Preparing for a wedding is often accompanied by a huge amount of hassle, which only a professional wedding ceremony organizer can handle. However, the fuss and worry of solving current problems are trivial experiences compared to a more difficult problem.
Pre-wedding depression. It destroys faith in the future happiness of even those brides who have spent a long time with their chosen one in a civil marriage and are planning to register their relationship in connection with the expectation of a baby.
Psychologists offer several recommendations for women who are in a healthy relationship with their fiancé, but are unable to cope with psychological problems on the eve of the wedding.
What causes pre-wedding depression in a bride?
Let's figure out how the human brain works, in particular, the limbic system - a functional association of brain structures that are involved in organizing emotional and motivational behavior, including activating defensive instincts during any changes in a person’s lifestyle, even positive ones.
That is, the emotional process of anxiety or panic starts even when joyful events happen in your life - you graduated from school and entered a good institute, moved from a rented apartment to your own, quit a bad job and found the one you dreamed of.
This is especially true for personal relationships, when instead of being close to your parents or being alone, life with your future husband awaits you.
The same applies to changing social roles. If you were a mistress or cohabitant, and will soon become an official wife, unfortunately, you cannot avoid a panic reaction to a change in status.
However, you should not give in to despondency. The reaction to positive changes lasts 2-3 weeks, then addiction sets in. And during this period, your consciousness will try in every possible way to justify the negative emotions imposed on you by the proper functioning of the limbic system of the brain.
When Fear Becomes a Mental Illness
If you can’t deal with pre-wedding fear on your own, it’s better to talk to a psychologist and find out the reasons why the girl is afraid to get married.
It is important to have a clear understanding of the line between normal anxiety and mental illness. A mental illness in which a girl is afraid to get married is called gamophobia. Factors associated with the development of the disease include previous divorce, parents’ unsuccessful marriage experience, childhood trauma associated with frequent quarrels between father and mother, and suggestions from the outside that marriage does not bring happiness.
Gamophobe is terrified of weddings. As soon as a loved one hints at officially registering the relationship, the woman begins to avoid him and subsequently breaks off the relationship.
Suffering from gamophobia, a girl may agree to get married, but on the appointed day she may run away. Signs of gamophobia are panic attacks, darkening of the eyes, and trembling hands. The disease can be cured with the help of a specialist who will recommend attending group auto training. They are conducted by psychotherapists and help overcome fear of the upcoming wedding.
How to destroy negativity and get rid of a depressive mood
The most popular thoughts justifying your doubts about the wedding, causing depression and pre-wedding panic:
- this is not my person;
- We won’t succeed;
- I'm not ready for family life;
- I will meet the one I dreamed of;
- my ex-lover remembers me and is waiting for an opportunity to make me happy.
Subject every thought to a rigorous logical assessment:
1). The concept of “my man” is used, as a rule, in romance novels and feature films.
2). How your family relationships will develop will become known only over time.
3). You can’t be unprepared for family life; you can only either want to have a family or not.
4). You are unlikely to meet the one you once dreamed of, because time has passed and you still have not met him.
5). Your ex-lover may occasionally remember you, but if he still hasn’t made any real attempts to find you and bring you back, you shouldn’t count on him. And here and now next to you, a man who has earned your sympathy and trust expresses love and care every day in the hope of becoming a good husband to you.
After all, why not compare your future spouse with the characters of your dreams, whose images are dictated by popular culture, highlighting his best features, and not with imposed examples of male perfection, especially when it comes to appearance.
Men's fears before the wedding
Wedding Remember the joke: “One bachelor’s iron broke, and he turned to his neighbor for help.
He was not going to refuse the request, but since he knew that the man had been living alone for a long time, he decided to help in a friendly way. Moreover, I recently asked him why he was always on his own, and he answered: “I’ve been looking for a life partner for a long time, but I just can’t meet the right one...”. So a neighbor suggested we go down two floors below, where a lonely, pretty woman lives. Let him ask her for an iron, and at the same time they can get to know each other. Who knows, maybe something will come of this acquaintance. The bachelor goes down two floors and thinks: “Yes, it would be nice to start a family with a good woman. After all, I’ve been looking for the one for a long time. And if you look at it this way... Did you come home drunk again? You spend more time with friends than with your family! On Odnoklassniki, your friends are all women! Are you going fishing again? Who will repair the door on the balcony?! I sat down to watch football again!... Maybe I’m looking for family happiness in vain?”
So in his thoughts he goes to the door and rings the bell. The door opens, and a pleasant woman smiles at him... and he says to her: Fuck you... with your iron!!!”
This happens in life too... Often, before a wedding, men experience not just panic, but real stress, and they turn into one big doubt and cannot decide between “getting married” and “not getting married.”
Of course, we women are no exception, and the closer the long-awaited day is, the more anxiety and uncertainty creep into our heads. But this does not compare with what the stronger sex feels.
What fears settle in the minds of our faithful before a fabulous day? To have a clear picture, I turned to men who had already experienced this feeling and psychologists.
1. Fear of change. Whatever one may say, a family is not a civil marriage, so you will have to make adjustments to your usual life. And then men have many questions: will she take care of me as before, will she be a good wife and mother, will she turn into a grumpy old woman with age? And for some, even thoughts about baby diapers, unwashed dishes and a trash can can drive them into deep depression.
2. Fear from the approaching sense of responsibility. “Now I have to give my wife and children everything they need. In a sense, I am turning into a person on whose shoulders the whole world will rest.” Alexey, 25 years old. Indeed, many men are driven by the phobia that they will not be able to provide everything necessary for their future family.
3. Fear of loss of freedom. In a family you always have to sacrifice something. If previously a man spent every weekend with friends, hunting and fishing were weekly events, now he will have to take into account the opinion of his wife, which means... changing the weekend program. Maybe not always, but in most cases.
4. Fear of being deceived. Suddenly this sweet girl with such honest blue eyes will turn into a fatal beast and will not only destroy the male ego with numerous betrayals, but will also take away half of his fortune.
5. Fear of losing love. Some believe that living together can crowd out romance from a relationship, and the bright feelings that brought two loving people to the registry office will go out as soon as the basket in the bathroom is filled with dirty laundry.
Everything that happens (and doesn’t happen) to us is the result of our work, our thoughts, our actions. Family life can be turned into a holiday, into an eternal honeymoon, or you can even arrange everything in such a way that just the word “marriage” will make you shiver. In general, everything is in our hands, girls. Indeed, in most cases, it is the woman who directs the family fairy tale (or family horror).
Chapter from Natalia Barinova’s book “The Wedding of Your Dreams. Encyclopedia for happy brides."
What to do in this situation
Here are some tips that will help you get rid of pre-wedding depression, save your wedding and maintain good relationships with your parents and groom.
Don't tell your fiance everything that's bothering you.
If possible, spend as little time with your fiancé as possible. You will want to talk, a lot, for a long time and with sobs. However, it is not his fault that your limbic system is working perfectly. If you tell him your thoughts in detail, no one guarantees that his proposal will remain valid.
Don’t let your loved ones know about your experiences
In an attack of melancholy or anger, provoked by depression, you can exaggerate the minor shortcomings of the groom, and mom and dad will be unable to give up their beloved daughter for such a monster.
Focus on your breathing more often
For example, every day for five minutes. And let only two thoughts wander through your charming head at this time: inhalation and exhalation. Melancholy, anxiety and doubts will turn to dust before the all-powerful breath of life - a simple life in which a wedding is a joyful holiday that opens up a happy future for you and your chosen one.
Reasons for Doubts
The extravagance and courage of the heroine of the film “Runaway Bride” can be envied. She cast aside prejudices, did not care about the opinions of others and did it her own way, running away straight from the crown. However, it's easier said than done. A modern bride is unlikely to decide on such a rash act.
There are many reasons why the question arises of whether to marry a person or not. I will give the most important ones:
- Uncertainty. The bride does not know what she herself wants from life, or is not completely sure of her partner’s love.
- Pressure. It can come from the parents, the groom, or from the girl herself.
- Treason. If a man cheated even before the wedding, doubts are completely justified. In this case, it is better to refuse marriage.
- Intuition. The sixth sense rarely fails. It's worth listening to him.
- A load of everyday issues. If the problem of housing, finances, etc. hangs over the couple, this makes it difficult to enjoy the holiday.
Before the wedding, a woman should not have any doubts. Confidence in choosing a partner is the key to a happy marriage for many years.
Positive exercise
Do a simple writing exercise for ten days. Every day, for 15 minutes, write down happy memories of your relationship on paper in detail. One memory for every day.
This could be an acquaintance, the first kiss or the first night, a party with friends, going to a club, a date in a cafe or drinking tea while watching a movie. The main thing is to remember and write about all the circumstances. Time of year, time of day, setting, what clothes you were wearing, what you were thinking about, what emotions you were experiencing.
This writing practice is a very popular means of psychological self-help; it will start the process of positive thinking and help overcome the defensive reaction of your psyche.
Stress: pre-wedding turmoil and the bride's main fears
Each person is unique and has his own attitude to surrounding actions and events. It is for this reason that one girl is more concerned about the process of the ceremony, while the other is more concerned about the color of the tablecloth on the table. We have compiled for you a list of the main reasons and fears that cause stress before the wedding for the bride.
I do not have time for anything
Perhaps this problem is faced by many brides who decide to take on the entire burden of organizing the celebration. There are a lot of tasks, but not enough time to cope with them properly.
I dreamed of a different image
Many brides, when choosing a wedding dress, hairstyle, makeup, look at the photos they like and try to completely repeat the image of the brides from the covers. At the same time, they do not always take into account what best suits their appearance, face shape, hair length, figure - this absolutely cannot be done before the wedding.
I'm afraid to say something wrong
Pre-wedding anxiety for brides often stems from the ceremony. It can be very difficult to get yourself together when you have so many people's attention on you. Many people are afraid to do or say something wrong.
I can not dance
The wedding dance is one of the most touching and romantic moments of the celebration, but it is also a reason that causes stress. Your wedding will not be any worse if it does not have all kinds of supports and sophisticated movements. Not everyone can dance well.
And if everything doesn't go according to plan
Unfortunately, at a wedding, like at any other event, various force majeure situations may arise. The fear that something will go wrong causes a lot of anxiety before the wedding, because it is impossible to be prepared for everything.
Responsibility of the moment
Many, realizing the full responsibility and significance of the event, involuntarily begin to experience stress. This can subsequently lead to even bigger problems, because it is often accompanied by unnecessary thoughts and overthinking oneself.
Ruin the dress
There are many factors that can irrevocably ruin your dress. Rain, mud, wine, sauce - these are the nightmares of any bride and any wedding dress.
Solution
The trick is to plan for all of this in advance. So, during rain, it would be advisable to conduct a photo shoot not on wet grass, but on a dry surface. And during the wedding dinner, don't forget about napkins. Just in case, take with you wet wipes and thread and a needle to quickly “reanimate” the dress.
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Can't fit into a wedding dress
As soon as you saw your dress, you immediately fell in love with it. And this love turned out to be mutual - it fit you like a glove. What if you gain weight before the wedding, and on day X it suddenly doesn’t fasten on you? Don't go to the altar in a robe and slippers!
Solution
Calm down. This fear is common to many brides. The stress of the last days before the wedding is usually so exhausting that you are unlikely to gain weight, but rather, on the contrary, you will lose a couple of kilograms. To be sure, try on a dress a couple of days before the wedding and make sure that you are still you, and the dress still fits perfectly.
How to look great on your wedding day: tips on sports and nutrition
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Doesn't look good in photos
Can a bride or a happy couple be ugly? Photographs create emotions, not just the appearance of their subjects.
Solution
All you have to do is smile and be yourself, and then your wedding photo shoot will be beautiful! And, of course, find a good photographer. And to be sure that you are irresistible, trust your image only to a professional makeup artist and stock up on powder, mattifying wipes and lip gloss.
Some of the guests will behave inappropriately
Showdowns, broken dishes, obscene dancing or toasts - the list of delicate situations can be continued endlessly. But this does not mean that something like this will necessarily happen at your wedding.
Solution
If you feel that the guest is losing control of himself, ask one of your close relatives to talk to him in private. As a last resort, a rowdy guest can order a taxi. Under no circumstances should you create public scandals or get upset by the guests’ drunken antics - after all, you want everyone to remember your wedding not for this, but for positive emotions and your happy smiles!
What else shouldn't you worry about?
6 things you shouldn't worry about before your wedding
Oversleep training time
What if the alarm clock doesn’t go off and you wake up too late, when the stylist or, even worse, the groom with a bouquet is already ringing the doorbell?
Solution
All brides have difficulty falling asleep on the eve of the wedding and are so worried that they usually get up even earlier than the alarm clock. But if you often don’t hear the alarm clock and really might oversleep, ask your mom and a close friend to wake you up.
Calm morning for the bride: how to avoid stress?
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