0 3281 June 24, 2020 at 10:44 Author of the publication: Diana Gadlevskaya, anesthesiologist Editor: Marina Golomolzina
“I am very afraid for my child. I understand that I’m going too far, but I can’t help myself. My daughter is still small, but very curious. He runs everywhere, touches everything everywhere, reaches out to everyone. I don’t let anyone hold her in their arms in case they drop her. I don’t let you walk without support in case he falls. I try to get them away from the older children, in case they hit me...
I feel exhausted, I really want to rest, but I can’t trust my child to anyone. I will constantly think about her and be afraid that something irreparable will happen. I live in constant tension, in constant fear. I'm incredibly tired. How to relax?
All mothers, to one degree or another, worry about the life and health of their children. And only a few of them experience this anxiety especially intensely. At the slightest threat, even potential, the most tragic scenarios instantly pop up in your head - injuries, illnesses, crimes. Anxious mothers constantly expect only the worst. They see a source of danger around every corner and exhaust themselves with endless precautions, trying to protect the child from all threats. Moreover, the source of fear is not outside at all...
Why is everyone thinking about the child?
Maternal instinct is given to a woman by nature to ensure the survival of the species. With the birth of a child, his life for a woman becomes an absolute priority. Preserving it becomes more important than your own.
Therefore, it is normal to think about the child more than about yourself. After all, giving birth and raising children is a life purpose for all women, except the skin-visual one, who is simply not created for motherhood. About her another time, but now about fears.
How to determine that natural concern for a child has crossed the boundaries of the norm? Look at the situation from the outside.
When a mother worries about her child, this is one thing, but when these worries turn into obsessive thoughts, when anxiety begins to affect the quality of life of the woman herself and her loved ones, when fear becomes the only and main feeling in her life, this means that it is time to take action.
Coping with your own emotions is not easy. This requires additional knowledge about the mechanism of anxiety and fear and their impact on a young child.
Yuri Burlan’s training “System-vector psychology” provides such knowledge. By understanding the mechanism by which fears arise, you can stop their negative and excessive influence on your life.
How fear manifests itself
A phobia can take different forms, but its essence is the same. A person is unlikely to be able to cope with manifestations of fear on his own, because he considers these to be normal attempts to protect his child. Most often, fear is observed in new parents of their first child.
Lack of skills in handling a baby in the first month of his life gives rise to fear of harming his child. They are afraid to crush, drop or injure the baby.
An excess of negative emotions can lead not only to emotional exhaustion, which is fueled by lack of sleep and rest, but also to cessation of lactation due to stress. But even in adulthood, children are overprotected. The older a person gets, the more freedom he needs. Parents often limit their child to:
- communication with peers;
- visiting a kindergarten, developmental classes or interest groups;
- independent study of the outside world;
- attempts at self-service, etc.
As a result, such a child grows into a self-absorbed person who has poor communication skills and also does not have the slightest idea about independent life in the vast world. He encounters what his parents protected him from as an adult, which further traumatizes his psyche.
Fearing for the child, parents forbid him to play with peers
Fear - where does it come from?
All people are capable of experiencing fear. But the very first human emotion - fear of death - arose in the owner of the visual vector. She helped him survive. Until now, it is visual people who are able to feel the strongest fear, since their emotional amplitude is much greater than that of other people.
A person with a visual vector strives for communication and emotions, because then he feels full of meaning in his life. At the same time, he can experience each of his feelings at its peak amplitude. If fear means horror and panic, if love means all-consuming. A visual person, whose senses were developed in childhood, is able to share any feeling with another person - to alleviate grief, to console, to rejoice together.
When a visual woman spends all her time with a small child, her entire enormous emotional amplitude is directed only towards him. But its potential is much greater. Unsatisfied desires and the need for strong emotions gradually accumulate, since the properties of the visual vector are not fully used.
This makes the mother’s internal state emotionally unstable. And the mother’s natural concern for the child can grow to inadequate proportions - a state of constant fear.
If a woman, in addition to the visual one, also has an anal vector, then such a mother will be especially anxious, since family and children are the main value, the meaning of her life. Therefore, owners of the anal vector generally tend to worry more about their family than about themselves.
An anal-visual woman is a golden mother, caring and loving, but due to insufficient realization of her potential, she can literally burn with anxiety for the child and “strangle” him with her overprotectiveness. At the same time, you feel guilty for not being able to do anything about your terrible fantasies. In all troubles, accidents and even illnesses, she considers herself to blame and suffers from this even more.
Coping with anxiety: advice from a psychologist
How to become a good and balanced mother?
First of all, decide for whom you want to be a good mother: for your child or for those around you. You can post happy family photos on social networks, tell your friends and acquaintances about how much you love your child and give him a variety of toys. At the same time, at home you psychologically humiliate your son or daughter, take it out on the child for any reason, limit his freedom and prohibit any manifestation of independence.
Good mothers are not born. This is work - everyday, exhausting, sometimes forcing a woman to doubt the correctness of her choice of motherhood. This is the path - from sleepless nights and constant crying to the first smile, the first five, the first “I love you, mommy.”
Therefore, it is important for mothers to be not just good, but also balanced. What does it mean to be balanced? This means maintaining a balance between everyday problems and rest, between caring for the child and attention to the husband, between family matters and personal time, between worrying about the child and the desire for his full development.
Tired of constant household chores, taking it out on your husband and child? Invite your grandparents, friends, and friends to help and go ahead: to a beauty salon, to a concert, on a date with your husband - anywhere to restore balance. Are you worried about your child, “what if he falls from a high hill”, “what if he freezes during a walk in kindergarten?”? Say “stop” to your worries and begin to adequately assess the situation: the slide is not that high, especially since the child already knows how to hold on to the railing and slide down it correctly; he wears warm clothes, children always play outdoor games during walks, which means he definitely won’t freeze.
Strive for balance in your relationships with your child, husband, and others, and don’t let fears and anxieties poison your life.
If anxiety comes on suddenly, and you feel panic starting, thoughts about something creepy and terrible that could happen to a child enter your head, the following methods will help you:
- Close your eyes and breathe evenly, calmly and deeply for three minutes. Focus on your breathing.
- Do any physical labor or household chores.
- Share your concerns with people close to you.
- Once you've calmed down, ask yourself the following questions: Is the baby at risk right now or is it all happening in my head? Is it really that scary? What can I do to avoid this?
What kind of ideal mother is she?
What picture comes to your mind when you ask this question? A mother who never gets irritated or yells at her child? Or the one whose child is always neatly dressed, combed and invariably polite? Or maybe this is a mother who cooks only wholesome and healthy food, and her house sparkles and shines with cleanliness?
And the question immediately arises: does such a mother have time for herself, for her desires and needs? Does she take care of herself: her health, her body, her personal affairs? Most likely not. She simply doesn't have time for this. From here we can draw a simple conclusion: the ideal mother is a woman who is completely focused on raising a child, who has abandoned her relationship with her husband and is tortured by work and household chores.
Well, do you still want to become an ideal mother? Let's replace the phrase “ideal mother” with “a good mother for her child.”
What good can a mother do for her child? It turns out there are a lot of things. Good mom:
- Fair. If he scolds, then only for the sake of it.
- She takes care of her child, but allows him to be independent.
- Enjoys spending time with the child.
- He listens carefully to his child and can help in any situation.
- He is proud of his child and rejoices at his successes.
- She does not hide her feelings from the child and does not devalue his experiences.
- Does not strive to be with the child 24 hours a day, does not limit his freedom.
- He loves any child: fat, thin, lazy, withdrawn.
- She never speaks negatively about her husband, grandparents, or other relatives in front of her child.
Scary fantasies
The innate rich imagination, as a property of the visual vector, constantly “throws up” more and more new reasons for emotional buildup in fears. Visual imagination allows you to imagine, literally in detail, a possible injury, tragic event or serious illness of a child.
Such fantasies appear as if by themselves, as obsessive thoughts and images, forcing a woman to worry about this, making her superstitious. It seems to her that in this way she can bring trouble to her loved ones.
Not a single woman will consciously imagine the death of a child, but this is how a lack of emotions in the visual vector unconsciously manifests itself - the need to experience thrills, to feel tragedy, anxiety, fear for the person dearest to her.
What to do?
To begin with, of course, understand yourself, your needs and desires, the nature of your own psyche and the possibilities of realizing your inherent potential. Understand that all such fears are not related to the child, but to your internal state.
This can be done at the “System-vector psychology” training. When you get acquainted with vectors and learn how the human psyche works, you realize the roots of your fears, your thinking changes, and anxiety goes away, and love and care comes in its place. How can we help this?
Strengthening your emotional connection with loved ones, especially your husband, will also help you get rid of your fears. The connection in which the visual vector finds its realization. Deeply understanding the character of your husband, his psychological characteristics and innate properties, you begin to observe and, most importantly, notice his feelings, mood, internal state, anxieties and problems.
You share memories, impressions, emotions, support and help. You try to listen to your partner’s wishes, his feelings, worries and doubts, and be sincerely interested in his life. You are trying to give from yourself exactly what you would so much like to receive for yourself - attention and care.
By deliberately shifting your focus from receiving to giving feelings, you get much more for yourself - emotions of a different order. Empathy, participation, love - these are great feelings that displace primary-level emotions, such as fears or anxiety, from the subconscious.
