Should you forgive your husband's betrayal? 6 deciding factors

Cheating is the leading cause of divorce, but when getting married, no one considers the possibility that one day they will have to separate from their loved one. Since the news of your husband’s adultery is an unexpected and stressful event, you need to clearly understand what to do in this case. And most importantly, is it necessary to maintain family relationships with the person who betrayed? Whether to forgive your husband’s infidelity, or break up and start your life from scratch - in this matter it is better to rely on the professional opinion of psychologists.

How is treason different from betrayal?

We very often confuse the concepts of “treason” and “betrayal,” but these are different things. Let's give an example. When a person changes his job to a higher paying one, this is treason. If before leaving he stole important information, then this is betrayal. Here, the relationship between employee and employer not only moved to a new status, but the organization suffered financially and morally.

Of course, the woman herself decides what is considered betrayal and whether it is worth forgiving her husband’s betrayal. Situations vary, and much depends on the age and duration of the relationship.

Sometimes everything drags on so much that the mistress has children, and she begins to demand more. It is necessary to consider each situation individually. While betrayal is difficult to justify, you can try to forget a one-time betrayal.

Union of man and woman

Today it has become fashionable to say: any partnership is a kind of agreement, where everyone has the right to count on compliance with certain conditions. What can a man and a woman give each other, why do they team up as a couple?

Everyone on the verge of an important decision should consider the answer and decide what he expects from his partner. It has long been known: women and men are from different planets. And we all understand perfectly well who is from Venus and who is from Mars. And if so, then there are fundamental requirements of partners for each other so that the union is strong.

For a woman, the responsibility of the chosen one comes first. She needs to know that he will always take care of her and the children and will never leave her without support.

Loyalty to his other half is important for a man. He needs confidence: no matter what happens - a business trip, the army, scandals, quarrels - his wife will be devoted to him to the end.

When thinking about the answer to the question of whether it is worth forgiving your wife’s infidelity, you need to understand: the very basis of the agreement has been violated. The reinforced concrete rule that held the union together was not fulfilled.

Cheating husband: forgive or leave?

So, it turned out that the spouse has someone. You did some research and it turned out to be true. What to do now? Is it possible to forgive your husband's betrayal?

Take your time.

Stop and reflect. You realized that you were building a life together with a person who cheated on you. But you lived with him for a long time. Try to close your eyes to this. Admit out loud the fact of betrayal: “Yes, he cheated!” Say these words as many times as you can. If you repeat the phrase long enough, after a while you will laugh about it.

So far nothing bad has happened.

Health is good. There is food and a roof over your head. Yes, the situation is unpleasant, but this is not a reason to commit suicide! You need to pull yourself together and get rid of the negativity. Forget about it once and for all. And stop replaying in your head the messages that your beloved wrote to his mistress, speaking unflatteringly about you.

Clarify for yourself what is important to you.

Surely you are thinking about forgiving your husband for cheating and saving your family. And this is quite real. The main desire.

If you want there to be harmony between you and your husband, forbid yourself from mentioning your rival out loud, asking him questions about her, comparing her, and even more so tracking her down. It's unpleasant and pointless.

Perhaps you realized that you can neither forget nor forgive your husband, so you decide to divorce him. Just know that breaking up won't make you feel better. At least not right away. Divorce is not always the right choice. Most likely, the only one who will benefit from this is the spouse’s mistress.

You can insist on ending communication on the side.

A man can agree to this and will try to return peace and love to the family. If this is your case, do not remember the past, do not reproach it. After all, he stayed with you. Isn't this what you wanted?

The husband continues the affair on the side.

When a man refuses to end an affair, give him a condition. Firmly, but without threats, tell him of your intention to divorce. Your husband will definitely break up with someone else if your union is important to him and he understands that you are serious.

Disadvantages of civil marriage

The main disadvantage of a civil marriage is that the man does not feel responsible. And he reasons that “I’m not married, and therefore sex with a new girlfriend does not oblige me to anything. And if my regular girlfriend starts to be indignant, then I’m not her husband.” This reasoning of an unmarried man is fair, it’s a fact!

But for some reason the girls think that this is not true at all. That living with a man in a civil marriage, a girl considers him her husband. She shares her bed, her time, her life with him. She completely changes her daily routine, cooking and washing for him, and is already planning what color hair their children will have.

A man doesn’t think like that at all. He thinks as we described the situation above. And after this, so many broken hearts and destinies result. They lived and lived and ran away. How to forgive betrayal in this case?

A man in a civil marriage does not see anything reprehensible in sex on the side; he does not even consider it cheating. And in the future, he also will not and does not want to limit himself and take on obligations for the relationships that exist now. Therefore, the girl should accept the fact that he does not consider her the only one with whom he is ready to build a relationship, and therefore cheats on her.

How to increase self-esteem?

Let's use men as an example. How can a man improve his self-esteem? For example, if a man grows in his career and business, then his self-esteem also grows. He becomes more courageous, more self-confident. Why? Because he understands that the more successful he is, the more valuable he is, in principle, to many people. And his condition changes because of this.

Many girls also resort to this when pursuing a career or business. But it is important to understand, yes, self-esteem from a career or business can also grow higher, but this is not a woman’s self-esteem, this is a person’s self-esteem. And often a woman can be confident in work, in business, but often nonsense happens in life. And often there is such a dissonance that she is successful in her career and business, but not in relationships. It's different for women. A woman's self-esteem greatly depends on the quality of her relationships with men.

This is how the world works. This does not mean that you should bow down to someone or try. No. This means that you must first establish a relationship with yourself. These are the most important relationships you need to establish. And when you establish them, your relationships with men will also improve. Until you have established a relationship with yourself, you want to manipulate, you want to pretend to be someone you are not, and you attract the same men who pretend to be someone they are not. And you and each other have hard sex in the brain. If you are satisfied with this, then continue in the same spirit, if you are not satisfied with this, ask yourself more often the question: what is my plan, what do I really want and what am I doing or not doing for this. Am I moving exactly towards my goals and desires or am I marking time.

Do you want to know what a man needs to make you happy? Sign up for a free online course Man: honest instructions

Ultimately, it is up to you to decide whether to forgive your husband after cheating. When making a choice, be reasonable and do not give in to emotions. They may force you to act unwisely.

Wives are advised to remember:

Your spouse is not who you imagine him to be.
If you treat it like a piece of furniture, then somewhere else it may be appreciated. And he will return home in order to rest after love pleasures. It is possible that you are useful to him only as a housekeeper.
Just because he is your spouse does not mean that he is your property.
A person has the right to do whatever he wants, it’s his life. He can also make mistakes and then admit his mistakes. You yourself influence what a man will regret more: marrying you or having an affair with your rival.
Your husband has someone else, and you found out about it? Leave your emotions behind and think about what you want most:

- Without wasting time, separate forever, and then try to forget the traitor.

- Try to restore the old relationship.

- Save the family, but take revenge on your husband whenever possible.

- Fight for your spouse so that he doesn’t go to your mistress.

- Understand yourself in order to understand where you yourself made a mistake. Take control of the situation.

You can make any decision. There is no right or wrong here. But first, think carefully about what you want to achieve, so that over time you do not regret what you did.

And remember an important rule: the desire for revenge destroys us. Life itself punishes those who were guilty, it returns the pain to the one who caused it. This will happen when you no longer expect retribution. Just calm down and tune in to make the right choice for you.

Respect yourself. If you become aware of your spouse’s infidelity, do not seek meetings with his mistress, do not try to cast her in an unfavorable light, do not delve into her shortcomings. Restrain yourself from inappropriate behavior. This is necessary first of all for you. Show character so that you can be proud of yourself later.
If you decide to save your family, you must forgive your husband’s betrayal. Forget about what happened once and for all. Don’t remind your spouse about this, don’t reproach him, don’t be ironic. Otherwise, he will soon begin to regret that he chose you rather than his mistress.
Being generous is not easy. However, if you want to return to your previous relationship with your man, you will have to try. Reviving old feelings is always more difficult than destroying them.
Revenge won't solve anything. If you think that a new partner will comfort you and help you forget the pain, then you are mistaken. If we are thrown into the mud, we need to get out of there as quickly as possible and move on. But if you immediately cling to the first person you meet, this means that you are falling into the puddle again, only now of your own free will. And at the same time you try to justify yourself by saying that this is just retribution.
Take care of yourself. For many women, the tragedy associated with the betrayal of a spouse provokes various diseases of the female genital area. This is a natural reaction of the body caused by emotional experiences. Take care of yourself, take care of how you look and feel. Communicate more with other people, this will help you not to dwell on the negative.
It doesn’t matter whether the wife forgives her husband’s infidelity, whether you stay together or separate, try to maintain a good relationship. You may find the thought of this unpleasant at first. But in fact, remaining friends is the most reasonable and correct decision for both of you.

Is it worth taking revenge: expert opinion

Some girls, out of a desire to hurt the traitor just as much, choose the option of cheating on their husband in return. But this method has many disadvantages:

If it is not in a woman's nature to have one-night stands, after having an affair with another man, she will hurt herself even more and hate herself for this act.
There is a high probability that having cheated, the woman herself will refuse to return to her husband. She will reproach herself for going against her moral principles, but she is still forced to separate from her husband.

Not all unfaithful men agree that women have the right to do as they do. By cheating in response, the girl risks being accused by her husband of betraying him. A husband with a calm soul can break off relations with his partner, despite the fact that her action was caused by his infidelity.

For some women, revenge does not lie in retaliatory betrayal, but in the use of more sophisticated methods. For example, some inform all relatives, friends, colleagues, and neighbors about their husband’s betrayal in the hope of shaming the unfaithful spouse. Others choose the option of material damage: tearing or burning the husband’s clothes or other personal belongings, scratching the car, etc.

None of these methods of revenge will lead to restoration of relations between spouses. Using revenge, you can only get rid of negative emotions, but not bring your husband back.

Advice from a psychologist on how to forgive your husband’s betrayal

Is it possible to forgive your husband's betrayal? What will psychologists answer to this? This can happen to any woman: one day she becomes aware that her husband is having an affair. At this moment it is difficult to be reasonable, so she makes mistakes that she later regrets. However, you can easily and quickly get rid of the homewrecker. You just have to put the psychologist’s advice into practice.

1. Family life as a business plan.

When we have strong feelings for our partner, we tend to overlook a lot of things. Take a closer look at how your spouse behaves. There are signs by which you can recognize cheating. Feeling guilty, your husband begins to actively look after you: he brings you gifts, pays more attention to you, and becomes more active in sex. He shows extreme anxiety and fear when his phone rings. A man avoids eye contact with you, often withdraws into himself, and looks absent.

Sometimes you can find clear evidence - a trace of lipstick on his clothes. Don't despair. First, think about what your marriage was like. There will always be men for whom cheating is something normal, they are used to changing women like gloves, it seems to them that each next one will be better than the previous one. But there are not many of them. Basically, husbands find mistresses because they are missing something in their family life. Perhaps you spend too much time on housework and have stopped taking care of your appearance. Or maybe you’re too busy with work and you don’t have time for home or yourself.

One of the best ways to prevent cheating is a romantic dinner. This evening you are left alone and share with each other your thoughts about your family life. Tell your partner what you like and what you don’t like, and listen to him. Do this constructively, without arguments or insults. It is good to make entries in a special journal, where comments and wishes of the spouses are noted. This is reminiscent of business planning, when the strengths and weaknesses of the project are written down.

It is quite possible that a man will find this funny. Explain to him that family relationships, as well as professional activities, require attention. You need to work on harmony in marriage. Agree on all issues related to living together. Discuss your bed, financial issues, housekeeping, raising children. If you set rules that both understand, then many troubles can be avoided. For example, you decided that in the evening each of you will do your own thing for one hour. When this moment comes, do not approach your husband with your requests for help. You had a deal!

2. Take care of yourself.

How to forgive and forget your husband's betrayal? The appearance of a competitor has a bad effect on a woman’s self-esteem. Dissatisfaction with herself provokes her to do strange things, so the man becomes even more irritated with his wife. Shift your focus from your relationship to yourself. Decide to become better - more attractive, well-groomed, attentive to your husband. Work on yourself so that the man thinks about whether his new lover is really that good.

First, take care of your appearance. Seek help from a cosmetologist, hairdresser and stylist. Sign up for a massage, do yoga, learn to swim. Attend an interesting lecture, take personal growth training, or read a useful book. In general, choose what you like, the main thing is that you have a rest and can learn something new for yourself.

Many women complain: I can’t forgive my husband for cheating - what should I do? Look after more than just yourself. Pay attention to your home. Make it so comfortable that your husband will enjoy being in it. If the house is enveloped in pleasant aromas, and after work, delicious dishes prepared by the hands of a beautiful woman await him, then the man will be happy to return to his family.

Give your husband an unforgettable experience in bed. Perhaps, not long before you, someone else had already succeeded in this. So what? Now it is very important for you to restore a good relationship with a man. Only move on to active actions after you have worked on your self-confidence.

Discuss his mistress with your husband, but without hysterics and reproaches on your part. Admit it to him: “Yes, I wasn’t always right, so you switched to another one.” Invite him to analyze your relationship. Don't blame him. Let him feel that you care about him.

How do you know that you have become more confident in yourself? You no longer worry about how you will live without your husband. You got rid of the idea that no one needs you. You are sure that you can always find someone else, and it no longer matters to you whether your husband is with you. But you still want to be together.

3. Intrigue the man.

How to behave after forgiving your husband for cheating? Try to make your husband jealous. Just don't tell him directly that you were dating someone. Get him interested. For example, come back later than usual in the evening, bring home bouquets of flowers, answer calls from another room. Make your spouse feel like you are hiding something. The hunter's instinct will awaken in him and the desire to find out what is so interesting is happening in your life.

In the future, build a line of behavior depending on the situation. If you understand that your spouse does not want to restore the previous relationship and does not respond to your provocations, act differently - ask him for help. Contact him with everyday requests. For example, fixing a washing machine or checking what’s wrong with the stove. Show him that you can’t cope without him and his participation is important to you. At the same time, he must feel that you are not demanding anything from him, and he has the right to refuse you.

If he really doesn't agree to help, then leave him alone. Convince yourself that you are too good for him. Yes, you won’t be able to think differently if by this time you have become more confident in yourself.

4. Get your rival out of your head.

When you have figured out your behavior with your husband, you should think about your rival. There is only one important rule here: leave her alone. Here's what you should completely avoid:

Point out her shortcomings to her husband. Perhaps her legs are not ideal and she does not shine with intelligence, but if we say this out loud, it is likely that her husband will begin to stand up for her. Is this what you want?
Make contact with her at a meeting or by phone. Attempts to arouse pity in your rival with stories about children, insults and even assault will once again demonstrate how spineless you are. Pull yourself together and increase your self-esteem.
Be friends with her. This is pointless and even harmful. You will constantly worry and get angry. And you will begin to throw out your irritation on your husband, who will respond to you with aggression. The relationship could get even worse. Never communicate with your rival. Just forget about her.

Possible consequences.

Based on the story described above, one can guess without discussion that the consequences could be much more serious if the wife’s betrayal is repeated. Unfortunately, this happens (example: My wife cheated with her ex. What to do?), because a woman does not always understand the seriousness and destructiveness of her actions, moreover, if she got off easy. Based on this fact, it is not always possible to forgive betrayal even to your beloved wife . What to do in this situation? Tenaciously monitor the actions and behavior of the spouse (who herself is determined to preserve the family and to speed up the process of forgetting her offense), paying attention to little things, such as:

Housekeeping (cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking for you and the children);
Attitude towards children, interaction with children;
Attitude towards your person: mutual understanding, support, sensitivity;
Attitude towards meeting with friends, going somewhere... (the desire to move away from the family should be absent).

There is only one reason for the importance of the above little things - if a wife does not adhere to the basic norms of behavior in the family for every woman in the world, then the probability of a repetition of the incident is 100%. Since it is not possible to forgive his wife’s infidelity in this case, it is better to completely abandon this idea.

Of course, you should not turn your wife into a “gray mouse”, because she is also a person and also has the right to her word in the family, just as she should not have to pay for her entire life for what she has done. The situation that the woman allowed must be crossed out by the actions of her husband, either forgive her or let her go with God. Since to forget your wife’s infidelity , forget it, but she must be punished (see How to punish a cheating wife?), which is up to you to decide, but you shouldn’t stoop to the banal: “Wife! In the corner! You should understand the reasons for the action, a separate material will help you: Why do wives cheat on their husbands?