How to recognize a perverted narcissist
Recognizing a narcissist can be quite difficult
.
However, it is even more difficult to stop communicating with him when he has already spread his networks. The best tactic in a relationship with a perverted narcissist is not to start one
. Therefore, we will give some advice on what you should be wary of at the beginning of communication. These “symptoms” and signs are not unique to narcissists, but your goal is not to make a “diagnosis,” but to protect yourself from potential toxic relationships.
If you have any questions or doubts, consult a specialist!
So, you should be wary:
- Any manifestations of aggression and cruelty
on the part of a partner - towards subordinates, those who are physically weaker, towards animals, etc.
Feeling uncomfortable with this person
. Some victims note that at the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist they felt discomfort, but could not formulate for themselves what exactly it was associated with.
The desire to quickly consolidate relationships
marriage, calls to move to another city, etc.
Persistent attempts to break off relationships with family and friends
etc. The point is not that the narcissist himself does not want to communicate with them - the important thing is that he prevents his partner from doing this.
Excessive control
the partner’s actions, his appearance, etc., including
ignoring desires and plans
. At the beginning of a relationship, such attempts are quite modest and not always direct. For example, a narcissist knows that his crush is going to the movies with friends on Saturday, but he persistently asks him out and gets offended if she doesn’t agree to change plans. You should be especially wary if you realize that the control on the part of a potential partner covers more and more areas and is becoming stronger.
Denying your partner's feelings, shifting the blame onto him
. As a reminder, perverted narcissists are “known” for turning situations upside down and making the victim feel guilty. If someone tells you that you are confusing everything, nothing like this happened, you are screwing yourself up and in general you are to blame for everything - this is a reason to think.
Attempts to manipulate a partner
. In a good, healthy relationship there is no room for manipulation. Learn how to recognize them and counter them.
To reduce the chance of dealing with a perverted narcissist, work on your self-esteem.
About perverted narcissists and their victims
The peculiarity of perverted narcissists is that they select as victims quite bright personalities of beautiful, smart, interesting people.
.
And then, step by step they destroy their personality
until they realize that they can’t take anything more from it. It is with such narcissists that stories are associated when once full of life, bright and flourishing people, as a result of long-term communication with a narcissist, found themselves completely exhausted, crushed, depressed and even resorted to suicide.
As a rule, the victim is a person who has lacked something during his life or in a previous relationship
and thinks he can get it from the narcissist. This can be a feeling of admiration from a partner, care, love, etc. Narcissists are quite good at finding their victims' weak points to use as bait. And they reveal their true colors much later.
It is important to remember that narcissism, including perverse narcissism, is a pathology, a personality disorder
.
The processes in our hero’s head may obey a completely different logic; he may develop cause-and-effect relationships that another person will consider absurd. For a narcissist, they will be quite logical. This should remind you once again: the disease cannot simply be re-educated, not all narcissists can control themselves, and even more so, narcissistic manifestations cannot be attributed to a complex character
.
Therefore, you should not expect them to go away on their own
.
Circle six Juicer
If you are still in the relationship despite the obvious destruction of your personality and health that occurred in the previous stage, then you move on to a new level of merciless abuse. The “juicer” will finally transform you from a person into a thing, a set of necessary functions.
First of all, your health will become completely unusable, which can be caused by dietary restrictions, refusal to buy medications or necessary care, insistence on pregnancy or abortion, not to mention the lack of basic help in running the home and raising children. Such neglect of a loved one (“neglect”) can take different forms – from deprivation of sleep and rest, overfeeding or underfeeding, forced changes in appearance, including operations, to driving one crazy and being placed in a psychiatric clinic. It is also quite possible to drive the victim to suicide.
In parallel with undermining your health, your narcissist will create threats to your safety, interfere with your work or creativity, harm your projects, extort money, publicly ridicule, induce you to engage in sexual practices that are unacceptable to you or cheat on you, and simply force you to do anything or everything. instead of him, simultaneously spreading vile gossip about you and converting your friends and acquaintances to his side.
The goal of the aggressor is to achieve complete control, as well as your complete isolation, to deprive you of a circle of support and the opportunity to ask for help.
You are given the image of a clingy neurasthenic, a pathological jealous person, a brainless fool and other inadequate people. Violence is taking increasingly savage forms, including deliberate damage to what is dear to you, including cruel treatment or even killing of your pets. The narcissist may also threaten you with serious harm or suicide. At this stage, leaving requires a huge amount of mental and physical strength, the ability not to succumb to threats or exhortations that will certainly follow the announcement of your departure.
Features of relationships
The most characteristic feature of a relationship with such a person is the inconstancy of emotions. Moreover, you will spend much more time “at the bottom” of the emotional field than at the top.
How do perverted narcissists feel when a woman cries? Did your boyfriend make you cry? Instead of support, he will suck all the juice out of you. It will make it clear: it’s your own fault. Both in the fact that he made you cry, and in the fact that you cry.
Sometimes, for the sake of love for great art, he may take pity on you (in order to repay you with interest next time).
Narcissists like breakups to be abrupt and ruthless. Of course, he won't leave you over the phone or text message. He will arrange a meeting at which he will bring out your emotions, and at the peak of this he will say his cherished words. And then, moving away, he will continue to watch how you suffer.
Do perverted narcissists return or are they “defectors”? Of course yes. There are usually two reasons for this: the same love for great art or the realization that there is still a lot left for them in your storehouse of resources.
How to survive a divorce with such a person?
Your most powerful weapon in this situation is awareness .
Most likely, it was his absence at some moments that led to this situation.
You must understand: you will never be happy with a narcissist. If he allows this to happen for a while, it will only be to pull back the emotional spring even further.
The following is also important: your children, if you already have them, will not feel good around him . At best, children will be a social attribute for him, further elevating his ego.
The narcissist loves no one but himself . He does not love and cannot love by definition.
One of the pillars of its value to you is the amount of resources you have already invested in it. It's like a slot machine that players don't quit even after losing everything. And they don’t give up precisely because they have already given him too much.
Charming and seductive in their youth, over time many narcissists slide into alcoholics. What's even more interesting is that their victims never stop idolizing them and are afraid of losing them.
Circle four Ice shower
This is the first direct act of aggression against you. Sudden, cruel, cynical and... unmotivated. The narcissist uses various techniques as an “ice shower”: sudden disappearance without explanation; causeless cooling; treason; total depreciation; disruption of any serious event or event, including a wedding; self-exposure (“leave me, I’m vicious to the core”), and possible physical violence. During the ice shower stage, the narcissist often uses gaslighting. –
making you doubt your own sanity when he denies what he said or did. Pinned to the wall by irrefutable evidence, he immediately “leaks the topic” and switches to analyzing your shortcomings.
In any case, the impression should be created that it is you and only you who are to blame for everything.
Often, an “icy shower” hits you immediately after a situation of special intimacy, sexual or simply emotional, as it seemed, complete mutual understanding. The “ice shower” is intended to scare the possible loss of a relationship and stimulate subsequent obedience.
When trying to stop this madness and break the connection, the narcissistic personality puts on a “sugar show” - asks for forgiveness, takes pity, for example, with health problems and vows not to do this again. It's just a manipulation that works well. They are simply incapable of sincere repentance, as you will see very soon.
Keep your distance
If you are married to a narcissist and have children, evaluate the impact that emotional abuse has on the children. If you can't leave and are forced to stay in the relationship, maintain your distance.
Spend as much time as possible separately to regain peace of mind and contact with reality.
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Psychological violence, recovery from abusers and narcissists, breaking up with an abuser, changing abusive behavior, self-esteem, relationships, loss of meaning, nice (comfortable) person syndrome, age-related crises, existential problems, loneliness, relationships “adult children - parents,” and more...
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Circle seventh Disposal
Not all victims reach this stage of a relationship with a narcissist; more often they leave earlier. Disposal overtakes those who are no longer able to escape, are completely devastated and are in an insurmountable dependence on the offender. In especially severe cases, the victim passes away either from a serious illness, or tired of suffering and committing suicide. Quite often, the aggressor leaves the victim in a difficult life situation, experiencing the death of a loved one, losing a job, or suffering from a serious illness. You are abandoned “forever”, leaving you in a state of severe depression, often between life and death.
At the same time, the narcissist will not hesitate to give you a farewell trick, for example, to grab all your savings.
Characteristic manifestations
- The narcissist tries to appear different from who he really is. He wants to be smarter and more beautiful. Cosmetic products are often used to improve one's appearance. When you go on social media and come across a narcissist's account, you can see photos showing a successful life. Although this is not true. At the same time, he will definitely edit his photos using special programs to improve his appearance. He tries with all his might to impress people, and often ends up deceiving him. Over time, the narcissist himself begins to believe in the invented image and does not agree with the reality of what is happening, which is a manifestation of schizophrenia.
- Bombast. He behaves like a sublime being and treats others like servants. Tries to stand out from other people in any way.
- It is his habit to humiliate. In this way, he increases his own self-esteem, his mood improves by humiliating others.
- Such a person is afraid to show his emotions, because he believes that this is the limit of weaklings. A narcissist may show some feelings, but do it for show, in order to increase his importance.
- Lack of ability to be a good listener. If a person knows how to listen, then he can sympathize and show patience. Narcissists do not have these properties. Such individuals interrupt the interlocutor when communicating, want to remain in the center of attention, and “me, me, me” is constantly heard in the conversation.
- Such an individual often exaggerates his achievements. He passes off even the smallest victories as the result of long work. Such a person does not mind boasting, and often boasts of external attributes that he did not even earn.
- Blaming other people. Such individuals do not resort to self-criticism. Therefore, at the slightest failure, they will blame everyone around, but not themselves.
- Obsession with power and success. When we talk about success, in this case the conversation is not about working on oneself, self-development, there is an external gloss. Such individuals will not be on an equal footing with other people, much less obey anyone.
We can conclude that such individuals are characterized by the presence of the following manifestations:
exaggerated sense of self-importance; preoccupation with fantasies of power, beauty, success, superiority; the expectation that he will be recognized, while no effort is made; the need to be constantly admired; using people to achieve their goals; exaggeration of achievements and talents; the need to be treated in a special way, to unquestioningly carry out his orders; unable or unwilling to recognize the needs of anyone other than oneself; arrogant, arrogant behavior;
envy of others, confidence that everyone envies him; heightened response to critical statements; complete confidence in your uniqueness; there is no compassion, the object does not feel guilty; expression of anger during conflict situations; fear of one's inferiority; boastfulness, demonstration of success; characterized by the presence of mercantile interests; focusing on the negative traits of other people, masking one's shortcomings.
No performances! Don't play a part in a narcissistic play.
Narcissists are true experts at dramatic performances. They have a real talent for first causing conflict and then retreating into the shadows and observing it as if they had nothing to do with what was happening.
A typical example: a narcissistic mother caused hostility and rivalry between sisters. She tried to push her daughters against each other, slandering each other. When the son did not want to choose a side in the conflict and drew his mother’s attention to her manipulations, she denied everything. The mother angrily stated that she had done nothing wrong and had nothing to do with her daughters’ quarrel. And to top it all off, she was offended by her son for being suspected of such a “terrible” act. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into such games.
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What allows you to suspect a perverted narcissist in a person?
Despite the fact that a perverted narcissist is an excellent malingerer, there are some details whose appearance in a partner’s behavior will allow one to suspect a potentially dangerous situation. Women should be wary of a man's desire for a hasty marriage or move. In addition, a narcissistic man will never admit guilt in breaking up with his ex-partner. He shifts all responsibility for the failed relationship onto her, blaming her for all the problems. Perverted narcissists, despite the fact that they usually monitor their reactions and behavior, sometimes miss the mark. Since by nature they are incapable of experiencing emotions, but only imitate “human” feelings, in unusual situations they can show reactions that do not fit into the norm. Sometimes friends and relatives of a perverted narcissist begin to experience psychosomatic disorders: sleep and eating disorders, dizziness, weight loss and other symptoms. Carefully hidden pathological envy can manifest itself in the narcissist's conversation in the form of aggressive reactions or statements towards the person he envies. Perverted narcissists often talk about moral principles, condemn other people, and sometimes take aloof poses that show silent reproach for their partner’s imperfections.
Methods used by people with this disease
The Wheel of Life Balance - what it is and how to work with it
The perverted narcissist has his own special tools in his relationship with the victim:
- Moral violence;
- Conflicting envy. The narcissist is envious of everything that others have, although he is convinced that everyone around him is envious of him;
- Inappropriate reaction to the success of loved ones. It doesn’t matter whether they are his own children or the chosen victim, the narcissist will never praise for success; on the contrary, he will find a reason to humiliate his interlocutor;
- Demanding attention only to oneself;
- Unquestioningly right;
- Contempt, condescension;
- No compromises, only strict correctness;
- Depreciation;
- Error control;
- Brainwashing.
Circle eight General cleaning
At this stage, the narcissistic personality restores his reputation, which could have been damaged during the Juice and Disposal period if you did not always agree to “wash dirty linen in public.” To discredit you, the narcissist will try to make you out to be hysterical, an alcoholic, or a psychopath.
He can quarrel with someone by starting baseless rumors, reveal your secrets that he forced you to reveal at one time, falsify something that presents you in an unfavorable light, declare you a tormentor and himself an unfortunate victim. Entering into open confrontation, unfortunately, is risky; you can suffer significant harm, even death.
What is he like in love?
A special delicacy of narcissists is to build a love triangle with equal sides.
And receive resources from both, of course. Males can have a whole harem, while women can have a whole Excel spreadsheet with men lusting after them.
The famous “closer-further” game is generally one of the bases of manipulation for narcissists. If there is a love triangle, you can play it endlessly.
Sometimes everything is so obvious that all sides of the triangle understand everything perfectly, but no one says anything. Or he says... losing a narcissist is even worse.
There is another variety of daffodils. Such people start a harem instead of a relationship. Women are not as close emotionally, but their number is impressive.
And everyone wants him, even if not through such martyrdom as the partner in the relationship. And the more they do for him, the more they want it.
Who are his victims?
Each of us has been a victim of a manipulator at least once.
Did we understand at that moment that we were being manipulated?
Hardly. Almost no one is immune from the effects of perverted narcissists .
More often than others, they become people with a large storehouse of resources, but a weak willingness to protect them.
A typical example is just good guys with a PhD, who, due to their inability to communicate with people, get out of life many times less than they could. But narcissists will get everything from these guys.
The process of pathology formation
In early childhood, primary narcissism, like innate self-love, is the norm. The child perceives himself and his mother as one whole and narcissistically turns his mother’s love towards himself. With normal child development, primary narcissism transforms into object love as it grows older. A healthy sense of self-love is the key to success in life, however, childhood narcissistic injury disrupts the normal formation of self-esteem and contributes to the development of personality disorders. The inability of parents to unconditionally love their child, to distinguish him from the crowd, to show a special attitude towards him leads to the fact that primary narcissism is transformed into an increased sense of self-rejection and shame. Such a person will subsequently try to prove to the world his super-importance in order to protect himself from unpleasant feelings and emotions. If a child is spoiled beyond measure, then primary narcissism will not be transformed into love for other people, but will acquire a hypertrophied regressive form, and an unfounded sense of omnipotence will remain in the absence of real skills. A deep sense of inferiority will lead to the formation of a personality disorder.
Treatment methods
Narcissistic personality disorder is most effectively treated through psychotherapy. People suffering from this disease rarely seek help themselves. In such a situation, only relatives who have noticed alarming symptoms can insist on treatment. During therapy, narcissistic injury and other childhood psychological problems that cause the disorder are identified.
A psychotherapist will teach you how to build relationships with people and take into account the opinions and feelings of others. Such a disorder requires long-term treatment, work on one’s self-esteem and personal qualities.
At the same time, ignoring the problem is fraught with consequences both for the people around him and for the narcissist himself. If he does not achieve the desired success, wealth and other goals, he may develop neurosis or depressive disorder. Pathological envy and a painful need for admiration deep down make such a person unhappy. And the inability to listen to others and a disdainful attitude towards people can put an end to a person’s career. For a perverted narcissist, intimate friendships and a happy marriage will be impossible if he does not cope with his personality disorder.
“In five years, I have published no more than ten stories on my blog from the perspective of men.”
— Does it happen that men suffering from abuse turn to you for help? Can you give examples?
“The men who write to me are mostly those who, with good reason, suspect that they are a narcissist. But those who have suffered both from women and in homosexual unions are also appealing. In the five years that I have been running a blog with anonymous stories on LiveJournal, I have published no more than ten stories there on behalf of men. And some of them are ambiguous, as I understand now that my knowledge about abuse has expanded significantly.
Of course, this does not mean that men do not suffer from abuse. Of course they suffer. And from pressure from parents, and from pressure from bosses... However, they have a lot of false shame to talk about it as openly as women began. And often they do not have the ability for introspection and self-understanding that many women have.
I in no way want to say that men are stupider, but the fact that their feelings and emotions are buried under a thick shell, under which it is difficult even for them to crawl, is, in my opinion, a fact. And these are the poisonous berries of raising boys under the motto “boys don’t cry, it’s not cool.”
Well, I’ll mention a trick that abusers sometimes use. A man writes me a story where he exposes himself as a victim of a narcissistic wife. But it’s difficult to hide the abuser’s “ears.” Then he hit her several times because she “deserved it” and “made it happen.” Then he tormented his mistress with “pauses” (that is, boycotts) in order to “see how much she would humiliate herself.” One such “Freudian slip” is enough to suggest with a high degree of probability what the true balance of power is.
Anyone can fall into abuse. But only a person with considerable personal problems, prone to codependency and masochistic attitudes can hang in it for a long time.
— What to do with the fact that with the words “abuse” and “toxic relationships” people can simply cover up their reluctance to change, stop being selfish and build family relationships? How do you understand that this is not self-deception and not escape, immaturity, or blaming everything on some “abuser”?
— The topic is very broad... And the answer, I think, is simple, in short. Anyone can fall into abuse. But only a person with considerable personal problems, prone to codependency and masochistic attitudes, can hang in it for a long time.
And, unfortunately, these are the majority of people. We receive this baggage from toxic parents and society, which form in us a distorted picture of the world, where love must be earned and suffered, where slamming the table and switching to the bass is “the behavior of a real man,” and being “wise and understanding” is a strategy “ the right woman." Where you always need to be “perfect” and “go through life laughing”, be “effective” and positive. Where talking about your desires is selfishness, rejecting bad treatment is “wanting too much.”
Therefore, often we really suffer abuse and cannot get out of it because of our immaturity. Is it possible for a child to solve such a problem?
But this does not change the fact that this immature person is indeed abused, suffers and needs, at a minimum, non-judgment. We really like to use the word “guilt”. There's just an itch to assign someone to blame. A woman publishes photos of beatings, and they immediately ask her: why are you doing this? You might think there is something for which you can beat a person. I believe that it is more humane and appropriate to talk about the misfortune, but not about the guilt of the injured person.
By the way, for many of my readers, it is the experience of serious abuse that becomes a powerful impetus for studying themselves and working with a psychologist. The process is long, often painful, but so many “powdered” abscesses and covered up scars are revealed that people really change a lot and come to psychological maturity.
How to get out of a relationship with a Narcissist
The key principle for leaving a relationship with a Narcissist is to cut off contact. Any. There is no need to try to explain, prove or help him.
If a bear attacked you from the forest, will you explain something to him? No
It is important for you to understand that, like a bear, Narcissus does not have what is capable of empathy and understanding of another on a physiological level
Whatever you try to convey to him, you are walking food for him and he will only look at you from the position of whether he can bite off something else from you.
Therefore, if you no longer want to be his food, run for your life. Stop contact completely. No happy birthday greetings, no “happy new year” text messages. Just cut him out of your life.
What to do with his persecution and attempts to return him?
Remember that the consequences of narcissistic abuse are comparable to the consequences of living with an alcoholic or the consequences of physical abuse. (Abuse = violence).
Therefore, no matter how hard the Narcissist tries to pursue and win you back (and he may even do this with the goal of leaving him later), hold tightly to the “no contact” rule.
If he is waiting for you at the entrance or from work, try to return with one of your friends. If he manages to catch you alone, just don't talk to him. Repeat like a broken record, “I don’t want to talk to you,” without showing any emotion.
Do not enter into arguments or showdowns, no matter how he provokes you. Any emotion you have will encourage him to take further action.
What to do if you inevitably need to communicate?
If you have children together, or you work together, or you have nowhere to move and have to temporarily continue to live in the same apartment, then what? Then remove communication in the previous role.
Together, communicate as a wife, communicate as a colleague. No personal displays. Just talking about business and nothing more.
Diagram of the relationship between a perverted narcissist and a victim
In most cases, narcissists use the following pattern of relationships with their victims. Conventionally, we divided it into three stages
.
Stage one
First, our hero demonstrates unearthly love
, showers the potential soul mate with gifts, admiration, compliments, says how wonderful, the most beautiful, a genius she is and how lucky he (the narcissist) is that she paid attention to him.
Some simply position themselves as attentive, reliable and ideal partners
- those who perfectly suit all the requirements and wishes of the victim. Others may, among other things, belittle themselves, describe their misfortunes, or something similar in order to evoke pity from a potential soulmate.
Thus the victim is hooked. Sometimes the narcissist tries to tie her tighter
– insists on getting married quickly, on moving to another city or to another country. However, these are optional conditions.
Stage two
When the victim has already fallen in love with the narcissist and/or it seems to her that their relationship has reached a certain stable level, at one point the narcissist suddenly changes his behavior
.
, anger, resentment, reproaches
and other negative emotions
emanate from him He can also use ignoring
- he stops communicating, calling or answering calls, keeping his victim in tension and in the dark.
There seem to be no external reasons or motives for such a change, but everything happens really suddenly, which additionally unsettles the victim. As a rule, in such situations, the victim thinks that the negativity/avoidance is caused by some kind of mistake
, that she somehow
offended her partner
. She feels guilty (although she may not understand why exactly), and is tormented by the unknown.
The hero of our story uses these feelings for manipulation and abuse
.
For example, one of the techniques is to make everything look like the victim is to blame. Actually, this is an important feature of how a perverted narcissist behaves - he turns the situation around so as to make the victim guilty: in his own eyes, in her eyes, in the eyes of those around them
.
Faced with such a “grievance” from the narcissist, victims try to fix everything (even though they may not understand what exactly). They try to please their partner in order to regain their affection. After the next antics, it may return - and here we have again a loving person, ready to do anything for the sake of his other half. Until the next change of mood.
Stage three
Then such swings are repeated again and again - from a bad attitude to a good one and back again. The periods of good relations are becoming shorter and shorter.
The narcissist humiliates his significant other, mocks her appearance, mental and physical abilities
.
If earlier he told her that she was beautiful, but he was not particularly beautiful, now everything is presented in a different light - he is the ideal of beauty, and she is far from it, so she is very lucky that he paid attention to her. Same with everything else. If victims begin to object and defend themselves, their words, feelings, memories are devalued and discarded
.
“Nothing like that happened”, “You are behaving very strangely!”, “Are you really at all?”, “Don’t make things up,” etc. Some narcissists also use physical force
- they beat their victims, making everything look like
it was her fault/asked for it
(and the victims really believe this).
Another form of abuse is ignoring
. This causes victims to stew in their doubts, insecurities, feel extremely lonely, rejected, etc. Other methods of influence and manipulation are also actively used.
breaks his victim step by step
. She really begins to doubt herself, even in those qualities that she was absolutely confident in before meeting the narcissist - be it appearance, talents, sense of humor, etc. and so on. She believes that she is to blame for the narcissist and must earn his favor by doing as he orders.
Victims also begin to have problems communicating with other people and at work.
etc.
As a rule, the narcissist limits the victim's social circle
, confining it only to himself. At the same time, he can turn everything around so that everyone from the outside will think what a wonderful and loving partner he is and how lucky the victim is to have him. Sometimes the narcissist turns the victim's loved ones against her so that she has literally no one left except him.
Physical and mental torture causes somatic diseases
, which gives even more reasons for abuse.
The end of the relationship
As we have already said, such stories can end very sadly. It’s good if the victim herself understands that she has reached the bottom and that this cannot continue. Leaving a narcissist is not easy
– he ties you to himself very tightly.
But even if the victim mentions this, the narcissist begins to swear eternal love, beg to stay, fall to his knees, and promise mountains of gold. At the same time, he can also say something like “Who needs such mediocrity anyway” or something more harsh. He may also threaten to harm himself or his victim, go directly to physical violence
(and make it look as if the victim asked for it and forced the narcissist to do this).
If she stays with him, our hero can actually change his behavior for a short time, but then everything returns to normal or gets even worse.
Unfortunately, for many victims of narcissists, the extreme point is some kind of extreme event, an immediate threat to life. Sometimes this is a signal not even for the victim herself, but for her loved ones, who pull her out of this toxic relationship. The narcissist himself can leave - if he understands that he cannot get anything more from his current passion.
Be that as it may, as a rule, after breaking up with a narcissist, the victim has to recover step by step with a psychologist, psychotherapist or psychiatrist
. This process usually takes quite a long time. Unfortunately, not everyone manages to fully recover.
Life stories
***
“I met a fantastic guy at university. I fell in love immediately. My girlfriends liked it almost as quickly. In general, everyone liked him. It seemed like the whole university knew him.
The happiness was short-lived. I understand this now, looking at the situation from a third person. When constant scandals and reproaches began, I still thought that I was happy - after all, everyone dreamed of being in my place.
Before I even received my diploma, I got married. The clouds kept getting thicker, the circle was closing, the noose was tightening. I supported him both emotionally and almost financially.
Only great luck with work, which allowed me to look at myself and him in a new way, helped to break this umbilical cord.
After the divorce, I felt as if I had amputated my own arms.
Now I only regret that I didn’t think with my head when I was 20.”
***
“I’ve always had trouble with girls, although I’m a handsome guy and, it seems, enviable. The first time I kissed was at graduation.
She appeared in my life at the beginning of my career. At the same time, I was studying in graduate school. Then it seemed to me that such girls shine only for born leaders or the sons of diplomats.
A month later we moved in together. That's where it all started. Now I was to blame for everything and owed everything. Everything, at once, always. At the same time, she herself did not want to meet any requirements.
I lived in the position of a soldier in a war: at any time of the day or night, you can expect new trouble. I spent the next year and a half in this emotional state. The suddenly increased interest in me from other women and my naturally clear head helped.
Now we don’t even communicate, although she regularly reminds us of herself with pings.”
Narcissists never became happy, harmonious, or personalities. How to deal with this is up to the narcissists themselves.
Their victims need, first of all, to look within themselves for reasons why they found themselves in problematic relationships.
And finally, it is worth taking responsibility for your life, growing up, and starting to solve your problems, including those of a psychological nature.
Can a perverted narcissist change? Maybe. If he is ready to change. The only way to initiate this is to leave the puppet-master relationship.
Relationships with a perverted narcissist:
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Methods of confrontation
How can a partner emerge victorious in the fight against a perverted narcissist? The essence of confronting a perverted narcissist is the final and irrevocable severance of the relationship. To resist the narcissist's antics, you will have to spend a lot of effort. In order to have enough personal resources to fight, you need to constantly maintain adequate self-esteem and self-respect.
How to recognize a perverted narcissist
Male and female perverted narcissism has a number of signs by which they can be identified:
- Such people love to dream about impossible things, but at the same time believe that they will succeed. What's remarkable is that narcissists constantly talk about their notorious success, but do nothing;
- Narcissists have no shame in talking about whose submission they prefer to themselves;
- They are ambitious, but only in words;
- Criticism is met harshly and negatively;
- The presence of complexes is hidden as deeply as possible, weaknesses are not admitted;
- They use people for their own purposes without any hesitation.
Attitude to the world and people
Strangers are confident that the person in front of them is wonderful and sane. Unaware of what is going on in his head, those around him praise him and envy his partner, believing that life with him is worthy. A perverted narcissist is in fact a hypocritical and deceitful person who is capable of deceiving the victim and further tormenting him mentally.
The perverted narcissist believes he is superior to everyone around him
Attitude towards yourself
The narcissist will find a dozen reasons for one problem with which he will blame his opponent, but he will never admit his guilt. Even if the mistake is obvious, the narcissist will resort to humiliation and insults, sometimes even physical violence against the victim, just to “prove” that he is right.
Traits of a Narcissist
Signs of a perverted narcissist in a woman are noticeable in her despotic attitude towards household members. Recently, this phenomenon is called “toxicity,” when a spouse, mother-in-law, mother-in-law and other representatives of family relationships harass other family members in every possible way. Female narcissism manifests itself in the fact that the lady is always dissatisfied with everything. In other words: didn’t do it – bad; did - bad; did well - there will still be a reason why it turns out to be bad.
Note! It is almost impossible to please such a household member. Sometimes you should try to ignore criticism, because it will come anyway
How to recognize it?
Contrary to the laws of popular psychology, only others can diagnose us and others. However, you can identify the signs that most likely point to a perverted narcissist yourself.
What are they?
- Exclusively negative statements about people who have been close for a long time (ex, friends, colleagues at previous places of work).
- Constantly shifting blame onto other people.
- When getting closer, introducing a state of constant tension (the state of “what else is he/she going to do now”)?
- The desire for extremely rapid convergence .
- Particular prudence in terms of other people's emotions. A narcissist can talk for a long time about how beautifully he punished someone, drove someone into hysterics, or put them in their place.
Female option
When in the United States they compared the testimony of witnesses to the same robberies, investigators came to an interesting conclusion: women always remembered the signs of the robber better, while men described the course of events in more detail.
Perhaps this is the fundamental difference in the perception of reality : women by nature are more focused on people, rather than on objects and phenomena.
Every woman is a little manipulative. In any case, a slightly better manipulator than a man.
In a relationship, such a woman will not just let you forget about herself. She will remind you of herself every minute - if not with her actions, then with their consequences.
You will immediately find yourself to blame for everything and owe everything.
The most interesting thing is that you yourself will begin to believe in it. Even get used to living with guilt.
And although you will most likely turn into her property, you will experience the feeling of losing her especially hard.
Once again: before you is an insidious manipulator who will take everything from you.
Male version
A man who is a perverted narcissist is even more dangerous. Men are less likely to be manipulators. Perhaps that is why they are the most skillful manipulators.
The classic perverse narcissist is a real graduate of pick-up artist courses.
First, he showers you with attention and gifts , leading you into real emotional ecstasy. Then he abruptly pretends to lose interest. Then it gives hope again. In this case, the last stage is cutting. From now on, you are on his emotional hook. Now you are at his mercy.
The further you go, the worse it will be for you to lose him. Especially considering how ideal and enviable he looks to both you and others. You'll pay a big price to have him around. And this price will continue to rise.
How to cure perverse narcissism
Narcissists are difficult to treat, because they themselves are not aware of their problem and consider themselves completely healthy. This personality disorder is most successfully corrected through regular psychotherapy sessions.
During the treatment process, it is important to identify the childhood trauma that led to a mental disorder, after which the psychotherapist will teach the patient to build normal relationships with other people and take into account the opinions and desires of others during communication. At the same time, careful work is done on the patient’s self-esteem and personal qualities.
Both individual and group methods of psychotherapy are widely practiced; the latter are considered more effective, because during them the patient learns to interact normally in society
At the same time, careful work is done on the patient’s self-esteem and personal qualities. Both individual and group methods of psychotherapy are widely practiced; the latter are considered more effective, because during them the patient learns to interact normally in society.
If the patient shows signs of increased anxiety and aggression, he is prescribed a course of antidepressants, and in severe cases, antipsychotics. Such drugs can correct the patient’s mental state, but they are prescribed in strictly defined dosages, and the duration of treatment is determined by the doctor. Uncontrolled use of drugs can lead to many side effects.
What happens if treatment is not started in a timely manner? Over time, such a disease will progress, gradually the person loses all personal and professional connections (the desire for uncontrolled leadership and the inability to listen to other colleagues puts an end to professional activities). In this regard, a person develops neurosis, he feels deeply unhappy, depressive moods appear, and in some cases, suicidal thoughts. If you do not help such a person, he will completely abstract himself from society.
Thus, perverted narcissism is a rather severe mental disorder in which a person shows a tendency to narcissism and idealization of his own personality, as well as a desire to manipulate and suppress the desires of other people. In most cases, this condition is treated on an outpatient basis, through regular sessions of individual and group psychotherapy. The exact nature of the treatment is determined by the attending physician, depending on the condition and personality characteristics of the patient.
- Passive-aggressive personality disorder
- Eccentric personality: what is it, signs
- Narcissism as a psychological disease: symptoms, treatment
How to deal with a perverted narcissist
For a woman looking for the reasons for sudden changes in the character of her chosen one, a query on the search network “perverse narcissist signs of a man” makes one big discovery - it is not she who is to blame for all the troubles, but it is this person.
Note! The surest way is to leave such a toxic person.
Methods of confrontation
There are a number of ways to confront a narcissist:
- Realize the fact of the presence of this trait in a person and, taking advantage of this, try not to be offended, not to succumb to manipulation;
- Strengths of the victim. They exist, it is important to accept them and use such a valuable tool;
It is important for the victim to realize his own strength, then he will be able to look at the situation differently
- Minimize contact with the narcissist. If these are relatives, it won’t hurt to move out from under the common roof, not to succumb to manipulations and demands (as well as threats) for a meeting, to reduce communication on social networks, by phone;
- Search for benefits. Even in communication with a narcissist who skillfully probes the character of the victim, the latter can actually learn something new about himself;
- A mild form of narcissism will also help you learn to better understand other people.
Methods of psychological treatment
It is noteworthy that the victim will have to consult a psychologist, since the narcissist is comfortable being such a person. Yes, you can consult a specialist, but the treatment of narcissism, if effective, will take a long time, sometimes with drug intervention, although this will only dull the symptoms.
Considering that a perverted narcissist approaches people with a soft character, it is easier for him to break them, yet the latter have a real chance to resist such shackles. First of all, you should feel sorry for yourself. If a perverted narcissist threatens suicide or violence, the victim needs to overcome this fear and leave as quickly as possible. After this, it is important to contact a specialist so that the process of restoring a broken psyche begins faster.
In fact, narcissism has milder forms when the person can still be reached. There are also pathologies in which the victim reveals himself to be an outright psychopath. When dealing with a perverted narcissist, fear comes to the fore when the victim does not have the right to choice and voice. Her attempts to leave end with the narcissist's threats of violence or suicide. Once the victim understands what he is dealing with, he is able to look at the situation differently. There is even a small chance of correcting the narcissist's destructive nature.
Causes of the disorder
There is no specific list of reasons that contribute to the development of perverted narcissism in people, only guesses. It is believed that manifestations of such an attitude towards loved ones arise against the background of psychological traumas and complexes suffered in childhood. A mother’s failure to accept her own child, projecting negativity onto him, as well as deprivation of attention and proper care have a very detrimental effect on a person in his further development. Either the situation was the opposite, when the child lived in permissiveness, did not tolerate punishment, or other family members immediately pitied him (the mother scolded him, the grandmother took pity and vice versa).
Individual signs of a perverted narcissist among women are identified. In the family she is the dominant one, preaching total control
It doesn’t matter whether it’s the husband, children or daughter-in-law - everyone comes under crushing criticism, during which the narcissist woman goes over in detail all the mistakes and shortcomings of the victim. In the case of children, she does this so skillfully that they are seriously convinced that this is how it should be, but in adult life they turn out to be untenable individuals
Otherwise, a narcissistic woman is capable of tormenting her opponent so that, at best, he will run away from home.
Sometimes running away is the best option
Perverted narcissism in a man has signs that include complete suppression of the victim. If there is a woman nearby, then, in the narcissist’s opinion, she does everything badly, looks bad, talks too much and allows herself too much, given that the victim is often afraid to make an independent movement. A man suppresses all a woman’s desires, her craving for communication, but in such a way as if the victim herself was striving for this. Often a man uses hands; if children appear in such a family, then they too will suffer. It is noteworthy that in public a man is charming, eloquent, and able to make a woman pretend that everything is wonderful in their life.
Features of the disorder
Perverted narcissism is a phenomenon very similar to examples of domestic violence. A person with elements of this disorder has contradictory character traits. At first, he is a charming character, capable of seducing people with a certain mindset, namely the so-called “rescuers.” A narcissist will never seek attention from a strong or even cruel person, in other words, a tyrant. But people with low self-esteem will be driven to extremes by a perverted narcissist.
Note! The concept of perverse narcissism is similar to so-called toxic people.
Stories from the lives of eyewitnesses (victims of narcissists) agree that the latter are some kind of moral perverts. Thus, having achieved attention, favor, and, most importantly, the trust of the victim, the perverted narcissist sharply cools off, ridicules and humiliates the person who trusted him.
