Why is it so difficult to forget your “ex” spouse?
CONTENT:
At first, it may seem like the suffering will never end and it will take many years to stop thinking about it.
But time is a good doctor for healing mental wounds. After a few months, you can already feel how the wound heals and the pain recedes during memories.
And only women who are insecure try to cling to their ex-husband as their last hope.
Parting with a once loved one is always a turning point, difficult and painful process for both. Psychologists advise going through three stages that will help you forget your ex-husband and learn to live without him.
- Revision. Sadly, it is at this stage that you should completely immerse yourself in memories of the past. When going through the revision stage, you should not restrain your emotions; psychologists advise crying your heart out, remembering the first day you met, bright moments and even grievances. This phase promotes relaxation at the psycho-emotional level. But some women stay on it for too long.
- Disposal. This period is suitable for expelling memories that have a connection with your ex-spouse. You should also remove (namely remove, not throw out) from sight all things that may somehow remind you of him. Hatred will quickly pass and over time you can regret some things done in a fit of anger. Following the rules of this phase, it is important not to start spying on your ex’s social network account, not to ask mutual friends about him, and not to think about what could have happened if... You shouldn’t live in empty illusions.
- Separation. This is the most magical phase that always comes, the main thing is to wait for this very moment, when you can remember the past with absolute calm without any resentment or regrets.
Reasons not to forget:
- I don `t want. You constantly cling to your past life, trying to imagine yourself as the wife of your ex-husband, although he already lives separately. Your subconscious cannot forget it.
- You have a lot of free time. Suffering after a divorce is common, but the main thing is not to drive yourself into depression. Tell a close friend about your experiences and follow to new achievements.
- No self-confidence. You are convinced that with the separation, any chance of finding personal family happiness is lost. That you, as a defenseless creature, are not able to withstand suffering.
Five stages of experiencing adversity
Every woman, after breaking up with her beloved spouse, will have to go through five stages of experience:
- The first stage is shock and denial. Occurs in the first days after the departure of a spouse or as soon as a woman finds out that he is going to divorce her. It manifests itself in different ways - both numbness and screams. The woman experiences psychological shock and stops having normal contact with loved ones. A full life during this period is replaced by automatic actions, there is no desire to do anything, everything happens as if in a dream. Shock gives way to denial. She begins to think that her husband can still be convinced and returned to the family.
- After several days, the initial stage gives way to the second - anger and resentment. Usually they are aimed at the ex-spouse or his new chosen one, if the man filed for divorce because of his love for another woman. Sometimes anger also extends to those whom the wife may consider to be the culprits of the separation. For example, one of her relatives or friends knew that her husband was cheating on her, but did not warn her, or influenced her husband’s decision to divorce. It also seems to her that fate, higher powers, and chance are to blame for what happened.
- After the anger subsides, the third stage begins - the woman experiences a feeling of guilt. She constantly scrolls through various options in her head for what could have happened under certain other circumstances or actions. She tries to convince herself that if she had behaved differently, she would not have had to go through this situation. Experiences an irresistible desire to return to the past in order to prevent a divorce. Constantly engages in self-flagellation, blaming herself for her husband’s departure. He falls into an inadequate state and comes up with arguments that have nothing to do with reality.
- The fourth stage is accompanied by depression. The woman experiences such severe mental pain that she begins to feel it physically. Severe, prolonged depression can significantly impair mental and physiological health. This period is especially dangerous for any person. If a girl cannot get out of a depressive state for a long time, she cannot do without the help of a psychologist.
- The last stage is humility, acceptance of loss. It completes all the processes that the wife has gone through. Emotionally, she gradually calms down and is ready to accept the divorce. The pain recedes and goes away completely over time. A woman begins to live a normal life, plan her future, and develop further. The main indicator of the last stage is that she calmly accepts the divorce from her husband and maintains peace of mind after communicating or meeting with him.
Advice from a psychologist on how to stop loving a beloved man who doesn’t love
The main stages in order to forget your ex-husband
- Get rid of thoughts about him
Most likely, you attach only positive memories and blame only yourself for all negative moments, which is typical for many women. This is the main mistake after the divorce process. Better remember something bad on your husband’s part and relieve yourself of the burden of guilt, because in every divorce both parties are to blame.
2. Start a new life
This means the complete elimination of all kinds of negativity and a change in lifestyle. In such cases, psychologists recommend resorting to the fulfillment of your long-standing dream, precisely the one that was unattainable in the presence of your spouse.
For example, if you have long dreamed of visiting some exotic country, you should definitely go there. This change of scenery will quickly relieve you of depression.
3. Ask yourself how long ago you visited a beauty salon or gym?
Most likely, while taking care of your husband, you forgot about yourself. And now the time has come when you have the opportunity to spend all your money and time exclusively on yourself. Change your external image - this is a proven remedy against old stereotypes.
4. The path to new emotions
Buy a subscription to any courses or dances. The best thing to do is go to a driving school or go skydiving.
5. To forget your husband, reconsider your life
Most women do not even imagine that after a divorce they are given more opportunities than they had when married. You shouldn’t look for a new man from the first days. Feel like a real woman, let her take care of you. Relax, enjoy life and remember that suffering is not yours alone.
Stage two. Clear space of old
When you are ready (and you will definitely feel it), your hands will naturally reach out to those things that remind you of your husband. Why?...That's right! To hide, give away, throw away.
Growth implies destruction. You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs. Ayn Rand, writer
At this stage, the emotion of anger will help you. Get really angry with your husband: how could he, in general, let go, lose, break up with you, such a stunning, smart, incredible, freaky beauty. Call your friend again (no need for mom, mothers tend to groan over every little thing thrown away “what if it comes in handy”) and go all out:
- break all those cute souvenirs, vases, mugs that he once gave you;
- cut your photos together into small, small pieces;
- inspect the apartment to see if his personal belongings are left behind: collect them in bags and put them out the door;
- if finances allow, send the sleeping bed to the landfill;
- remove your husband from your friends on social networks, forbid yourself to be interested in him, his life and his new passion, forbid your friends to tell you about him.
Anger will give you the strength to get up from your knees and move on with your head held high. With each thrown away item, you will feel yourself filled with new energy, the desire to live no matter what, to show this world that you simply cannot be broken.
How to forget your ex: 5 expert tips
Revelations
In practice, psychologists advise not to hide your experiences to yourself. It is better to seek help from a qualified specialist or talk to a friend in a friendly atmosphere.
In the current situation, you cannot be alone; you need to take walks, attend cultural events, and meet with friends.
Vivid emotions
Divorce from a man will be a good reason to return to forgotten hobbies. Following your own interests will attract interest from others. You will be noticed, you will have the opportunity to bask in compliments and feel important.
Looking to the future, don't look back
Psychologists have seen in practice that many women, even those who initiated the divorce themselves, after some time begin to make efforts to return to their past relationships.
In such a situation, it is important to listen to your desires and approach them with full responsibility. Of course, in life, a sufficient number of couples have separated for a long time and come back together, living happily ever after. To make sure this is the case for you, it is important that at least six months pass after the breakup.
If after six months the desire to return your ex-spouse has not faded away, then you can try to start all over again, otherwise, the best solution would be to let go forever.
Forgive and say goodbye
To preserve your personal psycho-emotional state, you don’t need to try to sort things out with your ex-spouse after a divorce. You should not assume that pain and resentment fell only on your side; believe me, a man experiences exactly the same thing. When the final decision has been made, there is no point in starting a scandal. Also, don't say negative things about your ex-husband in the company of mutual friends. Most likely, your words will be perceived as attempts to assert yourself.
It is important to remember that by speaking in a negative form about your past life, you will willy-nilly remind yourself of it, thus plunging yourself into a stressful situation.
Forward to a new life
In certain situations, it would be useful to erase the phone number of your ex-spouse, change yours, or delete your E-mail, but this option is appropriate if there are no children together.
When you decide to enter into a new relationship, psychologists recommend not to be led by emotions, fear of loneliness, and not to consider them as a method of increasing self-esteem.
A budding relationship should begin with positive moments and bring joy to both participants, and not a feeling of unsatisfied hopelessness. That is why after the end of an old relationship, some time must pass so that you completely let go of it and do not return in the process of forming new ones.
How to start a new life
After a divorce, the hardest thing to cope with is loneliness, when there is no one else to count on and you have to solve all the problems yourself.
To understand how to forget your ex-husband, get over a breakup and cope with depression, you need to follow these tips:
- Stop analyzing past relationships. The more a woman remembers the ended relationship and looks for those to blame, the worse she will feel morally. Therefore, it is better to leave them in the past and forget them like a bad dream.
- Don't communicate with your ex. If you can’t completely eliminate him from your life, then you need to at least reduce any contact with him to a minimum.
- Change the situation. It is best to change your job and move to another city. But as an alternative, a simple home renovation with a radical rearrangement of furniture is suitable.
- Take care of yourself. All freed energy must be directed towards self-realization and improvement. Career growth, search for a new hobby, change of image. Everything a woman dreamed of during her marriage, but could not afford simply because she did not have the time and energy for it.
- Open up to new relationships. Some girls are sure that they will not be able to build a happy relationship after a divorce. But they are very wrong. On the contrary, the next attempt will be more successful due to the experience gained.
How to let go of feelings for your ex-husband and not torment yourself after a breakup?
How to kill your feelings for your ex-husband if in the morning you don’t experience the joy and taste of life, which seems to never get better again. But this cannot go on forever. The feeling of depression and depression will go away on its own in a couple of weeks.
At this stage, tears and torment are considered a natural manifestation of a psychological state, but it is not worth prolonging its duration. It is important to learn to trust your emotions in space; every evening, being alone with yourself, you should try to cry out all the negativity and fill your soul with resources for a new day.
When your ex-husband leaves for another girl, you will inevitably be overcome by a feeling of hatred. But in such a situation, it is important to realize that not a single person is anyone’s property and when he leaves for a new relationship, you should not interfere with it in any way.
Therefore, personal attitude towards oneself is of great importance. You must remember that first of all you are a woman and you must behave with dignity every time. You shouldn’t look after someone else’s life, it’s important to look after yourself and if there is no one to give your love to, give it to yourself personally.
What not to do
There is a list of things that you absolutely cannot do during a breakup, even if you are very upset:
- pursue or try to take revenge on your ex-husband - after a divorce, you should forget about his existence, and not monitor his social networks and make plans for revenge;
- begging to come back is not only useless, but also humiliating. When the moment of mental weakness passes, you will be incredibly ashamed of your behavior;
- trying to forget someone who was in the arms of another man - it still won’t help, and so you are also deceiving the other person (what if your lover falls in love with you?);
- drown out the pain with alcohol - in the morning, in addition to mental suffering, you will also experience a hangover;
- to think that you will never be happy - the light has not fallen like a wedge on your husband, and you will definitely meet a man whom you love. And the present suffering will seem stupid and strange.
Getting over a breakup with a loved one is not easy, but it is possible. Just look at divorce not as a disaster, but as a new chapter in life.
What to remember
- Give free rein to your emotions - cry, get angry, hit a pillow, tear up a photo.
- Get rid of any reminders of your ex-husband.
- Change your surroundings, go on vacation.
- Renovate your home, change your apartment.
- Start a new life with a new “I” - change your image.
- Surround yourself with interesting people, interesting acquaintances.
- Fill the void with new impressions: go to the movies, theaters, and exhibitions.
- Strengthen your character. Go in for sports, fitness.
- Don’t allow yourself to “mope.” Keep yourself busy with work, study, and hobbies.
Stage three. Fill your life with new
From the first stage to the third it can take a month, six months, a year. Don't race your horses, trying to show everyone around you what an iron rod you have inside. But don’t slow yourself down if the very next day after throwing away the sofa, you are ready to fill your world with new impressions.
Life is too short to waste it on diets, greedy men and bad moods. F. Ranevskaya, actress
How to help yourself and not fall apart after a divorce? There is a wonderful article about this that will definitely help you.
Now you are alone, and this loneliness can be scary. But think about it: from now on, you don’t need to iron trainloads of shirts, darn kilograms of socks, prepare bowls of borscht and salads. You are free, you can manage your resources and time as you want. And you don’t need to ask your husband for time off. Warn him. Apologize for unprepared dinner.
You will have a lot of time freed up, and I will tell you what to spend it on:
- Fitness. Regular training, in which you overcome your laziness and physical imperfections, will strengthen your character. You will feel like a fighter, ready for any difficulties.
- Change of image. Become a brunette (if you were a blonde), get a short haircut, update your wardrobe. Once you see the new you in the reflection, you will no longer want to regret the past. The new image works wonders and pulls the most depressed women out of depression.
- Personal care. Cosmetology, haircuts, spa, body wraps, manicure - please, pamper yourself, you deserve it. Now you don’t need to convene a family council to decide where to spend part of the family budget: on your peeling or on your husband’s new shoes. You manage your own money.
- Career. It's time to make a breakthrough. Load yourself with work, ask your boss for new challenging tasks. Do everything so that you have no time to regret the past, doubt, feel sorry for yourself.
- Self-education. Buy a stack of good books on your field at the bookstore and set a goal to read one a week. Download audiobooks and listen to them in traffic jams and queues. Sign up for courses or a second degree. Success comes to those who do not stop in their development.
Chat with your friends, share with them your fears, experiences and successes. Update your home, make repairs. Now you can paint your bedroom in those crazy pink-purple-lime tones that you liked. Buy bedding to suit your taste and get a dog of the breed that you like. No one else can tell you or advise you; you are the master of your life.
The best cure for despondency is a change of environment. Go on a trip for a month. Or change your area (city, country) of residence.
Want more valuable advice on how to survive a divorce? Watch this video from the famous practical psychologist Nadezhda Mayer:
