Quarrel with parents - who hasn't experienced this? The conflict between “fathers and children” can be found in almost every family. Your parents lived in a different time with their own rules, morals and foundations. It is sometimes difficult for them to understand that progress does not stand still. Every day something new is invented. Parents physically do not have time to follow all the innovations.
This article will be interesting not only for young readers, but also for their parents. I will tell you how to maintain warm family relationships and how to avoid quarrels.
Comply with their requirements
I'm sure you live with your parents. Keep their demands and your promises. If you promised to be home at ten, come at ten, because even if you are five to ten minutes late, a scandal may await you at home. You promised to walk the dog, since your younger brother, who does this, is sick - take a walk. It all starts with small requests, promises and responsibilities. But it is precisely because of their violation that conflicts most often arise.
If you think that ten o'clock is too early to return from a walk, then understand one truth - your parents care about you. Indeed, it can be dangerous outside.
Mom and adult child - conflict under one roof
There are often cases of problematic relationships where adult children and their mothers play the main roles. It doesn’t matter the age of the child, he himself can be a parent, but the mother continues to swear, harass, and manipulate. There are only two options here.
- The first is finding a compromise, patience, calm arguments.
- The second is to follow your own path in life, separate from your tyrannical parent, and acquire your own, albeit rented, housing.
Yes, not everyone has the opportunity to do this, since there is a certain dependence on their ancestors: financial, looking after grandchildren, health problems, reluctance to grow up, etc. Well, we will have to return to the first option - compromises, patience, arguments.
No hysterics!
Yes, as a child, tears could work wonders - they bought you a new toy or allowed you to enjoy a second helping of ice cream. Childhood has passed, as has the effectiveness of the methods you used at age five. It’s not for nothing that popular wisdom says: tears cannot help grief. You have matured. Try not to scream, cry or throw tantrums when talking with your parents. This is a childish behavior pattern. Show your maturity and maturity: give arguments, theses, talk about the reasons.
Demonstrative silence
Sit in the corner of the room, take a sullen pose and a hostile expression on your face, and with your eyes send offended glances at your parents... This is also not the best tactic in a quarrel. Yes, this “war” can go on forever - a day or two, and then you yourself won’t like it, because in this way you won’t achieve what you want, but will only worsen the situation in the family.
The worst thing is that other family members may suffer - brothers, sisters, grandparents and even pets - cats, dogs, rabbits... Often, two sides try to find allies in these people. Imagine this situation: you quarreled with your mother, told your younger sister about it, who shared the news with her grandfather, who did not share your opinion. And poor Tuzik becomes the last one - the favorite of the family, because both you, grandfather, and mother want to take a walk with him, but because of your conflicts, no one can decide who will do this task. Who benefits from this?
Why doesn't maternal love turn on? How to forgive your mother?
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Throughout her childhood, the girl felt that her mother did not love her.
- That it’s a burden for mom to play with her or do her homework.
- That mom gets annoyed every time the girl talks to her, needs attention or asks for help.
— Mom uses every opportunity to place the child with anyone. Just to chat with friends, take care of yourself, spend time with your husband.
- Her own daughter is an annoying nuisance for her...
Usually such stories end with a general, even silent condemnation of the mother. “How could she treat her own child like that!” “Is the girl to blame for something, why is this happening to her?!”
But not at this time. In this article you will not find condemnation of mothers or pity for children. To understand and forgive, you must remain objective. Accusations, complaints, and immersion in difficult memories will not help matters.
Two sides of dislike
Childhood pain. Our first reaction is to call the mother heartless. Because with our adult minds we understand how this dislike hurts. Children think that they are to blame for something. That they weren’t good enough, didn’t try hard enough, weren’t obedient enough, didn’t study well, or caused a lot of trouble.
And then, in adulthood, these girls believe that they are unworthy of love. Therefore, they often end up in terrible stories with family violence, drugs, and other things.
Maternal pain. But there is another side. These are mothers who could not love their babies. None of them will complain, ask for help, or even ask a friend for advice.
Because it’s embarrassing and scary to admit that your own baby, who is not to blame for anything, only causes irritation. And sometimes a flashing thought: “Why did I give birth to you?” — makes the situation even worse.
This is just the everyday truth. And it is impossible to escape from it. Just like from your unloved child.
It turns out that the situation “Why doesn’t my mother love me” is not so clear-cut. We have two victims. Who is guilty? And what to do with these childhood memories of unloving? How to forgive a mother who should love you unconditionally, but did not?
Mother's love button did not turn on
Surely you have seen more than once in the movies how a woman takes a child in her arms for the first time and all glows with love and tenderness. She feels the happiest and immediately forgets the horrors of childbirth.
This footage is based on a real physiological mechanism - the production of oxytocin. During the first breastfeeding, a powerful release of hormones occurs, which turns the mother into a “tiger”, ready to protect her baby from the whole world.
However, this oxytocin-induced euphoria is not available to everyone. About 20% of mothers experience neither tenderness nor love for their child. Their detachment is explained quite scientifically, at the level of biology. The mechanism for releasing hormones does not work - there is no crazy happiness, no maternal instinct.
Such mothers raise their children based on social obligations, but do not feel pleasure from communicating with the baby. And it’s not their fault, it’s their biologically determined misfortune.
Everyone wants their parents to love them without any doubt. Everyone dreams that childhood will be like in a fairy tale: your mother took you in her arms and said that you are her greatest happiness, her most important love. But life is not a fairy tale.
The mother whose story I told at the beginning of the article was unlucky with her oxytocin production. And this is a TROUBLE. Her and the child, unfortunately. But this is no one's fault. Just bad luck.
The mother herself would like to experience bursts of happiness and tenderness from communicating with the baby. But she doesn’t feel anything and therefore feels deceived. Everyone is lucky, but she is not.
Imagine her horror when she realized that she was not feeling what she was supposed to feel! How much I blamed myself for being heartless... How I was ashamed of myself, looking at happy mothers on the playground...
Hormonal love left without saying goodbye
There is another situation. For many, when a child turns 2-3 years old, the effect of oxytocin suddenly turns off. And the mother does not understand how this happened.
Why before this she was filled with tenderness, tenderness and maternal instinct, and then at one moment these feelings evaporated? And all that remained was irritation due to the fact that the small screaming creature constantly demands attention.
Is it the child’s fault that mom’s “biology didn’t turn on”?
If this is the story of your relationship with your mother, understand two things:
- Firstly, this happened not because you are bad or good, not because you behaved incorrectly. If your mother was one of the 20% of women whose biology did not work, she would not be able to love you, even if you were the most ideal child.
- Secondly, there are things that do not depend on us. The inclusion of love for the baby did not depend at all on either your mother or you.
Worrying about this is the same as suffering because of your height or physique. Some have wide bones, others have thin bones. Some have grown by 180 cm, others by 150. This is nature, and you are powerless to change anything.
"Why did this happen to me?"
The first reaction to the words: “You were unlucky, that’s why your mother didn’t love you” is an attack of self-pity. And also loud lamentations and angry questions:
- Why me?!
- Do I deserve this?
No, you don't deserve this. Yes, life is unfair. And some things just happen. Do you want to move on? Do you want parental dislike to stop influencing your life now? Accept this fact.
And to make it easier for you to cope with self-pity, think about this. In nature, the situation “love for offspring is not included” occurs as often as in people. Remember cats or dogs that experienced the same “cuckoo mode”.
It happens that a cat does not want to feed the kittens. She just throws them and leaves. In the wild, if a failure occurs and biology does not turn on, the brood dies.
Things are different for people. Sometimes the mother gets rid of the child by sending him to an orphanage. But the vast majority save their offspring, even if they do not experience love. The reason for such responsibility lies in social obligations and fear of condemnation by society.
It turns out that your mother had a choice of what to do with her unloved child. However, nothing can be done about the very fact that biology is not turned on.
“Why does mom love my brother, but not me?”
It may also be that love did not turn on only for the first child, but turned on for the next. You may be the result of an accidental pregnancy. Think about it, in those days it was not easy for a pregnant woman without a husband. Condemnation by society, sidelong glances from acquaintances, gossip and gossip accompanied her for all 9 months.
Giving birth without a husband must have frightened the woman; she constantly replayed many different fears in her head, and did not sleep at night from anxiety. By the way, women giving birth in Soviet maternity hospitals had something to fear. Partly, oxytocin love did not turn on because the hormones were blocked due to stress.
And the second baby was born in completely different conditions. He was desired and planned. Born already in marriage and from a beloved man. And there the maternal instinct worked correctly.
There are many manifestations of psychosomatics in this mechanism. Love is blocked when the mother is in a survival situation, even if it is morally and not physically. If a threat is present, the maternal instinct malfunctions.
Not to justify, but to accept and move on
Why all this talk about mothers who don't love their children? The only way to step over my mother’s dislike, through this childhood trauma, is to understand that there is no one to blame.
There is no monster that turned your childhood into a nightmare. But there are two unhappy people - small and big.
I am not at all calling to justify “bad” mothers. Despite the biological reasons, they had a choice. You may not experience oxytocin addiction, but still love your child with adult, conscious love. Like, for example, with friends.
Your task is to realize that it could not have been otherwise. Stop internal claims, demands and expectations towards the mother. Stop thinking: “Oh, if my mother loved me... I would be different now, I would live better and happier.” Stop looking back and regretting.
Just start living. Now. In your present. You are already an adult - love yourself.
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