What does distance in communication mean?
How far away are people when they communicate with each other?
A person with experience can already draw important conclusions from this about how people relate to each other, and what kind of issues they discuss, and who has what status. People most often maintain (or build) a distance in communication unconsciously, but being attentive to these issues and sometimes doing it consciously is useful. When you talk, the distance between you should be acceptable to the interlocutor and appropriate to your communication goals. Forty centimeters between you or forty meters - sometimes this is the critical circumstance that determines the success or failure of the conversation. If, purely spatially, you are too far from the interlocutor, he feels a lack of contact, and you seem to him to be a cold person or unfriendly towards him. On the contrary, too short a distance gives him the feeling that he is being pressured, and you are an unceremonious and intrusive person.
How can you tell if it's "too far" or "too close"? First of all, the distance in communication is determined by the topic (genre) of the conversation. Distance of official negotiations - from 3.6 m. Distance of business conversation: 1.2 m - 3.6 m. Distance of personal conversation: 45 cm - 1.2 m. In Russian culture, where business relationships are always mixed with personal ones, the distance of business communication is usually shorter, often no different from the distance of a personal conversation.
If you extended your hands to each other, said hello, are chatting and move on to a conversation of a completely personal nature, then keep in mind that the distance of an intimate message is: 15 - 45 cm: from “by the ear” to the length of a confidential elbow.
How will you answer the question: where will there be greater distance between the interlocutors - in a small room or in a large room? In the corner of the room or in the center of the room? The correct answer is... (in small rooms or in the corner of a room, people maintain greater interpersonal distances than when they are in large rooms or in the center of the room).
You know how sympathy affects communication distance: we are ready to be at a shorter distance with those we like and whom we perceive as having similar interests and values. An important practical conclusion follows from this: if you want to demonstrate your affection for a person, try to reduce the distance between you, but if after your next micro-step (or tilt) in his direction, he takes the same micro-step back or synchronously leans away from you, it means , you are on the border of an acceptable distance for him.
Acceptable for now. Perhaps after a few minutes his sense of the acceptable distance between you will change, especially if you adapt to your interlocutor in posture, gestures, breathing or pace of conversation. At the same time, if in some situation you feel a business partner’s resistance to your desire to reduce the distance, do not draw premature conclusions: it is not obvious that he has little affection for you, it may be his general attitude towards people.
Distance in communication is also related to status: the more important and significant a person feels, the more he insists on a significant distance.
In the office of the highest management, the majesty of its owner will be emphasized by the most respectable size table, which will certainly be between you.
The distance of a conversation is influenced by a person’s neatness, in particular his smell. A pleasant smell contributes to a shorter distance; such a person seems to attract the interlocutor, and if someone does not take care of himself, does not brush his teeth or does not treat him, the distance of communication with him will be longer, and the contact will be shorter.
The distance in communication is to a certain extent influenced by life experience, personal and national characteristics. It is known that southerners naturally communicate over a shorter distance than, for example, “hot Finnish guys” and other Scandinavians. As for age, preschool children show preferences and variations in personal space distance as early as 2 years of age. In school-age children, interpersonal distance increases until about 12 years of age, when it reaches the distance of adults.
And most importantly, the more developed a person is, the less important this distance in communication is to him, and at the same time he is increasingly attentive to what distance is suitable for his interlocutor and is simply needed for business.
It is not man who serves distance, but distance who serves man!
Why is it important to maintain psychological distance?
By the way, “opening your soul” to strangers is not even as scary as doing it in front of those people with whom you often see. After all, if you trusted the “wrong” person, where is the guarantee that this will not affect the quality of your life? A stranger may never meet you again, but your surroundings are always nearby.
Maintaining a psychological distance from other people may seem simple at first glance, but in reality everything is much more complicated. Because people are not robots, but owners of a rich emotional world. No one can be in the same psychological frame of mind every day.
Photo: Depositphotos
For example, take the relationship between spouses. A husband and wife maintain a short psychological distance between themselves, but suddenly they quarrel. What do we see? Even a non-family member or relative can notice the coldness and tension in the relationship. Such people will begin to stay further away from each other in the literal sense of the word. They do not hug, but go to different corners. But as soon as the quarrel passes, a truce will come, everything will fall into place again.
It is important to be in close emotional contact with loved ones, although there are exceptions. What about your work colleagues? Yesterday a person patted you on the shoulder in a friendly manner, but today he brought you to attention and was rude in front of everyone. Yesterday you were needed, but today you are ignored.
To prevent this situation from deeply traumatizing you, learn to build a distance in advance. Do not rush to become familiar with new people, because this requires a lot. It’s not without reason that addressing people with “you” rather than “you” is considered impolite. If teachers at school were allowed to call them by their first name, schools would have lost their authority long ago.
The emotional bond between mother and baby begins in diapers . While the child does not yet go to school, it is the most cramped and short. But as the child grows up, the distance increases.
The emotional distance between mother and baby is gradually increasing Photo: Depositphotos
There are mothers who do not allow this distance to grow. These are psychological egoists who want to see their child always nearby, to be the closest person to him. And this is even despite the fact that the child may already be thirty years old. How does such a child feel? He loses a significant part of his own life. The person feels dependent.
The closer the distance, the more vulnerable we are in these relationships. Minimum psychological distance is good only in the relationship between mother and baby and between husband and wife. But it is based on trust; it should not turn into pathological jealousy. It's good when you know what your spouse is doing without you at the moment. You trust each other and do not make scenes of jealousy.
When your children grow up, don’t lose touch with them, love and help, but don’t try to keep them close to you. It is for this reason that psychologists advise young families to live separately from their parents. Adult children are free to live by their own rules. How many young families have broken up due to the intervention of mother-in-law and mother-in-law?
It is especially customary for us to perceive a young daughter-in-law with hostility. Therefore, all young wives need to learn the rule: keep your distance from your husband’s mother until you get to know her well as a person. A jealous and not very kind mother-in-law is ready to do anything to ensure that her son stays with her and not with you.
Behave politely and don't be afraid of other people's opinions Photo: Depositphotos
By keeping your distance, you will feel much freer in any society or group. But always behave politely in your relationships with others and do not be afraid of other people's opinions.
There is a good parable by Aesop on this subject, which tells that no matter how a person behaves in a given situation, there will always be people who will condemn him:
The father showed his son how people's opinions can change from day to day. This family had a donkey, and one day father and son went to the market. The father rode on a donkey, and his son walked next to him. On the way, they met many people who condemned the father for not giving way to his son.
The next day the son rode on a donkey, and his father walked next to him. And again they met people who condemned their son for not giving up his place to his father.
On the third day, they both mounted a donkey and again received a torrent of condemnation. People scolded them for abusing the animal.
Imagine the son’s surprise when on the fourth day they walked and led the donkey nearby, and even carried it on themselves, but they were again ridiculed that they were so stupid that they could not saddle the animal.
And then the boy realized a very important thing: no matter what you do, there will always be those who will condemn it.
Therefore, there is no need to be afraid of people and their opinions, and rapprochement will become possible when you get to know those around you well.
Tags: relationships, psychological distance, relationships with others
Personal zones in different cultures
A large number of scientists have been studying the characteristics of different cultures; E. Hall also considered this issue. He observed, among other things, the proxemics of different peoples. Here are some of the conclusions he came to:
- Japanese residents are most sensitive to distances between people and other objects;
- representatives of Europe and North America try to clearly divide the space of the premises with skirting boards and edgings, and place furniture only along the walls;
- residents of China and Japan prefer rooms with sliding walls to be able to increase or decrease the size of the space depending on the purpose of communication and the situation;
- the Japanese perceive the touching of their interlocutors to each other as a sign of disrespect, and the Arabs - as a sign of sympathy;
- Brazilians like to communicate over short distances, so they make Americans feel uncomfortable, who often strive for wider personal boundaries;
- Russians prefer a shorter social distance between interlocutors than Americans, but a longer distance than Latin Americans.
Where do the borders begin?
It is very important to respect the boundaries of your interlocutor’s personal space, no matter how wide they are for you personally. And you don’t always need to carefully calculate signals to understand this, because sociologists and psychologists identify a generally accepted distance at which it is comfortable to communicate. There are 4 zones that define the framework of communication:
- The intimate zone is approximately 50 centimeters. This is the distance from which, when gesturing, you can accidentally drive into the face of your interlocutor. Therefore, only the closest people are allowed in here.
- Personal zone - from 50 centimeters to 1.5 meters. This is the area in which you usually communicate with new acquaintances at the bar or colleagues at work.
- Social zone - distance from 1.5 meters to 4 meters. The distance at which a policeman passing by will not cause you concern.
- Public zone - up to 7 meters. The zone within which you are able to pay attention to events happening around you. Imagine that you are at a concert: the best contact with the performing artist is felt within this distance.
By the way, your appearance can also influence the invasion of personal space. For example, if you are large, then, most likely, if you get into a social zone, you will cause more inconvenience than a smaller person. Psychologist Nancy Hanley described these phenomena in her book Body Politics. Often the voice also has an influence: imagine that a big guy walked into a bar, sat down next to you and asked for a glass of beer in a menacing voice. Even if he is at an acceptable distance, his King Kong roar can confuse him.
By the way, the zones listed above are not universal; for example, the southern peoples are much more open; their zones are compressed. This manifests itself in emotionality, volume of conversations and contacts. For example, among Greeks and Armenians, when meeting acquaintances, it is customary to symbolically kiss friends on the cheek. Try the same trick with your friend and see his reaction.
