The art of self-control. Why does a person need the ability to manage himself so much and why is this so difficult to achieve?

Self-control, or the Art of Balance

Guitarists know that loose or overstretched strings will lose their “voices.” To put the tool into working condition, you need to configure it correctly. The main thing in this matter is to achieve a golden mean.

The same thing happens with a person. The ability to control oneself is the correct emotional attunement. Excessive nervous tension, as well as excessive relaxation, does not allow you to achieve your goal.

Emotions that get out of control can destroy the warmest relationships. Aggression, fear, hatred in a stressful situation paralyze a person’s will and do not allow him to behave adequately. You can make reasonable decisions and correct your actions only in a balanced state.

Moreover, self-control sometimes makes it possible to discern favorable opportunities in a dead-end situation that lead to the path of success.

How to manage yourself, people and life? 15 psychological techniques

Answers Dmitry Voedilov, psychologist, author of books on neurolinguistic programming :

1. You feel that the boss is going to scold you. Assess the situation. If the boss has already decided to make you a scapegoat, then it is better to quickly agree with the claims and try to shift the conversation to how you can fix everything. If you actively resist, the boss will go into a rage in an effort to put you in your place. Don't give him this opportunity. You need to immediately identify the problem and involve the manager in a discussion of the problem (and not your stupidity): this and that happened, it’s worth doing this. “What do you think?” This allows you to transfer the dialogue from the emotional area to the area of logic and thus put out the “fire”. And besides, when you unite in solving a problem, you stand on the same side of the barricades and share responsibility.

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2. You were detained at work, and a scandal is brewing at home. Do not try to compensate for a late return with a gift - this will cause even greater suspicion. Use the previous method - unite in solving the problem. Discuss the question something like this: “I don’t have to work, are you ready to support me? I was forced to work. If you want, I will start a conflict, but then we won’t get the bonus. But I’m trying for the sake of money for the whole family.”

3. You need to win over your negotiating partner or employer during an interview. If time is short, use generally accepted “anchors” (in psychology this is what “buttons” are called, by pressing which you get the expected reactions): friendly smiles, sharing recent positive news, a cup of tea or coffee, if the situation allows. If there is enough time, you can try to bring the person into a conversation that allows you to find out his outlook on life (for example, by offering to remember interesting stories from your own or someone else’s life). And then support your interlocutor’s values by saying that you think or would do the same as him, etc.

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4. I would like to bring the person to a frank conversation. You can achieve frankness by moving the conversation out of the “superior-subordinate” state to maintain it as equals. Or translate it to another logical level: “Let’s discuss this life situation,” “Let’s talk like a woman to a woman,” “Let’s have a heart-to-heart talk.” You can tell your supposedly “terrible” secret (made up, of course) and end with these words: “I told you my secret, I would also like to receive a frank answer from you.” The same technique can be used in a conversation with your husband.

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5. Body language can also help establish trust. There is a classic technique of mirroring gestures. Let's say your interlocutor is sitting in a fairly closed position - arms and legs crossed. First, you need to gradually adapt to the interlocutor’s posture and the rhythm of his breathing. Don’t act like a monkey right away, but do it quietly, in several stages. If you don't succeed the first time, there are 2-3 more attempts. And then begin to gradually take a more open pose. If a subconscious “docking” has occurred, then after you the interlocutor will also begin to open up. Now we can start talking about business.

6. Want to find out whether they are telling you the truth or deceiving you. Usually a person's eyes give him away. There is such a pattern: if a person remembers something - sounds, images - then his eyes involuntarily move to the left or up to the left (in relation to the interlocutor it will be to the right). If he composes or invents things, go to the right. Eye movements down to the left mean that a person is conducting an internal dialogue, down to the right - he is focused on sensations (for example, he feels hatred, anger, or has realized his guilt and is ashamed). Accordingly, if your interlocutor is telling the truth, then his eyes move to the left and up. If he lies and makes things up on the fly - to the right and up. The above is true for right-handers. With lefties it's the other way around.

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7. If you want to demonstrate self-confidence , you should not use phrases like: “I think”, “It seems to me”, etc. There is a “rule of quotation marks” - a reference to an authority or group of people. When you want to convince someone that you are right, you should never refer to yourself. This is a big mistake. In such a situation, counter questions immediately arise: “Who are you?” It is necessary to refer to authorities. Let's say: “Famous artists and reputable scientists had this opinion.” Or: “The generally accepted view of the problem is this... Don’t you agree with the opinion of the great scientists? Who are you?"

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8. When your life is poisoned by obsessive thoughts or worries , you need to switch to something else, “interrupt” the internal dialogue with another strong signal. For example, go to the shower, the gym, do some spring cleaning at home, or turn on a movie with an exciting plot.

9. How to hold back your tears if you want to cry? If you have been offended or humiliated in front of everyone, and you do not want to show that this has hurt you greatly, you need to try to turn the energy of the offense into anger. The goal of the offender is to offend. So, there is no need to show it to him. Try to get angry or try to laugh at something inside yourself - for example, you can look for something funny in the appearance of your boss or offender, or remember how he himself once got into a puddle.

10. How to ask for a favor correctly without being refused? To do this, you need to try to attach as little importance to your request as possible. Ask casually: “I took another bag today and forgot to change my wallet (or card). Would you mind borrowing a small amount for lunch?” If you focus too much attention on your request, emphasizing how important it is for you (“I’m so hungry, and I’m out of money, can you lend me until payday?”), then you’ll have less chance. This is a general psychological law: the more significance you attach to your request, the more doubtful the person you ask will be.

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11. How not to do stupid things when angry? You need to switch gears and let off steam. For example, run down the street, break a plate, scream, etc. You can take three deep breaths and three exhalations, and then slowly count to 10. After that, you will look at the situation with different eyes.

12. How to find out which of your friends likes whom. There is a simple secret: when a group of people burst into laughter, then, as a rule, everyone glances at the one who is more attractive to him. This phenomenon is easy to explain. When people meet for the first time, they first evaluate each other’s appearance, and then the inner world of each other. If the information seems funny to someone, then he is interested to see whether another, nice person shares his fun, and whether their values coincide.

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13. How not to worry if an important event or meeting is coming up? A universal trick is to worry in advance. Imagine the worst possible picture of events in order to be as scared as possible. And when the event that frightens you occurs, by that time your emotions will mostly be wasted and burned out. This means it will be easier to cope with anxiety.

14. How to force yourself to do something if you don’t want to? Again, nightmare yourself in advance, imagine what the consequences will be if you do not fulfill your “duty”. Sometimes it’s better to get over it quickly than to drag it out and complicate the situation.

15. How not to yell at a child? If you feel like you’re about to scream, try to abruptly cut off your impulse and start discussing the situation: “Your behavior has really upset me now. Do you want to be yelled at and spanked?” The “reasoning mind” turns on, and the left hemisphere of the brain is activated (the right hemisphere is responsible for emotions). And after some time, analyze the situation to understand what exactly preceded your reaction and turned out to be the trigger. Awareness of this and analysis will help you prevent breakdowns in time.

Where self-control skills are required:

• conflicts between friends: quarrels, disagreements;

• crises of family relationships: infidelity, divorce, the problem of mutual understanding between generations;

• public discussions: defending one’s position at meetings, lectures, consultations;

• scientific experiments: trial and error methods are not always successful;

• force majeure situations: fire, flood, equipment failure, injuries;

• diplomacy: the art of negotiating, giving in, compromising.

What is self-control?

The art of self-control allows you to not be a slave to your emotions. Having mastered its basics, a person becomes less vulnerable and more self-sufficient; in any situation he knows how to cope with anger, anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt.

In a word, this is a good school that allows you not to be afraid of life's trials. Psychologists advise going through it as early as possible and suggest the following stages in mastering self-control skills.

1. Self-control in conflict situations

You can use minor everyday quarrels as training exercises. Try to analyze your behavior: how hot and angry you are. Identify the reasons for your excessive temperament.

How to learn to control yourself: tips and tricks

Consciously control your emotions. They should not dangle like a weather vane in the wind. You have to realize that if you're nervous, you're nervous; If you're scared, then scared. Your task is to understand that you can experience anything, and you have no power to influence it. But your emotions should not shape your actions, which you do of your own free will. You may feel fear or anger, but despite this, you must act wisely. Emotions should not influence your actions, you should do what needs to be done despite them;
Play sports. Sports will allow you to splash out excess adrenaline. It also promotes the release of endorphins, which will improve your well-being and make it easier to control yourself;
Challenge yourself periodically. Consciously create situations that make you feel fear or anger and overcome them. This way you will learn to control yourself;
Live positively. If everything goes well in your life, you will experience only bright emotions, and in this case, controlling yourself is much easier than if your life is saturated with negativity.

Techniques for developing self-control:

• music therapy as a practice of optimizing internal reserves;

• meditation, teaching you to control emotions;

• art therapy, relaxing, distracting from obsessive thoughts and filling with life-giving energy;

• diaphragmatic breathing, which allows you to relieve tension and quickly calm down.

Mental balance, which everyone strives for, but only a few achieve, is a god-like state . It gives strength to overcome internal problems and overcome external obstacles. With him, insidious difficulties recede and goals are achieved. Thanks to him, thoughts become clearer and feelings calm down. Weaknesses, fears and complexes are afraid of him like fire. Without it there can be no self-improvement.

Having mastered the ability to control oneself and achieve mental balance, a person enters a time of true maturity. The boiling of passions is a sign of youth. However, if you spend your whole life being upset and beating yourself up over trifles, you can remain a yellow-haired youth until you turn gray.

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GuruTest

In order not to test your strength and not be exposed to danger, it is important to be able to pull yourself together and control the current circumstances. This will help you avoid many problems and vicissitudes of Fate. Use these suggestions to change your attitude and behavior.

Don't dwell on failures

Remember that life goes on as usual and often presents quite unpleasant emotions. However, this state of affairs is not at all a reason for melancholy. Learn to perceive what happened more calmly, without driving yourself into depression and worsening your own well-being. Failure is a reason to reconsider your actions, relax and unwind before correcting inaccuracies and oversights. Negative emotions that accompany you in case of erroneous actions require adjustments and persistence in achieving your goals and objectives.

Don't be discouraged

Dissatisfaction with one's own life, joyless everyday life and daily boredom from monotonous and routine activities can weaken a person. Try to find the reason for your despondency in order to change for the better. Don’t forget that life is varied, and after a dark streak there will always come a bright one. In order to avoid such a state, find something you like, get out into nature, find a source of inspiration in yourself or in the space around you. Allow yourself small joys as a reward for your routine, and your mood will rapidly improve.

Stay calm in conflict situations

Arguments, raised voices, shouting and irritation are not the best helpers in resolving disputes. Learn to cope with your own emotions and remember that cold confidence and calmness (even if only external) will quickly cool down the aggression and pressure of your interlocutor. By calming your dissatisfaction and being guided by the arguments of reason, you will be able to defend your rightness without worsening your well-being and mood with unnecessary worries. If your opponent is unable to listen to your words, end the conversation. This way you will avoid internal tension and overwork.

Don't respond to aggressive attacks

Remaining calm when confronted is important for your emotional and physical health. If you are faced with such a situation, gather yourself internally and try to disengage from the aggressor. Count slowly, evening out your breathing and focusing on your own sensations. Often your icy calm quickly cools the ardor of the offender, who is unable to bring you to reciprocal emotions. Do exercises to control emotions using breathing exercises.

Don't try to please everyone

Every person has envious people and ill-wishers, but this is not a reason to become despondent and depressed. Remember that your actions will always cause both positive and negative emotions in others. The surest weapon in the fight against envious people and manipulators will be your excellent mood, emphasized politeness and the ability to say “no” in situations where they want to take advantage of you and your work for their own selfish purposes.

Achieve prosperity on your own

By learning to cope with difficulties on your own, you eliminate the factor of dependence on someone else’s mood, desires and skills. By learning to overcome obstacles once, you will regain your confidence and build resilience. Don’t rely on help every second so that you don’t reap the bitter fruits of disappointment and cultivate your own insecurities.

Don't dwell on what happened

What happened cannot be changed, and if this is the case, there is no need to kill yourself endlessly and return to negative memories. Learn from your mistakes so that you don’t make the same mistakes in the future. Many situations can be corrected by pulling yourself together and not looking for false excuses.

Don't use generalization

By generalizing negative actions, you become hostage to the current situation. If bad things happen to you, don't say that you're always unlucky. Find a reason to continue your pursuit of well-being. Sometimes you just need to turn a corner to realize that life has positive sides.

Trust only verified information

We often become hostages to gossip and speculation, deceiving ourselves. Remember that bad news can be blown out of proportion, so trust what you are sure of. Guesses and assumptions can have a negative impact on life. Check the information that comes to you, and you will be able to draw the right conclusions without offending or betraying anyone.

Assess your capabilities

The pursuit of ideal should be an incentive for development, so do not over-praise yourself and act according to your own capabilities and abilities. At the initial stage, clearly distribute your energy in order to accurately achieve the desired result and avoid disappointment.

Look for the positive in everything

Even parting with a loved one is not a reason for prolonged depression. Natural feelings of melancholy, disappointment and despondency should not overwhelm you. Find the positives in current situations that will help you look at failures from a different perspective. Don't be dramatic or overcomplicate things to get over negative emotions faster.

Any action you take aimed at development will become an additional incentive to master yourself, your emotions and actions. Start each day with positive little things that will help you get into a good mood.

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16.08.2017 13:09