Anxious anticipation and some fears regarding the first sexual contact are familiar to everyone: both boys and girls. This phenomenon is completely normal, but fear of sex is not always limited only to a tender age. In adulthood, this phenomenon takes on more severe forms and in many cases forces one to completely eliminate sexual contact.
The sexual revolution that has thundered throughout the world, it would seem, has accustomed everyone to the idea of the need for sex and the incredible sensations that can be obtained with its help. Some people are so afraid of him that they do not even allow thoughts about possible intimacy. Medicine and psychology unanimously declare that the perception of sex and the fear of it in itself are not characteristic of human nature, therefore they can rightfully be classified as painful phenomena.
Morbid fear of this kind, however, is observed in almost 15% of people across the planet. And here we are talking only about those people who addressed their fears to representatives of official medicine. But how many people suffering from phobia remained “in the shadows”? No one knows this, just like the true number of people who are afraid of sex.
Why does sex anxiety occur?
It is characteristic that genophobia (the official name for fear of sex) is inherent not only in women (as numerous jokes on this topic do not forget to remind), but also in men. The most basic reason for the appearance of such fear is a problem of a psychological nature. If this is so, then the person avoids not only sexual intercourse itself, but also any mention of it, including conversations about sex or erotic lingerie on store shelves.
All psychologists clearly speak of a certain difference between male and female fears, therefore, it is quite natural that their symptoms and manifestations will also differ.
Fears of lovely ladies2
It has already been scientifically proven that the roots of genophobia are laid at the genetic level. As a rule, from the moment the first menstrual cycle begins, a girl begins sex education (in most cases, her first teacher is her own mother). If the parent herself adheres to an ascetic lifestyle, she will instill in her daughter from a young age the idea that sexual intercourse is something shameful and painfully unpleasant.
Getting used to this idea, a girl begins to fear sexual contact long before meeting her first partner. Therefore, when the moment of first intimacy approaches, she is so psychologically tense that she simply cannot relax. This is precisely the essence of sex anxiety. The vaginal muscles, constrained due to tension, do not want to allow the partner’s penis into them, and psychological tension interferes with the release of natural lubrication - all this in combination leads to the fact that instead of pleasure, the girl receives severe pain.
In some cases, the pain is so severe that in the future it does not allow the girl to continue the existing relationship or enter into a new one. Here a strong connection is established between the discomfort from the first sexual experience and her relationships with men in the future. But an unsuccessful first sexual intercourse is far from all the reasons that can lead to a person developing a fear of sex.
Fear of first sexual experience
Being afraid before your first sexual intercourse is a completely natural feeling . In medicine, there is a special term “primisodophobia”, which refers to the fear of losing virginity .
Causes of primaisodophobia:
- first of all, fear of the unknown , of possible failure;
- lack of experience does not increase self-confidence;
- physical discomfort : pain, blood, and so on;
- fear that the man, having received everything he wanted, will now end all relations with the girl;
- condemnation and warning of parents who interpret sex as a base, shameful and forbidden activity;
- lack of trust in a partner.
Attention! The causes of a phobia can be purely individual. For example, every girl imagines her first time as a particularly romantic evening, and if reality doesn't match reality, she can get scared.
Or the girl doesn’t really want to part with her innocence, but simply follows the advice of her friends and the persuasion of her boyfriend. In the latter case, fear is caused by the girl's unpreparedness for her first intimacy with a man .
Main reasons3
The inexperience and rudeness of the first partner, of course, are of great importance in the further development of attitudes towards sex. But the following reasons are no less important:
- Unpleasant scenes associated with sex experienced in childhood or adolescence;
- The subconscious connection of sex with a dirty activity that should be ashamed (often this connection is formed by overly pious parents);
- Fear of contracting sexually transmitted diseases;
- Fear of unwanted pregnancy;
- Shock in childhood associated with one of the parents of the opposite sex. For example, father or mother left the family, cruelty and beatings (in most cases by fathers).
- Painful sensations during sexual intercourse.
In the latter case, diseases of the genital and reproductive organs (inflammatory processes or infections) are quite possible. Considering this, you should under no circumstances put off going to a gynecologist or urologist.
Women's fears4
It is completely in vain that many people associate a woman’s reluctance to share a marital bed with her husband with fatigue, whims, or even frigidity. It turns out that almost a third of sexually mature women are simply afraid of sexual contact. Experts call such female fears “erotophobia.”
In it, however, as in the appearance of any other phobias, it is all to blame for the subconscious, experienced psychological trauma, which to one degree or another was associated with sex. In some cases, inexperienced girls may avoid sex solely because people simply tend to be afraid of everything unknown. This fear goes away immediately after the young “coward” finds herself in the hands of a skilled and experienced partner for the first time.
If the fear of stress accompanies a woman into adulthood, it is considered abnormal, indicating the presence in the person’s subconscious of negative attitudes that assure her that sex life is humiliating, shameful and can only bring pain. Such formulations can be caused by numerous circumstances. Of course, the moment of loss of virginity occupies the palm here, especially if it was accompanied by particularly painful sensations. Such a bad experience can forever cement the association between the words “sex” and “pain,” and it is they that lead to the fear of sex.
Rape has an equally detrimental effect on attitudes towards sex. Severe humiliating stress is remembered for a long time, and such psychological trauma can accompany a woman throughout her life. Only an experienced psychologist can save a woman from the severe consequences of rape. It is very difficult to force the subconscious not to include memories of a terrible event with every male touch, even if it is filled with extraordinary tenderness and affection.
When discussing how fear of sex appears, we cannot ignore the characteristics of children’s upbringing. Even parents who are not puzzled by excessive asceticism or fanatical faith try to instill in girls the idea that sex is not one of the “good” activities. In most cases, they do this because they are afraid that their daughter will become sexually active too early. But it also happens that the mother or grandmother simply never enjoyed their intimate life. So it’s not surprising what good things they can pass on to their heirs in this case.
There are also cases (they can be considered exceptional) when the father interferes in his daughter’s sex education, with the same talk that sex is bad. To some extent, they can even be understood, because they are simply, on a subconscious level, jealous of their brainchild for a stranger.
By and large, regardless of which parent instilled in the child thoughts about the shamefulness of sex, the fact remains that sex becomes a threatening factor for an older woman. Such ladies, even after marriage, tend to minimize the fulfillment of marital duty. Ideally, it would be for them to copulate only a few times in their lives, and then only to produce the planned number of children.
We must not forget that the fear of sex will never leave a woman if her sexual contacts are accompanied by rudeness. Hurtful words casually thrown at her are also dangerous:
- You can't do anything in bed;
- You are like a log;
- How disgusting it is to sleep with you.
After some time, a man may completely forget about the words uttered in anger, but a woman will remember them for many months, and sometimes even years. Here, a man is in no way saved by justifying his actions with anger or a bad mood.
After such words, she begins to feel humiliated and useless to anyone, so, along with the fear of discovering cellulite in front of her husband from nowhere, a fear of sex in all its manifestations appears.
First time anxiety
Name : Anastacia
Hello everyone) I am 19 years old. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. We have a very good relationship - we get along, our interests, one might say, completely coincide, he is very sensitive and attentive. He has already proposed to me, and I feel that this is really my man, the one to whom I want to give children and live together into old age) I am being raised by my mother, she has very high religious beliefs, so I think this is normal, that I am a virgin at 19 years old. I never thought that you should jump into bed with a guy on the slightest whiff of attraction. My problem is this. My boyfriend has a very high sexual appetite. Even if, while we are not having sex, he shows his passion only in kisses or caresses, but I myself am not distinguished by some kind of frigidity. As he says, he always wants me, even if it sounds like a joke. He doesn't force me to have sex at all. Over these two years, I finally realized that I can trust him, but here’s the problem: 1. I’m afraid of pain. I know that it’s possible to endure all this, but the situation is such that even putting my finger in there is already painful. Some incomprehensible painful and unpleasant sensation appears. That is why my boyfriend stops once again, afraid of damaging anything at all. It’s worth saying that he has an impressive penis size, so I’m doubly scared. 2. I had my first cycle at the age of 11, I was always different from other girls. I was taller, slimmer, more curvy. Guys older than me always ran after me, just like now. When I was 12, a neighbor boy, who was already 17, ran after me very persistently. It was no secret to anyone that he had already slept with girls. And he saw only one thing in me, he always confused me and thought that I was 15-16. Everything would be fine, but his impulses - even simple hugs, touching my legs or attempts to kiss me - were always stopped, but from then on I began to be afraid of men. Anything at all. After I left this city and this boy forever at the age of 13, I dated guys. I went on dates with them, but as soon as the guy went beyond simple friendship - he tried to hug or kiss - I immediately left him. And these are my 2 problems. I unlearned the habit of leaving guys. I trusted my current boyfriend right away. I just started dating my best friend, who is more interested in my mental qualities than my physical ones. But as soon as it comes to bed, I get all tense and start to be afraid. For no apparent reason, although I completely trust my man in this matter.. Help, please, what should I do? I no longer remember about that guy who once approached me, he somehow showed up in my life when I was 16, he was 21, tried to talk me into a meeting, for sex, but I immediately rejected him, no thinking. Everything seems fine, but am I really not able to overcome these childhood fears? Thanks in advance to everyone who responds))
Similar
Why are men afraid5
If among representatives of the weaker half of humanity the fear of sexual life is exclusively of psychological and physiological origin, then men are characterized by a combination of psychological and emotional factors. Thus, the most common reasons for turning to a psychologist are:
- Childhood and adolescence spent in the company of an oppressive mother or grandmother. This contributes to the formation of a persistent fear of the female sex and, accordingly, of any form of relationship, including sex;
- Fear of failure in bed. This subconscious fear of sex is directly related to the fear of not satisfying a woman in bed. It can be aggravated by the fact that he has already been ridiculed once and, accordingly, humiliated by his partner.
- A man’s low self-esteem in itself does not allow him to relax and enjoy his intimate life;
- Sexual failures in previous relationships;
- Inability to open up to your partner and express your true feelings.”
- Panic fear of blood prevents a man from starting intercourse due to the fact that he is afraid of the onset of his critical days at this very moment;
- Fear of intercourse with a virgin due to reluctance to hurt her.
It will be right
Before having sex with a new partner for the first time, it doesn’t hurt to prepare a little - this will add confidence to you and help your boyfriend worry less. So, it will be useful to do the following:
Get yourself in order - get a manicure, pedicure, hair removal, put on beautiful underwear... This will help you be less nervous about your appearance when it comes to the “main thing”. If you still have a complex, turn off the lights and close the curtains. You can leave a night light or light candles (it’s even better - it’s more romantic), and dim lighting will veil imperfections. Particularly shy people may resort to additional methods of “disguise.” For example, if you are embarrassed by the shape of your breasts, don't take off your bra right away. Are you afraid that your partner will notice the folds at your waist? Buy a corset - your waist will be aspen. Want to hide stretch marks on your thighs? Put on stockings.
Article on the topic
Bed standards. Is there such a thing as an ideal relationship?
Drinking a glass of wine with your chosen one will allow you to relax and get rid of the feeling of awkwardness. After all, it’s not only you who are embarrassed and worried about how “everything will go,” but your partner too. But just a glass, no more! Otherwise, you will relax so much that it won’t come to love at all.
Be understanding if your boyfriend has problems below the belt, for example, his erection fails at the most crucial moment. Pretend that nothing bad happened. By the way, this is actually the case: men have misfires from excitement and an excess of emotions. Give him time to get used to you. If an embarrassment occurs, do not focus on it, try to distract the gentleman. But rush to console him: “Don’t worry, next time you will definitely succeed!” - no need. Firstly, he will feel awkward (men do not like to discuss this topic, especially with women). Secondly, he will decide that a real catastrophe has occurred, since you are so zealously trying to calm him down. And then there may not be a next time.
What suffers from love? Rating of sex injuries
More details
Main features6
Of course, when talking with a potential sexual partner over a cup of coffee, it will be difficult to determine whether she (he) is afraid of sex. However, there are two signs that make you think and take a closer look at the person:
Absolute refusal of all conversations on erotic topics, not to mention sex itself;
Promiscuous sex life – strange as it may seem, frequent changes of partners are typical for people who are afraid of sex. More precisely, they are afraid not of physical intercourse itself, but of the trusting relationship to which it leads.
Fear of having sex
Sexual fears, according to psychologists, are considered a type of mental disorder and cannot be ignored. Phobia fear of sex in scientific language sounds like coitophobia or sexophobia, and it describes the psychological or physical fear of sexual intercourse. If you do nothing, the situation may worsen, which will cause the emergence of various complexes. There are a number of reasons that lead to the formation of phobias:
- Childhood psychological trauma
. According to statistics, many girls and boys faced various forms of violence in childhood. - Strict upbringing
. There are cases when parents tell their children about sex as something bad, thereby fostering an aversion to intimacy. - Unsuccessful previous experience
. A large number of people often concentrate on negative memories, which becomes the cause of complexes and phobias. - Diffidence
. According to surveys, many girls were afraid of sex due to complexes related to appearance, for example, excess weight, stretch marks, cellulite, and so on. - Fear of getting pregnant or contracting an STD
. The cause is common among both sexes.
What psychologists say7
In order to minimize the possible consequences of fear of sex ruining your personal life, the following recommendations should be followed:
- Intimate intimacy can only be permissible after the partners begin to trust each other and achieve some kind of psychological unity;
- Fears of contracting sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancy can be eliminated by using a regular condom;
- The attitude towards the fears of one of the partners should be perceived as a common problem that requires mutual solution.
- Before sexual intercourse, you can drink a light sedative or a small amount of alcohol (the main thing here is not to overdo it).
Of course, if you internally feel the presence of animalistic, irresistible fear, you cannot do without the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist. This is especially true in cases where there were previously psychological traumas, especially if there was physical violence or severe psychological complexity. In such cases, attempts at self-treatment will lead to the exact opposite result and will further aggravate the situation, taking root in the subconscious.
If the reason for the fear of intimate contact is solely the presence of painful sensations during sexual intercourse, you cannot do without visiting a gynecologist. We should not forget that untimely treatment or even its complete absence can lead to extremely unpleasant consequences.
To summarize, we can say that it is completely in vain in society to believe that in a man’s head, when meeting an interesting woman, only one single thought is constantly hovering - how to quickly get her into bed. Not at all, and the perpetual obsession with sex is only attributed to men by the media. In fact, many of them are no less afraid of sexual contact than their companions.
So, the only correct advice is that in order for the fear of sex to leave your personal life forever, you should love and respect your partner, build a trusting relationship with him, and then, definitely, the couple will be able to overcome all their mutual fears.
