What is treason?
There is no article in the civil code “Adultery”. Why is that? Because in every family, the spouses themselves must agree on what is considered cheating.
Most often, sexual contact with a non-spouse is considered cheating.
Aggravating circumstances can be relationships that have arisen on the side. That is, a situation where emotional connections and affection arise between a lover and his mistress. After all, simply having sex does not guarantee that a relationship will arise between a man and a woman. Yes, yes, don't be surprised. But this does not mean that one-time sex is not cheating. It all depends on the agreements of the spouses.
There is also micro-betrayal. An accidental kiss, for example. I sometimes hear stories like this: “We had a fight. And then he went to a corporate party and kissed an employee there / I went to a corporate party and kissed a colleague there.” Contact, even if it's not sexual, matters.
Many people also consider flirting to be cheating. Whether flirting is classified as micro-cheating is a controversial issue. In my opinion, it all depends on intentions. If one of the spouses flirts with a stranger in order to develop a relationship secretly from the second spouse, then this can be considered micro-cheating. If flirting is a game to maintain self-confidence and no contact is allowed, including virtual contacts related to sex and a person’s sexual reaction, then this is a game. A game played by adults. But this game does not threaten the family and the relationship of the spouses. It allows you to value relationships. To better understand what kinds of betrayals there are, the article What are the types of betrayals and betrayals in the family will help you?
The main signs of betrayal
Although the style of betrayal itself, like the style of love, is different for everyone, there are several common “tattoos” that will help you find out how faithful your partner is. The following signs can serve as indicators of fidelity:
1.
For some reason, he (she) has been working a lot lately, even on weekends; such feats of work have never been seen before. Should I call you at work? Although the boss may be “on board” and everything is discussed with his subordinates, in particular the answers to such calls...
2.
For as long as you have lived together, you have had a common email address (but this is not at all necessary; for many, such a move is simply incomprehensible). And now one of the family members has got separate electronics. And he (she) comes to the computer much more often. This could be a clear sign of cheating.
3.
The mileage traveled by the car of the “second half” has increased significantly. In what fields does he carry it (the car)?
4.
At home, he (she) does not part with his mobile phone, even in the bathroom. Previously, both phones were always lying on the coffee table. Now one of them seems to have begun to be hidden. This is almost a 100% sign of betrayal.
5.
Lately, the “other half” has been behaving somewhat strangely. Maybe he's tired at work? You try to talk - every time the answer is the same: “It seems to you.”
Perhaps new words appeared in his vocabulary or he became interested in something completely out of character for him. But first, check if this is related to work or friends.
6.
Textbook calls to a landline phone appeared: you - “Hello!”, you get a dial tone. These are also signs of betrayal.
7.
Another textbook observation: one of the family members lost interest in this matter... Well, almost lost it. Well, everyone has such periods. But not to that extent?
8.
Every time it does happen (now you almost have to ask for it on your knees), all sorts of new “tricks” are widely used. Everything is very cool, everyone will like it, but who taught it and where?
9.
My dear soulmate has recently been chronically forgetting her wedding ring at home. Strange forgetfulness, because he has not yet complained of senile sclerosis. Most likely, this is a sign of betrayal.
10.
If he suddenly decides to go to the birthday party of mutual friends alone, this is also a reason for reflection. Here we will also write down his efforts to protect you from certain people - such selectivity may mean that the acquaintances with whom he does not allow you to see are aware of his affair on the side.
He says: “You know, sometimes I want to be alone, take a walk in the park, sit with friends (girlfriends) in a bar. Isn't this normal? It's okay, my joy. But only if you are really walking alone or sitting with friends (in the female case, with girlfriends).
If at least five points coincide, it makes sense to think about it, but you shouldn’t make hasty conclusions...
Why do people cheat?
There are many reasons for adultery. I will list the most important ones.
The most important reason for betrayal is a relationship crisis. A crisis is a turning point. When family life no longer nourishes a person, but, on the contrary, takes away strength. Outwardly, everything can be fine and smooth. But within the family there is a feeling that somehow everything is sad, “the balls are not happy.”
The relationship between husband and wife has exhausted itself, some changes, “new resources” are needed. In a good way, at this stage it is necessary to “reveal” grievances, fears, complexes, and look for new support for family life. But this is more difficult than telling yourself: “That’s it, love has passed, it’s time to look for new love.” It's easier to have a love affair. But breaking off a previous relationship lacks the courage and responsibility. Therefore, against the background of marital relations, betrayal occurs.
If the old love really is gone, then it is fair and just to end the marital relationship, and only then start a new one. But not everyone can react to such behavior.
A few words about other reasons for betrayal:
- Increased libido of one of the spouses.
When one wants, the other doesn't want. At all. Five times a day - no way. It happens. In this case, “random connections” arise. Increased libido cannot be the basis and justification for betrayal.
- Broken self-esteem
Sometimes low self-esteem pushes a person to constantly test his “abilities” with “outside” connections. In this case, the cause of betrayal is not a family crisis, but a personal one.
- Narcissism.
If your partner is a narcissist, then it is better to run away from such a relationship, no matter how sad it is to say. Becoming a victim of someone else's narcissism forever is a fate that you wouldn't wish on anyone.
Read more about the reasons for cheating in the article Why do men cheat?
Why do women cheat?
In the case of the fair sex, everything is a little simpler. They usually have only three reasons for cheating, and the first of them is lack of attention from their spouse. Every woman wants to be loved, beautiful and desired, but after a long relationship, partners usually stop complimenting and giving gifts. The wife develops depression, and in order to make sure of her own attractiveness and get a dose of positive emotions, she goes to another man.
The second reason is women's emotionality. When feelings for a regular partner fade a little, and a handsome stranger or work colleague meets on the way, women confuse the desire for novelty and fleeting love with true love. They rush into the maelstrom of feelings and forget about their husband next to their new lover, but such romances often end in bitter disappointment.
Women who have experienced betrayal by a regular partner often act in the same way for reasons of revenge. The blow caused by the betrayal of a loved one can be too strong, and revenge brings temporary relief. True, this does not solve the problem, but only aggravates it, and in almost 100% of cases leads to a rupture.
How to prevent betrayal?
My clients include couples in “open marriages.” That is, in their relationship, sex with someone else is allowed. Both spouses have the right to this. But even in such marriages, the concept of “betrayal” exists.
For example, if sex happened with a mutual friend. Or - in the marital bed. What do you think causes cheating?
For example, one of the spouses grew up in a family where one of the parents cheated on the other, and the other did not know anything about it or pretended not to know. The whole family lived a quiet life. Our hero is firmly convinced that it is possible to cheat if the second spouse does not know anything.
Cheating is breaking the rules. To understand whether the rules have been broken or not, you need to draw them up. That is, at the very beginning of a relationship, when you just decide that you want to be together, you need to discuss your attitude towards betrayal. What is considered treason? What is not considered treason? We need to develop general answers to the questions. If one spouse does not agree with the other, it is impossible to build a family. Because this topic will definitely become a stumbling block later.
Another situation is that one spouse has been unhappy in marriage for a long time, but the other does not notice this. To any attempts to talk there is an answer: “You have problems, you solve them!” Well, the spouse solves these problems on his own and finds support outside the marital relationship.
This is a big mistake. Because there are practically no personal problems in the family. Even an age crisis is a problem that affects the whole family.
To prevent cheating, you need to talk about what makes you happy in your relationship. I don't mean talking about, "Are you cheating on me?" No. We are talking about other issues. “Do you feel good with me? You are happy)?"
Lack of warmth and understanding
Women are more sentimental creatures. Sex as such is of little interest to them; the feelings it can bring are much more important. If you believe the science of relationship psychology, in a family where spouses devote little time to each other, the woman is the first to begin to feel lonely.
And this greatly torments her soul. And if initially she tries to find salvation in children, then over time this becomes a very heavy burden. And if such a woman meets a man along the way who is able to understand and support her, then she will most likely step over all prohibitions and surrender to a new impulse of passion.
Therefore, for a woman, adultery is, first of all, a way to feel loved and desired again.
How to understand if there is cheating?
One of the most pressing questions: “How to find out if your husband is cheating? Is your wife cheating?
If you have been married for a long time, then, as my clients say, “I felt something.” Yes, actually. After all, we are getting used to each other. We read signals at the level of intuition. Or – at the level of body language. We are not aware of what we see. But we feel it.
If betrayal occurs, a person’s behavior changes. He may become more irritable. More attentive to appearance. More secretive.
But maybe nothing will change. I know of cases where for many years the wife had no idea about her husband’s infidelity. Until the mistress herself told.
Therefore, you can only find out about the fact of betrayal from the spouse himself. Only if he confesses. And we'll talk about this below.
Is it worth saying that you know about treason?
The answer here is ambiguous. There is an opinion that if you say something about treason, the unfaithful person will come to his senses. Often it's quite the opposite. Once the fact of betrayal is revealed, the spouse realizes that nothing can be fixed in the marriage. Since everything has become known, we must take the decisive step and get a divorce.
Therefore, before deciding on the question: “Are you cheating on me?”, it is worth considering the further development of events. Here are some sample options.
- The husband denies cheating and says that you created your own problems.
- The husband says that he is cheating, which he has been wanting to say for a long time, but since you found out, yes, he is leaving for someone else. Right now.
- The husband says that you were mistaken, but he actually hasn’t been feeling well lately and is ready to talk about it.
You understand that the third option is what you want. But in practice I have never met him. But the first and second ones are very close. Are you ready for them? If not, then prepare yourself first.
How to survive betrayal?
First, I’ll say the most important thing - you can survive betrayal. Moreover, the phrase “a good leftist strengthens a marriage” is, of course, nonsense. But sometimes cheating actually reveals relationship problems. Overcoming these problems makes the family much stronger.
The hardest thing about surviving betrayal is rebuilding trust. This process is facilitated by a new ritual, during which the spouses make new vows. In addition, it is important to confirm over and over again that you can trust. It will take a long time for trust to return. But it will come back. Read the article on how to restore trust in a relationship.
But you won’t be able to forget about the betrayal. She shouldn't be forgotten. We need to draw conclusions and move on with our lives.
The situation is complicated by the constant desire to remember and “savor” unpleasant details. This desire is worth fighting. Including with the help of a professional psychologist.
There are many stages in the process of experiencing infidelity. Read more about them in the article How to survive betrayal?
