“Do what your elders say”: why adults don’t respect children

Family psychology

A mother is respected because she gives life to children. Children are loved because they are defenseless. Teenagers are pitied because they already suffer from internal contradictions. Only modern fathers are not considered anything. It’s not common to worry about their feelings at all. Cinema is partly to blame for this: courageous movie hero fathers have been replaced by mattress dads.

As modern ladies become more and more emancipated, men are slowly fading into the background. Some are quite happy with the role of being an attachment to their spouse, while others are trying to figure out why everything has turned upside down and since when did husbands and fathers begin to be treated with disdain.

Journalist David Epworth first thought about this question after he had his hair cut shorter than usual at a hairdresser. At work he was bombarded with jokes, but the most unpleasant thing awaited him at home.

“The three main women in my life - my wife and two daughters - with an expression of genuine horror, unanimously said: “Oh, my God!” This was not some kind of joke - they were talking completely seriously. I would have understood if I had given myself a mohawk, but the hairdresser only removed a couple of centimeters more hair.

Hair or not hair is not the point. The main thing is the tone in which they said it! I've never heard anything like this from anyone before. The saddest thing is that they allowed themselves to do this because I am their father. Today, when everyone in families tries to tiptoe around each other, dad has become a garbage can whose emotions you don’t have to think about.

If I reacted to something like that, my girls would definitely cry in the bathroom until the evening, and my wife would put my things out on the street. I'm not looking for sympathy - my family is no better or worse than any other.

Here's a simple test: if your wife is going to a social event with you, does she consult with you or just let you know? Have your kids ever said, “Are you really going to walk in that?” Does anyone in the family besides you get socks? I remember I once celebrated a birthday with my family, and they didn’t give me anything at all!

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Being a dad is hard work. You can criticize him, treat him to a burnt pie, casually ruffle his hair in front of his classmates. One of my daughters, who is taller than me, loves to stand next to me and sing in the presence of friends in the most tender voice: “My little daddy!”

I asked my young colleague how things were going in their family. It turns out I'm not alone. Her father is my brother in misfortune. True, the girl is convinced that her dad does not suffer at all from such treatment.

The list of things that are unpleasant for fathers can be continued endlessly: children use them like ATMs, offspring roll their eyes at the most innocent questions, and in general, dad seems to them to be a thing little more important than a microwave. They pay much more attention to the same TV. By the way, in many families, fathers are separated from the remote control: they are simply not allowed to watch what they want.

I think the film scriptwriters are partly to blame for this situation: in their search for new images, they made television fathers soft and weak-willed. Pumped-up heroes fighting alien invaders have become boring. And the mattress dad turned out to be an excellent alternative to Superman - take Homer Simpson, for example.

Alas, I am unable to fight such a powerful enemy as the film and television industry alone. Social trends also need to be taken into account - the father-miner or lumberjack, whom no one would dare to laugh at, was replaced by the father-clerk, whom it would be a nice thing to kick.

I wouldn't want to be like my grandfather, who kept the whole family in fear. On the other hand, no one would dare poke his finger in his stomach and declare that he is too old to wear sneakers. As one statesman said, we have lost the empire and have not yet found a place for ourselves.”

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AM Blog

Situation:

My parents do not respect or take into account my feelings, thoughts, and boundaries. The young man behaves in a similar way. Sometimes their actions are similar, like a carbon copy.

It's upsetting to me. I'm tired. Each such attack in my direction takes a lot of energy and drives me into despair. I don’t understand how you can behave like this. And most importantly, for what? I didn't do anything bad to anyone!

Parsing:

I would like to immediately say that if a person has not done anything bad to them, but they behave this way. They are definitely not distinguished by wisdom and sensitivity.

Nevertheless, we do not have any other rights to change, and there is no need to do so. All excuses (from the series, these are all of them), grievances and expectations will have to be left behind.

It's not all that easy. If these were strangers, then they could simply be crossed out of life and safely forgotten. Or put bitchiness in its place by force of will. But here are family and friends...

There are different cases, but most often it is better to proceed from the position: I will always have time to leave and ruin the relationship. Let this be plan B.

Now the main question!!!

Why did you come (born) into this family? Well, they could have been born in a normal state, with a normal attitude and values. This is the whole point of the situation. WHAT BEHAVIOR DO THEY ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO WITH THEIR REACTIONS?

Once you understand the answer to this question, you will have an understanding of which direction to move.

But don't rush to answer! To despondency and disappointment, this is not the answer. This is just an automatic reaction to the situation, which means it is not correct.

What kind of person do you have to be to fight back, to defend yourself, to show that they can’t behave like that with you, to achieve recognition….

THEY BEHAVIOR WITH YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW THEM TO BEHAVIOR.

You can make excuses about this for a long time, but that’s how it is.

I'll try to give you some options to give you a starting point.

• You don't know how to protect your boundaries
• Moreover, you don't know your limits
• You don't know how to say no
• You don't respect yourself
• You don't love yourself
• You don't know how to take responsibility for your life
• You're going with the flow
• You do not know how to control your reactions and desires. They are spontaneous and reflexive.
• ……..

If someone could teach how to cope with all of the above, then such training would cost millions of rubles! Because the end result would be a successful, respected, satisfied, self-confident person.

Wait a minute! But aren’t those same family and friends doing this to you all this time? Only in a non-presentable form! Why not presentable? Yes because it's free!!!

What to do? Offer your butt to these sacred kickstands! Be grateful to fate for them and for what has finally come to you! Hands in hands and forward! Do not change the direction of the flight that the sacred pendal passed to you. Get angry. Yell. Headbutt the walls. And go live! Live your life. Your dreams. Its essence. And may you be happy!

Children rarely misinterpret our words

They repeat with amazing precision everything that we should not have said.

Respect for parents and elders by children is the most important of the seven virtues. “Honor your father and mother...” (remember?). If a child does not respect and love his parents, then he is like a young tree that has no roots, or like a stream that no longer has a source.

Our parents gave us life. It's hard to describe the effort they put into raising us to be who we are.

What do parents expect in return? They need attention, care, ideally love, but above all respect (thus the child shows them his gratitude).

Let's look at the meaning of the word "respect":

Respect is a feeling of respect, an attitude based on recognition of the merits and high qualities of someone or something. // Recognition of importance, significance, value; high mark.

Now let’s think about how many families we see where there are happy relationships between adult (adult!) children and their parents?

Why is this happening?

When does the Age of Great Dislike begin?

More often than not, parents love their young children (especially if they are obedient) and they love them back. Even if this is not the case, most parents will never admit their dislike for their children (even for themselves). They patiently try to satisfy their needs. But let's think about what needs are we talking about? Most often, their concern concerns the satisfaction of physiological (food, etc.) needs and the need for safety. Many people already have problems with the need for love. Love is replaced by overprotection. Excessive care does not give the child the opportunity to develop, because development, as we know, can only be at the level of overcoming. “A child is not a plant, he cannot be grown in a greenhouse, under the hood of his own influence” (A. Sorin). Thus, children are deprived of the opportunity to learn to trust themselves; they grow up with the conviction that nothing depends on them. Often such relationships become suffocating for children, and there are two ways out - rebellion and humility. It's good if the child rebels. It's worse if you get used to it.

In the latter case, parents forever take responsibility for the lives of their children. But the more responsibility we take for our child, the less responsibility he has left. By doing so, we infantilize him and overload ourselves. No one knows exactly at what age one can consider that parents have “nothing to do with it at all,” and whether this will ever happen at all. Therefore, they feel a lifelong responsibility for everything that their children do. So, someone, instead of the child (FOR him) takes on the function of control over him. Why then should a child develop such a skill in himself?

Lamarck, already in the 18th century, said: “An unused function atrophies or degenerates.” And the further it goes, the worse... A small child is easy to control, but children grow up. And the fewer opportunities parents have to take direct part in the lives of their children, the greater their anxiety due to the feeling of being unable to “pilot” their flight (after all, they and only they are responsible for the result!), and the greater the desire to criticize and prohibit - as an attempt to return control yourself. So it turns out that in most cases, when children expect support from their parents in their development, their parents hinder them more than help them develop. The child grows into an adult who does not have an adequate understanding of his own capabilities and does not consider himself responsible for his life.

What future awaits the parents of such children?

“All the best for children - until they are old?

Are children growing up surpassing their parents’ income?”

(G. Malkin)

And then you don’t need to be surprised that parents have such a hard life, and the rest of them don’t care about anything! Do you think that children feel gratitude towards such parents? Whatever the case. What comes easily is usually little appreciated, if noticed at all.

Conclusion: You don’t need to take all the responsibility, you only need to take your own!

Why should parents strive to control their child? Because they view it as an extension of themselves... You control your arm or leg, right? Therefore, for many parents this is a strange question. What about higher level needs? But no way. Can we say that parents respect their children? Is their individuality understood and valued? “What stupidity,” many parents will say with indignation. Why respect them? We respect adults for their achievements, children don’t have them...” (oh)

Is there a lot of real warmth and understanding of the child’s interests in such relationships? So, parents (at best) love children as part of themselves... and that's all... There is no respect for individuality in this system in principle.

What does this lead to?

Elementary disrespect for personality in childhood (and personality undoubtedly exists) usually spreads further. Actually, this is precisely where one of the main causes of conflicts between generations lies. Children grow up, but parents continue to consider them their property, unceremoniously invading their privacy.

What are these boundaries? Many parents basically have no concept of personal space.

How is their communication structured? As a rule, according to the principle “mom (dad) knows best what you need.” But as the children grow up, the mother also gains more and more life experience - which means she again knows better.

Parents try to instill in their children their habits and outlook on life. They are hurt by the fact that children are not what they want them to be, so they ruthlessly eradicate any dissent and difference like a weed. Of course, with good intentions (so it seems to them). They sincerely try to protect their children from mistakes. But in what way? As a rule, by constantly looking for shortcomings and pointing out them... Thus, they turn them into losers, both in their own eyes and in the eyes of the parents themselves. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”...

If a parent believes that the child is his continuation, an improved copy, then the child inevitably becomes a hostage to parental ambitions, complexes, a tool for settling scores both with other people and with the world as a whole. He “must” meet the expectations of his parents, achieve what they could not, lead a lifestyle that is correct according to their concepts, etc. In fact, we are again dealing with disrespect for the personality of another, with denying him the right to decide for himself how to live. “Give your parents a little trust, and they will use it as a crowbar to open you up and rearrange your life, depriving it of all prospects” (Douglas Copeland) And “against a crowbar, there is no trick” ...

Parental vanity can both help a child - support him in achieving results on his own path and then bring a justified sense of pride in him - and seriously complicate life.

The scenario in this case can develop in several ways:

1. Successful implementation of the prescribed scenario at the cost of enormous effort, which still gives parents the opportunity to be proud of the child, but goes against his true interests. In this scheme, the son/daughter suffers.

2. Disappointment of parents over the unsuccessful life of their son (daughter), who either failed to implement the scenario prescribed by the parents due to lack of inclination, or did not even try to do so. With this development of the situation, both parents and, most likely, their children suffer. The realization that you have disappointed loved ones - moreover, parents (the first and, as a rule, the most significant figures in the life of any person) - can be an unbearable burden.

3. Achieving success contrary to the wishes of the parents, perhaps - the implementation of the anti-script. With this scheme, even if a person’s life is successful both from his and from generally accepted points of view, parental pride has no basis. After all, success was achieved not thanks to, but in spite of parents and, in fact, serves as a refutation of their own beliefs, values, and, ultimately, their entire life experience (i.e., their life in general). This scenario is sometimes favorable for the child who realized it, but, as a rule, not for the parents.

It should be remembered: any scenario (even a direct one, even an “anti-scenario”) is a rigid scheme that limits the flexibility, mobility, and adaptability of the individual. If the desire to refute the script prescribed by parents begins to determine a person’s life, it can lead him as far from his main task - self-realization - as obedient adherence to their will.

The main task of parents is to create conditions in which the child can gradually learn to rely on himself, access his own resources and develop the ability to satisfy his own needs. The main distinguishing feature of a good parent is that he sees in the child a person (personality), and not “material” from which one can “fashion” everything that the parent considers necessary.

Unfortunately, it does not occur to many parents that joy for their children’s success, recognition of their independence in achieving it, and simply respect for their individuality can also contribute to children creating their own unique lives.

And as for the main tool of the educational process - criticism and pointing out mistakes, then “what goes around comes around.”

Parable.

One day a man came to the sage.

- You wise! Help me! I feel bad. My daughter doesn't understand me. She doesn't hear me. She doesn't talk to me. She's cruel. Why does she need a heart?

The sage said:

- When you return home, paint her portrait, take it to your daughter and silently give it to her.

The next day, an angry man burst into the sage and exclaimed:

- Why did you advise me to do this stupid act yesterday!? Was bad. And it got even worse! She returned the drawing to me, full of indignation!

- What did she tell you? - asked the sage.

“She said: “Why did you bring me this? Isn’t a mirror enough for you?”

The main thing that children inherited from their parents is the habit of criticizing. The children grew up to be who they are next to them. Evaluating and criticizing, knowing “how to”, “how to be a parent”. Parents in general and ours in particular. Once upon a time, their parents told them a lot about what it means to be a “good” child, now it’s their turn. Parents, after all, consider it possible to compare their children with someone else (in the vast majority of cases, not in their favor). Then why are they surprised that adult children compare their parents with someone else? With someone who achieved more, gave more to their children? "Respect? Why do we respect my parents, asks an adult child - “What stupidity.” We respect adults for their achievements, my parents don’t have them...” (a familiar phrase, right?).

By criticizing, you only raise critics. You criticize yourself, but in return you only want gratitude and respect? But where will children learn this if their parents only make comments to them, thereby firmly driving into their heads the idea that they are losers and everything they do is not good enough?

We are caught in a circular process of disrespect. It is IMPOSSIBLE to raise respect in children if you yourself DO NOT RESPECT others. How are parents doing with respecting other people? For example, your own parents? “What you yourself do for your parents, expect the same from your children” (Pittacus).

Respect, gratitude and recognition of achievements must also be taught, preferably by personal example. “And whatever you want people to do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31).

Parable

“One man entered the store and, to his great surprise, saw that God Himself was standing behind the counter.

After hesitating, the visitor finally decided to approach and asked:

- What do you sell?

-What does your heart desire? - said God.

Without thinking twice, the buyer replied:

“I want happiness, peace of mind and freedom from fear... for myself and for everyone else.”

To this God said:

- It's possible. But I don't sell fruits here. Only seeds."

Adult children still need feedback, advice, help and approval from their parents. One can argue how much (it depends on whether the parent is still an authority for them) but we can say with confidence that they need support much more than criticism, negative remarks and negative evaluations. It is very important for children (at any age) to receive confirmation from their parents of their success, achievements, and successful development of new social roles.

Why don't parents understand this? Why is there so much criticism and reproach?

"1. Parents transfer their own experiences to their children, creating an atmosphere of education through criticism in which they themselves were brought up.

2. Parents evaluate their children's successes by comparing them with how they feel about their own achievements. And if they consider themselves failures, then it is difficult for them to recognize the successes of their children. Anyone who does not respect himself is unable to respect others. Unfortunately, one can very often observe how the self-affirmation of some is carried out through the search for shortcomings or the devaluation of others. Sometimes this happens unconsciously, intuitively and habitually, and sometimes it is even emphasized as a leading life principle: “Mistakes must be found in order to get rid of them.”

3. Children often follow a path in which parents recognize themselves (parental script). By warning and scolding children, they actually criticize themselves in the past” (N. Manukhina).

The most important thing is to understand in time that the children have grown up. Otherwise, children have no choice but to distance themselves from their parents or even get rid of them, like old ballast, by moving somewhere far away. What kind of respect and gratitude is there...

The basis of the requirements of respect for parents is the judgment that an elderly person deserves respect simply because he is older (“We have lived our lives! You will live to be my age...”).

However, no matter how cruel it sounds, theoretically an older person deserves respect:

- for the fact that he took care of us and now has the right to count on reciprocal care;

– Over the years, he acquired invaluable life experience.

We certainly thank you for your concern - you cared as best you could and really have the right to expect reciprocal support from us. Expect, not demand (no matter how outraged this may be to many parents!).

“Parents and teachers are first and foremost givers, and children and students are takers. True, parents also receive something from their children, and teachers from their students. But this does not restore balance, but only softens its absence. But parents themselves were once children, and teachers were once students. They repay their debt by passing on to the next generation what they received from the previous one. And their children and students have the same opportunity.”

(Hellinger B.I.)

In fact, it is generally wrong to consider this process as debt repayment. After all, it is impossible to repay the debt for the life that our parents gave us. Such a debt can never be “repaid.” And the demand to return it causes a protest from the children: “I don’t owe you anything,” “By raising me, you were only fulfilling your parental duty” (and for many children: “Parental debt grows as it is repaid” (G. Malkin), “I don’t asked me to give birth." If life and caring for us is a debt, then it can only be returned to the one from whom it was taken. This point of view stops the flow of life, giving rise to guilt, despair and anger in children, and in parents who are “abandoned” , not returning what they borrowed, a feeling of the meaninglessness of the life lived. Another thing is if we consider the relationship between parents and children as a contribution to their development. “A contribution is providing someone with the use of the results of one’s achievements on contractual terms: at interest, in exchange for something, under certain conditions that are understandable to both parties. Debt is a burden, contribution is support. By investing in children, parents can hope to receive “interest” in old age: their attention, help, care. This is what what parents received from their parents when they were children themselves. This is what their children will give to their children. They will give it, not give it away” (N. Manukhina). Therefore, it is important to raise children who understand that in life it is necessary not only to take, but also to give. Otherwise, accusations of insufficient investment are inevitable, or a general devaluation of the parental contribution (they didn’t give enough, they gave, but not that, etc.)

Is it possible to fix such a relationship? In the overwhelming majority, it is possible (if there is a desire). How? Decide to enter into dialogue. Understand mutual expectations (after all, they are not always obvious to the other side!). Express your feelings, because where there is such hatred, there is always love. It’s just that mutual grievances do not give her the opportunity to “come out,” just as a gravestone blocks access to freedom from mutual accusations, criticism, and discontent. Those parents who sincerely rejoice in the achievements of their children always remain needed and desired by them. Their children admit that their parents taught them a lot of good and useful things. Recognition of another makes oneself free. And then the joy of communication appears. And words of acceptance and gratitude are addressed to each other (namely each other). And how this communication will take place can always be agreed upon. Like “adult” with “adult”. After all, normally, parents do not live only for the sake of their children, only their lives, they have their own interests, build relationships with many people. Do not keep all “savings” (deposits) in one bank...

Respecting the life experiences of parents is more difficult. Life experience is valuable if it makes a person wiser. But if at one time older people were, in essence, bearers of tradition passed on to the next, younger generations, then in our time this is not necessarily the case. As for wisdom, many of the representatives of the older generation do not have it at all. If something develops over the years, it is rather a resentment towards the whole world, combined with a never-ending desire to meddle in the lives of long-grown children. Wisdom involves expanding the picture of the world, taking into account extensive life experience. And, therefore, greater flexibility and tolerance of others, based on knowledge of people, understanding that we are all different from each other, and respect for individuality.

The conflict between “fathers and sons” is eternal. Any society is a system of interaction between age strata, and its development is a sequential change and continuity of generations, which is always selective: some knowledge, norms and values ​​are absorbed and passed on to subsequent generations, others, which do not correspond to the changed conditions, are rejected or transformed.

Parents and children see the world from different points of view. Children want change, parents hold back the progress caused by children so that the transition from old to new will go more smoothly. “Young people think that old people are stupid, but old people know that young people are fools!” (Agatha Christie). It is important not to forget about mutual respect (namely mutual, and not to hide behind the phrase “the egg doesn’t teach the hen”), and to recognize the right to dissent.

So who should start moving towards (if there is a desire to improve relations)? Children or parents?

The one who is wiser.

What to do

If you have ever heard the phrase “I don’t respect my mother,” then you probably have a desire to know how to behave in such a situation, how to change this child’s attitude.

1. Set a goal for yourself and follow it. No matter how difficult it may be when communicating with a child, you need to understand that you dream of him being happy. You need to believe that the baby is, in fact, a responsible and good person. Ignore failures and stress. Remember what you want your baby to be. Before saying anything to a child, you need to think carefully and weigh everything, because sometimes it is words that deeply wound the child’s psyche.
2. No matter what, you must have a positive attitude towards your child. Convince yourself that the baby is initially kind and good. When communicating with a child, a parent should not forget about his essence; he can directly talk about how he wants to see him in order to achieve interaction.
3. There must be an understanding that you and your baby have equal rights.
4. There is no need to be afraid of collisions, or worry that sooner or later the child will declare that he feels hatred or wants to run away from home. You must understand that fears materialize. In addition, children often resort to this method to manipulate, force their parents to do what they need, even blackmail. You don’t need to unquestioningly fulfill all the child’s demands, you need to be able to fight back.
5. Learn to trust your baby, entrust him with a responsible task. This will help get rid of unnecessary lies in relationships. However, if you deliberately ask your child unnecessary questions or concentrate your negative attention on him, deception cannot be avoided. For example, you should not ask “have you cleaned up your room?”, it is better to say “I would like to see how beautiful your room has become.”
6. Be on the same page with your son or daughter, treat their desires and hobbies normally, if necessary, remember yourself at their age and don’t say phrases like “I couldn’t afford that at your age.” Look for common topics of conversation, indicate your interest in the child’s problems, and provide support.
7. Respect the baby. Act in his interests, explain your actions, comment on your prohibitions. There is no need to think that he is too small and does not understand anything.

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Sunday, June 26, 2011 15:38 + in Mila_Lova's

all posts by the author This is a quote from
Kirroil’s Why parents don’t respect their children Doesn’t something so popular among the people sound proud, for example: “My g... will still teach me” (heard from the author’s personal mother), “It always turns out my way anyway” (regarding the predicted failures of a son or daughter, they say with a swaggering look - of course, she won the argument! You can rejoice...), “When you raise your children, then you will understand what it’s like!” (at the same time, the presence of children does not add intelligence at all - this is clearly visible) ... Can we honestly answer the question: do we see many families where relationships would develop happily between adult (adult!) children and their parents? And between fathers-in-law and daughter-in-law, fathers-in-law and son-in-law? However, oddly enough, the second option is more common, including as an alliance between the parents of one of the partners and his wife (husband) against their own son or daughter. (Although there are also constructive options. I know a young woman who was deprived in childhood of genuine parental love - and not generally accepted methods of demonstrating / imitation of love - who found parents, if not by blood, then by spirit in the person of her father-in-law and mother-in-law.) This topic is vast and includes many aspects. Let's just try to touch on some points, considering them as a reason to think - is our “rightness” unconditional in relation to our own children? Let's start (which is quite natural) with mothers of small children. Overprotective mothers stand out among them. If a negative attitude towards adult offspring can, in principle, be rationalized by people by their unsightly (from the parents’ point of view) behavior, then it is difficult to seriously reproach a small child for “ungratefulness.” At the same time, it is known that in most cases, behind an overly expressed personality trait, one should look for its opposite. A mother who is overprotective of her child is certainly caring for him. But how exactly does this concern manifest itself? Most often it concerns the satisfaction of the physical, material needs of the child and his safety - here mothers of this type have no equal. A perfectly clean bib, socks that match the T-shirts, hours of culinary exercise for the sake of a couple of spoons of food... But how much real warmth and understanding of the child’s interests is there in such relationships? Does his mother love him as her child (essentially, as a part of herself) or as him, as an individual? Here it is necessary to take into account that in our culture it is not customary to admit dislike for your children. It is also very difficult to admit this to ourselves; children are simply supposed to be loved. But what if we don’t know how to love? That's right: hide this inability behind excessively expressed guardianship. Elementary disrespect for personality in childhood (and personality undoubtedly already exists) usually extends further, to an indefinite age. Actually, this is precisely where one of the main causes of friction and conflict between generations lies. The tendency to unceremoniously invade the personal and intimate lives of children is characteristic of many of our compatriots, for whom, in principle, there is no concept of personal space. At first, this happens according to the principle “mom (dad) knows best what you need,” then simply out of habit. After all, as the children grow up, the mother also gains more and more life experience - which means she again knows better. Another factor is parental selfishness. The child is a hostage to parental ambitions, complexes, a tool for settling scores both with other people and with the world as a whole. The child “must” meet the expectations of his parents, achieve what they could not, lead a lifestyle that is correct according to their concepts, etc. In fact, we are again dealing with disrespect for the personality of another, with denying him the right to decide for himself how to live. Parental vanity can both help a child - support him in achieving results on his own path and then bring a justified sense of pride in him - and seriously complicate life. The scenario in this case can develop in several ways. 1. Disappointment of parents over the unsuccessful life path of their son/daughter, who either failed to successfully implement the scenario prescribed by the parents due to lack of inclination, or did not even try to do so. With this development of the situation, both the parents and, most likely, their offspring suffer. The realization that you have disappointed loved ones - moreover, parents (the first significant figures in the life of any person) - can be an unbearable burden. 2. Successful implementation of the prescribed scenario at the cost of exorbitant efforts, which still gives parents the opportunity to be proud of their offspring, but goes against the true interests of the individual. In this scheme, the son/daughter suffers. 3. Achieving success contrary to the wishes of the parents, perhaps - the implementation of the anti-script. With this scheme, even if an individual’s life is successful both from his and from generally accepted points of view, parental pride certainly does not have any basis. After all, success was achieved not thanks to, but in spite of parents and, in fact, serves as a refutation of their own beliefs, values, and, ultimately, their entire life outcome. This scenario is sometimes favorable for the person who implemented it. But it should be remembered: any scenario (even direct, even “anti”) is a rigid scheme, a ready-made channel that limits the flexibility, mobility, and adaptability of the individual. If the desire to refute the schemes prescribed by parents begins to dominate a person’s entire life, it can lead him just as far from the individual’s main task - self-realization - as submissive adherence to the will of tyrant parents. Often the reason for parents' disrespect for their children is the false belief that an elderly person deserves respect simply because he is older (“We have lived our lives! You will live to be my age...”). Theoretically, an older person deserves respect: - for the fact that he took care of us and now has the right to count on reciprocal care; – Over the years, he acquired invaluable life experience. Thank you, of course, for your care - they cared as best they could (see about overprotective mothers) and really have the right to expect reciprocal support from us. Life experience is valuable if it makes a person wiser. But if once upon a time older people were, in essence, bearers of tradition passed on to the next, younger generations, then in our time this is far from the case. As for wisdom, most representatives of the older generation do not have it at all. Otherwise, where does the widespread idea of ​​older people being quarrelsome and grumpy come from? If something is gained, it is rather a resentment towards the whole world, combined with a never-ending desire to meddle in the lives of long-grown children. Wisdom involves expanding the picture of the world, taking into account extensive life experience. And therefore - greater flexibility and tolerance towards others, based on knowledge of people, understanding that we are all different from each other, and respect for individuality. At the same time, everything cannot be attributed to age-related changes - if this were so, similar changes would occur as they age with all people, with rare exceptions. But these exceptions are actually not so rare. In general, a grown-up participant in problematic parent-child relationships in any case faces a difficult task - not to turn into a victim of parental complexes or, even worse, a conscious victim. (It’s not my fault, it’s all mom and dad! - coming from a hefty idiot, it sounds, at least, funny.) All the rest - unworked, left to the mercy of fate - options promise little good for a person. Alexander Smirnov The article was written in co-authorship with Natalya Kolpakova About children with Mila Lova

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Authors: Alexander Smirnov and Natalya Kolpakova

Let's talk about our elderly - parents, especially mothers. Actually, I am mainly addressing the above-mentioned categories of the population. More precisely, those of them who are proud of these titles. And in fact, doesn’t something so popular among the people sound proudly, for example: “Don’t teach your father... (sorry, to commit coitus)”, “My g... will still teach me” (heard from the author’s personal mother), “Always always it turns out my way” (regarding the predicted failures of a son or daughter, they say with a swaggering look - of course, she won the argument! You can rejoice...), “When you raise your children, then you will understand what it’s like!” (at the same time, the presence of children does not add intelligence at all - this is clearly visible) ... Can we honestly answer the question: do we see many families where relationships would develop happily between adult (adult!) children and their parents? And between fathers-in-law and daughter-in-law, fathers-in-law and son-in-law? However, oddly enough, the second option is more common, including as an alliance between the parents of one of the partners and his wife (husband) against their own son or daughter. (Although there are also constructive options. I know a young woman who was deprived in childhood of genuine parental love - and not generally accepted methods of demonstrating / imitation of love - who found parents, if not by blood, then by spirit in the person of her father-in-law and mother-in-law.) This topic is vast and includes many aspects. Let's just try to touch on some points, considering them as a reason to think - is our “rightness” unconditional in relation to our own children? Let's start (which is quite natural) with mothers of small children. Overprotective mothers stand out among them. If a negative attitude towards adult offspring can, in principle, be rationalized by people by their unsightly (from the parents’ point of view) behavior, then it is difficult to seriously reproach a small child for “ungratefulness.” At the same time, it is known that in most cases, behind an overly expressed personality trait, one should look for its opposite. A mother who is overprotective of her child is certainly caring for him. But how exactly does this concern manifest itself? Most often it concerns the satisfaction of the physical, material needs of the child and his safety - here mothers of this type have no equal. A perfectly clean bib, socks that match the T-shirts, hours of culinary exercise for the sake of a couple of spoons of food... But how much real warmth and understanding of the child’s interests is there in such relationships? Does his mother love him as her child (essentially, as a part of herself) or as him, as an individual? Here it is necessary to take into account that in our culture it is not customary to admit dislike for your children. It is also very difficult to admit this to ourselves; children are simply supposed to be loved. But what if we don’t know how to love? That's right: hide this inability behind excessively expressed guardianship. Elementary disrespect for personality in childhood (and personality undoubtedly already exists) usually extends further, to an indefinite age. Actually, this is precisely where one of the main causes of friction and conflict between generations lies. The tendency to unceremoniously invade the personal and intimate lives of children is characteristic of many of our compatriots, for whom, in principle, there is no concept of personal space. At first, this happens according to the principle “mom (dad) knows best what you need,” then simply out of habit. After all, as the children grow up, the mother also gains more and more life experience - which means she again knows better. Another factor is parental selfishness. The child is a hostage to parental ambitions, complexes, a tool for settling scores both with other people and with the world as a whole. The child “must” meet the expectations of his parents, achieve what they could not, lead a lifestyle that is correct according to their concepts, etc. In fact, we are again dealing with disrespect for the personality of another, with denying him the right to decide for himself how to live. Parental vanity can both help a child - support him in achieving results on his own path and then bring a justified sense of pride in him - and seriously complicate life. The scenario in this case can develop in several ways. 1. Disappointment of parents regarding the unsuccessful life path of their son (daughter, who either failed to successfully implement the scenario prescribed by the parents due to lack of inclination, or did not try to do so. With this development of the situation, both parents suffer, and, most likely, theirs as well offspring. The awareness of having disappointed loved ones - moreover, parents (the first significant figures in the life of any person) - can be an unbearable burden. 2. Successful implementation of the prescribed scenario at the cost of exorbitant efforts, which still gives parents the opportunity to be proud of their offspring, but goes against with the true interests of the individual. With this scheme, the son/daughter suffers. 3. Achieving success against the wishes of the parents, perhaps - the implementation of an anti-scenario. With this scheme, even if the individual’s life is successful both from his and from the generally accepted points of view, parental pride is certainly has no basis, because success was achieved not thanks to, but in spite of parents and, in fact, serves as a refutation of their own beliefs, values, and, ultimately, their entire life outcome. This scenario is sometimes favorable for the person who implemented it. But it should be remembered: any scenario (even direct, even “anti”) is a rigid scheme, a ready-made channel that limits the flexibility, mobility, and adaptability of the individual. If the desire to refute the schemes prescribed by parents begins to dominate a person’s entire life, it can lead him just as far from the individual’s main task - self-realization - as submissive adherence to the will of tyrant parents. Often the reason for parents' disrespect for their children is the false belief that an elderly person deserves respect simply because he is older (“We have lived our lives! You will live to be my age...”). Theoretically, an older person deserves respect: - for the fact that he took care of us and now has the right to count on reciprocal care; – Over the years, he acquired invaluable life experience. Thank you, of course, for your care - they cared as best they could (see about overprotective mothers) and really have the right to expect reciprocal support from us. Life experience is valuable if it makes a person wiser. But if once upon a time older people were, in essence, bearers of tradition passed on to the next, younger generations, then in our time this is far from the case. As for wisdom, most representatives of the older generation do not have it at all. Otherwise, where does the widespread idea of ​​older people being quarrelsome and grumpy come from? If something is gained, it is rather a resentment towards the whole world, combined with a never-ending desire to meddle in the lives of long-grown children. Wisdom involves expanding the picture of the world, taking into account extensive life experience. And therefore - greater flexibility and tolerance towards others, based on knowledge of people, understanding that we are all different from each other, and respect for individuality. At the same time, everything cannot be attributed to age-related changes - if this were so, similar changes would occur as they age with all people, with rare exceptions. But these exceptions are actually not so rare. In general, a grown-up participant in problematic parent-child relationships in any case faces a difficult task - not to turn into a victim of parental complexes or, even worse, a conscious victim. (It’s not my fault, it’s all mom and dad! - coming from a hefty idiot, it sounds, at least, funny.) All the rest - unworked, left to the mercy of fate - options promise little good for a person.