What to do if your husband leaves: 3 scenarios for the development of events and how not to lose yourself in such a situation

If your husband left the family, this is not a reason to become hysterical and think that life is over. There are correct behavioral tactics that will help you avoid stress and solve the problem with dignity. We will share it in this article. You will learn why spouses leave their wives, how to react to the desire to file for divorce, and how to behave when breaking up. You will also decide what to do after the breakup of a marriage, whether it is worth returning the departed man and how to do it competently. You will find advice from experienced psychologists and a way out of the situation.

Why do husbands leave the family?

Most often, psychologists name the following reasons:

• excessive care on the part of the spouse;
• lack of common hobbies;
• loss of sexual interest;
• deterioration of mutual understanding, constant quarrels;
• a woman does not take care of herself, forcing a man to be interested in other ladies;
• everyday problems.

There may be many reasons why a loved one decided to leave his wife and get a divorce, and not all of them are limited to cheating spouses or mutual claims.

A man just wants a divorce: advice from a psychologist

If the lover has not yet left the family and is in no hurry to file for divorce, but intends to do so, the woman needs to show restraint and wisdom. Being overly emotional will only harm the situation. How should you behave in this case?

1. To begin with, psychologists advise talking and discussing the situation. A man must understand that it is much easier to destroy a relationship than to build one.
2. You should change your behavior, stop nagging your spouse, and reduce the level of control over him.
3. As soon as the man voices the reason for the separation, it should be eliminated, demonstrating that the relationship still has a chance to be restored. Praise your husband, pay attention to him, do not quarrel.
4. If a man has a mistress, he should work on his appearance and emphasize his beauty in every way.
5. The house must always be clean, the refrigerator must be filled with food, so that a man feels comfortable and cosy.

Psychologists emphasize that in most cases, separation can be prevented, and sometimes a simple conversation saves from divorce. But overwhelmed by pride and resentment, the spouses refuse to hear each other’s claims.

To prevent a crisis, you need to talk, discuss problems and decide whether there is a way out of this situation.

What absolutely should not be done

If you really love your man and want him back, there are a few things you shouldn't do after a breakup. This way, your chances of success will be quite high. What we're talking about:

• do not turn into a maniac - a kind of city madwoman who follows on the heels of the object of her desire. Obsessive pursuit really makes you angry, which can play into the hands not of you, but of your rival. There is no need to monitor his windows, come to his work, or “catch” him in public places;
• The stronger sex cannot stand women's tears and hysterics, so no dramatic scenes. A man simply does not know what to do in such cases and is unlikely to realize anything other than pity. Trying to avoid unpleasant feelings, he will avoid you. Don't call, don't write SMS begging for his return. A woman who humiliates herself, imposes herself, is not attractive in any way. Pity and sympathy are more a female prerogative; men are, first of all, hunters;
• do not cause him material damage. Some ladies manage to smash the cars of their exes, arrange nasty things out of a sense of revenge on him and his new passion. If you intend to return the “fugitive”, you need, on the contrary, to become as “white and fluffy” as possible, as never before in your life;
• don't rush things. If your loved one has not returned after a week, this does not mean the end of your story. They come back after six months, and after a year. Be patient and wise.

These mistakes can become fatal - they will turn your loved one away from you once and for all. No matter how much you want to do any of the above, control yourself and you will be rewarded.

How to behave during a breakup

If your partner nevertheless decides to divorce, you need to behave as follows:

• do not descend to tears and pleas, as this will be of no use;
• when saying goodbye, be distant but friendly;
• You should thank your man for the years you have lived together, make him nostalgic by remembering the bright moments of your shared past;
• You need to look 100% so that a man can see what a beauty he is missing out on.

The main thing is not to seem like a victim. If a woman cries and begs, the partner wants to leave the house as soon as possible. If she looks distant and independent, grains of doubt may arise in him.

You need to talk to your lover without resentment or trembling in your voice, emphasizing the positive aspects in the relationship. All this can become an incentive for their future resurrection. You also need to take into account that men often come back. Read here why this happens and how to behave.

What to do after your spouse leaves

And now the woman is left alone, what should be the algorithm for her actions? It all depends on the specific situation. If a man does not have a new girlfriend, it is better to behave as follows:

• occasionally meet in a common company or at parties, while looking chic;
• invite your husband to your place so that he can pick up the remaining things and at the same time remember the warmth of the hearth;
• if the couple has children together, spend time together, emphasizing the importance of family values;
• if a man is seriously offended, there is no need to ask for forgiveness; you should prove through your actions that the woman has repented (show how upset you are, say that you will improve).

Psychologists emphasize that a man’s departure does not mean a final separation. But if he already has a mistress, it will be more difficult to return his partner. Here you need to proceed as follows:

• no need to speak badly about the homewrecker;
• when meeting a man, you should look perfect;
• you need to find a suitor for yourself in order to awaken your spouse’s jealousy;
• You need to behave distantly and coldly, without showing your inner pain.

If your lover comes back and then leaves , and this continues for many months, you should indicate your position. The woman must emphasize that such a guest marriage does not suit her. She can find herself a boyfriend, saying that she will be able to live without a spouse.

Psychologists confirm that the husband’s constant departure and return is a sign of his indecision and unpreparedness for divorce.

The spouse is not ready for separation even if he is slow in submitting documents to the registry office. If a man is in no hurry to write a divorce petition, there is no need to rush him. A girl can send romantic SMS to her husband, occasionally meet with him - do everything to make the thought of breaking up seem stupid to him.

Life after your husband: survival instructions

Psychologists write a lot about how to deal with your own anger. Most often, it is suggested to have a serious and frank conversation with the person who, voluntarily or unwittingly, served as the source of this far from pleasant feeling. However, there are situations when I would be happy to talk, discuss, or even hit someone in the face with a frying pan - but no! For example, he went to Magadan to visit his mistress.

And here you sit, all so devoted, in this house, which just yesterday was your common one, you have been looking at the front door for days now and don’t understand what happened. And you keep expecting that it is about to open, and your dear husband will appear in it and, laughing, declare: “Surprise! Here I am! It was such a bad joke from a bad dream. Well, are you bored? And I brought cabbage, you and I will bake our favorite pies, as before, and we will live and live well and make good money. After all, I, my dear Katerina Matveevna, love you alone, and there is no one better than you in this world.”

But a week passes, another, a month passes... All-knowing intelligence reports that the husband is really in Magadan, is zealously interested in diapers and caps, bought a new car and has absolutely no intention of returning.

But over time, you begin to notice that you exist, and you have some living and real feelings. There are many, many of them! And what to do with them? At first I want to blame someone. You can do it yourself, it’s easier: it’s all my fault. I was a bad wife, I didn’t understand his subtle spiritual organization and for thirty years I drove him to the store for kerosene. I should have been more sensitive and understanding, or better yet, I should have gotten cancer. So that he knows.

If everything is my fault, then everything depends on me, right? This means that something needs to be done urgently to get my husband back. What exactly? And everything that he pointed out to me for so long was unreasonable. I’ll lose weight, change my hairstyle, start listening to Rage Against the Machine and sign up for an Italian cooking class. The list goes on - each has its own.

You can, of course, do something completely different - choose you know who as the scapegoat. After all, I did everything, tried my best, understood, prepared food, tried to create all the conditions for him, and he went to Magadan! Well, of course it’s my fault! Let him crawl back in tears, and I’ll still think about whether to let him in or not... He should feel how much it hurts me.

Indeed, many women who have experienced a sudden divorce first try to become good girls, pray a lot, visit all the saints and telegraph tons to monasteries to pray for the health of their lost name. Maybe the Holy Spirit will inspire him, the scoundrel, that this is not right with legitimate spouses? Let him get cancer himself, repent and come back to me, and we will live happily ever after. Or we won’t, I’ll decide for myself.

Others go to fortune tellers (who will happily remove any crown of celibacy and speak their teeth based on photographs), to psychics, Sufi teachers, Buddhist lamas and other guides of complex matters on earth. Because if I myself cannot influence my husband and return him to the bosom of the family, then maybe someone more powerful will do this for me? Alas, at this stage of bargaining there is no sincere faith, because one’s own personality is very blurred and is practically not felt. There's too much pain in her.

At first, this pain is truly impossible to bear, and all this crazy fuss, 40 bows at night and global spring cleaning help you simply survive. Awareness comes gradually, in portions, like the diet of an ulcer, and exactly to the extent that the psyche can accept and process this misfortune, cope with it.

And then one day a vague suspicion appears that all these dreams of terrible revenge and avalanches of guilt directed at oneself have the same common root. In fact, it was a huge anger at my husband that he acted exactly like that, that he betrayed, disgraced and spat on his soul. I should talk to him, beat him until there is no living space on him. But... Firstly, he’s in Magadan, and secondly... only backward individuals get angry, and I’m not like that!

So it turns out that there is no escape from it. You can, of course, pretend to be smart and say: “No, I’m not angry, I’m above this, the Lord will be his judge!” Only this will be a deception. You're angry, no matter how you look at it.

You can do it differently. Gather the bachelorette party and wash all its bones. And they will also regret it and support you... But this doesn’t make it any easier, if you pour one portion of anger into a sincere conversation, a new one will appear. And it’s not a fact that you won’t get hooked on this drug later, because it’s so nice when you feel sorry and justified, and there’s less shame, and anxiety, and guilt.

You can turn the tables on someone else and write an angry letter to your husband’s new passion, let him know that you can’t build your happiness on someone else’s grief. Let her suffer now, not me. But again - what if she doesn’t suffer, but just laughs? Well, then, her husband is still with her, no matter how you look at it. The satisfaction is somehow unequal.

You can break all the plates at home. Naturally, from the service that his grandmother gave him for the wedding. And direct all the anger at these unfortunate shards. But neither the service nor the grandmother are to blame for this event.

By and large, there is no need to look for blame here, especially if the husband has already had a new child in Magadan and he will definitely never return back. What should we do then?

And you have to endure this feeling within yourself. Don’t support it, don’t flush it down the toilet, but just sit with it (or jump, depending on your situation) so that it burns out and becomes obsolete. When there is no one to blame this feeling on, it is difficult, but it means that for some reason this is the lesson we need now.

Talk to this anger in yourself, connect with it. Find out who it is aimed at and why there. There is no point in being angry with all men or all mistresses. Behind each of them there is a message to a specific person. Let this message burn in big fiery letters in your soul and burn there for the time being. Because your feelings are the result of the fact that you were treated in a way that you absolutely did not want or expect, violated your plans and ideas, knocked the ground out from under your feet. Betrayed. Offended. Humiliated.

And this was done not by all men in general, but by a specific husband, Vasya. First he got married, swore an oath of fidelity, and then broke it. Hurt you. Even if he warned you in advance and left you all the jointly acquired property, and only then left for this Magadan of his, you were still left with not what you wanted. You may have been counting on growing old together. We made plans about how you would give toasts at your eldest daughter’s wedding. You had plans for your life, and now they need to be changed - and this is the worst thing.

You now have a white sheet of paper in front of you that needs to be re-colored somehow. How can you now go to visit the Smirnovs, who were your witnesses at your wedding? They are still together, but now you don’t seem to fit in. Who will go with you to the dacha to water the flowers now? And old age? There is a lot of anxiety in this.

And so your sincere attitude towards the situation in which you find yourself, and not just towards the person who forced you to change when you did not intend to do so, slowly begins to appear. At this stage, a very important thing happens - a shift in focus from others to yourself, to your feelings.

And here you look at yourself and other participants in what is happening not from the position of “who is to blame” and “why am I doing this”, but you simply begin to think about “what to do” and “how can I change this situation in order to create the most comfortable existence for myself." The husband and his mistress become less interesting, although it is unlikely to be possible to forget about them.

But the time will come to get down to business and somehow adapt. And anger, thanks to which a huge amount of energy is released, becomes a helper. They no longer let her in to break dinnerware, but for real work. For example, finally go and learn English, improve your skills in courses and take up a new interesting activity. Only not “to spite the conductor”, not to prove to someone that I am still very much capable of a lot, but for myself and my personality, because I want to, because now it can comfort and please.

And with your friends you will want to talk not about how terrible men are, but about real life, which flows here and now. Don't play games together, but communicate on a personal level, be interested in other people's experiences, without forcing others to support their own feelings. Not focusing on the problem, but exploring the possibilities of solving it.

Well, and the most important thing: when it’s completely unbearable, there is always an authority, there is always a Listener, about whose participation in all this pandemonium there are also a lot of questions. After all, this happened with His approval. Why didn’t He intervene, protect, save? He, of course, is unlikely to enter into dialogue, but he will listen, that’s for sure. But that's a completely different story.

Is it worth bringing back my departed husband?

Many psychologists advise the lady to carefully consider the need to return her lover. What factors can influence this?

1. A woman must understand that a partner who left once can do it again, which means there will be inconstancy in the relationship.
2. If partners have feelings for each other, you need to try to save the marriage.
3. If a man decides to commit meanness or betrayal, it is worth restoring the relationship only in the most extreme cases.
4. After leaving and returning, there will no longer be the same trust in the family.
5. Restoring relationships will take a lot of time, which will most likely be wasted.

Not all unions deserve to be fought for to the end. But if a woman loves her husband immensely and cannot live without him, such a struggle makes sense.

From denial to acceptance

According to psychologist, psychoanalyst Dmitry Neshchadim

, first you need to decide: is your relationship over or have you decided to wait for your husband to return back? “In the second case, it means that you choose to be in limbo, you give the key to your heart in his breast pocket. In other words, you are in his power, and there is practically nothing you can do here,” says the psychologist. – If you decide to end the relationship, then it will be a difficult and painful path. But by moving along it, you have a chance to find new meaning in life.”

What needs to be done to start this movement? According to the psychoanalyst, first of all, you need to determine the goal and draw a map of this movement. You can literally draw it with your hands and paints, or at least visualize all the stages for yourself.

The goal is to let go of your husband and open yourself to a new life. The road map will look something like this: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

• Negation.
  According to Dmitry Neshchadim, it is completely normal to deny this in the first moments of your husband’s departure. It will seem to you that he will return and you will see him in everyone you meet (the image of a ghost).
• Anger.
  Then it is natural that you will begin to be angry with the deceased, just as one is often angry with the deceased who left his family without a breadwinner (the image of mourners at a funeral).
• Bargain.
  After some time, a bargaining with God (or with the Universe, with fate) may arise, where thoughts of a magical exchange for the return of the spouse will come (the image of a woman praying on her knees).
• Depression.
  The biggest part of the path will be depression, where the world will plunge into sadness, and you will not see the point of further path (image of a woman curled up into a snail on the bed). In this area, outside support and assistance is especially needed.
• Adoption.
  And at the end of the journey you will be able to see a new dawn in life again (the image of a girl sitting on the beach and watching the sunrise).

This movement towards liberation and acceptance, according to the psychologist, can take from a year to a year and a half if you don’t get stuck somewhere along the way. Naturally, at some moments you may return to sections of the path that you have already covered, but after that you will begin to move forward again. The process of movement itself is important.

“The easiest thing to do during this period is to find an understanding and sensitive psychologist who will help you go through all these areas together,” says Dmitry Neshchadim. – And also don’t neglect your health. Loss is a stress that can poison the body with stress metabolites (toxins). They will need to be removed through sweat, tears, etc. Any sport and active lifestyle that you prefer will do.

Ways to get a man back

To return your lover, you need to act as follows:

• it is necessary to meet as often as possible, but not to be intrusive;
• you should always remind a man about a happy past together;
• if you have common children, you should meet with the whole family as often as possible;
• You should occasionally ask a man for help around the house or advice on repairing equipment, emphasizing its necessity.

A man should feel a connection with his ex-wife, understand that they will always have a past together. Thanks to this, it will be possible to maintain relationships and achieve rapprochement between quarreling partners. If your spouse left for his mistress, use our plan for his return. It covers the reasons why this can happen, the role of children, magical rituals, and what not to do.

You will also find a lot of useful information here, where the technology for getting your husband back is described in detail. We answered the questions: what conspiracies will help solve the problem, what a woman’s behavior should be, and what to do if there are children.

Listen to the main mistakes women make when trying to get their husbands back: