Psychologist M.V. Smolenskaya ⋆ How do men cope with divorce?

A lot has already been written about how women experience divorce. Almost every glossy magazine is ready to offer ladies a list of tips with which you can improve your life even after the most difficult breakup with your loved one. What do we know about how men feel after a divorce? How do they cope with their problems and depression? This article is intended for the stronger half of humanity and will answer the question: “Who is he, a divorced man of our time?”

Why are they getting divorced?

Unfortunately, in modern society, divorces happen almost every day. Moreover, very young families who have not been married for even three years, and well-established unions where the spouses have spent more than twenty years together are collapsing. According to divorce statistics, breakups are most often initiated by women, but men do not try to stop their other halves and boldly sign divorce papers. Why are they so easily ready to let go of their past life and not even remember it? Psychologists say it's simple.

Most men believe that marriage is some kind of limiter that prevents them from enjoying life. Scientists at the University of California conducted an interesting experiment by interviewing one hundred men who were injected with truth serum. When asked who they were jealous of and why, eighty-three participants pointed to their single colleagues. It seemed to them that a free and carefree life with a lot of sexual contacts was an ideal unattainable with a wife and children.

At an appointment with a psychoanalyst, many husbands admit that their family does not allow them to develop. In the minds of men, freedom looks like a tempting set of new victories and achievements. It seems that as soon as you get rid of family problems, life will present you with a lot of opportunities that will open up prospects for financial and career growth. But, despite these conclusions, most men do not feel strong enough to break off relations with their wives. They start affairs, suffer from disgusting responsibilities, but in 85% of cases they will never file for divorce first. However, they will be happy to support the wife’s initiative to divorce. Amazing, isn't it? But how a man’s life will change after a divorce will be a complete surprise for him. And not always pleasant.

How to survive a divorce

Despite the breakdown of the family, there is no need to give up on yourself. There is a whole life ahead that you need to live happily. There are also chances to find a soul mate and be happy in marriage again. The main thing is to come to terms with the divorce and quickly put your feelings in order. Advice from family psychologists will help with this:

You need to communicate with your ex-husband only when necessary, you should not seek communication with him, reopen old wounds, and especially try to get him back;
you need to change the situation - make repairs, sell an apartment and buy a new one, quit your job or move to another city, it doesn’t matter, the main thing is to immerse yourself in pleasant chores;
there is no need to drown depression in alcohol and noisy parties, this will help you forget only for a while;
you need to pay attention to your appearance - change your hairstyle, get a manicure, update your wardrobe;
there is no need to rush to start an affair, since intuitively you will compare your new admirer with your ex-husband;
to restore mental strength, you need to sleep and rest more;
say no to alcohol, otherwise there is a risk of drinking yourself to death, drowning your melancholy with alcohol;
you need not to blame yourself, but to learn that all changes are for the better.

Psychology of men after divorce: behavioral model

Stereotypes about divorce have not been revised in our society for a long time, but recently the behavior of men who have experienced the loss of a family is of serious interest to psychologists. It is generally accepted that a woman, without financial support and a strong male shoulder, falls into a prolonged depression and cannot return to a normal rhythm of life for a long time. What did they say about men? Of course, what they receive is freedom from obligations, for which they have to pay with partial loss of property and money. Otherwise, a young man or an already established one can live as they please and even marry a new passion, whom in some cases they have been dating for years. But the truth turns out to be not so rosy.

A survey conducted by British sociologists showed that 23% of men feel empty, and only 37% feel free from worries, compared to 20 and 40%, respectively, for the women surveyed. This means that a divorced man, after leaving the courtroom, feels not free and happy, but depressed and confused. But why does almost no one notice this?

The fact is that it is not customary for representatives of the stronger sex to grieve over lost love, and the word “divorce” evokes not sympathy, but congratulations from colleagues and friends. Naturally, in this situation, the strong half of humanity seeks to disguise their true emotions behind promiscuity, noisy companies and senseless spending. Almost all ex-wives notice this. They say that their ex-husband, whom they know so well, is behaving absolutely inappropriately. This can manifest itself in different ways. Some men, who lived quietly and calmly, suddenly begin to drink and carouse from morning to evening. Careerists abandon all their affairs and go on a long journey, and once serious and responsible fathers forget about their children and spend all their money on expensive entertainment.

All this is just an attempt to prove to oneself that one is necessary and in demand, because, according to the scale of emotional stress, divorce is equated to the death of a person. And you can survive this difficult period only by going through all the stages of grief.

Psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: five stages of grief

The famous psychologist Ross created her theory of grief based on the emotions of terminally ill people. But, as it turned out, the psychology of men after a divorce is no different from the state of people who are seriously ill. In order to return to normal life, you need to go through five rather difficult stages:

1. Denial

The young man cannot believe that divorce is a reality. He subconsciously denies all changes and does not want to enter a new stage of life.

2. Anger

Without this stage, it is difficult to return to a normal lifestyle and “let go” of the situation. Attacks of anger come suddenly, discontent pours out on everyone around. In cases where a man lives alone after a divorce, he can simply throw away old things that remind him of his past life.

3. Bargaining

This stage is the shortest and is expressed in the desire to return to the previous way of life. During the time that has passed after a divorce, a man can look at his ex-wife with completely different eyes. And, to his own surprise, he was inflamed with the same feelings for her, even if he himself initiated the breakup. He feels homesick for his family, tries to see his children as often as possible, and may even begin to persuade his ex-wife to renew their marriage.

4. Depression

Unfortunately, this stage is sluggish and protracted in men. In some cases it lasts up to five years. The California Institute recently published statistics on male suicide after divorce, and it simply shocked psychologists. After all, men are twice as likely to decide to commit suicide two to three years after breaking up with their wife. This period is the most dangerous - the novelty of social status disappears, and fatigue and a feeling of loneliness, on the contrary, increase.

5. Acceptance

At the last stage of grief, a man subconsciously accepts the divorce as a fait accompli. The past life remains just a memory and does not cause negative emotions. After acceptance, a person freely enters a new stage of his life journey and can successfully build a relationship with a suitable partner.

How do men cope with divorce?

Content

Divorce is like amputation: you remain alive, but there are fewer of you Margaret Atwood

The Internet is filled with articles and advice on how a woman can survive her husband’s betrayal or divorce, but men receive much less attention. It is believed that stern macho men cope with such stress relatively easily. They are credited with the joy that covers almost the moment the relationship breaks down. These are myths. Research by psychologists and sociologists shows that the strong half of humanity suffers no less than the beautiful half, but from the outside it looks different. How do men cope with divorce? What to do to cope with the situation?

A man, a divorce and good news about finances

A common misconception: after a divorce, wives rob men completely, and martyrs wander around rented apartments because they simply have nowhere to live. In fact, a man's prospects are much brighter than those of a divorced woman. Most often, guardianship responsibilities for children fall on the shoulders of women, which greatly limits their career growth. But their ex-husbands, on the contrary, get more opportunities to earn money and achieve professional success.

Divorce frees up your hands: you can work after hours, find an additional source of income, and devote more time to your job responsibilities. But the costs of maintaining a family are minimal: it is enough to pay alimony and give children gifts for the holidays. By the way, many men don’t even do this after a divorce. They are better off than during marriage.

That's where the good news ends. If the material side of the matter looks attractive, then from a psychological point of view everything is bad. Studies have shown that the number of men who feel depressed and even decide to commit suicide is greater than women. Only 37% of ex-husbands feel freedom after the divorce, and 47% of such women.

Debunking popular myths

Seeing how some representatives of the stronger half of humanity indulge in all serious things, ladies doubt whether men are going through divorce at all. Yes, it is the revelry after the breakup, the desire to prove to others that one is happy to be freed from family ties, that indicates deep trauma. The collapse of a marriage is a serious loss, and it is lived as painfully as being fired or having a serious illness. A person is in dire need of psychological help and support from loved ones.

A common myth is that after a divorce from his wife, a man immediately becomes an eligible bachelor, and ladies line up to catch him in their nets. Everything is much more complicated.

Relationships with the opposite sex develop in stages:

1 “No one is interested in me.” A man needs comforting sex and affection, and women do not flock to his bed, except for the very frivolous ones. The feeling of not being in demand undermines self-esteem and self-confidence. Freedom turns out to be not so pleasant, but friends constantly congratulate you on it. 2 “Acquaintances are being forced on me.” After about a year or two, when the man feels much better, those around him begin vying with each other to recommend brides, but they are no longer so needed. If there is a permanent relationship, the man is in no hurry to get married, which often leads to a new breakup and pain. 3 “Where have the women fled?” Sooner or later the desire to start a new family arises. By this time, a man is often classified as a confirmed bachelor. They don’t match him with new smart, beautiful women. Now the choice is small, but it is becoming easier to make.

The stages of living through a divorce take years. During this time, a man more than once has to face the blues and lack of self-confidence. The best solution is to contact a good psychologist who will help you cope with difficulties and realize the mistakes of your past marriage.

How does a man cope with a divorce if he is the initiator?

Despite the glorified desire for freedom, husbands rarely leave their wives under the influence of emotions. Usually this is a balanced decision, and a mistress is waiting “on the siding.” On the contrary, it is women who tend to go nowhere, simply because family life has become unbearable. It's different with men. By the time they break up, they have already fully thought through a plan for further actions, but this does not improve the situation much.

For whatever reason a man leaves, he always remains a scoundrel in the eyes of others. His ex-wife hates him, his children despise him, his friends and colleagues condemn him. He becomes a source of suffering for those whom he loved and loves. This is a difficult test and psychological problems are inevitable. Often because of them the following relationships do not work out.

Practical recommendations for overcoming difficulties after divorce

We offer some advice from psychologists on how a man can survive a divorce from his wife:

Don't look for new love. The desire to meet a new passion in order to “wipe the nose” of your ex-wife is dictated by pain, anger and resentment. These are not the best advisers.
Set new goals. Work, make a career, buy a car - any of these goals can get rid of obsessive thoughts and complexes.
Soberly analyze the reasons for divorce. When your emotions subside, remember exactly what complaints you heard from your ex-wife. You may still be able to get your family back. Even if you don't want to, reflect on old mistakes to prevent new ones.
Avoid alcohol. Relief from drinking is a dangerous illusion that can ruin a person’s entire life.
Don't complain to your friends. They simply won't understand you. All you will hear: women are stupid, materialistic, you will still have a million of them. But you can easily get drunk in a friendly company.

Men do not cry. This stereotype makes it difficult to express emotions, admit your fears and weaknesses to friends or relatives. But coping with pain alone is difficult. Make an appointment with a family psychologist. It will be easier for you to tell a stranger about your problems, and professional help certainly won’t hurt you.

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Prolonged post-divorce depression in men

Divorce is not only a formal break in a relationship. In almost all cases, this is a loss of energetic support and connection that the spouses have formed. It is this connection that is the basis of marriage; it does not break after leaving the court and signing the documents. Each spouse must adapt to the changed situation, but men cope with this much worse than women.

The psychology of men after divorce is characterized by great interest in the life of their ex-wife. This is very easy to explain: the energy connection has not yet been broken, and the spouse cannot tune in to life outside of it. Surprisingly, even the appearance of a new boyfriend for a woman cannot stop her ex from visiting and talking about her past life. Often, women who begin relationships with recently divorced men do not notice that they are depressed and are consumed by jealousy towards their ex-spouses. But in reality, a man simply cannot improve his life in the absence of the usual process of receiving energy and exchanging it.

Stages of experiencing misfortune

People go through several stages when they experience a life disaster, which includes divorce.

Cold. The person is in a daze, apathetic, and does not make contact well.
Negation. The ex-husband does not believe that he is in a different status.
Fear. A man lives with a feeling of fear of remaining alone forever.
Fury. Negative emotions, expressed in expressive form, predominate. Anger and aggression are directed at oneself and the ex-wife.
Despair. There is a sense of melancholy and loss of spirit. They are haunted by thoughts about an unfulfilled life, about their uselessness.

USEFUL INFORMATION: Advice from a psychologist: how to survive a divorce from your husband if you have children?

After overcoming the peak of despair, the man gradually comes to his senses and finds calm. He adapts to living without his wife and enjoys his newfound freedom. Understanding of the experience gained comes. The way out of mental turmoil is characterized by agreement with one’s new situation, a willingness to live without looking back at the past.

Psychological support methods have been developed for each phase; at all stages, a competent psychologist can provide significant, effective assistance. Having studied the situation, he will give advice, teach self-hypnosis techniques, and tell you how to avoid wrong actions.

Causes of male depression

After a divorce, most representatives of the stronger sex feel overwhelmed and cannot cope with negative emotions. In a difficult situation, they find themselves in a kind of vacuum when no one can share the current situation with them. All this happens against the backdrop of close observation of the life of the ex-wife, for whom everything can turn out quite successfully. As a result, depressive and suicidal thoughts arise. The most common causes of depression:

disappointment in freedom and new women;
psychophysical burnout from the endless search for a new sexual partner;
obvious disadvantages of single life - lack of care, comfort and coziness;
feeling guilty for a broken relationship.

In some cases, divorced men experience a combination of all of the above factors.

Manifestations of depression in men after divorce

Women, left alone, try to actively express their emotions, which allows them to come to their senses faster. Men do not have the right to lose their status as a strong and confident male, so they carefully hide their grief and gradually withdraw from life. They withdraw into themselves and in many cases behave completely atypically. Most often, depressive syndrome is expressed as follows:

absent-mindedness, lack of attention and loss of decision-making ability;
a destructive passion for alcohol, drugs and other ways to forget;
aggression and sudden attacks of anger, which can be expressed in self-examination;
complete loss of interest in all areas of life;
chronic fatigue, frequent headaches;
decreased potency.

Most often, depression occurs in men a few months after a divorce. During this period, the energy that once fueled the spouses dries up, and the novelty of a free life ceases to please. In addition, men during periods of depression find it difficult to see halftones; they completely lose the ability to enjoy life.

Treatment for male depression

What should a man do after a divorce so as not to fall into prolonged depression and quickly return to normal life? Psychologists unanimously say that you should not hide your emotions from others. A man has the right to grief, suffering and disappointment. He should not, while experiencing mental pain, put on a mask of indifference. Such behavior is a direct path to depression.

In this case, you should not hesitate, but you should immediately contact a psychotherapist. Modern medicine offers various methods of drug-free treatment of depressive syndrome in men, which give fairly good results in 80% of cases.

Anger: Everything about your ex-spouse makes you angry.

During and after a divorce, you may experience anger, the direction of which depends on the situation that ultimately led to the divorce.

For example, you may be angry at your ex for cheating on you. You may be angry at his boss for making him work long hours. You may be angry because he drank alcohol or didn't make enough efforts to repair the relationship. You may be angry at yourself for not seeing the signs of the coming disaster, for putting up with his antics for so long, or for not showing the love and respect he so needed.

Anger also arises from the way the spouse treats the children. You are angry that he does not call them, does not visit them, or does not seem to care about them. You're angry that he doesn't pay child support on time or that he left you in a financial mess. Whatever the reason, you will feel it.

Looking for the other half

A divorced man is looking for a woman literally as soon as he leaves the courthouse with a stamp in his passport. Moreover, this is not a myth, but a reality that almost everyone faces. The fact is that, being married, a representative of the stronger half of humanity fantasizes about numerous sexual partners and non-binding relationships. Men begin to embody all this with great enthusiasm, but soon such a lifestyle becomes boring.

In reality, it takes a lot of effort to lead the desired lifestyle, but the result does not always exceed expectations. Psychologists say that spouses become aroused from each other quite quickly, even without foreplay, and physical release occurs after five to eight minutes. But with a new partner, a man does not always have the same good time - his body is not tuned to the next woman, sexual hunting is physically and emotionally expensive. In addition, apart from a physical connection, nothing else arises between the partners, and over time this begins to burden the sons of Adam.

A man is looking for a woman who could satisfy all his needs, but all he gets is a short-term affair. Often divorced representatives of the stronger sex also encounter another type of woman who simply dreams of marriage. These ladies are not at all familiar with such a term as “male psychology.” After a divorce, a rare free person will be ready to get married within three years, which is why conflicts arise in new couples.

We can say that after a divorce, a man falls into a kind of trap - he receives freedom, but does not feel the desire to use it after several disappointments.

How to cope with negative emotions?

In order to speed up the process of transition into a new existence, it is important to be able to repress negative emotions, that is, get rid of them. From a psychological point of view, the following guidelines will help women overcome all stages of separation faster:

Let go of your partner. This means letting him go immediately, unconditionally. There is no need to ask anything, to find out anything, there is no need to seek even fleeting meetings with him. If it seems to you that as soon as you see your lover, you will feel better, then no, you are deeply mistaken. At such moments, your soul will again give you a signal. For example, he is so beautiful and attractive, but he is no longer yours. Or dear, dear, but already lives with someone else, etc. You will simply engage in sadomasochism of your heart if you begin to look for meetings with your ex, especially considering the fact that it was he who initiated the breakup of your relationship. Don’t look for him on social networks; block his access to your pages, if possible. Try not to meet with your ex-man’s loved ones and relatives, because they may start talking about him and sharing news. And this can reopen your wounds. Cut all ties with your ex-partner. You'll see, it will become easier for you.
Love yourself. Surely, after your loved one left you, your self-esteem has noticeably weakened. Now is the time to raise it. The main setting is that you are alone. And if you have children - even more so, you are generally in a single copy. Change your image, take care of yourself. Spend your time better on transforming yourself here and now than on remembering the person who left you. If you manage to change your lifestyle along with your own style, then you will not notice how amazingly your thoughts will change. And it is precisely this condition that plays an important role in starting a new life, full of hopes and dreams. So start taking care of yourself and everything will come.
Don't be alone. Loneliness has a bad effect on a woman who, by the will of fate, experiences a break in her relationship with her closest and most beloved man. Therefore, it is imperative to communicate with friends, relatives, and other people. Even if you suddenly feel heavy at heart, and all your loved ones are busy at the moment, just go outside. There your head will become clearer, bad thoughts will still begin to fade into the background, since the flow of people will still carry you away. Let someone live with you all the time at first. It may seem that there is no need for this, that you are better off alone. But that's not true. Your loved one will not bother you. Let him just be.
Note for yourself the positive moments in the breakup. Yes, there is such a thing. Firstly, you will be able to take a break from household chores or a significant part of them (ironing, washing, cooking, etc.). Secondly, you have freedom of action. And even if it seems that you don’t need it, you are completely wrong to think so. Have you wanted to babysit the girls for a long time, but he was against it? The time has come! Have you dreamed of lying down all day and doing nothing, but you couldn’t with him? Go ahead and do it. Besides, it was your experience. Perceive this situation on your life’s path this way. You have lived with your man for a certain period of time. In any case, we learned a lot, because people always learn from each other when they live together. And the breakup taught you a lot. It has made you stronger, more confident in your own abilities, and perhaps changed you and your way of thinking. And if you have already calmed down, then you probably understand that if a person left you on his own, then it’s good that he did it now. Why do you need someone who doesn't appreciate you? The sooner he left, the better.

Psychotypes of men

When considering the problem of divorce, we should not forget that every man experiences the loss of his family also based on his psychological type. This factor has a serious impact on the perception of the situation and its overcoming. Psychologists have divided the psychotypes of men into four groups:

1. Hunter

This man is always ready to achieve whatever he wants. He is charming, handsome and confident. The hunter is not ready to give in to his partner in anything, and perceives divorce as a struggle for leadership. He tries to find a new partner as quickly as possible and show her off to his ex-wife.

2. Deer

This man is very soft in character, he cannot stand up for himself and has a big kind heart. After a divorce, the Deer man becomes depressed, worries for a long time and has difficulty finding a new partner.

3. Parent

This type of man is ready to take care of a woman and give her true love. Relationships are always built on trust and mutual understanding, so in the event of a divorce, the male Parent is sincerely worried. He tries to fill the emptiness in his soul with numerous activities, but he never rushes headlong into a new relationship.

4. Child

A man of this psychotype is absolutely not adapted to living alone. He is vulnerable, often talented and kind, but does not know how to make decisions or care about anyone. In case of divorce, he is capable of blackmail, persuasion and hysterics. Such men have difficulty getting out of depression and often attempt to commit suicide.