react to stress differently. Despite the differences between people, psychologists have come up with a general formula of 5 stages of accepting the inevitable, which is equally suitable for absolutely all people. With its help, you can effectively help cope with trouble, even if you do not have the opportunity to contact a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist.

Depression

If the previous stage has a negative outcome, people will be in a state of depression, depression, uncertainty about the future and lack of energy: “Why try? It won’t lead to anything good anyway.” In this case, by depression we mean a defensive reaction, not a mental disorder.

In a company, signs of depression include:

general mood of apathy;
an increase in sick leave and absences from work;
increased staff turnover.

Tasks at this stage:

recognize existing difficulties and problems;
eliminate remaining fears, doubts and indecisiveness;
help people get out of depression, support any attempts at active action and provide positive feedback;
show employees a personal example of involvement in the change project;

First stage: denial of the situation

Denial of the inevitable is the most natural human reaction to great grief. This stage cannot be avoided; everyone who finds themselves in a difficult situation has to go through it. Most often, denial borders on shock, so a person cannot adequately assess what is happening and seeks to isolate himself from the problem.

If we are talking about seriously ill people, then at the first stage they begin to visit different clinics and undergo tests in the hope that the diagnosis is the result of an error. Many patients turn to alternative medicine or fortune tellers, trying to figure out their future. Along with denial comes fear; it almost completely subjugates a person.

In cases where stress is caused by a serious problem not related to illness, a person tries with all his might to pretend that nothing has changed in his life. He withdraws into himself and refuses to discuss the problem with anyone outside.

Psychic doubles

Freud emphasized that a person, in principle, is not inclined to give up those emotional attachments that exist in his life. Even when a person is abandoned, inside the psyche the relationship with the object of loss continues. Not just the memory of the deceased is preserved, but also the emotional reaction to his personality - in the psyche there is a double of the deceased or departed.

The unconscious of every person is fraught with a large number of different mental doubles. These are the people and objects that you have ever encountered on your life's path.

At the same time, psychoanalysts emphasize: a mental double is not a copy of a real person. This is a phantom created by the human psyche, passed through his personal experience. Creating a psychic double is comparable to painting a picture. The artist transforms reality on his canvases, and the psychic double is a reflection of the personal connection with the object of loss.

If a person goes through all the stages of grief, then the “relationship” with the psychic double moves into a calmer stage. There remains a bright memory of life together, common joyful moments. If this does not happen, anxiety and anger towards the psychic double continue to torment the person. Sometimes it languishes in dreams. The deceased or ex-spouse become frequent guests of dreams, the content of which is filled with fear, sadness, and aggression.

Read more: Thanatophobia - fear of death

Second stage: anger

After a person finally realizes his involvement in the problem, he moves to the second stage - anger. This is one of the most difficult stages of the 5 stages of accepting the inevitable; it requires a lot of strength from a person - both mental and physical.

A terminally ill person begins to take out his anger on the healthy and happy people around him. Anger can be expressed by sudden mood swings, screaming, tears and hysterics. In some cases, patients carefully hide their anger, but this requires a lot of effort from them and does not allow them to quickly overcome this stage.

Many people, when faced with trouble, begin to complain about their fate, not understanding why they have to suffer so much. It seems to them that everyone around them treats them without the necessary respect and compassion, which only intensifies the outbursts of anger.

Anger

Examples

In IT, the word “anger” is somehow not accepted. Instead, they usually use “irritation”, “anger”, “infuriates”, etc. Let's see what anger usually results in? It is no longer customary for us to hit subordinates; throwing a cell phone is also a thing of the past decade, but other manifestations are more common:

raised voice and aggressive posture
threats
throw the alarm clock far away
I saw several times how, after a small accident, drivers rushed at each other with their fists. Sometimes the cars remained completely intact and the situation was already over, but the drivers got into a fight and risked bringing the matter to a criminal charge.

Description

Anger can act as a psychological defense. A person slides into accusations, both justified and unfounded. The main position is that others are to blame. But anger is not only justification; anger is an attempt to return the situation under your control and back on track by force. Anger is focused more on fighting than on finding a compromise.

-.Who dropped the build? - this is Vasya... - Vasya, what’s going on!? - Yes, I didn’t do anything special, I just wrote a couple of lines, everything was fine there (denial) - Why then did the build crash? (a fact that gets you out of denial) - How should I know? (denial) The architecture is crooked because! (transition from denial to anger) From the very beginning, I should have written normally, and not shouted “deadline”, “deadline”!

Anger is a physiological phenomenon, accompanied by the release of very different chemicals into the blood. This gives 10 to strength, 10 to reaction, 10 to pain tolerance and -50 to intelligence. In the life of an office worker, this is exactly what you need.

Angry man

does not accept new information
become inflexible and aggressive
quickly gets tired both psychologically and physically. Not an employee, in general.

Symptoms of Anger

They are familiar to everyone: Raising the voice, clenched jaws, narrowed eyes, aggressive behavior (ignoring personal areas, clenching fists, demonstrating strength, sudden movements, a faster gait that hints at an attack, a long and persistent gaze). However, these are often obvious symptoms. A person experiencing anger may react in a seemingly cold and calm manner. At the same time, subtle movements and verbal signals of anger will give him away.

It is at this stage that it is important to understand that it is not the changes themselves that cause anger in people, but the losses that they entail: “This is unfair! No! I can't accept this!

As a result, employees at this stage can:

endlessly complaining instead of working;
fall into accusations and criticism;
be more irritated than usual, cling to little things.

In fact, openly expressed anger indicates people are engaged, and that's a good thing! This is an opportunity for managers to allow employees to let off steam from strong emotions, while at the same time examining the skepticism and doubts expressed - they may not be unfounded.

first listen to people without trying to dissuade them, acknowledge their feelings;
suggest ways to make up for the losses that employees are afraid of, for example, additional training, retraining, flexible hours, etc.;
Encourage people to focus their work energy on implementing change instead of criticizing and empty talk;
stop outright sabotage, but do not respond to aggression with aggression.

Bargaining is the third stage of accepting the inevitability

At this stage, a person comes to the conclusion that all troubles and troubles will soon disappear. He begins to actively act to return his life to its previous course. If the stress is caused by a breakup, then the bargaining stage includes attempts to negotiate with the departed partner about his return to the family. This is accompanied by constant calls, showing up at work, blackmail involving children or other significant things. Every meeting with your past ends in hysteria and tears.

In this state, many come to God. They begin to attend churches, get baptized and try to beg in the church for their health or any other successful outcome of the situation. Simultaneously with faith in God, the perception and search for signs of fate intensifies. Some suddenly become experts in omens, others bargain with higher powers, turning to psychics. Moreover, the same person often performs mutually exclusive manipulations - goes to church, to fortune-tellers and studies omens.

Sick people in the third stage begin to lose their strength and can no longer resist the disease. The course of the disease forces them to spend more time in hospitals and undergoing procedures.

Bargain

This is an attempt to postpone the inevitable. We try to “make a deal” with management or with ourselves in order to delay changes or find a way out of the situation: “If I promise to do this, will you not allow these changes in my life?” For example, an employee starts working overtime in an attempt to avoid an upcoming layoff.

Bargaining is a sign that people are already starting to look towards the future. They have not yet given up their fears, but are already looking for new opportunities and negotiating.

It is very important here:

direct people's energy in a positive direction, do not reject their ideas;
stimulate brainstorming and strategy sessions;
Help employees evaluate their careers and opportunities in new ways.

Examples

Come on, maybe you can come up with something over the weekend, and then I’ll try to get some kind of bonus?
What if this bug is not noticed in the demo, and we fix it later?
Let's add a crutch now, and after the deadline, we'll fix it.
This is partly my fault...

Description

Another psychological defense is called bargaining or negotiation. Bargaining is very different from anger and denial. When a person goes into bargaining, he, in fact, admits that the situation has happened, but at the same time the person is looking for ways (unconstructive ways) so as not to encounter the result of the situation.

Bargaining should be distinguished from an attempt to come to an agreement; in bargaining everything is exaggerated and slightly distorted. In bargaining, many things are taken to extremes. Bargaining often looks like an attempt to buy off problems. In fact, bargaining is an attempt to disguise reality without denying it. This is a mild form of deception and self-deception. Bargaining can look like an attempt to come to an agreement with higher powers (and unilaterally), it can manifest itself as an attempt to come to an agreement with a partner unilaterally (Let me do this, and you will accordingly do what you promised). You can designate the stage of negotiations as an attempt to return your self-esteem

The worst thing about bargaining is hope, hope that maybe everything will work out on its own. Because of this hope, a person makes wrong decisions, waits when it is necessary to act, and tries to shield himself at the moment when problems need to be solved.

The bargaining stage is often used by scammers. At this stage, the desire to buy off a problem makes a person very vulnerable. This also happens in IT:

In the heat of an argument, the programmer raises his voice at a colleague/lead/Scrum Master/PM or customer, makes some kind of personal attack or something else, for which he later becomes a little ashamed. So, while he is ashamed, they assign tasks to him that he does not want to do. Or they are simply pushing through their architectural solution.

Symptoms of Bargaining

Depression is the most protracted stage of the 5 stages of accepting the inevitable

Psychology recognizes that depression, which envelops people in crisis, is the most difficult to combat. At this stage, you cannot do without the help of friends and relatives, because 70% of people have suicidal thoughts, and 15% of them try to take their own lives.

Depression is accompanied by disappointment and awareness of the futility of one's efforts spent trying to solve the problem. The person is completely immersed in sadness and regret, he refuses to communicate with others and spends all his free time in bed.

The mood at the stage of depression changes several times a day, followed by a sharp rise in apathy. Psychologists consider depression to be a preparation for letting go. But, unfortunately, it is depression that many people dwell on for many years. Experiencing their misfortune again and again, they do not allow themselves to become free and start life anew. It is impossible to cope with this problem without a qualified specialist.

The process of grief

Internal processing of loss and grief absorbs all a person’s strength. Positive moments that were experienced during life turn into painful memories during grief. Like injections, these moments bring mental anguish associated with the inability to return a close relative or a departed spouse. Under this pressure, a person feels exhausted.

But the daily demands of life take their toll. You need to go to work, do cleaning, and, ultimately, perform hygiene procedures. A person understands that it is impossible to cry or stay in bed all day. He has a desire to get rid of painful emotions and move on with his life.

At the same time, part of his psyche still remains involved in grief. The revision of life together has not yet been fully completed. The soul is not ready for healing. If a person consciously switches to external affairs, there may be a feeling that he is betraying a lost loved one.

During the stage of processing grief, a person is especially vulnerable. Diseases of internal organs often worsen. There is a tendency to alcoholism and smoking, which also has a bad effect on health. That is why, in the event of bereavement, turning to a psychologist is extremely useful.

Fifth stage - accepting the inevitable

Coming to terms with the inevitable or, as they say, accepting it is necessary in order for life to sparkle with bright colors again. This is the final stage according to the Elizabeth Ross classification. But a person must go through this stage on his own; no one can help him overcome the pain and find the strength to accept everything that happened.

At the acceptance stage, sick people are already completely exhausted and are waiting for death as deliverance. They ask loved ones for forgiveness and analyze all the good things they have done in life. Most often during this period, loved ones talk about the peace that can be read on the face of the dying person. He relaxes and enjoys every minute he lives.

If the stress was caused by other tragic events, then the person must completely “get over” the situation and enter into a new life, having recovered from the consequences of the disaster. Unfortunately, it is difficult to say how long this stage should last. It is individual and cannot be controlled. Very often, humility suddenly opens up new horizons for a person, he suddenly begins to perceive life differently than before, and completely changes his environment.

In recent years, the Elizabeth Ross technique has become very popular. Reputable doctors make their own additions and changes to it, even some artists take part in refining this technique. For example, not so long ago the formula of 5 stages of accepting the inevitable according to Shnurov appeared, where the famous St. Petersburg artist in his usual manner defines all stages. Of course, all this is presented in a humorous manner and is intended for the artist’s fans. But still, we should not forget that overcoming the crisis is a serious problem that requires carefully thought-out actions for a successful solution.

When we encounter negative facts or events that concern us personally (for example, information about a serious illness, death, loss, bereavement), we react to them in a certain way.

American psychologist Kübler-Ross, based on her observations of dying patients, identified 5 stages of accepting information about death:

1 Denial

. At this stage, the person denies information about his imminent death. It seems to him that some kind of mistake occurred or that it was not said about him.

2 Anger

. At some point, a person realizes that the information about death was about him, and this is not a mistake. The stage of anger begins. The patient begins to blame the people around him for what happened (doctors, relatives, the government system)

3 Trades

. Having finished blaming, patients begin to “bargain”: they try to make a deal with fate, God, Doctors, etc. In general, they are trying to somehow delay the time of death.

4 Depression

. Having gone through the previous three stages, patients understand that death will occur within the period of time specified by the doctor. This will happen specifically to this person. Blaming others will not change things. Bargaining won't work either. The depression phase begins. Despair sets in. Lost interest in life. Apathy sets in.

5 Acceptance

. At this stage, the patient comes out of depression. He accepts the fact of imminent death. Humility sets in. A person takes stock of his life, completes unfinished business if possible, and says goodbye to loved ones.

These stages (denial, genv, bargaining, depression, acceptance) can be applied to other negative events that happen to us, only the strength with which these stages are experienced will differ.

✔ Stage No. 4. Depression

When an individual puts a lot of effort and does everything possible to achieve the results he needs, but nothing works out, he can automatically fall into a depressed state.

Depression is the fourth stage of accepting the inevitable, the essence of which is that a person falls under the influence of constant negative emotions and thoughts. There are many types of depression, so it is not always possible to determine from a person that he is in a depressed state.

While some people in a state of depression sit at home, watch TV, constantly chew something, don’t take care of themselves and don’t want to communicate with anyone, others continue to go to work, lead an active lifestyle, communicate with family, friends and colleagues, do various social responsibilities, etc.

The fourth stage of accepting the inevitable is characterized by the following symptoms: lack of appetite, insomnia, constant feeling of drowsiness or any other sleep disorder, low level of self-esteem (the person feels like a real insignificance), difficulty concentrating, lack of desire to meet, communicate and share their experiences with others people, obsessive suicidal thoughts.

If a person has at least one or two symptoms for two to three weeks, then we can safely say that such a person is in a state of depression.

Three stages of depression

Typical depression includes three stages: rejection, destruction and madness.

At the rejection stage, the depressed person does not yet realize that he is suffering from depression. Such a person thinks that he is just a little tired and exhausted. He loses his appetite, he becomes bored, and he is indifferent to what is happening around him. The level of performance of such a person is significantly reduced, as he constantly feels weakness and general malaise.

☑ At the first stage of depression, the individual has the following thoughts: “I don’t care. There is no point in trying to change something, because justice is just an ephemeral concept that has nothing in common with real life. I don't want to see or hear anyone. I feel good alone! If a person does not drive such negative thoughts away, then his depressive state will quite quickly move into the second stage.

☑ Destruction as the second stage of depression is characterized by total loneliness and manic reluctance to contact other people. The body practically stops producing happiness hormones such as serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine. The increased levels of stress that the body experiences systematically at this stage negatively affect overall health. The body and psyche begin to gradually collapse!

☑ If you do not get out of depression in time, then from the second stage it smoothly flows into the third stage , which is characterized by the fact that the person begins to go crazy in the literal sense of the word. He loses touch not only with the surrounding reality, but also with himself. Some people develop schizophrenia or bipolar personality disorder.

At the stage of madness, some people become aggressive, while others remain in a permanently apathetic and indifferent state. Aggressive people often suffer from sudden outbursts of anger, anger and rage. Apathetic people often think about committing suicide, and some make attempts to make these suicidal fantasies come true.

Some people at this stage of depression experience both apathy and aggression at the same time. Such individuals not only attempt to commit suicide, but also do everything possible to harm other members of society: throwing themselves in front of a train during rush hour, gathering a crowd of people, and then jumping from a roof, etc.

Stages of accepting information about separation

Let's look at a person who has been notified of a breakup:

Denial
. For a moment he doesn't believe what he's saying. He thinks it was a joke or he misunderstood something. He may ask again: “What? What did you say?"

Anger
. Once he realizes what is happening, he will feel angry. Most likely, you will want to throw it out somewhere, so at this stage you can hear the following phrase: “How can you do this to me, after so many years?” Or “I gave you everything, and you’re doing this to me!” Sometimes anger may be directed not at the partner, but at parents and friends. It happens that anger is directed at oneself.

Trades
. After accusations, there may be a desire to revive the relationship: “Maybe we can try to start all over again?” or “What was wrong? I'll fix it! Tell me what can I do?

Depression
. Despair and horror sets in. Loss of meaning in life. Loss of interest in life. A person experiences sadness, melancholy, loneliness. A person is pessimistic about his future.

Adoption
. The person understands and accepts what happened.

As we can see, in this example there was no talk of a fatal disease, but the stages coincided with the stages of acceptance of death identified by Kübler-Ross.

Say NO to fear. How to communicate with a cancer patient?

Cancer. Until relatively recently, this word sounded like a sentence. Since then, medical science and practice have moved far forward - in some areas so much so that in many cases people who have heard this diagnosis not only live longer, but also recover completely. However, fear is irrational and changes both the patient himself and his immediate environment. What psychological changes accompany the disease? What can and should be discussed with a cancer patient, and what should not be discussed?

Holy lie. What do the law, morality and cancer psychology say?

How are they doing?

In Western countries - particularly in the USA - this diagnosis is communicated to the patient. The doctor talks with the patient for 1-2 hours so that the latter has the opportunity to comprehend and understand the information, ask questions about his further actions, prognosis and chances of recovery.

Like we have?

During the Soviet era, when a person was diagnosed with a malignant neoplasm, non-disclosure of the real situation was generally practiced. On the one hand, it was impossible to simplify the situation so that the patient would not refuse treatment, and on the other hand, it was impossible to scare him with the diagnosis. For each patient, his own individual approach was selected in terms of communication, when he received information about the severity and seriousness of his illness, but at the same time - about its curability.

In modern Russia, this trend is being revised, however, the situation here is not “black and white.” From the point of view of the law, any person has the right to complete information about the state of his health, and there are no restrictions in terms of certain diseases. However, despite the changes that have occurred in terms of the approach to the issue of reporting or not reporting a diagnosis, there is no clear answer: the decision today is always individual. The amount of information provided to the patient and the degree of its reliability should be determined by the characteristics of the disease, the person’s attitude towards examination and medical care, the type of character and characteristics of his behavior, his life experience, gender and age.

From denial to acceptance. Stages of accepting the disease

All people are different from each other. Not only genetically, but also psychologically. No two are completely identical. But at the same time, there are reactions that are inherent in every person. In particular? reactions to stressors - including the diagnosis of a malignant tumor.

What are the stages of response to illness? According to open sources, their designation is somewhat different, but the following stages are usually distinguished:

— “Shock” stage. It is expressed by a violent emotional outburst, crying, and may be accompanied by self-recrimination (“I thought it would hurt and stop,” etc.), and a wish for death. During this period of time, critical understanding of what is happening is impossible, including if the patient’s relatives also appeal to the patient’s reason. These manifestations can also occur when the prognosis of the disease is already initially optimistic. You need to be there and wait until the emotions subside.

— Stage of denial. This is the stage of psychological protection. The patient denies the disease. He convinces himself and his surroundings that everything will pass. A person may not believe the test results or the attending physician; he visits other doctors and clinics to double-check the data. May reject treatment methods proposed by a doctor and turn to traditional medicine.

What can be done? Support the person emotionally in their belief that their health problem can be solved. However, if he does not want to be treated in principle, or with traditional methods accepted in oncology, insist on the treatment prescribed by doctors.

— Stage of anger, aggression. During this period, a person can direct his aggression at others (defense against self-accusation) and refuse to work together with a doctor. Some may see damage or a curse in the causes of their illness. Suicide attempts are possible.

What can be done? Let the person speak out, express all his grievances, indignation, fears, worries. Don't contradict or dissuade him. Try to present him with a positive picture of the future, and switch his attention and thoughts to other topics.

— Bargaining stage. A person wants to “get” more time to live. He can turn to God, try to make a “deal” with fate, some patients begin to do good deeds.

What can be done? Provide the patient with positive information. Stories about spontaneous recovery will be helpful. Hope and faith in the success of treatment is a lifeline for the patient.

— Stage of depression. The person becomes indifferent, depressed, not interested in treatment, communication, and tends to become withdrawn. Suicide attempts are possible.

What can be done? Do not persist in a harsh attempt to establish a dialogue, do not reproach them for indifference. Be persistent and gentle at the same time, do not leave the person alone for a long time. Despite external indifference, he needs an interlocutor. You can support a person indirectly: watch a movie together, listen to music, be close, even if everyone is doing their own thing, and wait for contact.

— Acceptance stage. It is characterized by a person’s reconciliation with fate. From this moment on, a person begins to live more “here and now.” In his mind, time can slow down, each moment becomes more intense and meaningful. Many people talk about the fear of death that has been present throughout their lives and has now ceased to bother them.

What can be done? Support a person’s positive emotions and help develop them. Fill his life with music, films, trips to nature, communication with friends and people close to him.

The phasing listed above is not necessarily noted in exactly this sequence. The patient may stop at some stage, may return to the previous one, and some stage may not exist at all. To a large extent, this depends on the individual characterological characteristics of a person. However, knowledge of these stages is necessary in order to correctly understand what is happening in the soul of a person faced with a serious illness, and to develop the best strategy for interacting with it.

Rules for communicating with a cancer patient

There is no single, universal way of communicating with a cancer patient. Many factors matter, including psychological characteristics, a person’s character, legal nuances in the country of his residence, a person’s religiosity or lack thereof, and a number of others.

However, when communicating with such a patient, following a number of principles may be useful:

1) Visit the sick person.

2) Listen to him. Often such patients prefer to talk more than listen.

3) Be able to hear in symbolic figures of speech the meaning of what the patient may want to convey to you.

4) Avoid mentioning in conversation the patient’s changed appearance - for example, weight lost or hair lost after chemotherapy. You can’t say phrases like “You’ve finally gotten rid of those unnecessary pounds” or “A short haircut suits you much better.”

5) The expressions “You drank (smoked, etc.), that’s why the tumor appeared”, “You shouldn’t have sunbathed so often”, etc. are inappropriate. No one will argue that there is a connection between some tumors and a number of external factors, but this connection in many cases is not absolute and can cause or intensify the patient’s already existing feeling of guilt. Thus, it is known that lung cancer sometimes occurs in people who have never smoked, and, on the contrary, does not develop in heavy smokers.

6) “You can handle it”, “Everything will be fine”, etc. are not always needed. A phrase that can help a person at first can cause a feeling of guilt as the disease progresses due to the fact that the tumor turned out to be “stronger” than him.

7) Take action. You should not wait for the patient to “let you know” that he needs something. Take the initiative: buy groceries, cook lunch, offer to clean the house, take your child to school. Some things can be done together if the patient’s condition allows: the feeling of being needed and the ability to influence events is very important.

Don't ask a person to always be cheerful and positive if he is not in the mood for fun. Instead, tell and show him that you are with him and will be there for him in any situation.

Shine on others, but don't burn out. Psychological assistance to relatives of cancer patients

There is an opinion that in order to give confidence to the patient, relatives and friends should remain calm. When this conflicts with how they actually feel, their outward composure can appear unnatural. The patient may also feel this, which may interfere with the free expression of his own emotions.

Therefore, try to remain yourself, allow yourself to talk with the patient about his worries, fears, and hopes. Let the help you offer be calm and unconditional.

Sometimes a relative's feeling of helplessness leads to psychological detachment from the patient. Some people think that cancer is contagious, which also causes a physical fear of touching the patient. Such fears are unfounded. At the same time, touch has been shown to have significant positive effects on both physiological parameters and a person's self-esteem.

A relative or friend of the patient, like the patient himself, experiences what is happening no less. Therefore, advice that can help the sick themselves will probably be largely valid for him. Communicating with your closest friends, reading books on oncopsychology, visiting a psychologist or psychotherapist will give you strength, and the pain shared with them will become less. We tend to love and attach, to experience joy and sorrow, hope and despair - as well as to act, give hope, be a conductor of faith and a source of strength. “Man is medicine to man.” And so be it.

You might also be interested in:

Breast cancer is not a death sentence!

conclusions

As a rule, when faced with negative events, we go through these stages in one form or another.
If you feel stuck in one of these stages in the process of accepting a negative event, try moving to the next stage or starting to go through these stages again. Perhaps a stage that has not been fully experienced interferes with acceptance
As you can see, the final stage is accepting the event as it is. Maybe it makes sense, when faced with life’s difficulties, to immediately strive to accept them as they are?

If the ideas in this article are close to you, then

Negation

At the initial stage of denial, people are usually afraid that changes will be negative for them personally

: “The company may need it, but I don’t need it! I have stable and familiar responsibilities.” Denial can manifest itself in the following:

people do not come to meetings dedicated to the change project under any convenient pretext;
they do not participate in discussions;
they are indifferent or demonstratively busy with routine bureaucratic duties.

What you can do at this stage:

provide as much information as possible through various communication channels about the goals and reasons for the changes;
give people time to understand the changes;
stimulate discussion and participation of people.

Depression

Maximum negativity and apathy are signs of the fourth stage. That is, in some ways all this is similar to the stage of anger, but without aggression. Simply put, an existence without goals or hopes.

It was precisely in the stage of depression that Ukrainians have been living lately, helplessly watching the dissection of the country, the outrages of the Nazis, reprisals against the unwanted and other delights of the Maidan era. A depressed society is a godsend for bureaucrats hungry for self-enrichment, so it is not surprising that instead of a bright European future, Ukrainians were given the grayness of a hopeless crisis.

Negation

At the initial stage of denial, people are usually afraid that changes will be negative for them personally

: “The company may need it, but I don’t need it! I have stable and familiar responsibilities.” Denial can manifest itself in the following:

people do not come to meetings dedicated to the change project under any convenient pretext;
they do not participate in discussions;
they are indifferent or demonstratively busy with routine bureaucratic duties.

What you can do at this stage:

provide as much information as possible through various communication channels about the goals and reasons for the changes;
give people time to understand the changes;
stimulate discussion and participation of people.

Depression

In a company, signs of depression include:

general mood of apathy;
an increase in sick leave and absences from work;
increased staff turnover.

Tasks at this stage:

recognize existing difficulties and problems;
eliminate remaining fears, doubts and indecisiveness;
help people get out of depression, support any attempts at active action and provide positive feedback;
show employees a personal example of involvement in the change project;