How to overcome the fear of loneliness: autophobia and its causes

The irrational fear of loneliness, which psychologists call autophobia, is characterized by many manifestations of panic attacks and anxiety. Fear arises when a person is left “alone” with his thoughts. In addition, a fear of being alone at home may develop.

Autophobia - fear of being alone in the house

Autophobia is a common disease. Most people don't even realize they have this problem. Therefore, it is important to understand how fear manifests itself and how to resist it.

Features of autophobia

Autophobia is a mental disorder in which the patient develops a fear of being alone with his thoughts. The phobia manifests itself in moments of loneliness, when, under certain circumstances, a person is left alone at home, at work, etc. Often the patient experiences a feeling of anxiety or panic even when the thought of being alone arises.

Despite the clear signs, it is very difficult for a person suffering from it to independently identify autophobia. Those susceptible to this fear try in any way to constantly “stay in touch” with relatives, friends and colleagues. By meeting in person or talking on the phone, a person avoids the appearance of thoughts that cause fear.

This phobia should not be underestimated. According to psychologists, panic attacks can become so severe that the patient may even have thoughts of suicide. Therefore, it is important to learn how to deal with a phobia alone or with the help of specialists.

Psychologist's advice: How not to be afraid of loneliness

Text: Olga Miloradova

Perhaps you are sitting now in your nice cozy apartment with your children, husband and dog and thinking: no, loneliness is not all about me. I'm definitely fine. But the fact of the matter is that this is about everyone. And sometimes especially about those who jumped into marriage, children and dogs straight from the warm hands of their parents. Or those who jump from relationship to relationship, afraid to stop and face fear and powerlessness.

Loneliness is a very difficult topic. Painful and familiar to many. Some more consciously, others not so much. But by and large, almost all of us are running away from it, at least temporarily. And some can run all their lives, driving away disturbing dreams, thoughts and revelations. The only way to come to terms with loneliness (it is almost impossible to completely defeat it) is to recognize, realize and feel. It is better to know the enemy by sight, and it should be noted that loneliness is not uniform. According to the theory that I adhere to, there are three types of it: interpersonal, intrapersonal and existential. With the interpersonal, everything is most clear, it is physical and tangible, there are few friends, no love, difficulties with social contacts... But it is also the simplest. And often, under the guise of escaping from interpersonal loneliness, we are running from some other loneliness.

Intrapersonal is the most difficult. This is loneliness from oneself and one's self. It happens when a person suppresses his own feelings and aspirations and replaces them with the desires of others or concepts of what should and should be done, suppresses his individuality. Perhaps your parents suppressed your desire to think and decide. Perhaps it was easier to go with the flow. And finally, the existential is the most important, because it is precisely what absolutely everyone suffers from, but it is precisely this that we do not want to see or acknowledge at all.

So why is all of the above important? Because in the case of intrapersonal and existential loneliness, we will most likely look for an opportunity to dissolve in the crowd, friends, activism, and most often, of course, in a partner and, naturally, voicing the fact that you are alone, only until you have merged together and lived happily ever after. And this is where the main dilemma arises, that there is no “happily ever after.” Because if relationships are your only salvation, then somewhere inside there will always be anxiety. Relationships sometimes fall apart. The relationship ends. We are all mortal, after all. And it’s scary that each of us is mortal individually. Only in fairy tales do they die together. No one can die for us. That is, physically, yes, let’s say, exposing ourselves to a bullet, but this will not save us from the prospect of inevitable death someday. No one can die with us. No one can share these experiences with us.

Often we adapt to our loved ones, to our social circle, ashamed of what we really like, ashamed of ourselves

And therefore, each of us faces a dilemma - the dilemma of fusion-isolation. And it is precisely the resolution of this dilemma that is the main existential task of development, the result of which, in particular, is the confrontation of loneliness, getting rid of fear and anxiety. A person must separate from another in order to experience isolation; he must be on his own in order to experience loneliness. At a minimum, he must first separate himself from his family, meet himself, understand what he personally likes, what his habits and requests are, how he likes to spend his time, what makes him laugh and what upsets him. We often adapt these, at first glance, little things to our loved ones, to our social circle, ashamed of what we really like, ashamed of ourselves, afraid of being ridiculous or tasteless or not deep and intellectual enough, or maybe, on the contrary, too smart, and “a woman is not allowed.”

It is the encounter with loneliness that ultimately creates for a person the opportunity to be truly included in another, to truly love, if you like. And although no relationship can eradicate loneliness, love can compensate for the pain of isolation, a love where your lover is not an object to which you cling out of fear, but where you are equal, able to see the real person, do not live in expectation " and what will he give me?”, don’t come up with illusions and artificial images of princes or princesses, know how to listen, and don’t tell the story yourself.

Don’t try to give up your separateness—it’s what makes us ourselves. This is the only way we can be happy alone with ourselves, the only way we can truly love and be loved. Do not pursue the dubious alternative of dissolving into another person or a divine entity.

Main causes of autophobia

The fear of being alone at home appears in early childhood. The most common reason is a traumatic situation experienced when parents locked the child alone in an apartment or room. In addition, being at home alone can be difficult due to simple educational threats from the mother or father. Even the phrase “I’ll lock you in your room now!” thrown at a child for disobedience! may cause fear.

Experts say that it is very difficult to identify the exact cause of autophobia in a patient. Childhood experiences are hidden in the subconscious, and sometimes it is impossible to identify them. Fear may arise in childhood or adolescence due to the following factors:

lack of attention to the child from his parents;
frequent threats by the mother or father to “leave” the child somewhere alone;
first failures in love;
constant employment of loved ones (they do not find time to communicate).

Fear of loneliness can also develop due to the personal qualities of the patient. People with low self-esteem or excessive gullibility are more likely to experience autophobia. The cause of a phobia may be fear for the health and life of loved ones.

Autophobia can develop due to loneliness in childhood

How to identify your fear of being alone at home

Signs of autophobia can be of different types. Often the symptoms of fear are so subtle that they are difficult to identify even for a psychotherapist. According to statistics, autophobia is diagnosed more often in women.

But experts associate such statistics with the fact that men tend to “hide” their experiences from others. There is only one conclusion: the stronger sex faces such a phobia no less often than women.

A phobia can manifest itself in the form of physical symptoms: trembling in the body, increased temperature or increased heart rate. The appearance of such signs is not excluded, but they occur less frequently than behavioral and psychological symptoms. Autophobia can be identified by signs such as:

Feeling anxious about little things. Fear may appear when the patient is forced to be alone at home, or due to the distance of close people, their inaccessibility (the phone is turned off).
Lack of self-confidence. The patient constantly seeks help from others. Their presence next to a person is enough.
Attempts to “hold” a loved one during moments of separation.
Illogicality in actions. The patient can buy uncomfortable housing closer to his own loved ones, marry an unloved person, etc.

Based on such factors, it is difficult to identify the presence of autophobia in a person. Advice from psychologists: you need to help yourself by drawing up your own “psychological portrait.” Most often, individuals suffering from autophobia easily succumb to the influence of others and strive to attract the attention of others by any means. They are irresponsible and dependent, jealous and have difficulties in their own realization.

The feeling of anxiety in a patient can be caused by a switched off phone of a loved one

How to deal with the fear of being alone at home

Therapy for autophobia can be based both on the use of antidepressants and psychostimulants, and on psychological influence. Vivid signs are removed with medication. Psychological influence helps to overcome fear itself. Experts advise patients:

Learn to correctly perceive your loneliness. You don't need to do anything. The main thing is to understand that being alone is natural and normal.
Get a pet that will make the patient needed by a cat, dog or other animal. You don't need to do anything special. Help your pet, and he will help you brighten up your loneliness.
Spend more time for yourself and your loved ones.

Help yourself. If it is difficult to cope with fear on your own, you can always turn to a psychologist. Autophobia, with the right therapeutic approach, can be cured in a few sessions.

Child's fear

Often similar problems occur in children. A number of factors can influence the formation of such fears. Sometimes the reason for this is that parents leave the baby unattended in a large apartment too early.

Causes

Let's look at why children may develop a fear of being alone indoors.

Consequences of parental intimidation. A mother may not notice how, forcing her child to eat or go to bed on time, she scares him with the fact that Baba Yaga, Babayka or a gray wolf may come. A child's psyche can literally relate to these creatures. Accordingly, when left alone at home, the little one is afraid to meet monsters.
The baby may be very worried about his parents who are not at home, because he does not know if everything is okay with him.
Watching serious programs, programs with violence, horror films can harm the psyche of a toddler, which will lead to the formation of fear.

If your baby begins to have similar problems, then it is very important to promptly identify the cause of what is happening. This can be done non-verbally, for example, by offering to draw or sculpt something that scares him. When the child is already more or less an adult, you can try to simply talk to him. And finally, you can contact a psychologist who will not only figure out the cause, but also help rid the little one of his fear.

How to help

You need to keep your child busy with something important

If a child is afraid to be left alone at home, what to do becomes the main question for his parents.

When you leave home, be sure to tell your baby why and where you are going. It is also important to indicate what time you will return and under no circumstances be late. If you see that you cannot return on time, be sure to call your child and warn him about the delay.
If you leave your toddler alone, then provide him with access to toys or interesting books.
There is no need to tell strangers about your child’s fears, especially in his presence.
When you return home, please your child with some kind of treat or small surprise, a reward for his patience.
Eliminate any possibility of viewing scenes of violence or serious programs.
Do not allow quarrels in front of the baby. They can also negatively affect the child's psyche.
When the little one opens up and explains the reason for his worries, do not make fun of him, but help him cope with his fear.
If you are unable to rid your toddler of fear on your own, then seek help from a psychologist.

Now you know the answer to the question of how to stop being afraid of being alone at home. There is nothing reprehensible in this fear, however, a person must adapt to any situation and be able to not depend on anyone. The main thing is to identify the cause and start fighting it.