“I don’t want to get married!”: what is actually hidden behind these words - love of freedom or complexes?

“I don’t want to get married and have children,” that’s what girls who prefer freedom say. But the line between peace and melancholy is so thin that these two sensations can endlessly balance, replacing each other. A woman comes up with many reasons to justify her independence. And this is her sincere idea of ​​happiness. But there comes a time when loneliness becomes unbearable, and thoughts about family and children become frequent guests in the mind of the fair sex.

The power of equality

Some women say: “I don’t want to get married and have children, and this is normal in my idea of ​​happiness.” It is difficult to disagree with them, since every person has the right to build his life the way he wants. A century has already passed since equality between the sexes became a common way of life. So why can men afford to remain single into old age, while women are prohibited from doing so? There are no arguments to refute this point of view if a woman constantly feels comfortable. But if even the slightest doubt arises in her soul that she is right, there is reason to think about her future and reconsider her views on life.

Why I don’t want to get married and who is using whom. Psychotherapist answers questions

Suspicions that I will be used. It seems to me that all women, regardless of social status, age and religion, suspect that they are being used. As, indeed, are men. In fact, the idea that women only want money from men, and men only want sex from women, is not always true. Men also need money sometimes (laughs).

There are actually two approaches to this situation. The first is that all our fears are based on our suppressed desires. This is a difficult thought. Because people say that no, this cannot happen and can never happen. But take my word for it, what we are afraid of, in fact, deep down in our souls we want. This may be a crude example, but let’s take the fear of becoming disabled. Yes, it’s terrible and scary, but every disabled person has the right to outside care. Even if it’s a hospital nurse who brings you a cup of tea or changes your underwear.

So you're saying that what Maria really wants is to be used?

It may very well be. I am not saying this, since there is very little information, but it seems to me that it is worth studying the situation from this angle. What will happen if they actually use it? What good can she get from this? The first fantasy that comes to mind is that it has nothing to do with the real situation, if he is used, it means he is recognized as important, has resources, is respected and placed on some kind of pedestal. There may also be some secondary benefits for which a person agrees to be used.

The second angle for Maria is to look at how she uses the men in her life. It is possible that this situation is absolutely mirror and we are dealing with a projection. When a person cannot see his own manipulations with other people, but he subtly feels the same manipulations in relation to himself. Who is using whom is perhaps another big question. Basically we all use each other. And it’s okay if you get something valuable in return. Well, for example, you come to the market and buy a fur coat. You worked in the mine for a month, got money and are giving money for this fur coat. You can say that the one who sewed the fur coat is using you. But if you are happy with the fur coat, happy with the purchase, and proud that your wife is wearing it, then you don’t feel like you were taken advantage of. It’s another thing, if you’re a fur coat, you gave the money to the seller, a week later the fur coat fell apart, then immediately there arises indignation, anger and the feeling that you were used one-sidedly.

The question is what Maria can get in return for using her resource. If this man carries her in his arms until he is very old, then maybe that’s good. And if he gets a stamp in his passport and then files for divorce in order to divide the property, then, of course, he must run away from such a relationship. But to see such things, you need at least a mirror. One of the functions of a psychotherapist is to be such an unbiased mirror. So that you can study yourself and the different facets of your fears.

The main motives that encourage a woman to be lonely

When a woman declares: “I don’t want to get married and have children,” she has strong evidence for this for herself and those around her. There are several main reasons why a girl avoids serious relationships:

• reluctance to infringe on one’s personal interests;
• career and position in society are prioritized over family;
• material independence.

All these aspects far exceed family well-being in the girl’s eyes. Very often, representatives of the fair sex make such conclusions after serious relationships with men. By comparing life before and after them, a woman becomes even more confident in her positions.

Reasons why a girl prefers to remain single

“I don’t want to get married and have children,” say women who have good reasons for this. This conclusion can be reached based on the following circumstances:

• Career. Many representatives of the fair sex devote their entire lives to their careers and do not want to sacrifice it under any circumstances.
• Expectation. Many girls are so obsessed with the dream of meeting their ideal man that they are not ready to deviate from their principles even after decades of searching.
• Complexes. This is an attitude in which a girl deliberately dooms herself to an unhappy family life (they won’t be able to truly love me, they will deceive me, they will betray me).
• Rebellion. Girls do not want to obey anyone or make compromises; they ignore all the arguments and arguments of friends and relatives.
• Divorce. Women who have passed this stage and do not allow a similar situation to happen again.
• Freedom. These women associate marriage with a prison that will deprive them of their freedom of action.
• Fear. Some ladies are afraid that after registering a relationship, the intensity of feelings will disappear and the romance will disappear, but they do not agree to everyday life.
• Pedophobia. This is a fear of babies, during which the figure deteriorates, and after birth the opportunity to pay enough attention to one’s appearance disappears.
• Victim. This is a category of ladies who are used to living for the sake of others. They raise brothers and sisters, nephews, children of friends and devote their entire lives to them, forgetting about personal happiness.

Psychologists explained why Russian women are no longer in a hurry to get married

The average age of brides in Russia has increased by eight years. If just a few years ago Russian women most often got married at 18-24, today the age limit has risen to 25-34 years, reports Rosstat. Moreover, the number of women who go to the registry office for the first time after 35 years or remain single and raise children on their own is growing. Why Russian women are no longer in a hurry to get married, and sometimes even avoid serious relationships, psychologists explained to a MIR 24 correspondent. First of all, women in Russia have become less and less interested in the expectations of society. In Soviet times, representatives of the fairer sex were afraid that their single status would not allow them to successfully settle into society and move up the career ladder. In addition, there was a certain taboo on sexual relations before marriage. Now this is no longer the case, experts are sure.

“Aging” of brides is a natural trend. Our parents were more dependent on society's expectations. The echo of Soviet times and the fear of being thrown out of society if you did not follow its rules was strong. For men, marriage was often the only way to have sex. For women, the status of wife and mother was a natural continuation of their “career,” says psychologist Ekaterina Yavits.

“Modern couples are more free. They live in times of abundance, accessible information, quality medicine and, ultimately, feminism. As children, many of them were caught up in the period of shortages in the 90s. And this only strengthened the desire to build a different life. They want self-realization, to know themselves and make an informed choice of a partner. Women are increasingly limiting their potential solely to childbearing. And therefore they are not in a hurry to get married: it turns out that they have something to do in life besides realizing themselves as a wife and mother,” says the psychologist. Girls want to get an education, build a career and “try themselves” in different fields. In addition, women are no longer afraid that after 40-50 years they will look bad and will not be able to find a partner. “Today, a pregnant 25-year-old woman is not considered old-timer. Women aged 30-50 look much better than their predecessors, and accordingly enjoy male attention: which means they can start families at a conscious age, choosing a more suitable partner. Girls from 18 to 25 want to “try themselves” in different fields. Their interests lie in the areas of study, career, and self-realization. And to achieve your goals, it is better to not be burdened with a family. Another important aspect is that the age of emotional maturity has shifted,” noted coach Olesya Fedorova. Modern technology gives people the illusion of multiple choices. If previously a woman often tolerated a man who did not suit her, today, to meet a new man, you just need to use an application on your smartphone.

“If you don’t like something in your partner, you can find someone else in a couple of hours. They don’t want to work on themselves, on relationships. Everyone is looking for the “perfect partner” that doesn’t actually exist. It’s not so easy to get out of this vicious circle of constant search,” Fedorova added.

However, economic reasons also influence reluctance to marry. Today, a wedding is a very expensive event that not everyone can afford. “In recent years, the lives of Russians have been affected by the economic crisis, including the desire to get married. More and more people are in relationships or even live together, but do not officially register their relationship. This applies to both young people and divorced people. Many women with children prefer not to move in with their lovers, so as not to change their household habits. We should also not forget about housing problems, because many live with their parents,” explains family psychologist Maria Mikhailova.

Most often, people get married when they plan to have common children and manage common finances, and in the current situation this is not possible for everyone, says the psychologist. Young people do not risk having children because they are afraid that they will not be able to adequately provide for them. Large joint purchases, such as buying a home, are also postponed indefinitely. In addition, organizing a wedding also requires serious expenses.

“Of course, most people still want a stable relationship. This applies to both men and women. But the importance of official marriage is rapidly declining, living together is already perceived as the norm, and a wedding is simply a beautiful tradition,” says Maria Mikhailova.

But the desire of women after 35 years to remain single and raise children on their own is often influenced by the unsuccessful experiences of their parents. “Many women now provide for themselves independently and, in general, do not feel much dependence on their husbands. Moreover, they have seen enough of parents who live together for 50 years without love, and they themselves do not want such relationships with men. Nevertheless, they want children and increasingly prefer to have children while remaining single,” says Ekaterina Yavits.

The perception of the family as a unit of society is in many ways no longer relevant, but a new attitude is still being developed, the psychologist believes. “It became clear to many what they don’t want, but what they want remains to be found out. Most likely, in the future we will come to a broad definition of the concept of family. And the desire to be with someone with whom you feel good will outweigh the desire to ensure stability and survival for your offspring. Of course, if people do not face a significant external threat,” concluded Ekaterina Yavits.

Pros of living alone

The question of why girls don’t want to get married and have children is obvious if you pay attention to the advantages of a free life. These include:

• having a huge amount of free time;
• constant opportunity to take care of your appearance;
• lack of obligations at home;
• uncontrollable time;
• the opportunity to communicate with other men;
• career building;
• the possibility of unlimited communication with friends and relatives;
• material independence.

Cons of living alone

The state when “I want to do everything I want” is no longer pleasing; when evenings and nights of loneliness appear, they seem endless. Weekends and holidays are no longer pleasing at all, the only hope is for a vacation. There are other negative aspects of freedom and independence:

• there is a state of uselessness;
• a woman often falls into despair;
• melancholy and depression appear;
• neuroses arise;
• health condition worsens;
• the meaning of life is lost;
• lack of moral and material support;
• no regular sex life;
• there is no hormone of happiness (life ceases to be enjoyable);
• there is fear of the future.

The danger of loneliness

The situation when “I want to do whatever I want” becomes dangerous if such a desire takes root over the years. A woman gets used to loneliness and ceases to feel the need for a man. As long as she has parents and relatives, loneliness is not a problem. But after a while they will be gone, and the woman will remain absolutely helpless. She is not used to communicating with men and building relationships, so her chances of doing this in old age have a minimal positive percentage. A single woman may face the following dangers:

• Any breakdown in an apartment or task that requires male strength is impossible to accomplish. And calling specialists for every little detail is problematic.
• All my friends have their own families, and no one is interested in spending time with a lonely woman. It is worth preparing for the fact that loneliness will become a constant norm of life both on weekdays and on holidays.
• Lack of regular sex life will provoke the development of chronic diseases.
• There may be financial difficulties in which no one will come to the rescue.
• The danger of falling into the hands of swindlers for a single woman is very great.

Maria Weiss, sexologist:

– There is a belief that all girls want is to get married as soon as possible. These exist, but every year there are more and more girls who are in no hurry to go to the registry office.

There are several reasons for this:

• Fear of adulthood. The girl is young and, perhaps, she wants to have fun and enjoy life, and not “cook borscht.” Not all couples are able to share household responsibilities and agree on housekeeping. Therefore, the girl is afraid that after marriage the whole life will fall on her shoulders.
• Unwillingness to part with freedom. Nowadays women are more independent and self-reliant. For many, the chance to achieve financial well-being does not come down to just getting married successfully. They are looking for like-minded people, not sponsors.
• Doesn't see a future together. A girl can love a man, but if she feels that she will not be happy with him and, most likely, she will not be able to make him happy either. The most important thing is that she admits it.
• Doubts. Perhaps, as soon as the man proposed to the girl, she doubted whether she was ready to spend her whole life next to this man. A man needs to be patient and help the girl deal with her internal conflict.
• Fear that the relationship will deteriorate after the wedding. Perhaps the girl observed something similar in the relationships of her parents or friends. If a man can calm her down, muffle her anxiety, then most likely everything will work out.

If a girl unexpectedly refuses to get married, listen to each other to understand and find out the true reasons for the refusal.

Author: Karina BARABASH

Myths about marriage

Many girls come to the conclusion: “I don’t want to get married and have children.” 30 years is considered an excellent age for a man, since at this time he has a huge selection of potential brides. A thirty-year-old woman is already considered an old maid, and her chances of a happy marriage are sharply reduced. It is these myths that are the reason for girls to draw erroneous conclusions and lose hope for well-being in their personal lives. There are other misconceptions:

• 30 years is a turning point, after which only damaged girls remain unclaimed. This is a misconception, since the pace of life has accelerated significantly. At this age, in many countries, women are just beginning to think about their personal lives. Our country is no exception.
• After 30, it is difficult to bear and give birth to a healthy child. Modern scientists have determined the optimal age for childbirth - this is 34 years old, at this time mother and baby will be as ready as possible for the meeting.
• After thirty, it is difficult for a woman to find a worthy gentleman, since everyone is already married. Many young people prefer to marry adult, serious women rather than childish young girls who are not yet ready for family life.
• Men prefer young blondes. This is a myth, since the average statistical age of women getting married is 30 years old. Hair color doesn't matter.

Stereotypes

Stereotypes about marriage have become firmly entrenched in women's lives. They are the ones who do not allow the fair sex to feel happy. Among them are the following misconceptions:

1. Do what everyone else does. This is completely inappropriate for today’s times, since living according to a pattern, limiting one’s desires or forcing oneself to do what one does not want hinders development and stops progress.
2. Get married early because your beauty will fade. Family life has no connection with fading beauty. A woman needs to be healthy, neat and well-groomed; this is a guarantee of attractiveness.
3. Marry for convenience. This is a personal matter for each girl, since you can be happy both in love and in material well-being (it’s better when these two aspects are combined).
4. You have to give birth to keep a guy. This is a misconception because children are never the glue that holds a marriage together. Even with children, people get divorced, and childless families often feel very happy.

Why does he need this?

You write that you have been dating a man for five years, from which we can conclude that the relationship is quite stable. Common interests and hobbies are great, but is this the only link, or is there something else behind external social factors?

The fact that you initially agreed and discussed the format of your relationship is certainly a huge plus. Understatement and unjustified expectations are the dominant factor in conflicts and disappointments and can cause separation. In your case, a certain “failure” occurred; the stated terms of the contract were violated, which suited both parties and still suit you to this day, but for some reason no longer suits your man. You say that he literally “stunned” you with the admission that he would like to see you as his wife and mother of his child. Was his statement actually a complete surprise? Perhaps there were prerequisites for this? For example, your man’s family puts pressure on him. And all the friends are married and have accepted the role of fatherhood.

Not only women want to keep a man by giving birth to heirs, men have the same thoughts. Jealousy plays an important role. If your partner has these feelings towards you, it is likely that he wants formal "ownership". If all these reasons are not relevant to your situation, most likely the man has simply grown beyond the limits that were stated. We all change every second of our lives, and what we once liked often becomes insufficient over time.

Does a woman need a family?

Before declaring: “I don’t want to get married and have children,” you need to try to figure out whether this is actually the case. In order to correct the situation, it is recommended to take three steps:

1. Analyze the situation in your family. Try to understand how the parents lived, whether this family was complete and happy, and what was the reason for the girl to refuse to enter into a serious relationship.
2. Voice the attitude that has been formulated in your head since childhood. For example: “A man is a burden because he requires increased attention and can betray at any moment.” This attitude is considered incorrect; it is based on the resentment and sad experience of the parents. You must try not to spread it to other men and reformulate it in a positive direction.
3. Find successful examples of happy families. See what benefits women have from communicating with their husbands and children, how pleasant it is for them to enjoy each other’s company and rejoice at the successes of their children.

Scenario 3. Self-esteem

When a person puts an apartment up for sale, he has 3 options for the development of events. Set a price higher than the market price. Or determine an adequate cost, according to existing prices. Or give it away for cheap. They will buy the second option faster. The first one is too expensive, the last one may turn out to be a tricky one.

Girls of marriageable age have the same situation. Those who adequately evaluate themselves, do not have internal complexes and do not expect an Arab sheikh as a prince, quickly get married.

Those who have too low self-esteem (I’m ugly / fat / harmful / stupid / from the village, etc.) subconsciously instill in themselves the idea that no one will ever love or marry them (ugly / fat / harmful). Over time, this attitude seems to be “cemented” in the head and transformed into a public declaration: “I don’t want to get married!”

A different, but similar situation arises among those with high self-esteem. They are too good for those men who make up their environment. Yes, they make beautiful marriage proposals. Yes, there are always a lot of fans around them. Yes, they are well-groomed and self-sufficient. But at the same time, they refuse everyone, explaining with a smile: “I can get married, I just don’t want to.” But in fact, they are subconsciously waiting for that Arab sheikh with a million dirhams. Or Brad Pitt with his Hollywood smile. After all, only they are worthy of such a treasure.

Reasons why women don't want to have children

Often girls have the question of what to do if you don’t want children. They are trying to figure it out: perhaps there is something wrong with them, because there are so many examples of happy mothers. You should not be afraid of this worldview; you need to understand the reasons for its occurrence. They are as follows:

• lack of moral readiness;
• the emergence of enormous responsibility;
• lack of material resources for decent upbringing and maintenance of a child;
• lack of a worthy man nearby;
• a radical change in lifestyle;
• fear of pregnancy and childbirth;
• fear of changes in appearance before and after childbirth;
• impossibility of building a career.

It is worth noting that the expression “I don’t want to get married and have children” always sounds from the lips of women who have not yet found their true love. All discussions on this matter will be irrelevant when the man of your dreams appears nearby. Fears and concerns will disappear, priorities will change. Therefore, you should not waste time on long thoughts, but quickly go in search of your soulmate.

A marriage proposal loomed on the horizon. But I’m thinking – do I need it?

I am now forty-two years old. All this time I have been living in a nice and large two-room apartment. I was brought here from the maternity hospital, this is where I grew up. My parents were drawn to rural life when they retired. They bought themselves a cozy country house, and I stayed in the apartment.

My life suits me quite well. Now I work as a programmer at a remote workplace. That is, I work without leaving home and have a good salary. Any day of the week I can take a day off and go to my parents.

I love visiting them in the summer, when my mother’s flowers are blooming everywhere, you can pick a cucumber straight from the garden and crunch it, and in the evening drink freshly brewed aromatic tea with mint in the gazebo.

I don't want to say that I was unlucky in my personal life. It just didn't work out for me. There were several affairs with men, but they did not end with a wedding. It’s the same with children, I don’t have them and never will. But I must honestly admit to you that I do not feel deprived and do not suffer about this.

Now I have a permanent man, Vladislav, he is a couple of years younger than me. Our romance has been going on for more than a year. And recently, Vlad began to hint in a joking manner that it would be nice for us to legalize our relationship and live together.

So far he has not made a direct official proposal, but I see that things are moving towards this. Therefore, I want to decide for myself in advance - do I need this marriage?

Vladislav was married once. Seven years ago, he and his wife divorced. He has a daughter, Evgenia, she is seventeen years old. Vlad works as a mechanic in a trucking company every day for eight hours and two days off (Saturday, Sunday).

During the divorce, he left the apartment to his wife and daughter. He himself moved into a one-room “Khrushchev” on the outskirts of the city, which he inherited from his grandfather. Even though Vlad did some minor cosmetic repairs there, it’s still clear from the threshold that this is a bachelor’s pad.

I rarely visit him. We meet on my territory. This happens a couple of times a week. After work, Vlad picks me up, we go to the movies or just take a walk around the city center. It happens that we can have dinner in a cafe or go to visit friends.

Most often, of course, we have dinner at home while watching an interesting film or program. I love to cook, so it makes me happy to feed someone and then hear that it was very tasty.

So I spoil Vladislav not only with dinners, but also with hot breakfasts. Every time after our meetings he stays with me overnight.

We also spend all weekends together, with rare exceptions, if he needs to help his parents with something and go to them for an overnight stay. We don’t sit at home, but go away for two days to a tourist base outside the city. It is located on the picturesque bank of a small river. We love to catch fish, then fry it on the fire or cook fish soup.

In general, we are both quite active people for our age. In many ways, our interests coincide. I even began to enjoy going to football and hockey matches with Vlad, although before that I was absolutely indifferent to sports.

Because we meet several times a week, and do not live together constantly, we never have quarrels. Maybe we really are perfect for each other? But the fact is that this kind of relationship suits me. I need a few days of complete freedom. I don't want to burden myself with family life.

If we live together, then most likely we will have to live in my apartment; I won’t go to his bachelor’s pad on the outskirts of the city. But I have to admit that although this man is not indifferent to me, his constant presence will not please me.

We are no longer talking about the love that happens in youth, when it blows your mind and butterflies flutter in your stomach. We're probably just kindred spirits. We have developed an excellent relationship, and I would not like to spoil it with everyday and family problems.

I don’t know how to correctly explain this to Vladislav if he once again starts a conversation about registering a marriage in a joking or serious manner. I don’t want to offend him, much less lose him. But I still can’t find the necessary arguments that we shouldn’t live together. Maybe you can advise?

Mon, 06 Jul 2020 18:04:59 +0300

@ Oksana Abramovich