Teen self-esteem: how to help gain self-confidence

• October 28, 2018
• Self-esteem
• Blackwhisker Rose

Don't assume that teenagers are starting to define their own identities. Parents play an important role in their development process. During adolescence, children are very vulnerable morally. Any failure leads to self-doubt. It is very important to help raise the self-esteem of a teenager (boy or girl). Sometimes it is difficult for them to cope with this difficult task on their own. This article will provide advice from psychologists on how to increase self-esteem for a teenager.

Peculiarities of perception of the world depending on the child’s temperament

Adolescence begins at age 11 and lasts until age 15. It is at this stage that the child moves from childhood to adulthood. This period is also called “critical” because intense and dramatic changes occur in the organization and biological maturity of boys and girls. An individual characteristic of a minor, like other individuals, is temperament. It is he who often influences how a teenager perceives everything that happens to him. Temperament traits are inherent in a person at the genetic level, and they cannot be significantly modified. How to increase self-esteem and confidence for a teenager? The following information may help with this:

• During adolescence, sanguine people have increased activity, are energetic, efficient, and easily take on new things. It is “difficult to knock such children out of the saddle.”
• Cholerics are very active, unrestrained, hot-tempered, and impatient. Sometimes they go to extremes, their self-esteem either falls or rises.
• Phlegmatic people are less sensitive and emotional. They rarely laugh and remain calm in the face of trouble. Phlegmatic people are more self-confident. Patience and endurance help them to control themselves.
• Things are most difficult with melancholic people. They have high sensitivity and great inertia. This often leads to tears and resentment. Melancholic people often show self-doubt.

During adolescence, character traits are formed and consolidated. It is very important that the child correctly perceives everything that happens to him. Therefore, it is very important to monitor the level of self-esteem of adolescents.

We form adequate self-esteem for a child (up to 6 years old)

At the preschool stage, the child already has a fairly developed will and life experience, has mastered the basic safety rules, but still makes annoying mistakes.

For self-esteem, it is important that the child does not hear setting phrases: “You will fall!”, “You will not succeed!” The process of stuffing cones should be structured correctly:

1. Warn the child about possible consequences using the formula: “Don’t jump from there. It’s high up there, you could fall painfully.”
2. Give the opportunity to make a mistake (ensuring safety).
3. If the result is positive, repeat the warning: “You did well, you did it, let’s try together next time.” In case of a mistake: “I really sympathize with you. I know you're hurting. But you and I told you that you can fall?”

This approach demonstrates to the child that his parents believe in him and fear for him, but are ready to support any choice. In the end, this choice turns out to be imaginary: the child will trust the opinion of mom and dad more than direct prohibitions. In the preschool period, this is a good way to manage behavior and form an adequate assessment of one’s capabilities.

Important ways to master the experience of adults at 2–5 years old:

• observation of correct behavior, imitation;
• visiting a kindergarten;
• game according to age and goals;
• technique “One boy...” (an instructive story invented specifically to study the situation)
• fairy tales, folk and therapeutic.

It is fairy tales that allow not only to shape behavior, self-esteem and ideas about the basic processes of life, but also to get rid of fears! And games can work wonders if you use them thoughtfully and systematically, organize the gaming space and get sincere pleasure from the process.

Consequences of low self-perception in adolescence

Often the mental and physical health of a girl or guy depends on self-confidence. Parents should not forget about this. Here are the negative consequences that low self-esteem can lead to:

• resistance to stressful situations is lost;
• a depressed mood occurs;
• various fears appear;
• the functions of the gastrointestinal tract are disrupted.

Of course, no parent wants this to happen to their child. Therefore, it is very important to help minors improve their self-confidence. Psychologists recommend tips and exercises on how to raise self-esteem for a teenager.

Psychological test “Ladder of Self-Esteem” for children - how to do it?

Before you understand how to raise a child to be self-confident, it is important to understand at what level his self-esteem is. A very simple psychological test, “The Ladder of Self-Esteem,” will help you figure this out.

So, on a piece of paper, draw ten steps and ask the child to indicate where they are:

The test can be used for children from three years of age.

Be sure to explain to your child that on the lowest rung there are bad children (evil and greedy), and on the second rung there are better ones. At the very top are the children who do everything best.

The main thing is that the child understands you correctly. Therefore, when you tell him, ask him again what he understands. Well, then ask to put yourself on one or another step.

Accordingly, the lower the child places himself, the lower his self-esteem. However, grades 4-7 are considered normal. That is, your child has adequate self-esteem.

For children, a grade from the seventh level is considered high self-esteem, but at the same time, for the youngest, this can be said if they put themselves at the very top level.

The role of parents in shaping the personality of a teenager

Often boys and girls demonstrate their importance in every possible way, but inside they have a lot of doubts. Every step they take into adulthood is difficult for them, and they show indecisiveness. It is important to help children survive this stage and learn not to get irritated themselves. Parents must properly establish communication with teenagers so that they do not express their importance through protest. After all, if minors are unable to communicate with their parents, then they violently splash out their emotions and may leave home. It is at this age that some people get used to drugs and smoking. The influence of the street is very great. It is important that children come home for more than just a sleepover. Teenagers really want to be leaders in front of their peers.

Every parent should know how to increase the self-esteem of their daughter or son. First you need to accept and understand your child’s position. Support at this moment is very important. Reproaches and comparisons do not always produce results. It's time to start looking at a teenager as an adult. Respect, a gentle form of communication, the opportunity to express oneself - this is what minors need.

"You are the most beautiful in the world"

Preschoolers often hear such phrases - today it is fashionable to cultivate leaders and instill irresistibility in business kids who do not see barriers in front of them. In psychology, this is called affirmation - an attitude that influences subsequent behavior.

But everything is good in moderation. It is better to organize acquaintance with failures at an early age than to treat a child for neuroses when the first teenage difficulties in communication and achievements arise.

Do you criticize or praise your child more often?
Primary school is the period when self-esteem is most influenced by academic success. The first teacher is the most authoritative elder in the life of a junior student, and it is important to choose a modern teacher who develops talents and helps in the development of the best personal qualities.

A teenager's self-esteem often depends on the opinions of peers. The leading activity at this age is communication and knowledge of all facets of the social life of an adult. Every day of a teenager is a competition in adulthood; studies fade into the background. Girls focus on appearance, boys on physical strength.

It is difficult for adolescent children to adequately evaluate themselves, because a confident sense of adulthood conflicts with insufficient life experience. The result of this conflict is anxiety, self-doubt, fluctuations in self-esteem, and decreased school performance.

Formation of adolescent self-esteem

Psychologists say that low self-esteem is observed in 90% of adolescents. You need to be prepared for this. Parents should know how to raise a teenager’s self-esteem and help him during this difficult period. Remember that parental comments and reproaches only further lower children's self-esteem. It is important not to harm them.

It is worth understanding what self-esteem is. It includes a teenager’s analysis of his physical characteristics, actions, moral qualities, and abilities. Self-esteem begins during adolescence. She goes through several steps. First there is a naive ignorance of what is happening, then there is a wavering self-esteem. The focus of teenagers shifts to what is hidden inside.

Self-esteem determines the social adaptation of an individual, regulates his behavior and activities. Sometimes an overestimation of oneself is formed, and in other cases an underestimation. It is important to find a middle ground here. No matter how much the mother at this moment convinces her son that he is attractive, he will harbor doubts if not a single girl at school pays attention to him.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is the value that a person gives to himself. How much he considers himself smart, beautiful, successful, and so on. A lot of actions, and even desires, depend on how a girl evaluates herself.

• “I’m not beautiful, what do I need with this beautiful dress!”
• “I look bad, I won’t be able to say anything at the board! Everyone will laugh at me."
• “I have a bad memory, there is no way I will prepare for this exam.”
• “How can I find a good guy, they’ve all been busy for a long time and will never pay attention to someone like me!”

Any girl from childhood can easily convince herself of such things. And the worst thing is that if you convince yourself of such things for a long time, they will easily become reality!

Therefore, in order to have a beloved and loving husband, attractive appearance, a good job and generally feel happy in the future, you need to learn to believe in yourself from childhood.

Features in adolescence

The complex and contradictory period of formation of self-analysis in a teenager determines how successful he will be in adulthood. Good self-esteem will help you interact normally with the opposite sex, achieve your goals, and achieve success. One of the features of this period is that the authority of their parents begins to decline among minors. If peers see a teenager as handsome, smart, and cheerful, then he values ​​himself. If peers react negatively to him, then self-esteem drops. Just don’t step aside, it’s important to help the child. During this period, children want to experience everything through their own experience. Therefore, advice must be very correct.

You have to be thin, like in the magazines

Magazines are primarily printed publications. Their task is to make money from the public. Therefore, many specialists work on each model.

The designer selects a dress of the desired color, the lighting specialists provide soft lighting, directing the lamps so that the most beautiful parts of the body are visible.

The photographer selects the desired angle and pose, and then the designer carefully processes the models’ photos in Photoshop: he retouches all pimples and moles, removes unsightly folds on the stomach, gives the body the necessary bulges, and makes the waist “lose weight” by two sizes.

A makeup artist applies special makeup: a woman with such makeup would attract unhealthy attention on the street because of the huge layer of foundation, which, moreover, would immediately run in the heat or crumble from a strong wind.

Also, for photos, they usually heavily blush the cheeks and line the eyes to make the facial features thinner and sharper. In ordinary life, such make-up will look vulgar. But for a fashion model who only needs to stand in different poses for half an hour, this makeup is just right.

Self-esteem of a teenage girl

A mother may well convince her minor daughter of her success. How to increase self-esteem for a teenage girl? First, help her take care of herself. Take him to a hairdresser or beauty salon. It is very important for a girl to feel beautiful, well-groomed, important, and valuable. Just don’t force her to do it, find a way to involve your daughter on a voluntary basis. A great idea would be to have a photo shoot in a new look. You can send your daughter to courses on creating your own style.

Invite the girl to do some housework, where she will demonstrate her abilities. Take an interest in the girl’s school life and make sure that the teachers treat her well. Instances of humiliation and ridicule by teachers are unacceptable.

How is a child's self-esteem formed?

We recently discussed this issue in detail in an article on how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence in children and adolescents. Here I will focus on the basic points and features of the formation of a teenage girl’s self-esteem.

• A girl’s self-esteem depends on her success, that is, how well she does the things she takes on;
• From evaluating her actions, appearance, clothes, etc. those around you, and in childhood the most important thing is the opinion of parents, then teachers, and then peers, especially “authoritative” friends and boys;
• From comparing herself with others - how she looks compared to her friends.

Not everything we parents can influence. However, it is in our power to notice signs of low self-esteem in time and take action before the girl convinces herself of her own failure.

Several reasons to think about a girl's low self-esteem:

• Your daughter began to choose dark, gray, nondescript clothes;
• Spends a lot of time looking at photos of other girls on social networks;
• Doesn’t want to answer at the board (it often happens that, knowing a subject, a girl would rather get a bad mark than go out and answer in front of the whole class)
• Doesn't want to go to school, doesn't talk much about his classmates.
• If you notice one or more of these signs, take a closer look and talk to your child. The reason, of course, may not only be low self-esteem, but it’s worth taking a closer look.

Boosting guys' self-esteem

Teenagers often focus on their parents. So, guys can imitate their father. It is important to be a worthy example. Those who observe alcohol consumption at home may also become addicted to it. Even the level of education of children depends on the level of knowledge of parents. Your actions and deeds influence young men.

It is very important for guys to focus not on appearance, but on achievements. Inspire your teenager to do good things that you will later be proud of. A father can teach his son to fish, drive a car, or play the guitar. A young man's self-esteem will definitely rise if he can brag about this to his friends. If the child cannot master all subjects perfectly, focus him on his favorite one. Maybe it will be physical education, history or biology.

More praise, less criticism

The task of parents is to bring the child’s self-esteem as close to reality as possible. If you criticize your son or daughter all the time, their self-esteem will drop completely. Don't be stingy with praise. It is important to encourage any endeavors of a teenager. Never make fun of a child if he fails at something. Try to help him, give maternal or paternal advice, just do it unobtrusively. Encourage the teenager, tell him that he will succeed. If you don't know how to raise a teenager's self-esteem, show your son or daughter that you believe in them.

Forming the correct perception of criticism

Always show interest in the affairs of the minor and find out about his difficulties. It is important to properly teach him to accept criticism from friends or teachers. Explain to children that sometimes you need to admit your mistakes or defend your point of view in a cultural manner. Do not feel sorry for the upset teenager, but simply advise him how to behave in such situations. Explain to your child that criticism is not a personal insult, because others may have a different opinion than he does. Let him understand that criticism can become an incentive for further development, an objective assessment of his further actions.

Correction of high self-esteem

The danger for a teenager of overestimating their own capabilities lies in inflated expectations from the people around them, which can lead to an inability to satisfy their own ambitions. This can trigger depression. To make a child’s self-esteem normal, you need to perform a number of exercises with him:

1. 
   Ask your teen to share what they think about themselves. After this, you need to ask your family and friends for their opinion about him, comparing their words with the child’s self-esteem. Encourage him to think about why what different people say about him is so different. This will help him be less arrogant and learn to objectively assess his own strengths.

2. The teenager should list activities that he is very good at. After this, ask him to name acquaintances, friends or relatives who are better at handling the named tasks than he is.
3. The child must name his own shortcomings that prevent his positive qualities from becoming ideal. For example, he can be witty, but sometimes gets personal; He has excellent physical fitness, but he cannot play team sports.
4. Ask your teen to write down 10 negative personality traits. After that, he must think about whether they interfere with his life. It is also necessary for the child to understand whether his shortcomings are a hindrance to the people with whom he communicates.
5. Teach your child to think about critical comments from teachers, family, and friends, and not perceive them as unreasonable nagging. Try to explain that in case of failures, you need to look for their reasons not only in the people around you, but also in yourself.

Remember that both low and high self-esteem in a teenager are not the norm and should not be encouraged . In the future, problems with self-confidence can lead to failures in life and reluctance to communicate with people due to various fears.

Help in maintaining external attractiveness

Teenagers pay special attention to their appearance. And not just girls. If you are not your child’s authority on choosing a style, you can go to a stylist. Correctly chosen hairstyle and clothes are very important. Teach children to tidy up their skin and teeth. During adolescence, both boys and girls often experience acne. This brings them a lot of inconvenience, although they are sometimes embarrassed to say so. Don't consider this problem a trifle. If cosmetic procedures do not help, be sure to see a dermatologist.

Development of talents and mental abilities, search for new acquaintances and opportunities

Who, if not you, can identify a teenager’s talents. Assign him to a circle, section, holiday camp, and go with him on an interesting journey. In a new team, the child will be able to open up differently. This will help reveal new sides of him, look at him with different eyes. Perhaps it is difficult for a teenager to find mutual understanding among his classmates; he has no one to communicate with. Perhaps he will feel good in a theater group, where he can show his talent and sense of humor. A large social circle will help a teenager reveal different facets of his personality. In adolescence, you can teach your child to understand people.

Showing love is good!

It goes without saying that parents love their children. But not all adults know how to express heartfelt affection. If this is not done, then the teenager will feel useless and self-esteem will fall. Learn to talk about your feelings yourself, show tenderness, show sympathy. Let your son or daughter feel that you unconditionally, unconditionally, sincerely accept him for who he is. Tell your child that you are happy to spend time with him and how good it is that you have him. Try to do it emotionally. Express your feelings through nonverbal (wordless) means: a sincere sparkle in your eyes, close attention, touching your shoulder, hugging. If a teenager feels loved, his self-esteem will definitely increase.

Increasing self-esteem for schoolchildren (6–10 years old)

For the first time, a schoolchild has two important motives: “to be like everyone else” and “to be different from everyone else, to be better.” The first is needed when general rules apply. The second arises in conditions of competition and appeals to pride. If a child succeeds in competition, his self-esteem increases.

• Help develop his personal special skill: artistic or technical.
• Take part in a relay race, an Olympiad, or promise a reward for success in a math test. Don't forget to praise for minimal progress and motivate for the next step.
• Instilling confidence in a ten-year-old is very simple: explain that you are proud of him, his skills, his best qualities. That you love him not for something, but because he exists, you value him as a person and are ready to help.

Children are very responsive to the sincerity of adults and to an instructive, friendly tone. They are happy to make contact, even after serious conflicts. However, it is better to avoid conflicts.

Parents as psychologists

In the age of the Internet, a father and mother can take on the role of a psychologist for a teenager if they suddenly notice low self-esteem. Experts advise conducting a test to determine a teenager’s self-esteem. After this, you can have a conversation with your child about the need to love and accept yourself with all your shortcomings. Tell the minor that everyone can make mistakes and that is their right. It is important to convey to your son or daughter that you should not concentrate on shortcomings. Advise your child to communicate with confident guys. For cases when the situation gets completely out of control and the teenager loses self-confidence, suggest that he use a deep inhalation and exhalation exercise. You need to breathe and count to 10. This will help bad thoughts go away, and your confidence in your abilities will rise. Communicate more with your children, ask them for advice, show them that they are important to you.

Ways to develop low self-esteem in a teenager

Success and achievement can help your child feel good about himself. But your child can also develop self-esteem by doing things that they enjoy or are good at. You can still praise his effort and determination—and remind him that it will help him succeed in other areas.

The girl points to the stop sign

Tip #1: Set boundaries that your child will follow.

Just like younger children, teenagers need boundaries. So set firm rules that fit your family's lifestyle and values. For example, if you are a parent and want your child to eat dinner first before he goes out for the evening with his friends, be clear about why this is important. Make it clear that you expect this to be done on a regular basis and explain the consequences that will follow if he does not follow through.

Girl and girl holding thumb up

Tip #2: Be generous with praise

Too often we focus on the fact that our children didn't do something right. Tune in to the positive things your child has accomplished and offer praise in his or her direction. If your daughter can assemble things that are difficult for most of us, tell her how much you admire this ability and how it helps make your life around the house easier.

When giving praise, include compliments for their efforts. If your son has had a hard time getting a job after school, give him a message that you're happy with how hard he tried and that you know his efforts will pay off in the end. Be sincere with your praise.

Important!

Be generous, but don't do it for every good thing they do.

Adult gives money to child

Tip #3: Encourage decision making and opinions

Ask your child for their ideas and try to incorporate them into some everyday family decisions. Thinking of turning your garage into a new family room? Ask your son what he thinks about this or does he have any other ideas on how you can get more space in your home? Teens want to be treated like adults, so give him the opportunity to join you in the adult world whenever possible, and take the time to listen to him when he has suggestions or concerns about the family or your home. You might be surprised by some of their great ideas!

Girl holding a phone in her hands

Tip #4: Stay connected to all forms of communication

Teens love to be self-sufficient and want us to believe they have everything under control, but that doesn't mean we as parents don't need to keep our kids under control. So when you ask questions, try to phrase them in a way that requires more than a yes or no answer. For example, instead of asking how math is going, ask what they are currently studying in geometry.

Texting is a great way to stay connected throughout the day. If your child has a big game after school, send a quick message: “I hope you and the team have a great game today. I'm looking forward to hearing all about it tonight."

Woman raised her hands up

Tip #5: Be supportive during conflict

If your child is in the middle of a conflict at school or with a friend or team member, listen to their side of the story and don't judge the situation, even if you think they are at fault.

Conflict may seem silly and trivial to us, but for a hormonal teenager, it can be a major source of contention in their lives. Get into the habit of supporting your child through good and bad, and you'll lay a strong foundation for open communication when big problems arise. Most importantly, constantly remind your teen that you are always there to listen and help in any way you can.

Attention!

Knowing that they have a parent they can rely on, who loves and accepts them, can greatly improve their self-confidence over time.

Woman pointing finger at teenager

Tip #6: Give constructive criticism

Nobody likes to be told they didn't do something right, especially if it's done in anger. Choose how you will criticize your impressionable teen wisely. If your daughter fails her algebra test, don't say something sarcastic: "Well, if you had studied instead of hanging out with your friends all night long, this would never have happened."

Instead, use a concerned tone and say, “It looks like you had trouble on that math test. How about setting up time to study this week before your next test? “And try never to criticize in front of others; it never helps in such a situation.

Little girl holding a violin in her hands

Tip #7: Encourage their individual talents

Most of us have dreams for our children before they're born, but just because every woman in the family went to nursing school doesn't mean your daughter will too. If your teen has a clear interest or talent even though it's not something near and dear to your heart, find out more about why she's passionate about it and encourage her every step of the way.

Important!

If your child knows you are behind him, he will tend to be much more successful and will feel much more confident in his decisions.

Teenager holding dumbbells in his hands