This alarming year, full of trials, has aggravated a whole range of feelings in us: anger, duty, sadness, disgust, mutual assistance, gratitude, solidarity. Every day we see manifestations of an active position, which in the Belarusian context beckons civic courage. Courage is overcoming fear, of which there is plenty in our society, the struggle between them is now felt especially acutely. We are afraid of getting infected with Covid, losing our jobs, openly expressing our opinions, getting caught in a paddy wagon, being caught in a whirlwind of change, not waiting for change. We want to be “calm and stubborn,” but it’s so difficult.
How does fear of social consequences differ from natural fear in a dark forest, what to do with it, and whether high demand in the labor market adds courage to IT specialists - dev.by invited psychologist and gestalt therapist Yegor Sinishin to talk about fear.
“True fear concerns only life and health”
Egor, what is fear from a psychological point of view?
This is a danger signal. Fear warns me of an obstacle to my interests or goals.
Like any emotion, fear has an intensity scale. Above - horror, below - anxiety, fear, anxiety.
Actually, fear is often confused with anxiety. The fundamental difference is that the first one protects our survival and informs about the danger to life and health. The latter are associated with the loss of values of a different kind. For example, I may stain my pants, lose income, lose someone's respect: this will not affect my life, but I will feel regret. Fear in the form of fear helps us survive, and in the form of anxiety it helps us protect our values. "Trick or Treat?" - that classic choice. Definitely, life is more valuable than a wallet.
Is the fear of social consequences, so-called repression, of the same nature as the fear of a robber in the gateway?
In the depths - yes. Because in both cases there may be a threat to survival. Another thing is how much social threats actually impede survival - maybe they just create inconvenience? Will I starve as a result of being laid off, or will I just have to get off my ass and push myself? If hunger is not expected, then I will experience irritation and dissatisfaction, but not fear. This is a different motive and it works differently.
Often people substitute concepts, claiming that something is a threat to their security, for example, economic. But true security concerns only life and health, the rest is social things. These motives are also worthy of respect, but they are not fear.
What about situations of detention, imprisonment in a paddy wagon, criminal prosecution? Do they create fear or anxiety?
Any situation in which aggression and damage to health is possible (it doesn’t matter whether bandits in the alley with a knife will attack you or riot police will roughly grab you) provokes precisely fear with its function of protecting health and life. If there is a threat to health and life, fear arises.
The fear of criminal prosecution does not exist in a vacuum, but in the individual. What exactly a person is afraid of, you need to ask him. This is a subjective experience that does not exist separately from the individual; each person has his own. One is afraid that he won’t go on vacation because of persecution, and the other is afraid that he will be maimed.
What is hidden behind the fear “that something might not work out”?
This is exactly the case when generalization is harmful. They say that Belarusians are, in principle, fearful - but there is no such “principle”; in fact, each person plays out his own scenario.
It is incorrect to say that people have such and such a fear (of being fired, detained, going to prison). In each case it will be an individual set of subjectivities.
There is no such general fear as “I’m afraid of arrest.” One will be afraid of physical suffering, another will be ashamed that he will be labeled as a “caregiver,” and the third will be afraid that his parents will not be able to bear the experience. And a million more options. The problem is that often people do not know how to unravel the essence of fear and understand it incorrectly.
As for physical survival, there really is a certain set of basic needs that are universal - health, food, housing. Here the fears are very similar: we are afraid that something will harm the body, or that our health will deteriorate.
But there is no verdict in terms of character. Character is habits that have accumulated; they are formed, among other things, from trauma. All actions are programmed by experience, but if you realize and experience it, it will become a support, not an obstacle.
Fear of poverty
You seem to have settled well - the salary is above average, the credit burden is not a burden. It would seem that live for your own pleasure - eat sushi, go to the sea. But you can't afford it.
You buy only the clothes you need, you take vacation once a year, you darn your socks, and you bring your lunches with you in plastic containers. On the menu, you first look at the prices, and not at the ingredients; you try not to take drinks at all - it wasn’t enough to pay for some kind of tea.
Favorite phrases: “I just don’t need it”, “If I also had such a husband/brother/father”, “I’ll buy it another time”, “Everything has become so expensive.”
Problem
You are constantly in tension, because you need to keep track of every ruble. As soon as you loosen your grip, you will inevitably buy something expensive and unnecessary, and then beat yourself up for six months. There is a good chance that you will never be able to enjoy life and will die under stress. If you were poor, your life would be much easier.
Solution
You didn't necessarily grow up poor. The fear of becoming poor is inherited and is often found among people from wealthy families. The weapons in the fight against him will be a sober mind and logic.
Assess your budget. Allocate a certain amount for basic expenses, adding an “emergency reserve” item to housing and communal services, food and transport. Open a bank account and send this amount there once a month. Then your life will become much easier.
Don’t overdo it - there is no need to take half of your salary to the bank, five thousand rubles is enough. It is better to distribute the remaining money - for leisure, personal care, purchases for the home. Otherwise, you risk losing everything, because in fact you are a money alcoholic in the end.
“Every generation is born unbeaten”
What affects Belarusians today more - the memory of Soviet repressions or the experience of recent years?
Fresh experience always has a stronger effect, because it is your own and recent. But even its absence does not eliminate other factors. There is a theory of transgenerational messages: that mental stress is transmitted through 1-2 generations - sequentially, like in dominoes. Let’s say a person was repressed, as a result he is afraid of the state and people, perhaps ashamed of his status as an “enemy of the people” and somehow passes on these feelings to his children. The third and fourth generations no longer understand where the roots of the problem are, but the mental tension remains.
Is it like that experiment with monkeys who beat their relatives, although no one remembers why?
Yes. This is called “culture”: it is characteristic of all communities of people. Why is unclear, but for some reason people behave this way. This is how it is accepted with us, and this is not accepted.
Communicating with colleagues and participating in international conferences, I notice that the topic of fear is relevant throughout the post-Soviet space.
The Soviet Union as an empire of fear is our historical heritage.
A huge percentage of the population was repressed, so it is quite natural to fear the state. Just as it is natural for Belarusians to be afraid of wars, because there have been so many of them on our territory over the last thousand years.
Are young people less likely to fear?
Yes. Because they have less experience and accumulated exposure. The younger a person is, the less he is constrained by experience. Much knowledge - many sorrows.
That is, those who talk about the unbeaten generation as the engine of protest are right?
Every generation is born unbeaten. And everyone, gaining experience, inevitably becomes more careful. The degree of caution depends on the traumatic nature of the experience. If the experience was very traumatic, for example, military action, then people become super rigid, they flatly refuse any opportunities. “If only there was no war” - this phrase comes from exactly that. Those who grew up in peacetime, in abundance, in abundance, in security - those, of course, are braver.
Fear of wealth, money denial
You are not able to save, you immediately spend the premium on an expensive item or gadget, and spend all the extra money on momentary entertainment. If you have a lot of money, then you buy expensive toys - a robot vacuum cleaner, a fur boa, twenty shoes, a talking coffee maker. Whatever you don't have, there's even a lighted shower head.
You seem to be happy, but sometimes for some reason you are tormented by remorse. They say about you: “His pockets are full of holes.”
Favorite phrases: “Why deny yourself?”, “I can afford it,” “Let it be,” “We only live once.”
Problem
Since childhood, you have been told that all rich people are thieves, bloodsuckers and sinners. Now you have grown up, and money weighs on you. Having money causes a lot of problems: you have to think about how to use it rationally and how not to lose it. It’s easier to spend it and not have to worry about it. Yes, at this rate you will never get rich.
Solution
Many fears are related to money. The solution is similar for everyone - it is logical, rational thinking. Proceed in the same way as in the previous case - make a list of needs and see how much free money remains.
Go further - set yourself several long-term goals (renovating your apartment, buying a car, buying a house). To achieve them, open a bank account and put extra money there, leaving yourself as much as you need for a comfortable life without unnecessary things.
If you have a lot of money left, find a smart personal finance consultant and find out where it is profitable to invest your money. Train yourself to donate money to charity.
“Social threats are not those for which we are evolutionarily prepared”
What to do with fear? There's probably no need to fight?
If a person fights his fear, he is in trouble; he is fighting the wrong thing. Fear is our ally, it speaks its mind, we need to listen to it and look for the source of the threat.
Otherwise, it will turn out like in that joke where one psychiatrist complains to another: “I completely cured my patient of paranoia, but it’s a pity they shot him.” Sometimes an ally may be mistaken, then you need to convince him that it seemed to him. Yes, the glass floor looks scary, but that doesn't mean we'll fall.
Fear cannot be tolerated, it must be explored, its structure and meanings must be understood. There are three classic reactions to fear: freezing, flight and aggression, and aggression is understood as any activity, destructive or constructive, including dialogue as a type of contact.
Freezing is chosen in the case of maximum inequality of power between the frightening object and the reacting subject: when I am small, and the danger is so enormous that I cannot defeat it. Why is the USSR called the empire of fear? Because there hung over the people the maximum horror that only a living organism can experience: I am a mouse in front of this dinosaur, I cannot run away, it will get me anywhere. It’s better to freeze, merge with the wallpaper, then they might not notice me.
The escape strategy works when a person has no chance of defeating the danger, but is strong enough to escape. The third option is when the subject and the danger are assessed as approximately equal. You can’t run away from a dinosaur, it’s better to freeze; you have a chance to run away from a bear, but we can fight a wolf or a dog.
Are the behavioral strategies the same for situations of social threats?
Naturally, there are no other response options. The only alternative is if the situation does not affect me and is not a threat to me. And in Soviet times, people found ways to live without Soviet power. I don’t know whether it’s a myth or truth, but they say that there was never Soviet power in Polesie.
Evolution has developed three responses to fear, each effective, and in each situation one is preferable to the other. But social threats are not threats for which we are evolutionarily prepared.
If a person does not understand his fear, he will act automatically. This works in the forest; innate mechanisms help us adequately assess the threat from a dog or wolf, but there is no innate mechanism for assessing the social threat.
Therefore, we need to turn on our brains and think. We can invent completely new approaches.
So, is the fourth scenario still possible?
The more deeply we understand our motives, the freer we become from patterns. Any code can be rewritten. Of course, not at a very deep level - reflexes cannot be changed, but you can slow down your reactions, creating a buffer. I realized my fear, I see that I have time to think, and I decide what to do next and what the consequences will be. What if you go abroad? What if you go to a demonstration? Listen to yourself: what emotions arise, what opportunities and meanings, what is valuable and what is not, in which of the depicted realities you live better. The main thing is to slow down and become aware of your reactions in the current moment. Of course, if you can slow down. When a bear attacks in the forest, you don’t need to slow down - you need to run.
But we are not talking about the forest, but about society.
There are also situations in society when there is no time to think. In an acute situation, emotion sets in, and everyone chooses an action automatically.
The fourth strategy is, at a minimum, the ability to consciously choose between the first three, because choice is already a kind of freedom. Let's say I want to climb the tree and not tear my tights - how can I combine this goal and fear? It’s impossible on the machine, but what if you think about it? Humans are inventive creatures.
“To face something scary, you need a balance of excitement and fear.”
There is now a wave of posts, articles, videos, poems, and songs on social networks and the media dedicated to the lawlessness happening in the country. These smart, heartfelt speeches that people with or without a name address to power can be called the fourth invented strategy?
I don't know for sure, you need to ask these people about their motives. But overall it looks like it. Do not impose your decision on the other side, do not attack, but approach and, after assessing the situation (yeah, they are not killing right now), try to talk. Next is a field of uncertainty, a field of invention. There are no ready-made recipes in this space, but it can be approached with a recipe. He is like this: be aware of your motives and look for new moves instead of the usual ones. But in order to face the frightening and begin the search, you need a balance of excitement and fear, while there should be a little more excitement and curiosity.
Dialogue is a type of aggression. This means that these active people assess the threat as quite proportionate to their strengths?
Apparently, yes. Because what's the point of talking if there's no chance of being heard? Whether this assessment is adequate or not is another matter. But it is not a fact that in this case we are talking about fear and aggression at all. Because it is not only fear that moves us to dialogue. Curiosity and the desire to develop the situation (and not fear and the desire to destroy the interlocutor) are the conditions for dialogue (instead of a fight).
And when people and companies avoid answering pressing questions using the formula “we are apolitical,” is this a strategy of freezing or fleeing?
This is not important. If this is a reaction of fear, then it does not matter whether it is freezing or flight - the main thing is that the person sees the danger as much stronger than himself.
Why are some people afraid to declare their civic position, while others are not? Why do some people have less fear of bad social consequences than others?
Firstly, it is necessary to separate real and unreal dangers. Many people imagine unreal dangers. I will lose my job, respect in society, my family will judge me - there are many emotions that are motivated not by survival, but by other things. A person is not aware of this, and they seem to him like fear. Secondly, the same consequences respond differently to different people. For example, a fine of $1,000. One person is rich, a thousand is not a problem for him, the other is poor, and he needs to feed his family. The third is a yogi, he doesn’t care about money at all.
What motivates people to explicitly protest despite the risk of dismissal or other pressure? A desire for change, a voice of conscience, a desire to join a community of people whose thoughts you share?
I don't know, I can only imagine. But the list of human needs has long been known; Maslow’s pyramid or other well-known matrices describe them more or less equally. We satisfy these needs alternately, and with the development of our personality we master more and more new floors: we pass through the lower ones out of habit, and the upper ones as if they were new.
There is no conscience or desire for change in this pyramid. There are needs such as belonging to a community, recognition and others, and the highest is self-actualization - awareness of oneself.
One motive is not better than another; they are built hierarchically because they arise in this order: a child cannot begin with self-actualization. If a person gives up some needs for the sake of others, that is his choice. The best option is when all needs are satisfied.
Fear of injury or suffering
Luckily, adults taught us to look both ways before crossing the road so we wouldn't get hurt. But, unfortunately, quite often the fear of getting injured, getting hurt or experiencing pain makes us close down and emotionally play it safe.
Fear of unpleasant feelings or emotional turmoil can prevent you from forming deep and meaningful connections with others. It can also become an obstacle in your work, depriving you of sympathy and empathy towards your colleagues. But those who do not take emotional risks do not receive strong emotions as a reward.
“You cannot ignore any of the values completely and always”
When a person overcomes anxiety and fear by taking conscious risks, the lower levels do not work?
All floors work, but in the background. A child purposefully masters walking, but an adult does not stop walking, he continues to do it automatically. It's the same thing with survival. In youth, getting a job and starting to earn money is a life problem; by the age of 30-40, this task goes into the background, a person masters new levels. This is a natural course of development. If, without mastering the lower floors, without learning to ensure my safety, I try to climb to the upper ones - recognition, self-actualization - then I will constantly fall down. The result is a lot of anxiety.
When a threat arises in our lives to one of our levels of needs, we slide down and pay attention to it. Fear is precisely what is needed to shift attention to survival in connection with the situation.
Is the fear of expressing one’s position—whether it be to be outraged by arrests or to speak out at a workers’ meeting—constructive or not?
There are different options. Let’s say I’m not very aware of my opinion or am confident in it, but I can’t prove it, so I remain silent, afraid of making a mistake in an argument - this is a variant of shame. It’s another matter if what I say now turns out to be unprofitable or dangerous for me later.
Not expressing an opinion in which you are confident, which has been gained through suffering, how harmful is it?
Very bad. The value that it contains for me remains unprotected. Fear protects another value - survival. A conflict of values arises. Situationally, survival is always more important, but you cannot ignore any of the values completely and always.
There are situations when other values become more important than survival, but this is a matter of the spiritual path.
What to do?
First you need to explore fear in order to understand how to survive, and then - the value that fear has paused. What am I fighting for? And look for where to place this value.
Are people who are now, risking their jobs, writing piercing messages to the authorities, trying to get into election commissions, teaching repressed people for free, engaged in self-actualization?
It's possible. If these people engage in self-actualization, it commands respect. This is an extremely important thing; one can only envy a person who found something that is self-actualization for him and went after it. Although what it looks like is not the fact that it is. We often confuse our motives.
Where does self-defense go for those people who sacrifice security in the current moment in the name of higher-level needs?
I have two versions. Or this person has found values that are close to spiritual - so valuable that for the sake of them one can abandon lower values, including risking one’s life. This is very highly conscious behavior.
I admire such people, but I'm not sure I've ever met them.
Or as in that joke: I slipped and fell on the pillbox. That is, the risk was not a conscious step, it just happened that way. In this case, the survival mechanism will still turn on.
And if we talk not about the extreme option, but about the intermediate one - the mass of people who today sacrifice not their health and life, but their well-being?
I think these people see some value in their actions. The other extreme is that they may not be aware of the risks. That same unbeaten generation, “without a tower”, which incorrectly assesses the danger.
In this sense, is an older brave person much more courageous?
Certainly. Because he knows what he risks and what the consequences may be. But these are two poles, between them there is a range of options. There are also situations of acting out when I project universal evil onto someone with whom I am fighting. For example, I see a bully and I start dedicating my life to dealing with him. Then I see value that is not there.
Infantilism egocentrism
Infantilism and egocentrism - thinking that you will succeed immediately, quickly, earlier than others, cooler, and so on. That this is how it should be, that this is the norm for you, that you are such a special person. But in reality it doesn’t happen once in a while, and that’s normal. Your “budget” should include all of this. That anything could happen - any force majeure, that it will take not 2 years, but 5 years, that you will greatly disgrace yourself along the way and lose a lot. It is a normal, healthy adult position to consider all possible options.
If you are not ready for long-term action at one point, do not start. But again, take responsibility for how it all ends for you if you don’t do what you want.
An infantile and egocentric person does this - he decided to start, tried 1-2 options, it didn’t work out, he wasn’t appreciated for what was most special, he got offended, became disappointed, generalized “I’m disappointed in drama” or something else. But he is dissatisfied with his life and whines that his fears, the system, other people, the state, his childhood, someone or something else did not allow him to develop. And it's still good if he tries. Usually he doesn’t try because he’s afraid of mistakes, he’s afraid of not being “on top” in some situations, he’s afraid that he won’t prove himself to be great, that he’ll be rated too low - this is difficult to bear. At the same time, revel in your suffering - it provides many benefits. Again, you are very special, you have special grandiose sufferings and regrets, a broken dream, but what a dream!
Illustrations from Sakо Аskо
Fears and complexes of an impostor - this is exactly it. Seeing yourself “Ugh” in your head and being afraid that you will have to endure the reaction that you are not great. You just need to take a simpler approach to everything and understand that being “Not Wow” is part of any professional and other path in life. Any adult is able to accept criticism and even learn to use it to his advantage. I have a separate long article about the fears and self-sabotage of an excellent student and a perfectionist.
And while a person with a high level of infantilism and egocentrism sits and is afraid to start, another used 100 different methods and hit the same point for 10 years, fell many times, got up and, of course, was not disappointed in anything, achieved everything he dreamed of, and even more.
You must be strong and stable enough in any endeavor. Accustom yourself to this. That all these failures and mistakes are the norm and even good. Remove the childish approach.
Take everything easier. Take away the importance and grandiosity. Nobody needs you. The world doesn't revolve around you. Everyone thinks only to themselves. And you do everything only FOR YOURSELF and your development. Life is so short.
Most panic attacks, by the way, are also caused by a high level of egocentrism and infantilism, categoricalness, and the desire to control everything, so that everything is the way you need it, under your control. And also due to alcohol consumption.
“Hide in the computer is one of the options for a schizoid, especially for a talented one”
Let's talk about corporate fears. The fear of “being fired” is understandable in government agencies and areas where there is one job-for-life, there are very few options in general and sweet options in particular. But what is the mechanism for creating fear of being fired in IT, where 1000+ companies and, in general, the whole world is a jobboard?
In this case, the issue of awareness is very important. Most fears in our living space are illusory. We, as a species, dominate the planet; there is little threat to us at all, especially in Europe.
We don’t like a lot of things, but we have almost nothing to fear, we live cool.
However, an IT specialist who is afraid of being fired may actually have a fear reaction, as if he will die from this. This means that a person does not live his emotions realistically. Perhaps he was beaten as a child, or his relatives were repressed. Fear can have completely unexpected reasons, and an objectively good situation on the labor market does not reassure a person. In this case, self-inquiry can help, the fear will disappear - only regret or irritation will remain.
Do IT people have the same fear as others? Or maybe, due to social security, it is less?
IT people are very different people, you can’t generalize them. But there is an opinion that IT specialists are not very keen on contacting other people due to their mental organization. Among them there are much more schizoid people than among other groups - closed, fenced off from society. They found better adaptation in IT. In people with schizoid accentuation, fear is a powerful driver; the problem of survival for them seems to have not been solved.
Are we talking about fear of contact?
About any fears. A schizoid, in principle, in the everyday sense, is a timid person. And he tries to hide. Hiding in the computer is one of the options, especially for a talented person.
Many people, including experienced, accomplished developers, are afraid of interviews and because of this they stay in one place for a long time. Is there a cure?
Personal therapy - highly recommend. I am a schizoid myself and am still afraid of some circumstances, but before I was afraid of just everything. No, there were no panic attacks, but it was difficult for me to do anything new: start new business, new contacts, it was very tiring. If a person is afraid to change jobs, despite the fact that he is losing benefits, it makes sense to go to a psychotherapist and explore these fears in order to relax them.
Fear of talking about raising wages - from the same opera?
It’s an aggressive act to go up to your boss and say that I’m unhappy and would like more. "Give me my money." This is a conflict of interest, entering into it is like entering a zone of uncertainty, where you have to be either very creative or very strong.
“Let them play, and in the meantime we’ll take a haircut from them.”
When a company carefully creates or declares a family atmosphere - what is this, an additional tool of competition for employees or manipulation, so that it is scary and inconvenient to lose the trust of the “family” - ask for a promotion, quit?
It could be either one or the other. Including the sincere position of business owners who convey the corporate culture.
The problem with corporate cultures is that one is artificially broadcast, but another actually works. It's a double message and it drives people crazy.
True corporate culture is not declared in words; it is first implemented and only then described. If at planning meetings they say that initiative is encouraged, everyone is equal and influences the result, then it is not a fact that this is so. One of my clients was angry: yeah, everyone influences, but someone is more influential. Even in a company with a so-called flat structure, there may be a secret hierarchical structure that actually works. And the declared one is just for the sake of formality.
Why prescribe a cultural code at all?
To report this to employees. But rarely what is written coincides with what is real. If a company talks about corporate culture, one should be wary of this: in most cases, this is a massive manipulation of the minds of employees.
The atmosphere of a family is what we always lack. It's like the myth of paradise lost. The company can partially provide this “paradise”: home cooking, free visits - it feels like home. Schizoids are captivated by this, because they strive for family-type security, where there is an atmosphere of acceptance and calm. It’s like you’re on your mother’s lap, you can calmly play with your toy. This is a common idea among IT business leaders: we will give them everything, let them play, and while we take money from them. There is also a counter request from the IT people: I want to play, I don’t want to worry about the rest - let them provide for me. In this way, these needs are mutually satisfied.
But there is a problem: the family atmosphere supports the merger. Those who strive for family comfort at work do not have it in their personal relationships. If at home it’s calm and cozy, then why do I need a family in the office - I earn money there. In this sense, the company exploits the psychological instability of its employees, and for some time it works. But in a strategic sense, sooner or later such a situation will become uncomfortable for a person, and he will begin to get angry: it’s cramped, they’re suffocating, they’re putting pressure on you, everyone around you is an asshole, and it’s not clear why. They are so angry with a mother who, until she is 40 years old, fries cutlets for her son and washes his panties. A teenage rebellion is brewing.
Perhaps this is partly why IT specialists often change jobs: I’m tired of this mommy - I want to go to another one.
Fear of loneliness
You are a smart guy, the life of the party, a socialite, a one-man band with a bunch of friends. You go to the store with a friend, spend your evenings in company, your phone constantly beeps with messages. You help everyone, and your schedule of meetings with friends is so busy that you try to gather your acquaintances in groups.
There is no permanent partner yet, and you flirt a lot, creating a retinue of admirers, although you are no longer 19. You do everything to the music.
Favorite phrases: “Of course I can”, “I have a lot of plans”, “Do you want to come with me?”
Problem
Alone with yourself you suffer, silence is unbearable for you. You would rather go to the village to dig potatoes than lie at home with a book, and spend Friday evening with the first person you meet than go to bed early.
You are a poor learner, unfocused, inconsistent, and suffer from mood swings. You cannot build a personal life, you are prone to addictions.
Solution
Perhaps you are just a friendly person, but if it is difficult for you to be alone with yourself, then you are really afraid of loneliness. Try going shopping without companions, spend a couple of hours a day at home in silence reading, putting together a puzzle or model airplanes.
Make a list of your acquaintances and try to pay attention only to those who are truly dear to you. This way you will get rid of unnecessary fuss and achieve personal growth.
