When one of the spouses’ feelings disappear, this is a severe stress. Any changes in a relationship for the worse are especially painful for a woman, since she vitally needs to be loved and desired. It is very difficult to admit the fact that a man has fallen out of love, so many wives continue to deceive themselves and play at being an ideal family. This position is very dangerous, as it implies inaction. It is much wiser to admit the problem and try to understand what to do if the husband does not love his wife. What signs may indicate this?
The main signs of dislike
- The husband stops consulting with his wife. This can be considered a wake-up call if a man previously shared his problems with his wife and was interested in her opinion.
- Lack of reliability. If a wife realizes that she can no longer count on her husband because he puts his own interests first, she should think twice. When a man loses his feelings, he no longer wants to lend his shoulder and provide security for the family.
- Constant reproaches. They always appear when irritation replaces love. Any mistake causes indignation, which necessarily manifests itself in behavior and offensive words. Even the slightest mistakes are grounds for reproach.
- Lack of respect. If a husband does not love his wife, what signs may indicate this? The very first and main symptom is disrespectful attitude. In conflict situations, a man can insult and offend his wife without feeling guilty or tormented by remorse. Often he mocks the abilities of the once beloved woman, criticizes her as a mother and mistress, and constantly emphasizes that she is not capable of anything. Often the wife's appearance becomes an object of criticism.
- The shared laughter disappeared. When spouses stop laughing and rejoicing together, they quickly move away from each other. The desire to discuss certain topics and share intimate things with each other appears less and less often.
- Reluctance to touch. When thinking about the question: “If the husband does not love his wife, what signs should there be?”, you need to understand that when love reigns in the family, the spouses want to constantly hug and feel the touch of their bodies. If the feelings go away, this desire disappears. Any contact only causes irritation and hostility.
- Reluctance to be at home. The husband finds “weighty” reasons to stay somewhere regularly. Despite all the efforts of his wife to create comfortable conditions for him, he still does not want to come home.
- Personal space. When a man stops loving a woman, he tries to limit her access to his affairs as much as possible: he doesn’t talk about work, doesn’t share his opinion, sets passwords on social networks and on his phone.
- Lack of intimate life. When a husband does not love his wife, the signs can be quite telling. For example, lack of sex. It is very difficult to hide obvious cooling, so the man begins to come up with “excuses”.
- Attention to your person. If earlier the husband paid more attention to the interests of his wife and took into account her opinion, now he only cares about himself. This can manifest itself both in small things and in more global things. The husband may completely change not only his behavior, but also his tastes, as he is open to a new life and is looking for other ways to get pleasure.
- "I" instead of "We". If a man makes plans in which his wife cannot determine her place, most likely he is hinting at a breakup. This could be a separate vacation, on which the spouse does not want to take his woman, or purchases “for his loved one.”
What to do if your husband or partner beats you, insults you and threatens you? Lawyer and psychologist explain
If you love, let go
Julia's husband (the heroine's name has been changed at her request) from Starye Dorogi began stalking her during the divorce, calling her constantly, including at night, and threatening to beat her.
Before this, the couple had been married for three years, the reason for the divorce, according to the heroine, was faded feelings. Yulia admits that the aggression from her ex-husband shocked her, because there were no cases of moral or physical violence during the marriage.
– At first I wanted to separate peacefully, I submitted an application to the registry office, but he did not agree, he said that we would make peace. After that I filed a lawsuit.
This whole year he has not allowed me to live in peace. He says that he wants to make peace, and when I say that this will not happen, he begins to swear, several times he watched me at the entrance.
According to Yulia, now she is stressed, she rarely leaves the house, she is so afraid of accidentally meeting her husband.
The trial is scheduled for December, and the heroine admits that she fears that her ex-husband will move from threats to action.
What can be done for a woman who finds herself in such a situation?
Irina Sukhanova , a legal consultant at a national hotline for victims of domestic violence , says that there is no direct liability for stalking a victim in Belarus.
But in such actions there are signs of intentional infliction of mental suffering, and for this one can be brought to administrative responsibility. Therefore, the victim can write a statement to the police, in which it is important to describe what mental suffering she is experiencing. Only close relatives or family members can be held liable for causing mental suffering.
If the spouse/cohabitant makes direct threats of murder during the persecution, i.e. directly says that he will kill, then you can write a statement about committing a criminal offense. But if the aggressor openly expressed a threat to kill, pursued, but did not take action, then the initiation of such a case may be refused.
Maria Kapustina , psychologist, head. branch of the TCSON of the Pervomaisky district , believes that if a person with whom the relationship has already ended pursues a woman, it means somewhere she made it clear to the man that he still has a chance for a relationship.
– It’s worth starting with a frank and calm conversation, in which you try to clearly, without turning to tears or screaming, thank the person for everything that happened and convey to him that the relationship will no longer continue. In extreme cases, you should contact the police.
What to do if a man threatens physical harm?
Psychologist: you need to take such threats seriously and assess all the risks in advance. Even at the stage of verbal threats, it is worth making it clear to the man that if something happens, the woman will be able to give a worthy rebuff. And you should think about ending this relationship.
Lawyer: you need to seek protection from the police. They will help you draw up a statement as part of the administrative process, and if they see signs of a criminal offense, they will offer to write a statement about criminal prosecution.
What to do if the aggressor causes pain, but there are no clear visible marks left on the body?
Lawyer: Impacts may not leave visible marks, but can cause serious internal damage. Such actions must be recorded also because they will be taken into account and considered by the court. You should definitely contact a medical facility, and as soon as possible. At the emergency room, you need to not only record and examine all possible injuries, but also insist that they indicate that they were caused by a person close to you. And also file a complaint with law enforcement agencies.
What to do if the aggressor uses psychological violence?
Lawyer: administrative liability is provided for causing mental suffering. But we must remember that only a close relative or family member can be held accountable. For example, the ex-wife is a former family member, so attracting the aggressor will not work.
Psychologist: if discomfort arises in a relationship, you need to start with a heart-to-heart conversation. It is worth telling your partner about your experiences, fears, and discomfort. Perhaps he will change. If this does not happen, you should ask yourself: do I need this relationship? There is usually only one way out - to leave the rapist-victim relationship. Unfortunately, in a situation of domestic violence, it is difficult to “reach out” to a woman and persuade her to leave her husband with sadistic tendencies, a brawler. First of all, a woman must remember that domestic violence is cyclical. It develops in a spiral and will never end. First an act of violence, then a stormy reconciliation with apologies, a period of calm, then another act of violence. There is no other way! Each time the beatings become more severe, and the periods of “quiet” may last longer, but then the beatings still occur.
What to do if you are divorced but forced to live together?
Lawyer : property acquired by spouses during marriage, regardless of which spouse it was acquired for or which spouse acquired it, is their common joint property. Spouses have equal rights to own, use and dispose of this property, unless otherwise provided by the marriage contract. Therefore, during a divorce, it is necessary to agree on the division or exchange of property. If this is not possible, and the victim remains to live with the aggressor, it is important to contact the police when aggression occurs in order to prevent more serious crimes. If the ex-spouse abuses alcohol, he can be sent for compulsory year-long treatment at a medical treatment facility.
A protective order cannot be applied to a former spouse. It can only be applied to a family member for insult, destruction (damage) of property, or physical violence.
A protective order may prohibit communication with the victim, making attempts to find out the victim's whereabouts, and even leaving the shared housing.
What to do if your ex-husband turns the child against the mother?
Lawyer : parents have equal rights and responsibilities in raising a child. Upon divorce, spouses can enter into an agreement between themselves in which they will determine all issues of raising and maintaining children.
According to the Gender Perspectives website, the national hotline for victims of domestic violence is called in
81% of cases by victims – 94% women, 6% men. In 18% , relatives and friends call, in 0.3% - aggressors.
As practice shows, if parents have not reached an agreement on the order of upbringing and living of children, such cases are very painful and are considered in court. Moreover, they are considered with the mandatory involvement of the prosecutor, the guardianship and trusteeship authority. From the age of 10, the child’s opinion is taken into account; from the age of 14, the child can decide for himself which parent he will stay with, including filing a lawsuit.
Psychologist : try to come to an agreement in person during a meeting, in a calm atmosphere. If it doesn’t help, it’s best to go to court.
Where can I go, where can I look for help?
Lawyer : A large percentage of victims endure violence for many years. They are afraid to contact the police for fear of supposedly “making the situation worse.” But fear and patience do not help solve the problem of violence. On the contrary, our consulting experience shows: each time the situation only gets worse. There is no need to be afraid to go to crisis rooms and shelters. Unfortunately, there are often cases when a victim after a beating, already having serious health consequences, still does not want to move to a shelter or write a statement to the police.
Victims of domestic violence can obtain detailed information from the TCSON: 50 Let VLKSM st., tel. for consultations 72-73-77. The crisis room is located at a different address and its location is hidden.
In Belarus there are crisis rooms, shelters and shelters for victims of domestic violence. To check into state crisis rooms, you need to contact the territorial centers for social protection of the population. Shelters for victims are also provided by public organizations: for example, “Radislava”, “SOS Children’s Villages”, where the victim can move in at any time, subject to availability.
Contact the national domestic violence hotline 8 801 100 8 801 . It is consulted by lawyers and psychologists. Together we can create a plan to get out of a difficult situation.
Is it necessary to save the family?
If a husband doesn't love his wife, what should she do? This is the first question that a woman must answer for herself. To make it easier to make a decision, you need to evaluate all the pros and cons of your man and understand whether you need to fight for him. Divorce is never easy, but living with a husband who has no feelings left is also difficult. Not every woman is ready to live in the hope that her husband will love her again.
“My husband said that he didn’t beat me, and I began to believe him.” Four stories about gaslighting
Photo: Steven Poetzer/Getty Images
“He convinced me that men don’t beat real women.”
Galina, 34 years old
I met my future husband at 17 and immediately fell in love with him. For me this was my first relationship experience. My husband has been going to various energy, Vedic, and psychic trainings all his life, and at one time he was interested in Scientology. Sometimes he took me with him. During the trainings we were told that the well-being of the family depends solely on the woman and that all family problems are her fault. That a “real” woman has no right to be angry and offended, she forgives everything.
At first, our family life was going well. We had a child. Then my husband began to say that I spiritually and physically did not correspond to his level, that I should energetically feed and inspire him to earn money and raise a child. Soon I became pregnant for the second time. My husband always wanted a big family - seven children. It turned out that in this way he simply wanted to completely subjugate me and assert himself. After the birth of my second child, my husband began to raise his hand against me. He rarely did this, but there was a fear in me that he might not just beat me, but kill me. The first couple of times it was just very heavy slaps in the face. Afterwards he asked for forgiveness and promised that this would not happen again. However, then he began to convince me that men don’t hit real women, and if he hit me, it means I behaved like a man.
Another year later I became pregnant with twins and a short period of time after their birth I found out that I was pregnant again. I couldn’t expect help from my husband, so I decided to have an abortion. But my husband dissuaded me and promised to take care of the older children. I left the child, but in the third month of pregnancy, when it was too late to have an abortion, my husband said that the most important thing for him was his life and personal growth, and he almost stopped coming home.
I did not tolerate this pregnancy well due to severe toxicosis. When I complained to my husband that it was very difficult for me and accused him of not keeping his promises, he beat me. He hit my head on the floor, then choked me, tried to tie me to a radiator, whipped my legs with a belt, and threatened to kill me. As it turned out later, the neighbors heard my screams, but decided not to interfere in “family matters.” I spent almost a day locked up, without food or water. My husband hid my mobile phone and keys, I couldn’t get out of the apartment. When my husband fell asleep, I got to the computer and sent a message to my sister asking for help. She called the local police officer. In the explanatory note, my husband wrote that he didn’t hit me, I hit myself, and he just tried to tie me to the radiator. Only after that I was able to leave the apartment to go to my sister. I left the children with him. I wasn’t afraid that he would do something to them, because he only beat me.
My husband told everyone he knew that he never raised a hand against me, that I made it all up, and many believed him. And those who didn’t believe me said that it was all my fault.
I immediately filed for divorce. I filmed the beatings and wrote a statement to the police, but they said that I couldn’t prove anything, because I didn’t even have any fractures. The police did not want to take a statement, they said that my husband and I would make peace tomorrow, and they would remain extreme. I didn’t give up, and they accepted the application. However, I was never able to bring my husband to justice: the application was filed incorrectly, and the court refused to initiate the case. I didn’t write the application again: I didn’t have the strength left.
When we were getting divorced, I constantly kept before my eyes the certificate of beatings, photos of bruises and screenshots of his threatening messages to convince myself that I didn’t make it up. I called my sister, who saw me beaten, so that she could confirm that I was not going crazy. Because this man looked into my eyes and smiled: “Why are you telling lies? I never hit you." He said this so sincerely that it made me feel creepy. And even if I sometimes doubted what had happened, imagine how easy it was for my now ex-husband to convince others. In addition, he knows how to make a good impression. Those around him know him only from the best side. He told and continues to tell everyone he knew that he never raised a hand against me, that I made it all up, and many believe him. And those who don’t believe me say that it’s all my fault. This is terribly embarrassing and insulting. I was morally destroyed not only by the beatings, but also by the reaction of the environment.
For another year after the divorce, my husband and I lived together because we shared an apartment. One day I was lying in the bathtub with my child. My then-ex-husband began demanding that I immediately get out and prepare breakfast for him. When I refused, he dragged me out of the bathroom by my hair. He yelled that everyone in his house must obey him and treat him with respect. When he left, I changed the locks and didn't let him into the house anymore.
After that, for more than two years he threatened to beat me, demanded obedience and blackmailed me with alimony. I wrote about all his threats on social networks, sent screenshots and requests for help to his friends and acquaintances. But again I didn’t find support: “A man won’t beat a normal woman!” Don’t wash dirty linen in public!”
Over time, my ex-husband left me behind. But we have 12 years of marriage and five common children who live with me, and we still have to communicate with him. When my husband beat me, the children were still small and did not understand what was happening, except for the eldest, who was nine years old at the time - he had a tense relationship with his father. My sons constantly see me tortured, and my father appears once every couple of months and throws a party for them. Communication with my ex-husband is still very difficult for me. This is my second year going to see a psychologist.
“Mom said that I make everything up”
Anna, 28 years old
Throughout my childhood and adolescence, my parents strictly controlled me. The main teacher was, of course, the mother. At the age of 15, I tried to get rid of overprotection and date boys, but this did not fit with my parents’ expectations. I was raised to be a “correct”, good girl, but when I tried to defend my freedom, my mother, in fits of anger, began to yell that I was a boor and a whore. I was constantly compared to other people's children, not in my favor, and accused of being ungrateful. When I reminded my mother of her words, I heard in response: “I didn’t tell you that! How do you have the nerve to come up with something like that?” History repeated itself when she rummaged through my things or read personal notes (in front of me): “I didn’t do that! You're making it up!" I reacted painfully to these words, I even thought about recording everything on a tape recorder so that I could present evidence later. I tried to calmly explain to my parents what exactly hurt me, but I heard in response that I was turning everything upside down, that it was all my imagination and that I was running into conflict myself. I was desperate.
The conflicts and gaslighting continued for 10 long years. I often dreamed that I was yelling obscenities at my mother, these dreams exhausted me. As a result, I developed neurosis and anxiety disorder, which are with me to this day. I'm still learning to trust myself. When I am offended, I doubt whether I understood what I heard correctly.
I learned to say “no” and cut off conversations, turn off the phone, stopped sharing my plans and thoughts
The first condition for ending conflicts and gaslighting was separation. I learned to say “no” and cut off conversations, turn off the phone, and stopped sharing my plans and thoughts. Then I went to psychotherapy. The doctor helped me recover from depression and look at my relationship with my mother from the outside. I realized that conflicts and gaslighting were dictated by my mother’s neurosis, fears and complex of the “ideal mother” who cannot have “bad” children. She traumatized me because she herself was traumatized. So you just had to break the vicious circle, stop reacting to provocations and feel sorry for yourself.
We must pay tribute to my mother: when the time came, she let me go to study in another city in spite of my fears. And now, apparently, she has completely survived the separation crisis, so we became friends. But I still avoid any conflicts and try not to get involved in disputes. This is already a reflex: I no longer want to hear that I am imagining insults.
“They called the threats jokes, which I take seriously solely because of my anger.”
Dana, 22 years old
My parents divorced shortly after I was born. From the age of four I lived with my mother and stepfather. As a child, I was hit from time to time, and it was considered normal. I was kept under a tight rein, forbidden to argue with my parents, to have a different opinion from theirs, they followed me on social networks, they deprived me of personal space: they forbade me to close the door, my stepfather could burst into the room and scatter all my things if it seemed to him that they were not folded.
When I was in my first year, we had a big fight and I tried to run away to my father, I just got angry and went to pack my things. The escape was unsuccessful, since my father didn’t really need me. My stepfather picked me up on the street, hugged me, and then drove me, but not home, but somewhere out of town. We arrived at the river, and my stepfather said that he would tie a stone to my neck and throw it into the water if I dared to offend my mother again. It was not only scary, but also humiliating - I had to promise what he demanded, because I was afraid for my life. After that, I practically disappeared as a person: I did what was required of me, said what was not forbidden to be said, humiliated myself and tried to be “correct.” I put the episode with the river out of my head the very next day - it was too much of a shock.
Once I argued with my mother about clothes. For my mother, this is no joke, because until I was 20, I dressed according to her orders, I had no right to my opinion. My stepfather called me into the room, grabbed me by the throat, lifted me up and threw me down, saying that I forgot about the agreement. I completely closed in on myself.
As a person, I practically disappeared: I did what was required of me, said what was not forbidden to be said, humiliated myself and tried to be “correct”
One day I gathered my strength and told my parents that the day they threatened to drown me was the worst day of my life. The stepfather did not react to this, and the mother began to get hysterical. After that, she often accused me of being insensitive, bitter, and unable to forgive. Throughout my third year, I tried to make friends with my parents, but they said that I didn’t love them and considered myself better than the rest of the family. My stepfather constantly insisted that it was all my fault, that I should have studied better, worked more around the house and helped my family. I tried to prove them wrong. Once in a conversation I said to my stepfather jokingly: “Well, he said something stupid.” And he replied: “Do you think I’m a friend? How could you call me a fool? Yes, you’re nobody here, I could put you in doggy style and *** now!” I was very hurt. To numb the pain, I cut my hands. Twice my mother found me crying in the kitchen, gave me Corvalol and said that it was all my fault. She called her stepfather's threats jokes, which I take seriously solely because of my anger and desire to set up a good person. Over time, the situation only got worse. In the fourth year, threats began again: my stepfather once a month vividly told me how he would kill me.
Once on the Internet I came across an excerpt from a book by Patricia Evans that talked about gaslighting, and I realized that it was all about me. That I am accused without guilt, that I am forbidden to have feelings, to react to violence. Then I turned to the crisis center for advice, they promised me an apartment for three months. I ran away from home, first to a friend, a month later to an apartment in the center, and two months later I started renting my own. Since then I have not communicated with my parents. My relatives believe that I abandoned my family, offended good people, and that emotional abuse is the norm for them.
Because of the psychological abuse I experienced, I began to believe that all people are scum who enjoy causing pain and suffering to others. Now I'm trying to look at the world differently. My nervous system is undermined, I go to a psychologist and take antidepressants.
“I always found myself guilty”
Olga, 37 years old
At the age of 21, I started dating a young man from parallel. For me this was my second relationship. The first ones ended quickly, there was not much love there. This time everything was different: an incredible emotional upsurge, a smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach.
After a while, I began to notice that my boyfriend behaved in companies as if we were not a couple. He could also disappear without warning for several days. I sincerely thought that he was doing this not out of malice and unconsciously, that I would tell him how I saw it all, and he would understand. However, after the first conversation on this topic, I felt drenched in slop and very guilty: I misunderstood everything, he didn’t mean anything like that, I’m just reacting strangely. Since childhood, my parents instilled in me a sense of guilt, so anyone could instill it without much difficulty, especially people close to me, whose opinion I valued very much. Therefore, for some time after this conversation, I convinced myself that I needed to treat his behavior “adequately” and turn a blind eye. Soon I tried to talk about this with the young man again - with exactly the same result: I turned out to be guilty.
At the end of the relationship, my boyfriend became even more insolent: he almost openly flirted with other girls and in public tried to pretend that we were just here together on business. My friends tried to open my eyes, but I still didn’t discuss his behavior with him because I knew how it would end. I didn’t have the strength to break off the relationship; I was painfully dependent on him. Those who have experienced psychological violence in relationships will understand me: the emotional “swing”, when you are either raised to heaven or humiliated, becomes very attached to your partner. As a result, he broke off the relationship, saying that he had someone else.
Four years of gaslighting have left their mark on me. In a moment of despair, I told my friend: “I can’t even imagine why anyone could love me.” It took me a long time to restore my self-esteem. One psychotherapist advised me to register on a dating site, and, oddly enough, it helped me improve my self-esteem. There I met my future husband. I hooked him not with my appearance, but with my mind, but by the time I met him, my self-esteem and pride were close to normal. There is no emotional abuse in our relationship. I can discuss difficult moments with him. I'm lucky: he hears me and listens. I know that there is nothing special about this, this is the basis of normal partnerships. But I also know how different things could be, so I appreciate my husband and am grateful to him.
Can a husband fall in love again?
Life is unpredictable, so this outcome is quite likely. But for this a woman must make some effort. First of all, you need to remember how the relationship began and what initially attracted the man. Having analyzed the relationship, the wife must also realize her mistakes, because there probably were some. It is useless to shift the blame only to the husband; this position is doomed to failure.
There are always signs that a husband does not love his wife. What signs may indicate this - you need to figure it out. A woman knows her husband better than anyone, so it will not be difficult for her to identify the factors that provoke irritation. You should start working on your relationship by eliminating the reasons that cause your husband’s dissatisfaction.
Sometimes in such cases, a joint trip or a weekend spent together will be indispensable. The opportunity to retire and talk calmly is an important step towards mutual understanding.
A difficult situation always arises if the husband does not love his wife. What to do is up to the woman to decide. When she wants to return her husband's love, she should not impose herself and become his shadow - this will push him away and cause a new wave of irritation. You cannot show your loneliness and melancholy. A confident and happy woman is much more attractive. For a husband to look at his wife with different eyes, she must love herself and believe in her attractiveness and exclusivity. It is unlikely that a husband will want to idolize a woman who does not believe in herself.
My husband constantly reproaches me for everything.
Inna, hello. It is important to know whether your husband has always been like this or has started to behave like this, recently, having realized that you are financially dependent on him and in this way he shows his importance by playing the “thrifty and ideal man.” I can assume that your husband was initially like this, only when you were busy not only raising children, you tolerated it more easily and did not pay attention to such behavior. First of all, you must understand and accept for yourself that you do not live at the expense of your husband, but are raising children together and this is valuable, at least no less if you worked. Your husband is now taking advantage of the fact that you cannot start working, because he understands that you will not leave your 7-month-old baby and cannot start working. Your financial demands are clearly not exaggerated... You don’t require a nanny for children, trips to a restaurant, expensive concerts, or sports clubs, do you?
What should I do?
Considering your question about where you want to keep your family, I will not consider the option of divorce. Now I will write exactly what not to do, but worldly psychologists may “advise” you and you will make the situation even worse:
1. Under no circumstances should you talk about divorce, since you don’t want this yourself, and the most important thing is that your husband will quickly get used to it and will not take you seriously.. Given his character, he himself will begin to tell you that you can get a divorce... which will devalue you even more.
2. You may come across a recommendation to “live separately.” In most cases, this recommendation is the beginning of the end of a relationship or throughout life, a game of “leaving and coming” can be traced, which is already becoming familiar to the family... and everyone understands that in the end they will be together again. The recommendation to “live separately” can be used as an exceptional case, which is not relevant in your situation and will only do harm...
A person can change only when there is awareness of the problem and, most importantly, the DESIRE to solve this problem. So far, the husband definitely has no desire to solve this problem... At the level of “everyday vampirism,” he has already gotten into the habit of “grumbling,” calmly conveying his point of view, where he is already waiting in advance for “your explosion” and then he will “throw out his negativity.” blaming you for everything, where in his opinion he is a “good and caring husband”, and you do not know how to control your emotions. After this, the husband calms down and is satisfied with life, and you are emotionally exhausted... and you need time to recover... before the next “reasonable nagging from your husband.”
You personally need to realize that your real victory will be if you do not follow your husband’s script, from which he receives pleasure, at least on an unconscious level. Therefore, your strength lies in an ADEQUATE attitude to the situation, calmness, and the use of elements of humor when the situation requires. If you change your behavior pattern, then at least you will not suffer and ruin your life from “your husband’s nagging and saving”, and there is also a high probability that your husband will change his behavior pattern, seeing that you do not react painfully to his “ teachings"
When he starts again, monitor this pattern of behavior at the initial stage and look at your husband as a “comic character,” realizing that you don’t have to follow the previous scenario and already receive moral satisfaction from this. You need to compose several phrases that, if necessary, you can say to him and change them depending on the situation or remain silent altogether. For example, you can answer him in your own words, but with the following meaning:
1. I probably love you because of your attitude towards your family, I decided not to argue anymore, since you will always be right. 2. Yes, you’re right, I want our children to grow up faster and for me to be able to go to work, so that there is more money in the family and we don’t count every penny. 3. I’m already thinking about looking for a job, but I’ll have to find a nanny who will have to pay a salary. 4. I want to start visiting the sports section to be attractive, but since there is no money for this, I have to be content with rare shopping trips. 5. If something as absurd as the lights not being turned off, then you can calmly answer him that you are very grateful for reminding him that we need to save electricity, maybe we will actually become richer if we manage to save on this.
You need to speak based on the situation, calmly, confidently, but try to avoid sarcasm. At the beginning he may be dissatisfied, let him shout... as soon as he shouts, he will stop, and at that moment you will realize that you are no longer following his lead and are actually changing your behavior model.
You also shouldn’t forget about compliments if your husband really deserves it. No matter what kind of husband you are, you are first and foremost a WOMAN and you need to look good, think about how to take into account your husband’s character, find mutual interests and enjoy it yourself! You need to be flexible in family relationships. If you are boring, then act ADEQUATELY, as written above, but if you see that everything is really good, then enjoy your family life. After all, the goal is not to “build up a husband,” but to improve family relationships, where everyone will be happy: you, your husband, your children!
I recommend that you read VIRGINIA SATIRE’S BOOKS, if you enter this into any search engine, you will find them; in my opinion, these are some of the best books on family psychology. Also read the book by the author V.P. SHEINOV “Hidden Human Control” (by entering the author and the title of the book, you will also find it), where you will also find useful information for yourself, learn to competently respond to manipulation, give compliments and much more. I understand that given your situation, you do not have the opportunity to contact a psychologist, then you need to start studying on your own what will bring success to the whole family.
With all my heart, I wish you success and all the best!!!
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Honor and Praise
Any man loves to be admired. This is an integral feature of their nature, and many wise women take advantage of it. When a wife praises her husband and emphasizes his strengths, he feels confident next to her, and will constantly return for a new portion of admiration.
Probably every woman thinks from time to time: if the husband does not love his wife, what signs should be present. Joint conversations on topics that are interesting to both will help to renew old feelings. A woman can surprise her husband with her knowledge in various fields and show that she is smart and educated.
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I really want to share my story of a “happy divorce” to show others: divorce is not the end and end, it’s just the beginning.
Despite the fact that I had enough bitterness, resentment, tears and despair…
Today I am 29 years old, I am raising a six-year-old daughter. You have been married to your ex-husband for more than 6 years. She got married at 21, while still a university student. Thanks to the help of our parents, we built a luxurious 3-room apartment, and we had everything that many families can only dream of for a happy life: my ex-husband is an official (at the moment quite high-ranking).
Problems in our family began almost immediately after the cherished registration of marriage. My husband was completely focused only on his career, it seemed to me that, apart from work, he was not interested in anything else... He stayed at work until late if necessary, went to work on Saturdays, endless banquets, buffets with “bosses, directors and just the right people” , after which he came home in such a state that it was scary to look at him.
As an ideal wife, I had to take care of the house all day, and when the child came, I had to take care of the child. My circle of contacts narrowed sharply after marriage, my husband did not approve of meeting with friends, he was annoyed even by my communication with the closest people - my mother and aunt.
It always seemed to him that he was being judged and slandered. As a result, I had to communicate with my girlfriends rarely and secretly, and the telephone conversation with my mother was interrupted when the “beloved” crossed the threshold of the house.
We had neither common interests (despite the fact that our age difference is small, 6 years), nor common friends and acquaintances. And at home we had a continuous command-administrative system, like under Stalin, life according to a schedule...
But the reason to file for divorce was not the lack of contact between me and my husband, not the endless inner loneliness - after all, I’m not a child, I understood that there is no such thing as ideal...
The other thing is scary - it is for this reason that I decided to write a letter: let my story be heard by those who are sobbing into their pillows, gritting their teeth in pain and resentment - my ex-husband beat me in fits of anger... To the point of terrible bruises and abrasions. This process was accompanied by humiliation and insults.
You know, when something like this happens to you, you always think: this is only one time. Well, he lost his temper, asked for forgiveness, the next day - flowers, apologies, good words... And it seems that everything has been forgotten, here he is again so loving... And then, as if in a vicious circle, again and again, only without apologies, beautiful words and colors.
Girls!
A person who once crossed the line towards you will never stop.
I remember this huge apartment, in which I counted the corners where I could hide, torn clothes, pain, clenched teeth (so as not to scare the sleeping child), tears and the worst thing - his bulging eyes, in which there is no pity. When I tried to call my family or the police, my mobile phone immediately crashed into the wall. And the husband immediately warned: “If you call the police even once or film the beating, I will bury you alive.”
When my daughter began to grow up, scandals began to happen in front of her. The child became withdrawn and fearful; every time she raised her voice on the street or at a party, she began to cry...
The last circumstance was that one day before the New Year, in response to my question “what do you want from Grandfather Frost for the New Year?” my daughter replied, “Good dad.”
I cried for probably 2 hours, I was shaking and pounding, I asked myself the same question: “Why?”
I won’t hide the fact that I withdrew the first application that I filed for divorce at the end of the reconciliation period - after all, I wanted to believe that a person in fear of losing his family can change, but alas...
The divorce was long and painful, the husband simply did not come to the court hearings, he said: “Suffer, bitch, that’s what you need”... Everything was complicated by the fact that the apartment, which was actually built with my parents’ money, was considered jointly acquired property. I had nowhere to go with my child, I had to live in different rooms, it was the most terrible period in my life...
The marriage was dissolved. I realized that I had to move on somehow. I began to frantically look for acquaintances, connections, something to latch on to. As a result, I ended up working at a large enterprise as a training specialist. The most important issue remained - housing.
When the post-divorce passions subsided, I began a constructive dialogue with my ex-spouse, armed with a bunch of legal books, articles and laws. Through lengthy negotiations with my ex-husband, we decided to divide the amount from the sale of the apartment in a certain percentage, but even here, in order not to go to court, my ex demanded 10% more than what he was entitled to in court! You know, I was so tired of all this that I agreed.
At the moment I have a stable job with a good salary for Minsk, I am receiving a second higher education in economics, I have my own two-room apartment that is being renovated. My daughter will go to school in a year, everything I did was for her and for her sake.
The most difficult thing was to believe in myself, when even my own mother told me: “You are nothing without him, you can’t do it.”
But you have to cry it all out, forget, get up from your knees and move on. Remember what it means to be a woman...
Let out what has been suppressed for so many years: beauty, lively emotions, intelligence...
Now a completely different woman is looking at me from the mirror - young, beautiful, confident in herself and, most importantly, in the future.
Every morning I wake up, hear the laughter of my child, the sound of bare feet on the floor and silence! I am the happiest: my house is now quiet...
I want every woman who finds herself in a similar situation to understand: we are all strong, you just have to believe!
And each of us is the creator of our own destiny.
If you decide to leave...
Family life is not an easy matter, so it often ends in divorce. When people have different values and perceptions of the world, it is not easy for them to find a common language and maintain love. At the beginning of a relationship, very little attention is paid to this fact; it seems that all difficulties are surmountable. But when feelings cool down, optimism quickly disappears, and a situation often arises when the husband does not love his wife. Any wife knows what signs will help determine this.
If a woman realizes that she is not ready to live with a man who does not love her, she decides to leave him. In such cases, resentment and misunderstanding do not allow you to objectively assess the situation, but it is worth making an effort and parting correctly. There is no need to blame your husband for lack of love; it is better to try to accept reality and let him go. Perhaps then the relationship will move to a new level, and everyone will be able to live their own lives.
Andrei KONCHALOVSKY: My wife hits me on the head with terrible force
For the last 10 years, Andrei Sergeevich lived in absolute harmony in his marriage to Yulia Vysotskaya.
Photo: Anatoly ZHDANOV
On his birthday, Konchalovsky was clearly lucky. In Budapest, August 20 is a national holiday, St. Stephen's Day. Taking advantage of the extra day off, the director ran away from the set of the new film “The Nutcracker,” which he is filming in Hungary, and flew to Moscow for a day and a half. Either from the meeting with the Motherland, or from the upcoming program of the visit - the premiere of the film “Gloss”, the presentation of the new book “On the Reactionary’s Tribune” - Andrei Sergeevich was in a great mood.
Filming is war
— Over the years, you feel a lack of time, what do you personally lack it for?
— There is not enough time to play more sports. At my age, you need at least three hours a day to exercise. But since I’m currently filming “The Nutcracker,” a musical for children, which, by the way, I conceived many years ago with Andrei Tarkovsky, and then wrote the script with my father, I work twelve hours a day, 6 days a week. Filming is like war or professional boxing, where the rounds go one after another.
— If you had free time, what would you spend it on?
-...For example, I would grow olives. Between filming, of course. My friend, the famous Swedish actor Max von Sydow (worldwide fame came to him after the films of the great Bergman - Ed.), lives in the south of France and breeds... donkeys. When we meet him and have lunch, he suddenly apologizes and says that he has to go feed the donkeys. It gives him such pleasure that I even envy him.
— How do you relax?
— My rest is when I come home and the children are already asleep. Or in the morning, when we have breakfast together. 5 - 10 minutes are enough to feel that they are here, nearby. For me now it’s relaxation when I’m at home. And home is where the children are, so I try to go everywhere with my family. It was different before.
Most people are unhappy precisely because their life is not what they want. They invent a life for themselves and are very upset when everything happens differently. And if someone manages to follow the planned course, then it is by chance. We don't even know what will happen to us in two hours. We are planning for tomorrow, and tomorrow there is a typhoon, an earthquake - and everything collapses... Therefore, do what you must, and come what may. You are being carried along, and all you can do is row in one direction, then in the other. But it’s still impossible to get off the train, and there is no stop valve or brakes. When you start to think about it, the value of life becomes completely different.
— And when did you think about a train that carries everyone to one final station?
- Very late, about sixty years old. But the sooner you think about the transience of life, the happier you live.
“I don’t think I’ve created anything that will last.”
— And if we sum up the preliminary results, are there things that you are proud of?
“I don’t think I created something that will remain for centuries in the history of art.” Everything is ephemeral. It is a great illusion that art can transform anything. The hope is not to save humanity, but to do the best possible good for one or two people.
We must enjoy what is happening now, and not what will happen after us. But I would like to leave behind children and grandchildren who will remember me well.
And then our philosophical conversation was interrupted by a telephone call from the director’s wife, actress Yulia Vysotskaya, on a very earthly topic. Yulia, who, by the way, is 36 years younger than Andrei Sergeevich, asked Konchalovsky what dress she should wear to the premiere of the film “Gloss”. “Wear something more transparent,” my husband advised.
— Does your wife follow your advice in everything?
“She is an insecure person, for example, about the way she looks, that’s why she asks.” But I am very confident in other things. Let's say, in her opinion, I should not make noise when the children are sleeping. And he hits me on the head with terrible force for this. She is the mistress, the colonel in the house, she must swing the saber. Honestly, it makes me very happy that I have to listen to her. There is less responsibility,” Konchalovsky explains his position with a smile.
Tolstoy has run out of testosterone
— Was it the other way around in previous families?
- Certainly. I was the owner, everything was done as I wanted. And I myself was different too. I had a different idea of what I should have and what needs I should satisfy. Believed that freedom is most important. In general, men are very superficial creatures, especially when they have a lot of testosterone (the main male hormone - Ed.). Leo Tolstoy, a wild womanizer in his youth, began to hate women in his old age and write moral parables. Why? The testosterone ran out and he turned into a nasty old man. He, poor fellow, did not know that his hormonal cocktail had changed. They didn't do this then. Men are a product of their hormonal conditions.
- Looking at you, despite being seventy years old, it seems that you are now having the best period in your life.
- Undoubtedly. When you realize that the train is still going in the wrong direction you would like, you begin to appreciate other things...
- What exactly?
- Oh, Lord... Morning, which paints the walls of the ancient Kremlin with a gentle light... Evening, delicious food, a woman's thigh... Previously it was... “consumation”, that is, consumer attitude translated from English. And now, I think that five hundred grams of caviar is better than 5 kilos. From excess and satiety, you will begin to feel sick or have diarrhea.
Read about the premiere of the film “Gloss” HERE.
What do the experts say?
If a husband does not love his wife, the psychologist’s advice boils down to one thing - to analyze the relationship and future prospects. It is important to understand that all couples feel cooling at some point in time. As the cold drags on, the woman begins to realize that perhaps her husband has stopped loving her. It seems that he lives his own life in which she has no place.
Each family may have its own reasons why it seems that the husband does not love his wife. The signs need to be considered only as a whole. Psychologists believe that most often feelings cool down due to the fact that there was not enough emotional intimacy between spouses. Misunderstanding leads to the fact that the couple cannot find a compromise and come to an agreement. Problems grow, irritation accumulates, and quarrels do not die down.
Determining the reality of threats
In order to accuse a spouse under Article 119 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation “Threat of murder and infliction of grievous bodily harm,” it is necessary to prove the unequivocality and certainty of the threats voiced by him, i.e. the potential reality of their implementation.
The reality of the threats may be:
- Subjective, when the wife is convinced that her husband really intended to kill her, but the husband tried to simply intimidate her, limiting himself to psychological influence on the wife;
- Objective, when the threats of physical harm or murder were real and the husband really wanted (or even tried) to kill his wife.
Regardless of the nature of the threats, the corpus delicti is formed already at the stage of voicing the spouse’s intentions to cause physical harm to his wife, which can lead to death.
Translating threats of physical violence or murder into reality is prosecuted under another article of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation.
What to do?
When a woman realizes that her husband has lost interest in her, she thinks about how to return his feelings. But first of all, it’s worth figuring out: is it necessary to do this? Often, attempts to get a man to talk end in failure, since he is unlikely to discuss his feelings.
To avoid another scandal, a woman must express her thoughts calmly and judiciously, without stooping to insults. How does a husband behave if he doesn’t love his wife? By his behavior, intonation and words, you can understand whether there is a chance to restore the family or whether you need to come to terms with reality.
When a relationship feels like a one-way game, the wife needs to think about herself and remember that she also has the right to be happy. There is no need to continue meaningless conversations and try with all your might to keep your husband. Such actions will not lead to the creation of a strong family, but will bring new disappointments and collapse of hope.
A woman must realize that, clinging to the back of a leaving man, she will never feel needed and desired. Sometimes loneliness is much more pleasant than constant torment and suffering, so you shouldn’t be afraid of it. In addition, the wife will have time to find peace of mind and harmony, which will be useful for building new relationships. It is important to realize that your own happiness does not depend on the actions of other people, it is achieved as a result of painstaking internal work on yourself.
What to do if your husband criticizes you on a constant basis?
A woman usually endures for a long time, tries to look for flaws in herself and fulfill her husband’s demands. It is so arranged by nature that the weaker sex strives to preserve the hearth and keep the man near them.
But let's reason. When we get married, we dream of love and support. The main goal of the family is to make life easier for both spouses, to provide protection, opportunities for material and internal growth.
If this is not the case, and criticism only weakens the woman, driving her into complexes and depression, then it is worth thinking about the need to maintain the relationship. Imagine that the husband is the first to decide to break up. And such a scenario is quite possible, since criticism suggests that you and your family have lost their former value for him, he does not value you. In what state will you be left alone, will you be able to build your life from scratch? No, by that time all the juices will be squeezed out of you without a trace.
You need to think about the need to solve the problem if the criticism:
- is of a regular, systemic nature;
- does not convey constructiveness and desire to help;
- insults dignity, humiliates;
- used in trifles or for no reason at all.
No one will decide for you whether you need to stay with a man or divorce. But here's what needs to be done.
Deal with self-esteem
You are alone and born to be happy. No one has the right to consider you bad, inept, or ugly. In the end, they love not for something, but in spite of it!
Analyze your spouse's motives
Try to understand the reasons for the endless criticism. We have outlined the main ones in this article. If you understand that your husband behaves this way due to lack of self-confidence, try praising him and supporting him for a while. Perhaps the insults will stop.
Stop tolerating
Say directly that you are not satisfied with the insults and you no longer intend to tolerate them. Set your boundaries, show that you have value and no one has the right to destroy it. If you constantly swallow grievances, you can get sick. The psyche will suffer in any case.
