After breaking up with my ex, my self-esteem dropped. 5 ways to quickly improve how you feel about yourself

Why self-esteem decreases

Before you begin to increase a woman’s self-esteem, it is important to determine what is meant by self-esteem. Simply put, this is the perception of one’s qualities and place determined in society. The formation of one's own perception is formed in childhood under the influence of the family. It depends on the parents whether their child will be successful or will constantly doubt his own abilities. According to family analysts, mothers and fathers should not use certain educational techniques, as they have a detrimental effect on the psyche of children.

Similar methods include:

• conversation in an orderly tone;
• criticism;
• threats;
• comparison with other children;
• ignoring the child’s opinion;
• reluctance to see a person in your child.

Experts call such methods direct suggestion, and since in childhood people do not yet have their own attitudes, they turn out to be easily suggestible. If you regularly tell someone about their insignificance and stupidity, then as a result the person will believe it. To better understand how to increase a woman’s self-esteem, psychologists recommend remembering the puberty period. Teenage girls are very vulnerable and susceptible. If parents say day after day that their daughter belongs in prison or in the trash heap, then these words will sooner or later be confirmed.

Features of female self-esteem

Unlike men, women’s self-esteem is formed from several “elements”: its external and internal parts.

In the first case, we are talking about a woman’s appearance, which depends not only on physiology and natural data, but also on the willingness and ability to take care of her own body, face, figure, health, her clothes, hairstyle, as well as her behavior and habits .

Its other component, or internal element, is the totality of all indicators leading to an adequate or inadequate assessment of one’s own person.

Thus, in most cases, a woman can increase her self-esteem only by working comprehensively on all the elements that form the ability to evaluate herself and her potential.

Reasons for low self-esteem

In addition to the peculiarities of upbringing, psychologists identify three more main reasons for self-doubt:

1. Failures in childhood. For example, she did not take first place at the Olympics.
2. Inability to set goals. This happens when communicating with people for whom self-realization means nothing.
3. Atypical appearance. If a girl was overweight or wore glasses, and was laughed at at school, then she is unlikely to develop adequate self-esteem.

Define your social circle

When a person's self-esteem drops, he simply must surround himself with people who will help him perk up. It often happens that friends of your ex-partner, who over the years of communication have become your mutual friends, add fuel to the fire. Protect yourself from such individuals: one way or another they will not take your side.

You are on your way only with those who help you feel a new taste for life. When surrounded by such people, it is very easy to regain confidence in yourself. Find time to communicate with your family more often. No one will support you like they do.

Which men do women with low self-esteem prefer?

Insecure young ladies, as a rule, attract authoritarian, selfish and domineering men, who easily convince their chosen ones that the main task of their life is to ensure the well-being of their spouse. After all, a wife who knows her place is very easy to manage. She silently follows instructions and does not expect gratitude. Agree, a convenient wife. That's why he lowers her self-esteem. The head of the family will not rack his brains about how a woman can gain self-confidence, because in this situation there is no need to strain. The partner will forgive everything, because she does not believe that she deserves more. Such husbands are alien to the feeling of jealousy. Girls are grateful to the one who deigned to marry her, and even in their thoughts they do not allow themselves to communicate with other men. And it rarely comes to divorce.

As a rule, girls are manipulated not only by their husbands, but also by those around them. Usually, for this purpose, the victim is instilled with a feeling of guilt, and in order to make amends for it, the ladies solve other people’s problems and invest all their efforts so that everything is at the highest level. After such an attitude, it is difficult to believe in yourself.

How to restore self-esteem after cheating

Self-esteem is a person’s idea of ​​the significance of his personality, his capabilities, and expectations for himself. It’s paradoxical, but self-esteem lives inside a person, but depends on the environment.

Look: my husband cheated. Thus, he seemed to say: “She is better than you, so I choose her.” Moreover, he cannot always explain in what way it is better.

“She is more sensual”, “Her borscht tastes better”, “Her butt is more beautiful” - these arguments hurt very much. Because the wife hears something completely different from what her husband says. The wife hears: “You’re cold,” “Your cooking tastes bad,” “You have an ugly figure.” That is, for a woman whose self-esteem is wounded, what matters is not what exactly was said, but how it was heard.

I would like to draw your attention to the fact that only the man knows exactly what criteria a man set to evaluate a woman.

For example, my grandmother, a representative of the intelligentsia, always told my heroine that for a strong union one must always be an interesting conversationalist, educated, so that her husband would want to strive to get to know her better. So that she doesn’t become a gray mouse, in curlers and a robe. Irina understood everything. She has two college degrees, listens to Brahms, and despises books on popular psychology.

And Ira’s mother contradicted her grandmother and said that the main thing was to give birth to a child! If the husband dotes on the child and the mother, then he will not go anywhere. Now Ira has two beautiful kids, a boy and a girl. Ira does not work; she devotes herself to her children. Wonderful mother!

But it turned out that the shape of the butt and the taste of borscht were more important to my husband. He said this when Ira pinned him against the wall and forced him to admit what was wrong. Ira simply never paid attention to these factors. Now she thinks: “What a fool I was! I didn’t know the main thing!”

Dear ladies, the coordinate system in which every person lives is unique. Moreover, it is changing. Now borscht and figure are important, tomorrow – intellect and musical tastes.

The fact that the husband cheated does not mean that the wife is “bad” and “not what he needs.” Cheating is about the fact that the husband himself could not appreciate what was important, and both spouses were not aware of each other’s “coordinate system”.

Signs of low self-esteem in women

Before you look for ways to increase a woman’s self-esteem, you need to make sure that she really has problems with self-confidence. Here you need to take a closer look at the young lady for the following signs:

1. Reliability. She does not get pleasure from fulfilling extraneous requests, but she does not know how to refuse, since she does not want to offend and disappoint.
2. Painful reaction to criticism. With adequate self-esteem, a woman either accepts or rejects criticism, but does not cause hysterics. Insecure women perceive criticism as a personal tragedy, since negative statements addressed to them are considered evidence of their inferiority.
3. Inflated criteria for assessing appearance. Due to low self-esteem, the girl is always dissatisfied with her face, weight, and hair condition. At the same time, they publicly speak poorly about their appearance, hoping to hear a refutation of their words in response.
4. Inappropriate reaction to compliments. These ladies love it when people give them compliments, but they don’t know how to accept them.
5. The woman plays the role of the victim. The girls believe that those around them have set themselves the goal of inflicting as much pain as possible. They are completely sure that all the failures in their lives are a pattern.
6. Giving up your own desires. Your desires and dreams come last. Young ladies put the desires of others first, without thinking about developing self-love.
7. Fear of decision making and responsibility. It’s easier for them to shift responsibility for decision-making onto someone else’s shoulders.
8. Dissatisfaction with the environment. Insecure girls believe that no one appreciates them. Psychologists say that they themselves attract those people who make them feel worthless.

Ways to improve: from simple to complex

Work on appearance

One of the simplest and most accessible ways to increase your self-esteem is to work on your appearance .
As soon as a woman begins to like herself, in some incredible way others and, especially, men begin to like her. What men like is a natural and normal female desire. Admiring male glances, compliments and recognition, as if by magic, elevate female self-esteem to its highest levels.

Dealing with “internal cockroaches”

Complicating the task is working with internal “cockroaches” . In this case, you will have to solve a number of important problems for yourself, independently or with the help of specialists.

Namely:

• Say goodbye to the past . Discover in the depths of your memory the root cause that was the basis for the formation of low self-esteem and get rid of it once and for all. It should be said that work in this vein is not easy and, perhaps, it is impossible to do without an experienced psychologist or psychotherapist. But if low self-esteem is the cause of all women’s troubles and the woman is aware of this, then this is a direct path to a specialist.

• Stop comparing yourself to other people . No matter how the circumstances develop, and no matter which way life turns, there will always be someone who is better, more beautiful, richer, younger, more successful, more talented, happier, etc. There is nothing more stupid than comparing your own life with the lives of strangers . It’s much better to learn to enjoy your successes, even small ones.

• Learn to drive away negative thoughts and negative ideas . Only a positive attitude and a radical change in thinking will allow you to look at life from a new perspective, find new opportunities for yourself and not miss a single chance.

• Start striving to make your dreams come true. Do we need to talk about how important having a dream is for motivation and how achieving goals affects self-esteem?

See also “Do you know how to dream properly? 5 tips to make your dreams come true” Having learned how to dream correctly so that your dreams come true, everyone can change their life for the better!

Simple techniques to increase self-esteem

Self-esteem can and should be increased. Undoubtedly, you will have to fight hard with yourself, but the game is worth the candle. Adequate self-esteem makes a woman happier, more positive and self-confident.

Find the cause of the problem

Low self-esteem is not determined at the genetic level; its development occurs under the influence of external factors. First of all, you need to determine the root of the problem. Be that as it may, further work on yourself will be much more effective if you visualize the problem of self-doubt.

Stop criticizing yourself

Every person has the right to make a mistake, and there is no need to reproach yourself for any mistake.

By stopping to criticize yourself, you will get several advantages at once:

• the energy that was wasted on self-criticism will be released;
• you will be able to accept yourself and throw all your strength into achieving your goals;
• strong personality traits are activated.

By approaching your failures creatively, you will learn to benefit from them and sometimes turn a mistake to your advantage. In addition to self-criticism, it is very important to be able to respond correctly to criticism from others.

Praise yourself more often

Get into the good habit of praising yourself for small successes. Celebrate each of your victories and analyze what character trait enabled you to achieve this. Thanks to this method, you can acquire adequate self-esteem and develop useful qualities with which you can achieve success.

Learn to refuse

Reliability and low self-esteem have a cause-and-effect relationship. It is necessary to learn to refuse individuals who put their own interests above the interests of others. By learning to firmly say “No!”, you will automatically increase your self-esteem. You will begin to respect yourself and learn to defend your boundaries, which is the basis of a harmonious personality. You can even enroll in courses that teach this.

Create a positive environment around yourself

It’s not without reason that psychologists advise avoiding communication with negative people. They are able to notice the most unpleasant little thing and will certainly remind you of it. Try to make sure that there are only positive people around you who see only good things. Of course, it will not always be possible to adhere to this advice, since a family member may turn out to be a transmitter of negativity. In this case, you need to regularly say that you do not want negativity in your relationship. Tell people things they might not like. Under no circumstances should such things be hushed up.

Play sports

You don't have to spend every evening doing grueling workouts in the gym. Make it a habit to go for a walk or exercise every evening. Don't be afraid to spend time doing physical exercise. Every woman who makes it a rule to devote time to jogging will quickly notice that she has surprisingly more free time. The fact is that sports activities give a powerful energy boost, and things get done faster.

Leave your comfort zone

Under the burden of problems, women begin to become dependent on their own weaknesses, which give them a feeling of comfort. Junk food, alcohol, smoking and other ways to console yourself help you close yourself off from external problems in your own cozy world. Only problems accumulate instead of being solved. On a subconscious level, she understands that she has closed herself off from reality, so her self-esteem decreases at the speed of light. And there is only one method that can effectively and quickly improve it - leave your comfort zone and embrace problem solving.

Use Affirmations

In psychology, there are exercises that can increase self-esteem even for a woman who considers herself a complete loser - these are positive affirmations. These are short phrases that contain positive attitudes. They can be found both in audio recordings and in text versions. They need to be listened to, read aloud, learned by heart. Such attitudes need to be remembered in difficult life situations.

How to increase self-esteem after cheating. Action plan

I have already told you a lot about the mechanism of self-esteem violation after betrayal. It's time to create an action plan to correct the situation. So, the formula for returning normal self-esteem.

1. Mandatory conditions – appearance

The first thing I recommended to Irina was to comb her gorgeous hair and replace the stole with clothes in the style she was used to.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself: “I’m pathetic and worthless, I don’t deserve attention. After all, I’m nothing! Otherwise he wouldn’t have cheated on me...” On the contrary! You are a treasure, a diamond whose setting has faded a little due to lack of care. If you want to shine again, the “frame” needs to be put in order. It is necessary! Push yourself. Through resistance, through “I don’t want.”

Appearance is a necessary condition, but not sufficient.

2. Find another support

Remember WHO else you are, other than “your husband’s wife.” And you don’t have to say: “What does this have to do with it, it wasn’t my boss who cheated on me...”

Everything is interconnected! You play the role of a professional, a good sister, a good neighbor. You are the strongest in the fitness group. Or - the most responsible person in the parent committee. Or - your house is always full of guests. Or, on the contrary, you love solitude and write poetry beautifully.

3. Get back everything that was lost

Remember your moment of triumph. When it was? What made you feel triumphant in your soul then?

Draw yourself at this moment. Definitely in color. Complete the drawing with details. For example, if the triumph was during the defense of some project, draw a table or music stand, pointer, projector, books nearby. You know better what happened there.

Remember the details. Feel them. If you can, remember the sensations in your body and “absorb” them, reflect them in today’s life.

4. Do good deeds and collect “thank you” in your “piggy bank”

When people are grateful, it's like they are giving you something. A little of your energy, your strength. This energy will be used to heal the “abrasions” in the soul. Become a "good fairy". Babysit someone else's child, give someone a ride home, support a colleague. Show empathy towards your friend - listen to her and say: “You are my dear, how tired you are...”. Help grandma cross the road, after all.

A very advanced version of this method is to draw something on a leaf (a heart, a sun) after each good deed, and then put it in a box. Or buy colored self-adhesive leaves and stick them somewhere after each task. And then – touch with your hands and absorb their energy.

5. Go learn something new.

It’s just advisable to go not online, but in person. At least for a drawing master class. Any new lines in your “life resume” will come in handy.

Roughly speaking, when the internal censor asks: “And why should you be valued and loved?”, a woman can answer: “And because I beautifully weave macrame! Bite it, bite it!”

Now let's move on to the hard part...

6. Instead of scolding or feeling sorry for yourself, ask what the other person would do?

If you scold yourself for a long time, you begin to find some kind of self-deprecating pleasure in it.

The “inner voice” says to the woman: “Ugh, what a fool you are!” Only such a fool could dress so ridiculously. And of course, it’s precisely these ugly idiots that husbands leave from.”

You should have stopped yourself even after the first words: “Ugh, what a fool you are... Okay, let her be a fool... but if in your place it was (anyone who is an authority for a woman)... she would now smile sweetly and everyone would think that It’s not she who dressed ridiculously, but they are not aware of fashion trends!”

7. Be honest, why do you consider yourself bad?

“No, I understand that I am smart and beautiful... But he cheated on me.” It’s as if the grass was painted green and the facades of the buildings were renovated. We have to look from the inside out. There are three stages of work here.

First stage. First, tell me honestly how you feel now. Here's how Irina coped with this task:

“I feel old... And I see that my body is no longer the same as he loved....” (further - sobbing, let's leave them between the lines). What would you say about the nature of the decline in your self-esteem? What exactly is “wrong”?

The second step is a logical conclusion from the first. Example with Irina.

Psychologist Natalya Lubina says: That is, in order to be the most beautiful for your husband, you would have to...

Irina answers: ...should always be young and elastic!

The third step is to sensibly evaluate the previous conclusion. Firstly, nature has made it so that a person cannot help but change over the years. This is a natural process. And my husband knew about it. There are no miracles in the world. One can only come to terms with this, because with age the skin may suffer, but with experience comes experience, sensuality and other delights. In other words, most often at the third stage the absurdity of demands on oneself becomes obvious.

Yes, this part of the job is very difficult. You can involve a loved one or, of course, a psychologist.

What will work on self-esteem give?

In order to definitely get a positive result in working on your own self-esteem, to become self-confident, it is very important for a lady to consolidate her motivation and determine for herself what qualities a person with an adequate attitude towards herself has:

• Confidence in your strength;
• knowledge and ability to use your strengths;
• knowledge and acceptance of your weaknesses;
• absence of stress and anxiety;
• immunity to criticism;
• the approval of the environment is not important.

And this is just a small part of the qualities that a woman with normal self-esteem possesses. It's worth developing and growing, isn't it?

Tips for women

Women are more emotional and suggestible than men; they more often suffer from low self-esteem and its negative consequences. They need special incentives to lift their spirits.

A successfully acquired item, a beautiful hairstyle, or a trinket purchased on a whim increases confidence in life and adds strength to a woman. And even if it’s temporary, sometimes such a push becomes the beginning of change for the better.

Playing sports: aerobics and dancing, swimming and working out in the gym - physical activity helps relieve stress and tension, and a beautiful, toned figure becomes an additional bonus.

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