What is loneliness
Loneliness is the feeling of a person who suffers from a lack of communication and is isolated from others. All ages are susceptible to this feeling. For example, a 20-year-old girl may feel lonely because she cannot find her soul mate, and a 50-year-old man may feel lonely due to the loss of a loved one.
Lack of communication contributes to the development of social phobia, depression , feelings of moral emptiness, fear and anxiety. Increased anxiety in the absence of qualified help manifests itself in the form of panic attacks and other psychological personality disorders.
Types of loneliness
There are several varieties of this condition, which are divided into 3 main categories.
According to the mechanism of perception
• Diffuse. In this case, there is a loss of self. The personality completely merges with the world and society, dissolving in it. Moreover, often a person is not even able to understand that he has such a problem.
• Managed. It is considered a normal type of condition. A person does not refuse to communicate with others, but fully supports his uniqueness.
• Dissociated. This condition is characterized by processes of alienation from society. It can manifest itself as a sharp change in attitude towards people or some processes.
• Alienating. In this state, the individual is completely removed from society, as well as from its values and norms. At the same time, a person is able to realize his problem.
By personality type
Based on the subjective state of the individual:
• Passively and persistently lonely. Sadness and melancholy become constant companions. People are fully aware of their problem, but do not make any attempts to correct the situation. At the same time, they are ready not only to put up with loneliness, but also to hide it from others, pretending that everything is normal.
• Hopelessly lonely. This type includes people who do not have family, friends, or even ordinary acquaintances with whom they could communicate from time to time. They are constantly sad, feel empty inside, and suffer from a feeling of uselessness. At the same time, they tend to blame others for this.
• Occasionally lonely. This type includes those who have a fairly wide circle of friends and acquaintances, but if there are no close relationships for a short time, they begin to feel worthless and unnecessary.
Existential loneliness
It is separated into a separate category, and is otherwise called global. Everyone faces this at least once in their life, because at some moments everyone feels the differences between themselves and the rest of the world. In this case, the person experiences severe melancholy and emptiness in the soul for a short period or constantly.
Often people encounter this when they begin to reflect on the fact of the finiteness of their existence. They begin to think that no one can understand them and truly love them; they are convinced that they will always be alone.
Sad consequences
At a certain moment, the peak of this emotional pressure, the human psyche, using protective mechanisms, decided to abstract, seclude and isolate itself within itself. Such a defensive reaction occurs as a result of hypertrophy of the main instinct of all living organisms - the instinct of self-preservation.
Subsequently, at the levels of the unconscious, under the influence of any external factors, a person activates this mechanism again, forming an impenetrable dome around his life and himself, avoiding any interaction with the outside world, not letting anything through this dome. All these states of abandonment, melancholy and loneliness arise for the reason that the external threat, from which the psyche so uniquely protected the psyche in difficult moments, has gone away, but this impenetrable thick dome of isolation remains.
When others try to make contact with such a person, nothing good comes of it. This is due to the fact that his psychological defense is built in such a way that, trying to avoid some danger, he immediately abstracts himself and interrupts all contact. Over a long period of time, these processes spoil a person’s life; gradually loneliness fills all areas of his life, cutting off the path to returning to normal life.
Also watch the webinar “Melancholy, loneliness, abandonment” by Denis Burkhaev.
Causes of loneliness, melancholy and depression in women and men
Some scientists believe that the feeling of loneliness follows a person throughout his life; it’s just that some people cope with it better, and some worse. However, there are certain reasons why it appears.
The main reason is called improper upbringing, so this feeling often occurs in teenagers. It seems to them that the whole world is against them, and no one is able to understand them. You can find out how your parents' upbringing affected you as an adult using this psychological test.
This can also occur against the background of psychological illness and family discord. No less often it appears from complexes and fear of making a mistake in front of others.
Signs of a Lonely Person
In fact, it is very easy to identify a lonely person by external signs. For example, it turned out that there is a direct connection between loneliness and passion for shopping. The study lasted for 6 years, and scientists came to the conclusion that lonely people focus more on material goods than others. This comes from longing - thus, they are trying to fill the emptiness in the soul.
Often a lonely person becomes self-obsessed. During the dialogue, he interrupts his interlocutors and tries in every possible way to change the topic to a conversation about his life.
Another characteristic sign is increased aggressiveness, lack of attention and interest in others, suspiciousness, and lack of one’s own opinion. In large companies, such people are immediately visible - they feel discomfort from communication, and often sit in silence.
How to get rid of feelings of loneliness
A pet will help you get rid of inner emptiness. Thus, you can get a reliable friend who will always wait for the owner of the house and truly rejoice at his appearance. According to research, lonely people who have pets are less likely to think about suicide and are less likely to suffer from depression .
If you are constantly plagued by a feeling of loneliness, and there is no time or money to go to the doctor, then for the first time you can come up with a new hobby. You need to choose it based on your own preferences. A new hobby will give you a pleasant pastime, a lot of positive emotions and will help you take your mind off the loneliness of your soul.
Practical advice from a psychologist
Loneliness is not the easiest problem to solve. Therefore, you often have to turn to specialists for help. You should try the following methods for getting rid of melancholy and depression yourself.
- If you experience difficulties and a feeling of discomfort when communicating with other people, psychologists advise enrolling in public speaking courses. This is an important basic thing, without which it is impossible to establish contact with other people. This method is perfect for both a pensioner and a teenager who suffers from melancholy.
- You won’t be able to get rid of the feeling of loneliness right away, so you need to try to benefit from it. For example, spend your free time expanding your horizons and self-development, so that later you have something to talk about with people.
- Of course, if you stay at home and you can’t get rid of loneliness, you need to join clubs or study groups, where you will have the opportunity to find a person with similar interests. Besides, it’s easier to start dating in such a place.
- In moments of melancholy, watching videos and films, and online correspondence will greatly lift your spirits. Of course, this will not replace live communication, but it will significantly improve your mood.
- An alternative to live communication is social networks and instant messengers. Perhaps the acquaintances made there will soon develop into real relationships. Find out what 5 common mistakes women make when dating online.
- Volunteering is another great way to not only be useful to the community, but also constantly communicate.
- Remember your relatives or friends with whom you stopped communicating for some reason. Perhaps now is the time to restore relationships and forgive all old grievances.
- Frequently visit public places and events that interest you.
- Play sports. To do this, you don’t have to spend money on a fitness club. You can visit outdoor areas and communicate with like-minded people.
- Change your job or get an additional one. This way you will make new friends.
Forced social isolation plunges a person into a state of stress . We have already talked about how it affects physical and mental health. In fact, finding someone to chat with is quite easy. The main thing is that there is a desire for this.
Loneliness as a need
The need for solitude is included in the list of basic psychological needs. It manifests itself in early childhood, when children build huts, which are their zone of psychological comfort.
The modern environment is aggressive towards humans. Information flows literally from every crack. Therefore, it is not surprising that sometimes a person wants to isolate himself from everything and be alone with himself. At the same time, it does not matter what he is doing at this time. But, unfortunately, some people are embarrassed to tell their loved ones that they would like to be on their own or simply do not know how to defend their personal boundaries .
Failure to satisfy this need leads to nervous system disorders , and because of this, relatives will suffer even more.
The desire to be apart from your family does not mean a bad attitude towards them.
To have a pet
One of the most pleasant ways to get rid of feelings of loneliness and uselessness. Reviews about this method of disposal are often the most positive: by having a four-legged friend, a person thereby receives a real source of positivity in his life. Of course, this choice must be conscious. You should not get a cat or dog if you do not have the desire or financial ability to care for the animal. But if there are no such difficulties, then a four-legged friend can significantly help in getting rid of the unpleasant experiences associated with a feeling of isolation.
Thus, getting rid of loneliness implies a whole range of measures to improve both internal qualities and social and personal connections. The main thing in getting rid of loneliness is not to dwell on unpleasant experiences. By taking appropriate measures, you can soon notice how more and more pleasant people appear in your life.
Common mistakes of a lonely person
A common common mistake when living alone is staying at home all the time. People think that this will give them the opportunity to collect their thoughts and find the cause of this condition. But in fact, this only makes the problem worse. Instead, it is better to get out into nature or spend time in company.
Women
Sometimes girls, after breaking up with a loved one or getting divorced, begin to see their future husband in literally everyone they meet out of melancholy. Psychologists assure that guys easily notice such women and try to stay away from them.
Another common mistake of girls, especially young ones, is to consider all men bad. But you cannot judge everyone around you based on old experience.
Some women often remain lonely due to the habit of constantly controlling a man. They forget that after marriage he does not become the property of his wife, and also needs personal space and time. what other mistakes women make in relationships .
Men
Men are often sure that all good girls have been dating someone for a long time. But you just have to take a closer look at those around you, and it turns out that there are a lot of worthy companions around.
They also like to compare their new girlfriends with their old friends, and may directly tell the new lady that she does some things differently from her ex. You need to remember that after a divorce a new life begins, so you should not tell your new companion about the details of your past relationship.
A common male mistake is also refusing to communicate with children after a divorce. The fact that the relationship with their mother did not work out does not mean that the children do not want to communicate with their father.
Positive and negative sides of loneliness
In fact, within reasonable limits, solitude can be beneficial. For example, the modern rhythm of life can suck all the strength out of a person. In this case, it will be useful to take a few days off and isolate yourself from all problems and worries, spending time for your own pleasure.
The negative aspects include distrust of people, which develops as a result of prolonged loneliness. It develops especially often if a loved one betrays.
Loneliness can cause the development of certain diseases. Research has found that lonely people tend to overeat, overwork, and keep their emotions inside. Because of this, depression can develop, but often against the background of this problem, the protective functions of the immune system decrease, and the person begins to get sick often. How to boost immunity with food , read here.
Why are people lonely?
According to statistics, there are fewer situations when people become lonely as a result of a combination of life circumstances. Usually loneliness is a consequence of a depressive state into which a person drives himself on his own.
So, we can list several reasons why people are lonely:
- Everyone in the class had an excellent student who boasted of his knowledge and did not allow anyone to cheat. Funny comparison! But such people turn out to be those who have reached certain heights in their careers and simply consider everyone else unworthy of their communication. They are so fixated on themselves and their “magnificence” that they consider those around them to be people of a “lower order”, unable to understand their creative nature and share their brilliant judgments.
- Every person in this life knows how to do something. We help friends and relatives with renovations, look after friends' children, or walk a friend's dog when he is away. This is fine. People should help each other. This doesn't mean that someone is taking advantage of you. There is no need to start an account for good deeds. It is absolutely not necessary for a person to repay you with the same service that you provided to him. Were you able to do a good deed? Great! Forget it! The time will come and they will help you.
- Do you like to look at a person who, hunched over, walks down the street, looking at his feet with a sour expression? Why do you think that you evoke positive emotions when you walk to work, looking around and muttering under your breath? People like open people who are able to lead with positivity and friendliness. Don't be afraid of others. Who knows what is going on in their souls when they smile at you. Look at yourself from the outside and choose a different manner of behavior and communication.
We build our own happiness. The phrase is very familiar, but it is correct. That is why, to get rid of loneliness, reconsider your behavior and worldview. Does not work? Contact a specialist and they will definitely help you become happy.
How to deal with feelings of loneliness
How to deal with loneliness in 3 steps?
- First, it is worth understanding that this is just a feeling, not reality. A person's feelings change quickly.
- Secondly, you need to accept this feeling. There is no need to ignore him and try to escape.
- Thirdly, you need to change your attitude towards the whole situation as a whole. Perceive the situation not as loneliness, but as solitude and an opportunity to relax.
If refusal to communicate is a conscious choice, then there is nothing wrong with it. If a person feels uncomfortable, then an urgent need to correct the situation. Realize that there are a lot of people around us with whom we can communicate. For example, even if you live on your own, every day you see neighbors, a store clerk, a postman, a janitor, etc.
How to overcome loneliness after separation? Advice from psychologists
Centuries ago, doctors believed that a “broken heart” could be healed by travel. Of course, they were not psychologists, but modern experts agree with this “recipe”. So, how to deal with loneliness after a breakup?
A person experiencing a breakup in a relationship needs a change of scenery, new and vivid emotions. You can’t go back every day to a place where every thing reminds you of happy moments of the past.
Psychologists also advise taking a piece of paper and writing down on it both the disadvantages of breaking up and its advantages. Moreover, it’s worth recording everything, every little thing. For example, if a woman is left alone, she does not need to run home after work, stopping at the store on the way, and stand at the stove. She can visit a cinema, run into a couple of ladies' boutiques, or just take a walk. A man does not need to come up with an explanation for why he went to the pub with friends, and did not go to the dacha to dig beds.
There are many examples of the benefits of separation. Moreover, some of them can bring a smile or laughter even to a very upset person. Accordingly, you need to find the advantages and, most importantly, use them.
